Plain Speech

Okay, time to stop being cryptic. Close friends and family all know.

Last week, I found myself out in the job market again, almost 2 years to the day from the last time.

Except this go around, there is no severance to last me through months of searching for work. I've worked for this last company (ha - what if it were indeed to be my last company?) for less than 18 months, so.. no 17 years of vested experience to fall back on.

No grudges, no anger. No point to it. Wasted energy. Move forward.

So, I guess the blog title doesn't need to change, does it? :-/
Here we go again..

The issues are:

a great new house for us, still partly in boxes (although both cars fit in the garage as of tonight!)
lovely neighborhood and quality of life here
nearby grad school and a desire for a career change
college loans for kids (and 3 more years of new costs for J2)
mortgage and home improvement project payments due
loss of health insurance benefits (in ... 3 more days)
no income. Period. As of right now.
thin job market for my profession in this town (read: move again?)

Each time I've been out of a job, I've found another within a few months, usually less. And each time (3 of them) that we've been flat broke, we've recovered. But it's different at this time of life than it was at 19, and at 29.

Do we raid our retirement funds to stay afloat? Do we make the career change planned for 5 years from now... now? What value do we attach to the various options in front of us? What do you do when your values have changed but your skills haven't? How do we pick a direction? How do I work up the desire to interview again when the disillusionment with corporate america weighs so heavily on me?

What to do now?

What to do?

What?

Where?

When?

Skip the why. We only know that in hindsight anyway.

I feel tired and empty.

Where is comfort? Where is courage?

A long, long way from here..

What joy awaits?

Even Jesus in the garden asked God (three times!) if there was a way to avoid what was coming.. He didn't want to face it. Sure, His burden was so much larger than mine, but then again - He was so much more than me, too.

So, should I feel like a coward for not wanting for face what I must? He didn't want to sacrifice of Himself for someone else and pay the price He would pay to benefit them - neither do I. But He did - and so will I, somehow.

But when Paul says that "for the joy set before him [Jesus] endured the cross"...

... what is the joy set before me? Maybe if I knew what joy awaited me, after I do what I must, I could find some hope and courage to face this. I haven't seen it yet. All I see is sacrifice ahead - not joy.

God sent an angel to comfort and strengthen Jesus in the garden.. where's mine?

Trying to find one of these somewhere...

okay, so maybe there was a little PhotoShop enhancing going on here, but still...

I could use one of these. A big one, full circle, echo, backlit, the whole enchilada, baby.



You Who gave orders to the morning, Who showed the dawn its place, You Who are Father to the dew and the rain, Mother to the frost and the ice... do you have a sign for me?

Where must I go? What must I do now?

3000 years

and feelings like these are still fresh..


LORD, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

I am overwhelmed with troubles
and my life draws near to death.

I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.

I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.

Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.

You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.



----- Psalm 88:1-9a

Time off (final edit)

The last few days have been full of disappointment and loss for me, on many levels. I've been rejected, rebuffed, pushed to the side - again. I'm discouraged, angry and hurt; I'm tired of being a complication, a problem to be compartmentalized and treated as expendable.

Now, all that may be how I'm feeling right now, but ... what am I actually going to *do*?

Maybe I can't act on these feelings; maybe I actually have to act contrary to them. What I'm *not* going to do is go curl up in a ball and die, although it often feels like that would be the best thing for everyone concerned - for them to be free of this "complication" once and for all, this source of difficulty and turmoil.

But, no. That isn't noble, that isn't honorable. And it doesn't matter whether we're talking about organizations or individuals, either one, if they still want you around despite how complicated you make things for them (even just by being yourself; how do you stop being: you?), if they are willing to opt for what's inconvenient because it means they get to have you, then *they* are the ones who really want you. They are the ones who would truly grieve your not being around, because having things simpler can't compare to having... you.

So - for their sake, not for mine - I keep going. I don't end it, I don't run away. But I don't dig in and fight against the change, either - instead I yield, I back off, I step away, I take the rebuff, I accept my place. I do what I should do, I do what's best for them, regardless of how much I hurt. After all, how do you ever truly demonstrate real care for others... except at your own expense? So, even though it's not what I want, and it's not the easy thing for me - I will do my best to do what the people I love and those around me most need me to do.

But I have to say this: when I got back last night, after carrying all this for several days and dreading having to explain things, I was met at the door by (and there's no other way to say it) the grace of God, personified. D *was* grace in action. And it will cost her to love.

For you faithful readers... this blog writer will be taking a few days off to collect his thoughts, until the end of the month, perhaps. There are a lot of thoughts to collect, and right now they are running around loose and pretty darned directionless.

Life in the Lounge

... is back!



Finally today, we got it to the point of arranging, hanging, decorating, connecting (as in the stereo and speakers).




So, Frank Sinatra, Blossom Dearie, Michael Buble and Diana Krall again share a space with, orange candles, retro furniture, Marc Chagall and... me. ;)





Next week... the finishing touches. :) Life is good in the lounge.
Again.

Getting there!

The place seems more like ours every day.








The flooring guys are all done and the main level is all settled.









Next, the living room, and that will complete the upstairs.









Last on the agenda... lounge and office. But, hey - the rest looks so good, I can wait! :)

Living a metaphor

In church today, the preacher gave Ephesians 6:1-4 a real workout, as a runup to Father's day, I suppose.

But he has an interesting take on it. He says this:

Marriage exists primarily for one reason. To illustrate for the world just how Christ loves the Church. Forget the idea in Genesis that "it's not good for man to be alone", because we know that singleness is not condemned by God, rather encouraged in the New Testament as a means to greater devotion and service to the Kingdom of God. Marriage is not a mandate.

But IF you marry, acting out the parable of Christ and the Church IS a mandate. In other words, any girl who embraces Christianity should NOT marry unless she is explicitly desirous of modeling with her husband how the Church responds to the love and leadership of Christ. And no believing boy should marry a girl unless he specifically wants to model for the world the love of Christ toward her, sacrificing himself for her good.

Now I have to ask you, gentle reader: who, at the tender age of 18 or even 26, thinks like this? Is that why kids marry? To be a living parable, first and foremost to be a lifelong witness to Christ in their actions toward each other? If you know any young couple who married explicitly for that reason above all others... I'd love to meet them.

Then, he went on to make the second point, just as astounding:

Childrearing exists primarily for one reason. To make and grow new disciples of Christ, new worshippers of God. Forget the idea in Genesis that Adam and Eve were to "be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth", because we know that childlessness is not condemned by God, but rather encouraged in the New Testament as one way to have fewer earthly concerns and have more availability to serve God and His Kingdom. Making babies is not a mandate.

But, IF we make (or adopt) babies, raising them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, training them up to follow God, IS a mandate. So, no young couple (or single person) should even consider having children unless they are desiring first and foremost to raise new young disciples of Christ, new followers of Him.

And who, dear reader, thinks this way? What young couple thinks: "Gee honey, don't you think the Kingdom of God could use a few more members? How about if we go get busy and make a half-dozen or so ourselves? You know of course that we will be the way our little anklebiters learn about God well before they can know Him directly. But we are ready to represent God to them, right?"

I mean, who wants to make decisions like getting married and having children so that you can live out a metaphor, however noble?

But that's what the man said today, and I can see where he gets it. Just seems awfully radical to me. Not to mention a lot for people under 30 to grasp, much less live out. Heck, even when you're way older than that you still make decisions based on self-interest, and rarely on pure altruism. Who is he kidding?

At least the hymns today were routine, without challenge or depth.

Ha.

Take a look at the lyrics to these if you dare to try to comprehend and then live them:

O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus
How Deep the Father's Love for Us
Be Thou My Vision

Worship music was all over the map today, with Spanish songs from Mexico, to songs in Maninka from Africa, to traditional Welsh melodies, to 8th century Irish hymns. And yeah, one or two from LA and Nashville, too. :)

Whew.. I feel like I've had a workout without leaving my chair..

It's in!

My car, that is... in the garage where it belongs. Earlier than usual. :)

After a hard day's work of schlepping boxes, there is space for one vehicle. This is always a milestone in any move of mine. For some crazy reason, getting my computer and tunes working is the first milestone, and the second is getting my car in the garage.

The third, which takes waaaaay more time, is being able to navigate the house in the dark and not hurt myself or make any sound. Then I know I could kill the burglar. That's important stuff.

Goal Weight!!

Woohoo! :)

Well, okay, it's the revised goal weight - the one my doctor told me I should shoot for. But, still...

The scale made its way out of a box yesterday, and D checked it against what it said for her before she packed it - same thing. So, it's working. But then I stepped on and.. you must be kidding! So, I do it in real doctor's office style, fully clothed with shoes, and stuff in my pockets, and - wow. On the nose. :)

It's been, oh.. 24 years since I could say that I was at goal weight. Granted, goal weight then was 40 pounds lower.. but hey! I was scrawny, what can I say? And further proof was another hole on the belt - in the right direction. I'm only two pant sizes away from J2 now. He told me last weekend that I was making him nervous. Good. :)

RRRRRRR.... I feel great.

ISO Balance

In the midst of all the turmoil in the house, from boxes to furniture askew to unfinished contracting projects to no place to sit to more boxes, I realized this morning (after D said "you seem a little blue") that my moods have been more stable of late. Her comment got me thinking that, gee, with all the stress that comes with being unsettled, I'm doing remarkably well. :)

The doctor told me at my last appointment that if we could get both the thyroid and testosterone levels in the right range, my reactions to stress may be better, and the swings between the extremes of joy and despair may get milder, as might the body heat I give off. I think... she's right. I've been faithfully taking the proper dosages (not tinkering, as has been my wont), and darned if it isn't better! :)

Hm. If "you seem a little blue" and a stray tear or two is all there is... I can live with that.

Where is my...

you name it... black sharpie, blue/green tie, box of q-tips...

And the answer is - it's in a box. But there's boxes, boxes, everywhere. :( But WHICH box, exactly? The labels written on the box don't necessarily correspond to the contents OF the box.


At least there's a path to the coffee pot, the fridge, the closet, the bathroom. I mean, some things just have to be available.

But, the master bedroom is.. done! :) Aww... it looks so nice.. small, but nice.

Everything is smaller here. Except the third garage, thank God. But, that's the whole idea behind downsizing, right?

Right?

What a great weekend

in a new house in a new city. :)

J2 & his current gf (now to be known as J2+) came up Friday night, helped clean and organize Saturday morning, and assembled a new gas grill in the afternoon. In between I had lots of time to catch up with J2's life, and get to know J2+ better. She and I talked on the deck for an hour and a half over coffee while J2 slept in and contractors painted, talking about goals, relationships, personality types, love languages, handling physical desire, you name it.

She's very open and comfortable with herself, not self-conscious or ill at ease, yet also very pleasant and approachable, plus - lots of fun. :) Not to mention enough upper body strength to pop my back (which favor I returned.) Nice girl. And, being a Psych major... she knows when J2 is manipulating her, and actually gets him to talk about his feelings without getting angry. She'd be a good catch!

Then D, J1, and dog-face arrive late Saturday to a mostly clean place. :) We go see Pirates 3, have ice cream after, and then drink a toast of imported Italian Limoncello to a new house and to being closer to family. :) Nice day.

Church the next morning, cooking out on the new grill afterwards, a field trip to the art museum and sculpture garden, then back to the house to see J2 & J2+ off to Chicago again. The rest of us head out to dinner (sans devil-dog) and when we get back I introduce J1 to the famous upper midwest winter drink, the Snowshoe. :) I found a nearby grocery that stocks my favorite brand of low-sugar chocolate milk! And of course everybody around here sells Dr. McGillicudy's, unlike in New England where all you can find is DeKuypers or Phillips. Ahhh, simple pleasures - life is truly good.

Our realtor had given us a free hotel night and dinner out, so we decided to use it. D was still crashing from the long drive, and so J1 & uglydog spent the night on the air mattress while D and I went to the Hampton Inn for some decent sleep. In the morning, J1 and I head out to explore, have lunch downtown near my office and then head to the college district to shop (her to fill her obscure want list of psychobilly bands and me to choose new CDs by letter and album cover only) at Cheapo Discs. :) Fun!

As I write this, she and bozo the dog have headed home, D is napping and I will shortly call the insurance agent to switch addresses on our car insurance policy. And tomorrow... furniture!!! Oh boy!

Oh, yeah, and, um... boxes. Oh boy...

Al .. most .. done

The hardwoods are in, carpet removed and reinstalled in other bedrooms, ceiling fan up in bedroom, new access door to garage, repaired garage door opener, railing posts in, ceiling beams removed in kitchen... progress!

Now, for the painting, lighting, shelving, railing glass, stair treads...

Tomorrow had better see a lot of progress! I have family arriving on Saturday (I hope...)


**********


Not so fast...

I wrote the above before I actually got home. I was assuming this is what I'd find. Ha. So much for being the optimist.

I HATE WORKING WITH CONTRACTORS!

:(

I can't get no (lasting) satisfaction

Does it seem to any of you that what enjoyments we find on this earth are either fully satisfying but only fleeting, or... lasting, but fall short of fully satisying us? We want the truly satisfying moments to last, but they don't. And what we *are* able to keep for a long time doesn't really ... do it for us.

Are we destined in this life to have only pleasure that is either transitory, or... incomplete?

And if that's so, do we shrug our shoulders and settle for that as simply being the best that we can get?

Do we keep our expectations of this life low, and not think about something better?

If we must look forward to something, do we look toward the next life for completeness?

Solomon seems to see it that way, and maybe he's right.



This too is a grievous evil: as a man comes, so he departs, and what does he gain, since he toils for the wind? All his days he eats in darkness, with great frustration, affliction and anger. There is something else meaningless that occurs on earth: righteous men who get what the wicked deserve, and wicked men who get what the righteous deserve. This too, I say, is meaningless.

For who knows what is good for a man in life, during the few and meaningless days he passes through like a shadow? Who can tell him what will happen under the sun after he is gone?

So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. For a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then he must leave all he owns to someone who has not worked for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless. A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?

So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun. When I applied my mind to know wisdom and to observe man's labor on earth - his eyes not seeing sleep day or night - then I saw all that God has done. No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning. Even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it.

Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.

----- Excerpts from Ecclesiastes, chapters 2, 5, 6, 8, 9


All this I know. I get it. But that one little phrase seems to be the one that wants to pull down the whole house of cards: "to accept his lot and be happy in his work." How nice it would be to seldom reflect on the days of my life because I'm occupied and my heart is glad...

I think too much about, desire too much from, and am content with too little of - this life. But, I argue with myself, could a thinking man do any less? And yet, wasn't Solomon a thinking man, and - at the end of his analysis, this is where he wound up... hm.

Lay it down, boy... lay it down... accept your lot... you'll be happier. :)

Stop the Chaos!

It feels like I'm a homeless squatter trying to sleep at building that's being rehabbed. The place was empty, but nice, when I got there. Now... it's a mess.

That's what happens when you have flooring, painting, electrical, carpentry, all going on simultaneously, and I'm functioning as the general contractor, trying to get the workers to all communicate with one another.

But even within one firm (the flooring people), they don't communicate with each other. The installers (separate ones for hardwood and carpet) and the scheduler and the account exec are not working well together. :( Much less informing the homeowner of issues that are affecting the outcome! And you'd think that four weeks of discussion might lead to the work all getting done on time. Arghh!

So, a few things will be put off until after the furniture move-in, but hopefully they'll be just little annoyances, not major aggravation. Aaaaaah! I thought that I could enjoy the sale of our house in New England for at least a day...

I think it's a lack of good sleep as well. I have less tolerance than usual when fatigued. This air mattress is not cutting it.

But, just for laughs, check out the groooooovy floor that was underneath the carpet in the den/office. Far out, man!

SOLD!

Yay! :D

We countered with $5K up, they came back with $2K less, and that means... we're done!

Now, no duplicate mortgage payments, at least not for very long, if at all. I expect a fast closing, and then we can cut all ties to New England, hopefully for the last time.

And talk about good timing! The movers are packing today, loading tomorrow, and then D heads West in the other car. So while they are lifting our load, we can also leave with yet another load lifted, thank God!

Out of Egypt - to the Promised Land!

Hmm... need to run to the store and pick up some milk and honey...

An Offer!!

Woooo!

And from just the kind of buyer we want:

pre-qualified for a loan
no house to sell
simple inspection requirements
desire fast closing to occupy quickly

and, a young couple just starting out... their first house... awww...

It's just that - we lowered the price $10K on Friday, and they came in $8,000 below that. :(

But we don't want to lose this kind of buyer, either, so...

we counter with another $5K up and see where we settle out.

Cross your fingers, toes, eyes...

we might just be done!

I'm in!

the new house...

Yes, it's like camping. Me and an air mattress. And soon, me and an air mattress, and... carpenters, electricians, flooring people. Ick.

At least there is one room in the place that no one is touching, and I can shut the door and hide. And! the internet is working, my wireless network on the Mac is up, and music is playing... so it's not like I'm cut off from civilization, exactly. ;)

The commute is down to 30 minutes as of this morning, too, so that seems a little better.

I just have to keep reminding myself - this is temporary, this is temporary. In a few months, everything will seem normal.

Almost there...

It was a nice two days back East, and a great trip cross-country so far, too. But 1000 miles and two days of hard driving and I'm ready to be done, even with a spanking new vehicle that befits a man like me (you know... classy, stylish, giving off a hint of virility without overstating it or grasping at youth - that kind of car.)

;)

So, with air mattress, sheets, towels, some kitchen things, shower curtain, etc.. and my trusty Mac.. I'm soon going to set up camp in the new house.

Closing is tomorrow (with realtor as trusted power of attorney), and occupancy by end of business day on Wednesday. By the weekend, "camp" should be organized, and the remodeling contractors set to work, too.

I'll whip this new place into shape before D & J1 (maybe J2?) arrive for Memorial Day weekend! They'll see! :)

One last trip

back East.

The last trip to a house I own there, anyway..

Tomorrow I fly out and then drive back (in a new set of wheels!)

It will be a whirlwind of chores, car shopping, catching up, conversation, planning, decisions, unpacking and packing up again... probably no time to relax, really.

So, the time on the road will be welcome. Some good music, a nice car, the open road ahead, a destination to look forward to... :)

Sounds nice.



Mmm, and another simple pleasure - the last of the boxes were put to death today at the office. :) Good thing, since the new house will be filled with them soon. :(

Sold!

Well, not the house...

but the car! :)

Some guy named Sergiy from Chicago bought it - for my full asking price, no less - and promptly paid his $500 deposit. Apparently he is a broker who buys cars in the US and resells them in Europe. Huh. Well, as long as his cashier's check clears..

I wonder what country he'll market this one in? I think... Italy. :) Oh, but it will probably be Lithuania or Romania or someplace where they eat cabbage and rutabagas.

But, you know what this means!!!

ooooooooooooooh...



Yeah, baby! Watch me go now... finally a little horsepower. Not to mention class.

One Thing Needful

Sunday I was back at my old church, and by the second song I was in tears already. I do so miss it there...

They sang an old Lutheran hymn, with somewhat altered lyrics, which I have always loved. It speaks of a single-mindedness about faith which I sorely lack. Such good counsel, but so hard for a pleasure-seeker like me to follow. :(

Thank God that He is merciful and full of grace. I experience that on a daily basis. And I'm not the only one who does...



One thing needful! This one treasure Teach me, Savior, to esteem;
Other things may promise pleasure, But are never what they seem;
They prove to be burdens that vex us and try us,
And true lasting happiness never provide us;
This one precious treasure, that all else exceeds,
Gives joy above measure and fills all my needs.

Seekest thou the One thing needful; Leave all cares that hind’ring prove;
Be of earthly joys unheedful; Fix thy heart on things above;
For where God and man both in one are united,
With God’s perfect fullness the heart is delighted;
There, there is the worthiest lot and the best;
My one and my all and my joy and my rest.

I have naught, my God, to offer Save the blood of Thy dear Son;
Graciously accept the proffer; Make His righteousness my own.
His holy life gave He, was crucified for me;
His righteousness perfect, He now pleads before Thee;
His own robe of righteousness, my highest good,
Shall clothe me in glory through faith in His blood.

Henceforth Thou alone, my Savior, Shalt be all in all to me.
Search my heart and my behavior; Cast out all hypocrisy.
Restrain me from wand’ring in pathways unholy,
And throughout life’s pilgrimage keep my heart lowly;
I’ll value but lightly earth’s treasure and store:
Thou art the One needful, and mine evermore!

Back to it

Vacation's over. :(

But it was really nice. Time well spent, and good memories.

So, back to work tomorrow, and soon after that one last trip to New England to pack one car full of guns, ammo and alcohol, and drive it to the Twin Cities. (!!!) I'd better not get pulled over! ;)

Hmm... but which car? Will the Cruiser sell by Monday? Hope so. I'm not sure she has another long trip in her, poor baby.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ih=006&sspagename=STRK%3AMESE%3AIT&viewitem=&item=160108740116&rd=1,1

Doctor, doctor, can you tell?

What will make poor Billy well?

I remember hearing that singsong rhyme growing up, and even trying to pick it out on the piano when I was little, since it's so catchy.

But in this case, my doctor is doing really well... at getting me well. :)

This week I did the required blood work and then saw her for the exam and interpretation of the results, and... yay! Such good news.

Cholesterol & triglyceride levels ideal. Better than ideal! Super.

Thyroid just right. No changes needed.

Testosterone a little high, but not much. Back off one squirt on the pump. It may help with mood volatility, too, she thinks.

Oh, and she said I shouldn't worry about throwing off lots of heat - she said it's very male, why men sleep with less on, do those silly polar bear event things, and why you see young guys barechested at winter sports events (well, it could be the beer, too.) But anyway, the more characteristic maleness, the more heat given off.

Mmmhmm, I like that answer! ;) So, in my best Barry White voice: "Ohhh, yeahhhh, baby, tell me that some more..."

My weight is down again (at an ideal pace), muscle mass up nicely. Ha - she even suggested that I revise my ideal weight goal *upward* to account for the better muscle definition.. oooh, this doctor is good for my self-esteem!

Not to mention that I'm living 700 miles closer to her now, and she won't be so hard to get to. So, no big changes to the regimen and meds, and... see you in late December, doc. Thanks for the pep talk!

Rrrrr.... may I thump my chest now?

Sell, sell, sell!

Back East, there is frenzied interest in the house. Over 25 potential buyers ccame through the open house last Sunday! One couple came back twice. :) The realtor called yesterday to say there is a couple who desperately wants to come through tonight, and could they have a showing? Fortunately D doesn't get back from Italy until 11PM, so no problem with that. And, she has a day to sleep off the jet lag before the next open house this Sunday.

Go, go, go! No duplicate mortage payments, please..

Oh, and - I put my car up for sale on eBay Motors. Yes, the Cruiser! Can you believe it? It's time..

And so far, bidding is up to $4,003. Not far from my reserve price. Oooh, that would be nice. Then I could do a cash deal on a new Dodge Charger in black. Rrrr...

Sell, baby, sell!

Vacation!

I love it. :)

With no immediate family even in the Western Hemisphere right now, I can't think of a better time to be out and about. Especially before the work on the new house begins to explode, I have no time to think, and have to sleep on an air mattress...

So, from major urban centers to rural hamlets, I'm making the rounds. So far, it's been great - absolutely great!

I wish I understood better what I love so much about autonomy. And I wish I knew how to make money at it. :) Being good at relationships is what helps you get paid well, regardless of your technical training. Not to mention it pays well in the intangibles of life. :) The better your relationships, the better your quality of life - even if you are a person who thrives on being autonomous. Like me.

In your face

...boxes! So there. :)

In the office tonight unpacking and putting away. The trash people will have their hands full tomorrow.

I've got to do this now before the next load arrives!

It'll be here when I get back to the office the first week of May, so... gotta make space now.

That won't be the only thing waiting for me when I get back. The local realtor is arranging for the home improvement contractors to get in the new house and measure stuff this week and next, so.. no doubt I'll have estimates to think over and decisions to make so they can start work right after closing.

But I can think about that later. :) As of noon tomorrow I'm off on vacation! It'll be the last one in quite a while, I think. Hmm... maybe a long weekend in late October. That might be nice.

The whole family is overseas! J2 is on choir tour in Germany and Austria, the rest are all in Italy. :( Ah, well... I'll find something to do that's memorable, I'm sure. :) Mmmhmm, definitely.

Ciao, bebe!

Boxes again

Much of what I shipped last week was waiting for me when I came in this morning to my new location.

What in the world do I do with this now? I think some evenings this week will be spent in here, unpacking.

Well, it keeps me off the streets, right? :)

But today, something fun! I go to see the registrar at seminary to talk about next fall's classes. Yay!

Spring!

After all the slogging through rain of this past week, it felt sooooo good yesterday to feel the sun on my face. Much as I try to avoid that, normally. :) Just goes to show how desperate I was.

And, after all that rain, and now the 70 degrees and sun, up come the daffodils! My favorite spring flower by far... they always seem to wave hello to me. :)

Plus, I vacated my temporary office in NE, never to return I hope! I'm so eager to move to the Twin Cities. Let me at it! A new life is starting for me, and I want to settle in to it. And by the end of May, that's exactly what I should be doing, settling in.

Next week I'm there for 4 days and then on vacation for awhile, having a wonderful time just poking around and enjoying Spring, like a farmer enjoys going out to see how his fields got through the winter. :) I sure hope winter is really over, both literally and metaphorically. We'll see. I'm hopeful.

I even test-drove a new car yesterday. I have the itch. Yes, I would even trade in my pride and joy! The new Dodge Charger is awfully hot. :) Hot hot hot!

That's a wrap

The last of the boxes from the NE office goes today to the Twin Cities. No doubt an enormous pile will be showing up next week when I'm there. Where I'll put them, I have no idea. At last count I'm up to 32 bankers' boxes, and this is after an extensive cleanout! I filled two dumpsters with throwaways. Really!

Some will go to the new house, but will have to sit at the office for a while until after closing on May 15, when I'll start to haul a few to the new place each night. But a few things I'm taking with me on the airplane Sunday, like speakers and an external hard drive with my iTunes library on it! Not one more day without it...

So the next time I set foot in the NE home office, I will truly be a visitor. And... that's good. :)

You know youthful manhood has passed...

when you cut yourself shaving, and its... your earlobe.

I remember cutting myself weekly in my 20s, as I perfected the art of shaving and got to know intimately every contour of my face. So okay, I guess I have a few new contours to learn now, as hair grows where it never has before (and in my opinion has no business growing...)

Sorry, God, but this is one of the aspects of physiology that makes me question the intelligence of this particular design I live with daily. What possible purpose is there to ear/nose/back hair that should cause it to flourish starting in mid-life? And before you tell me that it's an effect of The Fall of Man from Grace, the Scripture clearly teaches that it's the *ground* that was cursed to bring forth thistles and weeds, NOT MY EARS!

Now I'm walking around with a bandaid on my ear and if anyone asks, I'll just have to tell them that the piercing got infected. It'll sound like a young man's problem. ;)

But! I have a new young assistant as of today. :) Work-wife, as I call her, agreed by email yesterday (complete with little smiley emoticons) to come work for me. Soon she'll sit across the cubicle wall from me and I'll be able to hear her talk to her work-husband across the aisle from me all day long! How fun!

I bought a fan to generate some white noise. I think I'm going to need it.

Seven Laws of the Harvest

Last Sunday, the pastor referred to this list of cause/effect principles that anyone in an agrarian society (such as first century Palestine) would understand without discussion. They might not be quite so intuitive today.

1) We reap only what has been sown. Nothing comes up by itself except - weeds.

2) We reap the same kind as we sow. You plant corn, you get corn, not beans.

3) We reap in a different season than we sow. Results of our decisions, good or bad, are seldom immediate.

4) We always reap more than we sow. A little, planted, usually yields a lot.

5) We reap in proportion to what we sow. The more the activity, the more the result.

6) We will harvest the full harvest of the good only if we perservere. (through drought, weeds, pests, etc...)

7) We can't do anything about last year's harvest, but we can do something about this year's harvest. (But even then, some things remain outside our control.)

So... what am I harvesting in my life right now? And what will I harvest later on?

"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."

----- Galatians 6:7-9

Packing and repacking

I am getting reaaaaallly tired of boxes.

Yesterday I needed to vacate my office in New England, to make room for a new hire. At least it wasn'tfor my replacement.. the two candidates they had for that internally were rejected, so they have to go outside and recruit now. Good luck with that!

So they move my workstation, phone, etc., to a new space in another building. But it's only for a few days. Friday is my last day in this location. And it was such a pretty office, too. :(

But I have a few days in peace now to go through my 30-some bankers' boxes that I packed on Saturday, sort, toss, tape shut, and ship them to the Twin Cities and my new office there. Not that there's room - there's not. Some will go to the basement of the new house once we take occupancy. My new space is smaller and not enclosed. But the people are nice, and the downtown is too. :)












Ha - there are boxes that were under my desk full of stuff from... 3 moves ago? Ridiculous. I didn't take the time to look through them then, and may not now, either. Leave it to my heirs! They will just shake their heads and say "just who was this man, again?" ;)

Wonder and reality

"...there are all sorts of things our hearts believe that don't make any sense to our heads. Love, for instance; we believe in love. Beauty. Jesus as God.

"It comforts me to think that if we are created beings, the thing that created us would have to be greater than us, so much greater, in fact, that we would not be able to understand it. It would have to be greater than the facts of our reality, and so it would seem to us, looking out from within our reality, that it would contradict reason. But reason itself would suggest it would have to be greater than reality, or it would not be reasonable.

"When we worship God we worship a Being our life experience does not give us the tools with which to understand. We may be able to wrap our heads around living forever (and we can do this only because none of us [still able to discuss it] has experienced death), but can we understand what it means to have never been born? I only say this to illustrate that we, as Christians, believe things we cannot explain. And so does everybody else.

"I have a friend who is a seminary student who criticizes certain Christian writers for embracing what he calls 'mysticism.' I asked him if his statement meant that he was not a mystic. Of course not, he told me. I asked him if he believed in the Trinity. He said he did. I asked him if he believed that the Trinity represented three separate persons who are also one. He said he did. I asked him if that would be considered a mystical idea. He just stood there thinking.

"You cannot be a Christian without being a mystic.

"One night I watched the sunset till the stars faded in and, while looking up, my mind, or my heart, I do not know which, realized how endless it all was. I laid myself down on some grass and reached my hand directly out toward where? I don't know. There is no up or down. There has never been an up and down. Things like up and down were invented so as not to scare children, so as to reduce mystery to math. The truth is we do not know there is an end to material existence. It may go on forever, which is something the mind cannot understand.

"I think we have two choices in the face of such big beauty: terror or awe. And this is precisely why we attempt to chart God, because we want to be able to predict Him, to dissect him, to carry Him around in our dog and pony show. We are too proud to feel awe and too fearful to feel terror. We reduce Him to math so we don't have to fear Him, and yet the Bible tells us fear is the appropriate response, that it is the beginning of wisdom. Does this mean God is trying to hurt us? No. But I stood on the edge of the Grand Canyon once, behind a railing, and though I was never going to fall off the edge, I feared the thought of it. It is that big of a place, that wonderful of a landscape."

----- Don Miller in "Blue Like Jazz"

Is the devil in the details, or...

is God in the math? The math of the universe, that is.

Today marks the 300th anniversary of Leonhard Euler's birth. Who was he? Only one of the top four mathematicians of all time.

NPR had a story on him yesterday:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=9585232

He was the one who originally derived what I've always thought of as "the signature of God on the universe."

Here's how WIkipedia describes his "identity formula":

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euler's_identity

When I was going through the deep math needed to get my professional certification, I actually derived his same identity myself, without realizing that it had been done, oh, about 250 years before me! :) It was actually the first time I ever derived anything mathematical from scratch before, and it was instinctive. I thought about it like this: God wrote his initials on the universe somewhere, and two of the fundamental constants in the universe, pi and e, must be involved somewhere.

So I started playing with them and then stumbled on the idea of involving something paradoxical and mysterious, like God is, and what better concept than the idea of imaginary numbers? Imaginary numbers are something you can't grasp in reality. The idea of taking the square root of a negative number is... impossible. Inconcievable! It's a paradox. Unreal. It has to be imaginary. And yet... it's what ties everything together and makes a lot of the higher math that describes the universe possible.

Just like God to infuse reality with mystery, and to keep defining Himself just out of our reach.

I love Euler's identity. Not because I came up with it independently, but because..

It's God's signature on the original art that is the universe.

A 10!

The house inspector came through Tuesday - he said the new house is "a 10"! :) So, nothing of import to fix before occupancy. Yay!

The only things to really do now are to:

extend the hardwoods up and down the two half-flights of stairs and up into the living room,

take up the carpet in the family room (which will become "the lounge"!),

use the carpet from living and family rooms to replace older carpets in a couple of other bedrooms,

paint a couple of rooms (the lounge being one, of course), and some ceiling beams in the kitchen,

and replace old wrought iron railing and lighting fixtures in the dining/living room areas with something much more modern. :)

And all this... I get to do in the 10 days between closing and when the moving van arrives. Oh boy!

And in the meantime, on the work front, my first hire? isn't yet. :( She's being coy. The hiring process always reminds me so much of dating. And grrr... coyness drives me nuts! Always has. Directness is so much better. :)

I've never liked waiting and wondering.. I mean, if you already know what you're thinking.. what's wrong with being straightforward??

Two houses - again

They accepted the offer. As is.

A fair price, fast closing, room in the cost to make a few (hopefully stunning) decorating improvements.

In by the end of May!

No movement on the house in NE, though. The clock is ticking...

Pretty good week

all the way around.

From a nice reception at the office, to contributing right away, to making a good hire, to getting all the equipment and connections to be productive, to thoroughly searching the housing market, to finishing the week with an offer on a home...

a pretty good week.

:)

Okay, this is creepy.

I learned a new expression this week: "work wife."

It's my first day here, and I'm having lunch with D, my peer and assigned tour guide for the day, who henceforth will be known as "work-husband." After the entree, as we linger over our sodas, he pops out with this expression, and says "have you ever heard of it?"

-- news to me, says I. What's it mean?

It's like your wife, he says, but just at the office. You share gossip about office politics that your real wife doesn't get, know all the inside jokes that would take hours to explain at home, get aspirin from her when you run out, have lunch together when your wife is a 40 minute commute away, and tell each other when you look tired or your hair is messed up or your tie is crooked or your strap is showing.

-- oh, says I. Really.

Yeah, and you met mine this morning, he says.

It turns out to be R, the "pretty capable girl" from the prior post who I just hired, and who henceforth will be known as work-wife. Not mine - his.

Since then I have observed them several times a day talking in each other's cubicles in hushed tones, and work-wife coming over to find out if work-husband is feeling better now after the aspirin he took from her, and going down to the caf for lunch together. At least they don't car pool!

Now, I thought to myself, am I just out of touch here? How long has this been a common expression? So, as I've been instructed to do by more than one 20something I know, I just "Googled it." (hmm.. should that be capitalized??) Very interesting results - to wit:

http://slate.msn.com/id/2109876/

http://men.style.com/gq/features/full?id=content_403

Hm.

I have to say that this seems creepy to me. But that may well be because I have a harder time than most people seeing relations between men and women as being strictly platonic. There is always a sexual tension between men and women, which makes those relationships interesting and fun.

Now I suppose there are certain personalities that can handle the sexual tension, and keep it in check, better than others can. Me, though... um... that would be no. Sexuality is waaaaay too much in the forefront of my makeup (yesss, even at my age. Give it a rest already.) to do platonic male/female relationships with any degree of closeness except under very clear circumstances. Like - with your relatives! :)

So, it makes me nervous to have this going on across the aisle between a peer and one of my staff. Especially when I know that if she and I have any disagreements as worker and boss, that she will go straight to him with it.

Hm.

Maybe I'm making way too much of it, but.. I still think it's creepy.

Two days into it

and so far, so good. Actually, better than good. :)

I was apprehensive, of course. How will I be welcomed, perceived, treated? The answers are: with open arms, as some much needed talent, like it's their privilege to have me here! So... it's been very nice, and definitely better than I expected. :)

Granted, the creature comforts are less than before, but the people sure are nice, and I've already landed my first hire, a pretty capable girl just a few years out of college, with some talent and a boatload of enthusiasm. That, plus getting all my computer connections to work, and a few positive remarks on my fashion sense, and.. things are shaping up pretty well for the first two days. ;)

Now if the housing market would just cooperate..

Off to my new life

... by way of my kid's concert. :)

Which I suppose could be said *is* part of my new life - being able to be a bit more involved with, and not so darned far away from, those I love. Presuming that those I love *want* me more involved, that is. I'm not sure of that with everyone. But at least the opportunity is there if they want it.

I do wish school was starting, and that I didn't have to wait until Fall. I think if I had more to do... especially something like classes, which I've enjoyed so far and which have been a mental challenge... I would focus less on what I don't get enough of, you know? I'd be thinking more about what's positive about my life and less about what isn't just the way I'd like it to be.

So next week, I have a whole new batch of people to meet and get to know. Oh boy. Some of you readers would say, "oh, boy!" without the dripping sarcasm, but the introvert here says... ick. Still, I'll throw the performance switch to "on" and be an extrovert for a while, dropping exhausted at the end of the day from the drain of acting.

Going from a walled office to a cubicle will not be fun... I don't have to listen to people yak where I am now. But I will, though, from now on. :( I can't put music on to drown them out. Not too many mangers feel comfortable wearing headphones at their desks, either. Doesn't seem ... managerial.

If I can't have a walled office... I WANT A CLASSROOM! Can I do three years of cubicle duty to get it? I hope so.

What a trip...

San Fransisco was all I remembered it to be. :)

The city was its eclectic self.



From the hearts on the corners of Union Square,











to the derelicts in the doorways,











to the packed trolley cars,











to the modern art galleries,











to the nearby wine country,











to the alternative art displays,











and everything else the place is known for. ;)







Wish I could have walked those streets with someone special. :) Maybe another time, another year..

Travel time again

Heading out for 3 days in San Fransisco this morning, all work releated, and looong days at that. My first red-eye flight ever on the way back, too. Oh boy! :( I'm sure I'll be cranky after that one...

I haven't been to SF for the longest time, and do miss it. I used to get there probably every other month or so, and often managed to drive up into Napa and poke around. Right now everything should be green in the countryside, with winter the rainy season there. In the summer, it's all a golden brown and pretty in a different way.

Then back on Thursday only to turn around Saturday and head to the Twin Cities (by way of Chicago to see J2's choir concert) to start the new job, and look for housing.

I'm getting nervous - first day jitters!

It's Done!

The job is decided. And the terms are set. I think this will work. :)

I'll start in the Twin Cities April 2, living in and out of hotels for a while, but with an eye toward having a (probably) rented place by 5/1 or 6/1. Not sure buying is the best idea right now, but... I can be persuaded. We'll see what the market looks like.

So yay! It's good to be moving forward (or back, depending on how you see it.) I'm looking forward to picking up with grad school again in Fall, and to returning to the promised land after being exiled in Egypt (as I call it out here) for the second time in 6 years.

The only thing I wish I could do is bring the New England house back with me. It's great, and I hate to leave it behind. Other people seem to think it's great, too. After only being listed for 3 days, we've had 3 showings, and people are very complimentary. I think the retro lounge is going to add to the market value!

It should, darn it. It's cool. :)

Made it!

Flew back last night through ice pellets bouncing off the airplane wings. Only a half hour late, and one of the smoothest landings ever. Whew!

Every half-hour the pilot would come on the intercom and give us an update on the condition of the runway where were would be landing, specifically to assure us that the "braking action appears to be good".

Yikes! Would he have said something if it weren't? Like... "the braking action is highly questionable, the last two planes that tried to land are now in a pile at the end of the runway by the cow pasture... but buckle up, everybody, we're going in!"

Good thing I parked in the covered ramp at the airport - no cleaning off the car. But the drive was so icy that I couldn't make it into the garage last night so sometime I have to think about going outside. Just not today. :)

I have homework to do!!! It's my last day to turn in assignments and try to preserve my A in NT102 "Emergence of the Church".

Really good trip yesterday. The job options are clearer, they seem like things that I could do okay for a few years, the people there seem interested in having me, etc. By mid-next week, all the details should be worked out, including transition terms and a start date.

I may even be able to sign up for a class during the summer term! Wow, who would have thought I'd ever be excited about going to school in summer? :)

Wonder if the seminary has air conditioned classrooms? ;)

Weather is NOT my friend

Now it looks like it will snow here tomorrow, when I am supposed to be in the Twin Cities wrapping up a job selection process. So far, it's just rainy and getting colder, but... you know what that means!

I'll be driving to and from my on-site class tonight (for the final exam), and I suppose the return trip will tell me how things are shaping up.

If I can get out of here in the morning, great! It's not supposed to snow *there*, and so maybe I can finally get to a decision on this job thing and start planning for a transition.

But here... we'll get 3-6 inches by Friday evening. I hope I can get back, or I will NOT be able to finish my online class assignments. :( Saturday is the last day I can turn them in.

Arghh! I want that "A"! If not, I'll have yet another weather-related disruption. I have all the disruptions I can handle right now, thanks. Snow, hold off!

The for sale sign

goes up in the yard tomorrow.

Here we go...

But - to which job of the 3?

At least I know which school and what program.

Maybe next week I'll know the other answer.

Oh, and the *other* other answer, too. :)

That's cryptic, huh? Well... it fits.

SemPM and Corporate Security

Um... what?!? What kind of a title is that?

Convoluted.

I know. That's me, baby. :)

Two conversations of note this morning at the office.

First, on my way in.

I'm entering the complex, and... a security gate has malfunctioned between two buildings and there is suddenly no way to get there from here. There's a half-dozen people fiddling with it, some working, some kibitzing, and a crowd has gathered to watch. Ooh, ooh, I wanna see, too! :)

But then I do something naughty. I whip out my cell phone and take a picture of the festivities, to wit:

At which point, a blue-suited guy with an ex-military air comes over and says "just who do you work for? Are you an employee?" Woah! He goes on to tell me that it's company policy that no one can take photos in the building unless you're with corporate communications. Well, excuuuuuuse me. :)

So I fold it up and put it away, and start tapping on my Blackberry, just doing some email while I wait. Then he starts shooing the crowd away telling us to go outside and use another entrance. People begin to drift off, and I'm finishing up an email. He comes over and says again: "who is your supervisor? I'm just trying to help you here."

At that point I got mad and said "Oh, give me a break, you're not trying to help me, you just suspect me of being a troublemaker. This is a corporate-issued Blackberry, on which I'm doing company work, which you are impeding. Who is *your* supervisor?" He left me alone. And then I took his picture, too. :) Pfbbbbt!

Second conversation was back at my desk. Got a call from the assoc. registrar at school (the main campus in the Twin Cities.) I had inquired about transferring to the regular seminary from this East Coast extension campus, and wanted some info about their evening program, which they call SemPM.

It's cohort-based, offers my preferred major, runs 3 years, all classes on Monday nights, cranking through 4 credits every 5 weeks. Wow. Lots of work... detailed information is en route.

But! There's another option of which I was unaware. They have made a "catalog committment" to having all the courses which are available to their regular daytime seminary students also available to them on Tuesday and Thursday nights over a period of several years.

So, I don't *have* to do the canned 3 year intensive approach, but could lighten it up if need be and go a little slower if I had to. That's nice to know. :) This quarter doing 8 credits in 10 weeks with full-time employment on top has been ... well, it's been a lot.

Hm. This school thing is looking better all the time. :)

Melancholy Music

Why is it that when you feel melancholy you tend to gravitate to melancholy music? You know, the "play it again, Sam" idea, or the lyrics in Sinatra's "One More For The Road".. the guy drinking alone in a bar, with a sad song on the jukebox that speaks of lost love or grief. Doesn't that just make it worse? Wouldn't happy, goofy music be better?

But you know... I did it to myself last week. I've been trying to fight off melancholia (and stomach acid - you know, the tension kind that feels ulcerous) this whole last week. Thursday I burned a CD full of sad songs that I labeled as "Soundtrack for a Fool" and listened to it over and over. Dumb idea. Once I dug out some livelier latin, dance and house music, it helped. :)

So the last day or two I thought I was doing pretty well, until lunch today when I'm sitting in the local Subway having hot pastrami on a low-carb wrap, and the sound system overhead plays 3 sad emo "you're a loser" kind of songs in a row, and all of a sudden the stomach acid rises, the tears come, and I'm a mess again. Ruined a good pastrami sandwich, besides...

What's the matter with these music programmers? Don't they realize I'm fragile right now?? (sniff!)

:)

I'll be okay - and soon, I hope. I just need to move forward, you know? ..not dwell on what's past. The right music helps.

Rent vs Buy

I'm getting the feeling that owning a home is not going to be part of the next move. Once grad school is done in ... 3 years? ... who knows where my classroom might be?

Trying to sell this house only a year after buying it will be disastrous economically, especially without the company picking up all the costs of the sale they way they usually do. Yuk. So why get in that same situation again?

It would make more sense to rent a townhouse or something, and get used now to yet another reduction in lifestyle and space, so as to eventually get down to spending what a schoolteacher can afford. Getting expenses well below income is going to be pretty critical to build some savings back up and make the next few years work.

This is kind of like starting over... except I'm not 24!

I just feel like it on certain days. :)

What is truth?

That famous comment by Pontius Pilate from John 18:38 was ringing in my head last night and this morning. Was Pilate just jaded and cynical? Did he think that truth was at best situational? Or did he really know what the truth was, and... was afraid of it?

I think the latter. In the verse before, he stands there in dialogue with Truth, personified. Then he makes his cryptic statement. And then, turns right around in the next verse and says to the crowd "I find no fault in Him".

I think he knew Truth when he saw it, when he heard it. But it cut him to the heart because he didn't like its implications, didn't want to have to change what he was inside. He tried to let the crowds act honorably, in his place, but when they didn't, he acquiesced to what was the most expedient thing for the moment.

I think he knew himself - that doing the expedient thing was already his default setting. I think he knew that, in the end, he would let the opinions of others guide his choices.

I think he knew that he would not change who he was inside, not for anyone, and so - tried to make it easier on himself. Truth was staring him in the face, showing him who he was, and he didn't like what he saw. So he dodged it.

And who among us doesn't do the exact same thing?

This, really, is why the Truth was sacrificed later that same day... to pay for those of us who avoid Truth, who do the expedient thing instead (which, in the end, is really not that expedient after all.)

And for those of us who do these things... Truth doesn't just condemn; He forgives!

So do I.

How could I not? For someone like me who daily has so much that needs forgiveness, and's who's already *been* forgiven of so much, so repeatedly, how could I not follow His example and forgive, even if it happens to me again and again?

I must.

God has no illusions about who we are. He forgives, accepts, loves anyway. How can I do less? I need to travel with no illusions about people, about who they are. No rose-colored glasses. Rather... forgive, accept, love.

I must.

And I want to.

One down

Heard from the recruiter last night.

Now I know which Twin Cities. :)

And it won't be an easy transition, financially or otherwise. Hopefully, though, it will be a fulfilling and internally rewarding one. The picture is clarifying, anyway. I keep the strong focus on grad school and direction toward a new career, and have a weak focus on the day-to-day job and old career.

Can I be in a classroom by Fall of 2009? 2010?

It's never happy news to get turned down. No one wants to be rejected. Even if all it really is, is a clarifying by God of His direction for your life, you still take it personally and look for the flaws in yourself that made you unwanted.

You'd think, being male, that a lifetime of asking women for ... whatever it is men ask them for ... and getting routinely rejected in one way or another, kindly, neutrally or harshly, that it would be easier to handle. It isn't - at least not for me.

These are the few days in my life when I envy thick-skinned people.

It's Finals Week

and in my on-line class I am sooooo far behind! Vacations and business trips tend to influence me in non-productive ways. :)

Ugh. I'm not sure I'll catch up. But at least I have an A going in that one (until now!) The on-site class at least I'm current in, even though I'm only on track for a C. I was hoping for a B average, but I'm not sure now that's going to happen.

Well, class tonight (I'll miss the MU-Pitt game! Waah!), and then one more day of vacation. Maybe I can catch up on that somewhat tomorrow. I should be able to work hard on Saturday too. Sunday I'll be catching up on all that happened on the latest missions trip.

Then another week of work, and perhaps more travel. Travel? During finals? Unheard of!

Which is better?

The apostle Paul told the Corinthians in no uncertain terms not to focus on their rights and to stop taking their fellow church members to court. "Wouldn't it be better to be defrauded?", Paul said, rather than focus on protecting yourself?

There are people like the Corinthians in every generation who are so concerned about self-protection that they will do whatever is necessary to avoid giving up their rights to autonomy and privacy for somebody else's sake, even to the point of hurting them if need be. They'll avoid at all costs being taken advantage of, or being put out, or risking hurt, even if it's for the welfare of another.

I understand this. I love privacy, autonomy, having things on my terms, being in charge, in control. But there's a line I won't cross to have that.

On the other hand, there are other people who are willing to suffer, to take hurt upon themselves, in order to keep someone else from harm, and to do them good.

I don't really understand that very well. But I also know when and in what circumstances that becomes the only right thing to do - let yourself be hurt for their sake. When you're committed to them - it's what you do.



Who would you rather be?

To be genuine and open-hearted, but a complete naif and total fool,

or...

To be duplicitous and guarded, but never get taken advantage of?



And which is better:

To give freely of yourself, believe the best of others, but wind up being defrauded?

or...

To hold yourself back, not risk exposing yourself to hurt, and so be solidly in control?



Which is better:

To love with your whole heart, lay yourself completely open, and wind up being cut deep and wide?

or...

To love only until it gets costly, keep enough secrets to guard your heart, and never really risk being open at all?



Which is better?

To vow to never hurt someone, give until you have nothing left, and then wind up being taken for granted?

or...

To do what's in your best interests, and hide what you must, to avoid wounding deeply those who love you?



Which is better?



I love independence, but..

As for me, I would rather be a total fool, be taken advantage of, be defrauded, be in the control of others, be cut deep and wide, be taken for granted, be abused and wounded, be seen as weak, but ... be trustworthy.

Or would you rather be seen by others as essentially closed to them, revealing only what you choose, independent, nobody's fool, worldly-wise, cynical, self-interested, but ... be able to stay safe from hurt and criticism?

Tough choice.

But if I had to choose between being the loyal dog who craves a kind touch, and being the master who one day pets and another day kicks the dog... I'd rather be the simple-minded dog. At least his heart is genuine. You never question a dog's sincerity. He just keeps coming back for more of the same - he loves unreservedly.

March

March.. March.. March..

Just the sound of it makes you think of moving ahead, of progress, of new life, of hope springing eternal.

A while back I had a view of what this March would bring. It sure has turned out differently than I thought, as has this vacation.

So here I sit in Cedar Rapids, IA, having biscuits & gravy with some nasty tasting coffee that I had to over-sweeten to get down, wondering what happened to March. Not to mention wondering what will happen next?

Why Cedar Rapids, you ask? Why not? I'm directionless, so...

Besides, I ran out of gas here, so it seemed like a good idea to stay over. I got myself "a clean comfortable room at a reasonable price" with a light left on for me. Plus the local Target has a wine department - that came in pretty handy last night.

There are some perfectly lovely sights to behold in Cedar Rapids. Really! And did you know that it's the dog food capital of the Midwest? You betcha!

(Sigh)

The recruiter called this morning. Still no resolution to which Twin Cities I'll be working in, and no timetable for knowing, so I guess I might as well go home tomorrow. Not that anyplace is home anymore. I thought I knew. I used to be able to name a place that felt like it.. but now - I don't know what to call home. I thought there was a place for me somewhere, and that this week would just confirm what I already knew All it's done so far is make me feel more homeless.

If March is so hopeful... why do I feel so melancholy?

Hey, Buddy. Pass the sugar, would ya? This is going to have to get a whole lot sweeter for me to get it down...

Actions Speak

louder than words, so the saying goes. I'm more convinced of that than ever.

Words can be beautiful things, and they can do much to heal. But they can do the opposite as well. As an example, if words you were counting on to be true, and were even assured to be true, prove later to be deceptive... it changes everything about your view of the person or organization that told them to you, and the impact from being lied to doesn't go away easily.

Even if your respect for the organization or your love for the person is stronger than the hurt, and you remain committed to them, you now view everything they say to you as unreliable.

What you look at from then on... is their actions. No wonder there's so many sayings on it - talk is cheap; easy to say, hard to do; I'll believe it when I see it, etc., etc. People and companies break trust, or build it up falsely in the first place.

Maybe this is what James had in mind when he said that "the tongue is a fire" and "no man can tame the tongue" and then goes on to list all the damage it can do, and how inconsistently we use what we say for both good and bad purposes. Except how is a person to know which use it's being put to, when someone's talking or writing to you? How can you tell?

Actions. Watch their actions. See if they match the words. Like Reagan's famous line about his approach to the Soviets: "trust, but verify". And if the verify part doesn't line up with the words part... then wait for their actions to line up, before you count on anything from them, before you take anything they say at face value again.

Maybe that's also what James meant when he said "what does it profit, brothers, if someone *says* he has faith, but does not have works?", and "I will show you my faith *by* my works". James knew how people are willing to lie to create a certain impression, or to avoid creating one, (like looking bad in the eyes of someone who matters to them.) So instead of lying about it, he wants instead that our actions actually line up with our words. To him, yes you trust a person's profession of faith (or love, or honesty), sure, but you *verify* it by their works (their actions.)

A person's actions really are the best indicator of what's in their heart. They may say all kinds of things about what they'd like to do with you, or want for you, or feel about you, but what they actually *do* for you is what shows you the truth.

Actions usually cost you something in terms of time or money (or quasi-money like vacation days or career building) or image or reputation or embarrassment or privacy or inconvenience. How do you know what you're worth to someone? By what they're really willing to spend of themselves on you. Exactly how much they value you will show - in their actions.

So here's a new "old saying", then (in rhyme of course):

Let them say what they may;
What they do tells what's true.

And for someone like me, who uses words a lot.. That means there's a lot of ground to cover; it can get very costly to have your actions match all those words. No wonder Solomon said "the more words, the more grief." I should pay attention and say less, so that when I say something.. it's true.

Psalm 151

No, I'm no warrior/poet/king like David, but the title is just a reminder that God is still as worthy of praise today as He was then.

Psalm 151
(a Psalm of Bob, contemplating wonderful things beyond his understanding)

The mercy of God is compassionate,

sparing the soul from judgment;

and in His mercy,

He does not cause those He loves

to suffer as their sins deserve.

The Lord grants His people two gifts in their sinfulness,

yes three in their wickedness:

to see their iniquity as He sees it,

to know the sorrow that fills His heart,

and to see His pardon wash over them like a cleansing rain.

The grace of God is powerful

to raise those He loves from death to life,

even in the midst of their sin;

the Lord's grace is also tender to bring healing

in their grief and brokenness.

We do not sin, Oh Lord God, so that mercy and grace may come. May it never be! But in our wanderings away from what is best, we know Your comfort and Your kindness, we hear Your relentless call to return to what we know is good.

For even when we fall, You lift us up;

when we run from what is good,

You still allow good to come to us;

and when we are lost

You never fail to show us the way home.

Is something being orchestrated?

As the prior post said, I was supposed to be in the Twin Cities Friday for some interviews. Due to a combination of airline incompetence and storm activity, I wound up missing my flight (to what turned out to be a closed office anyway, due to a storm, so that was a good thing) and redirected to a different place in the Midwest where I was going to wind up anyhow, afterwards.

Now I have to reschedule the interviews, which is another good thing as it will allow another set of circumstances to bake a little more thoroughly, and maybe help my timing work out right. I felt kind of at the mercy of a Larger Hand directing me on Friday. Maybe that same Hand will finish up directing my affairs for me this coming week, while I'm taking a vacation, goofing off, doing a few of my very favorite things, and.... studying every other spare minute. :) And then maybe I'll know where I'm moving and to what purpose.

Last night I went to the movie "Wild Hogs". Four middle aged men, all thoroughly domesticated (and in some cases emasculated) on a motorcycle road trip, rediscovering who they are. Dumb, but funny, and ... a tad too close to home at times! Also saw Zodiac, a serial killer mystery - good show.

Today, slept in, will put in a few hours of study and then... college basketball! Woo hoo! I love vacation!

Twin Cities, here I come!

Ah, but which pair of Twin Cities? That's the question. There's more than one, you know...

I was in one over the weekend, and will be in a different one Friday. And what it looks like is that one or the other will be a new primary address, soon! I just don't know which, yet.

More to come on that.

But the weekend was great. Managed to survive the storms, mostly unaffected except for my return flight which got delayed. Such fun with J1 & J2, though! And with the dog. He remembered me, aww.. and so fluffy. Needs a haircut. ;) The kids are doing well, and are excited about the prospect of the lead topic above.

Me, too. :)

Stay Tuned!

Things are going to happen fast the next couple of weeks.

Today I'm flying from one snowstorm to another. I slogged my way back from class last night, driving an hour-fifteen in driving snow. You know the kind that, at night, when you flip your brights on, you immediately flip them back off because it was white-out? That kind.

And by tonight in Chicagoland it sounds like it will be the same thing. It will be great fun to have an evening out with J1 and J2, though, and sleep in on Saturday, before I head to my business further south. The extra sleep will come in handy. I need to shake this head cold by Sunday night dinner!

More news next week. Job-related, all.

Motivations

This morning I was thinking about what in life motivates me. Not necessarily the things I value highly and enjoy, like music and beauty and symmetry and philosophy and meaning, but the things that I have consistently found myself striving to have present in my personal life.

I first started thinking about it in terms of what I want in a job, since I'm not crazy about this one, but then I thought "Oh, there's more to this than just the workplace. These things motivate my personal life, too." So, I'll start with the general application and then move to work.

This is a short list, but it hits the big motivations that have been around my whole life:

Freedom of Movement
Privacy
Individuality
Creativity
Self-expression
Being Wanted/Loved



The first two I suppose are variations on the idea of having a high degree of independence and autonomy (setting my own agenda, not having to answer closely to others, being able to pick up and go when and if I want.) It's been a driving force in my choices my whole life long. I've just suppressed it - a lot, for relationship reasons. And it's definitely been a source of either tension or lack of depth in most of my relationships. But if I ever feel like I have a real choice - I'll opt for autonomy every time.

Now bring in the notion of individuality, and you get the idea that I do NOT want to be what others expect me to be, to fit into a mold, play a role. I bristle at that. So much so, that I've found myself sometimes doing crazy and oddball things that I might not otherwise do, if for no other reason than to break a mold, step outside a pattern, do the unexpected, improvise, startle, get around the slowpoke in front of me, shake off the chafing yoke around my neck.

Part of this is related, I guess, to the artistic bent that I come wired with. Creativity is constantly bubbling inside and often boils over uncontrollably. The ideas just come, unbidden. I can't stop them. So I am driven to find situations where I can let it out "safely" and not scare people. ;) But if I have to be scary to vent the creativity, then darn it, I will be! Too bad. And, like the fiercely independent artist, they need to be *my* ideas, not someone else's who is simply paying my bills. I want my "patron" to allow me artistic freedom! :)

And this spills over into self-expression. I have a need to say what's on my mind, pour out what's on my heart, sing what's in my soul, whether people like it or not. Of course I hope they do, but - if they don't - I still need to get it out. Thank God for weblogs, community theatre, clubs and cabarets for singing and acting, and classrooms for teaching. I'd go crazy if I couldn't do these things, and have been miserable whenever those opportunities haven't been there.

Finally, the last item - being loved, being wanted. This is pretty universal, granted. But notice - it's *not* being needed! No, I have no real desire to be needed, because that implies a lack of autonomy, less freedom of movement. I'd much rather be *wanted* than needed. And I really don't want someone else dependent on me, any more than I want to be dependent on someone else. I admire autonomy and independence in others, too.

But! to be wanted, and loved... oh my yes! When I create, and express myself, and people enjoy it and want more... life is good. When someone knows who I am inside and loves me because of (or maybe *despite*) what they find inside, life is great! Sometimes I find a situation which is so good that way, that I never want it to stop, never want the show to close, the audience to tire, the words to stop flowing, the loving to take a break, the intimacy to need space.

Yet these things *have* to happen, don't they, at least occasionally, or those who want me and/or love me would be, in effect, prisoners, no? And rather than perform for a captive audience, or be loved by someone who's duty-bound to it, who wouldn't rather have people come back to you of their own accord because they enjoy who you are and what you do for them? Of course!

Yes, it takes more courage and self-confidence to let people be free of you if they choose to be, but then if they *do* stay, whether as fans or as friends or as lovers, their devotion to you is all the more sweet! Does even God prefer to be loved out of a sense of obligation? Or is His desire rather for a love and devotion from us which results from His kindness toward us, and our response to who He is?

So, okay, this is the personal life application, but what about work?

I think what this means for a job is that I want one where I:

am in charge, in the lead
have competent, independent staff
am not micro-managed, but trusted
implement my own ideas, not someone else's
can travel as I see need
get opportunities to teach and train
am valued by the company, my boss, my staff

So, let's see now... one out of seven isn't bad. Well - yes, it is. :(

I actually remember having one where all seven were in place. Believe it or not, I actually had the chance to write song lyrics and wear funny costumes and sing, and it was job-related! It was the most fun I've had in my 30+ years of working. At this point, I'd like very much one where I can hit on 5 or so of the above. Compared to where I am now, that would sure be sweet.

Strange week behind and ahead

Well, this is a different stretch. My otherwise very pleasant travels earlier in the week to Wisconsin and then to Florida got artificially extended by the snowstorm, which cancelled my flight back to New England, and forced me to spend an extra day in Miami Beach. :( I was so bummed. Really! Who needs 80 sunny degrees anyway? Give me Great Lakes weather any day. :)

Yeah, I can tell you're all sympathetic.

So I got back to a solid 6" sheet of snow/ice in the drive, and sub-freezing temps, so it will no doubt sit there now until Spring. Plus, non-stop study since I've been back, to get caught up. Serves me right, I suppose.

Then, starting tomorrow I have the house to myself for several days. Hope I can discipline myself to hit the books and not the clubs! Ha. Not to worry. I found out a while back that they don't even *open* until after I've gone to bed! ;)

And next weekend... I'm off to the Midwest again for a long weekend, quasi-business excursion and a chance to visit J1 & J2. Yay!

After that... who knows? I could be anywhere.

What is Love Like?

I've always loved numbers, loved to look for patterns in them, loved random number generators or coin flipping or dice rolling to see if they *really* distributed randomly or not. :) Geek boy...

Later, it was fun in math classes to learn about all different kinds of numbers: rational and irrational, real and imaginary, etc., because with categories like those, *now* we start crossing over into the realm of philosophy, another favorite subject, as faithful readers of this blog already know. ;)

So, with the coming of Valentine's Day once again, I happened to be browsing through a little collection I have of sayings about love, and this one struck me:

"Love is like pi", it said, "natural, irrational, and very important." Well!, I thought. It's way more than that!

Like pi, love is:

natural,

but

irrational

never-changing,

but

non-repeating

infinite,

but

limiting

constraining,

but

scaleable

and

a fundamental constant

that helps the world hang together.



But one thing it's not.

It's not:

imaginary.

:) It's very real. :)

Happy Valentine's Day!



And oh, yeah... if you were to try to describe it fully, just like describing pi, describing love would take all the pages of all the books that all the paper in the world could make, and you would not exhaust the subject.

The Book of Pi