Jilted and jaded

On the way back from KC today, we were chatting in the car about an old friend whom I'd emailed recently, and with whom I traded gossip and news about "the old days" when we worked together in the same office. We had sort of caught up on who was where now, and who got promoted to what job.

The company which we worked for together just had its President retire, who at one time we both reported to. D asked if my buddy had any news about the replacement, and I said that I never even thought to ask. "I don't care much anymore", I said. And then I thought.. wow. How I've changed.

When I was a boy growing up in a little farm town, I remember shopping trips to the "big city" (which was hardly big - only in comparison, since my town was 2500 people and the city in question was a whole 10 times that size.)

Anyway, on our way into that city (which I'll call Wazoo for short), there was an office building just off the main road, that was all white, set back from a reflecting pond. Beautiful. To this little kid it seemed like a castle, a shining city on a hill. :) It was a company named after the city, and I wondered if I would ever have a chance to set foot inside that building. I imagined it was all plush and cool, with deep golden carpet and white marble walls.

It was. I walked that golden carpet and stroked the cool, slick walls with my own hands. :) Because about 20 years after my boyhood daydreams, I began a 12 year stint working for that company (call her W), left, and then had another 5 year stint with the company that subsequently bought her. I say "her" because.. well, because I loved her. Like a fool, I loved this company, not realizing then that she could never return the affection.

I suppose it was my romantic nature which, even at an early age, thought it would be cool to be a knight in shining armor, do brave and good deeds (at my own peril, of course), and so win the heart of a beautiful girl who lived in a white castle. So when I came to work for W, it was a boyhood dream come true. And I was ready for love. :)

In the beginning, the relationship between W and me was a little rocky. She was elusive, cold. I had to prove myself, demonstrate my loyalty and my goodness. And after a while, I thought I did. She responded with what seemed like affection, which I also thought would turn to love in the end.

I would serve her, and she would respond, and we would grow closer and closer, until it was time for me to get down off the white horse and lay down my armor. She would remain forever young, of course, and someone else would serve her next, but.. that would be okay, because she would have loved me well while I was still able.

Yeah. That all changed about 8 years ago now, when after 12 years with her, she found someone else whom she wanted more than me - the big company that bought her. She "couldn't" keep me on, because of this new relationship, despite what I felt for her. Yes, she did offer me some relationship terms, but.. they were hard.

I could work for her new parent company, but not be with her anymore.. and would have to move half a country away. Well, maybe I could see her sometimes, if it worked out. But.. not very much. It was a hard choice, but.. I choose to step out of her life, though I still loved her. I didn't realize at the time how deep that hurt went.

Within about a year and a half, my hopes rose again. I was back in her service, so to speak, though not with her directly. I worked for her parent company then, but I lived much closer and saw her more often. It seemed to be okay, I could keep in touch, stay connected to her life, and sort of watch from a distance. Which I did, still affectionate toward her, for another 5 years.

But she cast her net wide, had no lack of attention from others, changed a great deal, getting rid of old relationships and losing much of the caring that had drawn me to her originally. Soon I didn't know who she was anymore. She didn't really have an interest in me anymore, either, as I found out when the new parent company closed my office and I was out on the street. I appealed to W - she had openings, roles that I could fill, but.. no. She had no need of me anymore. She wanted someone.. younger, someone more her type. :(

I think if she had tried at all that last time.. I would have still cared about her and would have rekindled my affections. But she didn't even try. So for the last 8 years I have felt my feelings for her turn from love to hurt to disillusionment to indifference. Now I just don't care. She can be with whoever she wishes for however long or short a time she chooses.. it means nothing to me now. Yes, I remember the good times. But more than the good times.. I remember her harsh coldness, much like the frozen north where she lives.

I never thought she would grow old. But she did. Old and brittle and hard - a shrunken shadow of her former self. As for me.. I've bounced from one work relationship to another since then. None of them compare to what W once was to me.. she was beautiful once. The best I ever knew.

And I know I'll never find what I had with her in any employer again, for many reasons. I'm old now, for one. Almost too old to please anyone else like her, even if I could find a company like that again, which I won't.

Because.. I've changed, too. I'm jaded and cynical, like a lover who is jilted repeatedly eventually becomes. I won't give my heart like that ever again. From now on, any work relationships I have will be ones of mutual convenience. I give you what you want, you give me what I want. As long as it's a fair trade.. we're good.

Oh.. we may become friends, maybe even friends with benefits. But - I'll never give my heart like that again - to one who won't (can't, really) respond in kind. I'll walk away before that happens. I won't get hurt like that again.

So I think that's why when I go to KC, and see that pretty, polished and stylish exterior, I get a sick feeling in my stomach, and shudder at the thought of the cold, cold heart which I know is inside her. And I keep my distance. I guard my heart now. I've learned my lesson. It's one thing to love a person - there's at least a chance that your love might be returned. But a corporation.. oh no. Never again.