Okay, time to stop being cryptic. Close friends and family all know.
Last week, I found myself out in the job market again, almost 2 years to the day from the last time.
Except this go around, there is no severance to last me through months of searching for work. I've worked for this last company (ha - what if it were indeed to be my last company?) for less than 18 months, so.. no 17 years of vested experience to fall back on.
No grudges, no anger. No point to it. Wasted energy. Move forward.
So, I guess the blog title doesn't need to change, does it? :-/
Here we go again..
The issues are:
a great new house for us, still partly in boxes (although both cars fit in the garage as of tonight!)
lovely neighborhood and quality of life here
nearby grad school and a desire for a career change
college loans for kids (and 3 more years of new costs for J2)
mortgage and home improvement project payments due
loss of health insurance benefits (in ... 3 more days)
no income. Period. As of right now.
thin job market for my profession in this town (read: move again?)
Each time I've been out of a job, I've found another within a few months, usually less. And each time (3 of them) that we've been flat broke, we've recovered. But it's different at this time of life than it was at 19, and at 29.
Do we raid our retirement funds to stay afloat? Do we make the career change planned for 5 years from now... now? What value do we attach to the various options in front of us? What do you do when your values have changed but your skills haven't? How do we pick a direction? How do I work up the desire to interview again when the disillusionment with corporate america weighs so heavily on me?
What to do now?
What to do?
What?
Where?
When?
Skip the why. We only know that in hindsight anyway.
I feel tired and empty.
Where is comfort? Where is courage?
A long, long way from here..
3 comments:
Bob, Bob, Bob... for, what, a year now? we have listened to you lament the lack of spiritual satisfaction and purpose you felt working in your 'chosen' profession. Did you think God wasn't listening?
And now you have the opportunity to start again - to be something that answers a higher calling - an opportunity that most people are too afraid to take once they have this much invested in their careers. But you have seen that it is empty and meaningless when weighed against what is in your soul. Why do you balk when freedom has been handed to you in the best possible way?
You didn't take the opportunity before when it presented itself - although I recall you writing about staying in a great Midwestern city to be close to family and friends even if it meant a career change. Instead you moved across the country and you were miserable from the moment you got there. Did you think God didn't cry for you to see you rejected the calling of your heart one more time? And think of what else it almost cost you.
You cried out to God and he answered you - Here, Bob, now I have taken everything that would possibly keep you from doing this YET AGAIN. Now do what you were meant to do!
If I were you, I would thank God that you still have a house that you could theoretically sell, kids who are smart enough to find a way to pay for college themselves, a retirement fund that can be raided, and the removal of all illusions that this profession is something you are meant to stay in. I would also think seriously before I ignored this opportunity to continue down the path that caused you such disillusionment. Who knows what God might do the next time he hears you crying about lacking spiritual fulfillment?
There - was that enough of a kick in the *$$ to get you moving in the right direction? :) God will not fail to provide for you, but do not tell Him what form his provisions should take.
Me? Lament? Do I really?
...
Alright, alright, you can all stop laughing now - I hear you. Cut that out!
Hey, if I can't fuss and whine on my own blog, what's all this technology good for?
It does help me (or I think it does) to get some of these emotions out where I can see them, in cold print. But I can see where for you all, it gets a little old. Thanks for hanging in there and continuing to read ... and care.
So, I'm scared, okay? Pulled in different directions - safety vs fulfillment?
And sometimes, like Jeremiah, I do feel like I've been lowered into a mud pit and hung there until I agree to yell "I'm sorry! I won't speak against the system anymore! Let me out!"
As I recall he was a prisoner the rest of his life.. but unrepentant about saying it as he saw it.
And some of you see this as God freeing me up. I have to see it that way, too. Maybe in a few weeks..
Bob, you know, at some level, this life is not about safety. IF you feel you have something else to offer this world and/or your God (and clearly you do or you wouldn't have talked about it), then to chase safety now would only lead to a greater battle inside yourself.
When you told your boss that you were not cut out for the job you had, (I'm sure I speak for almost all of us when I say this) we grimaced and said 'Oooh! Ouch!'. The fact that you didn't see it for the spirit-rebelling act it was says that you did not understand how deeply you really were trying to break free.
I understand that you are scared. And I understand the lure of safety. But you KNOW, at some level, that you do not want to do THIS anymore. And perhaps God does not want you to do this now that you are free of dependents. Maybe he has a bigger plan for you - who knows. Maybe this isn't even as much about you as it is a chance for the rest of your family to shine and gain new experiences by having to accept new challenges.
By all means be scared, but never think for a moment that you would have been given this challenge/opportunity if you were not also equipped to handle it and learn the lessons it has to teach you.
Alright, enough from this little soapbox. You are free, Bob, and I swear, if you go back to the cage, I will probably have to quit reading this blog. Do something to make God proud!
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