Goodness of fit test

Well, that was... not what I expected.

Yesterday I had the heart-heart talk with PeBo (see post of 12/15/06) about his expectations and my ability to deliver on them, as well as my fit for the role, etc.

What I expected was to be out on my keyster, with a foot imprint on it to boot.

What I got was an active listener (too active - I had to constantly steer him back to my prepared script!), with some genuine concern for my welfare. :)

When I talked about my Meyers-Briggs profile (INTJ/ENTJ), the jobs I have found to be a good fit in the past (advisor/strategist), the difference between a thinker (me) and a do-er (him), and the difference between a Nehemiah (what he wants) and an Ezra (what he's got - see post of 12/03/06), it made sense to him. And finally, when I told him I had signed up for grad school at a seminary, the light bulb really went on. In fact, he stopped the conversation and said "oh, my - a light bulb just went on! I get it now."

He offered to talk to Rug next week and see if there were other work options for me around here that might play more to my passions (principle, concept, strategy, planning, motivating, teaching, writing, performing.) We even brainstormed a few, one of which was to craft a role as leader of an effort to coordinate all the actuarial and financial training around the company. That has a certain appeal.

Now, I don't expect that something like that will just fall out of the sky in the next 2 weeks, but I do think I worried for nothing (which is normal for me), since he seemed to genuinely have my best interests at heart, and saw that there were other ways that I could contribute around here and have a better fit with my style, personality, interests.

I'm hopeful coming into the new year, that 2007 will be a better year than 2006, both work wise and personally.

Christmases, City and Rural

Christmas in the city is busy, bustling, exciting. People are a little happier than usual, a tad more friendly, but also more harried - they just carry it well. The city takes on a festive glow, the window lights softening the glare of streetlights and neon shop signs. It's business as usual, though - *more* than usual in some sectors, with part-timers brought on to handle the press of business at the holidays. The carols can be heartfelt, but they can also mean the difference between breaking even and a decent profit for the year. Parties are in full swing, the bar/restaurants are booked solid with groups of co-workers having some holiday cheer. It's busy, no doubt about it. When I hear this song, I can picture the scene:

Christmas makes you feel emotional
It may bring parties or thoughts devotional
Whatever happens or what may be,
Here is what Christmas time means to me.

City sidewalk, busy sidewalks
dressed in holiday style.
In the air there's
a feeling of Christmas.

Children laughing, people passing,
meeting smile after smile,
And on every street corner you'll hear:

Silver bells, silver bells,
It's Christmas time in the city.
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring,
soon it will be Christmas day.

City street lights,
even stop lights,
blink a bright red and green,
As the shoppers rush home
with their treasures.

Hear the snow crunch,
see the kids bunch,
This is Santa's big scene,
And above all this bustle you'll hear:

Silver bells, silver bells,
It's Christmas time in the city.
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring,
soon it will be Christmas day.

But in the country... it's different. The rookie cop pulls patrol on Christmas day, the fire house is down to a skeleton crew. The quick marts and gas stations are closed up along with the coffee shop and the shoe repair place. People are still nice, yes, but no more than they are all year 'round. It comes with the territory around here. But they're harder to find - they're home with family, eating, drinking, playing Sheepshead or Pinochle or Euchre, drinking some more, and watching football on TV. Or... they're at church.

Last night after checking on the dog I drove from the cabin on the lake into town for the Christmas Eve candlelight service, and the little country church that I pass on the way had a parking lot full of cars. I'd never seen more than one there before this, but with the parking lot full, the church lit from within, and the light shining *out* through the stained glass, it seemed so warm and cozy - and quiet. You could almost hear the assembled multitude of friends, neighbors and extended families, all singing "Silent Night" acapella. Driving by, you got the feeling that this was the time of year where the stained glass wasn't for those inside the church, like it is on a Sunday morning - but for those passing by on a dark night, with no church of their own, no anchor for the season.

Still others are at the tavern with *their* extended "family" of fellow revelers, lifting their spirits a bit differently. The jukebox plays "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" to a rousing singalong on the chorus, good for a few knowing yuks afterwards. People know that songs like this fit them, here where snowmobiles run in the ditches beside the country two-lanes or cut across the fields marked as available for such cross-country transit. The comraderie is as vibrant, if not as focused on inner joy and the life to come. There are simpler pleasures out here where the deer and dogs run free but the rusting trucks in the backyard don't. The outside lighting displays are less the latest trend from Macy's (or even Target), and more from the traditions of the previous generation and what the new one has added slowly and respectfully over the years. There's less focus on change and more on continuity - of yard lights, and of family rituals.

So what's the right song for a rural Christmas? Maybe some combination of "White Christmas", "I'll Be Home For Christmas", and "The Christmas Song", all of which talk about things from our past that we want to remember - warm, happy, home-centric memories. But I like this one - I can see the country lane and the meadow and the snowman, can't you?

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,

in the lane, snow is glistening.

A beautiful sight,we're happy tonight,

walking in a winter wonderland.

Gone away is the bluebird,

here to stay is a new bird

He sings a love song,as we go along,

walking in a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,

Then pretend that he is Parson Brown

He'll say: Are you married? we'll say: No man,

But you can do the job when you're in town.

Later on, we'll conspire,

as we dream by the fire

To face unafraid,the plans that we've made,

walking in a winter wonderland.

It snowed a couple of days ago, and everything got covered in whiteness and a clean beauty. Waking up yesterday morning ago to snow covered branches and a glaze of ice on the lake, birds at the feeder, fire in the hearth... there's a lot to be said for Christmas way out here in the country.

Rocky Redux

After driving around looking at lights last night (such as they are in this little burg up north), J2 and I headed to the movie theatre to see "Rocky Balboa". A nice little outing for father and son.

The movie was a bit introspective (maybe that's Stallone as filmmaker looking at himself, who knows), but the fight scenes were still great, and we both liked the symmetry of the movie vis-a-vis the entire series. It closed a loop, sort of ended where it began.

And it was remarkable how in shape the guy was. He has the sagging skin of a 60 year old (I'm beginning to relate) but underneath that lack of youthful tautness, he was *built*, with enormous arms. Very little fat on the belly, although he was barrel-chested (as one gets over time, despite the best intentions.) The years were evident, but so was the remaining power.

I suppose it's romantic, sentimental, and even a little maudlin to insert oneself into the plot line. And who better than me to do such a thing? ;) One of the things Rocky said was that he still had "stuff inside" that needed to come out - he wasn't done yet - but had no way to express it. Hm. I liked that he found a way to flame out, and not sputter (see last pic in post of 11/28). You know, "old guy does good", that kind of thing.

I still have stuff inside, too, that needs to come out. I'm not done yet, either. So all I need, I guess, is a metaphorical ring to step into. Still looking for the right venue...

Home For Christmas?

I'm dreaming tonight of a place I love
even more than I usually do.
And though I know it's a long road back
I promise you

I'll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents 'round the tree.

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love-light gleams;
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams



I'm not sure about being "home for Christmas" this year - even if it's only in my dreams.

Where is home for me, again? Someone refresh my memory, please - I've forgotten. Show me where home is, would you? I'd like to go there right about now. I'm pretty sure I'll know it when I see it.

Oh boy, a heart to heart!

What did I just get myself into?

Just had my usual 1 on 1 with Pebo in which I told him what I was working on, and then he recapped how he thought things were going.

Following several well-placed criticisms of my staff (like I'm not already painfully aware of these things...) he did wrap up by saying that he and Rug agree that they are seeing much better behaviors from me, which I take to mean more evidence of being engaged, which is in turn derived from delivering more work products, or at least having a plan for same. So that's positive, I guess. I'm not sure I'm doing anything differently, though - it's just that stuff we've had in the queue for a while is getting finished. Hm.

Well, anyway, he had asked the time before how he could help me. I was prepared today to ask for a couple of things. First, could he be less directive and less blunt, more congenial? I had concrete examples that seemed to ring bells with him. So, maybe that will help me feel less intimidated, I don't know. Second, could we take some time after Christmas (we're both in the office between then and New Year's) to have a non-project related discussion about my personality type, work style and fit with his expectations for this current assignment I'm in.

He even agreed to do a little pre-reading for it! He loves to hand out things to read, and I will no doubt wow him by my comprehension of the latest business book he's given to all of us to read, "The Goal" by Eliyahu M. Goldratt. But I think he'll be surprised by my reaction to it - emotional, not intellectual. The intellectual conclusion of the book was obvious. The emotional impact unexpected. (that seems to be my pattern these days - unexpected emotional reactions to things)

So, he's going to read before the 27th some descriptions I gave him of the INTJ/ENTJ personality types (which I fluctuate between - depending on who I'm with and what I'm doing), and will also read the two short Biblical books of Ezra and Nehemiah, so I can relate to him the analogy I laid out in a prior post.

Boy, oh boy. This conversation should be a real corker. Pass the kleenex. Wish I was the one driving across the country with the dog for Christmas. I'd welcome the drive back alone to think and rehearse what I'll say. Instead I fly in and out - and talking to myself out loud on the airplane doesn't usually make the people around me very comfortable. Hope I can distract myself over the holidays and not dwell on this upcoming talk. At least it's scheduled for end of day, so that I can go home afterwards and perspire & shake in private. :)

Conflicting (or converging) Advice?

People are aware of both my job situation and my enrolling in grad school, and I'm getting two consistent streams of advice and counsel these days.

One thread is basically: "Bloom where you're planted. Buckle down and work hard. Give 100% - a day's work for a day's pay. Develop a good reputation. Trust in God and He will deliver you at the right time. Don't try to weasel out of a tough situation - learn whatever lesson is there for you to learn."

The other thread is more like: "Connect with your passions. Use the time you have left to make the biggest impact on those around you, leave a positive legacy behind you. It's never too late to change direction. This is the time of life where you can be free again to grow and change for the better. As long as you're energetic and healthy - follow your heart, trust God for the rest. What is your security in, anyway? Money isn't everything, you know."

So... is one thread of advice right and the other wrong?

Or, can I apply both at the same time somehow? Maybe so - I think the next 3-4 months will tell the tale. A quarter's worth of grad school, at the same time trying to improve things at work, looking at other career options in the meantime... who knows? Maybe I can learn something about myself and life while exploring a new direction for my remaining productive years, be that 5, 15, 25, or 50. Who knows how long?

Like Gandalf says to Frodo, when Frodo wishes out loud to be rid of his burden - wishes "that none of this had happened." Gandalf says to him: "So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

Neither is it for me to decide how much productive time I have left. But what do I do with what I've been given? *How* do I spend it?

Nehemiah I'm not

Lately the sermons at church have been dovetailing with my personal life. And, while that's good, it's also unsettling! Especially so when it's work-related. As frustrating as that has been lately, I've tried to let it stay at the office when I leave, but now even the pastors won't let me!!! :) Hmmm. Ok, maybe it's not them that's pestering me. Maybe it's the One for whom they work.

So on Friday I'm sitting in PeBo's office for my weekly one-on-one with him, trying to keep the hair on the back of my neck down. He is blunt and directive from the start, which puts me immediately on edge, as if I weren't anxious enough already. But, the conversation actually goes pretty well and he ends by saying "I have no issues with you."

!!

How am I supposed to react to that? It almost felt like I was supposed to look at my shoes and say "thank you, kind sir." So I didn't say anything. Then he says: "how are WE doing, you and me?" and I sort of choke. That kind of question is way too multi-faceted to respond to without some thought, so as I'm thinking and looking at the window, he looks at his watch and says "well, you think about it. When we meet next I'd like you to tell me what I can do for you, tell me how I can help you."

Okay, then. Um... at least I have a chance to think about that for a another week. But what do I say? I do want to hang on to this job for a while...

So today I'm listening to the sermon and it seems sort of irrelevant (he was talking about expressing anger - although come to think of it, maybe it's not all *that* irrelevant), until the pastor uses Nehemiah as an example of how to deal with anger well. Then, my head starts to fill with ideas. Not about anger, but about Nehemiah, his contemporary, Ezra, and an analogy that might just fit...

A couple of weeks ago a department head in another area of the company told me "this company has a strong culture of rewarding people who get things done." Do-ers, in other words. Not thinkers, not persuaders, but do-ers.

I think that's what PeBo wants. A do-er. A take-charge guy who will take the long list of things PeBo wants done and do what it takes to make them happen. Seems to me that I am much more a thinker and a persuader than a doer. My most successful career role has been in positions that require intuitive thinking and persuading about what should happen next. I look for patterns in things and try to connect dots, connect ideas, explain why things are the way they are, and then persuade others to see the same thing, and then act on it. I connect people who are thinking similarly, or who need each other to avoid working on the same thing in parallel but at cross purposes.

What came to mind this morning is the difference between Nehemiah and Ezra. Both were involved in the rebuilding of Jerusalem after the Jews' Babylonian exile. But their roles were very different (though complementary) and their reactions to short-sighted behavior very different (though both effective.) If you read the OT books that bear their names, you get a composite picture.

Nehemiah was the skilled administrator and led by command. He was directive and unyielding in his approach to getting things done. He was critical when he needed to be, and gave pats on the back when appropriate. He lined up his resources, prepared a plan, executed it to a T. He lacked much compassion for failure, and harangued people to do what was necessary to accomplish what he knew was right.

Ezra was the visionary and teacher, who led by appealing to principle. He called the people to take the right path, explained to them what it was, and was broken-hearted over failure, publicly abasing himself as an example, taking their shame on himself. He appealed to their better nature, called them to a higher standard, motivated people not with a plan but with a vision and purpose.

PeBo wants a Nehemiah. I think I'm an Ezra.

Anarchists Knitting Mittens

The Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend J1 and I went on a tour of the downtown, including a gorgeous art deco building and the company HQ. While in the area, we stopped off at the First Annual Punk Rock Flea Market. It's kind of hard to describe the experience, but - you know of course that I'll try. ;)

It was in the basement of a neighborhood cultural center (made possible by the very government that the people at the anarchist literature table were pushing to tear down - I'm sure the irony was lost on the group.) and had about 15 tables selling both used and newly handmade stuff. I was the only person in the room over 30 and so got a few inquisitive looks, but also got involved in a couple of interesting and enthusiastic conversations.

I was fascinated as I riffed through the Punk and Hardcore music for sale (um... and what's the difference, again?), to find that so much was on vinyl. How long have these bands been around anyway? But then I realized... Hey! this is NEW vinyl! New! As in they just pressed the stuff this year. You must be kidding me...

So I asked a kid behind one table about it, expressed my amazement, and he said "Yeah, vinyl's cool. In fact, here... this one's an EP of my own band. I'm giving them out as promos - take one!" Promos, I said? That can't be cheap. Aren't CDs more economical? "Of course", he said, "but they're not as cool. And you guys were right, man, vinyl just sounds better! Plus, the cover art is waaaay better. It's like, you know, BIG! You can really see the detail in great graphics and stuff so much better that way. It's like, some of the old classic rock albums had really great artwork, too - you remember, right?"

Yeah, man, I remember - hey, I'm cool. I just... forgot for a while that I was. :)

Funny how things come around again. Like great vinyl LPs with cool cover art. I have some on my lounge wall right now. :) Classic stuff, dude. But it's not just happening in music. You look on furniture or clothing design websites and it's lots of 60's retro looks. That was a very hip time, innovative, edgy, cool. I think that's why I like my lounge so much - it's a modern take on old coolness.

And then there's philosophy. Some of the same concepts are coming around again there, too, just with a modern take. Anarchist literature for example... I read a fair amount of radical leftist power-to-the-people tear-down-the-government pamphlets in my late teens/early twenties. Feminists wanted sexual liberation and to destroy gender objectification, while the anarchists wanted liberation from the warmongers in Washington (as I recall, the Democrats began *that* war and Republicans were left to handle the withdrawal...) and to break down the military-industrial complex. Right on, brother!



Yet here, while the boys were selling used CDs (and new vinyl!), t-shirts, band posters, anarchist literature and vigorously discussing "the movement", the girls were selling vegan baked goods and home made crafts (cloth purses, decorative buttons, knitted mittens, Christmas (!) ornaments, notecards) and discussing so&so's new baby. Hmmm... so much for gender objectification.

It felt like I entered a time warp and I stepped into 1971. I'd been here before! Except back then the girls wore granny dresses and head scarves instead of layered t-shirts and goth makeup, and the boys were not dressed in studded black leather with half-gloves - it was work boots and loose-fitting poncho-style shirts with rawhide laces and fabric that felt like gunny sack material. And when it got damp it smelled like wet dog.

But everything else was the same. Kids passing out ideological literature (libertarianism, conservation, communism), discussion of "the movement" (be it back-to-the-earth, feminism, the Jesus movement - you could pick your movement), cool band posters and radical album cover art (remember the inside of Steppenwolf's "For Ladies Only"? Shocking!), and loads of home made crafts (macrame' hanging plant pot holders made from hemp) and nasty-tasting but healthy baked goods. Yikes! I've entered The Twilight Zone!

I shoulda saved all my copies of Mother Earth News. They would've gone over big. And! My Mr. Natural cartoons...
keep on truckin', mama - truck my blues awayyyyy. Far out!

Were we all that earnest in those days? Yeah, I think so. Everyone had a secret (or open) dream of going off the grid and doing a little organic farming with renewable energy, raising some chickens... and some friends actually did! Spent a weekend once at a Christian Commune... discovered I don't really like chickens. :) But, man, what *was* great was to be quietly zealous about an idea and think that you could actually maybe go off and live according to it! Hm. I miss that.

Time to do that again, maybe. I kind of liked these kids. I recognized them - and myself - from another time. I'd like to be zealous for a cause again. And the corporate profit motive isn't cutting it as a cause around which to unify and get people excited.

So, with some magnetic letters I got in Juxtapoz magazine (J1 pointed it out to me - now skater art is becoming collectable! who knew?), I posted this reminder to myself on my bookcase at the office.

For the last... oh... 6 years or so, I've felt like my flame is sputtering, here in corporate America. Not enough oxygen in this part of the world.

Maybe if I get to a place where I spend my time filling young minds with something other than a rigid ideology and teach them instead how to reason through, understand, and relate to people with, philosophies other than their own, I can see that flame burn bright again until one day it just goes POP! and then I wake up in a place filled with pure motives.

(sigh)

Wouldn't that be lovely? Almost like living the simple life on a little organic farmette somewhere off the grid - with no chickens.

What a nice weekend!

What with both kids home, their grandparents here, plus uncle/aunt/cousins, it seemed like a normal Thanksgiving. Feels now like the house has been broken in, and is official! Family's been here. :)

There was a boatload of traditional food (of course) plus a few new recipes, all of which were yummy this year - sometimes they're not! The lounge was a favorite destination for the introverts in the family to sneak away and have a little privacy to read amidst the chaos upstairs. The bar was open, and used now and then - not a continuous stream by any means. But the tastings were fun! I mean, how often does a parent have the opportunity to do shots with your kids? Um, hey... that sounds a lot worse than it was...

And, as usual, shopping Friday in various combinations of people, the teenagers sleeping until noon (mostly), movies at the theatre and on the couch, grandpa doing projects in the house and yard, various people on the internet catching up on emails or tracking stocks or updating myspace accounts, the family band (cover your ears!), Carl and me writing a song and laying down guitar and vocal tracks on his portable 4-track recorder, and of course cards, cards, and more cards... the boy is good enough to keep himself in pocket money playing cribbage in college, but still can't beat the old man. Awww...

Everyone's gone now except the weeuns (as they say in Glasgow) and with them it's off to church this morning, a little Christmas decorating this afternoon and then off to the airport.

Next week... vacation's over. But it was nice while it lasted.

Medication

When I was back in the Midwest visiting my doctor (and daughter!) earlier this month, I knew something wasn't right. I hoped it would show up in the blood test result. And it did.

The Testosterone levels were at the low end of middle, but okay. The Thyroid levels were waaaaay off, though! The doc said that this could be the reason I was feeling more depressed and down, less able to handle stress. So she goosed the dosage, and already I can tell the difference. :) Better. Better.

What a difference this stuff makes. But you know, it also makes me wonder... can I even make decent decisions when my levels aren't right? Can I interpret circumstances properly? I'm starting to question my own judgement, and whether or not it's affected by the medication. Yikes!

Who Moved My Big Cheese?

This morning I'm supposed to be in a large meeting of field-based executives who are in for a semiannual confab. I'll be on the dais myself this afternoon around 4ish doing some technical training of the group. I always look forward to that type of experience. It's like being on stage, performing again. :)

But the first session today is a group of Big Cheeses doing a panel discussion for the assembled multitude, some of which are there because they long to simply touch the hem of an executive's garment and so have careers mystically healed. Yesterday the organizers were grousing about how there will be so many "crashers" (groupies, crowd followers, etc.) that they needed to expand the room, and still think it will be SRO. So, why not yield my seat to someone who gives a ... um, I mean, to someone who is truly eager to sit at the feet of the wise and learned. Well, I am too, I guess. The trick is to find some.

I recall not two months ago, when catching Rug and Mousewoman in an unguarded moment, that I heard her complain about the mess that still needs cleaning up from her predecessor's regime. Rug reported to her predecessor at the time of that conversation and gave her a fellow insider's knowing assent. That man (whom I'll refer to as Mr. Clean) is now the CXX or some such set of initials and is one of the big cheeses presenting this morning. I've met him, the CYY and the CZZ, too. I'm pretty sure that they wear pants and underwear like most of us do.

There are exceptions to that of course. I may have seen some of those exceptions in Scotland. ;) Dang it. I should have bought one of those things for myself. Woohoo, sure felt *that* breeze!

Passed the leadership trinity on the street on Tuesday, in fact. They were walking over to a photo shoot in a big hotel, and I was going to my desk from the parking garage. If I didn't know who they were, I would have thought they were the most ordinary of men. And they may be exactly that. Mr. Clean has that reputation anyway. People shake their heads and wonder how he got promoted.

Some people get promoted to be Big Cheeses because they are truly talented, with useful skills and abilities. Some get their shot because they are really good with people - natural leaders. Some can present a consistent, unruffled confident corporate image. And yet, others get promoted despite the fact that they possess none of the above, in a big time way. But they know somebody. Or are handy.

For a while I think that held true for me. I got shots at promotions and new assignments because I had mentors, not because I was good with people, had useful skills or exuded a corporate image. Instead, I'm withdrawn & aloof, have mediocre business skills at best, and exude quirkyness while being way too transparent about what I really think. Yet, I rose up the ladder... I think it was because a Big Cheese was helping me.

Since I left Wazoo Corp. (after the corporate takeover) that has NOT been the case, and the Peter Principle has come into play. The Peter Principle, for the uninitiated, is that we are always promoted to our level of incompetence. However, if you have a highly placed mentor, the Peter Principle is automatically suspended for you in that organization. And, if you rise high enough, even if you are incompetent the organization must not admit it, because it reflects poorly on their ability to identify talent. They have to promote you again to some place where you can't hurt them.

I recall some 15 years ago, and continuing for the next 7 or 8 years until about the year 2000, watching the Big Cheeses at Wazoo Corp. I tried to understand what made them successful, but I focused on their public behaviors, not their private connections or innate abilities. I would watch them work a room, speak to a group of middle managers, greet workers at lunch, etc. I thought - I'll be doing that some day; I'd better figure out how.

Not anymore. There's some combination of jadedness, cynicism, loss of ambition, recognition of my limitations, a sense that time is fleeting, a desire for greater meaning, etc., that has said to me: "stop stop stop!" I am *not* going to be a Big Cheese. I don't aspire to it, and I'm not going to even *try* to be one. In the sport of corporate ladder climbing, some need to be down on the field of play, some need to be spectators watching and cheering for their favorites, and some - like me - need to be in the broadcast booth doing color commentary. :) I've officially retired from professional ladder climbing. I'm the former athlete (not to be referred to as washed-up or has-been, however) turned analyst.

And really, I had my day in the sun as far as that goes. My last job at Wazoo was not a Big Cheese, but a good-sized one, a Nearly Big Cheese, I'd say. But even then, I wasn't corporate. I was quirky, entertaining, self-deprecating, transparent to the point of once in a while needing to be reprimanded by a Big Cheese for being too honest. You can tolerate that in a department head, even in a senior executive, the VP of Such and So. But not in anyone higher up than that. So... it won't be me as a Big Cheese. Too much of an outlier, too much of an oddball.

Now, I suppose if they dropped it on me, I'd take it. But, I would probably wind up being an embarrassment to someone if I were going to be true to myself. I think it would be better if I were named CSS (Chief Of Something Smaller.) Like a classroom maybe. :) Then I could be quirky, transparent, entertaining, emotional, and... be liked for it. The young minds full of mush would leave my class and say: "he is kind of a funny old guy, isn't he? Eccentric, you know; odd - but sweet. I like him. And I actually sort of understand what he's trying to say. He's definitely my most interesting class this semester."

I'd take that.

The envelope, please...

The check is in the mail! Today!

Okay, so it's Veterans' Day or something and it isn't going anywhere until tomorrow, but still - it's in the mail, doggone it!

My application to Grad School is en route, with money. Evening classes start January 4. I&II Samuel (OT225) on site and Emergence of the Church (NT112) on line. I'm going! I'm finally going.

God help me. I wanna do this well. I hope I'm not just fooling myself... I mean, me - seminary! Can that work?

Squeezing again

Met with Pebo & Rug yesterday for a 30 day followup on our "get your butt back in the office!" meeting of a month ago. Pebo continues to squeeze. Everytime I'm in a meeting with him, I start to itch. Even a group lunch where nobody discussed work - I was edgy and wanted to get away. What is it with me, with him? Arghh.

While I'm checking items off the to-do list, it still feels like the evaluation criteria of what success looks like for my department keeps changing based on whatever my business partners discuss with Pebo in the hallway this week. Perceptions are so slippery... I have a hard time knowing where to grab this fish to keep it from flopping out of my hands.

And, while I'm grabbing at the fish, Pebo is pouring more water on it, keeping it slippery, and watching me struggle while offering pithy commentary ("coaching"). Grrrrrr....

A dream deferred?

I've been mulling over a couple of verses lately:

Micah 6:8 He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.



Some of you know that I've wanted for some, oh, 18 months or more now, to prepare for a change in careers as I get closer to retirement.

I know, I know, that's quite a ways off. 14+ years.

But a year and a half ago, before learning that my division was closing and my job was going away, it had seemed much closer. I had thought "5 more years until I can opt for early retirement and lock in retiree health benefits for later use when my income is low." And I thought "this will let me go back to school, get my Masters and then teach, without worrying about health coverage or a decent pension."

It seemed like such a good plan. I had struggled for so many years with supporting the profit expectations of my employers, when I really wanted to influence the generation coming up behind me to (as Micah the prophet says) "do justice, love kindness, walk humbly with their God", integrate their faith with the rest of their life, and behave ethically and compassionately in the marketplace. This was going to be my opportunity! So I enrolled in night school, excited about the dream.

But with the forced change in employment to a new company and a move to a new part of the country, away from support and away from school, that dream seemed dead. Now I will have to work until 65 at least, at a job that's demanding enough to preclude a course of study, or so it seems.

Yet, two Sundays ago, the pastor preached on the dreams in your heart, where they come from, whose they are, and how likely it is that they will come to pass. At the same time, I found an extension campus about an hour away from me which is affiliated with a great seminary in St. Paul. They offer classes Thursday nights in the exact major I was wanting to earn - an M.A. in Theological Studies.

All of a sudden, the dream maybe isn't dead anymore. Maybe... maybe...

I have a magnet on my cabinet at work, a quote from Mary Lou Retton. It says: "Each of us has a fire in our hearts for something... find it and keep it lit!"

Oh, I know what the fire is for - but can I keep it lit? For 18 months it's been out completely and I have felt its loss. I've been heartsick because of the hope that was deferred. Do I dare light the fire again?

50-something

(sigh)

I had to change the header of the blog today. I started this thing some 18 months ago or so, before the big 5-0. Now, I guess I can't say I'm "nearly-50" anymore. Awww...

"50ish" works though, I think. Then I won't have to change the header for a while. :)

And you know... if I could be 10 again, I wouldn't do it. It was not fun. 20 wasn't either (I'd just gotten fired.) And 30, 40 - no point in doing those over. I would never do child-rearing again (sorry, kids). Well, maybe if I got a government worker's pension out of the deal... nahhh! Not even that. Besides, they turned out pretty well the first time. :) If I did it over again, I might really mess them up.

These are good years to be alive and healthy. I like being this age. To me it's the best yet. I'm in decent shape, vigorous, have a trimmed back lifestyle, enough discretionary income to indulge myself now and then, enough accumulated wisdom to know when to hold back for the good of others, something to teach and share, brand new experiences all the time, and many many life goals checked off the list... these are the best years of my life. My twenties? Man, you can have 'em.

Two years ago, while preparing for a Sr. High Sunday School class, I made up this little proverb to sum up one's outlook on aging, and I think it holds true (at least everyone who's heard it says so):

You know you're grown up when you stop wanting to be older. You know you're old when you start wanting to be younger.

By that definition, I'm nowhere near old yet. I'm enjoying being this age. What is it, again? I forget... :)

Grace vs. Karma

The pastor (younger of the two) yesterday preached on having a dream, and how to know if it's one God has inpsired in you, or if it's one you sort of made up to satisfy yourself. Interesting, and it opened me up to an idea... but more on that another time.

During the sermon he referred to a song by U2 (his favorite band) called Grace. He referenced the line that says Grace "travels outside of karma". The song has a duality to it, referring not only to a girl with the name Grace but also to the idea of grace. You can see it in the lyrics that follow.

His point was that most religions (incl. Judeo/Christian) have some form of karma built in - you reap what you sow, etc., but what makes the Jewish and Christian religions unique is the concept of grace. Most religions say that we'll ultimately get what we deserve. But no others say that we ever receive *more* than we deserve. In most, even Paradise must be earned.

Mercy and grace are two sides of the same coin. Mercy is NOT getting what we rightly have coming to us (condemnation due to wrongdoing), and grace is GETTING what we have no right to at all (intimate fellowship with a Holy God.) If anyone knows of a religion like that, other than Judaism/Christianity... what is it?



Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things

Easing his grip

Met with Pebo today, and reviewed status on a number of things. He was pleased and very encouraging. I felt his grip loosening. Ahhhh...

And yet, I know if I let down for a second and he gets nervous, he'll start squeezing again. Maybe a dog wearing a shock collar is a good analogy. Get too close to the edge of the lawn (or in my case, too far astray from the work plan) and... zap!

(sigh)

My dog, Inferno, got used to it. Maybe I will too! :) He still gets into mischief in the house. I'll bet I still can. ;)

Ha. Right. Mischief at my age. That reminds me of a song lyric sung in the 40's by Julia Lee, a rhythm & blues singer. She sings to her aging lover man:

When you were young,
Your motor was fine.
Now your rear end's shot,
You're in low gear all the time!

You ain't got it no more.
You ain't got it no more.
Can't get yourself arrested!
You ain't got it no more.



Not me, though. Hey, baby, I still got it! Oh yeah!

Um, I think so anyway.

Hm.

Feeling Squeezed

It was a tough week this week. Since I lost Alpaca for a dotted-line boss, and picked up Pebo in his place, the intensity level has ratcheted way up. Pebo has a hands-around-the-throat management style (or at least that's how it feels to me), and when he feels pressure from Mousewoman, his boss, the approach that he seems to resort to with his staff is... squeeze tighter.

Now, for a guy like me who's highest value/need in life has historically been autonomy (you know, setting my own course, making my own choices, not following a script, being the car on the highway with no one in front of him...) this is uncomfortable. I don't mind being responsible for my own choices, and I always have done so. I DO mind having my choices being prescribed for me by others, or influenced to such an extent (by others whom I care about, or for whom I have responsibility, or to whom I owe allegiance) that I feel I really have NO choice at all, and must do X, or else the result is too harmful to those around me, even though it's not really what I want for myself. I chafe at that, and always have.

But in the past, I've had more ability to tolerate it, bite back the irritation, compromise and give in, than I do now. With all that's happened over the last 18 months, recovering from medical issues, adjusting to medications, losing my chance at early retirement & grad school & career change, losing my job and having to uproot, starting over again, leaving loved ones of all sorts behind, losing my Dad and my brother, losing resources with financial setbacks from the relocation, etc., etc.... I have less capacity to handle stress and disappointment than I've had in the past. It's like having an immune system that's compromised, so that any little illness becomes a major deal.

So when my boss, and therefore the rules/expectations at work, change mid-stream, I find it more of a blow, harder to take than usual. And it spills over into how I handle everything else. Personal (interior) life, family life, work life - it's all interrelated and running together these days, I can't compartmentalize. My tendency when faced with this is to want to get some space, hit the open road, and let everybody figure things out on their own, me included. When I feel constrained by circumstances I can't control, my instinct is to jump the fence, and behave like the wild untamed stallion, not like the gelding broken to saddle and bridle which everyone prefers.

Scotland is calling me back. :)

Reality

bites, or so I've heard it put.

Too bad vacations have to end. :)

Back to piled up emails, projects that haven't finished, concerned bosses, people needing direction, an overfull and rapidly changing calendar. And that's just at work.

(sigh)

From what I read, Heaven is not one long vacation, but it's just life (and work) in Paradise, without the work having to be by the sweat of your brow and without all the thorns and thistles that come up along with the vegetables...

I'm ready for that. Work that is not frustrating or counterproductive. What a great idea. Who came up with that, anyway? ;)

I could get angry at Adam for screwing it up for everybody... but - I am Adam.

Scotland!

is soooo different from Iceland. What contrasts!

Castles in lush countryside...

to kilts in an urban setting...

from the traditional...

to the historically innovative...

to the very modern...

grace and charm blended, in a vibrant working-class city full of the friendliest people! They really mean it here when they say Cheers!

I could stay here a while. While waiting for my bus, I was tempted to miss it completely and not come back at all! :)

Iceland!

How to describe it here?

It´s ethereal, bleak, stark, austere, rugged, active, varied.

The weather is 45 degrees, misty, breezy, overcast. Perfect! :)

Spent day one touring the city and going to the spa (see pictures).

For all the quaintness and picturesqueness of the city shown to tourists, there is also a "back of the house" that's less presentable.

Day two was spent seeing the sights of nature during the day (see pictures),

and the club scene at night (NO pictures!).

Day three (today) is spent catching up on email and blogging, organizing pictures, and shopping.

And oh yes, eating! So far... lamb soup, lamb hot dogs, skyr (a variation on yogurt), herring (ick), fish and chips, fish buffet, muesli, cold cuts for breakfast, and lots & lots of coffee.

It seems too soon to leave... but Glasgow awaits.

I am soooooo ready

to go overseas! I'm even looking forward to customs and several hours in the air. :) Anything to get that stamp in my passport. What does one even look like, anyway?

I can identify with the scene from that David Ducovny movie "Return To Me" with ... who? (brb) Minnie Driver! (I had to Google it..) where she ... NO! Wait a minute! Wrong romantic comedy. :) It was "While You Were Sleeping" with Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman. I think. Whatever. You've cried at one... you've cried at them all.

Anyway, I identify with the scene where the lead actress bemoans the fact that she's never gotten a single stamp in her passport and wants one so badly. It's silly, but - I do!

I saw an Omni movie in a local museum here in St. Paul about the Vikings, and how they settled Iceland. It looks gorgeous. I can hardly wait to see those vistas in person!

But first, some fun in old St. Paul while I wait for my departure flight. Museums, shopping, movies... mmmm. Plenty of time to sleep while I'm on the airplane.

Another week on the road almost in the books. A couple more days and... I'm free to enjoy life! Not that work isn't enjoyable, but - you know what I mean. ;)

Yet another away message

on my voicemail and email at work...

This last week was nuts, a combination of trying to catch up from being out of the office 8 days out of 10, touching all my staff in some way, keeping developing projects going, and keeping a lid on PeBo's anxiety over the Great Fire Drill To Find The Missing Money.

I really have to stop calling it that, though. One of my staff said "I'm putting all this time in for a fire drill?" No no no no no - sorry, Carol. Didn't mean it like that. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! No one's effort has been wasted! Sometimes sarcasm from the mouth of a department head is inappropriate and this time it was my turn to goof.

It's just that I can see clearly that the problem is solved, but so many other people need proof, and it is taking up soooo much time... I wish sometimes that I could let people inside my head what I see. In this case they might relax. But the problem then would be... how do I get rid of them after they're done looking? ;)

Hmmm. That would make a good plot for a sci-fi movie. A guy has the ability to allow people to see things as he sees them. Selectively at first, and only when he wants them to. But then, as the psychic connection gets deeper, they can see through his eyes whenever THEY want to (of course seeing things that he doesn't WANT them to see, like how he views them and others), and even later... they begin to alter HIS perceptions to match theirs, and he loses his identity in the process. Sort of like a Vulcan mind-meld gone bad. =:O Creepy.

So... where was I? :) Oh yes. By the end of the week, everything at work was calm, cool, collected. No one's nervous, everyone's tended to. I did my job. :)

And now, off again! Next week on business to St. Paul, and then... yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeahhhhhh! A stamp in my passport! Finally! It's only taken 50 years to get one. Jeepers Molly. That's a long time.

After the week of work, I leisurely enjoy poking around St. Paul for a couple of days, and then fly to Reykjavik (I'm finally learning how to spell it) for 3 nights. Then hop the North Sea to Glasgow for another 3 nights and then back to Mpls & Milwaukee for 2 (jet lag adjustment) before back to work on the 11th.

Right now I'm fretting over luggage. Do I have to pack my winter jacket? (Yes, dopey. It's 50 over there.) Do I need more than one pair of dress shoes? Can they be my cordovan penny loafers so that I can wear them with jeans? Do they even do that anymore? ;) Why can't I check 3 bags?!?!?!? Arghh. I may have to ship a box of dirty clothes back to New England to make room for all the souvenirs I need to bring home. Christmas gifts are from Europe this year, I guess!

The cab comes in the morning. Woo hoo!

Deja Vu a generation apart

I feel like draggin' out the ol' banjo and gettin' everybody in a whompin' big circle and gettin' all y'all to singin' "Will The Circle Be Unbroken (by and by Lord by and by)", since it seems like a circle got closed this week.

With Janey (or whatever it is I call her in this blog. Is that it, Kitten? I forget.) getting her first genuine full-time permanent salaried position (with the 401K and benefits thing, too) this week, it seemed like someone drew a circle through our two points in the universe, along with some other points we now have in common. As of last Monday, she works for the same company I do, in the same department (granted a darned big department - 13,000 people), just in a regional service office in Chicagoland. She's Field, I'm Home Office. Ha. The tension is maintained. You know, "I'm from Home Office and I'm here to help." We are so paternalistic that way toward the Field - it suits our father-daughter relationship! Hee hee.

Anyway, it's been a real kick to email back and forth about what she's learning and who she's meeting and how the work is. I have a spy now in the Field! Someone who'll tell me the unvarnished truth about how it REALLY is. I'll just never be able to quote her as a source! And in turn, she may wind up getting advance copies of memos that the Field won't necessarily see in raw form. Hmmm... This could be mutually beneficial. Just discreet.

Plus, it's been nice to see her upgrade from a Neon that was a total loss to a Passat with leather interior, and from a shared 2 bedroom on Irving Park to a one bedroom (with air and parking) in the suburbs. "We're movin' on up! Toooo the West Side!" Just watch the malls, honey. Go home for lunch, don't go to the food court. :)

So now I have an even better reason to visit Chicago (and environs) than to check on my house. Guess I needed one just about now, since my house... is SOLD!!!! Yay!

The paperwork is going smoothly. The advance of the equity may happen this week. Hope so. Next week... there'e nobody home. Not for 2+ weeks. And that check needs to hit the bank. Hmpf. Maybe it should be electronic. I can live without paper. Especially if it's faster.

SOLD!

(I hope)

I think the ordeal is over. Funny how the timing of this stuff works. The company offers to buy us out of our house at a lowball price, and suddenly we get two offers! Hmmm...

Anyway, they came in a day or so apart, and we countered, then they countered, then they... well, you know how it goes. I think we locked in on one yesterday, though I can't quite be sure. I'm currently 3 time zones away and not quite in the loop...

The really really nice thing about the relo program is this deal called an "equity advance", where the relo company buys you out and you get your equity NOW! And, let me tell you, brothers and sisters - we can surely use it! New hardwood floors, lounge furniture, vacations out of the country... um, yeah.

So hopefully it's done. I have a call in (several calls, actually) to find out for sure for sure for sure.

In the meantime the corporate jet is home away from home. It's a darn sight better than flying commercial. I can carry on my lip gloss, for one thing. ;) Second, Coreen (the flight attendant) goes out during the day and buys me stuff for the next evening. Yeah, what else does she have to do, but she's so considerate! First it was Miller lite, then last night it was a cheeseburger from In & Out Burger. SWEET! Tonight I'm thinking peanut M&Ms... Then, I'd left my Steve Tyrell CD on the plane (she had put it on the stereo system for me) and she brought it to my hotel afterwards thinking I might want to use it to fall asleep to that night. Aww... She needs to work on her gin and tonics, though. Just a little strong. =:O

Lesson learned?

Another one today. Maybe.

Ironically, I was just reading a book on the airplane which contained this quote that I'd never seen before:

"The lessons of life amount not to wisdom but to scar tissue and callus."
- Wallace Stegner

It was timely.

He's right, I think. I don't believe you get wiser via life lessons, necessarily. Maybe I'm just building up callus, you know? ...by making the same mistakes over and over. And after a while that repeated mistake will simply stop hurting as much.

You have to be either pretty stubborn or pretty desperate to repeat the same painful behaviors again and again. I mean, who wants callus, anyway? It's ugly, and in some cases - deforming.

I do know that I have scar tissue from some of life's lessons. Here, see, I'll show you: this one's from when I was in high school and a bunch of us ... woah, never again, man! And this one here - it's from college when this girl ... how could I not have seen that coming? Blind! And, oh yeah, this beauty! Ow. I can feel that one yet. It's from when I found out that, no matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn't ... but, that does NOT define me anymore! No way!

See my point? Yes, I learned some things from life experiences. As they say, I have the scars to prove it. But then there are some scars that mark an experience where I don't think I learned anything at all. The only thing I got was pain and the scar. What did I learn, for example, when they told me I ... and what did I learn when she just ... and what in the world did I learn when I suddenly lost ... I learned nothing! It just hurt.

Perhaps, as time goes along, I'll look back and see something that indeed represents a lesson learned and wisdom gained from the experiences that left those particular scars. As they say, time heals all wounds. Sure. Yeah, eventually you die and that'll take care of it...

But mostly, as Stegner says, you're left with scar tissue or you build up callus. And I don't think experiences or life lessons is where wisdom comes from, either. Wisdom comes from another Source altogether.

So I don't think I learned much today. But I do feel the callus in that particular spot getting a little thicker. It's not as tender as the last time it got poked. So, lesson learned? Maybe. And maybe not. I guess we'll see if the callus keeps growing, or if that spot grows soft again.

I'd rather it be soft... even if it hurts now and then.

Stuffy New Englanders...

not!

At our tag sale today (the local version of a garage/rummage/yard sale, depending on where you're from), the people who stopped were extraordinarily friendly. And talk! Yak, yak, yak... you know, the whole drill, welcome to the area, what brought you here, how do you like it so far, where do you work, oh my wife/husband/child works there, I'll bet the winters will be more to your liking... sheesh. Give it a rest! You broke the stereotype already!

Actually, it was very nice. :) And just like the tag sale we had in June or whenever it was. Boy, are they friendly! They even have a local restaurant chain here (sort of a cross between Denny's restaurant and a Farrell's ice cream parlor) called Friendly's. Yikes!

Not to mention they bought all kinds of broken stuff we never been able to get rid of before. ;) Good for them.

Stepping into the new life

There were a couple of positive steps this weekend toward stepping into the routine of new life here. One was resolving where we will go to church. It was a pretty thorough search, and even though the answer is "the same place we went the last time we lived here", I can embrace that answer because it's still the best fit of anything we've seen. So, past history aside, I'm ok with that and will dive in, helping out wherever there's a need. And, plug into a neighborhood group of some sort, too, to make new friends. That's hard work, and slow, but... needs to be done!

The other positive step was a successful bit of entertaining Sunday afternoon. It was supposed to be a large outdoor cookout on the deck and in the yard, but turned out to be a small dinner inside, because of the rain. 9 people around the dining room table was just right! It got us familiar with our new space vis-a-vis entertaining, and kind of broke the ice. It felt good to do. Seemed a little funny that our first guests would be people who work for me (and spouses), but... I've been here longer, so I know them somewhat. Next, it's the neighbors! Maybe in October...

Might be turning a corner here. Hm. But also talked on the phone with people back home (home is still not "here" for me - it's ... somewhere else.) And that felt nice, too. It was a good weekend.

The Fringe

Where the heck did I hear this? I can't remember now. Somewhere... maybe it started with the reaction of the Democrat leadership to Joe Lieberman, and how they are distancing themselves from him because he's not anti-war enough.

Hm.

Well, anyway, what I heard was this: what unites the fringe elements in society is what they are AGAINST. I think the logic was being applied to one end of the political spectrum, I won't bother to say which, but after further thought I think it applies to fringes of all sorts. Maybe it's even how you can recognize fringe elements...

The political right is against abortion-on-demand, same-sex marriage and so forth. The far right fringe focuses on those things to excess, and the figureheads for their vitriol are Michael Moore, George Soros, Hillary Clinton. They focus on what they're against, not on what they're for. The political left is against the war in Iraq, against an American theocracy (the Bible defining public policy.) The far left fringe focuses on those things to excess, and the figureheads for their vitriol are President Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter. They focus on what they're against, not what they're for.

Who is FOR something? Especially something positive? The political moderates, mostly, who the far right and far left criticize roundly as not having CONVICTIONS. Moderates are those who are in the middle of the bell curve, not those on the fringes, in the "tails" of the curve. Most people are in that range, leaning left or right, yes, but not drastically. Yet, the public debate is dominated by the fringes.

I'm not at all advocating that we adopt the mantra of the timid "oh, can't we all just get along?", not that. I expect people to disagree, but I'd much rather disagree in a discussion of positive ideas as to how to deal with the ills of society instead of polarizing the country by digging in our heels and screaming, whether we are leftist or rightist in our leanings. Lean away, but persuade and convince reasonably, with a positive outcome in mind!

The Nazis were focused on who they were against: the Jews, the Gypsies, the religionists. The radical Islamists are focused on the Israelis, who they are against. The communists and athiests are focused on those with religious conviction. The skinheads and feminists are focused on who they are against, and the pro-lifers, pro-choicers, bible-thumpers, Libertarians, Greenpeace folks and the PETA people are, too. ANYBODY on the fringe of any movement is energized, galvanized, by their common opposition to something. Even what they are FOR is based in large part on what they're against! Really. Any positives are really negatives in disguise. Examples: Gay rights activists are virulently against Bible-thumpers. Watch a Gay Pride parade sometime and see what they mock. Traditional values proponents are virulently against homosexuals. Watch the signs they carry sometime and who "God hates." It's hard to see love motivating either group. Love doesn't motivate the fringe. Hatred does.

Who is FOR something? I'd like to be part of a political or religious movement that binds people together, that seeks common ground we can agree on, that strives for the positive. Is there such a thing?

Stones are being rolled away...

This is really meant to be a diary of MY job search and the aftermath of it, but to some extent my daughter's job search is all wrapped up in it, too. :) The parallels at some points were frankly pretty eerie. We frequently commiserated on how slow followup after job interviews was, the feeling being invalidated or rejected when you were "passed" on, etc... and I found that while I understood the process, and knew from experience how things work, it didn't mean that it hurt any less from my vantage point of age and experience. I just knew it was coming. :) For her it was a surprise.

But, yesterday there was that glorious feeling of being "validated" as a human being and a contributor to society when she got a job offer, and accepted! It's with the same company I work for, but in a field office about 45 minutes from her apartment. Full-time, permanent, benefits, and roughly twice her current earnings. Financial independence is around the corner!

I feel good on several levels, but one of them is that I was able to help her make some connections inside the company that she wouldn't have normally made. She used me as a networking resource! Good for her! And she really got herself the job, I didn't - no arm twisting, string pulling, nothing behind the scenes except a little email followup now and then to keep things moving. She made the sale herself.

Of course it's not a job directly in her field, but then... her current job wasn't either! This one, though, gives her the opportunity to transfer into a job later on that IS in her field, and pays her decent money while she learns the ropes.

And more good news today! The company changed its relocation program and was willing to roll me into the new one, which - drum roll - includes a house buyout! Woohoo! It will be a lowball offer, 95% of the average of two appraisals, but still - it's a safety net we didn't have before. We CAN cash out if we want to. It's like that credit card commercial where the Viking horde is rampaging down the street and is about to rape and pillage, when you whip out your credit card (with no fee) and stop them in their tracks before they can ruin you financially. Take that, Vikings! See my home buyout card? Hahahahaha. Pfui on you. :)

Plus, I think we're getting very close to a church affiliation decision, which is a big deal for creating a network of friends around here. One more week, and I think we're locked in on something there.

It almost seems like 3 big stones that have been blocking the path are getting rolled away, and the way is clearing to move forward. Maybe 30 days hence, we will have 1) house sold, 2) daughter independent, and 3) a support network building.

Wouldn't that be nice? :) ahhhh...

Routine?

I'm looking forward to getting back into a routine again. Seems like every week, every month, there's something unstable or temporary. Whether it's travel or unpacking or contractors or family visits or church hunting, it's still something that keeps us from settling into a routine.

Vacillating back and forth between routine and spontaneity is a pattern for me, and when I have too much of one, I crave the other. So tomorrow night I go to the airport, pick up Deb (I hate these pseudonyms, but...), and then have about two weeks of "normalcy" before I travel again. September & October are busy travel months.

Some travel over the Holidays is "normal", so that should be OK. Maybe then after Halloween there will be some sort of routine to build and set in place for a few months. Then the spontaneity will seem so much more fun!

Not the President, the poet, but it's me, O Lord...

standing in the need of prayer.

Amen to that.

Maya Angelou and I have never gotten along. I'm pretty sure she's blissfully ignorant of it, poor thing. I don't think I've ever told her how disappointed I was when she was named Poet Laureate of these here U-nited States. But, I can see why the name-r, our former President Mr. Clinton, would have liked her work, especially this piece.

But then again... I do too - this piece anyway. I'm becoming pretty sympathetic to those that stand with John Newton, former slave trader, crying out in their own unique verse the equivalent of "Amazing Grace! How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me." From what I can read of Newton's biography, it sounds like he experienced the saving grace of God in 1748, and continued to work the slave trade for another 7 years before health issues drove him ashore and into the pulpit.

Then there's John Donne (1572-1631), profligate, sensualist (and preacher), who's "Hymne to God the Father" cuts to the heart of the sinner's despair before God, but his deep and abiding hope in grace.

So, maybe I should cut both Ms. Angelou and Mr. Clinton some slack. While I don't know her personal moral dilemmas and failings, she stands in the midst of a great tradition of poets & lyricists (of varying levels of skill and popular recognition) with a sense of their own need of mercy and, along with Mr. Clinton, stands in a great tradition of sinners publicly admitting their need for the saving grace of God.

Here's a poem of Angelou's I recently ran across. I get it.



When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say.. "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say.. "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Flame On!

A while back my daughter sent me this quote on poetry.


"Poetry is the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry
is just the ash."
-- Leonard Cohen


I liked it, and composed a short poem in reply:


The body goes to ashes
The outer shell to dust,
The inner life to poetry
As life incendiary must.


I thought about this again today while I was cooking steak on the grill (barbequed with curry sauce... mmmm.) I like the idea of a life incendiary. A life that is burning well, leaving the clean grey ash of poetry behind.

But I don't want my life to fizzle out like a candle sputtering or like a campfire slowly dying or a cigar cooling and going out. I don't want to burn out fitfully. I like the notion of my life being like the propane tank on my grill. It's finite, limited, but capable of either great heat or a low simmer, cooking fast or slow. And, most of the time, you have no idea when it's going to suddenly go empty. You're blissfully cooking along, you hear that characteristic "pop", and all of a sudden... its done. I like that.

The propane tank is productive and useful, doing what it was designed to do, right up until the end. Sure, what you're grilling right this minute may not be done when the fuel runs out, but think of all the good meals it made before! Maybe a few things got burnt, yeah, but... mmmm, remember all the good stuff! And the smells, the entertaining, the comraderie that surrounded those flames on the grill. Yeah.

So, that's what I want. Light me up, turn the dial, let's go! And when I go "pop" - so what? I did what I was supposed to do at the last - I was cookin', baby!

Can you feel the heat?

:)

Back to the Future

On my own this week and next, just me and the dog. I can't let lethargy grip me, though, even on a lazy Sunday morning like this one. To much to do. Up and out! Lawn chores and grocery shopping yesterday, and I rewarded myself with some nice roses, steak on the grill, fresh buttered green beans (and yes, I cooked them myself), some great dip - feta blended with cream cheese and Indian eggplant spread from Trader Joe's - plus a couple of movies "Little Miss Sunshine" and "World Trade Center." I was pretty worn out by the end of the second one. Got 10 hours of sleep though! Wow. It felt great. And the noodle-headed mutt slept in, too. Good boy...

So off to church it was, after my hearty breakfast of a peanut butter, bacon, and muenster cheese sandwich. Mmmm.... This time the church was the one we had gone to when we lived here 5 years ago. I still have scars from the experience, but those were my fault - overly high expectations, mixed with a heavy dose of presumption. I needed to learn a lesson, and did. Still, who wants to go back and visit the woodshed where you got your whuppin's as a boy, even if you know now that you benefitted from it? Talked to the pastor afterwards, and we're having lunch on Wednesday. I think I'll tell him about the "schooling" God gave me the last time I was part of his church. :)

So, I walk in the door with a little trepidation, and who is standing there but the one guy I was closest to as a friend from living there before. I sat with he and his wife. Worship was peaceful and contemplative. And when they sang "Jesus Loves Me, This I Know" slowly and acapella... there wasn't a dry eye in the place, mine especially. There are a lot of people who heard that song on mama's knee like I did, or in nursery at church. It still has an impact on grown-ups.

Hmmm. Then he used this quote in his sermon:

"If you have no faith in the future, then you have no power in the present. If you have no faith in a life beyond this life, then your present life is going to be powerless. But if you believe in the future and are assured of victory, then there should be a dance in your step and a smile on your face." - Max Lucado

I think two years ago I felt like this - without much hope for the future, and therefore pretty powerless. Things have changed since then. The future looks much brighter, and I don't feel powerless, but vital and strong. The future isn't as daunting, and I have more courage.

That reminds me of another quote. Don't know who first said it, but I like it: "Loving someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved deeply by someone gives you courage." And as St. Paul said: "Love never fails."

Distance Management

So here I am sitting at Dunn Bros. Coffee in downtown St. Paul last Thursday morning having a large dark roast (with Splenda and Half&Half) along with Julie, this not-yet-30 y.o. girl whom in May I tried unsuccessfully to recruit to come work for me. We agreed to keep in touch in case the other job she took didn't work out so well. It had been a couple of months, and I was in town, so it seemed like catching up over coffee was in order.

Well, one thing led to another and before I knew it she was asking why this company has such a hard time hiring people in the field offices to do jobs related to Home Office units. "I mean", she says, "don't they know that they can manage people long-distance?"

Um, yeah, I say, that's a hard concept for some people to understand. I go on to explain that I've both done it (managed long-distance) and have been managed that way. So I say "How hard is this to understand, really?" And I ask: "Suppose you were in a long-distance romance. What would you do to make it work across the miles?"

Immediately she had an answer. Apparently she and her now-husband had dated long distance while in college. She said, "oh, it's simple. You'd email, call, write, as often as you could. You'd try to make daily contact somehow, even if it's something little, as if you were really really busy, but still together. Then, you'd plan times each week to talk at more length. You'd carve out the time in your schedules to talk. It doesn't have to be structured while you're on the call, but you commit to a time and keep it if you at all can."

She went on to say "Then, you'd try to see each other every few weeks if you can. Even if it's just a day or a night every 6 weeks or so - you want some face time. Maybe you each have to drive a ways to meet, but you do it because you love each other! And then, just as important, 2 or 3 times a year you plan a trip together, time away, just the two of you, for several days. A long weekend, or a week's vacation. You sacrifice, you make the effort, just because! You are committed to making it work out, and you know you need that time together. You just do it, no matter what. Nothing gets in your way! It's important."

I ask her: "OK, but can this kind of thing be sustained over time?" "Sure!" she says. "People do it all the time. Think of the 2 income professional couples on both coasts, or the military families who are separated for weeks, months, years. They don't give up! They are committed to making it work."

A pause. Silence. She says: "It's like that, isn't it? Without the romance, yes, but it's the same concept. You want to make the situation be the best it can be, given the circumstances, and keep the relationship good, so you put forth the extra effort. You sacrifice in terms of time and travel to make it work, for the sake of both parties. But not everybody wants to sacrifice and put themselves out like that, do they? Not everyone sees preserving something good across the miles as worth the effort - they'd prefer either doing without altogether, or prefer the immediacy of having someone lesser, but close by, to grab when they have a need."

Yes, Julie. Very good. In distance management of any kind, you make it work, because you are committed to a successful relationship with the other person, and that person is valuable to you, even if they are miles away - 100, 500, 1000, 3000. It doesn't matter whether it's a romantic or a family or a work-related relationship. You make sacrifices and work at it; you don't mind the effort because of the reward that follows. You do what you need to do - so that it's successful. Why don't we get that?

Despite my natural introversion, which prefers to shy away from contact, I get it, too. Which is why I was in St. Paul last week visiting work colleagues, and why I'm here this week visiting relatives and friends, alone. I'm trying to make it work. There's relationships that I don't want to lose from neglect. Not to mention the fact that my family circle shrank a bit this last year. I have fewer loved ones left now. So I take vacation, spend some extra money on gas and hotels, and do what's necessary to have even a LITTLE bit of face time with those I love. It's important. I don't always connect with everyone every time, as much as I want, but I hope to do at least some.

Now, I just have to remember the 3 people on my staff who work out of Baltimore. I haven't been there yet. I think I need to schedule a trip... soon.

Fire drills on the road

What a crazy week. In St. Paul for meetings and training, with a full schedule, and then pandemonium breaks out back in Home Office. Critical systems aren't working, and money is missing!

SR. MGMT: "FIND THE PROBLEM!!!"

ME (and several others like me): "I'm on it, sir! Should I cancel my other meetings, sir?"

SR. MGMT: "WHAT?!?! Of course not. Do both! Do everything! Everything is top priority!"

ME, etal: "Certainly, sir! Everything! Immediately, sir!"

ME, etal: "You, Sr. Flunkie, FIND THE PROBLEM! I have important meetings to attend. Keep me informed of your progress."

Sr. Flunkie: "Sir, yes sir! Right away, sir!"

SR. F: "Junior Flunkie! Stop surfing the internet on company time and FIND THE PROBLEM!"

JR. F: "Sir! Oh, I mean, Ma'am, sir! One moment, Ma'am! [hastily puts up 'brb' and 'away' message on AIM] I assure you I was not surfing the 'net, Ma'am, merely communicating something business-related to a co-worker on a non-standard-but-tacitly-approved application widely used in our company for communications. If you please, Ma'am, I believe the problem is THIS, Ma'am!" [explains problem in indecipherable 20-something hipster techie lingo]

SR. F (not wanting to admit lack of hipness, turns the tables): "No, I think YOU are the problem, JR. F! You must tell me why you are NOT the problem!"

JR. F (seeing bluff is called, adopts non-generation-specific approach, namely passes the buck to someone else): "Sir! Or rather Ma'am, Sir! I am not the problem because this other Jr. Flunkie over here is the problem, sir, Ma'am!"

SR. F.: "Of course! That's sensible. Very good, Jr. Flunkie. Dismissed." [Jr. flunkie immediately IM's other flunkies about the newest management fire drill in progress]

Sr. F. to me: "Sir, I have found the problem and it is not me or my flunkies, but these other flunkies over here. They, though excessive use of communications software, are causing an unexpected drain on our critical applications' bandwidth space partition, sir. I'll ask for our partition to be increased, sir."

ME: "Very well. But why wasn't I informed of this before, Sr. F.?"

SR. F.: "Because sir, as you well know, there is never a problem until you say there is one, sir."

ME: "Ah yes, of course. Very good, Sr. Flunkie. You are dismissed."

ME and many others like me simultaneously to Sr. Mgmt.: "Sirs, we have found the problem, and it is a systems error, beyond all of our collective control. It may indeed be an undetected siphoning off of our essential bandwidth, sir, by excessive internal communications applications such as Instant Messaging, which has been rumored to cause cyber-farts in the ether, sir. The systems people should have discovered this during testing, sir, don't you think?"

SR. MGMT.: "Of course, they should have. But, they don't know the business like we do - they are merely programmers. So, in this instance, no heads have to roll. It's just the nature of the world, son. If you saw the BIG PICTURE, like we do in Sr. Mgmt., you wouldn't have gotten this all blown out of proportion the way you did. Really, you can't let routine glitches like cyber-farts cause you to lose focus. It's nothing more than electronic gas, and this too shall pass. :) Go back to your duties now, and let this be a lesson to you."

ME, etal.: "Thank you sir. I deeply appreciate the chance to learn at your feet." Retreats, bowing and scraping.

Ok, so maybe it wasn't exactly like that, but it WAS a bit of a fire drill, getting all kinds of people riled up over a systems problem that SHOULD have been caught in testing. Personally, I think heads SHOULD roll.

But we have way too many unfilled openings as it is. We can't afford for heads to roll. Like the personal ads lament: "Where have all the good men (or women) gone?" What they really mean, of course, is: "where are all the men/women who see past my obvious flaws to my inherent value and desireability, and give me the respect, yea verily, even the admiration I deserve?" Which is pretty much what we want when we go to hire people. I think our company needs more slavishly worshipful grunts to do our bidding. Where have they all gone?

Bushes, bushes everywhere!

Took out the hedge trimmer this morning at 10, the 50' extention cord, a towel, 2 cans of soda and 4 advil. I was ready to trim the bushes! :) Now it's noon, I'm done, it's 84 degrees already, the towel and all articles of clothing are soaked, the soda is gone and I want 4 more advil before I step into the shower.

These things must have gone at least 4 years without trimming. Various spruces, cedars, some azaleas (almost like hedges), and holly! They all smell so good when trimming them. I think this is going to be a multi-year project to get them matched and balanced. But now I can get to the water meter, the outdoor faucets and outlets! They were REALLY overgrown.

What a busy week this week! Many, many "conversations" with nervous employees waiting to see where they'll be placed. Writing up and vetting my organizational announcement, trying to nail down the occupant of my last senior opening left to fill, keeping my bosses informed and communicating with each other, getting project inventories from all my staff, and the usual meetings meetings meetings... whew! I'm glad I'll be on the road for a while starting Tuesday. I need a break! :)

Heading for St. Paul for a few days on business, and then a few days of vacation, seeing some elusive rarely-sighted migrating family members, and maybe a friend or two, etc., after that. Back on the 10th, for two weeks alone with the dog, as Deb goes to see family and friends from the 9th until the 23rd. We actually pass each other in the airport. :) It's strange. But with no kids, it can work to function a little more independently like this. But I'll have to mow the grass! Yuk. Maybe it will be really dry and it will all turn brown and stop growing. Oh, but then I have to water it... oh well. Guess I have to do some lawn work. I suppose it will keep me off the streets...

The job-hunting saga continues for Jenny. An interview in Naperville on Tuesday with the company I work for! An entry-level claims adjuster position, which could allow a transfer in 2 years or so to the fine arts claim unit where she really wants to work. Plus, there's openings here in New England now in a regional claim office of ours, and her resume' is circulating there. Wouldn't that be strange? And, no, don't even think about it... she'd get an apartment. :)

Jonny will finally get his butt hauled into the eye doctor and the DMV while Deb is back home. Honestly, he's 19. What's so hard about calling Sears Optical, or standing in line for a license renewal? I hope he finds a wife who can manage his life for him. Sometimes he seems so helpless. Maybe that's why girls are so attracted to him. He's like a puppy they can care for and he's soooo cute!

There, I think the perspiration has finally stopped and I can go shower. Then, off for a drive in the car with the newly recharged a/c. Mmmm... cool, man!

Now THAT'S worship!

Went here on Sunday, me for the third time:

http://www.firstcathedral.org/

Wow! I could get real comfortable here. The place is enormous, but so doggone friendly. I don't know if they would have someone like us over to the house for a meal (kind of like the Bernie Mac remake of "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner"), but I sure felt welcome in the service. And the songs are so good and the enthusiasm of the congregation and worship leader and choir so contagious...

Communion is weird with the little "creamer" cups they use - a wafer sealed in plastic, sitting on top of a serving of wine, also sealed in plastic. Like those little flavored half & half cups you get at the gas station. That kind of container. Very modern but... weird. But afterwards when they sing "The Blood Shall Never Lose Its Power" with that slow swing shuffle beat... you forget about the container.

And the pastor - whooeee! You are defiinitely not bored when he preaches... If it wasn't for the prosperity theology that underpins much of the church's philosophy... oh well. And like most predominantly black churches, they are very politically wired in. Sharing the platform on Sunday were Rep. Maxine Waters, D-Calif., and the guy she was stumping for, Ned Lamont, the Democratic challenger to Joltin' Joe Lieberman's Senate bid. Not exactly conservatives. What they "preach" on the campaign circuit is not exactly what you hear from the pulpit in this church. I wonder if they allow the opposition to stump, too. At least they waited until the service was over and people could stay or go as they wished. Maybe I'll go back next week and see if Joe is there! :) Go Joe Go!

Switching gears, I had my first staff meeting last week. With real staff, yet! :) Things are finally looking up in that department. Should be able to put out an announcement next week and then... get some real work done!

Now if it would just cool off and stop raining...

Oh, and - did I mention we have a house to sell? We got another offer yesterday, anyway. Lower than the previous one we had gotten. Arghh... they're going backwards!!!

The Priesthood?

Visited another new church this week: a congregational church that left the UCC a few years ago and affiliated last year with the Evangelical Free Church, an old familiar favorite denomination. They had to ask for the liberty to NOT agree to point 11 of the EFCA doctrinal statement (regarding the pretribulational return of Christ), but hey - who doesn't disagree with that? ;)

Anyway, one of the ushers took pains to spend time talking with us before and after, and I instantly liked him. He reminded me of a dear friend where we used to live (Mark M) but 15 years older. Same outgoing, warm, engaging and caring personality - just ... old! Old but full of vitality. My kind of "old" guy... ;) Old on the outside only!

But HOT? Oh my. No A/C in this building either. It's an old building from the 1850's and there's just no way...

Ha! I asked about church planting, do they do that kind of thing, plant new churches? And he said "well sure! We ourselves were a church plant - about 150 years ago." Apparently their "mother" church was formed across the river in 1630. Guess the gestation period here is pretty long for birthing new churches, but - at least they did it once. So now this 150 year old church is birthing a new one down on the coast in a poor community with lots of opportunity for service work. Maybe their biological clock was ticking...

The sermon on this brutally hot day was from 2 Peter, on the subject of the priesthood of all believers. For once, when I read the passage, it struck me that the priestly role the church has is essentially and subtantively ministry to God, service to Him, not primarily to the rest of the world, either in evangelism or social action. Those things are commanded of us, yes, but still ancillary to our primary purpose of offering ourselves in service to God in whatever role He guides us to. It's not unlike the Old Testament priesthood, where many priests were given duties in worship/music, or temple care, or people care, or scripture care (scribes), but all were separated out for service, and some were appointed to serve constantly in the temple making offerings before God, which was the highest call to service there was. Service to people's needs or witness to the nations never superceded that - it attended it, accompanied it, but never came before it. The same in the New Testament in Acts when the deacons were called to serve the people so the Apostles could attend to prayer and the Word. Service to the world was ancillary and an extention of the primary call of service to God.

Hm. I got it, I think. Even though the pastor was on vacation and it was an elder who preached. He fell victim to the same temptation every elder does who gets to substitute for the pastor. He stuffed 10 pounds of sausage into a 5 pound casing. 40 minutes of sermon instead of 20. I was getting faint toward the end and had to go out to the car and sit in the air conditioning for 10 minutes. When I got back he was still preaching...

Guess I've done the same thing myself especially years ago when I first preached. I've learned since then to write it, time it, cut it, time it, cut it, and then read it verbatim (with great feeling, of course) to keep within people's absorbatory limits. Is that a word? Absorbatory? Hm. It is now.