Time off (final edit)

The last few days have been full of disappointment and loss for me, on many levels. I've been rejected, rebuffed, pushed to the side - again. I'm discouraged, angry and hurt; I'm tired of being a complication, a problem to be compartmentalized and treated as expendable.

Now, all that may be how I'm feeling right now, but ... what am I actually going to *do*?

Maybe I can't act on these feelings; maybe I actually have to act contrary to them. What I'm *not* going to do is go curl up in a ball and die, although it often feels like that would be the best thing for everyone concerned - for them to be free of this "complication" once and for all, this source of difficulty and turmoil.

But, no. That isn't noble, that isn't honorable. And it doesn't matter whether we're talking about organizations or individuals, either one, if they still want you around despite how complicated you make things for them (even just by being yourself; how do you stop being: you?), if they are willing to opt for what's inconvenient because it means they get to have you, then *they* are the ones who really want you. They are the ones who would truly grieve your not being around, because having things simpler can't compare to having... you.

So - for their sake, not for mine - I keep going. I don't end it, I don't run away. But I don't dig in and fight against the change, either - instead I yield, I back off, I step away, I take the rebuff, I accept my place. I do what I should do, I do what's best for them, regardless of how much I hurt. After all, how do you ever truly demonstrate real care for others... except at your own expense? So, even though it's not what I want, and it's not the easy thing for me - I will do my best to do what the people I love and those around me most need me to do.

But I have to say this: when I got back last night, after carrying all this for several days and dreading having to explain things, I was met at the door by (and there's no other way to say it) the grace of God, personified. D *was* grace in action. And it will cost her to love.

For you faithful readers... this blog writer will be taking a few days off to collect his thoughts, until the end of the month, perhaps. There are a lot of thoughts to collect, and right now they are running around loose and pretty darned directionless.