Down to two options

neither of which keeps us in the new house. :(

After some serious discussion, some financial modeling, and many mutual tears... we agree we have to sell the new house. We call the realtor upon our return. Either we are moving to a new community to "follow the money" in the same career path and the corresponding lifestyle and goals (path A), or..

we are emptying every asset category, to zero out all debt (and savings) and start again, as if we were going on the mission field or something that drastic, in order to send me to grad school full time (path B) and change careers (to something that will eventually pay 1/4 as much but may be more rewarding in other ways.)

Either way... we sell the house and repack.

All avenues in between those two extremes have been reviewed, judged, and found wanting. What we don't know yet is... which one of these "extremes" do we choose? Which path do we go down?

In the meantime, we put the house on the market, we apply for financial aid, convert the 401K to something we can raid if needed, and keep applying for work in our respective fields/markets. And... we pray. Maybe in 4-6 weeks, we'll know a direction again. Of course, there was a time not too many weeks ago where we thought we knew exactly what that was...

Plain Speech

Okay, time to stop being cryptic. Close friends and family all know.

Last week, I found myself out in the job market again, almost 2 years to the day from the last time.

Except this go around, there is no severance to last me through months of searching for work. I've worked for this last company (ha - what if it were indeed to be my last company?) for less than 18 months, so.. no 17 years of vested experience to fall back on.

No grudges, no anger. No point to it. Wasted energy. Move forward.

So, I guess the blog title doesn't need to change, does it? :-/
Here we go again..

The issues are:

a great new house for us, still partly in boxes (although both cars fit in the garage as of tonight!)
lovely neighborhood and quality of life here
nearby grad school and a desire for a career change
college loans for kids (and 3 more years of new costs for J2)
mortgage and home improvement project payments due
loss of health insurance benefits (in ... 3 more days)
no income. Period. As of right now.
thin job market for my profession in this town (read: move again?)

Each time I've been out of a job, I've found another within a few months, usually less. And each time (3 of them) that we've been flat broke, we've recovered. But it's different at this time of life than it was at 19, and at 29.

Do we raid our retirement funds to stay afloat? Do we make the career change planned for 5 years from now... now? What value do we attach to the various options in front of us? What do you do when your values have changed but your skills haven't? How do we pick a direction? How do I work up the desire to interview again when the disillusionment with corporate america weighs so heavily on me?

What to do now?

What to do?

What?

Where?

When?

Skip the why. We only know that in hindsight anyway.

I feel tired and empty.

Where is comfort? Where is courage?

A long, long way from here..

What joy awaits?

Even Jesus in the garden asked God (three times!) if there was a way to avoid what was coming.. He didn't want to face it. Sure, His burden was so much larger than mine, but then again - He was so much more than me, too.

So, should I feel like a coward for not wanting for face what I must? He didn't want to sacrifice of Himself for someone else and pay the price He would pay to benefit them - neither do I. But He did - and so will I, somehow.

But when Paul says that "for the joy set before him [Jesus] endured the cross"...

... what is the joy set before me? Maybe if I knew what joy awaited me, after I do what I must, I could find some hope and courage to face this. I haven't seen it yet. All I see is sacrifice ahead - not joy.

God sent an angel to comfort and strengthen Jesus in the garden.. where's mine?

Trying to find one of these somewhere...

okay, so maybe there was a little PhotoShop enhancing going on here, but still...

I could use one of these. A big one, full circle, echo, backlit, the whole enchilada, baby.



You Who gave orders to the morning, Who showed the dawn its place, You Who are Father to the dew and the rain, Mother to the frost and the ice... do you have a sign for me?

Where must I go? What must I do now?

3000 years

and feelings like these are still fresh..


LORD, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

I am overwhelmed with troubles
and my life draws near to death.

I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.

I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.

Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.

You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.



----- Psalm 88:1-9a

Time off (final edit)

The last few days have been full of disappointment and loss for me, on many levels. I've been rejected, rebuffed, pushed to the side - again. I'm discouraged, angry and hurt; I'm tired of being a complication, a problem to be compartmentalized and treated as expendable.

Now, all that may be how I'm feeling right now, but ... what am I actually going to *do*?

Maybe I can't act on these feelings; maybe I actually have to act contrary to them. What I'm *not* going to do is go curl up in a ball and die, although it often feels like that would be the best thing for everyone concerned - for them to be free of this "complication" once and for all, this source of difficulty and turmoil.

But, no. That isn't noble, that isn't honorable. And it doesn't matter whether we're talking about organizations or individuals, either one, if they still want you around despite how complicated you make things for them (even just by being yourself; how do you stop being: you?), if they are willing to opt for what's inconvenient because it means they get to have you, then *they* are the ones who really want you. They are the ones who would truly grieve your not being around, because having things simpler can't compare to having... you.

So - for their sake, not for mine - I keep going. I don't end it, I don't run away. But I don't dig in and fight against the change, either - instead I yield, I back off, I step away, I take the rebuff, I accept my place. I do what I should do, I do what's best for them, regardless of how much I hurt. After all, how do you ever truly demonstrate real care for others... except at your own expense? So, even though it's not what I want, and it's not the easy thing for me - I will do my best to do what the people I love and those around me most need me to do.

But I have to say this: when I got back last night, after carrying all this for several days and dreading having to explain things, I was met at the door by (and there's no other way to say it) the grace of God, personified. D *was* grace in action. And it will cost her to love.

For you faithful readers... this blog writer will be taking a few days off to collect his thoughts, until the end of the month, perhaps. There are a lot of thoughts to collect, and right now they are running around loose and pretty darned directionless.

Life in the Lounge

... is back!



Finally today, we got it to the point of arranging, hanging, decorating, connecting (as in the stereo and speakers).




So, Frank Sinatra, Blossom Dearie, Michael Buble and Diana Krall again share a space with, orange candles, retro furniture, Marc Chagall and... me. ;)





Next week... the finishing touches. :) Life is good in the lounge.
Again.

Getting there!

The place seems more like ours every day.








The flooring guys are all done and the main level is all settled.









Next, the living room, and that will complete the upstairs.









Last on the agenda... lounge and office. But, hey - the rest looks so good, I can wait! :)

Living a metaphor

In church today, the preacher gave Ephesians 6:1-4 a real workout, as a runup to Father's day, I suppose.

But he has an interesting take on it. He says this:

Marriage exists primarily for one reason. To illustrate for the world just how Christ loves the Church. Forget the idea in Genesis that "it's not good for man to be alone", because we know that singleness is not condemned by God, rather encouraged in the New Testament as a means to greater devotion and service to the Kingdom of God. Marriage is not a mandate.

But IF you marry, acting out the parable of Christ and the Church IS a mandate. In other words, any girl who embraces Christianity should NOT marry unless she is explicitly desirous of modeling with her husband how the Church responds to the love and leadership of Christ. And no believing boy should marry a girl unless he specifically wants to model for the world the love of Christ toward her, sacrificing himself for her good.

Now I have to ask you, gentle reader: who, at the tender age of 18 or even 26, thinks like this? Is that why kids marry? To be a living parable, first and foremost to be a lifelong witness to Christ in their actions toward each other? If you know any young couple who married explicitly for that reason above all others... I'd love to meet them.

Then, he went on to make the second point, just as astounding:

Childrearing exists primarily for one reason. To make and grow new disciples of Christ, new worshippers of God. Forget the idea in Genesis that Adam and Eve were to "be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth", because we know that childlessness is not condemned by God, but rather encouraged in the New Testament as one way to have fewer earthly concerns and have more availability to serve God and His Kingdom. Making babies is not a mandate.

But, IF we make (or adopt) babies, raising them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, training them up to follow God, IS a mandate. So, no young couple (or single person) should even consider having children unless they are desiring first and foremost to raise new young disciples of Christ, new followers of Him.

And who, dear reader, thinks this way? What young couple thinks: "Gee honey, don't you think the Kingdom of God could use a few more members? How about if we go get busy and make a half-dozen or so ourselves? You know of course that we will be the way our little anklebiters learn about God well before they can know Him directly. But we are ready to represent God to them, right?"

I mean, who wants to make decisions like getting married and having children so that you can live out a metaphor, however noble?

But that's what the man said today, and I can see where he gets it. Just seems awfully radical to me. Not to mention a lot for people under 30 to grasp, much less live out. Heck, even when you're way older than that you still make decisions based on self-interest, and rarely on pure altruism. Who is he kidding?

At least the hymns today were routine, without challenge or depth.

Ha.

Take a look at the lyrics to these if you dare to try to comprehend and then live them:

O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus
How Deep the Father's Love for Us
Be Thou My Vision

Worship music was all over the map today, with Spanish songs from Mexico, to songs in Maninka from Africa, to traditional Welsh melodies, to 8th century Irish hymns. And yeah, one or two from LA and Nashville, too. :)

Whew.. I feel like I've had a workout without leaving my chair..

It's in!

My car, that is... in the garage where it belongs. Earlier than usual. :)

After a hard day's work of schlepping boxes, there is space for one vehicle. This is always a milestone in any move of mine. For some crazy reason, getting my computer and tunes working is the first milestone, and the second is getting my car in the garage.

The third, which takes waaaaay more time, is being able to navigate the house in the dark and not hurt myself or make any sound. Then I know I could kill the burglar. That's important stuff.

Goal Weight!!

Woohoo! :)

Well, okay, it's the revised goal weight - the one my doctor told me I should shoot for. But, still...

The scale made its way out of a box yesterday, and D checked it against what it said for her before she packed it - same thing. So, it's working. But then I stepped on and.. you must be kidding! So, I do it in real doctor's office style, fully clothed with shoes, and stuff in my pockets, and - wow. On the nose. :)

It's been, oh.. 24 years since I could say that I was at goal weight. Granted, goal weight then was 40 pounds lower.. but hey! I was scrawny, what can I say? And further proof was another hole on the belt - in the right direction. I'm only two pant sizes away from J2 now. He told me last weekend that I was making him nervous. Good. :)

RRRRRRR.... I feel great.

ISO Balance

In the midst of all the turmoil in the house, from boxes to furniture askew to unfinished contracting projects to no place to sit to more boxes, I realized this morning (after D said "you seem a little blue") that my moods have been more stable of late. Her comment got me thinking that, gee, with all the stress that comes with being unsettled, I'm doing remarkably well. :)

The doctor told me at my last appointment that if we could get both the thyroid and testosterone levels in the right range, my reactions to stress may be better, and the swings between the extremes of joy and despair may get milder, as might the body heat I give off. I think... she's right. I've been faithfully taking the proper dosages (not tinkering, as has been my wont), and darned if it isn't better! :)

Hm. If "you seem a little blue" and a stray tear or two is all there is... I can live with that.