There aren't really any exams in TS502, just papers, one of which is a pretty big deal. So, um.. this thing is supposed to be 30% of my final grade. The syllabus describes it like this:
"Each student is required to submit a 10-12 page paper on a topic that will specifically involve an inter-disciplinary dialogue between doctrines studied in this class and another scholarly discipline (e.g. biblical studies, physics, biology, sociology, psychology, religion, history, philosophy, etc.) The purpose of the essay is to provide opportunity to examine in-depth a theological topic, which is of particular concern to the student, from an inter-disciplinary perspective. It also gives an opportunity to develop research skills and logical thinking as well as to learn how to search relevant literature. Suggestions for possible topics will be handed out in class. The choice of topic should be within the confines of doctrines discussed in this class (i.e. theological anthropology, harmartiology, Christology)."
Oof. Right.
The prof gave us a list of topics, none of which were appealing. :( So.. I made one up that I think I can relate to a lot better, given my previous post on my relationship with my brother, and my own fears (irrational ones, yes, but fears just the same) of having all his same tendencies. I just had to get it approved first. So I emailed him:
Dr. N, I have an idea for a final integrative project paper, and would
like to know if you think it workable.
My idea is to take the topic of addiction and look at it from the viewpoints of the doctrine of humanity and the doctrine of sin. I'd like to contrast the way we may view it Biblically, with how it is viewed in the disciplines of sociology, medicine and psychology.
Would this be an adequate topic for the paper?
B
********
B,
This sounds like an excellent topic for an integrative project. Plantinga's book has a section on addiction that you may be able to incorporate into your paper. At any rate, I think you have chosen a good topic and I will look forward to reading your paper if you choose to pursue this topic.
Blessings,
DN
The prof liked my idea so much he brought it up in class as an example of how students could successfully suggest their own topic. Good! So people are asking me afterwards "Would you be upset if I borrowed your topic for my paper?" "Just so long as you don't write a better paper than me", I said. :)
I don't think I'll have much trouble writing this one. The difficulty will be with thinking through the implications, as they are a bit close to home for me. But since when has a difficult and intimately personal topic ever slowed me down before? ;)
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Psycho homework
.. from Dr. Shrinkwrap.
Hm. We talked last week about the difficulty I'm still having in letting go of my brother, even two years after his death. We talked about why this is so much harder for me than my Dad's death was. One of the reasons, I think, is that in the last years of Dad's life, I worked hard at keeping short accounts with him, and always had the feeling that we were "square", that neither of us owed the other anything. I was okay with him - never felt like there were things left unsaid.
With my brother, though.. there was so much unfinished business.. so much still unresolved.. :(
And like no one else, serious conversation with someone about him brings me to such a combination of anger, tears, pride, love and disappointment, that I just can't contain it. It's still fresh, it still hurts. And .. things from 20, 30, 40 years ago are like they just happened last week. Why?
I guess I knew where I stood with Dad. I knew what his love and affirmation was based on (such as it was) - it was performance-based, either in academics or career. I wanted more than that, of course. Touch, for one thing. An interest in answering my faith questions for another. A shared love for music & arts for another. But at least his affirmation was well-defined and predictable. I knew what I had to do, and who I had to be, to earn it. With him, I learned how to play a part to get affirmation.
With my brother, I was never sure where I stood. Never sure how he felt. Fourteen years older than me, he was almost a second dad. He exuded such ambivalence toward me (or at least that's how it seemed..); he ranged from lavish generosity to harsh disregard, from warm attentiveness to cold aloofness. Which side I would see from month to month, year to year, (or if I'd even see him at all - he'd disappear for years at a time), I could never depend on knowing.
So, Dr. S-W suggested that it was this "unfinished business" with him that makes his death still seem so fresh. He suggested that I think about having him across a table from me, and (presuming it felt safe to do so - which is a big presumption) think about what I would want to ask him and tell him, if he were still here and willing to talk. Picture it, think through it, write it out, he said.
And that's what this is. I've been putting it off since last week when the therapist assigned it. I really don't want to have this discussion. But I have another appointment today, and need to get this done.
So you can stop reading now (unless you have an urge to eavesdrop a little bit on this one-sided conversation I'll be having.)
The rest of this is between me.. and the brother I'll never get back.
**********
What happened to you?
What went wrong? What broke you so badly that you couldn't be fixed? What died inside?
What made you such a wastrel in life, and such a disappointment to those who loved you, respected you, had such hopes for you?
Why did we all have to see you settle, time and again, for things that were beneath you?
Why did you run from success, as if you were punishing yourself for something, believing that you didn't deserve anything that was good in life? So that when you got your hands on something good, and were making something of it, you destroyed it, and had to run away?
Was it the knowledge that Mom and Dad "had to get married" because of you? Did you feel you were the little unborn reason that made them abandon their dreams and live in a marriage where the normal state of affairs was constant yelling and accusations, fighting all the time?
Was it something about that mysterious "car accident" when you were in high school, that no one would ever tell little brother about? Did something awful happen? Were you the cause?
You would promise things and not deliver on them. You would say you'd be there and not show up. You would forget special days, occasions, things that meant something to those who loved you.
And then, after sometimes years of silence, you would do something so extraordinarily generous that it was stunning, and made me want to believe in you again.
What happened to you?
You exuded this cavalier, devil-may-care, there-is-only-now approach to things that belied your prediliction for self-destruction, and the destruction of the relationships around you.
You tossed off serious topics far too lightly, making a joke of anything that might be significant. So much fun, but soooo surface-level. It was as if you were afraid to have a serious conversation with anyone, because it might reveal something about who you really were inside, or who you *could* be if you ever stopped clowning.
The only serious conversation you and I ever had was on the telephone when you were roaring drunk, and called me out for not acting like a man and pulling my weight with Dad's needs, when I was only barely out of boyhood. When I tried to engage you as an adult about something meaningful.. you blew me off.
You were always good for a laugh and a good time. From after high school onward, when you first drank yourself right out of college and into the military, the laughs were all you seemed to care about. And you always headed downward, but seemed happy about it, almost proud of your downward spiral.
You lied about who you were. You lied to everyone around you, and you lied to yourself. You settled for a hand-to-mouth existence when you didn't have to. You turned the circumstances of your life into a shambles, always choosing a path down.
You let yourself go physically. You poisoned your brilliant mind with alcohol, you abandoned your wife and children, you ran from your family and friends, you surrounded yourself with losers and misfits and good-time party people who didn't give a damn about life any more than you did.
And in the end you died from self-abuse and self-neglect, sick, drunk and alone in the night in the darkness of your trailer, your woman asleep in the other room.
What happened to you?
And really.. why the hell should I care?
Except I do. I still do.
You bastard. Why can't I let you go?
I can't help but still love you.. and wish to God you were still here.
**********
Hm. We talked last week about the difficulty I'm still having in letting go of my brother, even two years after his death. We talked about why this is so much harder for me than my Dad's death was. One of the reasons, I think, is that in the last years of Dad's life, I worked hard at keeping short accounts with him, and always had the feeling that we were "square", that neither of us owed the other anything. I was okay with him - never felt like there were things left unsaid.
With my brother, though.. there was so much unfinished business.. so much still unresolved.. :(
And like no one else, serious conversation with someone about him brings me to such a combination of anger, tears, pride, love and disappointment, that I just can't contain it. It's still fresh, it still hurts. And .. things from 20, 30, 40 years ago are like they just happened last week. Why?
I guess I knew where I stood with Dad. I knew what his love and affirmation was based on (such as it was) - it was performance-based, either in academics or career. I wanted more than that, of course. Touch, for one thing. An interest in answering my faith questions for another. A shared love for music & arts for another. But at least his affirmation was well-defined and predictable. I knew what I had to do, and who I had to be, to earn it. With him, I learned how to play a part to get affirmation.
With my brother, I was never sure where I stood. Never sure how he felt. Fourteen years older than me, he was almost a second dad. He exuded such ambivalence toward me (or at least that's how it seemed..); he ranged from lavish generosity to harsh disregard, from warm attentiveness to cold aloofness. Which side I would see from month to month, year to year, (or if I'd even see him at all - he'd disappear for years at a time), I could never depend on knowing.
So, Dr. S-W suggested that it was this "unfinished business" with him that makes his death still seem so fresh. He suggested that I think about having him across a table from me, and (presuming it felt safe to do so - which is a big presumption) think about what I would want to ask him and tell him, if he were still here and willing to talk. Picture it, think through it, write it out, he said.
And that's what this is. I've been putting it off since last week when the therapist assigned it. I really don't want to have this discussion. But I have another appointment today, and need to get this done.
So you can stop reading now (unless you have an urge to eavesdrop a little bit on this one-sided conversation I'll be having.)
The rest of this is between me.. and the brother I'll never get back.
**********
What happened to you?
What went wrong? What broke you so badly that you couldn't be fixed? What died inside?
What made you such a wastrel in life, and such a disappointment to those who loved you, respected you, had such hopes for you?
Why did we all have to see you settle, time and again, for things that were beneath you?
Why did you run from success, as if you were punishing yourself for something, believing that you didn't deserve anything that was good in life? So that when you got your hands on something good, and were making something of it, you destroyed it, and had to run away?
Was it the knowledge that Mom and Dad "had to get married" because of you? Did you feel you were the little unborn reason that made them abandon their dreams and live in a marriage where the normal state of affairs was constant yelling and accusations, fighting all the time?
Was it something about that mysterious "car accident" when you were in high school, that no one would ever tell little brother about? Did something awful happen? Were you the cause?
You would promise things and not deliver on them. You would say you'd be there and not show up. You would forget special days, occasions, things that meant something to those who loved you.
And then, after sometimes years of silence, you would do something so extraordinarily generous that it was stunning, and made me want to believe in you again.
What happened to you?
You exuded this cavalier, devil-may-care, there-is-only-now approach to things that belied your prediliction for self-destruction, and the destruction of the relationships around you.
You tossed off serious topics far too lightly, making a joke of anything that might be significant. So much fun, but soooo surface-level. It was as if you were afraid to have a serious conversation with anyone, because it might reveal something about who you really were inside, or who you *could* be if you ever stopped clowning.
The only serious conversation you and I ever had was on the telephone when you were roaring drunk, and called me out for not acting like a man and pulling my weight with Dad's needs, when I was only barely out of boyhood. When I tried to engage you as an adult about something meaningful.. you blew me off.
You were always good for a laugh and a good time. From after high school onward, when you first drank yourself right out of college and into the military, the laughs were all you seemed to care about. And you always headed downward, but seemed happy about it, almost proud of your downward spiral.
You lied about who you were. You lied to everyone around you, and you lied to yourself. You settled for a hand-to-mouth existence when you didn't have to. You turned the circumstances of your life into a shambles, always choosing a path down.
You let yourself go physically. You poisoned your brilliant mind with alcohol, you abandoned your wife and children, you ran from your family and friends, you surrounded yourself with losers and misfits and good-time party people who didn't give a damn about life any more than you did.
And in the end you died from self-abuse and self-neglect, sick, drunk and alone in the night in the darkness of your trailer, your woman asleep in the other room.
What happened to you?
And really.. why the hell should I care?
Except I do. I still do.
You bastard. Why can't I let you go?
I can't help but still love you.. and wish to God you were still here.
**********
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Constitution and Bylaws
ugh.
Hate these things. In churches, particularly.
I've had the task of helping write and rewrite them several times and they are always fraught with compromise and what seems to be non-biblical choices. They seem like a necessary evil to accommodate the lifestyle of the modern church to the demands of the secular government and the culture, especially in areas having to do with taxation and ownership of property.
I mean.. when in the New Testament do we have instances of the church (local or universal) owning property (real or personal)? If they had property, it was typically cash, and even that as a custodian for a short time only, until it was distributed to the poor.
When did this all get started? I'd kind of like to know when the church began to own buildings and lands. Was it.. in Constantine's day, when the Church and the State first became intimate bed partners?
And when did the first church become a legal corporation? When was the 501c3 tax-exempt status first granted, so that contributions by individuals were tax-deductible? (Has to be after 1913, since there was no income tax in the USA prior to that..)
I have long been peeved at the modern church for accommodating itself to the culture in this regard in order to facilitate getting more revenue and owning more property. I know it's not just the modern church, as property was owned by the Church prior to the Reformation, certainly.. but the modern church seems to be more culpable somehow, more willing to be affected by doing what's necessary to compete for funds and property these days.
So, why the rant?
EnCompass Church unveiled its Constitution and Bylaws on Sunday. But it still seems to be one of the least "financially motivated" or growth-oriented churches I have ever seen. They talked about it as if it were a necessary evil, too. And they came up with something pretty clever, I think, to separate the legal requirements of being a non-profit corporation from the life of the church community & its goal of growing people into disciples of Jesus.
They have a two-classification system of affiliation. There is an affiliation called "church member" which is pretty loosely defined as to requirements, not too rigorous. This status is what's needed for voting on leaders, rules and property, and can be held indefinitely. Then they have a thing called "ministry partner" which is much more focused on personal committment to ministry and community. This status is what's needed for leadership, etc., and is a yearly renewable contract.
Hm. Maybe this serves the purpose of "rendering to Caesar that which is Caesar's, and to God what is God's."
Oh, and speaking of Constitution and Bylaws.. I think the Catholic Church has something similar. I believe they call it Canon Law? Maybe? Except its focus is not on complying with a particular government's legal requirements (which I'm not sure they care all that much about, really..) it's more the rules and regulations of how things are to be done in the faith community - who can do what tasks or hold what office, how disputes are resolved, etc.
Again, I *think* so. And I suppose, over two millennia, some of these situations have been repeated enough that you could write it down and save each successive generation from reinventing the wheel.
It's more the little Evangelical churches which tend to come and go, form and dissolve, and do so independent of an Ecclesial governance in many areas. They need the documentation and forms and structure much more. The problem comes when regulations drive the structure and conduct of ministry, which I've seen happen far too often. :(
I think, somehow, EnCompass has figured out a way to avoid this. :) Hope so.
Hate these things. In churches, particularly.
I've had the task of helping write and rewrite them several times and they are always fraught with compromise and what seems to be non-biblical choices. They seem like a necessary evil to accommodate the lifestyle of the modern church to the demands of the secular government and the culture, especially in areas having to do with taxation and ownership of property.
I mean.. when in the New Testament do we have instances of the church (local or universal) owning property (real or personal)? If they had property, it was typically cash, and even that as a custodian for a short time only, until it was distributed to the poor.
When did this all get started? I'd kind of like to know when the church began to own buildings and lands. Was it.. in Constantine's day, when the Church and the State first became intimate bed partners?
And when did the first church become a legal corporation? When was the 501c3 tax-exempt status first granted, so that contributions by individuals were tax-deductible? (Has to be after 1913, since there was no income tax in the USA prior to that..)
I have long been peeved at the modern church for accommodating itself to the culture in this regard in order to facilitate getting more revenue and owning more property. I know it's not just the modern church, as property was owned by the Church prior to the Reformation, certainly.. but the modern church seems to be more culpable somehow, more willing to be affected by doing what's necessary to compete for funds and property these days.
So, why the rant?
EnCompass Church unveiled its Constitution and Bylaws on Sunday. But it still seems to be one of the least "financially motivated" or growth-oriented churches I have ever seen. They talked about it as if it were a necessary evil, too. And they came up with something pretty clever, I think, to separate the legal requirements of being a non-profit corporation from the life of the church community & its goal of growing people into disciples of Jesus.
They have a two-classification system of affiliation. There is an affiliation called "church member" which is pretty loosely defined as to requirements, not too rigorous. This status is what's needed for voting on leaders, rules and property, and can be held indefinitely. Then they have a thing called "ministry partner" which is much more focused on personal committment to ministry and community. This status is what's needed for leadership, etc., and is a yearly renewable contract.
Hm. Maybe this serves the purpose of "rendering to Caesar that which is Caesar's, and to God what is God's."
Oh, and speaking of Constitution and Bylaws.. I think the Catholic Church has something similar. I believe they call it Canon Law? Maybe? Except its focus is not on complying with a particular government's legal requirements (which I'm not sure they care all that much about, really..) it's more the rules and regulations of how things are to be done in the faith community - who can do what tasks or hold what office, how disputes are resolved, etc.
Again, I *think* so. And I suppose, over two millennia, some of these situations have been repeated enough that you could write it down and save each successive generation from reinventing the wheel.
It's more the little Evangelical churches which tend to come and go, form and dissolve, and do so independent of an Ecclesial governance in many areas. They need the documentation and forms and structure much more. The problem comes when regulations drive the structure and conduct of ministry, which I've seen happen far too often. :(
I think, somehow, EnCompass has figured out a way to avoid this. :) Hope so.
Monday, January 28, 2008
If I but call your name
Sung during Mass on Saturday:
(easy to sing along with, but tough to actually do..)
The Summons
Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
Will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?
Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?
Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,
And admit to what I mean in you and you in me?
Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?
Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.
-----Lyrics by John L. Bell, sung to the Scottish melody, Kelvingrove.
(easy to sing along with, but tough to actually do..)
The Summons
Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
Will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?
Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?
Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,
And admit to what I mean in you and you in me?
Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?
Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.
-----Lyrics by John L. Bell, sung to the Scottish melody, Kelvingrove.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Guess they won't have to amputate after all
..my left arm, that is. It was getting kind of useless there for a while.
Today is the last of 10 days of a doctor-directed regimen of icing, ibuprofen, and indirect pressure (wearing a brace). Actually he was a Physician's Assistant, but he sure made me wait just like a doctor! I'm there on time, but it's 50 minutes later before I finally saw the guy.. :(
I have to hand it to him, though.. it seems to have worked. Tomorrow I will try push-ups again and see how it holds up. If it seems to tolerate that okay, then I'll try the other arm and chest work I'd been doing. Except I'll save the bicep curls for last. That's where it seemed to encounter the strain a few weeks back.
Back in the kitchen again yesterday. :) A nice little Italian chicken thing - sort of a cross between Chicken Parmesan and Chicken Cacciatore. Colorful! Love those chopped-up multi-color bell peppers frozen and left over from the farmers' market this summer. Mmm.
And I see that Barack did good for himself yesterday. So did Tiger. So did Marquette. All my guys did well. :) That, plus getting all my reading done for Tuesday night, finishing up the paper that's also due then, going for a run, going to Mass, watching Die Hard 2, scooping up a hot concert ticket, and picking up a little new music (review to follow later, after I soak in it a while.. ) - all around it was a pretty darned nice day.
Today it's church, going out to grab another hot concert ticket, grading homework, doing one last lesson plan, and tomorrow night.. the final! And then I am done with teaching Math class until Summer. Yay! I get my Monday nights back. :)
Today is the last of 10 days of a doctor-directed regimen of icing, ibuprofen, and indirect pressure (wearing a brace). Actually he was a Physician's Assistant, but he sure made me wait just like a doctor! I'm there on time, but it's 50 minutes later before I finally saw the guy.. :(
I have to hand it to him, though.. it seems to have worked. Tomorrow I will try push-ups again and see how it holds up. If it seems to tolerate that okay, then I'll try the other arm and chest work I'd been doing. Except I'll save the bicep curls for last. That's where it seemed to encounter the strain a few weeks back.
Back in the kitchen again yesterday. :) A nice little Italian chicken thing - sort of a cross between Chicken Parmesan and Chicken Cacciatore. Colorful! Love those chopped-up multi-color bell peppers frozen and left over from the farmers' market this summer. Mmm.
And I see that Barack did good for himself yesterday. So did Tiger. So did Marquette. All my guys did well. :) That, plus getting all my reading done for Tuesday night, finishing up the paper that's also due then, going for a run, going to Mass, watching Die Hard 2, scooping up a hot concert ticket, and picking up a little new music (review to follow later, after I soak in it a while.. ) - all around it was a pretty darned nice day.
Today it's church, going out to grab another hot concert ticket, grading homework, doing one last lesson plan, and tomorrow night.. the final! And then I am done with teaching Math class until Summer. Yay! I get my Monday nights back. :)
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Traffic court in the frozen north
.. is kind of cold and sterile. But at least they're on time. It's not like the doctor's office. You make an appointment by phone with a hearing officer, and when you get there and your time comes, they call your name (loudly!) into a crowded hallway filled with rebels, losers and misfits. In other words, guys just like me! :P Hey yo, dog, they my peeps, dig? Word.
One nice thing is that they run all the citations through an imaging center to get them on line. And you don't have to do anything about responding until they get it in the system.. which only took them 3 months! I was actually stopped in October.. after only the first time going down this particular stretch of urban Interstate (and the first citation in my new state.. aww, I feel at home now!)
No complaints here.. I get to delay without penalty while I wait for them to hear me out. No arguments about the ticket, either. They were right. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Just a plea for mercy across the table from a real person. They're not particularly lenient, however. :(
In every other state, it's been in my best interest to go to a preliminary hearing, because they often have been merciful and have reduced tickets to "no-points" violations (though they *never* reduce the fine!)
Not this time. :( Ah, well. Less than 10 miles over, and that was while coming off of a downhill on-ramp into the flow of traffic, so.. not an egregious violation. Still.. slowing down is in order.
Especially since I now know that in the frozen north.. they're pretty stiff from the cold and not inclined to bend.
I think I need to go for a run. At least there I know how to slow down. ;)
One nice thing is that they run all the citations through an imaging center to get them on line. And you don't have to do anything about responding until they get it in the system.. which only took them 3 months! I was actually stopped in October.. after only the first time going down this particular stretch of urban Interstate (and the first citation in my new state.. aww, I feel at home now!)
No complaints here.. I get to delay without penalty while I wait for them to hear me out. No arguments about the ticket, either. They were right. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Just a plea for mercy across the table from a real person. They're not particularly lenient, however. :(
In every other state, it's been in my best interest to go to a preliminary hearing, because they often have been merciful and have reduced tickets to "no-points" violations (though they *never* reduce the fine!)
Not this time. :( Ah, well. Less than 10 miles over, and that was while coming off of a downhill on-ramp into the flow of traffic, so.. not an egregious violation. Still.. slowing down is in order.
Especially since I now know that in the frozen north.. they're pretty stiff from the cold and not inclined to bend.
I think I need to go for a run. At least there I know how to slow down. ;)
Friday, January 25, 2008
All.. most.. done..
with my Math class at Stritch. This one didn't turn out quite like I'd expected. Of course, none of them have yet.
It was supposed to be a no-prep course for me, as I had just taught it 5 months earlier. Nobody told me they rewrote the syllabus and changed all the assignments! All new prep. :(
It was supposed to be a few weeks over Christmas break when I wasn't taking night classes myself. Nobody told me we'd have 3 weeks off in the middle of class, and that most of the time would be spent after my Winter quarter at Bethel had already started. :(
It was supposed to be a group of students who had been screened for the class, taken any necessary prerequisites. Nobody told me that 2/3 of the class was completely unprepared for algebra. They saw what was required of them and panicked. :(
Add to that the RCIA classes I'm in every Wednesday, the 45 min. drive each way to the classroom location, the phone calls and emails trying to calm down the administration over the unprepared students, the review by an experienced teacher in the classroom as an "observer" (which went very well and really wasted his time), I actually wound up earning my keep on this one! And here I thought it was going to be just an easy fill-in over the holidays..
So, after the final next week, I have my Monday nights back! Yay! But, still, it was good to teach again. And the stipend I get roughly pays for one class at Bethel. :) Hopefully I'll pick up a couple more over Summer, too. I do like it. Even if it isn't ever what I expect.
Oh, and.. almost done with that paper for TS502. Just editing today, so by tomorrow .. I can put it down and stop thinking about the marginalized for a while. And you all can stop reading about it. :)
Plus, tomorrow is my day to get back in the kitchen. Yay!
It was supposed to be a no-prep course for me, as I had just taught it 5 months earlier. Nobody told me they rewrote the syllabus and changed all the assignments! All new prep. :(
It was supposed to be a few weeks over Christmas break when I wasn't taking night classes myself. Nobody told me we'd have 3 weeks off in the middle of class, and that most of the time would be spent after my Winter quarter at Bethel had already started. :(
It was supposed to be a group of students who had been screened for the class, taken any necessary prerequisites. Nobody told me that 2/3 of the class was completely unprepared for algebra. They saw what was required of them and panicked. :(
Add to that the RCIA classes I'm in every Wednesday, the 45 min. drive each way to the classroom location, the phone calls and emails trying to calm down the administration over the unprepared students, the review by an experienced teacher in the classroom as an "observer" (which went very well and really wasted his time), I actually wound up earning my keep on this one! And here I thought it was going to be just an easy fill-in over the holidays..
So, after the final next week, I have my Monday nights back! Yay! But, still, it was good to teach again. And the stipend I get roughly pays for one class at Bethel. :) Hopefully I'll pick up a couple more over Summer, too. I do like it. Even if it isn't ever what I expect.
Oh, and.. almost done with that paper for TS502. Just editing today, so by tomorrow .. I can put it down and stop thinking about the marginalized for a while. And you all can stop reading about it. :)
Plus, tomorrow is my day to get back in the kitchen. Yay!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Just one more post..
on the subject of the marginalized among us.
Hey! I'm writing my first paper for TS502 on this book, and .. it's on my mind, okay? :) Plus.. I have some personal application to make, which is what I do here, right? It's theraputic..
Anyway, I thought this was a perceptive series of quotes by the author (Virgilio Elizondo) of Galilean Journey: The Mexican-American Promise. And while it's not entirely original thought by any means, it was well-worded enough to strike a chord in me. The context is a discussion of poverty as a marginalizing influence. He goes on to define poverty in three ways:
"For our purposes, we may distinguish three basic types of poverty: material, psychological, and cultural-spiritual. Material poverty is the lack of the fundamental necessities of life, such as food, clothing, housing, and medicine. It means not having money or credit. It means not having a job or even the possibility of one. It means being broke."
"Everyone has basic psychological needs, and when these are not met there is psychological poverty. Everyone needs to be accepted, esteemed, needed, understood, desired, and loved. If these are not met, persons develop a low self-image and will often fear or even hate themselves. One of the great problems in the world is that because of psychological poverty many persons do not love or accept themselves as they are."
"A person could be materially rich while being psychologically poor, and vice versa."
"The third and deepest level of poverty is cultural-spiritual poverty. Cultural and spiritual are not the same, but they are intimately related, for basic culture is in many ways the fundamentally life-spirit of the group. Cultural-spiritual poverty is the deprivation ... of the very humanity of a racially and culturally determined group."
"This is the worst type of poverty because it deprives persons of their fundamental humanity as shaped and determined by the Creator. Persons are conditioned to see beauty, acceptability, and respectability only in the ways of the power groups and often feel ashamed or at least confused about their own characteristics. Some even curse their own people and their God for making them to be what they are. Their fundamental spirit is ridiculed, stepped on, and crushed."
Okay.. why am I bringing this up? In part because it was a new way of looking at poverty for me, and especially helps me understand Jesus' stated concern, in the Sermon on the Mount, for the poor "in spirit." I think I might know now what that means.
The other part of why I bring this up is because, while I haven't experienced cultural-spiritual poverty as he defines it (since I'm a white male in North America, after all..), and have only twice in my life experienced anything like material poverty (and that not for very long), I *have* experienced the middle one - psychological poverty. And to a great degree I still live in it - every day. You could say that I shouldn't (many people have..), but the feelings are real and, some days, overwhelming. Let me repeat what he said:
"Everyone needs to be accepted, esteemed, needed, understood, desired, and loved. If these are not met, persons develop a low self-image and will often fear or even hate themselves."
Yes. That's it. Rings true to my experience, and it's one of two core topics (the other being effectively dealing with loss - which itself is all tied up with the above, since my losses are all in the area of these unmet needs) that Dr. S-W and I are talking about, weekly now (yesterday, in fact.) He says that this fits with all I've told him, and he also thinks I'm doing well with it all. Ha - I'm glad *he* thinks so. He must get some personal affirmation and career validation from that. ;)
Now, where was I?
Oh yeah. Elizondo goes on to say this:
"For those who ordinarily have a good existential sense of belonging, the idea of being chosen is nothing special. But for one who has been consistently ignored or rejected, the fact of being noticed, accepted, and chosen is not only good news, but new life. For in being chosen, what was nothing becomes something; what was dead now comes to life. ... The experience of being wanted as one is, of being needed and of being chosen, is a real and profound rebirth. Those who had been made to consider themselves inferior, will now begin to appreciate what it feels like to be accepted fully as human beings."
Yup. That's it again. Except I would add one more word to the list of "noticed, accepted and chosen." I'd add.. understood. Or.. known. Because you can be noticed and accepted, and even chosen, but - if these things happen without you being known/understood.. there is a very real possibility that when you *are* fully known.. you will then be rejected. So.. to guard against that, you put on a mask, you play a role or a part that you think represents the reason you were noticed and accepted, so that you will *continue* to be chosen/wanted. But when you do that.. you become that much more alienated from the real you. You become: the roles you play.
Is this making sense? To me it is.
If they knew me.. really knew me as I really am.. would they still accept and choose (want) me?
With God.. I know the answer (which is why on a daily basis I have such an overwhelming sense of His grace.) With people.. I don't. Until.. I stop playing the part I think I've been assigned, stop covering up the real me, and take the risk of removing the mask, the risk of being known. Then, when they (be it family, friend, employer, social group) understand who I am, when they know me, their actions will tell me whether or not I'm still wanted. But sometimes.. it's too big of a risk for me to take - the threat of rejection (based on past patterns) is too great, and the consequences too severe. So I stay hidden.
Those times in my life when I *have* been noticed, accepted and chosen - all while being well known and understood well - have been few. But they have been life-giving. And some of them.. continue to give life even today.
Hey! I'm writing my first paper for TS502 on this book, and .. it's on my mind, okay? :) Plus.. I have some personal application to make, which is what I do here, right? It's theraputic..
Anyway, I thought this was a perceptive series of quotes by the author (Virgilio Elizondo) of Galilean Journey: The Mexican-American Promise. And while it's not entirely original thought by any means, it was well-worded enough to strike a chord in me. The context is a discussion of poverty as a marginalizing influence. He goes on to define poverty in three ways:
"For our purposes, we may distinguish three basic types of poverty: material, psychological, and cultural-spiritual. Material poverty is the lack of the fundamental necessities of life, such as food, clothing, housing, and medicine. It means not having money or credit. It means not having a job or even the possibility of one. It means being broke."
"Everyone has basic psychological needs, and when these are not met there is psychological poverty. Everyone needs to be accepted, esteemed, needed, understood, desired, and loved. If these are not met, persons develop a low self-image and will often fear or even hate themselves. One of the great problems in the world is that because of psychological poverty many persons do not love or accept themselves as they are."
"A person could be materially rich while being psychologically poor, and vice versa."
"The third and deepest level of poverty is cultural-spiritual poverty. Cultural and spiritual are not the same, but they are intimately related, for basic culture is in many ways the fundamentally life-spirit of the group. Cultural-spiritual poverty is the deprivation ... of the very humanity of a racially and culturally determined group."
"This is the worst type of poverty because it deprives persons of their fundamental humanity as shaped and determined by the Creator. Persons are conditioned to see beauty, acceptability, and respectability only in the ways of the power groups and often feel ashamed or at least confused about their own characteristics. Some even curse their own people and their God for making them to be what they are. Their fundamental spirit is ridiculed, stepped on, and crushed."
Okay.. why am I bringing this up? In part because it was a new way of looking at poverty for me, and especially helps me understand Jesus' stated concern, in the Sermon on the Mount, for the poor "in spirit." I think I might know now what that means.
The other part of why I bring this up is because, while I haven't experienced cultural-spiritual poverty as he defines it (since I'm a white male in North America, after all..), and have only twice in my life experienced anything like material poverty (and that not for very long), I *have* experienced the middle one - psychological poverty. And to a great degree I still live in it - every day. You could say that I shouldn't (many people have..), but the feelings are real and, some days, overwhelming. Let me repeat what he said:
"Everyone needs to be accepted, esteemed, needed, understood, desired, and loved. If these are not met, persons develop a low self-image and will often fear or even hate themselves."
Yes. That's it. Rings true to my experience, and it's one of two core topics (the other being effectively dealing with loss - which itself is all tied up with the above, since my losses are all in the area of these unmet needs) that Dr. S-W and I are talking about, weekly now (yesterday, in fact.) He says that this fits with all I've told him, and he also thinks I'm doing well with it all. Ha - I'm glad *he* thinks so. He must get some personal affirmation and career validation from that. ;)
Now, where was I?
Oh yeah. Elizondo goes on to say this:
"For those who ordinarily have a good existential sense of belonging, the idea of being chosen is nothing special. But for one who has been consistently ignored or rejected, the fact of being noticed, accepted, and chosen is not only good news, but new life. For in being chosen, what was nothing becomes something; what was dead now comes to life. ... The experience of being wanted as one is, of being needed and of being chosen, is a real and profound rebirth. Those who had been made to consider themselves inferior, will now begin to appreciate what it feels like to be accepted fully as human beings."
Yup. That's it again. Except I would add one more word to the list of "noticed, accepted and chosen." I'd add.. understood. Or.. known. Because you can be noticed and accepted, and even chosen, but - if these things happen without you being known/understood.. there is a very real possibility that when you *are* fully known.. you will then be rejected. So.. to guard against that, you put on a mask, you play a role or a part that you think represents the reason you were noticed and accepted, so that you will *continue* to be chosen/wanted. But when you do that.. you become that much more alienated from the real you. You become: the roles you play.
Is this making sense? To me it is.
If they knew me.. really knew me as I really am.. would they still accept and choose (want) me?
With God.. I know the answer (which is why on a daily basis I have such an overwhelming sense of His grace.) With people.. I don't. Until.. I stop playing the part I think I've been assigned, stop covering up the real me, and take the risk of removing the mask, the risk of being known. Then, when they (be it family, friend, employer, social group) understand who I am, when they know me, their actions will tell me whether or not I'm still wanted. But sometimes.. it's too big of a risk for me to take - the threat of rejection (based on past patterns) is too great, and the consequences too severe. So I stay hidden.
Those times in my life when I *have* been noticed, accepted and chosen - all while being well known and understood well - have been few. But they have been life-giving. And some of them.. continue to give life even today.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Music Reviews: Milosh, K-OS, Psapp, Zoe Keating
I've been sitting on these for a while. I'm overdue for a review. :)
Milosh - "Meme": Take a little Booka Shade, a little Caribou, a little Bjork, a little Mahogany, mix.. kind of reminds one of standing out on the balcony of the fishing lodge at night in the far north, watching the northern lights dance. :) Very pleasant background music, good for studying or reading or chilling. Favorites: Couldn't Sleep, I'm Trying, My Life, Run Away, This Way. Two thumbs up - very nice. :)
Psapp - "Hi - EP": This band reminds me a bit of Apples in Stereo or Cibo Matto. Peppy female voices blending with instruments, singing about nothing in particular. :) It's just a little EP, but kind of fun. Nice to have in your mix as a upbeat change of pace. Favorite: Apple Block. Fun little song. Worth a download just by itself. :)
K-OS - "Atlantis - Hymns for Disco": Wow! I mean.. this is rap the way it really *can* be!
iTunes complains that this Canadian rapper's flow isn't very good. Bosh. His flow is just fine on songs like "Equalizer", for instance. They claim it's because he comes at rap with a vocalist's sensibility.. well, hey! That's what makes him so good! :) Vocalist sensibilities (as opposed to atonal gutter thug drivel..) makes a positive difference. His songs are.. dare I say it? Songs! There's a melody somewhere that's noticeable (though not always dominant by any stretch.)
So.. dry up, iTunes! Less of the status quo in rap, and more K-OS, I say. ;) Two thumbs up. Favorites: Highway 7, Born to Run, Equalizer (also a send-up of Elvis's Jailhouse Rock - fun), Flypaper (with a Cut-Chemist-style intro), The Rain, Battle of Noah, Sunday Morning.
Zoe Keating - "One Cello x 16": Not sure you can call this classical, per se. But it's mostly cello, with some looping and over-dubbing, so .. electronic might be better? But it is hardly beat-based.. it's background-y and atmospheric, unobtrusive, much of it in minor keys. Something like you might expect as the soundtrack to a documentary movie about whales, or Iceland, or.. whales off the coast of Iceland. ;)
Someone else in my house (not the regular music critic, mind you..) thinks it's depressing music, but I say.. hey, cheer up! If Mr. Morose here can handle it, surely you can.. :) I think it's really good study music, or music to have on behind you when reading, or while eating dinner, having light conversation, etc. No real favorites, no standout tracks, just.. good. :) Two thumbs up.
Next up.. some really old bands. You know, old. Like.. from the 80's. ;)
Milosh - "Meme": Take a little Booka Shade, a little Caribou, a little Bjork, a little Mahogany, mix.. kind of reminds one of standing out on the balcony of the fishing lodge at night in the far north, watching the northern lights dance. :) Very pleasant background music, good for studying or reading or chilling. Favorites: Couldn't Sleep, I'm Trying, My Life, Run Away, This Way. Two thumbs up - very nice. :)
Psapp - "Hi - EP": This band reminds me a bit of Apples in Stereo or Cibo Matto. Peppy female voices blending with instruments, singing about nothing in particular. :) It's just a little EP, but kind of fun. Nice to have in your mix as a upbeat change of pace. Favorite: Apple Block. Fun little song. Worth a download just by itself. :)
K-OS - "Atlantis - Hymns for Disco": Wow! I mean.. this is rap the way it really *can* be!
iTunes complains that this Canadian rapper's flow isn't very good. Bosh. His flow is just fine on songs like "Equalizer", for instance. They claim it's because he comes at rap with a vocalist's sensibility.. well, hey! That's what makes him so good! :) Vocalist sensibilities (as opposed to atonal gutter thug drivel..) makes a positive difference. His songs are.. dare I say it? Songs! There's a melody somewhere that's noticeable (though not always dominant by any stretch.)
So.. dry up, iTunes! Less of the status quo in rap, and more K-OS, I say. ;) Two thumbs up. Favorites: Highway 7, Born to Run, Equalizer (also a send-up of Elvis's Jailhouse Rock - fun), Flypaper (with a Cut-Chemist-style intro), The Rain, Battle of Noah, Sunday Morning.
Zoe Keating - "One Cello x 16": Not sure you can call this classical, per se. But it's mostly cello, with some looping and over-dubbing, so .. electronic might be better? But it is hardly beat-based.. it's background-y and atmospheric, unobtrusive, much of it in minor keys. Something like you might expect as the soundtrack to a documentary movie about whales, or Iceland, or.. whales off the coast of Iceland. ;)
Someone else in my house (not the regular music critic, mind you..) thinks it's depressing music, but I say.. hey, cheer up! If Mr. Morose here can handle it, surely you can.. :) I think it's really good study music, or music to have on behind you when reading, or while eating dinner, having light conversation, etc. No real favorites, no standout tracks, just.. good. :) Two thumbs up.
Next up.. some really old bands. You know, old. Like.. from the 80's. ;)
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Back in the kitchen again..
..where a man can experiment, take a few risks, and where failure isn't a threat to his masculinity. ;)
Success, however.. can be. :P
And this was definitely a successful experiment.
Dinner Saturday was an attempt to use the broth I made after Christmas from the carcass of the duck J1 and I made for Christmas Eve dinner. I had 6 cups of the brown stuff frozen, and.. wow, did I hit the mother-lode of recipes for duck broth. Two of them, in fact!
The homemade cream of mushroom soup turned out to be real high-end restaurant quality.. just the smell of it was spendid! And with the mix of mushroom types I got, some shallots, the duck broth, and the sour cream (and a little Potato Buds for thickening) - my goodness, it was creamy and tasty. And my new food processor made the fine chopping a breeze. A lot fewer tears. :)
Then, the fennel and onion risotto - oh! Oh, oh, oh. Wonderful. Lots of basil, some white wine, more duck broth, and toward the end (after a couple hours of reducing), shredded Italian hard cheeses (asagio, romano, parmesan) and some peas. Mm. Yummy. Not to mention the handy food processor again. :)
Plus, there's enough risotto left over to have for the next time the college kids come over for dinner and cards. I have this big hunk of uncooked veal in the freezer left over from Grandma's Christmas dinner to use up, so .. they will get a pretty nice dinner, indeed.
If I can figure out what to do with the veal. Never worked with it before. Hm. Suggestions from the readership are welcome.
Packer loss yesterday notwithstanding.. it felt good to get back in the kitchen again. It sure is fun, especially when it comes out right. :)
Success, however.. can be. :P
And this was definitely a successful experiment.
Dinner Saturday was an attempt to use the broth I made after Christmas from the carcass of the duck J1 and I made for Christmas Eve dinner. I had 6 cups of the brown stuff frozen, and.. wow, did I hit the mother-lode of recipes for duck broth. Two of them, in fact!
The homemade cream of mushroom soup turned out to be real high-end restaurant quality.. just the smell of it was spendid! And with the mix of mushroom types I got, some shallots, the duck broth, and the sour cream (and a little Potato Buds for thickening) - my goodness, it was creamy and tasty. And my new food processor made the fine chopping a breeze. A lot fewer tears. :)
Then, the fennel and onion risotto - oh! Oh, oh, oh. Wonderful. Lots of basil, some white wine, more duck broth, and toward the end (after a couple hours of reducing), shredded Italian hard cheeses (asagio, romano, parmesan) and some peas. Mm. Yummy. Not to mention the handy food processor again. :)
Plus, there's enough risotto left over to have for the next time the college kids come over for dinner and cards. I have this big hunk of uncooked veal in the freezer left over from Grandma's Christmas dinner to use up, so .. they will get a pretty nice dinner, indeed.
If I can figure out what to do with the veal. Never worked with it before. Hm. Suggestions from the readership are welcome.
Packer loss yesterday notwithstanding.. it felt good to get back in the kitchen again. It sure is fun, especially when it comes out right. :)
Monday, January 21, 2008
Day off today - to read and contemplate
My new employer takes MLK, Jr. day as a holiday, so.. I'm using it to catch up on reading for TS502. Well needed time, too! I have a paper due in 8 days on a book I hadn't begun before this morning, and so.. I can really use it!
The assigned book is what I quoted from at the bottom of the post just prior, in case you're wondering what the inspiration was for the focus on those who are marginalized. Yeah.. it's not just me. :)
Although.. I may have fit in one or two of those categories at one point, or even.. in my worst moments.. participated myself in the continuing marginalization of some of the others. :(
(that was the point, I guess.)
Actually it's probably a pretty appropriate day to meditate on these things, given whose life the day honors..
So anyway.. I'll be glad when this paper is behind me, and I can get on to something more uplifting, like.. the doctrine of sin.
The assigned book is what I quoted from at the bottom of the post just prior, in case you're wondering what the inspiration was for the focus on those who are marginalized. Yeah.. it's not just me. :)
Although.. I may have fit in one or two of those categories at one point, or even.. in my worst moments.. participated myself in the continuing marginalization of some of the others. :(
(that was the point, I guess.)
Actually it's probably a pretty appropriate day to meditate on these things, given whose life the day honors..
So anyway.. I'll be glad when this paper is behind me, and I can get on to something more uplifting, like.. the doctrine of sin.
unwanted
.
cleanup aisle one
what to do if no one comes
you just step around
homeless on the street
don't acknowledge that they're there
they'll leave you alone
on a clearance rack
last year's colors last year's style
who would wear these now
disability
makes me feel uncomfortable
look the other way
lover pushed aside
can't you see that i've moved on
it's not you it's me
market focus changed
business isn't personal
you'll land on your feet
marginalizing
happens in life all the time
how do I respond
.
"Every concrete Christian community had the privilege and obligation to reflect on the meaning of its faith. No matter how many excellent christologies there might be in the world, it was no excuse for the local community not to work out its own expression of who Christ is and what he is doing in their midst.
"And it was precisely the marginated of every socio-political group who were in the privileged position of being most closely similar to the poor at the time of Christ. They were the first ones to hear his word, to be converted to him and his way, and to begin preaching a new alternative to the world.
"Jesus' identification with the most rejected of society and his love for them is one of the greatest constants of his ministry: it appears throughout the gospels and continues in the tradition of the church. Love and concern for the poor, the disfavored, and the oppressed of society is one of the most fundamental activities of the Christian group."
----- Virgilio Elizondo, Galilean Journey: The Mexican-American Promise
cleanup aisle one
what to do if no one comes
you just step around
homeless on the street
don't acknowledge that they're there
they'll leave you alone
on a clearance rack
last year's colors last year's style
who would wear these now
disability
makes me feel uncomfortable
look the other way
lover pushed aside
can't you see that i've moved on
it's not you it's me
market focus changed
business isn't personal
you'll land on your feet
marginalizing
happens in life all the time
how do I respond
.
"Every concrete Christian community had the privilege and obligation to reflect on the meaning of its faith. No matter how many excellent christologies there might be in the world, it was no excuse for the local community not to work out its own expression of who Christ is and what he is doing in their midst.
"And it was precisely the marginated of every socio-political group who were in the privileged position of being most closely similar to the poor at the time of Christ. They were the first ones to hear his word, to be converted to him and his way, and to begin preaching a new alternative to the world.
"Jesus' identification with the most rejected of society and his love for them is one of the greatest constants of his ministry: it appears throughout the gospels and continues in the tradition of the church. Love and concern for the poor, the disfavored, and the oppressed of society is one of the most fundamental activities of the Christian group."
----- Virgilio Elizondo, Galilean Journey: The Mexican-American Promise
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Real Love, Part 2
"You think she's the one, Don?"
"You mean the one? The one and only?"
"Yeah, " he confirms.
"No."
"I guess that's why you broke up with her."
"Yeah. I guess." The sweat on my legs and arms is beginning to chill. I'm wishing for a jacket or a sweatshirt. "You know, Paul, " I start, "I think she was going to break up with me anyway."
"What makes you say that?"
"Little things. She would say little things. Do little things. I don't think she was really into it."
"How long did you two date?"
"Not long."
"How long?"
"About six months or so."
"That's pretty long. Some folks figure it all out in that amount of time."
"I really liked her, you know. She just wasn't in it. I think I dropped the bomb first. But she was about to do it anyway."
That last sentence is said with tenderness. As if to release some small ache. Paul's expression gives sympathy. But he doesn't know it is more the pain in my legs than the pain in my chest that is causing this melancholy. Kristin is Kristin. A beautiful girl. I miss her, I guess. But she and I were never meant to be. She was in between boyfriends and too pretty to go without. I was there like a number in a bakery. She pulled the ticket, glanced at it, and waited to exchange me for some loaf of bread or cake or pie or feeling that she was beautiful. But I gave her the slip. Came right out of her hands before she could claim the prize and I bet you, I bet you a million dollars, she doesn't even remember that number. She'll just pull another ticket, glance at it, and wait for them to call out her number. She won't remember the things I said and won't realize I had never said them to another girl. She'd heard them all before and it all ran together like bad poetry. You could see it in her eyes when I talked to her. You could hear it in the way she said thank you when I complimented her dress or the color of her eyes.
It's funny how you think you need something but you really don't. I mean I remember feeling like if I didn't have this girl I was going to die. But I am not dead, and I feel fine, and I think half the time when I like some girl I am really looking for some kind of redemption, some kind of feeling that I matter or am valuable or am needed, and I don't think there is a problem with that, but if just makes you realize how much we use each other sometimes.
I heard once that real love doesn't ask what is in it for me; it just gives unconditionally. It just tries to take the weight out of somebody else's pack, lessen [the] load, and if it gets reciprocated, that's great, but that isn't what you did it for. It makes me wonder if real love, not the crap we trade on the street, but real love, longtime ... love, is another metaphor. I mean, I was thinking about it the other day and I couldn't think of a purpose for love in terms of Darwinian mechanisms. It seems like there is a reason for sex, for lust and all of that, but what about love? How does love, like beauty and light, help the Darwinian process? And I wondered if love itself, the real thing ... wasn't another metaphor for God.
----- excerpt from Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller
"You mean the one? The one and only?"
"Yeah, " he confirms.
"No."
"I guess that's why you broke up with her."
"Yeah. I guess." The sweat on my legs and arms is beginning to chill. I'm wishing for a jacket or a sweatshirt. "You know, Paul, " I start, "I think she was going to break up with me anyway."
"What makes you say that?"
"Little things. She would say little things. Do little things. I don't think she was really into it."
"How long did you two date?"
"Not long."
"How long?"
"About six months or so."
"That's pretty long. Some folks figure it all out in that amount of time."
"I really liked her, you know. She just wasn't in it. I think I dropped the bomb first. But she was about to do it anyway."
That last sentence is said with tenderness. As if to release some small ache. Paul's expression gives sympathy. But he doesn't know it is more the pain in my legs than the pain in my chest that is causing this melancholy. Kristin is Kristin. A beautiful girl. I miss her, I guess. But she and I were never meant to be. She was in between boyfriends and too pretty to go without. I was there like a number in a bakery. She pulled the ticket, glanced at it, and waited to exchange me for some loaf of bread or cake or pie or feeling that she was beautiful. But I gave her the slip. Came right out of her hands before she could claim the prize and I bet you, I bet you a million dollars, she doesn't even remember that number. She'll just pull another ticket, glance at it, and wait for them to call out her number. She won't remember the things I said and won't realize I had never said them to another girl. She'd heard them all before and it all ran together like bad poetry. You could see it in her eyes when I talked to her. You could hear it in the way she said thank you when I complimented her dress or the color of her eyes.
It's funny how you think you need something but you really don't. I mean I remember feeling like if I didn't have this girl I was going to die. But I am not dead, and I feel fine, and I think half the time when I like some girl I am really looking for some kind of redemption, some kind of feeling that I matter or am valuable or am needed, and I don't think there is a problem with that, but if just makes you realize how much we use each other sometimes.
I heard once that real love doesn't ask what is in it for me; it just gives unconditionally. It just tries to take the weight out of somebody else's pack, lessen [the] load, and if it gets reciprocated, that's great, but that isn't what you did it for. It makes me wonder if real love, not the crap we trade on the street, but real love, longtime ... love, is another metaphor. I mean, I was thinking about it the other day and I couldn't think of a purpose for love in terms of Darwinian mechanisms. It seems like there is a reason for sex, for lust and all of that, but what about love? How does love, like beauty and light, help the Darwinian process? And I wondered if love itself, the real thing ... wasn't another metaphor for God.
----- excerpt from Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller
Real Love
All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream.
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for you.
Just like little girls and boys
Playing with their little toys.
Seems like all they really were doing
Was waiting for love.
Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone
It's real love,
Yes it's real love.
Oh it's real love,
Yes it's real love.
From this moment on I know
Exactly where my life will go.
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for love.
Don't need to be afraid
No need to be afraid
It's real love,
Yes it's real love.
Oh it's real love,
Yes it's real love.
Thought I'd been in love before,
But in my heart I wanted more.
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you.
Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone
It's real love,
Yes it's real love.
Oh it's real love,
Yes it's real love.
Oh it's real love,
Yes it's real love.
Oh it's real love,
Yes it's real love.
---- Regina Spektor (covering John Lennon)
Lost like some forgotten dream.
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for you.
Just like little girls and boys
Playing with their little toys.
Seems like all they really were doing
Was waiting for love.
Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone
It's real love,
Yes it's real love.
Oh it's real love,
Yes it's real love.
From this moment on I know
Exactly where my life will go.
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for love.
Don't need to be afraid
No need to be afraid
It's real love,
Yes it's real love.
Oh it's real love,
Yes it's real love.
Thought I'd been in love before,
But in my heart I wanted more.
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you.
Don't need to be alone
No need to be alone
It's real love,
Yes it's real love.
Oh it's real love,
Yes it's real love.
Oh it's real love,
Yes it's real love.
Oh it's real love,
Yes it's real love.
---- Regina Spektor (covering John Lennon)
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Cry Out
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering
When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry out to Jesus
To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus,
Cry out to Jesus
----- Words by Mac Powell / Music by Third Day
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering
When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry out to Jesus
To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus,
Cry out to Jesus
----- Words by Mac Powell / Music by Third Day
Ever have one of those days..
where you wish you could just snap your fingers and.. disappear?
So the earth would have no record of your existence?
So you (by just being you) would never be a problem for anyone again?
And the only place you'd live, then, would be in the minds and hearts of those who really love you..
I feel like that sometimes. :(
So the earth would have no record of your existence?
So you (by just being you) would never be a problem for anyone again?
And the only place you'd live, then, would be in the minds and hearts of those who really love you..
I feel like that sometimes. :(
Friday, January 18, 2008
Natural Law
"The 'Catechism of the Catholic Church' sums up well the central content of the doctrine on natural moral law, pointing out that it 'states the first and essential precepts which govern the moral life. It hinges upon the desire for God and submission to him, who is the source and judge of all that is good, as well as upon the sense that the other is one's equal. Its principal precepts are expressed in the Decalogue. This law is called "natural," not in reference to the nature of irrational beings, but because reason which decrees it properly belongs to human nature' (No. 1955).
"With this doctrine, two essential goals are reached: On the one hand, it is understood that the ethical content of the Christian faith does not constitute an imposition dictated to the human conscience from the outside but a norm inherent in human nature itself; on the other hand, on the basis of natural law, in itself accessible to any rational creature, with this doctrine the foundations are laid to enter into dialogue with all people of good will and more generally with civil and secular society.
"Yet, precisely because of the influence of cultural and ideological factors, today's civil and secular society is found to be in a state of bewilderment and confusion: it has lost the original evidence of the roots of the human being and his ethical behavior.
"Furthermore, the doctrine of natural moral law conflicts with other concepts that are a direct denial of it. All this has far-reaching, serious consequences on the civil and social order."
"Today, a positivist conception of law seems to dominate many thinkers. They claim that humanity or society or indeed the majority of citizens is becoming the ultimate source of civil law. The problem that arises is not, therefore, the search for good but the search for power, or rather, how to balance powers.
"At the root of this trend is ethical relativism, which some even see as one of the principal conditions for democracy, since relativism is supposed to guarantee tolerance of and reciprocal respect for people. But if this were so, the majority of a moment would become the ultimate source of law.
"History very clearly shows that most people can err. True rationality is not guaranteed by the consensus of a large number, but solely by the transparency of human reason to creative reason and by listening together to this source of our rationality.
"When the fundamental requirements of human dignity, of human life, of the family institution, of a fair social order, in other words, basic human rights, are at stake, no law devised by human beings can subvert the law that the Creator has engraved on the human heart without the indispensable foundations of society itself being dramatically affected.
"Natural law thus becomes the true guarantee offered to each one in order that he may live in freedom, have his dignity respected and be protected from all ideological manipulation and every kind of arbitrary use or abuse by the stronger.
"No one can ignore this appeal. If, by tragically blotting out the collective conscience, skepticism and ethical relativism were to succeed in deleting the fundamental principles of the natural moral law, the foundations of the democratic order itself would be radically damaged."
"To prevent this obscuring, which is a crisis of human civilization even before it is a Christian one, all consciences of people of good will, of lay persons and also of the members of the different Christian denominations, must be mobilized so that they may engage, together and effectively, in order to create the necessary conditions for the inalienable value of the natural moral law in culture and in civil and political society to be fully understood.
"Indeed, on respect for this natural moral law depends the advance of individuals and society on the path of authentic progress in conformity with right reason, which is participation in the eternal reason of God."
----- Pope Benedict XVI spoke these words last Oct. 5 to the International Theological Commission
"With this doctrine, two essential goals are reached: On the one hand, it is understood that the ethical content of the Christian faith does not constitute an imposition dictated to the human conscience from the outside but a norm inherent in human nature itself; on the other hand, on the basis of natural law, in itself accessible to any rational creature, with this doctrine the foundations are laid to enter into dialogue with all people of good will and more generally with civil and secular society.
"Yet, precisely because of the influence of cultural and ideological factors, today's civil and secular society is found to be in a state of bewilderment and confusion: it has lost the original evidence of the roots of the human being and his ethical behavior.
"Furthermore, the doctrine of natural moral law conflicts with other concepts that are a direct denial of it. All this has far-reaching, serious consequences on the civil and social order."
"Today, a positivist conception of law seems to dominate many thinkers. They claim that humanity or society or indeed the majority of citizens is becoming the ultimate source of civil law. The problem that arises is not, therefore, the search for good but the search for power, or rather, how to balance powers.
"At the root of this trend is ethical relativism, which some even see as one of the principal conditions for democracy, since relativism is supposed to guarantee tolerance of and reciprocal respect for people. But if this were so, the majority of a moment would become the ultimate source of law.
"History very clearly shows that most people can err. True rationality is not guaranteed by the consensus of a large number, but solely by the transparency of human reason to creative reason and by listening together to this source of our rationality.
"When the fundamental requirements of human dignity, of human life, of the family institution, of a fair social order, in other words, basic human rights, are at stake, no law devised by human beings can subvert the law that the Creator has engraved on the human heart without the indispensable foundations of society itself being dramatically affected.
"Natural law thus becomes the true guarantee offered to each one in order that he may live in freedom, have his dignity respected and be protected from all ideological manipulation and every kind of arbitrary use or abuse by the stronger.
"No one can ignore this appeal. If, by tragically blotting out the collective conscience, skepticism and ethical relativism were to succeed in deleting the fundamental principles of the natural moral law, the foundations of the democratic order itself would be radically damaged."
"To prevent this obscuring, which is a crisis of human civilization even before it is a Christian one, all consciences of people of good will, of lay persons and also of the members of the different Christian denominations, must be mobilized so that they may engage, together and effectively, in order to create the necessary conditions for the inalienable value of the natural moral law in culture and in civil and political society to be fully understood.
"Indeed, on respect for this natural moral law depends the advance of individuals and society on the path of authentic progress in conformity with right reason, which is participation in the eternal reason of God."
----- Pope Benedict XVI spoke these words last Oct. 5 to the International Theological Commission
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Christ be in your senses
The Rite of Welcome on Sunday was so rich and good. Each of us in the RCIA process were welcomed as catechumen, preparing our hearts and minds for full communion at Easter Vigil.
They blessed our senses. :) Prayed that Christ would inhabit and transform our senses. And for me.. a sensualist of the first rank.. it was just what I needed.
I've written about my senses before, and the frustration I have felt at not being able to reach God with them. Somehow Catholics understand this idea, and work hard at reaching all our senses in worship, with aromas, images, words/music, eating/drinking, and posture/touch.
To them (and perhaps in a way, beginning to be so with me), God is a God who understands, appeals to, and communicates with, our senses. My hope is that, through this process, my senses can finally become useful not just for interacting with people and the world around me, but in my apprehending and interacting with God as well.
And as our sponsors were making the sign of the cross on our forehead, over our eyes, ears, lips, heart.. and my cheeks were becoming wet with tears.. this song was being sung by the people:
Christ be in your senses, marked with sacred sign;
In the Incarnation, flesh became divine.
Christ be in your hearing, tune you to rejoice;
In each shout or whisper, hear God's calling voice.
Christ will be your strength!
Learn to know and follow Him.
Christ be in your vision, guard you day and night;
Keep your feet from stumbling, shine God's holy light.
Christ be in your speaking, train your every word;
In your daily witness let God's truth be heard.
Christ will be your strength!
Learn to know and follow Him.
Christ be in your breathing; constantly impart
Grace to every movement, peace within your heart.
Christ be in your senses, marked with sacred sign;
In the Spirit's presence, flesh becomes divine.
Christ will be your strength!
Learn to know and follow Him.
Amen! I can't imagine a better blessing.. for a guy like me. :)
They blessed our senses. :) Prayed that Christ would inhabit and transform our senses. And for me.. a sensualist of the first rank.. it was just what I needed.
I've written about my senses before, and the frustration I have felt at not being able to reach God with them. Somehow Catholics understand this idea, and work hard at reaching all our senses in worship, with aromas, images, words/music, eating/drinking, and posture/touch.
To them (and perhaps in a way, beginning to be so with me), God is a God who understands, appeals to, and communicates with, our senses. My hope is that, through this process, my senses can finally become useful not just for interacting with people and the world around me, but in my apprehending and interacting with God as well.
And as our sponsors were making the sign of the cross on our forehead, over our eyes, ears, lips, heart.. and my cheeks were becoming wet with tears.. this song was being sung by the people:
Christ be in your senses, marked with sacred sign;
In the Incarnation, flesh became divine.
Christ be in your hearing, tune you to rejoice;
In each shout or whisper, hear God's calling voice.
Christ will be your strength!
Learn to know and follow Him.
Christ be in your vision, guard you day and night;
Keep your feet from stumbling, shine God's holy light.
Christ be in your speaking, train your every word;
In your daily witness let God's truth be heard.
Christ will be your strength!
Learn to know and follow Him.
Christ be in your breathing; constantly impart
Grace to every movement, peace within your heart.
Christ be in your senses, marked with sacred sign;
In the Spirit's presence, flesh becomes divine.
Christ will be your strength!
Learn to know and follow Him.
Amen! I can't imagine a better blessing.. for a guy like me. :)
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
She
She may be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
She may be the song the summer sings
May be the chill the autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day
She may be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem inside her shell
She who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so crowded and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She may be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
But I'll remember till the day I die
She may be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough in many years
Me, I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is she
She
She
----- Elvis Costello
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
She may be the song the summer sings
May be the chill the autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day
She may be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem inside her shell
She who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so crowded and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She may be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
But I'll remember till the day I die
She may be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough in many years
Me, I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is she
She
She
----- Elvis Costello
Music Reviews: The Pogues, Gorillaz, Daft Punk, Elvis Costello, etc.
Part 2 of the music the kiddies brought back at Christmas for daddy. :)
The Pogues - "Hell's Ditch", "Pogue Mahone", "Red Roses For Me", "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash": Whooo.. 4 CDs to review? Well.. I'll shorten it up, including the album titles (via acronyms). These span from 1984 (RRFM) through 1995 (PM), so it's a range of their work.
I like these guys partly because they are in between Flogging Molly (who are more celtic punk) and Runrig (who are more ethnic folk) - they're a nice blend. And.. their sound is pretty consistent across the albums (including the other two I have - If I Should Fall From Grace With God, and Waiting For Herb, which I may have reviewed elsewhere..) You can depend on them to sound decent all the time. And it's pretty mellow and chill music a lot of the time. Not too frenetic for background. :)
Favorites: from HD, House of the Gods, Madrin Rain, Six To Go. From PM, Living In A World Without Her, Bright Lights, When The Ship Comes In, Where That Love's Been Gone, Love You To The End (also featured in movie - P.S. I Love You). From RS&L, A Pair of Brown Eyes, London Girl, Rainy Night In Soho. From (RRFM), The Battle of Brisbane, Boys From The County Hell, Dark Streets Of London. Two thumbs up for the PM CD - it's good from start to finish - one thumb up for the others.
Gorillaz - "Demon Days": I'm not sure what this is, exactly. Is it rap? Is it dance? Electronica? Alternative? Pop? Obscura (a'la Decemberists)? All of these, I think. There's even a dramatic reading.. "Fire Coming Out Of The Monkey's Head" which is like a fairy tale set to music. Hm. I don't get this group at all. I do like some tracks, like the title track, "Don't Get Lost In Heaven", "Dare", but not others (White Light, November Has Come, Feel Good Inc.) It's a puzzler.. one thumb tentatively up.
Daft Punk - "Homework": House/funk/electro/techno.. yeah, whatever. As the title implies, it's study music. :) Keeps me awake on long nights reading about human origins or pneumatology. Some songs are a bit too.. space-y? for my tastes. (Ex: Burnin') ) I mean, I thought space noises went the way of the Moog Synthesizer and the Apollo program: mothballs and museums, man.. and some are tough to study to because of endlessly looped words (ex: Oh Yeah) I'd prefer more beats & bass and less words & squeakage. Favorites: Alive, Rock 'n Roll, High Fidelity, Phoenix, Da Funk. One thumb up. :)
Elvis Costello - "The Very Best of": This best-of double-CD runs from 1977 to 1999. As I listened in chronological order, I sure wound up liking his later stuff much better than his early stuff. The early material sounds a bit Billy Joel-ish at times, but without the chops to pull it off. But later.. oh yeah. :) His songwriting matures and his material works better with his voice and band. See his collaborative work with Diana Krall on her "The Girl In The Other Room" CD for more. Favorites: She (great song), So Like Candy, Tramp The Dirt Down, Indoor Fireworks, Almost Blue, I Want You. One thumb up.. for the second of the two CDs. :)
Coming up next time.. Milosh, K-OS, Psapp, Zoe Keating, more..
The Pogues - "Hell's Ditch", "Pogue Mahone", "Red Roses For Me", "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash": Whooo.. 4 CDs to review? Well.. I'll shorten it up, including the album titles (via acronyms). These span from 1984 (RRFM) through 1995 (PM), so it's a range of their work.
I like these guys partly because they are in between Flogging Molly (who are more celtic punk) and Runrig (who are more ethnic folk) - they're a nice blend. And.. their sound is pretty consistent across the albums (including the other two I have - If I Should Fall From Grace With God, and Waiting For Herb, which I may have reviewed elsewhere..) You can depend on them to sound decent all the time. And it's pretty mellow and chill music a lot of the time. Not too frenetic for background. :)
Favorites: from HD, House of the Gods, Madrin Rain, Six To Go. From PM, Living In A World Without Her, Bright Lights, When The Ship Comes In, Where That Love's Been Gone, Love You To The End (also featured in movie - P.S. I Love You). From RS&L, A Pair of Brown Eyes, London Girl, Rainy Night In Soho. From (RRFM), The Battle of Brisbane, Boys From The County Hell, Dark Streets Of London. Two thumbs up for the PM CD - it's good from start to finish - one thumb up for the others.
Gorillaz - "Demon Days": I'm not sure what this is, exactly. Is it rap? Is it dance? Electronica? Alternative? Pop? Obscura (a'la Decemberists)? All of these, I think. There's even a dramatic reading.. "Fire Coming Out Of The Monkey's Head" which is like a fairy tale set to music. Hm. I don't get this group at all. I do like some tracks, like the title track, "Don't Get Lost In Heaven", "Dare", but not others (White Light, November Has Come, Feel Good Inc.) It's a puzzler.. one thumb tentatively up.
Daft Punk - "Homework": House/funk/electro/techno.. yeah, whatever. As the title implies, it's study music. :) Keeps me awake on long nights reading about human origins or pneumatology. Some songs are a bit too.. space-y? for my tastes. (Ex: Burnin') ) I mean, I thought space noises went the way of the Moog Synthesizer and the Apollo program: mothballs and museums, man.. and some are tough to study to because of endlessly looped words (ex: Oh Yeah) I'd prefer more beats & bass and less words & squeakage. Favorites: Alive, Rock 'n Roll, High Fidelity, Phoenix, Da Funk. One thumb up. :)
Elvis Costello - "The Very Best of": This best-of double-CD runs from 1977 to 1999. As I listened in chronological order, I sure wound up liking his later stuff much better than his early stuff. The early material sounds a bit Billy Joel-ish at times, but without the chops to pull it off. But later.. oh yeah. :) His songwriting matures and his material works better with his voice and band. See his collaborative work with Diana Krall on her "The Girl In The Other Room" CD for more. Favorites: She (great song), So Like Candy, Tramp The Dirt Down, Indoor Fireworks, Almost Blue, I Want You. One thumb up.. for the second of the two CDs. :)
Coming up next time.. Milosh, K-OS, Psapp, Zoe Keating, more..
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Viability
my new buzzword. :)
Dr. Shrinkwrap said last week that what I should shoot for now is to start moving from dealing with all the negatives (losses, hurts, disappointments) in my life, to building toward a life that I can increasingly view as viable.
This came up in the context of how the new job is going, and as I discussed it with him, I labeled it as: still nothing really enjoyable, but fewer anxieties about it with every month that goes by. Working from home is good, and the travel to KC seems to be manageable. He said "are you starting to view the job as something you can live with over the longer term horizon? something that won't be so discouraging such that you dread each day?"
And yeah.. I think I can see it that way. :) It's alright. I get nothing out of it personally or vocationally, certainly have no "pride in career" left in me at all, and steadfastly refuse to get involved with the company at any level of emotional interest. It's give them their money's worth (maybe a little more), and leave it at that. No expectations for the future other than a day's pay for a day's work.
Is that viable? I suppose so.
So we went on from there to other areas of life. Are other things viable as they are? If not, can you see how they might get there? What you could add or subtract, area by area, to get that area to viability?
He said that if I can see the major areas of my life as viable, then contentment will not seem far off. And as contentment draws nearer.. joy is also closer at hand.
Small steps in that direction is all that's needed - a little at a time. Slow and steady progress.
We talked a bit about some quality-of-life things I've decided to shoot for in this new year, just for my own well-being (and no, they are NOT mostly materialistic.) He was very pleased, and said that it sounded like I was beginning to value myself a little more.. to want to make little improvements like these.
Maybe so.
Maybe it's part of trying to see the circumstances of my life as becoming more viable. Maybe it's trying to see *myself* becoming more viable as a human being, too, instead of how I've appeared to myself in recent years (which is far from that..)
But what it's *not* is a phony propped up "feel good" campaign about myself. It needs to be based on reality, not just my perception. I can fool myself as much as the next guy - or more. And there'll be none of that, thanks.
Hopefully, what there will be.. is a genuine viability to life. And to this human being I call me.
Dr. Shrinkwrap said last week that what I should shoot for now is to start moving from dealing with all the negatives (losses, hurts, disappointments) in my life, to building toward a life that I can increasingly view as viable.
This came up in the context of how the new job is going, and as I discussed it with him, I labeled it as: still nothing really enjoyable, but fewer anxieties about it with every month that goes by. Working from home is good, and the travel to KC seems to be manageable. He said "are you starting to view the job as something you can live with over the longer term horizon? something that won't be so discouraging such that you dread each day?"
And yeah.. I think I can see it that way. :) It's alright. I get nothing out of it personally or vocationally, certainly have no "pride in career" left in me at all, and steadfastly refuse to get involved with the company at any level of emotional interest. It's give them their money's worth (maybe a little more), and leave it at that. No expectations for the future other than a day's pay for a day's work.
Is that viable? I suppose so.
So we went on from there to other areas of life. Are other things viable as they are? If not, can you see how they might get there? What you could add or subtract, area by area, to get that area to viability?
He said that if I can see the major areas of my life as viable, then contentment will not seem far off. And as contentment draws nearer.. joy is also closer at hand.
Small steps in that direction is all that's needed - a little at a time. Slow and steady progress.
We talked a bit about some quality-of-life things I've decided to shoot for in this new year, just for my own well-being (and no, they are NOT mostly materialistic.) He was very pleased, and said that it sounded like I was beginning to value myself a little more.. to want to make little improvements like these.
Maybe so.
Maybe it's part of trying to see the circumstances of my life as becoming more viable. Maybe it's trying to see *myself* becoming more viable as a human being, too, instead of how I've appeared to myself in recent years (which is far from that..)
But what it's *not* is a phony propped up "feel good" campaign about myself. It needs to be based on reality, not just my perception. I can fool myself as much as the next guy - or more. And there'll be none of that, thanks.
Hopefully, what there will be.. is a genuine viability to life. And to this human being I call me.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Lambeau in January, pt 2.
Whoo boy, what a game and what a day!
Some pretty interesting fans turned out for this one.
The atmosphere was festive. :)
And of course the weather was perfect for football..
that is, if you were indoors. :)
And to think they'll be there again next weekend. What will it be this time? The Ice Bowl 2?
Well.. I'll be watching it on TV. It was way too good an opportunity to recover my costs. I sold my tickets for next week's game within 15 minutes of listing them on eBay today, for well over double my cost. So Saturday's game.. was free! :)
Now that's January in Lambeau at its best!
Some pretty interesting fans turned out for this one.
The atmosphere was festive. :)
And of course the weather was perfect for football..
that is, if you were indoors. :)
And to think they'll be there again next weekend. What will it be this time? The Ice Bowl 2?
Well.. I'll be watching it on TV. It was way too good an opportunity to recover my costs. I sold my tickets for next week's game within 15 minutes of listing them on eBay today, for well over double my cost. So Saturday's game.. was free! :)
Now that's January in Lambeau at its best!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Ahh... Lambeau in January
I suppose it's like Wrigley in July. :) Nothing else like it.
Let's see.. it's gametime in, what?
6 hours!
But before I grab a quick shower, throw on my Packer shirt, and hop in the car, I thought I could illustrate game day weather in Green Bay:
Yup, the fans have cleared the snow off the benches, and it'll be 26 degress and cloudy today. Ahh.. perfect shirtsleeve weather. Especially when you're inside, two rows from the glass, with your brat in hand and a beer in the cupholder, rally towel laid nicely in your lap just to add a little elegance to the setting. ;)
Oh.. the last picture? Top row, just right of center. Be sure to wave!
Let's see.. it's gametime in, what?
6 hours!
But before I grab a quick shower, throw on my Packer shirt, and hop in the car, I thought I could illustrate game day weather in Green Bay:
Yup, the fans have cleared the snow off the benches, and it'll be 26 degress and cloudy today. Ahh.. perfect shirtsleeve weather. Especially when you're inside, two rows from the glass, with your brat in hand and a beer in the cupholder, rally towel laid nicely in your lap just to add a little elegance to the setting. ;)
Oh.. the last picture? Top row, just right of center. Be sure to wave!
Friday, January 11, 2008
Concert!
What a great night out this was! :)
Dinner at the Loring Pasta Bar in Dinkytown,
followed by the Bird and the Bee playing
at the Varsity Theatre around the corner.
The food was great, the ambience unique, the venue hip, the people-watching interesting, and the performers talented & capable.
The opener (Charlie Wadhams) was nearly as good as the headliner, too. Singer/songwriter with solo guitar and one helper on percussion and backup vocal. Together they sort of reminded me both visually and aurally, of Art Garfunkel and Paul Simon, if you switched the voices, talent, and instruments. :) Picked up his CD, "Free Up Your Schedule". Two thumbs up!
But for the life of me I can't understand how the bands decide when to play. There must be a system, but I don't get it. Line forms at 7, doors open at 8, opening act 9ish (plays for 30 min), headliner 10ish (plays for 50 min)... nearly 4 hours of "being out", but less than 90 minutes of music. Hm.
At least the tickets were cheap. :)
Dinner at the Loring Pasta Bar in Dinkytown,
followed by the Bird and the Bee playing
at the Varsity Theatre around the corner.
The food was great, the ambience unique, the venue hip, the people-watching interesting, and the performers talented & capable.
The opener (Charlie Wadhams) was nearly as good as the headliner, too. Singer/songwriter with solo guitar and one helper on percussion and backup vocal. Together they sort of reminded me both visually and aurally, of Art Garfunkel and Paul Simon, if you switched the voices, talent, and instruments. :) Picked up his CD, "Free Up Your Schedule". Two thumbs up!
But for the life of me I can't understand how the bands decide when to play. There must be a system, but I don't get it. Line forms at 7, doors open at 8, opening act 9ish (plays for 30 min), headliner 10ish (plays for 50 min)... nearly 4 hours of "being out", but less than 90 minutes of music. Hm.
At least the tickets were cheap. :)
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Music Reviews: Andy McKee, Tiger Army, Interpol, Flogging Molly, etc.
The next couple of editions of music review are going to be devoted to the stuff J1 & J2 brought back with them over Christmas for Dad to upload. :) Aww.. I feel loved.
Andy McKee - "Art of Motion" & "The Gates of Gnomeria": What great ambient guitar music this is. I'm not sure if it's better to call it folk (as in the guitar playing of Iron & Wine), or jazz (as in the guitar playing of Frank Vignola), or.. what? Whatever you call it, it's cool! :) And the way the guy plays is so unorthodox and bizzare, it's fascinating to watch. Both CDs are similar in sound, and there are no bad tracks at all, anywhere. They're great for studying, for sleeping (as J2 uses them), for chilling.. two thumb up. If I only had more thumbs...
Tiger Army - "III: Ghost Tigers Rise" & "Music From Regions Beyond": What the heck *is* this stuff? Alternative Country? Psychobilly? Surf Punk? You got me. ;) But I like it! Both iTunes and fan postings sometimes lament the band sounding a bit more commercial on their latest releases (these two), but for someone like me, I think that simply means they are more approachable and have won a new fan. :) The latter of the two is the more approachable for a newcomer.
Both CDs begin with a prologue which flows into the next track and that, I guess, sets the tone for the rest of the CD. A lot of the songs sound similar, with slap bass, chord bending at the end of phrases, and drums less focused on the bass kick than on rim shots and toms. The lead vocal is clean and easy to listen to (read: the occasional shout, but no screaming), but still has an edge to it at times. Very few ballads, most songs are uptempo and danceable.. if one dances to these things. Let's just say one *could*. :) Favorites: Ghostfire (GTR), Rose of the Devil's Garden (GTR), Forever Fades Away (MFRB), Pain (MFRB), As The Cold Rain Falls (MFRB), Where The Moss Slowly Grows (MFRB). But all tracks were okay, really. One thumb up for the first CD, two for the second. :)
Interpol - "Antics" & "The Black EP": iTunes and Amazon describe these guys as New Wave, Post Punk (similar to: The Strokes, Arcade Fire, The Postal Service, Bloc Party, Modest Mouse.) Um.. okay. I think I get that. But I also think they create a sound that's a little more atmospheric and layered than those other bands, sort of like R.E.M. and Radiohead do. Mostly, though.. I just like them. :) The Black EP has some live tracks on it, which I normally don't go in for, but these are not too bad - the crowd sound is filtered. Favorites: from "Antics" - Next Exit, Narc, Evil, Length Of Love; from "Black" - just NYC (Demo). Two thumbs up for Antics, one for Black.
Flogging Molly - "Within A Mile Of Home": Celtic-punk? Uhmm, I guess so. That's as good as any descriptor, I guess. They're not *too* punk, though, and maybe not as ethnic-sounding as The Pogues, either. More like The Frames with an occasional fiddle, tin whistle or accordion. :) Of course every once in a while (e.g. Tomorrow Comes A Day Too Soon) they sound sort of .. cajun. Go figure.
They do sing in English, as opposed to Runrig, another celtic rock band, whose CD I picked up in Glasgow when I was there 18 months ago now, and which I really enjoy. Flogging Molly can get a little frenetic.. like one of those songs where you start dancing in a circle and they keep increasing the tempo until you're whirling around and getting dizzy. Some of their songs are dizzying, they're so fast (e.g. The Seven Deadly Sins, To Youth.)
So yeah, kind of fun. If you like Celtic-influenced music, which I do. When you listen you can feel where American Bluegrass came from, but never grew beyond, either. This is a pretty good album all around, with a nice balance of songs, although I would have liked a few more ballads. Favorites: Whistle The Wind, The Wanderlust, Factory Girls. Plus, there's a really appealing song of theirs, "If I Ever Leave This World Alive", on the soundtrack album to the movie P.S. I Love You (now in theatres, gang!) One thumb up for the reviewed CD. it just tires me out to listen.. ;)
Andy McKee - "Art of Motion" & "The Gates of Gnomeria": What great ambient guitar music this is. I'm not sure if it's better to call it folk (as in the guitar playing of Iron & Wine), or jazz (as in the guitar playing of Frank Vignola), or.. what? Whatever you call it, it's cool! :) And the way the guy plays is so unorthodox and bizzare, it's fascinating to watch. Both CDs are similar in sound, and there are no bad tracks at all, anywhere. They're great for studying, for sleeping (as J2 uses them), for chilling.. two thumb up. If I only had more thumbs...
Tiger Army - "III: Ghost Tigers Rise" & "Music From Regions Beyond": What the heck *is* this stuff? Alternative Country? Psychobilly? Surf Punk? You got me. ;) But I like it! Both iTunes and fan postings sometimes lament the band sounding a bit more commercial on their latest releases (these two), but for someone like me, I think that simply means they are more approachable and have won a new fan. :) The latter of the two is the more approachable for a newcomer.
Both CDs begin with a prologue which flows into the next track and that, I guess, sets the tone for the rest of the CD. A lot of the songs sound similar, with slap bass, chord bending at the end of phrases, and drums less focused on the bass kick than on rim shots and toms. The lead vocal is clean and easy to listen to (read: the occasional shout, but no screaming), but still has an edge to it at times. Very few ballads, most songs are uptempo and danceable.. if one dances to these things. Let's just say one *could*. :) Favorites: Ghostfire (GTR), Rose of the Devil's Garden (GTR), Forever Fades Away (MFRB), Pain (MFRB), As The Cold Rain Falls (MFRB), Where The Moss Slowly Grows (MFRB). But all tracks were okay, really. One thumb up for the first CD, two for the second. :)
Interpol - "Antics" & "The Black EP": iTunes and Amazon describe these guys as New Wave, Post Punk (similar to: The Strokes, Arcade Fire, The Postal Service, Bloc Party, Modest Mouse.) Um.. okay. I think I get that. But I also think they create a sound that's a little more atmospheric and layered than those other bands, sort of like R.E.M. and Radiohead do. Mostly, though.. I just like them. :) The Black EP has some live tracks on it, which I normally don't go in for, but these are not too bad - the crowd sound is filtered. Favorites: from "Antics" - Next Exit, Narc, Evil, Length Of Love; from "Black" - just NYC (Demo). Two thumbs up for Antics, one for Black.
Flogging Molly - "Within A Mile Of Home": Celtic-punk? Uhmm, I guess so. That's as good as any descriptor, I guess. They're not *too* punk, though, and maybe not as ethnic-sounding as The Pogues, either. More like The Frames with an occasional fiddle, tin whistle or accordion. :) Of course every once in a while (e.g. Tomorrow Comes A Day Too Soon) they sound sort of .. cajun. Go figure.
They do sing in English, as opposed to Runrig, another celtic rock band, whose CD I picked up in Glasgow when I was there 18 months ago now, and which I really enjoy. Flogging Molly can get a little frenetic.. like one of those songs where you start dancing in a circle and they keep increasing the tempo until you're whirling around and getting dizzy. Some of their songs are dizzying, they're so fast (e.g. The Seven Deadly Sins, To Youth.)
So yeah, kind of fun. If you like Celtic-influenced music, which I do. When you listen you can feel where American Bluegrass came from, but never grew beyond, either. This is a pretty good album all around, with a nice balance of songs, although I would have liked a few more ballads. Favorites: Whistle The Wind, The Wanderlust, Factory Girls. Plus, there's a really appealing song of theirs, "If I Ever Leave This World Alive", on the soundtrack album to the movie P.S. I Love You (now in theatres, gang!) One thumb up for the reviewed CD. it just tires me out to listen.. ;)
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Love songs sound so pretty in Spanish..
Quiéreme mucho
Dulce amor mÃo
Qué amante siempre
Te adoraré
Yo con tus besos
Y tus caricias
Mis sufrimientos
Acallaré
Cuando se quiere de veras
Como te quiero yo a ti
Es imposible mi cielo
Tan separados vivir
Cuando se quiere de veras
Como te quiero yo a ti
Es imposible mi cielo
Tan separados vivir
Tan separados vivir
Es imposible mi cielo
Tan separados vivir
Tan separados vivir
Dulce amor mÃo
Qué amante siempre
Te adoraré
Yo con tus besos
Y tus caricias
Mis sufrimientos
Acallaré
Cuando se quiere de veras
Como te quiero yo a ti
Es imposible mi cielo
Tan separados vivir
Cuando se quiere de veras
Como te quiero yo a ti
Es imposible mi cielo
Tan separados vivir
Tan separados vivir
Es imposible mi cielo
Tan separados vivir
Tan separados vivir
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
TS502
Hey, finally the syllabus was published! Just in time to let me know that there are some reading assignments due for tonight. :(
The course will cover three main topics this quarter in Systematic Theology 2: The doctrine of humanity, the doctrine of sin, and the doctrine of Christ.
Sounds kinda personal to me! I have a feeling it will be challenging on several levels. Not the least of which is, there's one more paper due than last quarter.. :(
The required weekly reading assignments are actually smaller, but it doesn't count the extra two books we have to choose, read, and do a paper on. The first one's due the end of January. Yikes! Best get busy.
But then.. maybe if I don't turn it in on time, I'll be more aware of the frailness of my humanity, the relevance of the doctrine of sin to my life, and my need for reliance on Christ for daily grace. ;)
My final paper is supposed to say what I believe about these things. Maybe by then I'll know first hand.
The course will cover three main topics this quarter in Systematic Theology 2: The doctrine of humanity, the doctrine of sin, and the doctrine of Christ.
Sounds kinda personal to me! I have a feeling it will be challenging on several levels. Not the least of which is, there's one more paper due than last quarter.. :(
The required weekly reading assignments are actually smaller, but it doesn't count the extra two books we have to choose, read, and do a paper on. The first one's due the end of January. Yikes! Best get busy.
But then.. maybe if I don't turn it in on time, I'll be more aware of the frailness of my humanity, the relevance of the doctrine of sin to my life, and my need for reliance on Christ for daily grace. ;)
My final paper is supposed to say what I believe about these things. Maybe by then I'll know first hand.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Conditioned
"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
----- Christopher Johnson McCandless
And so it is with me.
----- Christopher Johnson McCandless
And so it is with me.
Nice Dream
It's one of those Radiohead songs where the lyrics are so obscure as to make the song unapproachable, but the sound of it and the mood it creates still makes it a favorite. :)
I guess I thought of it yesterday, after reflecting on a conversation we had in the car on the way home from KC Saturday. After taking a look at living expenses and school costs and debt retirement and future income, I came to the conclusion that the idea of transitioning to teaching in maybe three more years was just that -
A nice dream.
Putting pen to paper, adding and subtracting numbers, looking at amortization schedules, and forecasting income made the song in my heart of changing careers seem.. unapproachable. But the idea of it sounded so sweet, it is still a favorite song. Even though I guess it was, really, just a nice dream after all.
Looks like I'll be working at my current job, or something like it, until I'm about 62. Then.. maybe.. I can leave corporate America behind. So teaching really will be a "retirement" career, if it happens at all. After all, what school will hire an instructor into his first such full-time job at *that* age? I'll be lucky to snag a few classes here and there, maybe as a sub.
Ah well. So it goes.
Nice try.
Nice dream.
But I see from the clock.. it's about that time - time to go to work.
I guess I thought of it yesterday, after reflecting on a conversation we had in the car on the way home from KC Saturday. After taking a look at living expenses and school costs and debt retirement and future income, I came to the conclusion that the idea of transitioning to teaching in maybe three more years was just that -
A nice dream.
Putting pen to paper, adding and subtracting numbers, looking at amortization schedules, and forecasting income made the song in my heart of changing careers seem.. unapproachable. But the idea of it sounded so sweet, it is still a favorite song. Even though I guess it was, really, just a nice dream after all.
Looks like I'll be working at my current job, or something like it, until I'm about 62. Then.. maybe.. I can leave corporate America behind. So teaching really will be a "retirement" career, if it happens at all. After all, what school will hire an instructor into his first such full-time job at *that* age? I'll be lucky to snag a few classes here and there, maybe as a sub.
Ah well. So it goes.
Nice try.
Nice dream.
But I see from the clock.. it's about that time - time to go to work.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Man, slow down!
What a busy week coming up. This is the first time in a long time where I have *no* free evenings for about 10 days straight!
So.. work all day, plus in the evening:
Monday - teach class at Stritch
Tuesday - first class of Winter quarter at Bethel
Wednesday - RCIA, and J2 is here for doctor visit
Thursday - dinner and concert at the Varsity w/D
Friday - in Wisconsin at the in-laws
Saturday - Packer game at Lambeau, driving back late
Sunday - catch up on Bethel homework, grade Stritch homework, and do lesson plan for Monday
Monday - teach class at Stritch again ( 2 left!)
Tuesday - class at Bethel again
Wednesday - RCIA again (8 left!)
Then finally a "free" evening, no doubt not really free but full of reading for the Bethel class, before:
Friday - dinner at Vic's and jazz concert w/D
but at least the next Sat & Sun, there are no plans, so maybe I can catch up on Bethel reading. And soon the Stritch class will drop off, and by Holy Week the RCIA classes will be done. Whew!
Man! Wasn't I just on vacation? Yikes! I think I needed it.
So.. work all day, plus in the evening:
Monday - teach class at Stritch
Tuesday - first class of Winter quarter at Bethel
Wednesday - RCIA, and J2 is here for doctor visit
Thursday - dinner and concert at the Varsity w/D
Friday - in Wisconsin at the in-laws
Saturday - Packer game at Lambeau, driving back late
Sunday - catch up on Bethel homework, grade Stritch homework, and do lesson plan for Monday
Monday - teach class at Stritch again ( 2 left!)
Tuesday - class at Bethel again
Wednesday - RCIA again (8 left!)
Then finally a "free" evening, no doubt not really free but full of reading for the Bethel class, before:
Friday - dinner at Vic's and jazz concert w/D
but at least the next Sat & Sun, there are no plans, so maybe I can catch up on Bethel reading. And soon the Stritch class will drop off, and by Holy Week the RCIA classes will be done. Whew!
Man! Wasn't I just on vacation? Yikes! I think I needed it.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Jilted and jaded
On the way back from KC today, we were chatting in the car about an old friend whom I'd emailed recently, and with whom I traded gossip and news about "the old days" when we worked together in the same office. We had sort of caught up on who was where now, and who got promoted to what job.
The company which we worked for together just had its President retire, who at one time we both reported to. D asked if my buddy had any news about the replacement, and I said that I never even thought to ask. "I don't care much anymore", I said. And then I thought.. wow. How I've changed.
When I was a boy growing up in a little farm town, I remember shopping trips to the "big city" (which was hardly big - only in comparison, since my town was 2500 people and the city in question was a whole 10 times that size.)
Anyway, on our way into that city (which I'll call Wazoo for short), there was an office building just off the main road, that was all white, set back from a reflecting pond. Beautiful. To this little kid it seemed like a castle, a shining city on a hill. :) It was a company named after the city, and I wondered if I would ever have a chance to set foot inside that building. I imagined it was all plush and cool, with deep golden carpet and white marble walls.
It was. I walked that golden carpet and stroked the cool, slick walls with my own hands. :) Because about 20 years after my boyhood daydreams, I began a 12 year stint working for that company (call her W), left, and then had another 5 year stint with the company that subsequently bought her. I say "her" because.. well, because I loved her. Like a fool, I loved this company, not realizing then that she could never return the affection.
I suppose it was my romantic nature which, even at an early age, thought it would be cool to be a knight in shining armor, do brave and good deeds (at my own peril, of course), and so win the heart of a beautiful girl who lived in a white castle. So when I came to work for W, it was a boyhood dream come true. And I was ready for love. :)
In the beginning, the relationship between W and me was a little rocky. She was elusive, cold. I had to prove myself, demonstrate my loyalty and my goodness. And after a while, I thought I did. She responded with what seemed like affection, which I also thought would turn to love in the end.
I would serve her, and she would respond, and we would grow closer and closer, until it was time for me to get down off the white horse and lay down my armor. She would remain forever young, of course, and someone else would serve her next, but.. that would be okay, because she would have loved me well while I was still able.
Yeah. That all changed about 8 years ago now, when after 12 years with her, she found someone else whom she wanted more than me - the big company that bought her. She "couldn't" keep me on, because of this new relationship, despite what I felt for her. Yes, she did offer me some relationship terms, but.. they were hard.
I could work for her new parent company, but not be with her anymore.. and would have to move half a country away. Well, maybe I could see her sometimes, if it worked out. But.. not very much. It was a hard choice, but.. I choose to step out of her life, though I still loved her. I didn't realize at the time how deep that hurt went.
Within about a year and a half, my hopes rose again. I was back in her service, so to speak, though not with her directly. I worked for her parent company then, but I lived much closer and saw her more often. It seemed to be okay, I could keep in touch, stay connected to her life, and sort of watch from a distance. Which I did, still affectionate toward her, for another 5 years.
But she cast her net wide, had no lack of attention from others, changed a great deal, getting rid of old relationships and losing much of the caring that had drawn me to her originally. Soon I didn't know who she was anymore. She didn't really have an interest in me anymore, either, as I found out when the new parent company closed my office and I was out on the street. I appealed to W - she had openings, roles that I could fill, but.. no. She had no need of me anymore. She wanted someone.. younger, someone more her type. :(
I think if she had tried at all that last time.. I would have still cared about her and would have rekindled my affections. But she didn't even try. So for the last 8 years I have felt my feelings for her turn from love to hurt to disillusionment to indifference. Now I just don't care. She can be with whoever she wishes for however long or short a time she chooses.. it means nothing to me now. Yes, I remember the good times. But more than the good times.. I remember her harsh coldness, much like the frozen north where she lives.
I never thought she would grow old. But she did. Old and brittle and hard - a shrunken shadow of her former self. As for me.. I've bounced from one work relationship to another since then. None of them compare to what W once was to me.. she was beautiful once. The best I ever knew.
And I know I'll never find what I had with her in any employer again, for many reasons. I'm old now, for one. Almost too old to please anyone else like her, even if I could find a company like that again, which I won't.
Because.. I've changed, too. I'm jaded and cynical, like a lover who is jilted repeatedly eventually becomes. I won't give my heart like that ever again. From now on, any work relationships I have will be ones of mutual convenience. I give you what you want, you give me what I want. As long as it's a fair trade.. we're good.
Oh.. we may become friends, maybe even friends with benefits. But - I'll never give my heart like that again - to one who won't (can't, really) respond in kind. I'll walk away before that happens. I won't get hurt like that again.
So I think that's why when I go to KC, and see that pretty, polished and stylish exterior, I get a sick feeling in my stomach, and shudder at the thought of the cold, cold heart which I know is inside her. And I keep my distance. I guard my heart now. I've learned my lesson. It's one thing to love a person - there's at least a chance that your love might be returned. But a corporation.. oh no. Never again.
The company which we worked for together just had its President retire, who at one time we both reported to. D asked if my buddy had any news about the replacement, and I said that I never even thought to ask. "I don't care much anymore", I said. And then I thought.. wow. How I've changed.
When I was a boy growing up in a little farm town, I remember shopping trips to the "big city" (which was hardly big - only in comparison, since my town was 2500 people and the city in question was a whole 10 times that size.)
Anyway, on our way into that city (which I'll call Wazoo for short), there was an office building just off the main road, that was all white, set back from a reflecting pond. Beautiful. To this little kid it seemed like a castle, a shining city on a hill. :) It was a company named after the city, and I wondered if I would ever have a chance to set foot inside that building. I imagined it was all plush and cool, with deep golden carpet and white marble walls.
It was. I walked that golden carpet and stroked the cool, slick walls with my own hands. :) Because about 20 years after my boyhood daydreams, I began a 12 year stint working for that company (call her W), left, and then had another 5 year stint with the company that subsequently bought her. I say "her" because.. well, because I loved her. Like a fool, I loved this company, not realizing then that she could never return the affection.
I suppose it was my romantic nature which, even at an early age, thought it would be cool to be a knight in shining armor, do brave and good deeds (at my own peril, of course), and so win the heart of a beautiful girl who lived in a white castle. So when I came to work for W, it was a boyhood dream come true. And I was ready for love. :)
In the beginning, the relationship between W and me was a little rocky. She was elusive, cold. I had to prove myself, demonstrate my loyalty and my goodness. And after a while, I thought I did. She responded with what seemed like affection, which I also thought would turn to love in the end.
I would serve her, and she would respond, and we would grow closer and closer, until it was time for me to get down off the white horse and lay down my armor. She would remain forever young, of course, and someone else would serve her next, but.. that would be okay, because she would have loved me well while I was still able.
Yeah. That all changed about 8 years ago now, when after 12 years with her, she found someone else whom she wanted more than me - the big company that bought her. She "couldn't" keep me on, because of this new relationship, despite what I felt for her. Yes, she did offer me some relationship terms, but.. they were hard.
I could work for her new parent company, but not be with her anymore.. and would have to move half a country away. Well, maybe I could see her sometimes, if it worked out. But.. not very much. It was a hard choice, but.. I choose to step out of her life, though I still loved her. I didn't realize at the time how deep that hurt went.
Within about a year and a half, my hopes rose again. I was back in her service, so to speak, though not with her directly. I worked for her parent company then, but I lived much closer and saw her more often. It seemed to be okay, I could keep in touch, stay connected to her life, and sort of watch from a distance. Which I did, still affectionate toward her, for another 5 years.
But she cast her net wide, had no lack of attention from others, changed a great deal, getting rid of old relationships and losing much of the caring that had drawn me to her originally. Soon I didn't know who she was anymore. She didn't really have an interest in me anymore, either, as I found out when the new parent company closed my office and I was out on the street. I appealed to W - she had openings, roles that I could fill, but.. no. She had no need of me anymore. She wanted someone.. younger, someone more her type. :(
I think if she had tried at all that last time.. I would have still cared about her and would have rekindled my affections. But she didn't even try. So for the last 8 years I have felt my feelings for her turn from love to hurt to disillusionment to indifference. Now I just don't care. She can be with whoever she wishes for however long or short a time she chooses.. it means nothing to me now. Yes, I remember the good times. But more than the good times.. I remember her harsh coldness, much like the frozen north where she lives.
I never thought she would grow old. But she did. Old and brittle and hard - a shrunken shadow of her former self. As for me.. I've bounced from one work relationship to another since then. None of them compare to what W once was to me.. she was beautiful once. The best I ever knew.
And I know I'll never find what I had with her in any employer again, for many reasons. I'm old now, for one. Almost too old to please anyone else like her, even if I could find a company like that again, which I won't.
Because.. I've changed, too. I'm jaded and cynical, like a lover who is jilted repeatedly eventually becomes. I won't give my heart like that ever again. From now on, any work relationships I have will be ones of mutual convenience. I give you what you want, you give me what I want. As long as it's a fair trade.. we're good.
Oh.. we may become friends, maybe even friends with benefits. But - I'll never give my heart like that again - to one who won't (can't, really) respond in kind. I'll walk away before that happens. I won't get hurt like that again.
So I think that's why when I go to KC, and see that pretty, polished and stylish exterior, I get a sick feeling in my stomach, and shudder at the thought of the cold, cold heart which I know is inside her. And I keep my distance. I guard my heart now. I've learned my lesson. It's one thing to love a person - there's at least a chance that your love might be returned. But a corporation.. oh no. Never again.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Freeeeeee!
I know it was a short week, but I am so glad to be done and out of here. I was so edgy today, stomach upset, nervous.. something about this place gives me the creeps.
I'm sure it would be any office building - anything that smacks of corporate America - but still.. I'm glad to be heading home. Maybe a good long walk tonight after a light dinner, and then a leisurely drive back to the Twin Cities tomorrow.
Enough got done that I don't have to think about work all weekend, and I think I can just enjoy myself and relax. Tomorrow's drive should be good for that. :)
Homeward!
I'm sure it would be any office building - anything that smacks of corporate America - but still.. I'm glad to be heading home. Maybe a good long walk tonight after a light dinner, and then a leisurely drive back to the Twin Cities tomorrow.
Enough got done that I don't have to think about work all weekend, and I think I can just enjoy myself and relax. Tomorrow's drive should be good for that. :)
Homeward!
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Back again so soon?
Yet another trip to KC today. A shorter visit than last time (just two days), and with company en route this time. :) That should make the windshield time pass more quickly, and make the feelings of isolation while on the road go away for once.
Might even make a detour to see the Spam museum on the way back. Oooh. It's almost like vacation! (But not quite..)
And.. best of all.. no expectations to return for about another 6 weeks. Yay! The less time I spend in that office, the better.
Might even make a detour to see the Spam museum on the way back. Oooh. It's almost like vacation! (But not quite..)
And.. best of all.. no expectations to return for about another 6 weeks. Yay! The less time I spend in that office, the better.
Fewer masks in 2008.. I hope.
In RCIA class last night, we talked about heaven, hell and purgatory (including the impacts of penance and indulgences on the same) and.. modes of existence. Fascinating discussion.
Part of preparing for each week of class is a handout (usually The Catholic Update) given out the week before. While the handout for tonight's class indeed dealt with H, H & P, one section of it jumped out at me, and that was the notion that the Final Judgment is really not so much focused on condemnation as it is the experience of "being fully known" by God, and having His knowledge of us made known to us. We will get to see ourselves as He sees us. And that can be a very scary thought... or a comforting one, depending.
One paragraph from the handout said this:
" 'At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.' (I Cor. 13:12) We wear a lot of masks to keep from being known. Perhaps no one judges us more harshly than we judge ourselves. But every now and then someone catches us off guard by peeking behind our masks and loving us as we are - a surprise someone called the most magical: 'God's finger on one's shoulder.' Truly, no one knows us so well and yet loves us with such enduring passion as God does."
Yeah, I get that. God knows me as I really am, and loves me anyway. With people, I have no such confidence. The love of so many people is conditional - for what I can do or be for them. Those times where I have been loved unconditionally by someone - where someone knows me as I really am, and loves me anyway - I have thought of that person as loving me in that moment like God does, and *will* do forever in the next life.
I have, then, seen God's face in that person's eyes, smiling or tearful, felt God's hands in their touch, heard God's voice on their lips. And I will forever after associate them with the love of God somehow, as in some way representing God to me. And in my better moments, I am able to love the same way - no matter what that person does or says or.. is.. inside.
I need more of those moments.. both giving and receiving love that way. I ran across the following the other day, that felt to me like I could have written it myself just yesterday. Maybe it resonates with one or more of you as well.
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one, but don't believe me.
My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
----- Charles C. Finn
Part of preparing for each week of class is a handout (usually The Catholic Update) given out the week before. While the handout for tonight's class indeed dealt with H, H & P, one section of it jumped out at me, and that was the notion that the Final Judgment is really not so much focused on condemnation as it is the experience of "being fully known" by God, and having His knowledge of us made known to us. We will get to see ourselves as He sees us. And that can be a very scary thought... or a comforting one, depending.
One paragraph from the handout said this:
" 'At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.' (I Cor. 13:12) We wear a lot of masks to keep from being known. Perhaps no one judges us more harshly than we judge ourselves. But every now and then someone catches us off guard by peeking behind our masks and loving us as we are - a surprise someone called the most magical: 'God's finger on one's shoulder.' Truly, no one knows us so well and yet loves us with such enduring passion as God does."
Yeah, I get that. God knows me as I really am, and loves me anyway. With people, I have no such confidence. The love of so many people is conditional - for what I can do or be for them. Those times where I have been loved unconditionally by someone - where someone knows me as I really am, and loves me anyway - I have thought of that person as loving me in that moment like God does, and *will* do forever in the next life.
I have, then, seen God's face in that person's eyes, smiling or tearful, felt God's hands in their touch, heard God's voice on their lips. And I will forever after associate them with the love of God somehow, as in some way representing God to me. And in my better moments, I am able to love the same way - no matter what that person does or says or.. is.. inside.
I need more of those moments.. both giving and receiving love that way. I ran across the following the other day, that felt to me like I could have written it myself just yesterday. Maybe it resonates with one or more of you as well.
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I'm afraid to take off
And none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one, but don't believe me.
My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.
I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings --
very small wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator --
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.
----- Charles C. Finn
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Learning to follow His lead
"Sooner or later you figure out life is constructed specifically and brilliantly to squeeze a man into association with the Owner of heaven. It is a struggle, with labor pains and thorny landscape, bloody hands and a sweaty brow, head in hands, moments of severe loneliness and questioning, moments of ache and desire. All this leads to God, I think. Perhaps this is what is on the other side of the commercials, on the other side of the curtain behind which the Wizard of Oz pulls his levers.
"Matter and thought are a canvas on which God paints, a painting with tragedy and delivery, with sin and redemption. Life is a dance toward God, I begin to think. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because the steps are foreign."
----- Donald Miller, "Through Painted Deserts"
"Matter and thought are a canvas on which God paints, a painting with tragedy and delivery, with sin and redemption. Life is a dance toward God, I begin to think. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because the steps are foreign."
----- Donald Miller, "Through Painted Deserts"
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
There's just something..
..about the start of a new month. :)
I always feel a bit more hopeful about the future.
Wonder why that is?
I always feel a bit more hopeful about the future.
Wonder why that is?
Better Days
and you ask me what i want this year
and i try to make this good and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
cause i don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things,
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Chorus:
so take these words
and sing out loud
cause everyone is forgiven now
cause tonight's the night the world begins again
and it's someplace simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and it's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
and the one poor child who saved this world
and there's 10 million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them
so take these words
and sing out loud
cause everyone is forgiven now
cause tonight's the night the world begins again
i wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this endless fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
so take these words
and sing out loud
cause everyone is forgiven now
cause tonight's the night the world begins again
----- The Goo Goo Dolls
and i try to make this good and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
cause i don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things,
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Chorus:
so take these words
and sing out loud
cause everyone is forgiven now
cause tonight's the night the world begins again
and it's someplace simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and it's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
and the one poor child who saved this world
and there's 10 million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them
so take these words
and sing out loud
cause everyone is forgiven now
cause tonight's the night the world begins again
i wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this endless fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
so take these words
and sing out loud
cause everyone is forgiven now
cause tonight's the night the world begins again
----- The Goo Goo Dolls
resolution(s)
.
so what's to resolve
next year could hardly be worse
just want to survive
crawl out of this hole
only way to go is up
start the climb today
metaphysical
survival of the fittest
get my soul in shape
a suspended chord
begging for resolution
was this whole past year
maybe the new year
will see the sun come out
drive the dark away
.
so what's to resolve
next year could hardly be worse
just want to survive
crawl out of this hole
only way to go is up
start the climb today
metaphysical
survival of the fittest
get my soul in shape
a suspended chord
begging for resolution
was this whole past year
maybe the new year
will see the sun come out
drive the dark away
.
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