passing

.


difficult decade
trouble sweetened with delight
emerging stronger


.

Reading, reading...

Now that the Christmas guests have gone and all is calm, it's back to my inter-quarter recreational reading list. Grisham's Last Juror was first, before company came. Yesterday I just finished E's Things the Grandchildren Should Know, and began Kerouac's Big Sur. In between I am slowly working through Bonaventure's The Soul's Journey Into God. That can't be rushed (even if it is due back Sunday!)

In case there's time left over before Winter Quarter starts, I still have a couple of Grisham novels on loan from G&G's cabin library. No rush to return those - they're off to Florida for the rest of the winter! Those books will keep until Spring Break. :)

While it lasts

The foot of snow earlier this week later turned to slush and then it all froze, hard. But during a roughly 6 hour window when there was good packing snow, J1 took advantage and landscaped the front yard. Installation art, I believe it's called. :)



She swears it's a dog, but I think the thing the snow man has on a leash is a polar bear cub, about the size of one of those brown bear footstools at Caribou Coffee.

Hm. That gives me an idea. :)

Giving Back

...at this season of "getting".

So much of our focus is on what we want for Christmas, and not on what others need, much less how we can meet that need. This year, I even heard one of our family members (just who, I can't recall) make a Freudian slip and refer to what I "ordered" for Christmas instead of what I "asked for" for Christmas. The context was clearly one of something hoped for, but what came out was something ordered. :)

It was both funny and telling - an indication of what Christmas has become in our culture.

So it was good on Boxing Day to go with all the relatives to Feed My Starving Children and pack food boxes for malnourished youth in places like Haiti. Not to mention that it's hard to take oneself too seriously when one is wearing a hairnet. :)

cover

.


come let us reason
though your sins are as scarlet
they'll be white as snow


.





Whenever I see a snowfall like today's, I understand this reference from Isaiah 1:18 very well. Fresh snow covers many things, and not just lights and garland. It covers dead leaves, discarded ashes, animal droppings, brown slush, yellow snow - impurities that insult the eye. There are two kinds of beauty in a snowfall - what it displays... and what it hides. :)

Forgiveness of sins is like that - it both enhances and covers. Christmas reminds us of that dual gift of beauty: what God's Incarnate Grace showed forth... and what It covered over.

Merry Christmas!

Decorations

Enough of the posts on pollution. It's Christmas! :)

And the Loring Pasta Bar Tuesday night was festive looking.



And festive sounding, with live music.



They even had the disco ball going. In the men's bathroom!

This is the view directly upwards from the urinal. (don't ask)



I love the bathrooms in this place. So quirky.



Like the rest of the place. :) That's its ambience. Great food, too.



So now we are all battened down and waiting for both the blizzard and the guests to arrive, the first of which guests (besides J1 who got here last week) will be J2 tonight - if his plane from Chicago gets off the tarmac where it currently sits..

Then tomorrow morning the North Carolina bunch comes in. Theoretically. We'll see if the airport is open. In the afternoon a group from Wisconsin arrive. Maybe. They're followed soon by G&G. Ideally. And finally one last brother-in-law trickles in from Utah Friday morning. We hope.

I have a feeling that my snowthrower and I will become best of friends over the next 72 hours. It better work! I need space for 3 cars, plus two in the garage! Yikes!

But for now, it's the last peaceful hours by the tree before the blizzard (and the family) arrive. Not sure which I'm more nervous about! Hmm... in the meantime, pass the um... eggnog.

Efficient Polluters, Part 3: Transportation

"With most men, unbelief in one thing springs

from blind belief in another."

-- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

(And yes, I suppose this holds for women, too.)

Seems to me that when it comes to the issue of climate change, the above statement holds, whichever side you're on in the global warming debate. A flat refusal to believe that the other side may have a legitimate position, seems to stem from an ideological certainty that one's cause is just, simply because one has chosen it: "my cause, right or wrong." Being an iNtuitive Thinker myself, according to Myers-Briggs, I get how that works. ;)

But ideology aside, let's move on to the data. While still on our subject of how some countries pollute more "efficiently" than others (with less CO2 produced per unit of GDP), I wondered how transportation patterns affect this. Is there a correlation between the means of transportation used by a country and the economic cost of the CO2 that the country produces?

Yep. Sure enough.

It seems that the number of motor vehicles per capita, when above a certain level, does correlate with GDP/CO2 (negatively), and passenger travel by non-motor-vehicle methods does, too (positively). To wit:

The number of motor vehicles (all sorts, incl. private cars, delivery vans, tractor-trailers, taxis, etc.) per capita doesn't seem to matter, really.. UNTIL a country crosses a threshold of about 1 vehicle per every 2 people. That level probably implies a certain degree of prosperity and infrastructure which makes vehicle traffic effective in "driving" the economy. (yes, haha)

But, as the proliferation of vehicles grows, as a country gets closer to one vehicle per person, there is a definite negative effect. See the chart below:



The USA, by the way, is the right-most point on the chart. It seems obvious to me that the proliferation of motor vehicles has a chilling effect on the use of mass transit, and thus a negative correlation with the economic cost of pollution. We can look at the same idea from another angle.

Let's take the volume of passengers (adjusted to the size of the overall population) traveling by rail or air instead of by motor vehicle. The data suggest there is a clear benefit to the use of rail and air travel in terms of effective economic use of polluting activity. Interestingly, air travel had a strong correlation by itself, as did rail by itself, almost equally as strong. However, the slope of the line was steeper for rail (by about 50%) implying 50% more bang-for-the-buck in rail travel. This seems to be a clear candidate for funding when choosing among environmentally-friendly development projects.



A couple of interesting asides:

1) the method of freight hauling didn't seem to be a significant variable in this analysis, other than this: there is a negative correlation with efficiency of pollution when there is an OVER-emphasis on shipping by truck. Rail and air freight didn't see this phenomenon.

2) passenger travel by motor vehicle actually had a nice positive correlation (about as good as rail), but only if it did not exceed a certain level (essentially that of Western Europe & Scandinavia). The USA was a noticeable excessive outlying point, no doubt because of our penchant to drive alone, and long distances at that. Hmm... I wonder if a Vespa counts as a motor vehicle in Europe? :)

3) there is no good transportation data on travel (for freight or passenger) by water. Oh well.

So, summing up this and the last two posts, my simplistic public policy recommendation for the USA is this:

Invest in more electric power generation and better grid infrastructure, with initial emphasis on nuclear (and hydro where possible) as sources, in order to quickly ramp up supply.

Insist upon the same for the "big three" bad-boy countries: India, Russia, China, as well as verifiable emissions testing. Use both carrot and stick if needed.

Invest in both light and high-speed rail for local and regional passenger travel in the continental US. Shift funds away from highway budgets, and raise gas taxes, to do it.

And since no one is going to make us give up our cars in this country, ever... at least convert them to electric, whether by incentive or by law. Just get it done.

Efficient Polluters: what are they doing right?

In the previous post, I talked about distinguishing the "good guy" nations from the "bad guy" nations in terms of who got the best economic result from their polluting activities. Another way to say that is: who produces the least amount of pollution for every $MM of economic production?

Using a stat of GDP/CO2 ($MM of Gross Domestic Product divided by metric tons of CO2 emissions), I got a short list of nations that seemed to be doing things right:

Switzerland
Norway
Sweden
France
Denmark
Ireland
Austria

These were several times better than the global average. And a bunch of other countries belonging to the European Union, while not on this short list, were also looking pretty good. Now, we should ask: WHY? What are they doing right?

So, I tackled the obvious first. Since so much of any economy uses electrical power, I wanted to see how that power was generated. Maybe after that, I'll tackle transportation methods. Anyway, using data from Nationmaster.com on the percentage of energy production by source, I looked for correlations between the GDP/CO2 statistic and the source of energy production. The sources available were:

Fossil Fuel
Nuclear
Hydroelectric
Other (Wind/Solar/Geothermal)

It was interesting to note that correlations were not great for any of the non-fossil fuel sources individually, but when you pair them up, there was a definite correlation. The answer is NOT nuclear. Or wind/solar. Or Hydro. No silver bullets, no magic solutions existed. The real answer appears to be "all of the above". The best correlation was to "NON-fossil-fuel" sources combined. And the answer was very similar for the sum of nuclear and hydro. Wind/solar/geothermal has a positive correlation, but a very small one. It doesn't add much "lift". The real mileage is in a combination of nuclear and hydro.

But...

The benefit doesn't become significant until a country passes about the 70% mark of non-fossil-fuel sources for energy production. It's pretty linear, and nearly flat, prior to that. But once you pass 70%, the benefit goes up exponentially. See the following graph:



For point of reference, the USA has less than 30% of its energy coming from nuclear and hydro combined. That, I think, is what makes us a pretty mediocre "polluter" when it comes to efficiency. And we have a looooong way to go to get into the elite class of countries who "fuel" their economy wisely.

It seems that the best place to put scarce investment resources in the short run, to solve the immediate crisis, is into hydroelectric or nuclear power generation facilities. This should be done with a goal in mind to crank up electrical power as much as possible, make it cheap, and convert to electric vehicles ASAP. Wind and solar may be attractive, but statistically they don't appear to give nearly the lift as do nuclear and hydro power.

The faster we can ramp up nukes and dams to produce it, grid infrastructure to distribute it, and vehicles to use it, the better chance we have of solving the problem. Wind and solar... back burner. The problem with this, of course, is in the developing countries. Nuclear power is interesting to them for other reasons, not all of which are... friendly. :(

But that threshold is already crossed in terms of the biggest "bad boy" countries: Russia, China, India. They all have nuclear weapons. So encouraging them (even economically) to do more nuclear power and hydroelectric power is not a national security issue. No need to wait!

Let's go forward! More dams, more nuke plants, a better grid, more electric cars. That's the ticket.

Efficient polluters should be rewarded, inefficient ones penalized

Yo, Copenhagen delegates: listen up! I got this one covered.

With the climate change conference stalling out this week, I thought I'd give the confused and demoralized world leaders a hand here.

There's a simple, straightforward way to separate the sheep from the goats in terms of polluters. Everyone pollutes; all countries do. But who are the "good guys" whom we should emulate, and who are the "bad guys" whom we should scold?

I figured it out last night with a little help from nationmaster.com, which is advertised as a statistician's dream, and yes, is a pretty cool little website for a guy like me who does this kind of stuff for fun. :)

Okay, we all know that the USA is the biggest polluter in the world (in terms of CO2 emissions), right? Right. But - the USA also has the biggest economy in the world (in terms of GDP), right? Also right.
So, doesn't that let us off the hook? Maybe, maybe not.

To check, let's try to "scale" a country's pollution in terms of the size of the economy that drives it. Let's ratio pollution levels to economic levels, and then see if the USA is a "good guy", or not. To do this, I made up a new stat: GDP ($MM) divided by CO2 (metric tons), or GDP/CO2 for short. The world average happens to be $2,000,000 of Gross Domestic Product per every metric ton of CO2 emissions. That's the whole world we're talking about, now.

But, you say, doesn't the USA dominate the world in terms of economy? Well... no. It's the largest, yes: 27.2% of the world's GDP, to be precise. But in economics, when they teach you about market concentration, it's really not unusual for the largest player in a given market to own about a quarter of it. 27% is hardly monopoly status: it's a big economic world out there!

Well, you ask, if the USA doesn't dominate the world economically, surely it does from a pollution standpoint. Um.. no. It produces 25.2% of the world's CO2 emissions, so pretty close to its share of the world economy. The USA gets a little more "lift" from its pollution than the world in total, but not much. $2.3MM per ton vs. $2.0MM. Yawn. The USA is pretty average as polluters go, in terms of economic activity gained by polluting.

Okay, then, so who are the winners? Which polluting countries get the most economic benefit from their polluting activity? Put another way, who are the most efficient polluters? (if you invert the statistic, make it CO2/GDP, what you get is the tons of pollution per million of GDP, or pollution generated per dollar. Smaller is better - less pollution per dollar is good. Just like larger is better for the GDP/CO2 stat.)

As with any large statistical analysis, there are outliers - data points that are on the fringe with no good explanation for why they're there. The top 5 countries in the world in terms of GDP/CO2 are: Chad, Cameroon, Equatorial Guinea, Congo, and Mali. Go figure. And it's not like third-world countries are all "good guys", either. Some of the worst in the world are: Suriname, Nauru, Guyana, Mongolia and Zimbabwe. And the presence of US troops also doesn't seem to matter: Afghanistan is #6 in the world, and Iraq is #178.

Instead of looking at the fringe, let's look instead at the some of the "deciders", who are sitting on their collective thumbs in Copenhagen. How about a comparison among the G20 countries, the 20 largest economies in the world? Are they all monolithically average? Or are there "good guys" and "bad guys" in the group? Maybe we'll widen the sample some; say the top 50 economies (which account for over 90% of the world's economy. FYI, this includes Hungary, but not Egypt.)
What do we find?

Here are the standouts:

Good Guys

Switzerland
Norway
Sweden
France
Denmark (guess Copenhagen was a good place to meet!)
Ireland
Austria

These countries had GDP/CO2 stats ranging from 2-3.5 TIMES as good as the world average. And while not all making the top seven large economies, most of the European Union is better than average. What's with the Nordics, especially? What are they doing right? That's my next step - phase 2 of the analysis. I'll keep the world posted. :)



Bad Guys
(at least one of which refused to sign the treaty or allow for verification - hm, wonder why?)

Russia
China
India
South Africa
Poland
Saudi Arabia
Czech Republic

These countries had GDP/CO2 stats ranging from less than half to only 30% of the world average. The top three on this list (combined) emit more CO2 than the USA, and have a lot less to show for it. They especially need to get slapped silly. But who's gonna do it? Jane & Joe Average in the USA? Barack and Michelle? Doubt it.

Last time I checked, the worst three on this list all have nuclear weapons, and one even sits on the UN Security Council. So it's pretty hard to tell them what to do. But given their level of pollution, until these countries develop a social conscience, the problem will NOT get solved, whether the USA becomes a better world citizen of not.

It's time to face the obvious. It's important for the USA to be responsible, and be among the best in the world at this (and we're not). But that alone will not do the job for the world at large. The bad boys - Russia, China, India - need to shape up and get serious, show committment and transparency, or the climate fight is lost.

That is, if you actually want to fight that battle. If you do, climate control in the USA is not the answer. Emissions in Russia, China and India are the real problem. If the world can get them (and yes, us too) to look like Scandinavia, then we've got it licked.

Obama's Nobel war speech

All three of my favorite columnists have written this week about Obama's speech in Oslo. This column by David Brooks (NY Times) is right on the money comparing the current president's view of human nature to that of theologian Reinhold Niebuhr's. It's essentially that of St. Paul, who saw a constant struggle between good and evil in the human heart (or in Paul's words, the flesh and the Spirit). They are at war with each other, and whichever one we help usually wins out. I'll leave to the article to explain Brooks' application of all that to Obama's view of war.

The other two columnists I follow regularly are David Broder (Washington Post) and Peggy Noonan (Wall Street Journal). They, like Brooks, understand human nature, as well as have a sense of history. When I read all three of these columns, I get a pretty balanced view of the news of the day. With Peggy on the right and the two Davids on the left, it's well-covered.

festive

.


seasonal décor
holidays past and present
very christmas-y


.

:)

break

.


coursework completed
recreational reading
nothing else will do


.

Pills, penance, and papers

Saturday was a draining day, and a restorative one, from multiple perspectives: the health of my body, the health of my soul, and the health of my grades!

The head cold that had been plaguing me finally released its grip on my head a little bit, enough that I could breathe freely now and then, and even think occasionally. Combining Zicam and two different antihistamines (with the permission of "experts" on the internet), finally checked the sneezing and watery eyes enough that I could function, at least minimally.

So, I bundled up in the morning and headed to St. Rose's for one of their Communal Penance services. They typically have a couple of them near both Christmas and Easter. It had been awhile, and it was time for me to go. The Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession, Absolution & Penance) is sort of like the process of blowing and coughing out the crud in my nose and chest, hearing the doctor say "good, a productive cough there!", plus taking some medicine to help. The soul needs that purgative/restorative regimen from time to time.

Nice picture, huh? ;) I wonder if priests hearing confessions ever feel like they want to go shower afterwards?

There is no corporate absolution anymore, all confessions are individual, but they lined up multiple priests for us to expedite the process, and scattered them around the sanctuary for privacy. You took your turn with whomever was open when you got to the front of the line. I drew a thirty-something bald-as-an-egg black priest with a heavy Caribbean accent - boy, did he have some good insights for me. Just what I needed as help.

The individual confessions are normal, I guess... if such a thing is ever routine. But I do love the imagery in the way they do this corporately at St. Rose. You come in and sit in one section of the pews, with all the other "sinners". We all, including the priests, sing, pray and recite a confession together, then scatter to our individual sessions. As we each finish, though, we all go and sit in a section of the sanctuary completely opposite the first, where all the "forgiven" sit. :) I love that part. And my soul does feel healthier today. There was a freedom in worship this morning that I had missed lately.

After that, it was pound, pound, pound away at the keyboard trying to come up with 3,750 words on my philosophy of evangelism and discipleship - for the final paper of the Fall Quarter, due this week. Argh. This was one of the tougher papers I've ever had to write, mostly because I have no passion connected to the topic. And so it was draining to get through it, but felt so refreshing when I had something that passed muster and I could upload it to the class website.

Done! Done with illness, done with confession of sin, done with schoolwork. All draining... and all restorative, when finally past.

Blizzard!

Well, sort of. It may have caused a state of emergency in Central Wisconsin, but around here it was just a good old winter storm, complete with blowing/drifting and a bitter cold wind behind it.



So, with a driveway to blow out, it was a lousy time for an out-of-nowhere head cold. Sneeze, drip, cough. :(

And with the cold wind bearing down on us, I began to panic about the dog sleeping in his kennel in the uninsulated attached garage. So this week, he got new bedding (thick and warm) for the kennel, and a new jacket (sort of like a barn coat for a horse).



Dog jammies! :)

It's a good brand (Woolrich), has Thinsulate for filling, a leash ring on the top, and a zip pocket on the side (for treats, I suppose. He hasn't learned how to work the zipper with his teeth yet..)

Just 20 bucks - at Target, no less. Who would have thought it? So sleep outside, dogface; my conscience is clear. You're dressed for it.

Sleep therapy

I must be tired. Tired of classwork, maybe.

The weirdest thing happened on Sunday afternoon. I had finished an 8-page paper the night before, and was beginning the final week of Fall Quarter, with one book to read and a 15-page paper to write in the next seven days. So I thought I'd get a head start by trying to read the first third of the book on Sunday afternoon, maybe more if I could manage it.

Since any pro football I might have had an interest in watching was scheduled for evening games that week, I had the afternoon free. So after church, I work out at the gym, cool off, have some soup, then bundle up, grab the book, and head to Caribou Coffee for the duration. Good plan, right?

The place is packed with people, soloing or in small groups, and I find a little table and start reading, waiting for my large Breve' with sugar-free caramel to be brewed, as well as for one of the armchairs to open up. About halfway through the Breve', a lady leaves an armchair, and I scurry over and plop into the faux leather, sinking down in and propping my feet up on one of the little Ottoman Bears that roam the place in search of crumbs from biscotti or scones.

Four chapters and a free refill later, I take off my glasses, set down the book and rub my eyes. They sort of need closing, I think. Just for a little bit, while the refill cup cools off. People were talking, music was playing, chairs were scuffing around. The sounds kind of blurred together, and...

An hour and a half later...

I wake up! Except it's completely dark outside, and ... no one's faces are the same! Aaaaahh! What's up with this?

In my semi-groggy state I thought I had switched dimensions into some alternate universe, where day was night, coffee was served cold, and the people were all shapeshifters!

Seriously, it was freaky. For about a minute. And then I started wondering what the customers and staff must have thought. Did the barristas wonder if they should call 911? Did kids sit at the tables and whisper: "hey, look at the old guy over there sleeping, his mouth hanging open. let's go put a coffee bean in it!"

But thankfully, I apparently didn't snore (mouth and nose weren't dry or sore), and no one looked in my direction. Maybe this happens at Caribou all the time, I don't know. But you wouldn't think so, at a place where they trade in legal stimulants.

And the strangest thing is... I never take naps. Even if I try, I can't.

If this happens again, I'm calling the nursing home to book a room.

Syncopated Mass

In the last post, I loosely referred to concerts as music therapy. Well, I actually knew a guy once who was a music therapist by training and certification. He worked with geriatrics at a nursing facility. Or.. maybe it was kids who were learning disabled. I don't know anymore... it was 25 years ago!

But what I can remember is him playing and singing at church. The music (and the mental picture of the guy himself) stuck with me, though the details of where he worked, and even his name, have not. Such is the staying power of effective music.

On Saturday at Mass, it was my turn to lector again. This time I read a section from the prophet Baruch. "The prophet who?", you ask. Yeah, that's what I thought, too. Baruch is one of the apocryphal books along with Wisdom, Enoch, Maccabees, Judith, etc. They don't often pop up in the lectionary readings, and when they do, I am always at a bit of a loss as to what to do with them. :)

I mean, I have read the Bible (the protestant version) cover-to-cover, and most passages multiple times, some even memorized. But I can't yet say the same about the additional books in the Catholic Bible. When I get a familiar passage to read at Mass, I already have a cadence in my head as to how it should be read, you know? But not with Baruch. How do I best communicate this? Where do the gentle and the powerful inflections go, where do I put the pregnant pauses that cry for resolution?

So, I get there early and stand in the sacristy rehearsing while the acolytes and servers scurry around me, mumbling under my breath and gesturing with my right hand. I'm sure it looked funny. But really, everything that's important to communicate needs at least some rehearsal, even if it's to an imaginary version of your audience in the car en route. ;) It's just tough to read from Baruch while trying to turn left on Hamline off of Snelling across two lanes of traffic...

Well, back to music. There are a couple of composers who compose hymns and responses used in the Mass whom I've come to really like: Marty Haugen & Michael Joncas. They do such interesting things with rhythms and syncopation, and their time signatures are often in 2/2 or 3/4, or.. switching back and forth as needed. :) It's challenging sometimes for a guy who doesn't really read music very well. But once I hear the cantor sing it a couple of times, I'm good.

And yeah, this kind of music is therapy, too. So is reading the Word to the assembly of the faithful. Even if it is from "the prophet who?"

Music Therapy

Okay, so what do all these artists have in common?

Sara Groves,
Gospel Gossip,
Maps Of Norway,
Dragons Power Up!,
Naomi Striemer,
The Bird and the Bee,
Gypsy Mania (2),
Cafe' Accordion Orchestra (2),
Parisota Hot Club,
Saint Paul Chamber Orchestra (3),
Steven Curtis Chapman,
Sherwood,
The Higher,
Houston Calls,
Lifehouse
Matt Nathanson,
Honey Honey,
Pat Donohue,
Suzy Bogguss,
Matt Pond PA,
Carbon/Silicon,
Eels,
The Swell Season,
Death Cab for Cutie,
Rogue Wave,
Ingrid Michaelson,
Greg Laswell,
Iron & Wine,
Andrew Bird,
The New Pornographers,
Bon Iver,
Cloud Cult,
She & Him,
M. Ward,
Zooey Deschanel,
John Pizzarelli (2),
They Might Be Giants,
Moon Maan,
Neko Case,
Bucky Pizzarelli,
Benny Green,
Stereolab,
Monade,
Beastie Boys,
Tenacious D,
Ben Harper,
Calexico,
Bowerbirds,
Harry Connick, Jr.,
Ben Kweller,
The Watson Twins,
Madeleine Peyroux,
Joe Pug,
Squirrel Nut Zippers,
Chris Tomlin,
Israel Houghton,
Mates of State,
Black Kids,
Steve Tyrell,
Keane,
Meiko,
Taking Back Sunday,
Anberlin,
Envy on the Coast,
Christine Rosholt (2),
Karrin Allyson,
Matisyahu,
Dub Trio,
Old 97's,
Fleet Foxes,
Dungen,
U2,
Snow Patrol,
Owl City
Kate Havnevik,
Over the Rhine,
Vienna Teng,
Relient K,
Copeland,
Barcelona,
Minnesota Boys Choir,
The Great Northern Union Chorus (2),
Asleep at the Wheel,
Straight No Chaser,
Ray LaMontagne,
Jane Monheit

Yup, you guessed it: they've had me in their audience in the last 24 months. :) Granted, often 2-4 of them have been on the same stage in the same evening, but still..

Ever since Dr. Shrink-Wrap prescribed going out to concerts as appropriate therapy for me, I have taken this particular directive of his verrry seriously. And, as I head into the new year, I'm sure I still need help; I really do think more therapy is in order. You see, I think I'm close, reeeeally close, and don't want to stop getting well now, right? Isn't this a small price to pay for emotional health?

And the artists... why, they are practically clamoring to help me out with my well-being. Having me in the audience has become almost as popular as guesting on Sesame Street or SNL. Already booked for emotional assistance gigs for me in 2010 are: Low, Ben Gibbard, Jay Farrar, John Mayer, Michael Franti. And more are jumping on my mental health bandwagon every day! I'm just so popular as an audience member... I think it's because they can see my progress right in front of their eyes.

What else could explain it?

dusting

.


nature's pastry chef
powdered sugar on the lawn
sweet winter morning


.

Waters of March

A stick, a stone

It's the end of the road

It's the rest of a stump

It's a little alone.

It's a sliver of glass

It is life, it's the sun

It is night, it is death

It's a trap, it's a gun.

The oak when it blooms,

A fox in the brush

A knot in the wood

The song of a thrush

The wood of the wind

The cliff, a fall

A scratch, a lump

It is nothing at all.

It's the wind blowing free

It's the end of the slope

It's a beam, it's a void

It's a hunch, it's a hope

And the riverbank talks

Of the waters of March;

It's the end of the strain

It's the joy in your heart.

The foot, the ground

The flesh and the bone

The beat of the road

A slingshot stone

A fish, a flash

A silvery glow.

A fight, a bet

The range of a bow.

The bed of the well,

The end of the line,

The dismay in the face.

It's a loss, it's a find.

A spear, a spike

A point, a nail,

A drip, a drop

The end of the tale.

A truckload of bricks

In the soft morning light,

It's the shot of the gun

In the dead of the night.

A mile, a must

A thrust, a bump

It's a girl, it's a rhyme

It's a cold, it's the mumps.

The plan of the house.

The body in bed.

And the car that got stuck.

It's the mud, it's the mud.

A float, a drift

A flight, a wing

A hawk, a quail

The promise of spring

And the riverbank talks

Of the waters of March

It's the joy in your heart

It's the joy in your heart.

A snake, a stick

It is John, it is Joe

It's a thorn in your hand

Or a cut on your toe,

A point, a grain

A bee, a bite

A blink, a buzzard

A sudden stroke of night.

A pin, a needle

A sting, a pain

A snail, a wasp

A riddle, a stain.

A pass in the moutains

A horse and a mule,

In the distance the shelves

Grow three shadows of blue.

And the riverbank talks

Of the waters of March

It's the promise of life

In your heart, in your heart.

A stick, a stone,

The end of the load,

The rest of the stump,

A lonesome road.

A sliver of glass,

A life, the sun,

A night, the death,

The end of the run.

And the riverbank talks

Of the waters of March,

It's the end of all strain,

It's the joy in your heart.

It's the joy in your heart.

It's the joy in your heart.

It's the joy in your heart.

----- as sung by Jane Monheit

(how she manages to remember it all, I can't imagine.)

Ooooh... Jane.

Rrrrr....

What a voice. The girl is pitch-perfect, has great interval control, and such a natural feel for jazz. If there was a modern-day version of Ella.. it's Jane. :) Her version of "Devil and the Deep Blue Sea" was proof: spot on.

Yum. And I don't mean the Dakota's dessert menu.



Curvy, funny and unpretentious, she seemed very approachable and at ease in an intimate club. The only distraction was that her hair seemed to be bothering her - she had her hands in it all night, pulling strays off her face, etc. She had certain other mannerisms that I swear I've seen before. The way she would say something dead serious when you knew she didn't mean it, arch one eyebrow, shrug lightly, then stick out a pouty lower lip in faux hurt if you didn't believe her.
I know that look, but darned if I ... hm.

Talking with her afterwards at the merch table where she was signing CDs (incl. mine), she was self-effacing and pleasant, reluctantly admitting to perfect pitch (I thought so).



The Dakota was its usual ideal venue for small-combo jazz. Jane's band (piano, upright bass, drums) was solid, and played off her well. And because we went to the early show, we even got home at a reasonable hour! Jane's performance was a nice mixture of everything from Christmas music to Portuguese bossa-nova to Hoagy Carmichael. She closed the show with a medley of "Rainbow Connection" and "Over The Rainbow" that was just perfect.

May I repeat: yum. :)

obscurity

.


discreet existence
nothing compelling to know
what impact is there


.

Beating A (Post-Thanksgiving) Retreat

So, Thanksgiving is past, the Christmas playlist is fired up on iTunes, Advent has started at church, and the local community center has its lights on. Where's the snow???




My new "secret recipe" for cranberry sauce went over very well at Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws this year. Not like the Moroccan Carrot soup from two years ago, which I'm still getting razzed about. Hey, it was good! Just different. (Hmpf. Such pedestrians...) So now, finally, I have a hit recipe, and a standing order for something to bring each year. Yay. :)

As usually happens when I'm with the in-laws (or any family, really - whenever there's a lot of them), I get claustrophobic and need to give myself a "time-out". ;) So, Friday morning when everyone scattered to either shop (in two separate parties, males and females), or bake cookies, or see friends... I retreated.



G&G have this piece of wooded land with a cabin on it,




not too far away, that sort of serves as a family vacation spot / retreat center. I headed for that, and spent the bulk of the day chilling, communing with nature,




and reading yet another theology book (almost done with them, too - only one of the 12 that I started with in September is left to read!)

It is so nice there. Maybe next year when I take my annual spiritual retreat... I should put the place to use.



Hm. That is, if all that family will agree to stay away. Doubtful.

thanksgiving

.


all i have today
ultimately was a gift
thus a grateful heart

.

vacation

.


set my own schedule
do what i want when i want
at least till monday


.

Family Influences

Today I just finished up the last assignment for one of my two classes in Seminary this quarter, SP505, Spiritual Formation. Although there are more classes to attend there is no more reading or work to do, so ... rah! Done with one, and I can spend all remaining effort and energy on GC505DE, which has plenty of reading and papers left. :(

But as a reward for working hard even while on vacation... tomorrow is a movie day! I think I'll see Paranormal Activity, Twilight: New Moon, and The Blind Side, at a minimum. Maybe This Is It as well. We'll see how long my butt holds out.

The assignment just completed and sent to my editor (who lives upstairs) was 2500 words on the influences from my background (culture, family, peers, gender, temperament, etc.) that have contributed, positively or negatively, to my formation spiritually. I actually had writer's block for a while. Me! Writer's block! Imagine...

Honestly, this was one of the harder papers I've had to write, in part because so much of my background contributed negatively to my spiritual formation. It wasn't a pretty picture. And yet, somehow, God used people and circumstances to break through it all (or worked through them all) to step in and guide my development, including a lot of it within the last 5-7 years.

Writing the paper was discouraging & encouraging at the same time. Sort of like life.

Self-differentiation

has been the topic du jour in SP505 lately.

Differentiation, along with family systems, seems to be a hot topic in therapy circles right now. My two profs are both therapists, and one is also a pastor. So they talk about what they see in clients, and give examples from their own lives as well.

So what is differentiation of self?

It's the degree to which one is able to balance emotional and intellectual functioning (having clarity about thoughts vs feelings), and balance intimacy and autonomy in relationships (having both togetherness and separateness), while progressing toward, and developing, life goals.

Whew. Put in more concrete terms, if you are self-differentated, you:

> are responsible "to" others, not responsible "for" them.

> can care deeply... in a controlled way.

> value self highly... and can sacrifice self out of compassion.

> can act selflessly for others out of choice... not out of pressure.

> are not easily controlled by others, nor do you seek to control.

> can choose to be open and transparent, without pretense or fear.

> can state a need, ask for help, without shame or bargaining.

> are not easily manipulated, but are easily teachable.

> know your limitations, but are willing to face the pain of growth.

> resist pressure to match others' feelings and emotional tone.

> can graciously hold your position despite social pressure to conform.

> have no need to present a false front, play a part for others.

> are not dependent on others' success/happiness for your well-being.

The other interesting idea related to this is that in a relationship where the two parties are not in that balanced state of differentiation (they are not able to be both authentically intimate and have a healthy independence), there is usually a person who is "over-functioning" and one who is "under-functioning".

One often has a problem being intimate (staying connected), and the other often has a problem being autonomous (allowing for independence), though not always. In some cases, the well-being of one is dependent on the self-image or behavior of the other.

In unbalanced relationships, for the under-functioning (u-f) partner to ever improve (be more successful/independent/responsible), the over-functioning (O-F) partner must stop rescuing/enabling/defining (and being defined by) the other.

The O-F partner must continue to be responsible to the u-f partner, but stop being responsible for the u-f partner's well-being. It's as if the u-f partner's growth is constrained by the O-F one. Only when the O-F partner practices more autonomy and detachment (going through the pain of allowing the u-f partner to take charge of their own well-being), can the u-f partner ever become free to grow stronger.

This same thing could be said about multi-person relationships, like a work team and a struggling co-worker, or an adult child and her anxious parents, or a church group and a needy parishioner. Whichever party is "concerned about" the attitude/situation/success of the other must compassionately "back off" and, while staying connected, allow them to struggle toward wholeness and take ownership of their own well-being.

In this way, both parties grow, including the one who "backs off", who then stops being defined by the success or failure of the other person. Being responsible TO others, but not responsible FOR them, not allowing my own well-being to be defined by the other person's "success" or "failure" - that's differentiation of self.

The profs made clear that the growing in self-differentiation is always painful - for all parties involved. And I can definitely relate to that. From both sides.

John Mayer vs The Fray

Yesterday I finally got a copy of The Fray's new self-titled CD, and played it non-stop. So good.

Today I got the pre-release download version of John Mayer's new CD "Battle Studies", and have played it non-stop since. So good.

Almost made forget about that dental visit today. Almost. The needle and the drill reminded me of why I was there (to replace an old filling that was leaking). And it wasn't too bad, thanks to the nitrous oxide I requested. Even if the insurance plan doesn't cover it, it's still worth the out-of-pocket cost for this child of the early 70s. :P

But back to my story. So why "borrow" one CD (Mayer), and "buy" the other (Fray)? John Mayer was a known commodity to me, The Fray was not. All I knew was one song of theirs, "How To Save A Life". Would the rest be any good? Oh yeah. So now their prior CD is on order at the library, too. :) And I have to say that, fan as I am of John Mayer, getting the Fray's latest for free was the better deal.

But there was an added incentive to buy John Mayer's latest: A presale code for buying tickets to his March 2 show here! Yeah, boy. Mezzanine, center, two on the aisle? Thank you very much.

constraints

.


forcing me to wait
go at the pace set for me
still can't choose my own


.

Racism & Prejudice

...are not synonymous. At least according to my SP505 profs.

Anybody can be prejudiced. And most people are, to some degree. Most of us have preconceived ideas about people based on their appearance or language or associates. Those preconceived ideas are generalized to apply to all members of a class or group... until we actually get to know one of them. :) Then, maybe not so much.

So, prejudice is kind of a universal human failing. But racism is different. It's institutionalized prejudice imposed on you from the outside by those in power, and designed to create or perpetuate an economic or political advantage over you. Or so the profs said.

Examples might be the fleecing of Jews' wealth by the Nazi Government, or the confiscation of Native American lands by the US Government. Key to racism is the forced definition of race by law or regulation or court action. Examples might be the past denial by the US Supreme Court of citizenship and property rights to Hindu and Japanese men because they were not "white" enough. Or the past requirement for people in Germany to wear yellow Stars of David based on the degree of Jewish blood in their ancestry.

One of my profs (a white male) went so far as to say that he was a racist simply because he is a beneficiary of the historic economic inequity that still persists between white and non-whites, even decades after the Fair Housing Act removed racial language from the lending policies of the Federal Housing Administration (which led directly to the development of white suburbia post-WWII, and indirectly to "white flight" from the inner cities).

Really?

So if you benefit from the lingering impacts of past racist public policy... you are also a racist?

I asked if that meant that my Asian-born children are also racist? After all, though they were born overseas and are ethnically not "white", they grew up with all the advantages that accrued to me as a "white" male in the USA. So, are my Asian kids "racist"?

His response? "Well.. that's up to you to decide."

Nice cop-out, professor. Gee, I thought you had just defined racism for me. Ooops. I think you just revealed your own "institutionalized" guilt feelings...

On the way back to the parking lot after class, I mentioned to a classmate (who emigrated from South Korea at 17) that I didn't feel guilty. But I do feel fortunate.

Very.

Empty

She lifts her skirt up to her knees,

walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.

I never learned to count my blessings,

I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.

I walk on down the hill,

through grass, grown tall and brown

and still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain.

On past the busted back of that old and rusted Cadillac

that sinks into this field, collecting rain.

Will I always feel this way?

So empty, so estranged.

And of these cut-throat busted sunsets,

these cold and damp white mornings I have grown weary.

If through my cracked and dusted dime-store lips

I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me?

Lay your blouse across the chair,

let fall the flowers from from your hair

and kiss me with that country mouth, so plain.

Outside, the rain is tapping on the leaves, to me it sounds

like they're applauding us, the quiet love we've made.

Will I always feel this way?

So empty, so estranged.

Well I looked my demons in the eyes,

laid bare my chest, said "Do your best, destroy me.

You see, I've been to hell and back so many times,

I must admit you kind of bore me."

There's a lot of things that can kill a man,

there's a lot of ways to die,

listen, some already did that walked beside me.

There's a lot of things I don't understand, why so many people lie.

It's the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?

So empty, so estranged.

----- as sung by Ray LaMontagne

Ray LaMontagne

What a gorgeous theater, The State. Along with The Orpheum



and The Pantages, part of the Hennepin Theatre Trust.



which are all roughly the same vintage, c. 1920. They're still gorgeous, beautifully restored. Man, that must have been quite a time, when all three of these were new and full and poppin'.



The crowd was mostly mid-twenties, with the occasional grey-beard thrown in. :) And it was definitely date night: lots of young couples. Aww. Not me, though. Too late getting to the box office when tix first went on sale. All that was left were single seats. :(



So, without a zoom on my cell phone camera, it's hard to see any detail on the pic of the opening act. Her name was Lissie: just a girl and her guitar & voice. She was kind of Alanis Morissette meets Neko Case. You definitely had to pay attention when she sang.

But the balcony seat wasn't too bad, really. The sound system at all three of these theatres is just superb.

Great, great sound was coming from the performers. You never really felt remote from them.



So for the headliner, I snuck down to the end of the balcony for one shot, and to the main floor side aisle for another.



Ray was great. He told a lot of stories, incl. a sweet and funny one about living with his Uncle Bob in Minneapolis when Ray was directionless and drifting in his early 20s. I get that. Sometimes that feeling persists into your early 50s. ;)



He sang all my favorites: Empty, Winter Birds, Let It Be Me, You Are The Best Thing, Trouble. Told a lot of stories. Just a guy and his guitar & voice. And what a voice.

chronic

.


same old frustrations
though the circumstances change
the constant is me


.

Beauty, Culture, and Evangelicals

Do these things go together in your mind?

They ought to, but I'll bet they don't. They really haven't gone together since the Protestant Reformation took righteous pleasure in cleansing European cathedrals of their art.

In my two Seminary classes this term, there is much discussion of the relationship of Christians and culture. George & McGrath have a quote: "Christianity can survive without culture, but can culture survive without Christianity?" Now that may be an extreme viewpoint, but they are trying to make a point.

If Christians are called (by Jesus, no less) to be "salt" and "light" in the world, the preserving & seasoning functions of salt and the revealing & clarifying functions of light don't have any effect unless they are in direct contact with the world's culture. And when Christians are in contact with culture, unafraid of it, engaged with it, critically reviewing it, then what's good in culture has a chance to be revealed... and preserved. The Roman poet Virgil did this with Homer's articulation of Greek culture, just like St. Augustine incorporated into Christian culture what he found to be good in Virgil.

Virgil examined Homer's work, and without critiquing style, focused instead on his Greek worldview, seeing in it what did and did not fit Roman culture, preserving the best. Augustine explained where he thought Virgil was lacking, as well as where he was right, but he did not critique his use of language and verse. He critiqued his ideas. And so, when we engage culture in a critical way, we really should not evaluate the end product, but rather evaluate the worldview of the artist in question, since one's work is inseparable from one's worldview. Ravi Zacharias said this at a lecture at Penn State:

"We should never debate art at the point of expression, but at the point of understanding. If artists can successfully defend their worldview, they should never have to defend their art."

Speaking of popular culture, I'm going to spend some time critically engaging Mad Men, and (especially in the Season 3 finale) reliving my experiences with the serial infidelities of Corporate America: it says it loves you as an employee, cares about you as a worker, but at its core it is opportunistic, just using you and looking out for its own interests.

So... what is there that is good in Corporate America? What is there in its worldview that is worth preserving? I suppose if I try hard enough, I'll think of something. ;)

Straight No Chaser

A night spent at the Fine Line is always a fine night.

It was pretty pleasant weather out, such that a light coat made standing on line waiting for the doors to open seem pleasant.



I really like both the decor and the setup of this place. It has the sleek black/chrome/neon motif of many clubs, plus a great way of doing table seating. You pay an extra $30/ticket to get a seat at a reserved table, but that $30 comes right back to you in the form of a bar/food tab. And the prices are normal, so what you would normally spend on food and drink, you still spend.. but you get to enjoy it at a table.



And our table was close enough that the performers were very visible, but not so close as to be able to see all their blemishes. ;) (not that there were many, given that they're all about 31 now..)



Straight No Chaser started out as a college acapella group at Indiana U, and graduated to a recording/touring group, having the #1 holiday CD on iTunes last season. Last night they did three obligatory Christmas tunes, but the rest was a mix of traditional close harmony (Drifters, Ink Spots, glee club), and contemporary songs done in acapella style (Amy Winehouse, Jason Mraz, Red Hot Chili Peppers).



They really worked up a sweat, as male performers are wont to do, as well as putting out solid music. Wound up being a fun little outing after a hard week of work and study. :)

Gender, Sexuality, and Spiritual Formation

Like these should go together? The old-school me would say "no way".

But the new (grad-) school me says, "sure, why not?" Bring it on. Let's talk about it - you, me, and all the rest of the class!

Last week and this week in SP505 were devoted to Sexuality & Spirituality. It wasn't as awkward as the profs' disclaimers made it out to be, either. The premise is that God created us male and female, and in several places the Bible holds sexuality out as a gift, a blessing, an essential part of us, an aspect of Imago Dei, and even a human metaphor for intimacy with God. So... if sexuality is given to us by God, then there must be a spiritual component to it, and vice versa. Conversely, if you are "off course" in one of the two areas, you are likely negatively affected in the other one, too. So, they are deeply linked, and one affects the other.

Yeah, boy. Don't I know it? ;)

Gender is described as one aspect of human sexuality, along with one's sexual identity, sexual biology, and sexual orientation. These work together in a complex and incomprehensible process to compose one's sexuality as a whole.

Sure. If you say so. Complex, incomprehensible.. I'll grant you that.

It was definitely an interesting discussion of gender last night. Many stereotypes were bandied about by the class, along with much good humor. And the point was clearly made that gender is a culturally-defined concept, and varies from one culture to another, even from one sub-culture to another within the same larger culture.

But, as with both jokes and stereotypes, gender also is an exaggeration of an underlying truth. Culture takes biological differences (the hard-wired physiological and emotional characteristics driven by chromosomes and hormone levels), and blows them out of proportion, amplifies them to the point of distortion, while at the same time embedding those distortions in concrete, as if they were unassailable and timeless truths.

It was pretty interesting to see differences among same-sex classmates on how gender roles were perceived (as positive or negative). Not all women saw femininity the same way, nor did men see masculinity uniformly. I'm sure you get this without me going into a long list of examples, although there are plenty.

The rest of the night was spent on a question I asked from the prior week. One author duo we studied defined "authentic sexuality" as being that expression of sexuality that is whole, integrated and God-honoring. However, they talked about it exclusively within the confines of marriage. And yet, they made the point that sexuality is much broader and richer than the "simple" act of sexual intercourse.

So I asked: alright, if you take sexual intercourse out of the picture, whether due to dysfunction or inappropriateness, what is "authentic sexuality" in that situation? How do you live a life of fully integrated and God-honoring sexuality if you are... by circumstance or by choice... celibate? Like, for instance... Jesus. And Paul. Or the Ethiopian eunuch to whom St. Philip expounded the Scripture. Or Joni Eareckson Tada. Or Stephen Hawking. Or Mother Teresa.

The profs did some research and came back with answers. Cool. I like it when professors take your questions seriously. :)

What does it look like, for instance, to be a single person, fully expressing your God-given sexuality, while still honoring God in the process? On one end of the spectrum is an inappropriate total denial/repression/rejection of one's sexuality; on the other end is a no-holds-barred unconstrained licentious reveling in it. What's the balance? They quoted at length from this article.

For those of you who don't tend to click through, the point was that sexuality is a means of experiencing intimacy with another person, (ideally) without shame in each other's presence, as with Adam & Eve in the beginning, each seeing, knowing, and affirming each other fully. The desire for intimacy, though, while tied up with sexuality, is not confined to it. And all sexuality is, to some degree, really a distillation of a much greater desire for intimacy with God: to know and be known... and then to be loved unconditionally by that One who knows you. That desire for intimacy and unconditional love is translated to human relationships in many ways, sexuality being only one of many. We operate sub-optimally when we think that sex is the only path to intimacy, or that intimacy only occurs with sex.

Although... it sure helps. ;)

Spiritual Family Tree

For SP505, one of our main assignments (due this week, just when I am fighting with a "change of seasons" headcold) is a "genogram".

It's essentially a family tree, with special focus on the spirituality, values, education, relationships, etc. of your ancestors. The idea is that your family system has an impact on who you become, and if you put it on a diagram, maybe you can get insights into how that happened in your particular case.

The profs warned us that it could be upsetting for some people; family dynamics can do that. And it was upsetting to me, a bit. I did not like marking so many relatives as deceased. :(

I also didn't like noting where there was conflict in my family and among my forebears. But it was interesting to see how some behavioral things have trickled down the generations to today, and how my generation made a clean break with some faith tradition things that were long-standing.

I guess that means that, while your family influences you... it doesn't determine you. Each of us still have a chance to overcome negative family dynamics and replace them with new, positive, ones.

If we want to.

(excuse me if I keep this unusually short. I need to go cough, blow my nose, apply more Zicam, and see if I can actually work today.)

Birthday Weekend

was pretty nice.

Saturday turned out to be the kind of Fall day I like: crisp, clear air, sun, a little breeze, and most of the leaves turned and dropped, so that the wind was kicking them up everywhere.

Birthday or no, I still had homework, and chose to study a good part of the day on campus, which is so pretty this time of year, especially on the path by the lake:



and from the steps of the new commons.



The commons building is several floors up on the hill above the lake




so it has great views from the upper floor of the cafeteria.



That night, we went to see a dinner theatre performance of "Always... Patsy Cline", which was outstanding. Just a great performance of some memorable music. Cameras were not allowed, but I did sneak one of the stage before the show began.



Top that off with working the hospitality table at church on Sunday, a really nice All Saints Day service, and football with pizza in the afternoon (and Brett showing that he hasn't forgotten how to win at Lambeau)... made it a pretty good birthday weekend all round. Not much missing.

Except a loved one or two. But that'll come, in time. :)