Friday, February 29, 2008

optimism



.


steaming morning cup

spirit rising like the steam

new day unfolding


.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Rearranging My Prejudices

William James once said:

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices."

God forbid I should do this. But.. perhaps he's right.

TS502 (as did TS501 before it, as will TS503 after it, I'm pretty sure) is upsetting my neat little system of thinking about God, along with all its prejudices. And darn it, I had all my biases and presuppositions neatly arranged in piles and shelves and drawers, too, like so many t-shirts, belts and pairs of socks. :(

Now I have to redo them all, give away what doesn't fit (some of the presuppositions were barely ever worn..) or what's out of style (those prejudices, certainly - soooo last generation), toss what's worn out (the biases in particular are looking shabby), and make way for all the new stuff I'm deciding I'll want to wear instead. :)

If only I can stop using them to put people in categories, (i.e. she believes like I do - she can be in my group; he believes something different - so he's uncool), now *that* would be progress.

Oh.. the TS502 prof granted me an extension for a week on my big integrative project paper, due to my week-long trip West. Yay! :) So I worked on my "credo" paper (what I believe about stuff) last night, and am almost done now - should finish it up before I head West.

And I could even go to bed by 9 last night! Wow. So I was up before 6 this morning (thanks to an early morning phone call to India), but was refreshed at least, and then checked to see if anyone online was up.. nope. But the birds were! Yeah, birdsong! :) It's almost March..

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Music Reviews: Tegan and Sara, Tilly and the Wall, Thanatopsis, Tabla Beat Science

Another late-night phone call to India, after a long class on the unity of the divine and human natures of Christ. Somehow knowing that it's 10AM in New Delhi when it's 10:30PM here doesn't make me feel any more awake. :( Besides, a nine and a *half* hour difference? .. what's with the half-hour thing? I hope I never get used to these cross-the-world phone calls into weird time zones ..

As to the music, we have all Ts in the lineup this time. :) Let's see what Ts we've got:

Tilly and the Wall - Bottoms of Barrels: iTunes describes their songs as "totally high school", but they mean that in a nice way. :) It's kind of sweet. Lead vocals trade off between singers, and the whole ensemble sings in decent harmonies. Plus an interesting quirk. One of the lead vocalists tap dances on some tracks as part of the percussion. Fun. :) A couple of their songs have a Spanish flamenco feel. Really interesting sound. Favorites: Bad Education, Brave Day, Lost Girls, Love Song, Rainbows In The Dark, Sing Songs Along, The Freest Man. Plus, I like a couple of sweet songs off their first release - "I Always Knew", and "Let It Rain." Two thumbs up for this CD.

Tegan and Sara - So Jealous: This Canadian duo sounds really young, even younger than Tilly and the Wall, even though they've been at this for 10 years now. I think it's the quality of their voices, sort of thin and reedy (sometimes really evident like on I Can't Take It), the kind where the producer has to double up the lead vocal track with an duplicate overdub delayed a few milliseconds, just to give it more depth. Sort of what they'd have to do with me if I was in the studio. ;)

Most of the songs are about the usual late-teens-early-twenties troubled relationships, variations on a theme, you know? With lines like "Tell me if you love me like you think you want to be loved" and a chorus of "don't get so uptight", etc. Most of the tracks are catchy, with good pop hooks, though, if you can put up with emo lyrics the whole time. And yeah, I sort of can. :) Favorites: Fix You Up, I Know I Know I Know, Take Me Anywhere, Wake Up Exhausted, Where Does The Good Go, You Wouldn't Like Me. One thumb up - for the songs, not the vocals.

Thanatopsis - Axiology: Jazz/Rock, reminiscent of Kyoto Jazz Massive, St. Germain, Explosions in the Sky and others. Primarily a good rock sound, but definitely a jazz sensibility to go with it. Favorites: New Year, Nostrum, Pyre (which sounds like a tribute to Emerson, Lake and Palmer, with a little lead bass and some organ), Top Of The World Ma, Vicious Circle. All tracks made the studying playlist. Thumbs up for this instrumental CD.

Tabla Beat Science - Tala Matrix: Indian drums. Good to mix in with the studying playlist. But to sit down and listen to it straight through... you'd have to be a percussionist to go for that. :) For a change of pace, though.. interesting.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Back to good

age-adjusted good, that is. And hey.. no complaints. I'm always glad for age-adjusted performance expectations, no matter what the.. um.. activity. :)

This activity happens to be.. running. So after a long post-birthday layoff last Fall, and a subsequent scolding by my doctor, and then 6 weeks of mind-numbing running on the indoor track (yuk), I'm finally back to what NASA's Dr. Cooper calls good physical condition for ... you know ... "a guy my age."

Yeah, well. I guess you could think of it this way: if NASA allowed people my age to be astronauts (do they??), they would have to cover 1.25 miles in less than 12 minutes to qualify for the program.

All right, then, sign me up! I'm ready. Hand me my pressure suit, kid. And where's that tether? Time for my spacewalk..

Monday, February 25, 2008

One More Week..

.. of work and it will be March. :) I can hardly wait!

I get to hang around here until the 1st, to see if March comes in lamblike or leonine, and then I head west by southwest for eight days, where the weather will seem like that of May.












J1 has already sent me pix messages of daffodils and jonquils.. mmm. Forget the coat and gloves, leave them in the car; a light sweater should be perfect there, just like it is here in May.













And I am soooo looking forward to May this year. :) Should be lovely...

Sunday, February 24, 2008

New Music!

It was like getting an unexpected, belated birthday gift yesterday. J2 was up (along w/ the new gf) to switch cars, and in the process of moving stuff over, I got to "borrow" a few CDs and upload. It's nice to be able to get new music (new to me, anyway) without relying on iTunes for it. Especially since I swore off iTunes for Lent. :)

Hey, maybe God is honoring the sacrifice, and saying.. "See? You can wait for Me to provide, not only for your needs but even for your desires, and in a good way, too. You don't have to always go and grab for yourself.." Yeah, maybe. It's a nice idea, anyway.

So, in this little pile of new treasure was: Motion City Soundtrack, Straylight Run, Mae, Relient K, Paramore, Silversun Pickups, Scary Kids, Matchbook Romance, and the Listen To Bob Dylan tribute album from 2005. Fun! Reviews to follow eventually, when I have time for critical listening..

Right now, I'm off to worship team run-through, the actual service to follow shortly after; singing for the second time this month, too. Yay! :)

Saturday, February 23, 2008

responsibilities

.


bear up buckle down
finish the things you started
time won't wait for you


.


So much to do. Researching, reading, constructing arguments, articulating positions, checking logic for coherence.. oh, these papers. Arghh. I'd much rather be sitting on the couch with a cup of tea watching Tiger beat up on KJ Choi.

But at least there's a warm breeze blowing. Kind of feels not-quite-Spring-ish-but-at-least-end-of-Winter-ish. :) It's a nice day to walk to and from the library..

Friday, February 22, 2008

lifting

.


how the heart responds
just a touch is all it takes
spirits rise again


.

distractions

.


pack the schedule full
don't allow for time to think
just can't bear it now


.

the heart

.


desperately wicked
deceitful above all things
how can i know it


.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Music Reviews: Stereolab, Phoebe Partridge, Piers Partridge

Pretty lunar eclipse last night, coming home from RCIA classes. Standing there in the driveway looking at the big dusty tangerine in the sky, seeing it joined by both Saturn and Regulus (from the constellation Leo), it didn't seem quite so cold. There's a warming wind today, and by the weekend it may get above freezing for a couple of days! Imagine that. That, plus seeing my little green duck bouncing and looking happy when I got home from a hard discussion with Dr. S-W last night, as if to say "Don't worry. Be happy! Don't worry. Be happy!", ... maybe that means that Spring is just around the corner, and I'm that much closer to doing my little March happy dance? I hope so.

Time for some music again. This set of reviews focuses on some really good chill music, most of it good for studying as well, but from three very different musical styles.

Stereolab - "Margerine Eclipse", "Dots and Loops", "Cobra and Phases Group Play Voltage in the Milky Night": The oddball titles notwithstanding, this group does a lot of songs that are throwbacks to the lounge, jazz, bossa nova, and pop styles of the sixties. Well done, too. The cover art even follows suit. Plus, there are quite a number of instrumentals, and at least half the tracks that feature singing have lyrics in French, so.. I can study to it! :)

Several of their tracks are mini-concertos, with differing movements, and themes stated and restated. They also seem pretty consistent in style, from their older stuff (Dots and Loops) to their newer releases (Margarine Eclipse.) Favorites: from "M.E.", Cosmic Country Noir, Dear Marge, Need To Be, Margarine Melodie. From "D&L": Contronatura, Prisoner of Mars, Rainbow Conversation, Refractions in the Plastic Pulse, Ticker-Tape of the Unconscious. From "C & P, etc.": Caleidoscopic Gaze, Come and Play in the Milky Night, Infinity Girl, The Spiracles, The Emergency Kisses. The "M.E." disc is my favorite, but.. thumbs up for all of them! :)

Phoebe Partridge - "Talk About the Weather": another girl singer, among the many that have grabbed my attention. You won't find her on iTunes, though - yet. I ran across her music on a website that connects listeners with similar musical interests from all over the world. This singer's from England and is the kind of talent that can lift an obscure label (Pindrop Music) to something mainstream.

She has a jazz sensibility like a Norah Jones or Sarah McLachlan, but doesn't do any pop standards - all new music, and decent songs, too. Favorites are All About The Weather, Scattered Showers, Halfway to Your House, Restless Eyes, At Last the Snow, and Rainy Day, a really original idea for a love song (and yes, some day I'll post the lyrics.. if they ever connect with my experience or dreams. Not yet..) Two thumbs up for this new find. :)

Piers Partridge - "Bowl of Plums": no relation to Phoebe, but records on the same British label. The best way I have to describe this CD is ambient guitar music. There's the occasional mandolin or violin as well, but primarily finger-style guitar, kind of new-agey in feel - a little aimless, but with enough melody to keep the songs distinct from each other.

Very easy to listen to, study to, sleep to.. (the kind of music which J2 always enjoys, and lets play all night. If he'd ever read Dad's blog, he might get some ideas for new sleeping music! C'mon, boy! Pay attention to the old man.) No particular favorites here.. they're all solid, all good.

waiting for the duck to bounce

.


days are crawling by
how much longer must I wait
till a new month comes


.


It's still February. It's still dark. It's still cold. There's still snow.

There's no signs of new life. Everything is still hunched over against the cold. Like old people when they stoop over a walker, or later curl up into a fetal position as they near death. This is the month of the year that seems most like death to me: cold, dark, lifeless.

But at least the days are in double-digits now, and the first digit is.. two.

March says: "Wait. New life is coming. The world's annual rising from death is imminent. Give me my due, and before I leave, you will have hope again for a summer bursting with green, and a fall laden with fruit. Hang on, friend, and I will restore you to upright health, rescue you from the crippled, turned-inward gait of winter's hard, frigid grip. Wait for me.. and see vitality again."

Reminds me a little of the mascot to my Adium software for the Mac, a little green duck. :) When a programmed event occurs, he hops up and down with a happy face on, like he's saying "oh, look! oh look!" It's sort of how I feel when the first spring flowers poke up to greet the lengthening hours of afternoon sun. When I see them, I feel like doing a little happy dance, too.

The duck needs to hop more. And I need to do the spring happy dance. C'mon, March.. hurry.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

What's Your Favorite Color?

Aww.. do I have to pick just one? :)

I love the whole fall color palette: yellow, orange, brown, some darker reds. It's one of the reasons Chagall's artwork appeals to me. He maybe uses blue a bit too much sometimes, and brown not enough, but the rest.. nice.

Yesterday I ran across a couple of websites that purport to do personality analysis via color preference. Ha. Funny stuff. Or maybe not so funny.

This first one has you pick a first and second choice. Let's say, just grabbing some colors at random, that your favorite color was.. oh, I don't know.. green, say. Pretty hip and trendy color. Second-favorite color.. ummm.. black. Urbane, utilitarian. With that particular combination, this would be you:

"If your first choice is green: This indicates stability, balance, and persistence, when you start something, you finish it! You are a good citizen, a respectable neighbor, and a concerned parent. You are inclined to be frank, moral, and sensitive to social etiquette. Your reputation is highly important to you, but you do delight in hearing of the scandals of others. You are an affectionate and loyal friend, lover and spouse. If your second choice is black: This indicates that your major drive in life is to avoid being dominated or influenced in your life-style."

Well, then. Not too bad. Sounds like someone who'd be enjoyable. :)

But, better not reverse the two! If you picked black first, and then green, you would be this kind of person:

"If your first choice is black: You are greatly dissatisfied with existing circumstances. You feel pressured by forces beyond your control, and you rebel against accepting things as they are. You want to be master of your own destiny. You carry yourself with dignity. You are inclined to conceal your real personality and emotions from others. You find it difficult to be carefree, but in public you may put forward an image of wit and cleverness. If your second choice is green: This indicates that your major goal is to gain recognition and acceptance of your views as an individual."

Yikes! Sounds a tad on the neurotic side, if you ask me.

So.. where do my favorite colors place me on the spectrum? Well, first off, they don't even list orange so.. pfui on them. I had to go find a second website for that. ;)

But if I had to only choose two colors, they would be yellow and brown, which renders this picture:

"If your first choice is yellow: Yellow indicates a yearning for the new, the modern and an expanding future. You are inclined to be intellectual, idealistic, and highly imaginative. Yellow is the color of the creative and artistic individual. However, you may be rather shy and hesitant with other people, causing you to appear aloof. You are driven by lofty ideas and are more likely to dwell in theory than to take concrete action. If you are a yellow personality, you should take care to avoid overindulgence in fantasy. If your second choice is brown: This indicates that your major drive is for complete security and physical and mental comfort."

Hm. Oh, I suppose. Could be worse, huh?

But I think a second opinion is in order. Given the name of this website, there may be potential for a color bias.. ;) but we'll look at it anyway.

So is the description of someone with the favorite color of green relatively consistent with the former website?

"Green: The color of harmony and balance, Green symbolizes hope, renewal and peace, and is usually liked by the gentle and sincere. Greens are generally frank, community-minded people, fairly sociable but preferring peace at any price. Green people can be too self-effacing, modest and patient, so they may get exploited by others. They are usually refined, civilized and reputable."

Hm. Yeah, maybe.. but what happens if you add black to the mix?

"Black: Dignified and impressive without being showy, Black people want to give the appearance of mystery, but their preference may also indicate a suppression of desires and worldly aims, suggesting hidden depths and inner longings."

Oooh.. mysterious. :) Not exactly consistent, but it still paints an interesting picture of an intriguing person. Okay, then.. we may have a winner here.

All right, let's see how the Fall color palette fares:

"Orange: This color of luxury and pleasure appeals to the flamboyant and fun-loving person who likes a lively social round. Orange people may be inclined to dramatize a bit, and people notice them, but they are generally good-natured and popular. They can be a little fickle and vacillating, but on the whole they try hard to be agreeable. Orange is the color of youth, strength, fearlessness, curiosity and restlessness."

Yeah, I guess that's right. So far, so good. :)

"Yellow: The color of happiness, wisdom and imagination, Yellow is chosen by the mentally adventurous, searching for novelty and self-fulfillment. Yellow usually goes with a sunny and shrewd personality, with a good business head and a strong sense of humor. It is the color of intellectuality and all things to do with the mind. Yellow folks are usually clear and precise thinkers who have a good opinion of their own mental capacities and who have lofty ideals. They may at times tend to shun responsibility, preferring freedom of thought and action."

Okay! This is so close it's starting to get a little creepy, in fact..

"Brown: A Brown person has stamina and patience, tending to be very solid and substantial, conscientious, dependable, steady and conservative. Browns are not impulsive, and may be inarticulate and tactless but they love responsibility and are reliable and kindly. If you chose Brown, watch out for a tendency to be obstinate and inflexible."

Hey! Gee whiz. I knew it was too good to last. :( I guess everybody needs a little balance in life, but.. c'mon now..

Are obstinate and inflexible maybe just other words for persistent? ;) How about inarticulate and tactless? Are they synonyms for something like introversion?

Now why did I just go out and buy that brown v-neck sweater, anyway? Oh well.. at least I wore a yellow t-shirt underneath. Just to offset some of that tactless obstinacy. :P

Maybe I need to focus on red a little more. "Red: The color of strength, health, and vitality, Red is often the color chosen by someone outgoing, aggressive, vigorous and impulsive—or someone who would like to be!" Hey! That's more like it. Except the rest of the description doesn't work at all, so...

All right, all right. Just accept it - you have a little brown in you. Think of it as a base color that you lift to a higher plane with the yellows and oranges. :)



Oh.. did I just hear someone ask: "hey! why didn't you talk about blue? I like blue."

Okay, then, just for you blue lovers out there (you know who you are):

"Blue: Soft, soothing, compassionate and caring, Blue is the color of deliberation and introspection, conservatism and duty. Patient, persevering, conscientious, sensitive and self-controlled, Blues like to be admired for their steady character and wisdom. They are faithful, but are often worriers with somewhat inflexible beliefs and can be too cautious, and suspicious of flamboyant behavior."

Yeah, well, if the color fits, baby..



So, reader, where are you color-wise? Are you... color-wise? :)

Monday, February 18, 2008

Topic of the Day

This is the stuff of which my 2nd paper for TS502 will be made (God willing, I'll finish it.. but I have no idea at this point what I'll say!)

From "Not the Way It's Supposed to Be", by Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.:

So the biggest biblical idea about sin, expressed in a riot of images and terms, is that sin is an anomaly, an intruder, a notorious gate-crasher. Sin does not belong in God's world, but somehow it has gotten in. In fact sin has dug in, and, like a tick, burrows deeper when we try to remove it.

... sin is a parasite, an uninvited guest that keeps tapping its host for sustenance. Nothing about sin is its own; all its power, persistence, and plausibility are stolen goods. Sin is not really an entity but a spoiler of entities, not an organism but a leech on organisms. Sin does not build shalom, it vandalizes it.

Good is original, independent, and constructive; evil is derivative, dependent and destructive. To be successful, evil needs what it hijacks from goodness.


Um, Doctor, I have this *thing* under my skin that is really bothering me. It's annoying, ugly and it hurts, and I can't get it out. It seems kinda like a tick that's burrowed in deep. I think I need some help from Someone who can do a little surgery and who has some disinfectant handy. Will You help me?

Oh, and while You're at it.. I wouldn't mind some local anesthetic?? We don't need to have a lot of pain here, while You're cutting this out, do we?? Oh, we do?? Pain is part of the healing process, You say? And it will definitely be sore afterwards?

(sigh) I kinda figured that.. :(

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Studying and Love Songs

I have 36 hours of relatively open time (including sleeping, if that's allowed, and catching up with D after her trip to see M&D) to finish reading 200 pages and write a 5 or 6 page paper on what I've read, before my regular schedule of work, classes and normal life crashes in on me again Tuesday morning.

So.. get busy, man! Stop listening to all these love songs. :)

Aww.. c'mon. Don't be such a meanie. I like love songs!

Sure, some of them are introspectively juvenile and full of high-school drama or college-style emo angst, but.. so what? So are some of the people who like them. ;) Others are pretty profound, like some other people, and contain more adult sentiment.

And anyway, I never care who wrote them, and about what, and for whom. I only like them because of a feeling they evoke, a connection they make to my own experience, a vivid memory they trigger, a hope or a dream they make a bit more real.

Like these:



Lovesong
(by The Cure)

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you




Loving a Person
(by Sara Groves)

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it




I have to think that studying, punctuated with love songs, is better than studying with none at all.

My Favorite Book

I was always late, you were never afraid,
that we could be falling
All our friends would say, maybe we should wait,
but they can't see what's coming
And to this day, when everything breaks,
you are the anchor that holds me

And that is why we'll always make it

How I know your face, all the ways you move,
you come in, I can read you
You're my favourite book
All the things you say, the way you shift your eyes
I never knew there was someone,
to make me come alive

When the days are long, and the thunder with the storm,
can always get me crying
You can make my bed, I'll fall into it,
shattered but not lonely
Because I never knew a home, until I found your hands,
when I'm weathered
You come to me, you're my best friend

And that is why we'll always make it

How I know your face, all the ways you move,
you come in, I can read you
You're my favourite book
All the things you say, the way you shift your eyes
I never knew there was someone,
to make me come alive

And when we're making love
I'd give up everything up for your touch

How I know your face, all the ways you move,
you come in, I can read you
You're my favourite book
All the things you say, the way you shift your eyes
I never knew there was someone,
to make me come alive

When you go to work all the day I wait
For you to come home, recount our time, in our little place

and that is why we'll always make it

How I know your face, all the ways you move,
you come in, I can read you
You're my favourite book
All the things you say, the way you shift your eyes
I never knew there was someone,
to make me come alive


----- Stars

Wonderland

We got the afternoon,
You got this room for two,
One thing I've left to do,
Discover me,
Discovering you.

One mile to every inch of,
Your skin like porcelain,
One pair of candy lips and,
Your bubblegum tongue.

Cause if you want love,
We'll make it,
Swim in a deep sea,
Of blankets,
Take all your big plans,
And break 'em,
This is bound to be a while.

Your body is a wonderland,
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands),
Your body is a wonderland.

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face,
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase,
You tell me where to go and,
Though I might leave to find it,
I'll never let your head hit the bed,
Without my hand behind it.

You want love,
We'll make it,
Swim in a deep sea,
Of blankets,
Take all your big plans,
And break 'em,
This is bound to be a while.

Your body is a wonderland,
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands),
Your body is a wonderland.

Damn baby,
You frustrate me,
I know you're mine, all mine, all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes.

Your body is a wonderland,
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands),
Your body is a wonderland,
Your body is a wonderland.

----- John Mayer

Saturday, February 16, 2008

No one's gonna love you

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard

Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone
They should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down
Hard

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

----- Band of Horses

You can not lose my love

You will lose your baby teeth.
At times, you'll lose your faith in me.
You will lose a lot of things,
But you cannot lose my love.

You may lose your appetite,
Your guiding sense of wrong and right.
You may lose your will to fight,
But you cannot lose my love.

You will lose your confidence.
In times of trial, your common sense.
You may lose your innocence,
But you cannot lose my love.

Many things can be misplaced;
Your very memories be erased.
No matter what the time or space,
You cannot lose my love.
You cannot lose,
You cannot lose,
You cannot lose my love.

- Sara Groves

Friday, February 15, 2008

My Big East Vacation (updated)

Okay, so it's only a day.

But still, a day off, a pleasant drive to old haunts, a chance to visit my big sister en route, and.. top 25 men's college basketball! It's been a year since I've been to a game, and the last time it was the largest crowd ever recorded for that team at a home game. Great game, too!

Don't know if we'll win this year, like we did last time, but even if the game turns out to be not exactly riveting.. there's always crowd watching. :) And in that place, there's actually a chance of seeing a familiar face in the crowd. Ha - if only one knew in advance where to look.. a friendly face might be easier to spot. ;)

Go MU!!

******

Update:

Wooooo, what a game! Even better than last year. I think I need to attend the Pitt game every year. I'm good luck. :)

What made it even better is .. I got to park downtown for free! The Hyatt parking garage let me in when they were already full, so a maintenance guy showed me a place to park by his truck that would also force me to exit right to the street and miss the cashier. Wow.. great guy!

And as to the crowd watching.. even that was better than last year. Mmmhmm.

Nice night. :)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Popular Wisdom on Romantic Love

Taken from AOL health (http://aol.mediresource.com/)

Bodies in Love: Why love hurts


Popular wisdom holds that love is in the air, that it makes the world go 'round, and that it's something that is better to have had and lost than... well, you know. Love is many things, but apparently it is not for the faint of heart.

Falling in love is as much a physical reaction as it is an emotional one. In fact, the "symptoms" of being smitten - rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, dilated pupils - are the same as those of the "fight or flight" stress response we have in reaction to an adrenaline surge. Love is also mind-altering - researchers report that brain images of people looking at a picture of their beloved resemble those of people high on cocaine.

It's no surprise, then, that the mind and body are affected when love is unrequited or a romance goes sour. The impact on a person's mood and behaviour can be dramatic. In various stages of love, people exhibit signs of mania (elevated mood, inflated self-esteem), depression (insomnia, tearfulness, loss of concentration), and obsessive-compulsive disorder (preoccupation, frequent checking for e-mail and text messages, pre-date hygiene rituals). Indeed, for thousands of years, lovesickness was accepted as a legitimate medical diagnosis, which gives the term "madly in love" a new dimension.

Love can also be a real pain... in the heart. In 2005, researchers at Johns Hopkins Medicine reported that sudden emotional stress can cause severe but reversible weakness of the heart muscle. Stress cardiomyopathy, nicknamed "broken heart syndrome," occurs when the heart is temporarily "stunned" by a prolonged surge in adrenaline and other stress hormones (exactly how isn't yet known ). Symptoms include chest pain, shortness of breath, fluid in the lungs, and heart failure. Patients are often misdiagnosed as having a massive heart attack. Fortunately, unlike those who have had a heart attack, they recover completely within two weeks and there is no lasting damage to the heart.

That doesn't mean the lovelorn are out of danger. Studies show that it is possible to die of a broken heart. The first and most-cited report appeared in the British Medical Journal in 1969. Researchers followed 4,500 widowers aged 55 and older for 9 years. The risk of dying in the first 6 months after the death of a spouse was 40% higher than usual, with the most common cause being a heart attack. As time went on, the risk decreased to normal levels.

These findings are supported by a larger study published in 1996. Researchers analyzed data from 1.5 million people aged 35 to 84. The risk of dying from a heart attack within the 6 months following a spouse's death was 20-35% higher than normal, while the chances of dying from an accident, alcohol-related problems, or violence was 100% higher.

Before you decide to join a monastery, however, rest assured that it's not all bad news. Decades of research show that people who are happily married live longer than singles. They enjoy better mental and emotional well-being, have lower rates of cancer, heart failure, and other diseases, and are less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, and other violent crimes. They also have greater collective wealth and a larger support network, and are less likely to smoke and drink heavily.

It takes time to find the right partner, but you can enjoy these benefits, too, if you survive the initial throes of passion and heartache. It seems that the prevailing theories are correct: of all the things that have been claimed about love, nobody ever said it was easy.




And this from WikiAnswers (where real people post answers to questions)


Q. Why love at all if it hurts so much?



Answer
This is a great question. Love has never been defined and never will be. Love is what two people feel. We read novels about love without limitations, see movies about it on the big screen or TV, and that we can live happily ever after, but it's not real life. The fact of the matter is, our expectations are sometimes too high and the poor mate we choose can't humanly live up to what our expectations are. [...] I find in today's world that many never really try all that hard to work on their relationships. It appears flipping from one partner to the other or "needing head space" is the best excuse most can offer. It's called "failure!" [...] To me anything worth having is worth fighting for and that means if there is a problem in [the relationship] and you feel like quitting that's the time you dig in your heels and try to find a solution to the problem. If you don't then you'll simply drift through life in all areas.

...

Is it easy getting through all of this? Of course not! Quit trying to be perfect and realize that it takes work to make anything worthwhile in your life successful. If everything came too easy for us then we wouldn't appreciate it as much.


Answer
You must have heard the famous quote: "It is better to have loved and lost love, than to have never loved at all."

Truer words have never been spoken. Love is a rarity, and when you find it in its most true form, you should cherish it. Although it hurts to have lost love, the pleasure of being in love outweighs the pain of losing it.


Answer
Because we put all our emotions...we give everything..and we expect that the love we give to the one we love will return to us...



Answer

Love may look pleasant at the begining but in its virtue you loose your talents,skills,individuality and success of your life.So never love!!


Answer
Well, they say what else is there? There is plenty: pride, a feeling of accomplishing something, and if one relies just on themself and no one else there is no fear of being hurt. Love often brings trouble. We live in a world where people are just inflicting their issues on each other, so perhaps it is better not to be exposed to someone else's problems and get on with making ourselves happy.


Answer
Because love doesn't have to hurt! When there is love, there is always HOPE. Maybe this time love hurt, but next time it doesn't have to. If you choose not to love, then you also choose not to be loved. Don't you want be loved? That's what I thought..


Answer
Why drive a car if you can get in a car crash? Why walk on the street when you can get mugged? Why eat when you can choke? I think you get my point. Life is one big risk, as so is love. If you don't take the risk you'll never know. Taking that risk in return you can either be loved or heart broken. but I can guarantee you something- whether you are loved or heart broken, you will always gain something- wisdom and experience. you can learn from your heart aches to better your next relationship to make the love of your life. but if you never try at love because you are scared of being hurt, you'll never know if you could feel the best you have ever felt in your life. I think never trying at love is the biggest pain of all. you are depriving yourself of opportunity. besides, a lot of us wouldn't be here if everyone didn't love because it hurt too much. Life goes on, and love will conquer all.

Ancient Wisdom on Romantic Love

"There are three things that amaze me—
no, four things that I don’t understand:
how an eagle glides through the sky,
how a snake slithers on a rock,
how a ship navigates the ocean,
how a man loves a woman."


*****


He: Oh, my dear friend! You're so beautiful! And your eyes so beautiful—like doves!

She: And you, my dear lover—you're so handsome! And the bed we share is like a forest glen. We enjoy a canopy of cedars enclosed by cypresses, fragrant and green.

He: A lotus blossoming in a swamp of weeds—that's my dear friend among the girls in the village.

She: As an apricot tree stands out in the forest, my lover stands above the young men in town. All I want is to sit in his shade, to taste and savor his delicious love. He took me home with him for a festive meal, but his eyes feasted on me! Oh! Give me something refreshing to eat—and quickly! Apricots, raisins—anything. I'm about to faint with love! His left hand cradles my head, and his right arm encircles my waist!

He: Oh, get up, dear friend, my fair and beautiful lover—come to me! Come, my shy and modest dove—leave your seclusion, come out in the open. Let me see your face, let me hear your voice. For your voice is soothing and your face is ravishing.

She: My lover is mine, and I am his. Nightly he strolls in our garden, delighting in the flowers until dawn breathes its light and night slips away. Turn to me, dear lover. Come like a gazelle. Leap like a wild stag on delectable mountains!

He: You're so beautiful, my darling, so beautiful, and your dove eyes are veiled by your hair as it flows and shimmers, like a flock of goats in the distance streaming down a hillside in the sunshine. Your smile is generous and full — expressive and strong and clean. Your lips are jewel red, your mouth elegant and inviting, your veiled cheeks soft and radiant. The smooth, lithe lines of your neck command notice — all heads turn in awe and admiration! Your breasts are like fawns, twins of a gazelle, grazing among the first spring flowers. The sweet, fragrant curves of your body, the soft, spiced contours of your flesh invite me, and I come. I stay until dawn breathes its light and night slips away. You're beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless.

You've captured my heart, dear friend. You looked at me, and I fell in love. One look my way and I was hopelessly in love! How beautiful your love, dear, dear friend — far more pleasing than a fine, rare wine, your fragrance more exotic than select spices. The kisses of your lips are honey, my love, every syllable you speak a delicacy to savor. Your clothes smell like the wild outdoors, the ozone scent of high mountains. Dear lover and friend, you're a secret garden, a private and pure fountain. Body and soul, you are paradise, a whole orchard of succulent fruits — ripe apricots and peaches, oranges and pears; nut trees and cinnamon, and all scented woods; mint and lavender, and all herbs aromatic; a garden fountain, sparkling and splashing, fed by spring waters from the Lebanon mountains.

She: Wake up, North Wind, get moving, South Wind! Breathe on my garden, fill the air with spice fragrance. Oh, let my lover enter his garden! Yes, let him eat the fine, ripe fruits.


*****


"Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful. Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, 'I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.' Laban said, 'It's better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.' So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her."


*****


"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Sun Dogs and Holy Ice

Ha - sounds like some specialty snacks that aliens would buy at a food stand at their local parsec's Galactic Fair.

It was sooooo cold on Sunday.. (how cold was it, Bob?)

It was so cold, that there were sun dogs out all day. You know, those little ribbons of rainbow that bracket the sun like a pair of parentheses. On a super-cold winter day the sunshine reflects off the ice crystals in the atmosphere, and the rainbow brackets hang there, dogging the sun all day.



So when I went to St. Paul Cathedral in the afternoon for the Rite of Election (more on that later), the wind was howling with the chill factor down to -30. Ugh. Makes the little hairs in your nose freeze. That is, if you have some of those. ;)

The closest spot to park was two blocks away and so I run like mad to the nearest door to get out of the wind. Inside the door is a Holy Water basin. I slip off my glove, reach for it, and .. it's solid!

Holy Ice, Batman! Now what? Well, I guess you just rub it with your fingers 'till a little melts and.. you're good to go. :) It's still Holy Water, after all.. just in a different mode.





Which reminds me of a theological discussion we had in class a while back on the "heresy" of Modalism (which I don't think is so much of a heresy as it is a different way of looking at things.) The notion there is that the Trinity is really one God in three "modes" of being, rather than three distinct persons as the classical theologians say.

Water is often used by both groups as an analogy to describe the concept of the Trinity - one in essence, differing in form (or mode.) But some Modalists say that God can only exist in one mode at a time, and their critics say that the account of Jesus' baptism rules that out, since the Father, Son and Spirit seem to all be present simultaneously, so therefore modalism can't be true. Of course, other Modalists don't hold to the "only one mode at a time" thing, but classical Trinitarians just skip right over these people in their objections..

Going back to water as an analogy, one essence in three modes is certainly possible. Imagine heating a chunk of ice in a pan over a stove in a freezing cold cabin in the woods. You would have some water in the form of ice (a solid), some in liquid form surrounding the remaining ice as it melts, and some in the form of water vapor or steam (a gas) as the heated water encounters the cold air in the cabin, and eventually starts boiling. For a period of time, you'd have that original amount of water present in three forms. Hm.

Well, where was I anyway? Oh yes, the Rite of Election.

It was an interesting weekend for me because I also experienced church (or at least worship) in three very distinct forms from Friday night through Sunday afternoon: being part of an audience following a performer's lead in worship at a concert, being up on the platform singing and helping lead a congregation in worship, and being the subject of two formal rituals of faith during worship services. Each distinct modes, but.. one God as the object of all the worship.

Friday night, Steven Curtis Chapman gave a concert at a mega-church in the SW corner of the metroplex. Quite a hike to get there, but.. worth it. I had forgotten just how good he is as a musician and songwriter. All the trappings of the record label's promotions notwithstanding, he was unpretentious on stage, and very effective in directing the focus of the hearts of the audience toward God. It was great to be led in worship by someone who knows how.





Sunday morning, it was my turn to be up in front and sing on worship team, and try to direct the focus of the congregation toward God. Sometimes it was discouraging to see the impassive faces (oh, these stiff Scandinavians!), so.. I just turned my own heart in the right direction, let the energy from nervousness move me toward just being intensely "in the moment", and.. they came around. :) I learned a long time ago that God has to do the moving; a leader's happy-face enthusiasm and manipulative "earnestness" just don't cut it.

Saturday afternoon's Rite of Sending (during the regular Mass) and Sunday afternoon's RIte of Election (at the Cathedral with Archbishop Flynn presiding and blessing us individually afterwards) were both rituals where I was the happy and humbled subject of the Church's attention; the affirmation of my (and others') journey of faith being the occasion for worship, as it were.

So, over the course of 36 hours, I was a follower of others in worship, a leader of others in worship and.. the occasion prompting others to worship. What a blend of rich experiences.. and modes of worship. :)

Does that mean I'm a modalist? Oh, I don't know.. I have one more Systematic Theology course to take next quarter, and *then* maybe I'll know. Or maybe not. ;)

But finally.. my web-based presentation to India is done, and I am exhausted, ready for sleep. Reminds me of the verse from Psalm 127: "In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat - for God grants sleep to those he loves."

Amen to that.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Made it back, but...

...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.



And oh, yeah.. plus.. all day teleconference meeting today, TS502 class tonight, then teaching a technical class for a work group in India from 10:30 to Midnight..



...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I'm off..

..soon, for a whirlwind drive to KC, a full day of meetings, and then drive back, all within 36 hours.

Sometime soon (when I can catch a breath), I'll post something about the events of the previous 36. That's been a whirlwind, too, but one of music, worship, and rituals.

I know I rarely go a day without posting, but.. it's kinda hard to do while driving. ;)

(not to mention while browning veal and hosting dinner & cards for five 20-something college boys, or while helping lead worship, or while leading a breakout session at a business meeting, or while being prayed over by the Archbishop.)

Guess I have a few things going on right now.. :o

Saturday, February 09, 2008

no greater glory, no worse pain

Al son de los arroyuelos
cantan las aves de flor en flor
que no hay más gloria que amor
ni mayor pena de celos
Por estas selvas amenas,
al son de arroyos sonoros,
cantan las aves a coros
de celos y amor las penas.
Suenan del agua las venas,
instrumento natural,
y como el dulce cristal
va desatando los hielos,
al son de los arroyuelos
cantan las aves de flor en flor
que no hay más gloria que amor
ni mayor pena que celos.

De amor las glorias celebran
los narcisos y claveles,
las violetas y penseles
de celos no se requiebran.
Unas y otras se quiebran
las ondas por las orillas
y como las arenillas
ven por cristalinos velos,
al son de los arroyuelos
cantan las aves de flor en flor
que no hay más gloria que amor
ni mayor pena que celos.

Arroyos murmuradores
de la fe de amor perjura,
por hilos de plata pura
ensartan perlas en flores.
Todo es celos, todo amores,
y mientras que lloro yo
las penas que amor me dio
con sus celosos desvelos,
al son de los arroyuelos
cantan las aves de flor en flor
que no hay más gloria que amor
ni mayor pena que celos.

----- Lope De Vega, La Dorotea

two in one

"...because two bodies,
naked and entwined,
leap over time,
they are invulnerable,
nothing can touch them,
they return to the source.

There is no you, no I,
no tomorrow, no yesterday,
no names,
the truth of two in a single body,
a single soul,
oh total being..."

----- Octavio Paz, Sunstone

Unending Love

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the here of time, love of one for another.

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times...
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it's age old pain,
It's ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star, piercing the darkness of time.
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the hear of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers,
Shared in the same shy sweetness of meeting,
The distressful tears of farewell,
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

----- Rabindranath Tagore

Friday, February 08, 2008

strength

.


learning from the past
looking forward every day
confidence in heart


.

Music Reviews: KT Tunstall, Kid Beyond, Temposhark, Tori Amos

Woo! Made it back up to the two-mile distance in running yesterday! :) Not as fast as last fall, but.. at least I am going the distance, as they say. Now go work on the speed, old man. ;)

Well, it's time to post a few more reviews, I guess. I have a driving trip to KC coming up Sunday/Monday where I'll have a chance to sample a few more, plus after that a run to Milwaukee for an MU game and more music to listen to en route, so.. don't want to get backed up and behind!

KT Tunstall - "Eye to the Telescope", "Drastic Fantastic", "Acoustic Extravaganza": Oooh, my new favorite girl singer. For this month, anyway. :) She has a distinct country flair on many songs, not unlike Neko Case or Rilo Kiley, but is still definitely mainstream alternative (read: pop) and getting moreso with each CD release. "Drastic Fantastic" is her latest, and the most pop-py of the bunch, although I think that two of her best songs are from the prior, less-produced CD, "Eye ...", namely Suddenly I See, and Black Horse and the Cherry Tree. "Acoustic Extravaganza" is kind of a collection of B-sides and outtakes and a few songs that didn't make the cut for her first release. Only Miniature Disasters and Universe and U are redundant.

So, besides Suddely I See and Black Horse, my other favorites are: every single track on Eye. Great, great, album. :) As to the other two CDs, I like (from Drastic): White Bird, Someday Soon, Saving My Face, Little Favours, I Don't Want You Now, Hopeless, and (from Extravaganza) Throw Me A Rope, Gone to the Dogs, Girl and Ghost, Change. Not as strong as "Eye", but still thumbs up.

Kid Beyond - "Amplivate": This one's fun. It's really little more than an EP, with lots of remixes. But kind of neat. Electronic, and DJ/house, but.. with widely different vocal styles on the looping parts, sort of like Moby does. I just love the track "I Shall Be Free" which sort of tells a story of a mysterious stranger of the Caine variety on "Kung Fu". Mothership is just plain fun. Wandering Stars is a good track, too, just darker and minor keyed. I guess I'd just recommend downloading the originals and skip all the remixes.. I never do think they add much. But that's my bias. ;) One thumb up. Two thumbs, if it were more than just 4 original tracks.

Temposhark - "It's Better To Have Loved - EP": A little alternative shortie, just 4 tracks, one of which is a remix. But decent, nonetheless. Despite being mostly a slow loop, Invisible Ink is contemplative and good. The title track is easy to listen to, with a plaintive vocal that really comes off more like an unanswered question than a statement. The track "Not That Big" is the only real uptempo one; it kind of reminds me of Propellerheads, though I'm not sure why. It's probably not what they intended. :) Two thumbs up for this little EP.

Tori Amos - "Little Earthquakes", "The Beekeeper": The first one's so old, it almost could have made it into the prior music review of 80's bands: 1992! But again, to me.. she's new. And if I wouldn't have heard Fiona Apple first, I might have said Tori sounds like Fiona.. but I think it's really the other way around. Earnest, honest (brutally so), poignant, dark, strong. Quite an album. I have a feeling that this girl was a trailblazer back in the day, and that a lot of girl piano-playing singer/songwriters followed her lead. Maybe like PJ Harvey..

Liked it so much I went down to my local "Cheapo Discs" store to see what I could find of hers used. For $2.98 I got her 19 track autobiographical CD "The Beekeeper". Hm. Interesting. Much more mellow CD than "Little Earthquakes"; of course, she's quite a few years older on this one. I've heard that some people do tend to mellow out with age. Really? ;)

Not too many I can really call favorites on either CD, since they are so darned intense. She pulls no punches, minces no words. (ex's: Me and a Gun, Crucify, Precious Things, Barons of Suburbia.) But some are easier to listen to than others - I suppose they could qualify. :) So, from "Beekeeper": Martha's Foolish Ginger (it's the name of a boat, not a spice or a soft drink, in case you're curious), Sweet The Sting, Jamaica Inn, Sleeps With Butterflies, General Joy, Ribbons Undone, Ireland, Goodbye Pisces, Marys of the Sea, Toast. From "Little Earthquakes": China, Leather, Mother, Silent All These Years, Winter.

Plus I found a 7 track EP she calls a "Maxi Single" - It's basically one song, "Professional Widow", plus 6 remixes. Some people just loooooove remixes.. :) Me, well - I'm a pretty original kind of guy. ;) Except for this time.. some of the remixes *are* better.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

inhaling

.


air is clear today
when a brooding storm has passed
freshness stays behind


.

Afternoon of a Faun (excerpts)

Did I love a dream?
My doubt, hoard of ancient night, is crowned
In many a subtle branch, which, remaining the true
Woods themselves, proves, alas! that alone I offered
Myself as a triumph the perfect sin of roses.

Let us reflect ...
on whether the women you describe
Represent a desire of your fabulous senses!
Faun, the illusion flows from the cold blue eyes
Of the most chaste like a spring of tears:
But the other, all sighs, do you say she contrasts
Like the warm day's breeze in your fleece?

Motionless, everything burns in the tawny hour
Without revealing by what art together they fled
Too much hymen desired by one seeking the perfect note:
Then shall I rouse myself to the first fervour,
Upright and alone, under an ancient stream of light,
Lilies! and in my innocence I am one with you.

But let it pass! a certain secret chose as confidant
The great twin reed we play beneath the azure sky:
Which, diverting the cheek's emotion to itself,
Dreams, in a long solo, that we seduced
The beauty that surrounds us by false confusions
Between itself and our credulous song;
And, as high as love is sung, of making
A sonorous, empty, monotonous line
Fade from the familiar dream of the back
Or purest flank that I follow with closed eyes.

O nymphs, let us breathe new life into some MEMORIES.

My eye, piercing the reeds, darted upon each
Immortal neck that drowns its burning in the wave
With a cry of rage to the forest sky;
And the splendid bath of hair disappears
In the lights and shiverings, o precious stones!

When from my arms, defeated by vague deaths,
This eternally ungrateful prey frees herself
Not pitying the sob with which I still was drunk.

Too bad! others will lead me to happiness
By their tresses knotted to the horns upon my brow:
You, my passion, know that, purple and perfectly ripe,
Every pomegranate bursts open and murmurs with bees;
And our blood, in love with whoever will seize it,
Flows for the whole eternal swarm of desire.
At the hour when this wood is tinged with gold and ashes,
A divine celebration excites the dead leaves:
Etna! Venus herself walks among you
Setting innocent heels upon your lava,
When a melancholy slumber rumbles and the flame dies away.
I hold the queen!

O certain punishment ...

No, but the soul
Empty of words and this weighted body
Succumb at last to the proud silence of noon:
Now we must sleep, forgetting blasphemy,
Stretched out upon the parched sand and as it pleases me
To open my mouth to the fruitful star of wine!

Couple, farewell; I go to see the shadow you became.



----- Stephane Mallarme, translated from the French by Alan Edwards, musical prelude by Claude Debussy

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Misdirected Sensuality

...or concupiscence for short.

Thomas Aquinas coined the term, apparently. Or at least laid out the concept and drew some conclusions about it. He referred to it as "misdirected sensuality." Sensuality (enjoyment of the senses, and the pleasures thereof) is not inherently bad. In fact, the opposite. God recognized it in creation, and we read of it in Genesis 2:9 - "And the LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food."

Aquinas discussed the misdirection of sensuality by describing two divisions of "sensuality": the concupiscible (pursuit/avoidance instincts) and the irascible (competition/aggression/defense instincts). With the former are associated the emotions of joy and sadness, love and hate, desire and repugnance; with the latter, daring and fear, hope and despair, anger.

The Catholic Catechism refers to concupiscence as "the disorder in our human appetites and desires as the result of Original Sin. These effects remain even after Baptism and produce an inclination to sin." (emphasis mine)

This always reminds me of that great Charles Wesley hymn "Love Divine, All Loves Excelling", and the second half of verse 2:

Take away our bent to sinning;
Alpha and Omega be;
End of faith, as its Beginning,
Set our hearts at liberty.



There is an aspect to sin that involves putting ourselves in the place of God. Not on a throne surrounded by angels being worshipped, mind you, but rather in the place of deciding what's right and wrong, good and bad - at least for us if not for others. Cornelius Plantenga, Jr., in his book (which is the subject of my next report in Systematic Theology II) Not the Way It's Supposed to Be: A Breviary of Sin, says this about it:

"... we not only sin because we're ignorant but we are also ignorant because we sin, because we find it convenient to misconstrue our place in the universe and to reassign divinity to it."

Amen, brother.



So we had a rousing discussion in TS502 about our "bent to sinning", and how it works out in practice. We discussed a phenomenology of sin. The prof took his from Genesis 3, and I took mine from James 1. Now I don't think looking at Genesis 3 for anything normative to our experience is appropriate, since Adam & Eve had not yet sinned. We all have. We start from a different place. Yes, you wind up in the same spot, but by different motivations and in a different order.


Genesis 3

Doubt of God
Deposing God
Disobeying God
Desire unbridled
(unlooked for)


James 1

Desire unbridled
Disobeying God
Deposing God
Doubt of God
(unlooked for)



See the difference? Of course you do.

Well, just in case you don't, let me give it a go.

The prof argued from Genesis 3 that all sin starts with unbelief, with doubting God. Doubting God (his nature, his character, his authority, his word, his motives) leads us to supplant him as God with a god more like us. In fact.. it *is* us. At that point, disobeying God becomes much easier, and (though we didn't look for this as the end result) our desire, our misdirected sensuality, charges off in hot pursuit of its fulfillment, with little or no restraint.

I argued instead from James 1 that all sin starts with misdirected sensuality, and when desire is strong enough to throw off all restraint, we disobey and go against what God says is right. In so doing, we set ourselves up as a higher authority, and (though we never set out to do so) wind up in a position of doubting our view of God as we thought at first. He can't be thus, if we are going to continue our lifestyle, so we need some other God-model that allows for it.


Now.. which one makes more sense to you?

Does your sin start with unbelief? Or with desire?

I know how mine works. James does too.



Either way, Exodus 34:6-7 still holds: "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin."

As does Psalm 130:3-4 - "If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared."

Yes, he is merciful and gracious, and yet.. we need to remember that the grace of God always comes to us stained with blood. And today is a good day to remember that - with ashes - and for the next 40 days as well, with both sacrifice and devotion.

That mercy and that grace came at a price. Let that guide my devotion and my sacrifice.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

SRO at the DFL

Caucusing tonight was the most disorganized event I've seen in a long time. The notion of it is to "gather with your neighbors and talk about what's important in this election." But there were so many people there, that you were already invading people's sense of personal space even before you opened your mouth and started some passionate discussion of the issues.

My goodness. It was like Christmas at the mall. Cars circling the jammed middle school parking lot, hoping a space will open up. Enormous lines to get to the cash register (read: registration table), and that's *if* you could find which room your precinct was using (and that's *if* you knew your precinct - you couldn't get to the city maps posted on the walls, too many people crammed in front of them.)

And the preference ballots.. they looked like a 10 year old had made them up on some off-brand trial version of word processing software that came bundled with their PS2. Nobody was in charge, except this one guy in a ball cap and a three day beard who seemed very sincere, and very haggard (already - and the caucus hadn't started yet.)

But doggone it! This is American politics at its unpolished best, shirt untucked and a little parsley still in the teeth from dinner. :) I'm glad I went. Even though it seemed like a foreign country, being in liberal territory like this. I was glad I could escape to a bastion of conservatism - an Evangelical seminary!

Ha - except that a third of them are Obama supporters, too. ;) So much for Evangelicals voting monolithically; I think there's an undercurrent of change swirling through the immersion tank..

Reading ahead

Tonight is the first night of an 11-night stretch where every evening is committed to something, and none are available for studying! Wow. It's all good stuff, certainly, from classes (RCIA and Bethel) to conferences to basketball games to concerts to hosting dinner to driving to/from KC..

but still, it's a lot. Fortunately, I'm ahead on my reading for TS502 and can roll through this period without worrying about falling behind. Plus, I have President's Day off on the 18th, so I can write my second paper (due the 19th.) Yeah! Good timing!

The second half of February looks much calmer. And that will be a blessing, given that the first two weeks of March look just as packed. What is it about the first half of the month that's so full of fun activity, and the second half that moves sooooo sloooowly?

exhaling

.


still holding my breath
what will our tomorrows bring
will they bring shalom


.

I Speak Not

I speak not, I trace not, I breathe not thy name;
There is grief in the sound, there is guilt in the fame;
But the tear that now burns on my cheek may impart
The deep thoughts that dwell in that silence of heart.

Too brief for our passion, too long for our peace,
Were those hours - can their joy or their bitterness cease?
We repent, we abjure, we will break from our chain, -
We will part, we will fly to - unite it again!

Oh! thine be the gladness, and mine be the guilt!
Forgive me, adored one! - forsake if thou wilt;
But the heart which is thine shall expire undebased,
And man shall not break it - whatever thou may'st.

And stern to the haughty, but humble to thee,
This soul in its bitterest blackness shall be;
And our days seem as swift, and our moments more sweet,
With thee at my side, than with worlds at our feet.

One sigh of thy sorrow, one look of thy love,
Shall turn me or fix, shall reward or reprove.
And the heartless may wonder at all I resign -
Thy lips shall reply, not to them, but to mine.

----- Lord Byron

Monday, February 04, 2008

Hypocrisy ==> Cynicism?

The pastor yesterday talked about cynicism.

First.. what is it? He took a bunch of definitions from people, one of which was pretty dictionary-based: a pervasive skepticism about the sincerity of others. Another one that was pretty thought-provoking was: active hopelessness. Hm.

So I had to ask myself, as I sat there.. am I a cynic?

Gosh, I guess I am. Yuk. :(

About *some* things, anyway.

Not about the goodness and beauty of love. Yet. Not about the mercy and grace of God. Yet.

But about politicians caring? Hell, yes. Corporate America caring? You bet. About regular people like you and me genuinely putting anyone else's interests ahead of their own? Yup. Um.. mostly. I will grant you that there are exceptions to that last one, and I know some. (they fall under the unconditional love department.) But there aren't many.

Do I come across to others as a cynic? Oh.. I suppose. I don't want to, but if I think about it - I suppose I must, huh? :(

So, for all of you that see on these pages a confirmed cynic, I'm sorry. I don't really want to be that. I want to be characterized as a person of active hope, not disaffection and distrust. I gotta think I'm heading in that direction (as I work through these disappointments and losses); it just might take a while to get there. So - hang in there with me?

Then the pastor asked.. what are some things that make one cynical? The first answers from the congregation (including D's and mine) were: disappointments, losses. Yup, I sure got those.

Then there was one more response that got me thinking: hypocrisy.

Woah, now. What?

The person who said that was asked to clarify, and they said.. "well, when the message in someone's actions doesn't match the message in their words (expressed or implied), you become skeptical of their sincerity. And if that happens enough, it leads to cynicism - a suspecting of everyone's sincerity."

Oh. Yeah, that's right. Sure.

So, a second question reared its disturbing head on the drive home from church: do people see hypocrisy in me, and .. if they do .. am I promoting the growth of cynicism in them?

Oh, goodness, no.. I hope that's not so.

I mean, I know I am as full of hypocrisy as the next guy, more than most, really. Whenever I have the courage to look inside my own heart, it's there plain to see - I don't hide it from myself. I know my actions don't match my words. Only on my best days do they.

But, God forbid that I am one more in a series of hypocrites whom people know, and maybe am that "last straw" who pushes them over the edge into full-blown cynicism. God forbid that should be me.

God help me to not be that person. I don't want to cause anyone to be hopeless, disaffected, distrustful, cynical. No piling on, please, not from me. I want instead to lift something *off* the pile of losses, hurts and disappointments that bury people and press them down. I want people, when they chance to think of me, to have reason to have hope for better things - for themselves and others near them.

Hypocrisy, get lost. I wanna take the mask off - not say one thing and do another, or pretend I'm one kind of person while really being another. Yuk.

I want to exchange criticism for grace and peace toward others.
I want to exchange cynicism for hope - both inside and in others.
And as I head into Lent, I want to exchange skepticism.. for trust.

God help me do this.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

At My Most Beautiful

I've found a way to make you smile
I've found a way
A way to make you smile

I read bad poetry
Into your machine.
I save your messages
Just to hear your voice.
You always listen carefully
To awkward rhymes.
You never say your name,
Like I wouldn't know it's you,
At your most beautiful.

I've found a way to make you smile
I've found a way
A way to make you smile

At my most beautiful
I count your eyelashes, secretly.
With every one, whisper I love you.
I let you sleep.
I know you're closed eye watching me,
Listening.
I thought I saw a smile.

I've found a way to make you smile
I've found a way
A way to make you smile


----- R.E.M.

Everybody Hurts

When your day is long and the night,
The night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life,
Well hang on
Don't let yourself go,
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
If you think you've had too much of this life,
Well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts.
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts.
Don't throw your hand.
Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone,
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life,
The days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life
Just hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on,
Hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts.
You are not alone


----- R.E.M.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Music Reviews: XTC, R.E.M., Radiohead

Yeah, yeah, a bunch of old stuff this time. Well, to me it really isn't old. I never listened to these bands when they were coming up, so .. it's all fresh! :)

XTC - "Apple Venus" (Parts 1 & 2): Goodness gracious, me oh my! In the 90's where was I? :) All of a sudden I have a new favorite band! Or.. at least, a new favorite album. And to think I once thought that Wayne Coyne was the new Brian Wilson. Ha! I found a better candidate: Andy Partridge. Part 1 of this 2-CD series could have come right out of "Pet Sounds", except with way more overtly religious imagery. Part 2 is harder-edged, but with still lots of religious imagery, just.. the evil side, not the good.

Wowie, zowie, this is cool! :) I thought that XTC was a late-70's band that was sort of Kiss-like, and so.. one that I could basically ignore. ;) Instead, while I wasn't watching, they evolved into something pretty thought-provoking, with the ability to produce a concept album on the level of the Beach Boys, the Beatles, or the Doors. Favorites: almost everything. :) But topping the list are, from Vol. 1, Easter Theatre (very Beatles-sounding), Greenman, Harvest Festival, I Can't Own Her. From Vol. 2, Church Of Women, I'm The Man Who Murdered Love, My Brown Guitar, Playground, Standing In For Joe, Stupidly Happy, We're All Light. Two thumbs up for this epic two-volume work. :)

The Dukes of Stratosphear - "Chips From The Chocolate Fireball": XTC's alter-ego, and much more directly BeachBoysian, Beatleish, and Hollie-esque (are these even words?) Heck, it's almost a tribute album to these groups (complete with sitars and tambourines), without actually doing any of the songs from their LSD-influenced periods. If you like that style of music, it's done authentically. Favorites: Pale and Precious, Vanishing Girl, You're My Drug, Braniac's Daughter, The Mole From The Ministry (they even play it backwards to reveal the encoded message!). One thumb up. Personally, I prefer jazz. :)

Okay, and while I like these bands which follow, too, I'm not going to rave on *quite* so much. I just uploaded a few older CDs from J1 when she was back at Christmas, and thought they deserved a quick comment or two. Or three.


Radiohead - "Kid A", "Hail To The Thief": So while these guys really did form up in 1988, they seem to be peaking now, with the release of "In Rainbows", reviewed elsewhere. Whenever you see tribute albums coming out, it's a good bet the band has peaked.. unless they can push themselves beyond that success, which Radiohead seems to be able to do. I have to say that some of this stuff reminds me of the "head music" of 1970 or so.. oops. Sorry for that anachronistic reference.

"Kid A": Hm. Peculiar. Some songs (like the title track) seem like aimless doodling - directionless sound. Others, like The National Anthem, sound like the chaotic improvisation of the bebop and new wave jazz of Miles Davis and his followers. Give me tracks like How To Disappear Completely, where there's a discernible melody and a non-jarring feel. If some new-agey sonic drifting is in order, then tracks like Treefingers and Motion Picture Soundtrack do it much more appealingly. :) I suppose you could say that the whole album hangs together thematically. I just don't like the theme, I guess. ;) No thumbs up for this one. :(

"Hail To The Thief": This one didn't rise to the level of In Rainbows either. But it's closer. :) I think I'd rather listen to something by The Flaming Lips instead. I mean, I like Thom Yorke's voice better than Wayne Coyne's, but Coyne has a way with a melody and a hook and a feeling that appeals to me a lot more. But this CD is more atmospherically friendly to the listener (less argumentative sonically) than "Kid A", by quite a stretch. Each track also has a subtitle on this CD, not sure why. Maybe just to be sure that we all remember that they're still quirky, even if this CD isn't quite so? :) Favorites: Sail To The Moon, I Will, A Punch Up, Scatterbrain, Go To Sleep, Sit Down, Stand Up. One thumb up for this CD. Still needs more melody to go with all that atmosphere. ;)


R.E.M. - "Automatic For The People", "Monster", "Around The Sun", and two "Best Of" CDs (1982-87; 1988-93): Yikes! Waaaay too much music to discuss in depth, so I'll just hit the highlights.

First off, am I right in thinking that these guys pretty much invented the genre of "alternative" music? They sure had the sound down pat 20 years ago. Their old stuff sounds awfully fresh, still. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the radio station I listen to plays these guys routinely, right alongside Lifehouse, Death Cab for Cutie, Coldplay and KT Tunstall. :)

So many good songs scattered throughout the years.. most are great for laying back and reading/chilling, not too aggressive on the ears, but with lyrics that are engaging enough and picturesque enough (ex's: Aftermath, The Great Beyond, Nightswimming) to listen attentively when you want to. The latest CD, Around The Sun, missed the cutoff of the last "Best Of" CD, and it is a great album. So I can hardly wait for their new release in May. :)

Too many favorites to list them all (their catalog is as big as U2's), but some of the better of the best: Aftermath, All The Right Friends, Around The Sun, At My Most Beautiful (sooo Beach Boys!), Bad Day, Daysleeper, Everybody Hurts, Fall On Me, Final Straw, I Wanted To Be Wrong, Imitation of Life, Leaving New York, Losing My Religion, Make It All Okay, Man On The Moon, Nightswimming, The Outsiders, Sweetness Follows, Wanderlust. Wow. That's quite a list.. one burned CD's worth, in fact, which has been playing in the car lately. :)

Friday, February 01, 2008

Bayesian credibility and the K constant

Named after the mathematician (and pastor!) Thomas Bayes, of course, who first articulated the concept in a paper published posthumously in 1764. The Wikipedia entry on him states:

"He is known to have published two works in his lifetime: Divine Benevolence, or an Attempt to Prove That the Principal End of the Divine Providence and Government is the Happiness of His Creatures (1731), and An Introduction to the Doctrine of Fluxions, and a Defence of the Mathematicians Against the Objections of the Author of the Analyst (published anonymously in 1736), in which he defended the logical foundation of Isaac Newton's calculus against the criticism of George Berkeley, author of The Analyst."

Ooooooh. Sounds so very geeky. In a virile (and godly!) sort of way, I mean. And yes, those two things *can* go together! In the right man.. :P

Real actuarial work for a change! :) Woot! With the boss off to Zurich this week, I have some time in my schedule to work on bigger projects, and this one has a little of the science in it that I spent so many years learning.

People have asked me why I keep all the technical papers, textbooks and binders of actuarial exam material (which takes up about 30 linear feet of bookshelf space) - could I possibly still use them? Oh, yeah, baby! Just this morning, in fact. And darned if I didn't know exactly which book to pull, and which formulae to look for. Mind like a steel trap, yes sir.

I'm glad I don't have to *derive* formulae anymore.. just apply them. :)

So, what I was looking for was a 1967 paper by Switzerland's Hans Buhlmann (the paper was already about 20 years old when I was studying it - which, by the way, is one of the reasons I missed what was going on musically and culturally in the 80's. No time!) That, and the later contributions of Stuart Klugman (department chair at Iowa State, and oh, so dry as a speaker) and Gary Venter (no slouch at wearing down an audience, either) were pretty much what I needed.

The mission? To find the elusive K.

As in Z = P/(P+K) where P is the number of (insurance) claims you have in your data, Z is the credibility value (the percent you can believe what your own data are telling you), and K is the constant that lets you asymptotically approach 1 (or full credibility) as your dataset gets larger, but not ever quite believe it fully. This is appropriate because your data are really only a subset of the universe of data, regardless of how much you have.

The assumption is that the emergence of your claims follow a Poisson distribution, and that the size of those claims is modeled by some relatively thick-tailed distribution, such as Lognormal, Weibull, generalized Pareto, or the ever-popular three-parameter Gamma.

I've always been partial to a thick-tailed distribution myself, when it comes to modeling. ;) And oh, I know it's old-fashioned of me, but.. her classic, pretty lines and that easy way she has of telling you everything you want to know (mmm.. those simple parameters.. so sweetly agreeable) with no need for a lot of extra "interpreting", leads me back to the Lognormal every time. (sigh) Lovely... and so exquisitely parsimonious.

(Who else but an actuary can work himself into a bit of a lather over the beauty and ease of handling of a certain type of loss distribution? Anyway, I digress.) With those assumptions K should represent the ratio of Process Variance to Parameter Variance, converted to the same base as the item you are modeling, in my case claim counts.

So, since minds brighter than mine (including old Stu from Iowa State) have done the experimenting, how about if I try some of their tried and true values of K? So I do, and woohoo! The results are so intuitively pleasing.. exactly (well, within +/- 5% of) the results I expected a priori, just from instinct and past experience.

Oooh, I love it when the data confirm my intuition! And wouldn't every Myers-Briggs INTJ feel exactly the same?

Gee, it's nice to have some fun at work for a change. :)

Must be the turn of the month. I always seem to cheer up about now..
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