Distinctives and questions (updated)

Didn't make it back from visiting family in time to make the 4:30 mass Saturday at either St. Rose's or St. Margaret Mary this week, but was able to get to a 5:00 mass here.

Once again, a much different place than the others I've visited. Do all parishes have this much distincitveness from each other? For some reason I thought that the liturgy made Catholic parishes more... what, uniform?... than Evangelical churches. Nope. :)

This congregation, for instance, was much more enthically diverse than the other two. And, they had a choir. And, they had very different music than the others.

Not to mention that there were no kneelers! What's up with that? I wanted some! It was a hard tile floor.. :(

And, instead of a basin with holy water in it where you enter, there was what looked like a cross-shaped baptismal tank? The thing had steps in it. It had to be for baptising. And it was full of water.. but nobody got dunked today, so.. what's up with that? And I felt kind of dumb wanting to reach down in there to wet my fingers to make the sign of the cross, but... there wasn't anything else around. Weird.

This is also the first place where I've noticed that some people, when they take the Eucharist, will eat the bread (read: wafer - kinda crunchy. Sort of like a corn chip. Hm.) but they walk right past the cup. What's up with that? Why would you take the body but not the blood of Christ? It's like being only halfway forgiven? I don't get it.

A cool thing, though, was when they brought up the "gifts", as they call them. I'm still not sure I follow that notion. Some family brought up the weekly money offerings in a basket for the priest to receive and give thanks for. Plus, they bought up the bread and wine, and they referred to them all as "gifts", like the bread and wine were offerings, too. I read about this somewhere, but I'm not sure I follow.

I thought we celebrate the gift of Jesus' body and blood given for *us*, not the other way around. But the whole Eucharist ceremony seems like a sacrifice, and I think they even call it that. I suppose that's consistent with Paul's command in Romans to "offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, acceptable unto God, which is your spiritual worship." I have to think about that whole business some more.

But where was I going with this? Oh! Yeah. When the priest received the gifts, he gave thanks for them, and the form of his prayer was just like the wording of the Seder blessing for the ritual foods (among which are wine and matzoh). It was cool. :) It connected nicely with Passover, as it should.

So, a very different mass this week. And now, this morning, after the "contemporary" church service at the Baptist church, I have even more comparisons to draw. :)

The Catholic priest was not a natural preacher, that's for sure. Poor guy. He struggled. Thankfully he knocked off after 10 minutes. :) And I thought he really missed an opportunity this week. The Gospel reading was Jesus' parable of the guy who tore down his old barns and built new ones, since he was so prosperous. And the punch line to the story is "You fool, this very night your life will be required of you - then who will enjoy all you've accumulated?"

Boy, with the 35W bridge collapse this week, what a great segue that Scripture makes to a discussion about the brevity of life and the need to keep short accounts with God. But he blew right past it. I sure know what homily *I* would have given. You have people's attention this week on that subject, man - use it!

The Baptist church had a guest speaker this week. That makes the 6th time out of seven weeks of visiting Evangelical churches that the regular pastor has been on vacation. What's up with that? I know it's summer and that season doesn't last long here, but.. c'mon! Which brings up a question: do priests take vacation? They seem to always be around, never gone.

Hey, I don't know this stuff! Stop laughing..

Anyway, the guest speaker was no prize either in the preaching department. But, unlike the priest, he went on rambling for 40 minutes. :( Honestly, there was a point where it got offensive to me. When he turned it into a slideshow of *his* ministry, it became a workshop, not worship. And this has happened in Evangelical churches wherever I've gone. I hate it, just hate it!

I can't imagine Catholics even thinking of such a thing - inserting 40 minutes of ministry description in the middle of the liturgy! To me they have too much respect for the Eucharist, the ministry of the Word, and being in the presence of the Holy, to entertain such a notion.. but the Evangelicals don't think twice about it. The lack of respect for worship galls me.

But! They did sieze the opportunity at the opening of the service to focus attention on the tragic events of the week, where the Catholics nearly blew that off completely. The Baptist worship leader gently brought people to prayer and to meditation on those who were suffering, and then led the congregation in the Lord's Prayer (which the Catholics call the "Our Father", but - same difference. I think I like the Catholic cadence to it better, even though I find myself sort of blending the two in my own goofy way.)

And the music today. Waaaaaay better, thank you. It was contemporary, yes, and still too performance-based for my liking (not enough opportunity for the congregation to sing) but at least it had some depth to it. No namby-pamby choruses and fluff pieces. They started with the Doxology, took it realllll slooooow, and cranked up the organ to swell the ending. And as the last chord hung in the air, the drums and bass kicked in to a good Lincoln Brewster praise tune. The worship leader did pump the crowd a bit too much, though. We're not at a concert, here..

Then some more older hymns (This Is My Father's World, Nothing But The Blood of Jesus) and a newer one that is really rich (How Deep The Father's Love For Us) which were all done in a contemporary style - modern chord structures, rhythms and singing styles that you could easily hear on a top 40 radio station right now. Nicely done that way. Contemporary, yes, but with depth.

An extra little plus today was that it was the first Sunday of the month, so they had Communion. Those Evangelicals! Can't have too much of a good thing, you know - everything in moderation, including Communion. It did make the comparison to the Eucharist the day before a little easier, though. Again, the Evangelicals took a more casual approach to things. Much less preparation, contemplation, or serious engagement. And, as usual, there's no need to leave your seat. You pass the plates and serve yourself. Feels more like a family dinner and a toast in Jesus' honor, than a humbling and reinforcing experience of forgiveness directly from Jesus. And I suppose... that's about the difference.

So, next week, St. Rose's at 4:30 on Saturday, and Calvary's sister church down the street the other direction at 10AM Sunday. Contemporary again - that's all they do there, I guess. Hmmm... wonder if we'll get to see the actual regular preacher, and get our batting average up to .250?

Oh, and... shorts today again, and not just on me! :) Same with the Catholic church. No dress code at either. Yay!

And to wrap up, here is a postscript that gets me excited. :)

Finally, Evangelicals are getting what Catholics and others have appreciated for some time, that as stewards of God's creation, we have a responsibility to care for the physical world around us, in part because of God's original mandate to Adam to "till and keep" that which He gave him.

Take a look:

http://www.restoringeden.org/

Thanks to my niece, Liz, for this URL Saturday. :)

God has a plan for my life

Oh yeah? Is that so?

Who says?

Oh you mean the prophet Jeremiah, where he says: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11) ... *that* plan?

Never mind that this message was directed by God specifically "to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon" (v.4) and was pointing to when the 70 years of exile would be up and some of the people would return to rebuild the city of Jerusalem. Never mind that. Somehow Evangelicals have generalized this verse to apply to all believers, all the time.

But how about an alternative?

Maybe instead of having a specific "plan" that involves discerning and then choosing the correct door (by the way, I'm about to go into interviews for door #2 in about an hour - and door #1 seemed to swing open yesterday), lest you find a goat there instead of a grand prize...

Maybe rather He has some good works prepared for me to do, and THAT'S His plan for my life: go do what He's prepared me to do, in His name and on His behalf.

Maybe it's really more like Ephesians 2:10: "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Hm. I mean, if I'm doing those good works, how far off from the plan of God for my life can that really be?

And maybe what He's "prepared us for" through personality, aptitude and life experience, is the kind of thing that Jesus talked about in Matthew 25. Attending to Him, attending to the affairs of His Kingdom, attending to the needs of others around us in His name.

Maybe life choices are as simple as that? Attending to what matters in the long run, but attending to it... daily?

Can it be as simple as Jesus said in Matthew 6: 31-34?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

Um, yeah. That last part I get.

Kuchemeister

That's me, baby.

Yesterday the refrigerator was dying, and the repair guy couldn't come until around 6:30, and it's market day but no place to put perishables, and there's a tired (and possibly cranky!) spouse coming home from work at 5:15, so... what's a guy to do?

Well, farmer's market sweet corn is okay on the counter for a few hours, as are the fresh raspberries. That chuck steak in the freezer isn't getting any younger, and is going to get a lot warmer soon when the guy comes, so.. let's do a little experiment with a marinade and see if we can't have everything ready to go by 5:30 so we can eat before the guy gets here.

Soon it's 5:36 and the corn is done, the berries are dished, the fuzzy navel is poured, table is set, flowers in the vase... no spouse. Fold arms. Tap foot. Repeat. Well, the steak still needs four minutes yet. Hmm.

5:45, pray, sit, and ahhh... yummy steak, and not too bad for the first time at sweet corn, either. :)

So today the boy gets creative. After the fridge got fixed last night (just a broken fan) I went off for the perishables, and got a nice deal on boneless thick-cut pork chops ($2.49/lb.), so... a little variation on Betty Crocker to make the most of what's on hand, and: fruit-stuffed pork chops! The balance of the sweet corn, with low-carb ice cream bars for dessert.

Okay, so I used bread crumbs and granola instead of dried bread cubes, and lime juice instead of orange juice in the stuffing. So? It just has to taste good. :) They'll go in the oven at 4:30, should be on the table by 6. We'll see..

Hey... where's my apron?

:)

********

Epilogue: Mmmm. :)

After an hour in the oven, the house smelled of cinnamon, apples & raisins. And such a nice taste to the pork, good consistency to the improvised "stuffing", and a very positive reaction from those served. :)

In hindsight, I think I would correct Betty and bake it for 1:15 instead of 1:30, as it was just a titch on the dry side, but not overmuch. (D says that the pork of today is not the same as it was in 1975 - which is the vintage of the version of Betty sitting on the countertop - and the cooking times should be trimmed a bit just like the fat on pork has been since then. Who knew?)

And... maybe a few more raisins and one less splash of lime juice. ;)

But overall, a very fine freshman effort at stuffed pork chops.

Tomorrow... hotel food enroute to another interview.

Sigh. Do I really have to go? I think I'd rather cook. ;)

Compare and contrast

Went to church this morning at a Baptist General Conference congegation (http://www.calvarychurch.us/) about 15 min. south. They have a "blended" service and a "contemporary" one, as well as a sister church closer by with only one service, "contemporary." The blended one this morning was more traditional, with use of the organ, hymns from the hymnal, a small choir, etc. From the demographics of it, it appeared to be the "old people's" service. And, um.. no smart remarks, please. ;)

From the very beginning of the service, I found myself noticing the differences between it and the Masses I've attended recently. I instinctively looked to pull the kneeler out, so that I could prepare my heart for worship and pray privately a bit before things got started. Instead people used the time to chat and greet, the way they always do in Evangelical churches. :) I wanted to dip my fingers in the water as I entered and make that sign of consecration, wanted to touch down on one knee as I entered the sanctuary to acknowlege coming into the presence of the Holy with other believers. I missed the attitudes of solemnity, of reverence, of penitence, of humility and of contemplation that I've been so aware of at Mass.

But boy, could they sing at this place! Loud, and good (for a bunch of old folks.) And I do so love the harmony on the hymns and choruses. Why don't Catholics harmonize??? It drives me crazy! Okay, during the liturgy there's maybe not so much place for it, but on the responses and the hymns? C'mon! Sing out! :)

And definitely livelier music, even at a traditional service. The choir today was only 8 voices, but were they good! They sounded like 20. And for the special music (solo) number, they backed up the soloist doing a black gospel song, and goodness me, a bunch of white folks almost made it sound authentic. ;) All those open 5ths... all they needed was synchronized swaying... but that's asking a little too much for people of Scandanavian heritage. :)

Hm. I was certainly aware of the Evangelical dress code being in force. Business casual was the order of the day. Oops. Left my dockers and polo shirt at home, sorry... :( I only got 2 open stares at my shorts, sandals and t-shirt ensemble (hey, it all matched!), so.. they were fairly cool about it.

The sermon was the usual content-driven powerpoint presentation, with the feel of a formal seminar. This is in contrast to the Catholic homilies I've heard recently which were much more like an intimate conversation, or a casual devotional talk. I think that's because the content (both the Word and theology) is embedded in the liturgy, bible reading and prayers. They *are* rich that way. Prayer in the Evangelical church is ... not as content-rich, but more ... familiar and intimate with God. The emphasis on intimacy is kind of reversed for preaching and prayer. :)

I did feel like a spectator most of the time today, which is an old familiar feeling for me, whereas I've not once felt like that at Mass. I've felt clueless at Mass, yes, but never like a spectator. There's way too much participation to be able to sit back and let people "perform" for you. All the responses (spoken and sung), praying out loud, reciting creeds, singing before and after various stuff (yes, in unison, but there's still a *lot* of singing), kneeling, standing, sitting, walking, touching, gesturing... you're busy in Mass! :)

Similarities? Mostly in the theology, surprisingly. The core stuff in the Mass is ... core! You have the occasional reference to saints/Mary, but really very little of that. The whole thing points to Jesus and to our relationship with God through Him. I haven't found myself balking at anything you say or sing there, except maybe 2 phrases. And there's at least that much that I balk at in the Evangelical church, too - especially in the lyrics to some of the choruses. "Yes! Lord, Yes! Lord, Yes! Yes! Lord!" Ugh. Give me a break...

So, for now at least, it will be Mass for me at 4:30 on Saturdays, and Evangelical worship with D on Sunday mornings.

Now, if I could just get the Catholics to sing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and harmonize! :)

Not mixed emotions after all

Here's what I will tell my recruiter when we talk next.

I will not accept an offer to move to Kansas City. I will, however, consider one as a telecommuter. But will also continue the interview processes underway elsewhere.

For one, they don't need me to supervise anybody directly. They need technical product expertise (which I have) and relationship building with the heads of a few businesses (which I can do.) Those business heads are all over the country. I can do this from here.

Second, KC has no appeal to me at all, having spent 48 hours there. Yawn. It doesn't compare favorably with here.

Now, the remaining question is.. do I *want* to do this job, or is it merely a means to an end? (the end being finishing grad school, getting our financial situation ready for a career transition, and ... doing it gradually with less shock to the system)

On the surface, that makes some sense..

Exhausted

from a day of interviews. :(

Not that they were difficult, but.. I've done this so many times over the years that it seems like an acting job. You know, the house lights go down, the curtain goes up, the spotlight hits you and... "Yeah, baby! I know what to say, I know what to do to wow you. What do you think of this!"

But, now that I'm offstage.. I will benefit from the 7 hour drive back tomorrow to think, process what I heard, consider my fit with the place and the people.

So far.. mixed emotions. But that may be the fatigue talking.

It's time for some beer and BBQ!

Drive, drive, drive

Tomorrow I'll be driving 7 hours south for a dayful of interviews the next day, then driving back another 7 hours on Saturday.

A week from tomorrow I'll be driving about 4 hours east for a dayful of interviews the next day, then driving ... somewhere ... that night. It might be back here, or.. South another 2 hours.

In between these trips, on Sunday night, I'll have a 2nd phone interview with the little company 5 hours SE of here, this time with the CEO. And if that goes well and they invite me in for a face-face.. it might be on Monday the 6th, and I'll spend the weekend somewhere.. in the vicinity. We'll see.

And while all this is going on... I still have no mental grid through which to evaluate what, if any, offers may come. How do I even evaluate the choices? Will I have any? If no offers are forthcoming, that certainly pushes us toward Path B - grad school and starting over. The campus-apartment part and the job-with-benefits part of that path are secured.

I'm afraid I'll be pushed along by circumstances. For some people, that's just fine, drifting with the current of life. Not me... I want to choose! But on what basis?

What's cooking?

Um... chicken alfredo?

And this time I got to experiment with the sauce, and tweak the recipe to my liking. :) Added a teaspoon of minced onion and a 1/4 t. black pepper. Muuuuch better. More wax beans (nearly finished), some fresh strawberries from the farmer's market for dessert. Fresh flowers on the table from there, too.

On the job front, D's first day was today. But oh.. the benefits are *not* immediate. 30 days. :( Rats! Now I have to call the pharmacy and cancel the drugs. And also no psychobabble (that's me blathering to a shrink - excuse me, therapist) for a month at least. I suppose I'll last that long. ;)

Also on the job front, had another phone interview today, this time with a little company about 4 hours southeast of here. A big fish in a small pond kind of position, reporting to the CEO, setting up a new actuarial department. They seem nice, and want me to come down for an in-person interview soon. Working on dates for that..

And Thursday AM... I'm off to Missouri for the better part of three days. Wonder where that will lead? I'd like to think it would lead to a telecommuting role that I'd like, and allow us to stay put, but.. first the interview, *then* the offer. That's usually how it works.

A New Routine?

Well. This is different.

With D going back to work for the first time since children... how do we divide the housework?

She starts tomorrow and as of yet doesn't know her schedule. 10 to 6? 8 to 4? Floating from week to week?

So we are negotiating new responsibilities around here. And neither of us remember how we used to do this, either.

What's mine now? Do I get the kitchen & food prep? That might make sense. And I liked making dinner last night, and do fine with that when I'm alone. Bathrooms? Laundry? All those are okay with me. Just don't ask me to dust. Ick. Or iron; too much potential for damage..

It's easier now because I'm still unemployed, but... if and when that changes - we negotiate again, I think.

Hm.

That's soooo random!

ohhhh, no, it's not!

It's not random, just... unexpected.

Driving back from the grocery store yesterday I was going over the notion of randomness (or rather, apparent randomness) in advance of my upcoming lecture Monday night on probability. And people use that phrase today "that was really random" to describe what is really something they just didn't expect. Randomness is a convenient mental construct we use to help us explain why things happen unpredictably, or perhaps in semi-predictable patterns. But the things that happen to us that we think about that way - aren't really random.

We live in a very deterministic universe. Cause produces effect. Precisely. The only reason things *appear* random to us is that we don't have perfect information about either the initial conditions, nor the actions of the forces coming to bear on those conditions. If we had perfect information on both... we could predict everything. But we don't, so we can predict... nothing.

Even the act of shuffling/dealing cards or flipping coins or rolling dice, which we all universally think of as random processes, are not random at all. The actions of our hands on the cards, coins or dice MAKE them do what they do (in cooperation with air pressure, temperature, weight, texture of surfaces, etc.) They are merely responding to those actions. If we could duplicate those initial conditions and those actions precisely, the outcome would be the same every time. But we can't, so it's not.

What we call randomness is really variation in initial conditions and actions of forces. Since we can't quantify the variation, we throw up our hands and say "it's random." But even the shuffle program in your iPod isn't random. It's a mathematical algorithm with enough built-in variation that will appear to produce a different order every time. But it isn't random; it's deterministic. Everything is.

Everything is deterministic. But not everything is expected.

Most things are unexpected. And some... are more unexpected than others. As Mark Twain once said about Adam, when you see the sun come up in the morning a few times in a row, you pretty much assume it will do that every day. :) And we get into a routine of expecting certain things to continue. Like your engine starting when you turn the key. Power being there when you flip a switch. Continued employment. Health. Friendship. Love.

When some things that we come to expect aren't there any more... we look for reasons. When something highly variable (like weather in New England, or a woman's mood.. oops, sorry) changes often, we don't think much about it and chalk it up to either inherent unpredictability or randomness (or plain old perversity) depending on our view of the world. But when a stable process changes suddenly, there has to be a reason! Like Tiger Woods misses the cut in a major! Something's wrong and needs fixing. The highly unexpected event throws us for a loop, forces us to reevaluate if things are really as stable and predictable as we thought.

The priest this morning used the example of the visitors from God sent to Abraham (under the terebinth tree at Mamre) to announce that he and Sarah would conceive. Which, by the way.. caused it to dawn on me that this is really the OT version of the Annunciation to Mary. Sarah just had a very different response to it. ;) Wonder why I never saw that before...

What a disruption that event caused! Life got very different for Abraham and Sarah after that. Unexpectedly so. The Gospel reading for the day described a similar unexpected experience for Martha when Jesus visited her (and Mary and Lazarus) and told her that, contrary to custom, women ought to stop serving so much and come sit and listen to the Teacher with the men. Also very unexpected.

The priest then went on to talk about how God uses the unexpected (which He has ordained to happen - deterministic, but unpredictable because we don't know His mind and will much of the time) to stir up our lives and make us reevaluate whether certain things we do and think are a pattern we should cling to... or abandon for something new (and scary.)

Job loss, health loss, loss of loved one, crisis of faith, you name it... God uses these things to stir the pot of soup we call life, and add new ingredients, in order to (I suppose..) make it better. That's where faith comes in, I guess. Trusting that He knows His way around our kitchen.. and is the Master Chef, better than we will ever be.

(sigh)

Yeah, yeah. I get it. I don't like it, but I get it. :)

Oh, and... I keep learning stuff. Today's mass was mostly from the same mass (and there is apparently more than one mass, varying mostly in style, not content) as the church used last week, something called the Mass of Angels and Saints, or some such? I like it. Lots of 3/4 time, good use of minor keys, simple and catchy melodies. Just... no harmony anywhere! Do Catholics not do harmony?

And I'm amazed at what's in their... do they use the word hymnal? Service book? Whatever it is.. the hardbound thing with all the songs in it. Lots of stuff by Wesley and revivalists, some by the old reformers (!) even. Ha - they actually used one called "Sing of the Lord's Goodness" that was in 5/4 time! I've never heard anything in church done in 5/4. I thought Dave Brubeck was at the piano! ;)

And oh... they used one of my very favorite melodies (the old Irish tune Shane), but with different words than I ever sang before. They called it "Lord of All Hopefulness", but I know it as "Be Thou My Vision", and couldn't help but sing to myself my favorite verses:

Riches I need not, nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance, now and always
Thou and Thou only first in my heart
High king of heaven my treasure Thou art

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

And that pretty much did it for me. :) It was during the preparation of the gifts, and it didn't take long for the priest to get to the line in the Communion service that cuts me to the heart whenever I hear it. He adapts the Roman Centurion's words to Jesus: "Lord I am not worthy for you to come into my house; but just say the word and my servant shall be healed." He (and the congregation) personalizes it.. "I am not worthy to receive you.. but just say the word and I will be healed..", and that's when my cheeks get wet. I just.. can't help it. Such great grace and such infinite mercy. And ... toward such a one as I.

So undeserved, it almost seems like "God, that's so random of you! Why me of all people?"

And He says: it's not random, son, it's determined. Ordained.

But at the same time, so very very... unexpected. :)

Variations on a theme

Just to show you all that I can change things up now and then in this dull routine called unemployment, the meals today consisted of:

Breakfast: 2 Big Macs, less 4 of the 6 bun pieces, water, half a dark chocolate bar.

Lunch: Progresso Chicken Barley soup, torilla chips w/nacho dip, and a lite beer (Miller's new Chill brand - made with lime and salt. mmm.)

Dinner: Liverwurst on wheat with sliced muenster and miracle whip, second half of the chocolate bar, fresh brewed ginger peach tea over ice to chase various medications and vitamins.

So there! That oughtta show ya. Yours truly is no slave to routine.

Okay, so it's a little light on the vegetables. I'll make up for that tomorrow. Fresh green and wax beans. Served together for color. :)

Oh, the bottle of wine tonight will be... maple, aged 4 years. Goodness knows what that will be like, even properly chilled.

Highlight of the day: having a stone chip in my windshield repaired, inside my garage. $65 for 10 min. work courtesy of Liberty Mutual Insurance. Huh.

Project for the day: grading quizzes, preparing answers to next week's homework. Yawn.

See? I can vary the routine. A little.



P.S. Thanks to D getting employed, as of Tuesday we have benefits again! Yay! That means I can get more drugs and go visit a shrink. ;)

Sicko

My grandpa Bill had an iron behemoth in his barn known as a threshing machine. It looked like a slapped together steel dinosaur sculpture when at rest, but when he fired it up, it was an incredibly noisy whirlwind of a device that flapped, spun and exhaled so much dust and racket you thought the barn would collapse on top of you just prior to suffocation.

That machine certainly made an impression on a pre-adolescent boy. But something else having to do with that machine made an even greater impression, that still lingers today. The neighboring farmers of my granpda's generation would get together and harvest each others' fields and then take turns using the thresher to winnow the grain. They all went from one field to another and did the harvesting collectively, though each farmer only ran his own grain through the thresher - it wasn't collectivism as such, just neighbors pooling resources to help each other out.

Grandpa's generation was the last one to do this. The younger farmers all bought their own combines and did their own harvesting, and... each went into debt to do so. Hm. They became dependent on a lender to become independent of their neighbors. Trading interdependence - for independence, but with dependence, too.. Grandpa's was also the last generation who did barn-raisings when a new farm family was starting out near them, or a fire had destroyed a neighbor's barn. They pitched in, gave of themselves, and knew - knew! - that their neighbors would do the same for them.

My Dad wasn't a farmer, rather a cheesemaker turned insurance salesman. But he had a similar idea about insurance that he shared with me as a teenager when I was wondering what I ought to do in life. He told me about why insurance was such a good thing, a humanitarian thing. It went back to the fraternal mutuals and the little town mutuals and why they were formed - to spread the risk. Everybody gave a little to protect against a lot. One kind sold life insurance and one fire insurance. But they were companies *not* owned by stockholders, *not* run by wall street investors. They were owned by the policy-holders, the customers. And that's how they were run - like mutual benefit societies. At least... in my Dad's day they were. And even up until 2000... I had worked for one who still thought that way. Until they were bought by one who didn't.

Now even the mutual companies are trying to act like stock companies, to compete. They compete for capital, market share, customer loyalty... as if they were independent of their policyholder owners. Trading interdependence with their customers for dependence on the capital markets and independence from their policyholders. Abandoning their roots for being... modern. Sounds familiar.

This week I saw Michael Moore's new movie, Sicko - an expose' of the American health care industry... and what it says about us as a culture. I didn't intend to be moved, I didn't intend for tears to escape. Imagine! Me, once a card-carrying member of the Libertarian party, silently weeping at a Michael Moore movie. What's wrong with me? Or maybe.. what's right with me all of a sudden?

Now I admit I haven't listened to Rush in about 2 years, haven't read a publication by the Christian Coalition for probably 3 years, haven't heard a public policy statement by James Dobson for 15 months or so, haven't gotten any Republican party literature for 24 months or more... so I don't know what I *should* be thinking about this movie, have no idea what the party line is these days.

But I do know this:

I'm sick of what modern American capitalism has done to my Dad's idea of insurance as a mutual benefit concept started by a bunch of farmers, the very same people who used to build each others' barns and harvest each others' fields, like my Grandpa did. Is there a company out there anymore who remembers the way it used to be? When people did good to one another with no expectation of (or... lust for) profit? If I'm a conservative... then THAT'S what I want to conserve. People giving up a little from their plenty to make sure that those who were hurting didn't hurt too much. And THAT'S who I want to work for.. somebody who gets that.

After all, isn't that what mutuality means? 2 Corinthians 8:13-15 says:

"Our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality. At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. Then there will be equality, as it is written: 'He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little.' "

Oooh, that Paul. He must have been one of those Godless liberals to talk that way..

The unemployed life

Here's a typical day from my week alone this week:

Dinner of cheesy bratwurst and a salad of cubed colby, fresh roma tomatoes, cut up with baby zucchini sliced up fresh from the farmers market, dessert of fresh blackberries in blackberry yogurt w/ reddiwhip topping

Open 6 year old homemade chianti.. mmm

Watch The Count of Montecristo on Family Channel

Stay up late watching Casino Royale - again

Finish the bottle of wine opened at dinner (who am I saving it for?)

Sleep (Benadryl helps) 'till I wake up

Blog & email

Coffee (2) and protein bar (1) for breakfast

Shower, shave, dress (so to speak)

Talk to recruiter by phone

Read current fiction book

Water lawn, take out garbage

Lunch of a sandwich (pickle/pimento loaf with muenster cheese and miracle whip on wheat), bread and butter pickle spears, low-carb chocolate milk, vitamins & medicine.

Get car gassed & washed, go to post office

Check messages, return phone calls

Finish contents of coffee pot, make ahead for morning

Surf the net

Wonder where I'll end up next

repeat ad infinitum (or at least.. that's how it seems)

Going in circles

Last night, teaching class, I had an insight into a problem that the group was struggling with. It had to do with maximizing the area inside a rectangular enclosure. Sort of on the fly, I illustrated on the board how any geometric shape with a given perimeter will have a greater area inside that perimeter the closer it comes to looking like a circle. A long, narrow rectangle will have a smaller area than a square one will, given the same total outside measurements. Then I said - take the same outside measurements, and shape the figure into a circle, and you get an even greater inside area. Oooh... it works. Try this at home, kids! You'll see. :)

So what does this have to do with anything? Not too much, I guess, but.. it's an example of how I have fun in the classroom. :) Just as in singing jazz in a club, or in leading worship, I practice my teaching ahead of time, but enjoy improvising in the moment to have a greater impact. It's kind of similar to a performance. I want to connect with the "audience", help them appreciate the material, and if changing styles or delivery does that...

Circles. Something else about circles..

Oh, yeah. I heard a quote the other day. Kind of eastern-y but it sort of works. It goes something like: "life is a circle: you're sometimes at the top, sometimes at the bottom, but always in motion." Hm.

Does it seem to any of you that there are seasons in life where the movement from top to bottom, or the motion in general, seems to happen really fast? That's what it's felt like for the last month. Top to bottom in a real hurry. Two years ago, the same thing. Seven years ago, the same thing. The way down happens quickly.

But the way back up to the top of the circle goes pretty slow. Maybe instead of a circle, maybe life is like one long roller-coaster ride. Some long pulls up to the heights, fast and scary runs to the bottom, some freakishly high-speed curves, and some slow straight stretches where you can just regroup and remember where your stomach for all this went to.

Is this just my life? Or is everybody's life like this? Are there people whose life is more like a kayak trip in a river, going at their own pace, paddling when they feel like it, drifting at other times, pulling to shore and having a picnic lunch and a nap before they get back in and keep going? Can anybody relate to that kind of life?

Oh, I know, even the kayakers will encounter some narrow places in the river, some rocks, some rapids.. and they may get wet, overturn, pick up some bruises.. but, mmm, those placid times of drifting and gazing, and the peaceful tenting on shore! I guess when you're stuck on the roller coaster and you get motion sickness... the slow paddling life looks pretty appealing.

I'd trade some thrills for some peace right now.

Mass

Went here this morning.

Next week here

Today's service was gentle, easy, focused on showing kindness to those who are broken. It only took the pastor about 10 words in his opening statement to cause tears to well up. He began by talking about the brokenness in the world around us, and.. in each of us.. and that was it. Here we go again. :)

I suppose it was set up by the gathering song and the first two verses:

God of day and God of darkness, now we stand before the night.
As the shadows stretch & deepen, come and make our darkness bright.
All creation still is groaning for the dawning of your might.
When the Sun of peace and justice fills the earth with radiant light.

Still the nations curse the darkness, still the rich oppress the poor.
Still the earth is bruised and broken by the ones who still want more.
Come and wake us from our sleeping, so our hearts cannot ignore
All your people lost and broken, all your children at our door.



Though so many things are still unfamiiar, I felt more comfortable this time, remembering some of the responses, prayers, creeds. I still don't know when to kneel, etc. - so I don't. Got confused during the Eucharist part, as they served some people from the back - who knew to turn that way? But mmm.. it was another beautiful setting, too. Oh, the windows on this sunny day! And the beautiful rose marble around the altar area... lovely.

They did something I don't recall seeing before.. maybe this happens in every parish? As they were getting ready to read (and then again after they read) the gospel for the day, they marched a big and colorful book of it around the front of the church. It was like they do in the synagogue when they march the Torah around! :) Except in the synagogue, the people can touch the Torah as it passes, and they play peppier music too. I think that would be a nice addition here.

More good songs with easy melodies, again focused on compassion and showing kindness to those around us. Many were in 3/4 tempo, which makes you feel like swaying a bit, like you're being rocked by someone loving. :) Nice. And they used The Servant Song, kind of a campfire song from the early days of the Jesus Movement back in the day - *my* day. ;) I'd forgotten it had these verses.. which felt like it was written for me to hear, expressing my need, my desire, for someone to sing this to me today:

I will hold the Christ-light for you
In the night-time of your fear.
I will hold my hand out to you -
Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping;
When you laugh, I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow,
'Til we've seen this journey through.


So... pretty much what I needed today. :)

Next week may be a lot more rollicking. I hear they have a contemporary worship band. Oooh..

Employment "At Will"

My last company made it very clear during the hiring process (and the termination process) that they are an "at will" employer. In other words, either party can terminate the relationship at any time for any reason without obligation to the other party. And I see more and more employers using this term now - it's a trend.

And it occurs to me that it's very much like another societal trend. It's like a couple living together for convenience sake. A boy and a girl move in together, share the rent, share the groceries, share the chores, share the bed... and if they happen to like each other a bit - that's a little something extra, but.. not all that necessary. They each get some help from the other, get some basic needs met (financial, domestic, physical), and the relationship - ehh, secondary.

Either party can walk at any time. If you stop getting as much as you give - it can end. No hard feelings, no strings... because no real lasting intimacy was built, no committments made, no true and selfless love shared.

That's what it has felt like at work over the last 7 years. No committment, no intimacy, no caring, no strings - no love. And I keep asking myself: why do I approach work like a love affair? Why do I want to love and be loved - at work?

I must not be as hip and modern as I think. Get with it, boy! Can't you see you're too sentimental? It's an arrangement of mutual convenience. It's not personal... it's just business.

More interviews coming

...some by phone, some on-site.

Looks like I'm definitely going to the company in Missouri for an on-site interview somewhere around the 24th, details to come from their travel planner. I'll probably be meeting with 6 different people from 9 to 2, flying down the night before, back the next afternoon. The hiring manager plus his boss will both be there, so they say this will be a one-shot deal, no need for a return visit, they'll make a decision fast. Good! No additional waiting..

And, the HR person also voluntarily brought up with my recruiter that this company also happens to have a Twin Cities branch, and would that be an option for an office if that's preferable to telecommuting? They'd still have to be convinced, of course, that I don't need to be in MO to actually do this job. Their starting position is that I'd have to be there. That dicsussion definitely follows after the on-site interview, so... no holding of breath allowed!!!

Then there are two phone interviews on Monday, one with a company in Central Wisconsin (no, not the one I used to work for), and one with a company with positions in Nebraska. I just got the job descriptions on those, and haven't reviewed them yet. Too much to think about today!

I think a visit to the theatre to see Harry Potter is what's in order for tonight, before D disappears for 10 days. A little escapism now and then is a healthy thing..

More Twists and Turns

on path A, at least.

This is peculiar.

The day after one job possibility dries up... another surfaces, and fast. The recruiter called and said "I ran your resume by so and so at such and such a company, and... he'll call you at 4:45 today. Can you be ready?" Woah! Okay...

He called, we talked, the role seems to be a good fit with my background, he wants someone very independent and confident, and... the oddest part... they are open to me telecommuting from here vs. their Missouri office, as long as I would be willing to travel there often for face time.

Wow. What do I do with this? Does this mean we can stay in this house? Keep unpacking? Continue with school plans as they were when we moved here? Yikes!

So this morning, the recruiter calls and says "they want you to come down for interviews the week of the 23rd. And did you know they have a Twin Cities branch you could work out of, too?" Um... no.

Okay, my head is spinning right now. Calm down, calm down.

Path A takes a turn

...in the woods today, to a road less traveled - by me, anyway. The company I'd been interviewing with stopped the process and is going to try to develop someone internally into the role they were interviewing me for.

Just goes to show you that what I said about recruiters being paid to be optimistic is true. Optimism for the sake of optimism doesn't produce anything tangible. If your optimism isn't based on something sound... it's really just so much wishful thinking.

So, now - no active "same career" positions to pursue. There are inquiries being made, possiblities, ideas... but no interviews lined up. Path A is heading into the heavy brush, it appears.

No updates on Path B other than I felt very at home and comfortable teaching class last night. We'll see how at home I feel grading papers and preparing quizzes today...

My first class

as an adjunct professor was tonight.

It was...

fun! :)

I wasn't prepared for all the questions that came up, but I knew the material well enough to improvise, and... connect. :) I saw the light bulb come on over peoples' heads and it felt great. First night jitters weren't too bad, and the 4 hour class went smoothly. I liked it a lot. I felt both in control of the classroom and at ease with the students. And I especially liked the time where students did work in class, and I ... collected my wits, thought about the next topics, and.. even checked my email. :)

The students ranged in age from about early 20s to 50ish, in occupations from being in the family bakery business to insurance marketing to data processing to the National Guard, all looking to improve themselves by getting their bachelor's degree. When I asked what the last time was that they were in a math class, the lone female revealed her age by joking with one guy who said "1982" by saying.. "woah, I wasn't even born yet!"

And of course, the only woman in the class was also the only one who called for the teacher to "come help me?" and cooed "gee, have you always been so good at math?" Yeah, well... don't try that "I'm just a girl" stuff on me! ;) I know too many actuaries who are female..

So, a good first night behind the podium, and now I'm really looking forward to next week! Even with papers to grade and a quiz to prepare. :) It even felt good to have dress clothes on again... never thought I'd say that!

Itty-bitty

Still browsing around for churches to attend. Two weeks ago it was a small church (40 attending?), meeting in a city hall auditorium two blocks from the house. Today it was even smaller (20 or so), meeting in what sort of looks like a cross between an old Elks club and an abandoned dentist's office, in an east side urban neighborhood.

Up until now, the Evangelical churches we've been to have made a point of including diversity as a priority in their mission statements, but do you think you could find someone in the chairs who was of a different demographic? Nope. But today... oh yeah.

The place seemed struggling, but... happy. :) They could use a hand, and seemed like they'd welcome ours. I'd nearly forgotten what an itty-bitty church was like. Soooo many mega- and multicampus- churches around here. Ugh. :(

The next two Sundays I'm on my own, so... probably will continue my exploration of the Catholic worship experience. I've been to the cathedral and the basilica and an urban parish where they do the Latin mass... time for something more run-of-the-mill and local now, to see what the regular neighborhood parishes are like.

Clueless and dripping

that's how I'll be this weekend.

It's supposed to be 95 and humid today and tomorrow, sticky-icky, w/lows in the 70s. So I'll be holed up in my lower level lounge just like a troll..

Ooooh! I know! I'll surface occasionally to see who's on the "Live Earth" concert on cable. Mmmm... just saw the Black Eyed Peas from London. Oh, they're my favorite. ;) Riiiight. Wait, wait! Ludacris is on! Even better! And now... it's AFI. Love the hair, dude. And the lip ring. mmhmm. Oh oh - a switch to London... and we have... The Pussycat Dolls. Hmmmm. I think I have a new favorite group. :P

Well, it's either that or Wimbeldon.. or the US Senior Men's Open from Whistling Straits in Kohler.. or the Dirty Dozen on AMC tonight.. sooooo many choices.

So that's the dripping part - or rather, trying to avoid dripping.

For the clueless part, still no feedback from the second phone interview except from my recruiter and she's paid to be positive, so I can pretty much ignore her comments like "Oh, don't worry... they really like you!" Yeah. Lots of people have - who I don't work for. :) So.. I have to wait until Monday to see if I get an invite to interview with them in person. Still the only thing in the Path A pipeline.

On Path B, the student housing person called - all the 3 bedroom campus apartments are taken, and did I want a 2 bedroom? Well... yeah. Occupancy August 20, with the lease coming next week, and then two weeks to pay the security deposit. So I have two weeks to figure out which mystery account of mine has the money for that.

Next week Monday I teach my first class as an adjunct professor. Hm. Maybe that can pay for the security desposit... 7 weeks from now. Hm. Anyway, it should be interesting to get into the classroom with bright and shining faces for 4 hours. :) Oh, yeah, they're adult commuter students.. how about tired and wrinkled faces? ;)

The school where I'm enrolled needs adjunct professors, too, I learned yesterday - for their undergrad programs. I inquired, they responded, asked for my resume (or as they say in academe, my curriculum vita), so I wait for that. The part-time jobs I applied for ... still waiting. WIll followup next week. The jobs D applied and interviewed for.. still waiting. Next week, too.

So.. I spend the weekend being clueless. And dripping.

Next week, it's supposed to cool off. That's one down.

For the other one... can I just get a clue, please?

Calling vs. Vocation?

Is there such as thing as a calling?

You hear it talked about mostly in terms of a "call to ministry", as in to be a pastor or priest, or maybe a call to be a missionary, or some other kind of role in a religious setting, as long as it's vocational. Plus, if you want to be ordained as a minister, there's usually some review of your credentials and training, and some kind of panel you must go in front of and convince them of your fitness for the role, including your "calling."

But in the Bible, the only vocational religious workers were the priests in the Old Testament or the apostles/missionaries in the New. Most of those serving in leadership roles in the church were unpaid volunteers who had other jobs. Paul even set the example for that with his tentmaking. Somehow the church evolved over time to having lots of paid "pastoral staff." Why? Is the idea of having a "calling" really all that Biblical?

In the church, there are lots of different ways people are gifted by God for service. Having those gifts (even the ones like teaching and leadership and prophecy and shepherding and evangelism) don't necessarily require that you have to do them as your full-time occupation and earn your living at them for it to count. So why should there need to be a sense of "calling" at all? Isn't it instead a question of how God has gifted you?

Must it be religious at all? Don't we hear people talking about "calling" in another sense? Have you heard people say that they were called to be a teacher, or a nurse? Can you be "called" to a vocation at all? And if you can be, could you be called to *any* vocation, not just a "helping" one? Can you be called to raise cattle for God? Called to the accounting ministry? Called to a life of service as a politician? Can you be called to serve God as a professional wrestler?

And if there is such a thing as a calling in a vocational sense, then isn't there a calling for everyone? Eph. 2:10 comes to mind - don't we all have good works that God has prepared in advance for us to do? Isn't that our calling? Put another way, isn't your "calling in life" really just a combination of your aptitude, skills, preferences and motivations, all of which God gives you or develops in you over time? And if your skills, preferences and motivations change over time, does your "calling" change, too?

Maybe to make it even simpler, if skills & aptitude can be called "giftedness" and preferences & motivations can be called "desire", isn't your calling, your "mission in life", that place where your giftedness and desire meet?

If I have desire to do a thing but am not gifted for it, can it really be my calling? Sounds like the opening rounds of American Idol. After some quick laughs at my ineptitude, I'll get sent home pretty quickly.

In the same way, can something be my calling if I am gifted for it, but it makes me want to run screaming in the other direction? Sounds like the reluctant prophet Jonah. Hm. Perhaps it would be best for the crew right now, perhaps the seas would get calmer, if I got thrown off the ship..

So, if there is such a thing as a "calling" - do I have one? And what is it, exactly? I have lots of different skills and aptitudes. I also know what my preferences and motivations are. Hm. Too bad that place where they intersect doesn't pay very well...

On the other hand.. does my desire - my preferences and motivations - really have anything to do with the good works God has planned for me to do? Does my desire always line up with His plan? No.

If I have a variety of gifts - my aptitudes and skills - then maybe there are a variety of good works for me to do, too. Fine. Just... which set of gifts do I take on as a vocation? If not where they intersect with desire... then wouldn't I need an overriding "push" from God to choose contrary to desire? Perhaps that's a "calling" in a sense? A push from God to work contrary to my desire - for a larger purpose?

Okay, so ... push me then. Otherwise...

Step Three? (on path A)

Just finished a second phone interview with a large privately held brokerage firm re: a job running their quantitative analysis department. It went well enough to prompt the EVP I spoke with to say that he would have his HR people send me some links to do some on-line "testing." Fun! Yuk..

Step three would be a trip in to their headquarters (where the job would also be housed - an 8 hour drive away from here) for a round of interviews with other people who would contribute to the hiring decision. I have no idea how soon that would happen. A week? Three? I also have no idea yet if the fit would be a good one. I know I could do the work, but ... the people and culture? Too soon to say.

No other interviews (in my field) in the pipeline, although my recruiter is chasing some down. In the meantime (on path B), the realtor comes Thursday to talk about listing the house. I'm still waiting on news from the financial aid dept. of the Seminary here, and D has applied for a job at the university on which she's also awaiting word. Maybe a tuition discount could emerge from that?

Stay tuned. More news when I have it.

Down to two options

neither of which keeps us in the new house. :(

After some serious discussion, some financial modeling, and many mutual tears... we agree we have to sell the new house. We call the realtor upon our return. Either we are moving to a new community to "follow the money" in the same career path and the corresponding lifestyle and goals (path A), or..

we are emptying every asset category, to zero out all debt (and savings) and start again, as if we were going on the mission field or something that drastic, in order to send me to grad school full time (path B) and change careers (to something that will eventually pay 1/4 as much but may be more rewarding in other ways.)

Either way... we sell the house and repack.

All avenues in between those two extremes have been reviewed, judged, and found wanting. What we don't know yet is... which one of these "extremes" do we choose? Which path do we go down?

In the meantime, we put the house on the market, we apply for financial aid, convert the 401K to something we can raid if needed, and keep applying for work in our respective fields/markets. And... we pray. Maybe in 4-6 weeks, we'll know a direction again. Of course, there was a time not too many weeks ago where we thought we knew exactly what that was...

Plain Speech

Okay, time to stop being cryptic. Close friends and family all know.

Last week, I found myself out in the job market again, almost 2 years to the day from the last time.

Except this go around, there is no severance to last me through months of searching for work. I've worked for this last company (ha - what if it were indeed to be my last company?) for less than 18 months, so.. no 17 years of vested experience to fall back on.

No grudges, no anger. No point to it. Wasted energy. Move forward.

So, I guess the blog title doesn't need to change, does it? :-/
Here we go again..

The issues are:

a great new house for us, still partly in boxes (although both cars fit in the garage as of tonight!)
lovely neighborhood and quality of life here
nearby grad school and a desire for a career change
college loans for kids (and 3 more years of new costs for J2)
mortgage and home improvement project payments due
loss of health insurance benefits (in ... 3 more days)
no income. Period. As of right now.
thin job market for my profession in this town (read: move again?)

Each time I've been out of a job, I've found another within a few months, usually less. And each time (3 of them) that we've been flat broke, we've recovered. But it's different at this time of life than it was at 19, and at 29.

Do we raid our retirement funds to stay afloat? Do we make the career change planned for 5 years from now... now? What value do we attach to the various options in front of us? What do you do when your values have changed but your skills haven't? How do we pick a direction? How do I work up the desire to interview again when the disillusionment with corporate america weighs so heavily on me?

What to do now?

What to do?

What?

Where?

When?

Skip the why. We only know that in hindsight anyway.

I feel tired and empty.

Where is comfort? Where is courage?

A long, long way from here..

What joy awaits?

Even Jesus in the garden asked God (three times!) if there was a way to avoid what was coming.. He didn't want to face it. Sure, His burden was so much larger than mine, but then again - He was so much more than me, too.

So, should I feel like a coward for not wanting for face what I must? He didn't want to sacrifice of Himself for someone else and pay the price He would pay to benefit them - neither do I. But He did - and so will I, somehow.

But when Paul says that "for the joy set before him [Jesus] endured the cross"...

... what is the joy set before me? Maybe if I knew what joy awaited me, after I do what I must, I could find some hope and courage to face this. I haven't seen it yet. All I see is sacrifice ahead - not joy.

God sent an angel to comfort and strengthen Jesus in the garden.. where's mine?

Trying to find one of these somewhere...

okay, so maybe there was a little PhotoShop enhancing going on here, but still...

I could use one of these. A big one, full circle, echo, backlit, the whole enchilada, baby.



You Who gave orders to the morning, Who showed the dawn its place, You Who are Father to the dew and the rain, Mother to the frost and the ice... do you have a sign for me?

Where must I go? What must I do now?

3000 years

and feelings like these are still fresh..


LORD, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

I am overwhelmed with troubles
and my life draws near to death.

I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.

I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.

Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.

You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.



----- Psalm 88:1-9a

Time off (final edit)

The last few days have been full of disappointment and loss for me, on many levels. I've been rejected, rebuffed, pushed to the side - again. I'm discouraged, angry and hurt; I'm tired of being a complication, a problem to be compartmentalized and treated as expendable.

Now, all that may be how I'm feeling right now, but ... what am I actually going to *do*?

Maybe I can't act on these feelings; maybe I actually have to act contrary to them. What I'm *not* going to do is go curl up in a ball and die, although it often feels like that would be the best thing for everyone concerned - for them to be free of this "complication" once and for all, this source of difficulty and turmoil.

But, no. That isn't noble, that isn't honorable. And it doesn't matter whether we're talking about organizations or individuals, either one, if they still want you around despite how complicated you make things for them (even just by being yourself; how do you stop being: you?), if they are willing to opt for what's inconvenient because it means they get to have you, then *they* are the ones who really want you. They are the ones who would truly grieve your not being around, because having things simpler can't compare to having... you.

So - for their sake, not for mine - I keep going. I don't end it, I don't run away. But I don't dig in and fight against the change, either - instead I yield, I back off, I step away, I take the rebuff, I accept my place. I do what I should do, I do what's best for them, regardless of how much I hurt. After all, how do you ever truly demonstrate real care for others... except at your own expense? So, even though it's not what I want, and it's not the easy thing for me - I will do my best to do what the people I love and those around me most need me to do.

But I have to say this: when I got back last night, after carrying all this for several days and dreading having to explain things, I was met at the door by (and there's no other way to say it) the grace of God, personified. D *was* grace in action. And it will cost her to love.

For you faithful readers... this blog writer will be taking a few days off to collect his thoughts, until the end of the month, perhaps. There are a lot of thoughts to collect, and right now they are running around loose and pretty darned directionless.

Life in the Lounge

... is back!



Finally today, we got it to the point of arranging, hanging, decorating, connecting (as in the stereo and speakers).




So, Frank Sinatra, Blossom Dearie, Michael Buble and Diana Krall again share a space with, orange candles, retro furniture, Marc Chagall and... me. ;)





Next week... the finishing touches. :) Life is good in the lounge.
Again.

Getting there!

The place seems more like ours every day.








The flooring guys are all done and the main level is all settled.









Next, the living room, and that will complete the upstairs.









Last on the agenda... lounge and office. But, hey - the rest looks so good, I can wait! :)

Living a metaphor

In church today, the preacher gave Ephesians 6:1-4 a real workout, as a runup to Father's day, I suppose.

But he has an interesting take on it. He says this:

Marriage exists primarily for one reason. To illustrate for the world just how Christ loves the Church. Forget the idea in Genesis that "it's not good for man to be alone", because we know that singleness is not condemned by God, rather encouraged in the New Testament as a means to greater devotion and service to the Kingdom of God. Marriage is not a mandate.

But IF you marry, acting out the parable of Christ and the Church IS a mandate. In other words, any girl who embraces Christianity should NOT marry unless she is explicitly desirous of modeling with her husband how the Church responds to the love and leadership of Christ. And no believing boy should marry a girl unless he specifically wants to model for the world the love of Christ toward her, sacrificing himself for her good.

Now I have to ask you, gentle reader: who, at the tender age of 18 or even 26, thinks like this? Is that why kids marry? To be a living parable, first and foremost to be a lifelong witness to Christ in their actions toward each other? If you know any young couple who married explicitly for that reason above all others... I'd love to meet them.

Then, he went on to make the second point, just as astounding:

Childrearing exists primarily for one reason. To make and grow new disciples of Christ, new worshippers of God. Forget the idea in Genesis that Adam and Eve were to "be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth", because we know that childlessness is not condemned by God, but rather encouraged in the New Testament as one way to have fewer earthly concerns and have more availability to serve God and His Kingdom. Making babies is not a mandate.

But, IF we make (or adopt) babies, raising them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, training them up to follow God, IS a mandate. So, no young couple (or single person) should even consider having children unless they are desiring first and foremost to raise new young disciples of Christ, new followers of Him.

And who, dear reader, thinks this way? What young couple thinks: "Gee honey, don't you think the Kingdom of God could use a few more members? How about if we go get busy and make a half-dozen or so ourselves? You know of course that we will be the way our little anklebiters learn about God well before they can know Him directly. But we are ready to represent God to them, right?"

I mean, who wants to make decisions like getting married and having children so that you can live out a metaphor, however noble?

But that's what the man said today, and I can see where he gets it. Just seems awfully radical to me. Not to mention a lot for people under 30 to grasp, much less live out. Heck, even when you're way older than that you still make decisions based on self-interest, and rarely on pure altruism. Who is he kidding?

At least the hymns today were routine, without challenge or depth.

Ha.

Take a look at the lyrics to these if you dare to try to comprehend and then live them:

O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus
How Deep the Father's Love for Us
Be Thou My Vision

Worship music was all over the map today, with Spanish songs from Mexico, to songs in Maninka from Africa, to traditional Welsh melodies, to 8th century Irish hymns. And yeah, one or two from LA and Nashville, too. :)

Whew.. I feel like I've had a workout without leaving my chair..

It's in!

My car, that is... in the garage where it belongs. Earlier than usual. :)

After a hard day's work of schlepping boxes, there is space for one vehicle. This is always a milestone in any move of mine. For some crazy reason, getting my computer and tunes working is the first milestone, and the second is getting my car in the garage.

The third, which takes waaaaay more time, is being able to navigate the house in the dark and not hurt myself or make any sound. Then I know I could kill the burglar. That's important stuff.

Goal Weight!!

Woohoo! :)

Well, okay, it's the revised goal weight - the one my doctor told me I should shoot for. But, still...

The scale made its way out of a box yesterday, and D checked it against what it said for her before she packed it - same thing. So, it's working. But then I stepped on and.. you must be kidding! So, I do it in real doctor's office style, fully clothed with shoes, and stuff in my pockets, and - wow. On the nose. :)

It's been, oh.. 24 years since I could say that I was at goal weight. Granted, goal weight then was 40 pounds lower.. but hey! I was scrawny, what can I say? And further proof was another hole on the belt - in the right direction. I'm only two pant sizes away from J2 now. He told me last weekend that I was making him nervous. Good. :)

RRRRRRR.... I feel great.

ISO Balance

In the midst of all the turmoil in the house, from boxes to furniture askew to unfinished contracting projects to no place to sit to more boxes, I realized this morning (after D said "you seem a little blue") that my moods have been more stable of late. Her comment got me thinking that, gee, with all the stress that comes with being unsettled, I'm doing remarkably well. :)

The doctor told me at my last appointment that if we could get both the thyroid and testosterone levels in the right range, my reactions to stress may be better, and the swings between the extremes of joy and despair may get milder, as might the body heat I give off. I think... she's right. I've been faithfully taking the proper dosages (not tinkering, as has been my wont), and darned if it isn't better! :)

Hm. If "you seem a little blue" and a stray tear or two is all there is... I can live with that.

Where is my...

you name it... black sharpie, blue/green tie, box of q-tips...

And the answer is - it's in a box. But there's boxes, boxes, everywhere. :( But WHICH box, exactly? The labels written on the box don't necessarily correspond to the contents OF the box.


At least there's a path to the coffee pot, the fridge, the closet, the bathroom. I mean, some things just have to be available.

But, the master bedroom is.. done! :) Aww... it looks so nice.. small, but nice.

Everything is smaller here. Except the third garage, thank God. But, that's the whole idea behind downsizing, right?

Right?

What a great weekend

in a new house in a new city. :)

J2 & his current gf (now to be known as J2+) came up Friday night, helped clean and organize Saturday morning, and assembled a new gas grill in the afternoon. In between I had lots of time to catch up with J2's life, and get to know J2+ better. She and I talked on the deck for an hour and a half over coffee while J2 slept in and contractors painted, talking about goals, relationships, personality types, love languages, handling physical desire, you name it.

She's very open and comfortable with herself, not self-conscious or ill at ease, yet also very pleasant and approachable, plus - lots of fun. :) Not to mention enough upper body strength to pop my back (which favor I returned.) Nice girl. And, being a Psych major... she knows when J2 is manipulating her, and actually gets him to talk about his feelings without getting angry. She'd be a good catch!

Then D, J1, and dog-face arrive late Saturday to a mostly clean place. :) We go see Pirates 3, have ice cream after, and then drink a toast of imported Italian Limoncello to a new house and to being closer to family. :) Nice day.

Church the next morning, cooking out on the new grill afterwards, a field trip to the art museum and sculpture garden, then back to the house to see J2 & J2+ off to Chicago again. The rest of us head out to dinner (sans devil-dog) and when we get back I introduce J1 to the famous upper midwest winter drink, the Snowshoe. :) I found a nearby grocery that stocks my favorite brand of low-sugar chocolate milk! And of course everybody around here sells Dr. McGillicudy's, unlike in New England where all you can find is DeKuypers or Phillips. Ahhh, simple pleasures - life is truly good.

Our realtor had given us a free hotel night and dinner out, so we decided to use it. D was still crashing from the long drive, and so J1 & uglydog spent the night on the air mattress while D and I went to the Hampton Inn for some decent sleep. In the morning, J1 and I head out to explore, have lunch downtown near my office and then head to the college district to shop (her to fill her obscure want list of psychobilly bands and me to choose new CDs by letter and album cover only) at Cheapo Discs. :) Fun!

As I write this, she and bozo the dog have headed home, D is napping and I will shortly call the insurance agent to switch addresses on our car insurance policy. And tomorrow... furniture!!! Oh boy!

Oh, yeah, and, um... boxes. Oh boy...

Al .. most .. done

The hardwoods are in, carpet removed and reinstalled in other bedrooms, ceiling fan up in bedroom, new access door to garage, repaired garage door opener, railing posts in, ceiling beams removed in kitchen... progress!

Now, for the painting, lighting, shelving, railing glass, stair treads...

Tomorrow had better see a lot of progress! I have family arriving on Saturday (I hope...)


**********


Not so fast...

I wrote the above before I actually got home. I was assuming this is what I'd find. Ha. So much for being the optimist.

I HATE WORKING WITH CONTRACTORS!

:(

I can't get no (lasting) satisfaction

Does it seem to any of you that what enjoyments we find on this earth are either fully satisfying but only fleeting, or... lasting, but fall short of fully satisying us? We want the truly satisfying moments to last, but they don't. And what we *are* able to keep for a long time doesn't really ... do it for us.

Are we destined in this life to have only pleasure that is either transitory, or... incomplete?

And if that's so, do we shrug our shoulders and settle for that as simply being the best that we can get?

Do we keep our expectations of this life low, and not think about something better?

If we must look forward to something, do we look toward the next life for completeness?

Solomon seems to see it that way, and maybe he's right.



This too is a grievous evil: as a man comes, so he departs, and what does he gain, since he toils for the wind? All his days he eats in darkness, with great frustration, affliction and anger. There is something else meaningless that occurs on earth: righteous men who get what the wicked deserve, and wicked men who get what the righteous deserve. This too, I say, is meaningless.

For who knows what is good for a man in life, during the few and meaningless days he passes through like a shadow? Who can tell him what will happen under the sun after he is gone?

So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. For a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then he must leave all he owns to someone who has not worked for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless. A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?

So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun. When I applied my mind to know wisdom and to observe man's labor on earth - his eyes not seeing sleep day or night - then I saw all that God has done. No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning. Even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it.

Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

Then I realized that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.

----- Excerpts from Ecclesiastes, chapters 2, 5, 6, 8, 9


All this I know. I get it. But that one little phrase seems to be the one that wants to pull down the whole house of cards: "to accept his lot and be happy in his work." How nice it would be to seldom reflect on the days of my life because I'm occupied and my heart is glad...

I think too much about, desire too much from, and am content with too little of - this life. But, I argue with myself, could a thinking man do any less? And yet, wasn't Solomon a thinking man, and - at the end of his analysis, this is where he wound up... hm.

Lay it down, boy... lay it down... accept your lot... you'll be happier. :)

Stop the Chaos!

It feels like I'm a homeless squatter trying to sleep at building that's being rehabbed. The place was empty, but nice, when I got there. Now... it's a mess.

That's what happens when you have flooring, painting, electrical, carpentry, all going on simultaneously, and I'm functioning as the general contractor, trying to get the workers to all communicate with one another.

But even within one firm (the flooring people), they don't communicate with each other. The installers (separate ones for hardwood and carpet) and the scheduler and the account exec are not working well together. :( Much less informing the homeowner of issues that are affecting the outcome! And you'd think that four weeks of discussion might lead to the work all getting done on time. Arghh!

So, a few things will be put off until after the furniture move-in, but hopefully they'll be just little annoyances, not major aggravation. Aaaaaah! I thought that I could enjoy the sale of our house in New England for at least a day...

I think it's a lack of good sleep as well. I have less tolerance than usual when fatigued. This air mattress is not cutting it.

But, just for laughs, check out the groooooovy floor that was underneath the carpet in the den/office. Far out, man!

SOLD!

Yay! :D

We countered with $5K up, they came back with $2K less, and that means... we're done!

Now, no duplicate mortgage payments, at least not for very long, if at all. I expect a fast closing, and then we can cut all ties to New England, hopefully for the last time.

And talk about good timing! The movers are packing today, loading tomorrow, and then D heads West in the other car. So while they are lifting our load, we can also leave with yet another load lifted, thank God!

Out of Egypt - to the Promised Land!

Hmm... need to run to the store and pick up some milk and honey...

An Offer!!

Woooo!

And from just the kind of buyer we want:

pre-qualified for a loan
no house to sell
simple inspection requirements
desire fast closing to occupy quickly

and, a young couple just starting out... their first house... awww...

It's just that - we lowered the price $10K on Friday, and they came in $8,000 below that. :(

But we don't want to lose this kind of buyer, either, so...

we counter with another $5K up and see where we settle out.

Cross your fingers, toes, eyes...

we might just be done!

I'm in!

the new house...

Yes, it's like camping. Me and an air mattress. And soon, me and an air mattress, and... carpenters, electricians, flooring people. Ick.

At least there is one room in the place that no one is touching, and I can shut the door and hide. And! the internet is working, my wireless network on the Mac is up, and music is playing... so it's not like I'm cut off from civilization, exactly. ;)

The commute is down to 30 minutes as of this morning, too, so that seems a little better.

I just have to keep reminding myself - this is temporary, this is temporary. In a few months, everything will seem normal.

Almost there...

It was a nice two days back East, and a great trip cross-country so far, too. But 1000 miles and two days of hard driving and I'm ready to be done, even with a spanking new vehicle that befits a man like me (you know... classy, stylish, giving off a hint of virility without overstating it or grasping at youth - that kind of car.)

;)

So, with air mattress, sheets, towels, some kitchen things, shower curtain, etc.. and my trusty Mac.. I'm soon going to set up camp in the new house.

Closing is tomorrow (with realtor as trusted power of attorney), and occupancy by end of business day on Wednesday. By the weekend, "camp" should be organized, and the remodeling contractors set to work, too.

I'll whip this new place into shape before D & J1 (maybe J2?) arrive for Memorial Day weekend! They'll see! :)

One last trip

back East.

The last trip to a house I own there, anyway..

Tomorrow I fly out and then drive back (in a new set of wheels!)

It will be a whirlwind of chores, car shopping, catching up, conversation, planning, decisions, unpacking and packing up again... probably no time to relax, really.

So, the time on the road will be welcome. Some good music, a nice car, the open road ahead, a destination to look forward to... :)

Sounds nice.



Mmm, and another simple pleasure - the last of the boxes were put to death today at the office. :) Good thing, since the new house will be filled with them soon. :(

Sold!

Well, not the house...

but the car! :)

Some guy named Sergiy from Chicago bought it - for my full asking price, no less - and promptly paid his $500 deposit. Apparently he is a broker who buys cars in the US and resells them in Europe. Huh. Well, as long as his cashier's check clears..

I wonder what country he'll market this one in? I think... Italy. :) Oh, but it will probably be Lithuania or Romania or someplace where they eat cabbage and rutabagas.

But, you know what this means!!!

ooooooooooooooh...



Yeah, baby! Watch me go now... finally a little horsepower. Not to mention class.

One Thing Needful

Sunday I was back at my old church, and by the second song I was in tears already. I do so miss it there...

They sang an old Lutheran hymn, with somewhat altered lyrics, which I have always loved. It speaks of a single-mindedness about faith which I sorely lack. Such good counsel, but so hard for a pleasure-seeker like me to follow. :(

Thank God that He is merciful and full of grace. I experience that on a daily basis. And I'm not the only one who does...



One thing needful! This one treasure Teach me, Savior, to esteem;
Other things may promise pleasure, But are never what they seem;
They prove to be burdens that vex us and try us,
And true lasting happiness never provide us;
This one precious treasure, that all else exceeds,
Gives joy above measure and fills all my needs.

Seekest thou the One thing needful; Leave all cares that hind’ring prove;
Be of earthly joys unheedful; Fix thy heart on things above;
For where God and man both in one are united,
With God’s perfect fullness the heart is delighted;
There, there is the worthiest lot and the best;
My one and my all and my joy and my rest.

I have naught, my God, to offer Save the blood of Thy dear Son;
Graciously accept the proffer; Make His righteousness my own.
His holy life gave He, was crucified for me;
His righteousness perfect, He now pleads before Thee;
His own robe of righteousness, my highest good,
Shall clothe me in glory through faith in His blood.

Henceforth Thou alone, my Savior, Shalt be all in all to me.
Search my heart and my behavior; Cast out all hypocrisy.
Restrain me from wand’ring in pathways unholy,
And throughout life’s pilgrimage keep my heart lowly;
I’ll value but lightly earth’s treasure and store:
Thou art the One needful, and mine evermore!

Back to it

Vacation's over. :(

But it was really nice. Time well spent, and good memories.

So, back to work tomorrow, and soon after that one last trip to New England to pack one car full of guns, ammo and alcohol, and drive it to the Twin Cities. (!!!) I'd better not get pulled over! ;)

Hmm... but which car? Will the Cruiser sell by Monday? Hope so. I'm not sure she has another long trip in her, poor baby.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ih=006&sspagename=STRK%3AMESE%3AIT&viewitem=&item=160108740116&rd=1,1

Doctor, doctor, can you tell?

What will make poor Billy well?

I remember hearing that singsong rhyme growing up, and even trying to pick it out on the piano when I was little, since it's so catchy.

But in this case, my doctor is doing really well... at getting me well. :)

This week I did the required blood work and then saw her for the exam and interpretation of the results, and... yay! Such good news.

Cholesterol & triglyceride levels ideal. Better than ideal! Super.

Thyroid just right. No changes needed.

Testosterone a little high, but not much. Back off one squirt on the pump. It may help with mood volatility, too, she thinks.

Oh, and she said I shouldn't worry about throwing off lots of heat - she said it's very male, why men sleep with less on, do those silly polar bear event things, and why you see young guys barechested at winter sports events (well, it could be the beer, too.) But anyway, the more characteristic maleness, the more heat given off.

Mmmhmm, I like that answer! ;) So, in my best Barry White voice: "Ohhh, yeahhhh, baby, tell me that some more..."

My weight is down again (at an ideal pace), muscle mass up nicely. Ha - she even suggested that I revise my ideal weight goal *upward* to account for the better muscle definition.. oooh, this doctor is good for my self-esteem!

Not to mention that I'm living 700 miles closer to her now, and she won't be so hard to get to. So, no big changes to the regimen and meds, and... see you in late December, doc. Thanks for the pep talk!

Rrrrr.... may I thump my chest now?

Sell, sell, sell!

Back East, there is frenzied interest in the house. Over 25 potential buyers ccame through the open house last Sunday! One couple came back twice. :) The realtor called yesterday to say there is a couple who desperately wants to come through tonight, and could they have a showing? Fortunately D doesn't get back from Italy until 11PM, so no problem with that. And, she has a day to sleep off the jet lag before the next open house this Sunday.

Go, go, go! No duplicate mortage payments, please..

Oh, and - I put my car up for sale on eBay Motors. Yes, the Cruiser! Can you believe it? It's time..

And so far, bidding is up to $4,003. Not far from my reserve price. Oooh, that would be nice. Then I could do a cash deal on a new Dodge Charger in black. Rrrr...

Sell, baby, sell!

Vacation!

I love it. :)

With no immediate family even in the Western Hemisphere right now, I can't think of a better time to be out and about. Especially before the work on the new house begins to explode, I have no time to think, and have to sleep on an air mattress...

So, from major urban centers to rural hamlets, I'm making the rounds. So far, it's been great - absolutely great!

I wish I understood better what I love so much about autonomy. And I wish I knew how to make money at it. :) Being good at relationships is what helps you get paid well, regardless of your technical training. Not to mention it pays well in the intangibles of life. :) The better your relationships, the better your quality of life - even if you are a person who thrives on being autonomous. Like me.