obscurity

.


discreet existence
nothing compelling to know
what impact is there


.

Beating A (Post-Thanksgiving) Retreat

So, Thanksgiving is past, the Christmas playlist is fired up on iTunes, Advent has started at church, and the local community center has its lights on. Where's the snow???




My new "secret recipe" for cranberry sauce went over very well at Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws this year. Not like the Moroccan Carrot soup from two years ago, which I'm still getting razzed about. Hey, it was good! Just different. (Hmpf. Such pedestrians...) So now, finally, I have a hit recipe, and a standing order for something to bring each year. Yay. :)

As usually happens when I'm with the in-laws (or any family, really - whenever there's a lot of them), I get claustrophobic and need to give myself a "time-out". ;) So, Friday morning when everyone scattered to either shop (in two separate parties, males and females), or bake cookies, or see friends... I retreated.



G&G have this piece of wooded land with a cabin on it,




not too far away, that sort of serves as a family vacation spot / retreat center. I headed for that, and spent the bulk of the day chilling, communing with nature,




and reading yet another theology book (almost done with them, too - only one of the 12 that I started with in September is left to read!)

It is so nice there. Maybe next year when I take my annual spiritual retreat... I should put the place to use.



Hm. That is, if all that family will agree to stay away. Doubtful.

thanksgiving

.


all i have today
ultimately was a gift
thus a grateful heart

.

vacation

.


set my own schedule
do what i want when i want
at least till monday


.

Family Influences

Today I just finished up the last assignment for one of my two classes in Seminary this quarter, SP505, Spiritual Formation. Although there are more classes to attend there is no more reading or work to do, so ... rah! Done with one, and I can spend all remaining effort and energy on GC505DE, which has plenty of reading and papers left. :(

But as a reward for working hard even while on vacation... tomorrow is a movie day! I think I'll see Paranormal Activity, Twilight: New Moon, and The Blind Side, at a minimum. Maybe This Is It as well. We'll see how long my butt holds out.

The assignment just completed and sent to my editor (who lives upstairs) was 2500 words on the influences from my background (culture, family, peers, gender, temperament, etc.) that have contributed, positively or negatively, to my formation spiritually. I actually had writer's block for a while. Me! Writer's block! Imagine...

Honestly, this was one of the harder papers I've had to write, in part because so much of my background contributed negatively to my spiritual formation. It wasn't a pretty picture. And yet, somehow, God used people and circumstances to break through it all (or worked through them all) to step in and guide my development, including a lot of it within the last 5-7 years.

Writing the paper was discouraging & encouraging at the same time. Sort of like life.

Self-differentiation

has been the topic du jour in SP505 lately.

Differentiation, along with family systems, seems to be a hot topic in therapy circles right now. My two profs are both therapists, and one is also a pastor. So they talk about what they see in clients, and give examples from their own lives as well.

So what is differentiation of self?

It's the degree to which one is able to balance emotional and intellectual functioning (having clarity about thoughts vs feelings), and balance intimacy and autonomy in relationships (having both togetherness and separateness), while progressing toward, and developing, life goals.

Whew. Put in more concrete terms, if you are self-differentated, you:

> are responsible "to" others, not responsible "for" them.

> can care deeply... in a controlled way.

> value self highly... and can sacrifice self out of compassion.

> can act selflessly for others out of choice... not out of pressure.

> are not easily controlled by others, nor do you seek to control.

> can choose to be open and transparent, without pretense or fear.

> can state a need, ask for help, without shame or bargaining.

> are not easily manipulated, but are easily teachable.

> know your limitations, but are willing to face the pain of growth.

> resist pressure to match others' feelings and emotional tone.

> can graciously hold your position despite social pressure to conform.

> have no need to present a false front, play a part for others.

> are not dependent on others' success/happiness for your well-being.

The other interesting idea related to this is that in a relationship where the two parties are not in that balanced state of differentiation (they are not able to be both authentically intimate and have a healthy independence), there is usually a person who is "over-functioning" and one who is "under-functioning".

One often has a problem being intimate (staying connected), and the other often has a problem being autonomous (allowing for independence), though not always. In some cases, the well-being of one is dependent on the self-image or behavior of the other.

In unbalanced relationships, for the under-functioning (u-f) partner to ever improve (be more successful/independent/responsible), the over-functioning (O-F) partner must stop rescuing/enabling/defining (and being defined by) the other.

The O-F partner must continue to be responsible to the u-f partner, but stop being responsible for the u-f partner's well-being. It's as if the u-f partner's growth is constrained by the O-F one. Only when the O-F partner practices more autonomy and detachment (going through the pain of allowing the u-f partner to take charge of their own well-being), can the u-f partner ever become free to grow stronger.

This same thing could be said about multi-person relationships, like a work team and a struggling co-worker, or an adult child and her anxious parents, or a church group and a needy parishioner. Whichever party is "concerned about" the attitude/situation/success of the other must compassionately "back off" and, while staying connected, allow them to struggle toward wholeness and take ownership of their own well-being.

In this way, both parties grow, including the one who "backs off", who then stops being defined by the success or failure of the other person. Being responsible TO others, but not responsible FOR them, not allowing my own well-being to be defined by the other person's "success" or "failure" - that's differentiation of self.

The profs made clear that the growing in self-differentiation is always painful - for all parties involved. And I can definitely relate to that. From both sides.

John Mayer vs The Fray

Yesterday I finally got a copy of The Fray's new self-titled CD, and played it non-stop. So good.

Today I got the pre-release download version of John Mayer's new CD "Battle Studies", and have played it non-stop since. So good.

Almost made forget about that dental visit today. Almost. The needle and the drill reminded me of why I was there (to replace an old filling that was leaking). And it wasn't too bad, thanks to the nitrous oxide I requested. Even if the insurance plan doesn't cover it, it's still worth the out-of-pocket cost for this child of the early 70s. :P

But back to my story. So why "borrow" one CD (Mayer), and "buy" the other (Fray)? John Mayer was a known commodity to me, The Fray was not. All I knew was one song of theirs, "How To Save A Life". Would the rest be any good? Oh yeah. So now their prior CD is on order at the library, too. :) And I have to say that, fan as I am of John Mayer, getting the Fray's latest for free was the better deal.

But there was an added incentive to buy John Mayer's latest: A presale code for buying tickets to his March 2 show here! Yeah, boy. Mezzanine, center, two on the aisle? Thank you very much.

constraints

.


forcing me to wait
go at the pace set for me
still can't choose my own


.

Racism & Prejudice

...are not synonymous. At least according to my SP505 profs.

Anybody can be prejudiced. And most people are, to some degree. Most of us have preconceived ideas about people based on their appearance or language or associates. Those preconceived ideas are generalized to apply to all members of a class or group... until we actually get to know one of them. :) Then, maybe not so much.

So, prejudice is kind of a universal human failing. But racism is different. It's institutionalized prejudice imposed on you from the outside by those in power, and designed to create or perpetuate an economic or political advantage over you. Or so the profs said.

Examples might be the fleecing of Jews' wealth by the Nazi Government, or the confiscation of Native American lands by the US Government. Key to racism is the forced definition of race by law or regulation or court action. Examples might be the past denial by the US Supreme Court of citizenship and property rights to Hindu and Japanese men because they were not "white" enough. Or the past requirement for people in Germany to wear yellow Stars of David based on the degree of Jewish blood in their ancestry.

One of my profs (a white male) went so far as to say that he was a racist simply because he is a beneficiary of the historic economic inequity that still persists between white and non-whites, even decades after the Fair Housing Act removed racial language from the lending policies of the Federal Housing Administration (which led directly to the development of white suburbia post-WWII, and indirectly to "white flight" from the inner cities).

Really?

So if you benefit from the lingering impacts of past racist public policy... you are also a racist?

I asked if that meant that my Asian-born children are also racist? After all, though they were born overseas and are ethnically not "white", they grew up with all the advantages that accrued to me as a "white" male in the USA. So, are my Asian kids "racist"?

His response? "Well.. that's up to you to decide."

Nice cop-out, professor. Gee, I thought you had just defined racism for me. Ooops. I think you just revealed your own "institutionalized" guilt feelings...

On the way back to the parking lot after class, I mentioned to a classmate (who emigrated from South Korea at 17) that I didn't feel guilty. But I do feel fortunate.

Very.

Empty

She lifts her skirt up to her knees,

walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.

I never learned to count my blessings,

I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.

I walk on down the hill,

through grass, grown tall and brown

and still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain.

On past the busted back of that old and rusted Cadillac

that sinks into this field, collecting rain.

Will I always feel this way?

So empty, so estranged.

And of these cut-throat busted sunsets,

these cold and damp white mornings I have grown weary.

If through my cracked and dusted dime-store lips

I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me?

Lay your blouse across the chair,

let fall the flowers from from your hair

and kiss me with that country mouth, so plain.

Outside, the rain is tapping on the leaves, to me it sounds

like they're applauding us, the quiet love we've made.

Will I always feel this way?

So empty, so estranged.

Well I looked my demons in the eyes,

laid bare my chest, said "Do your best, destroy me.

You see, I've been to hell and back so many times,

I must admit you kind of bore me."

There's a lot of things that can kill a man,

there's a lot of ways to die,

listen, some already did that walked beside me.

There's a lot of things I don't understand, why so many people lie.

It's the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?

So empty, so estranged.

----- as sung by Ray LaMontagne

Ray LaMontagne

What a gorgeous theater, The State. Along with The Orpheum



and The Pantages, part of the Hennepin Theatre Trust.



which are all roughly the same vintage, c. 1920. They're still gorgeous, beautifully restored. Man, that must have been quite a time, when all three of these were new and full and poppin'.



The crowd was mostly mid-twenties, with the occasional grey-beard thrown in. :) And it was definitely date night: lots of young couples. Aww. Not me, though. Too late getting to the box office when tix first went on sale. All that was left were single seats. :(



So, without a zoom on my cell phone camera, it's hard to see any detail on the pic of the opening act. Her name was Lissie: just a girl and her guitar & voice. She was kind of Alanis Morissette meets Neko Case. You definitely had to pay attention when she sang.

But the balcony seat wasn't too bad, really. The sound system at all three of these theatres is just superb.

Great, great sound was coming from the performers. You never really felt remote from them.



So for the headliner, I snuck down to the end of the balcony for one shot, and to the main floor side aisle for another.



Ray was great. He told a lot of stories, incl. a sweet and funny one about living with his Uncle Bob in Minneapolis when Ray was directionless and drifting in his early 20s. I get that. Sometimes that feeling persists into your early 50s. ;)



He sang all my favorites: Empty, Winter Birds, Let It Be Me, You Are The Best Thing, Trouble. Told a lot of stories. Just a guy and his guitar & voice. And what a voice.

chronic

.


same old frustrations
though the circumstances change
the constant is me


.

Beauty, Culture, and Evangelicals

Do these things go together in your mind?

They ought to, but I'll bet they don't. They really haven't gone together since the Protestant Reformation took righteous pleasure in cleansing European cathedrals of their art.

In my two Seminary classes this term, there is much discussion of the relationship of Christians and culture. George & McGrath have a quote: "Christianity can survive without culture, but can culture survive without Christianity?" Now that may be an extreme viewpoint, but they are trying to make a point.

If Christians are called (by Jesus, no less) to be "salt" and "light" in the world, the preserving & seasoning functions of salt and the revealing & clarifying functions of light don't have any effect unless they are in direct contact with the world's culture. And when Christians are in contact with culture, unafraid of it, engaged with it, critically reviewing it, then what's good in culture has a chance to be revealed... and preserved. The Roman poet Virgil did this with Homer's articulation of Greek culture, just like St. Augustine incorporated into Christian culture what he found to be good in Virgil.

Virgil examined Homer's work, and without critiquing style, focused instead on his Greek worldview, seeing in it what did and did not fit Roman culture, preserving the best. Augustine explained where he thought Virgil was lacking, as well as where he was right, but he did not critique his use of language and verse. He critiqued his ideas. And so, when we engage culture in a critical way, we really should not evaluate the end product, but rather evaluate the worldview of the artist in question, since one's work is inseparable from one's worldview. Ravi Zacharias said this at a lecture at Penn State:

"We should never debate art at the point of expression, but at the point of understanding. If artists can successfully defend their worldview, they should never have to defend their art."

Speaking of popular culture, I'm going to spend some time critically engaging Mad Men, and (especially in the Season 3 finale) reliving my experiences with the serial infidelities of Corporate America: it says it loves you as an employee, cares about you as a worker, but at its core it is opportunistic, just using you and looking out for its own interests.

So... what is there that is good in Corporate America? What is there in its worldview that is worth preserving? I suppose if I try hard enough, I'll think of something. ;)

Straight No Chaser

A night spent at the Fine Line is always a fine night.

It was pretty pleasant weather out, such that a light coat made standing on line waiting for the doors to open seem pleasant.



I really like both the decor and the setup of this place. It has the sleek black/chrome/neon motif of many clubs, plus a great way of doing table seating. You pay an extra $30/ticket to get a seat at a reserved table, but that $30 comes right back to you in the form of a bar/food tab. And the prices are normal, so what you would normally spend on food and drink, you still spend.. but you get to enjoy it at a table.



And our table was close enough that the performers were very visible, but not so close as to be able to see all their blemishes. ;) (not that there were many, given that they're all about 31 now..)



Straight No Chaser started out as a college acapella group at Indiana U, and graduated to a recording/touring group, having the #1 holiday CD on iTunes last season. Last night they did three obligatory Christmas tunes, but the rest was a mix of traditional close harmony (Drifters, Ink Spots, glee club), and contemporary songs done in acapella style (Amy Winehouse, Jason Mraz, Red Hot Chili Peppers).



They really worked up a sweat, as male performers are wont to do, as well as putting out solid music. Wound up being a fun little outing after a hard week of work and study. :)

Gender, Sexuality, and Spiritual Formation

Like these should go together? The old-school me would say "no way".

But the new (grad-) school me says, "sure, why not?" Bring it on. Let's talk about it - you, me, and all the rest of the class!

Last week and this week in SP505 were devoted to Sexuality & Spirituality. It wasn't as awkward as the profs' disclaimers made it out to be, either. The premise is that God created us male and female, and in several places the Bible holds sexuality out as a gift, a blessing, an essential part of us, an aspect of Imago Dei, and even a human metaphor for intimacy with God. So... if sexuality is given to us by God, then there must be a spiritual component to it, and vice versa. Conversely, if you are "off course" in one of the two areas, you are likely negatively affected in the other one, too. So, they are deeply linked, and one affects the other.

Yeah, boy. Don't I know it? ;)

Gender is described as one aspect of human sexuality, along with one's sexual identity, sexual biology, and sexual orientation. These work together in a complex and incomprehensible process to compose one's sexuality as a whole.

Sure. If you say so. Complex, incomprehensible.. I'll grant you that.

It was definitely an interesting discussion of gender last night. Many stereotypes were bandied about by the class, along with much good humor. And the point was clearly made that gender is a culturally-defined concept, and varies from one culture to another, even from one sub-culture to another within the same larger culture.

But, as with both jokes and stereotypes, gender also is an exaggeration of an underlying truth. Culture takes biological differences (the hard-wired physiological and emotional characteristics driven by chromosomes and hormone levels), and blows them out of proportion, amplifies them to the point of distortion, while at the same time embedding those distortions in concrete, as if they were unassailable and timeless truths.

It was pretty interesting to see differences among same-sex classmates on how gender roles were perceived (as positive or negative). Not all women saw femininity the same way, nor did men see masculinity uniformly. I'm sure you get this without me going into a long list of examples, although there are plenty.

The rest of the night was spent on a question I asked from the prior week. One author duo we studied defined "authentic sexuality" as being that expression of sexuality that is whole, integrated and God-honoring. However, they talked about it exclusively within the confines of marriage. And yet, they made the point that sexuality is much broader and richer than the "simple" act of sexual intercourse.

So I asked: alright, if you take sexual intercourse out of the picture, whether due to dysfunction or inappropriateness, what is "authentic sexuality" in that situation? How do you live a life of fully integrated and God-honoring sexuality if you are... by circumstance or by choice... celibate? Like, for instance... Jesus. And Paul. Or the Ethiopian eunuch to whom St. Philip expounded the Scripture. Or Joni Eareckson Tada. Or Stephen Hawking. Or Mother Teresa.

The profs did some research and came back with answers. Cool. I like it when professors take your questions seriously. :)

What does it look like, for instance, to be a single person, fully expressing your God-given sexuality, while still honoring God in the process? On one end of the spectrum is an inappropriate total denial/repression/rejection of one's sexuality; on the other end is a no-holds-barred unconstrained licentious reveling in it. What's the balance? They quoted at length from this article.

For those of you who don't tend to click through, the point was that sexuality is a means of experiencing intimacy with another person, (ideally) without shame in each other's presence, as with Adam & Eve in the beginning, each seeing, knowing, and affirming each other fully. The desire for intimacy, though, while tied up with sexuality, is not confined to it. And all sexuality is, to some degree, really a distillation of a much greater desire for intimacy with God: to know and be known... and then to be loved unconditionally by that One who knows you. That desire for intimacy and unconditional love is translated to human relationships in many ways, sexuality being only one of many. We operate sub-optimally when we think that sex is the only path to intimacy, or that intimacy only occurs with sex.

Although... it sure helps. ;)

Spiritual Family Tree

For SP505, one of our main assignments (due this week, just when I am fighting with a "change of seasons" headcold) is a "genogram".

It's essentially a family tree, with special focus on the spirituality, values, education, relationships, etc. of your ancestors. The idea is that your family system has an impact on who you become, and if you put it on a diagram, maybe you can get insights into how that happened in your particular case.

The profs warned us that it could be upsetting for some people; family dynamics can do that. And it was upsetting to me, a bit. I did not like marking so many relatives as deceased. :(

I also didn't like noting where there was conflict in my family and among my forebears. But it was interesting to see how some behavioral things have trickled down the generations to today, and how my generation made a clean break with some faith tradition things that were long-standing.

I guess that means that, while your family influences you... it doesn't determine you. Each of us still have a chance to overcome negative family dynamics and replace them with new, positive, ones.

If we want to.

(excuse me if I keep this unusually short. I need to go cough, blow my nose, apply more Zicam, and see if I can actually work today.)

Birthday Weekend

was pretty nice.

Saturday turned out to be the kind of Fall day I like: crisp, clear air, sun, a little breeze, and most of the leaves turned and dropped, so that the wind was kicking them up everywhere.

Birthday or no, I still had homework, and chose to study a good part of the day on campus, which is so pretty this time of year, especially on the path by the lake:



and from the steps of the new commons.



The commons building is several floors up on the hill above the lake




so it has great views from the upper floor of the cafeteria.



That night, we went to see a dinner theatre performance of "Always... Patsy Cline", which was outstanding. Just a great performance of some memorable music. Cameras were not allowed, but I did sneak one of the stage before the show began.



Top that off with working the hospitality table at church on Sunday, a really nice All Saints Day service, and football with pizza in the afternoon (and Brett showing that he hasn't forgotten how to win at Lambeau)... made it a pretty good birthday weekend all round. Not much missing.

Except a loved one or two. But that'll come, in time. :)

Autumn

.

trees dropping their drawers

leaves one serious yardful:

fall's crispy colors

.