Motivations

This morning I was thinking about what in life motivates me. Not necessarily the things I value highly and enjoy, like music and beauty and symmetry and philosophy and meaning, but the things that I have consistently found myself striving to have present in my personal life.

I first started thinking about it in terms of what I want in a job, since I'm not crazy about this one, but then I thought "Oh, there's more to this than just the workplace. These things motivate my personal life, too." So, I'll start with the general application and then move to work.

This is a short list, but it hits the big motivations that have been around my whole life:

Freedom of Movement
Privacy
Individuality
Creativity
Self-expression
Being Wanted/Loved



The first two I suppose are variations on the idea of having a high degree of independence and autonomy (setting my own agenda, not having to answer closely to others, being able to pick up and go when and if I want.) It's been a driving force in my choices my whole life long. I've just suppressed it - a lot, for relationship reasons. And it's definitely been a source of either tension or lack of depth in most of my relationships. But if I ever feel like I have a real choice - I'll opt for autonomy every time.

Now bring in the notion of individuality, and you get the idea that I do NOT want to be what others expect me to be, to fit into a mold, play a role. I bristle at that. So much so, that I've found myself sometimes doing crazy and oddball things that I might not otherwise do, if for no other reason than to break a mold, step outside a pattern, do the unexpected, improvise, startle, get around the slowpoke in front of me, shake off the chafing yoke around my neck.

Part of this is related, I guess, to the artistic bent that I come wired with. Creativity is constantly bubbling inside and often boils over uncontrollably. The ideas just come, unbidden. I can't stop them. So I am driven to find situations where I can let it out "safely" and not scare people. ;) But if I have to be scary to vent the creativity, then darn it, I will be! Too bad. And, like the fiercely independent artist, they need to be *my* ideas, not someone else's who is simply paying my bills. I want my "patron" to allow me artistic freedom! :)

And this spills over into self-expression. I have a need to say what's on my mind, pour out what's on my heart, sing what's in my soul, whether people like it or not. Of course I hope they do, but - if they don't - I still need to get it out. Thank God for weblogs, community theatre, clubs and cabarets for singing and acting, and classrooms for teaching. I'd go crazy if I couldn't do these things, and have been miserable whenever those opportunities haven't been there.

Finally, the last item - being loved, being wanted. This is pretty universal, granted. But notice - it's *not* being needed! No, I have no real desire to be needed, because that implies a lack of autonomy, less freedom of movement. I'd much rather be *wanted* than needed. And I really don't want someone else dependent on me, any more than I want to be dependent on someone else. I admire autonomy and independence in others, too.

But! to be wanted, and loved... oh my yes! When I create, and express myself, and people enjoy it and want more... life is good. When someone knows who I am inside and loves me because of (or maybe *despite*) what they find inside, life is great! Sometimes I find a situation which is so good that way, that I never want it to stop, never want the show to close, the audience to tire, the words to stop flowing, the loving to take a break, the intimacy to need space.

Yet these things *have* to happen, don't they, at least occasionally, or those who want me and/or love me would be, in effect, prisoners, no? And rather than perform for a captive audience, or be loved by someone who's duty-bound to it, who wouldn't rather have people come back to you of their own accord because they enjoy who you are and what you do for them? Of course!

Yes, it takes more courage and self-confidence to let people be free of you if they choose to be, but then if they *do* stay, whether as fans or as friends or as lovers, their devotion to you is all the more sweet! Does even God prefer to be loved out of a sense of obligation? Or is His desire rather for a love and devotion from us which results from His kindness toward us, and our response to who He is?

So, okay, this is the personal life application, but what about work?

I think what this means for a job is that I want one where I:

am in charge, in the lead
have competent, independent staff
am not micro-managed, but trusted
implement my own ideas, not someone else's
can travel as I see need
get opportunities to teach and train
am valued by the company, my boss, my staff

So, let's see now... one out of seven isn't bad. Well - yes, it is. :(

I actually remember having one where all seven were in place. Believe it or not, I actually had the chance to write song lyrics and wear funny costumes and sing, and it was job-related! It was the most fun I've had in my 30+ years of working. At this point, I'd like very much one where I can hit on 5 or so of the above. Compared to where I am now, that would sure be sweet.