Travel time again

Heading out for 3 days in San Fransisco this morning, all work releated, and looong days at that. My first red-eye flight ever on the way back, too. Oh boy! :( I'm sure I'll be cranky after that one...

I haven't been to SF for the longest time, and do miss it. I used to get there probably every other month or so, and often managed to drive up into Napa and poke around. Right now everything should be green in the countryside, with winter the rainy season there. In the summer, it's all a golden brown and pretty in a different way.

Then back on Thursday only to turn around Saturday and head to the Twin Cities (by way of Chicago to see J2's choir concert) to start the new job, and look for housing.

I'm getting nervous - first day jitters!

It's Done!

The job is decided. And the terms are set. I think this will work. :)

I'll start in the Twin Cities April 2, living in and out of hotels for a while, but with an eye toward having a (probably) rented place by 5/1 or 6/1. Not sure buying is the best idea right now, but... I can be persuaded. We'll see what the market looks like.

So yay! It's good to be moving forward (or back, depending on how you see it.) I'm looking forward to picking up with grad school again in Fall, and to returning to the promised land after being exiled in Egypt (as I call it out here) for the second time in 6 years.

The only thing I wish I could do is bring the New England house back with me. It's great, and I hate to leave it behind. Other people seem to think it's great, too. After only being listed for 3 days, we've had 3 showings, and people are very complimentary. I think the retro lounge is going to add to the market value!

It should, darn it. It's cool. :)

Made it!

Flew back last night through ice pellets bouncing off the airplane wings. Only a half hour late, and one of the smoothest landings ever. Whew!

Every half-hour the pilot would come on the intercom and give us an update on the condition of the runway where were would be landing, specifically to assure us that the "braking action appears to be good".

Yikes! Would he have said something if it weren't? Like... "the braking action is highly questionable, the last two planes that tried to land are now in a pile at the end of the runway by the cow pasture... but buckle up, everybody, we're going in!"

Good thing I parked in the covered ramp at the airport - no cleaning off the car. But the drive was so icy that I couldn't make it into the garage last night so sometime I have to think about going outside. Just not today. :)

I have homework to do!!! It's my last day to turn in assignments and try to preserve my A in NT102 "Emergence of the Church".

Really good trip yesterday. The job options are clearer, they seem like things that I could do okay for a few years, the people there seem interested in having me, etc. By mid-next week, all the details should be worked out, including transition terms and a start date.

I may even be able to sign up for a class during the summer term! Wow, who would have thought I'd ever be excited about going to school in summer? :)

Wonder if the seminary has air conditioned classrooms? ;)

Weather is NOT my friend

Now it looks like it will snow here tomorrow, when I am supposed to be in the Twin Cities wrapping up a job selection process. So far, it's just rainy and getting colder, but... you know what that means!

I'll be driving to and from my on-site class tonight (for the final exam), and I suppose the return trip will tell me how things are shaping up.

If I can get out of here in the morning, great! It's not supposed to snow *there*, and so maybe I can finally get to a decision on this job thing and start planning for a transition.

But here... we'll get 3-6 inches by Friday evening. I hope I can get back, or I will NOT be able to finish my online class assignments. :( Saturday is the last day I can turn them in.

Arghh! I want that "A"! If not, I'll have yet another weather-related disruption. I have all the disruptions I can handle right now, thanks. Snow, hold off!

The for sale sign

goes up in the yard tomorrow.

Here we go...

But - to which job of the 3?

At least I know which school and what program.

Maybe next week I'll know the other answer.

Oh, and the *other* other answer, too. :)

That's cryptic, huh? Well... it fits.

SemPM and Corporate Security

Um... what?!? What kind of a title is that?

Convoluted.

I know. That's me, baby. :)

Two conversations of note this morning at the office.

First, on my way in.

I'm entering the complex, and... a security gate has malfunctioned between two buildings and there is suddenly no way to get there from here. There's a half-dozen people fiddling with it, some working, some kibitzing, and a crowd has gathered to watch. Ooh, ooh, I wanna see, too! :)

But then I do something naughty. I whip out my cell phone and take a picture of the festivities, to wit:

At which point, a blue-suited guy with an ex-military air comes over and says "just who do you work for? Are you an employee?" Woah! He goes on to tell me that it's company policy that no one can take photos in the building unless you're with corporate communications. Well, excuuuuuuse me. :)

So I fold it up and put it away, and start tapping on my Blackberry, just doing some email while I wait. Then he starts shooing the crowd away telling us to go outside and use another entrance. People begin to drift off, and I'm finishing up an email. He comes over and says again: "who is your supervisor? I'm just trying to help you here."

At that point I got mad and said "Oh, give me a break, you're not trying to help me, you just suspect me of being a troublemaker. This is a corporate-issued Blackberry, on which I'm doing company work, which you are impeding. Who is *your* supervisor?" He left me alone. And then I took his picture, too. :) Pfbbbbt!

Second conversation was back at my desk. Got a call from the assoc. registrar at school (the main campus in the Twin Cities.) I had inquired about transferring to the regular seminary from this East Coast extension campus, and wanted some info about their evening program, which they call SemPM.

It's cohort-based, offers my preferred major, runs 3 years, all classes on Monday nights, cranking through 4 credits every 5 weeks. Wow. Lots of work... detailed information is en route.

But! There's another option of which I was unaware. They have made a "catalog committment" to having all the courses which are available to their regular daytime seminary students also available to them on Tuesday and Thursday nights over a period of several years.

So, I don't *have* to do the canned 3 year intensive approach, but could lighten it up if need be and go a little slower if I had to. That's nice to know. :) This quarter doing 8 credits in 10 weeks with full-time employment on top has been ... well, it's been a lot.

Hm. This school thing is looking better all the time. :)

Melancholy Music

Why is it that when you feel melancholy you tend to gravitate to melancholy music? You know, the "play it again, Sam" idea, or the lyrics in Sinatra's "One More For The Road".. the guy drinking alone in a bar, with a sad song on the jukebox that speaks of lost love or grief. Doesn't that just make it worse? Wouldn't happy, goofy music be better?

But you know... I did it to myself last week. I've been trying to fight off melancholia (and stomach acid - you know, the tension kind that feels ulcerous) this whole last week. Thursday I burned a CD full of sad songs that I labeled as "Soundtrack for a Fool" and listened to it over and over. Dumb idea. Once I dug out some livelier latin, dance and house music, it helped. :)

So the last day or two I thought I was doing pretty well, until lunch today when I'm sitting in the local Subway having hot pastrami on a low-carb wrap, and the sound system overhead plays 3 sad emo "you're a loser" kind of songs in a row, and all of a sudden the stomach acid rises, the tears come, and I'm a mess again. Ruined a good pastrami sandwich, besides...

What's the matter with these music programmers? Don't they realize I'm fragile right now?? (sniff!)

:)

I'll be okay - and soon, I hope. I just need to move forward, you know? ..not dwell on what's past. The right music helps.

Rent vs Buy

I'm getting the feeling that owning a home is not going to be part of the next move. Once grad school is done in ... 3 years? ... who knows where my classroom might be?

Trying to sell this house only a year after buying it will be disastrous economically, especially without the company picking up all the costs of the sale they way they usually do. Yuk. So why get in that same situation again?

It would make more sense to rent a townhouse or something, and get used now to yet another reduction in lifestyle and space, so as to eventually get down to spending what a schoolteacher can afford. Getting expenses well below income is going to be pretty critical to build some savings back up and make the next few years work.

This is kind of like starting over... except I'm not 24!

I just feel like it on certain days. :)

What is truth?

That famous comment by Pontius Pilate from John 18:38 was ringing in my head last night and this morning. Was Pilate just jaded and cynical? Did he think that truth was at best situational? Or did he really know what the truth was, and... was afraid of it?

I think the latter. In the verse before, he stands there in dialogue with Truth, personified. Then he makes his cryptic statement. And then, turns right around in the next verse and says to the crowd "I find no fault in Him".

I think he knew Truth when he saw it, when he heard it. But it cut him to the heart because he didn't like its implications, didn't want to have to change what he was inside. He tried to let the crowds act honorably, in his place, but when they didn't, he acquiesced to what was the most expedient thing for the moment.

I think he knew himself - that doing the expedient thing was already his default setting. I think he knew that, in the end, he would let the opinions of others guide his choices.

I think he knew that he would not change who he was inside, not for anyone, and so - tried to make it easier on himself. Truth was staring him in the face, showing him who he was, and he didn't like what he saw. So he dodged it.

And who among us doesn't do the exact same thing?

This, really, is why the Truth was sacrificed later that same day... to pay for those of us who avoid Truth, who do the expedient thing instead (which, in the end, is really not that expedient after all.)

And for those of us who do these things... Truth doesn't just condemn; He forgives!

So do I.

How could I not? For someone like me who daily has so much that needs forgiveness, and's who's already *been* forgiven of so much, so repeatedly, how could I not follow His example and forgive, even if it happens to me again and again?

I must.

God has no illusions about who we are. He forgives, accepts, loves anyway. How can I do less? I need to travel with no illusions about people, about who they are. No rose-colored glasses. Rather... forgive, accept, love.

I must.

And I want to.

One down

Heard from the recruiter last night.

Now I know which Twin Cities. :)

And it won't be an easy transition, financially or otherwise. Hopefully, though, it will be a fulfilling and internally rewarding one. The picture is clarifying, anyway. I keep the strong focus on grad school and direction toward a new career, and have a weak focus on the day-to-day job and old career.

Can I be in a classroom by Fall of 2009? 2010?

It's never happy news to get turned down. No one wants to be rejected. Even if all it really is, is a clarifying by God of His direction for your life, you still take it personally and look for the flaws in yourself that made you unwanted.

You'd think, being male, that a lifetime of asking women for ... whatever it is men ask them for ... and getting routinely rejected in one way or another, kindly, neutrally or harshly, that it would be easier to handle. It isn't - at least not for me.

These are the few days in my life when I envy thick-skinned people.

It's Finals Week

and in my on-line class I am sooooo far behind! Vacations and business trips tend to influence me in non-productive ways. :)

Ugh. I'm not sure I'll catch up. But at least I have an A going in that one (until now!) The on-site class at least I'm current in, even though I'm only on track for a C. I was hoping for a B average, but I'm not sure now that's going to happen.

Well, class tonight (I'll miss the MU-Pitt game! Waah!), and then one more day of vacation. Maybe I can catch up on that somewhat tomorrow. I should be able to work hard on Saturday too. Sunday I'll be catching up on all that happened on the latest missions trip.

Then another week of work, and perhaps more travel. Travel? During finals? Unheard of!

Which is better?

The apostle Paul told the Corinthians in no uncertain terms not to focus on their rights and to stop taking their fellow church members to court. "Wouldn't it be better to be defrauded?", Paul said, rather than focus on protecting yourself?

There are people like the Corinthians in every generation who are so concerned about self-protection that they will do whatever is necessary to avoid giving up their rights to autonomy and privacy for somebody else's sake, even to the point of hurting them if need be. They'll avoid at all costs being taken advantage of, or being put out, or risking hurt, even if it's for the welfare of another.

I understand this. I love privacy, autonomy, having things on my terms, being in charge, in control. But there's a line I won't cross to have that.

On the other hand, there are other people who are willing to suffer, to take hurt upon themselves, in order to keep someone else from harm, and to do them good.

I don't really understand that very well. But I also know when and in what circumstances that becomes the only right thing to do - let yourself be hurt for their sake. When you're committed to them - it's what you do.



Who would you rather be?

To be genuine and open-hearted, but a complete naif and total fool,

or...

To be duplicitous and guarded, but never get taken advantage of?



And which is better:

To give freely of yourself, believe the best of others, but wind up being defrauded?

or...

To hold yourself back, not risk exposing yourself to hurt, and so be solidly in control?



Which is better:

To love with your whole heart, lay yourself completely open, and wind up being cut deep and wide?

or...

To love only until it gets costly, keep enough secrets to guard your heart, and never really risk being open at all?



Which is better?

To vow to never hurt someone, give until you have nothing left, and then wind up being taken for granted?

or...

To do what's in your best interests, and hide what you must, to avoid wounding deeply those who love you?



Which is better?



I love independence, but..

As for me, I would rather be a total fool, be taken advantage of, be defrauded, be in the control of others, be cut deep and wide, be taken for granted, be abused and wounded, be seen as weak, but ... be trustworthy.

Or would you rather be seen by others as essentially closed to them, revealing only what you choose, independent, nobody's fool, worldly-wise, cynical, self-interested, but ... be able to stay safe from hurt and criticism?

Tough choice.

But if I had to choose between being the loyal dog who craves a kind touch, and being the master who one day pets and another day kicks the dog... I'd rather be the simple-minded dog. At least his heart is genuine. You never question a dog's sincerity. He just keeps coming back for more of the same - he loves unreservedly.

March

March.. March.. March..

Just the sound of it makes you think of moving ahead, of progress, of new life, of hope springing eternal.

A while back I had a view of what this March would bring. It sure has turned out differently than I thought, as has this vacation.

So here I sit in Cedar Rapids, IA, having biscuits & gravy with some nasty tasting coffee that I had to over-sweeten to get down, wondering what happened to March. Not to mention wondering what will happen next?

Why Cedar Rapids, you ask? Why not? I'm directionless, so...

Besides, I ran out of gas here, so it seemed like a good idea to stay over. I got myself "a clean comfortable room at a reasonable price" with a light left on for me. Plus the local Target has a wine department - that came in pretty handy last night.

There are some perfectly lovely sights to behold in Cedar Rapids. Really! And did you know that it's the dog food capital of the Midwest? You betcha!

(Sigh)

The recruiter called this morning. Still no resolution to which Twin Cities I'll be working in, and no timetable for knowing, so I guess I might as well go home tomorrow. Not that anyplace is home anymore. I thought I knew. I used to be able to name a place that felt like it.. but now - I don't know what to call home. I thought there was a place for me somewhere, and that this week would just confirm what I already knew All it's done so far is make me feel more homeless.

If March is so hopeful... why do I feel so melancholy?

Hey, Buddy. Pass the sugar, would ya? This is going to have to get a whole lot sweeter for me to get it down...

Actions Speak

louder than words, so the saying goes. I'm more convinced of that than ever.

Words can be beautiful things, and they can do much to heal. But they can do the opposite as well. As an example, if words you were counting on to be true, and were even assured to be true, prove later to be deceptive... it changes everything about your view of the person or organization that told them to you, and the impact from being lied to doesn't go away easily.

Even if your respect for the organization or your love for the person is stronger than the hurt, and you remain committed to them, you now view everything they say to you as unreliable.

What you look at from then on... is their actions. No wonder there's so many sayings on it - talk is cheap; easy to say, hard to do; I'll believe it when I see it, etc., etc. People and companies break trust, or build it up falsely in the first place.

Maybe this is what James had in mind when he said that "the tongue is a fire" and "no man can tame the tongue" and then goes on to list all the damage it can do, and how inconsistently we use what we say for both good and bad purposes. Except how is a person to know which use it's being put to, when someone's talking or writing to you? How can you tell?

Actions. Watch their actions. See if they match the words. Like Reagan's famous line about his approach to the Soviets: "trust, but verify". And if the verify part doesn't line up with the words part... then wait for their actions to line up, before you count on anything from them, before you take anything they say at face value again.

Maybe that's also what James meant when he said "what does it profit, brothers, if someone *says* he has faith, but does not have works?", and "I will show you my faith *by* my works". James knew how people are willing to lie to create a certain impression, or to avoid creating one, (like looking bad in the eyes of someone who matters to them.) So instead of lying about it, he wants instead that our actions actually line up with our words. To him, yes you trust a person's profession of faith (or love, or honesty), sure, but you *verify* it by their works (their actions.)

A person's actions really are the best indicator of what's in their heart. They may say all kinds of things about what they'd like to do with you, or want for you, or feel about you, but what they actually *do* for you is what shows you the truth.

Actions usually cost you something in terms of time or money (or quasi-money like vacation days or career building) or image or reputation or embarrassment or privacy or inconvenience. How do you know what you're worth to someone? By what they're really willing to spend of themselves on you. Exactly how much they value you will show - in their actions.

So here's a new "old saying", then (in rhyme of course):

Let them say what they may;
What they do tells what's true.

And for someone like me, who uses words a lot.. That means there's a lot of ground to cover; it can get very costly to have your actions match all those words. No wonder Solomon said "the more words, the more grief." I should pay attention and say less, so that when I say something.. it's true.

Psalm 151

No, I'm no warrior/poet/king like David, but the title is just a reminder that God is still as worthy of praise today as He was then.

Psalm 151
(a Psalm of Bob, contemplating wonderful things beyond his understanding)

The mercy of God is compassionate,

sparing the soul from judgment;

and in His mercy,

He does not cause those He loves

to suffer as their sins deserve.

The Lord grants His people two gifts in their sinfulness,

yes three in their wickedness:

to see their iniquity as He sees it,

to know the sorrow that fills His heart,

and to see His pardon wash over them like a cleansing rain.

The grace of God is powerful

to raise those He loves from death to life,

even in the midst of their sin;

the Lord's grace is also tender to bring healing

in their grief and brokenness.

We do not sin, Oh Lord God, so that mercy and grace may come. May it never be! But in our wanderings away from what is best, we know Your comfort and Your kindness, we hear Your relentless call to return to what we know is good.

For even when we fall, You lift us up;

when we run from what is good,

You still allow good to come to us;

and when we are lost

You never fail to show us the way home.

Is something being orchestrated?

As the prior post said, I was supposed to be in the Twin Cities Friday for some interviews. Due to a combination of airline incompetence and storm activity, I wound up missing my flight (to what turned out to be a closed office anyway, due to a storm, so that was a good thing) and redirected to a different place in the Midwest where I was going to wind up anyhow, afterwards.

Now I have to reschedule the interviews, which is another good thing as it will allow another set of circumstances to bake a little more thoroughly, and maybe help my timing work out right. I felt kind of at the mercy of a Larger Hand directing me on Friday. Maybe that same Hand will finish up directing my affairs for me this coming week, while I'm taking a vacation, goofing off, doing a few of my very favorite things, and.... studying every other spare minute. :) And then maybe I'll know where I'm moving and to what purpose.

Last night I went to the movie "Wild Hogs". Four middle aged men, all thoroughly domesticated (and in some cases emasculated) on a motorcycle road trip, rediscovering who they are. Dumb, but funny, and ... a tad too close to home at times! Also saw Zodiac, a serial killer mystery - good show.

Today, slept in, will put in a few hours of study and then... college basketball! Woo hoo! I love vacation!

Twin Cities, here I come!

Ah, but which pair of Twin Cities? That's the question. There's more than one, you know...

I was in one over the weekend, and will be in a different one Friday. And what it looks like is that one or the other will be a new primary address, soon! I just don't know which, yet.

More to come on that.

But the weekend was great. Managed to survive the storms, mostly unaffected except for my return flight which got delayed. Such fun with J1 & J2, though! And with the dog. He remembered me, aww.. and so fluffy. Needs a haircut. ;) The kids are doing well, and are excited about the prospect of the lead topic above.

Me, too. :)

Stay Tuned!

Things are going to happen fast the next couple of weeks.

Today I'm flying from one snowstorm to another. I slogged my way back from class last night, driving an hour-fifteen in driving snow. You know the kind that, at night, when you flip your brights on, you immediately flip them back off because it was white-out? That kind.

And by tonight in Chicagoland it sounds like it will be the same thing. It will be great fun to have an evening out with J1 and J2, though, and sleep in on Saturday, before I head to my business further south. The extra sleep will come in handy. I need to shake this head cold by Sunday night dinner!

More news next week. Job-related, all.

Motivations

This morning I was thinking about what in life motivates me. Not necessarily the things I value highly and enjoy, like music and beauty and symmetry and philosophy and meaning, but the things that I have consistently found myself striving to have present in my personal life.

I first started thinking about it in terms of what I want in a job, since I'm not crazy about this one, but then I thought "Oh, there's more to this than just the workplace. These things motivate my personal life, too." So, I'll start with the general application and then move to work.

This is a short list, but it hits the big motivations that have been around my whole life:

Freedom of Movement
Privacy
Individuality
Creativity
Self-expression
Being Wanted/Loved



The first two I suppose are variations on the idea of having a high degree of independence and autonomy (setting my own agenda, not having to answer closely to others, being able to pick up and go when and if I want.) It's been a driving force in my choices my whole life long. I've just suppressed it - a lot, for relationship reasons. And it's definitely been a source of either tension or lack of depth in most of my relationships. But if I ever feel like I have a real choice - I'll opt for autonomy every time.

Now bring in the notion of individuality, and you get the idea that I do NOT want to be what others expect me to be, to fit into a mold, play a role. I bristle at that. So much so, that I've found myself sometimes doing crazy and oddball things that I might not otherwise do, if for no other reason than to break a mold, step outside a pattern, do the unexpected, improvise, startle, get around the slowpoke in front of me, shake off the chafing yoke around my neck.

Part of this is related, I guess, to the artistic bent that I come wired with. Creativity is constantly bubbling inside and often boils over uncontrollably. The ideas just come, unbidden. I can't stop them. So I am driven to find situations where I can let it out "safely" and not scare people. ;) But if I have to be scary to vent the creativity, then darn it, I will be! Too bad. And, like the fiercely independent artist, they need to be *my* ideas, not someone else's who is simply paying my bills. I want my "patron" to allow me artistic freedom! :)

And this spills over into self-expression. I have a need to say what's on my mind, pour out what's on my heart, sing what's in my soul, whether people like it or not. Of course I hope they do, but - if they don't - I still need to get it out. Thank God for weblogs, community theatre, clubs and cabarets for singing and acting, and classrooms for teaching. I'd go crazy if I couldn't do these things, and have been miserable whenever those opportunities haven't been there.

Finally, the last item - being loved, being wanted. This is pretty universal, granted. But notice - it's *not* being needed! No, I have no real desire to be needed, because that implies a lack of autonomy, less freedom of movement. I'd much rather be *wanted* than needed. And I really don't want someone else dependent on me, any more than I want to be dependent on someone else. I admire autonomy and independence in others, too.

But! to be wanted, and loved... oh my yes! When I create, and express myself, and people enjoy it and want more... life is good. When someone knows who I am inside and loves me because of (or maybe *despite*) what they find inside, life is great! Sometimes I find a situation which is so good that way, that I never want it to stop, never want the show to close, the audience to tire, the words to stop flowing, the loving to take a break, the intimacy to need space.

Yet these things *have* to happen, don't they, at least occasionally, or those who want me and/or love me would be, in effect, prisoners, no? And rather than perform for a captive audience, or be loved by someone who's duty-bound to it, who wouldn't rather have people come back to you of their own accord because they enjoy who you are and what you do for them? Of course!

Yes, it takes more courage and self-confidence to let people be free of you if they choose to be, but then if they *do* stay, whether as fans or as friends or as lovers, their devotion to you is all the more sweet! Does even God prefer to be loved out of a sense of obligation? Or is His desire rather for a love and devotion from us which results from His kindness toward us, and our response to who He is?

So, okay, this is the personal life application, but what about work?

I think what this means for a job is that I want one where I:

am in charge, in the lead
have competent, independent staff
am not micro-managed, but trusted
implement my own ideas, not someone else's
can travel as I see need
get opportunities to teach and train
am valued by the company, my boss, my staff

So, let's see now... one out of seven isn't bad. Well - yes, it is. :(

I actually remember having one where all seven were in place. Believe it or not, I actually had the chance to write song lyrics and wear funny costumes and sing, and it was job-related! It was the most fun I've had in my 30+ years of working. At this point, I'd like very much one where I can hit on 5 or so of the above. Compared to where I am now, that would sure be sweet.

Strange week behind and ahead

Well, this is a different stretch. My otherwise very pleasant travels earlier in the week to Wisconsin and then to Florida got artificially extended by the snowstorm, which cancelled my flight back to New England, and forced me to spend an extra day in Miami Beach. :( I was so bummed. Really! Who needs 80 sunny degrees anyway? Give me Great Lakes weather any day. :)

Yeah, I can tell you're all sympathetic.

So I got back to a solid 6" sheet of snow/ice in the drive, and sub-freezing temps, so it will no doubt sit there now until Spring. Plus, non-stop study since I've been back, to get caught up. Serves me right, I suppose.

Then, starting tomorrow I have the house to myself for several days. Hope I can discipline myself to hit the books and not the clubs! Ha. Not to worry. I found out a while back that they don't even *open* until after I've gone to bed! ;)

And next weekend... I'm off to the Midwest again for a long weekend, quasi-business excursion and a chance to visit J1 & J2. Yay!

After that... who knows? I could be anywhere.

What is Love Like?

I've always loved numbers, loved to look for patterns in them, loved random number generators or coin flipping or dice rolling to see if they *really* distributed randomly or not. :) Geek boy...

Later, it was fun in math classes to learn about all different kinds of numbers: rational and irrational, real and imaginary, etc., because with categories like those, *now* we start crossing over into the realm of philosophy, another favorite subject, as faithful readers of this blog already know. ;)

So, with the coming of Valentine's Day once again, I happened to be browsing through a little collection I have of sayings about love, and this one struck me:

"Love is like pi", it said, "natural, irrational, and very important." Well!, I thought. It's way more than that!

Like pi, love is:

natural,

but

irrational

never-changing,

but

non-repeating

infinite,

but

limiting

constraining,

but

scaleable

and

a fundamental constant

that helps the world hang together.



But one thing it's not.

It's not:

imaginary.

:) It's very real. :)

Happy Valentine's Day!



And oh, yeah... if you were to try to describe it fully, just like describing pi, describing love would take all the pages of all the books that all the paper in the world could make, and you would not exhaust the subject.

The Book of Pi

Hip Gnosis

Secret knowledge. Hidden wisdom. Keys to enlightenment.

From the first century to the 21st, there's been a stream of these ideas bubbling underneath popular culture and mainstream religion. Rarely with big box-office popularity ("Rocky"), but with more of a devoted cult following ("Rocky Horror").

And, if you run with a certain crowd that values the esoteric and obscure just because they are esoteric and obscure, a good working knowledge of Gnostic literature adds to one's hipness quotient. If you can quote from the Gospel of Thomas or Judas and converse about it for a few minutes, your literati coolness factor goes way up. (I've read them, by the way. Not in the original Coptic, but still - I'm hip.)

I want to talk about the ancient Gnostics and where they are alive and well today in mainstream America, but you might not recognize them right away. But before I get there (maybe in part 2 of this post, as I think about it...), let's consider just for a bit the concept of Gnosticism and how it actually works out in real life situations.

First, gnosis is just the Greek word for knowledge.

Gnosticism is the notion that knowledge leads one to ... oh, pick one: self-fulfillment, higher consciousness, connection with the divine spark within, the next stage in evolution, transcendence... and so the pursuit of knowledge becomes the highest purpose for humankind. The more knowledge, the more advancement, etc.

Secret or hidden knowledge is more highly prized in this arena because it isn't as easily accessed or understood as is mainstream "popular" wisdom. And obviously if what *everyone* knows was good enough, we wouldn't have all the problems we have today, right? So... there must be other wisdom that less people know, and the less people that know it, the further from the mainstream and therefore the more valuable it probably is.

Okay, with that as backdrop, let me shift gears a minute and talk about the way our personalities work. I'll start by using another Greek word, psuche, most often translated as "soul" in the New Testament. We know almost instinctively that body and soul are separate, that the body stops at death, but the soul doesn't necessarily stop, depending on your view of the afterlife.

I'll show later (I think) that one's soul and one's spirit are not synonymous either. For now, let's say that the spirit is that part of us that is innately searching for some kind of meaning in life, some connection with eternity or with something greater than us.

So I think of a person as being in three parts, body, soul and spirit. I'll leave out the body and spirit parts of this discussion for now. For simplicity's sake let me equate the soul to that part of us that goes on into the next life, however you want to think of that, as well as what makes us who we are in this life - our personality.

It seems that the personality or soul is also made up of three parts: reason, emotion and volition. Said in other words: mind, heart and will. We sometimes refer to the will as "drive" or "strength of character" or "inner strength". The collective operation of those parts makes us who we are as human beings. It reminds me of the Great Commandment: to love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, strength. In other words, with all of who you are.

Life is lived experientially, not theoretically. So, when we go through our days, we gather information and encounter stimuli. The information and stimuli come in through a sort of experience funnel where they interact with our emotions and our reason. We think about some of the stuff and have emotional reactions to some of the stuff. Both our mind and our heart then inform our will. Our reason and our emotions move upon the will until we make a volitional choice to act or not act in some way.

Once we make a choice to act (or not), it comes out the bottom of the funnel, and then we begin to experience the outcome of that decision as it ripples into our daily life. The consequences go back into the top of the funnel as information to think about or stimuli to react to, and the process continues. It's a feedback loop of sorts, supplemented by additional experiences (related or unrelated) that happen continuously to us or around us.

Sometimes this feedback happens instantaneously, as in getting involved a parking lot fender-bender, deciding to jump out and holler at the other person, and then deciding NOT to retaliate after they've just hit you, but apologize instead. Or... any one of a dozen other permutations of that incident.

Other times the feedback loop is loooooong. Like reluctantly moving to take a new job and then finding after a year that it's not a good fit for you, and then deciding to return the recruiter's phone call this time when she calls, which several months later leads to a better job than you could have ever imagined would come your way 2 years earlier. It even moves you back sort of where you came from. Or something like that. Maybe. If you're lucky.

Now, I don't think that reason ever informs the emotions very much, or vice versa. I don't think they communicate much at all, except through the consequence feedback loop described above. They are like Mars and Venus, Cats and Dogs, Spaghetti and Waffles, Men and... well, you get my meaning. When's the last time your anger or lust or grief helped you slow down and think straight? When's the last time that thinking sensibly about the quality of your presentation in front of the Board of Directors made your palms stop sweating? They don't really help each other much.

So, if we get more knowledge, are we really any better off on a day to day basis, if we don't also give equal time to expanding our emotional capacity and range of emotional experience? *Some* people think we are. They are the modern-day Gnostics. More on who they are in the next part.

Oh, they have counterparts, too - people who think that getting in touch with and working out our feelings is the most important thing we can do to be better human beings. I'll identify them in the next part, too. Maybe you already know who these folks are. :) Hint: they're all certified and credentialed in their various fields. Or... they're wanna-bes who have cocktail-party theories (or blog posts!) to share with whomever will listen. ;)

You get what you pay for

And since I paid nothing for the flu shot this season... that's about what I got for it!

Since the wee hours of Thursday morning until mid-day Saturday I've been useless because of this nasty flu thing that's making it's way around. Finally today I feel like I can think, and so am back at the books again. 1&2 Corinthians this week. Not exactly simple reading.

Hm. It must be air travel that allows it to sprout almost simultaneously in the Midwest and in New England.

I've always thought, though, that the flu shot doesn't really *prevent* the flu, but it makes it harder to catch, and if you do catch it, the severity of the illness is less. Boy, if this was less severe than normal.. I really feel bad for all of you who got this thing without benefit of the shot. Yikes!

So, while I still feel like I lost in a bar fight, I only missed one evening of study, and by the end of Sunday should be caught up, I hope. In the meantime, as Paul says, I press on toward the prize...

Modern-day Cynic Philosophers?

This week in my online class we studied Paul's letters to Thessalonica. I'll spare you the intricacies of controversies over the dating, authorship, provence and literary style of the books. Yawn. Give me content over style any time. Well... maybe most of the time. Style can be pretty compelling, too - but it has to be really great to overcome mediocre substance. It's the reason I always judge a good song not just by the rhythm and vocal performance, but by the quality of the melody, the substance of the lyrics and the appropriateness of the chord structure and arrangement to set off both.

Wow. Half a dozen sentences and I'm already off subject. And this is just the intro... Do I never NOT have an opinion on something? Hmm. Don't answer that.

So, in 1 Thessalonians (which I think was written second, but never mind) Paul goes into this lengthy defence of his ministry, showing how he worked hard for his living, didn't live off the charity of his listeners, conducted himself respectfully and was circumspect in his speech, etc. But... who said he wasn't? Who's criticizng him that he has to make such a defence? It's one of the mysteries of these letters - who was opposing Paul? He refers to false teachers coming in, and people claiming to have letters from him that he didn't write, but... who?

The commentators make a pretty good case that it was the itinerant philosophers of the day who made the rounds of the Greek city-states (and Thessalonica was pretty big for its day - 100,000 people) and made their living by either renting lecture halls and speaking there (the Sophists) or setting up on street corners or in the marketplace and spouting off to whomever would listen, *and* contribute (the Cynics). Since Paul didn't stay in town long, people may have been saying "ahh, he's just another one of those philosophers looking for an audience and never seeing anything through." So he defends himself and his motives, and reminds people how he behaved (honorably) and why he didn't stay (driven out of town by a mob of opposition.)

Alright. With that as background - here's the point of the post today. A contemporary of Paul, a Roman author and social critic named Lucius, in his dialogue "The Runaways", wrote about Sophists as lecture-circuit philosophers (like todays seminar leaders), with a critical eye toward their tendency to not live lives that matched their message. The Sophists were orators (motivational speakers?) who developed followings of paying disciples who wanted to learn the secrets of moving up in civic life. Cynics on the other hand, tended to preach austerity and detaching oneself from the social structures of the day (anarchists?) to live more simply, even sponging off others if necessary (I have an interesting pamphlet from some anarchists on "freecycling" that actually advocates shoplifting to live more simply!). Lucian zeroed in on the Cynics as being particularly hypocritical, saying this of them:

"There was a tendency of common laborers to leave their workbenches and pursue the luxury of life as a fake philosopher. Anyone could gain a following by donning the short tunic, wallet and staff of the Cynic philosopher and spouting a torrent of abusive language about humanity in general. With a group of paying disciples in place, it was then a short step to a life of public austerity but private luxury - a purse full of gold, a table full of delicacies, and a life full of promiscuous sex."

Hm. Sounds like the Punk rockers and Rap stars of our day. You don't need a ton of talent - that's not how you gain a following. You only need the brass to step up on a platform and spout abusive language, set rhythmically to something vaguely resembling music, scream wildly or perhaps move suggestively, oh and be sure to wear the "uniform". Black studded leather, piercings, black/red dyed hair and makeup, work boots, chains, etc. for the Punk, and basketball jersey, baseball cap with flat brim off center, lots of gold chains, baggy pants low on hips, etc. for the Rapper. You look the part, you pepper your lyrics with cursing invective, scream against the system or praise a life of crime and exploitation, break things in a rage or grab crotch in a frenzy, etc. - and you'll get a following. And eventually... some degree of wealth, fame, sex and a comfortable lifestyle.

So, are the Punkers and Rappers the fake philosophers, the dime-a-dozen sidewalk Cynics of our day, fooling the young mob into thinking they're sincere when all they want is the comfortable lifestyle that having a following promises? Maybe I have less of a problem with rap stars since they at least aren't hypocritical - they preach the lifestyle, AND live it. It's degrading and brutally hedonistic, but - they're honest about it. But the successful punk rocker lives a very different lifestyle from what their followers live, very inconsistent with the earth-friendly, simple-living, liberal, or anarchist literature you find available at their tables. (see post of 11/28 "Anarchists Knitting Mittens") They rail at the very system that helps them become wealthy and allows them to privately live the life of conspicuous consumption which they publicly condemn.

I think I prefer the alternative non-Punk semi-folky or ethereal music of the day right now (either that or dance/house/electronica with no lyrics to interfere with the fun.) Better musicianship, and kinder, gentler lyrics that connect across generations (timeless stuff about love & loss, dreams & hurts, you know?) Why pay money to listen to either fake rage or unabashed self-indulgence?

You go, Lucius. You had it right 2000 years ago. Anybody with enough guts and little or no shame can get himself a following. There's always someone to fool. And so did Solomon have it right 3000 years ago: There *is* nothing new under the sun.

Caution! Narrow on the right...

The left has accused the right, especially the religious right, of being narrow-minded and focused on a few lightning-rod issues that they use as a litmus test for political candidates. They've also accused the religious right of co-opting the terms "family values" and "moral issues", using them as code words for their two big hot buttons of homosexuality and abortion (which, in their opinion, the right cannot see past.)

Now while the left is not at all immune from focusing on single issues (often the very same ones, just seen from the other side), and is full of fring-ey groups which certainly have their own set of litmus tests for politicians and which they apply, shall we say, religiously... they do raise a point which has troubled me more and more over the last 2+ years.

Why is it that, as Evangelicals, we are often every bit as narrowly focused as they say?

(note the use of we - I haven't left the camp, though I'm certainly out on the perimeter of it, looking around at things and thinking...)

We seem to focus on issues that relate to *individual* moral choices, rather than *collective* moral choices made by the community (be it society, government, the marketplace, etc.)

Why? Are the choices we make as groups of any less moral import?

We seem to focus on issues that impinge on a "traditional" definition of family (Dad, Mom, 2.3 kids, dog, white picket fence, suburbs...) and marriage (one man, one woman, for life, hearts and flowers, pipe and slippers, single breadwinner), even though these things are decidedly Western and Northern in flavor, and don't align with either urban post-modern or poor third-world or Eastern (Middle- or Far-) cultural realities.

Why? Do those definitions of marriage and family encompass the lives of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, or the Hebrews wandering the desert, or David, or Solomon, or Jesus, or Paul, or the Greek and Roman cultures in which he evangelised? Or are we really only interested in a North American pre-1960's marriage/family culture?

Are we that insular, that parochial? Are we that uncomfortable with people who disagree with us, and that disinterested in cultures different from ours?

Thinking back to the examples of both Jesus and Paul, there is ample teaching and precedent for us to be both open to and interested in mingling with those decidedly UNlike us, even hostile to us. Not to mention reaching out to those in the worst of conditions, regardless of the state of their hearts.

What's happened to change that? Why don't we reach out as God commanded?

What did Jesus say? Something about "what you do to the least of these, you do to Me"?

Moses, Isaiah, Jesus, James all talked about clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, tending the sick and imprisioned, as being tangible ways that we express our faith. And these are only some among many such social causes listed in Isaiah 58, which we often associate with Liberalism today.

Where is the Evangelical community on the long list of so-called "liberal issues", such as care for the environment, easing poverty and hunger, curing disease (esp. AIDS), restraining corporate greed and political corruption, giving the disenfranchised (of every stripe) a level playing field, and so on and so on?

Too often we are conspicuous in our absence, whether it's because we are hiding fearfully in our cloisters, working overtime manufacturing gospel literature, or carrying signs reminding everyone of what God hates.

I'm embarrassed sometimes to wear the Evangelical label, and am tempted to take off the red/white/blue logo-ed blazer altogether. (except that it's tradition, and goes so nicely with my white belt and deck shoes...)

And, if one happens to be (gasp!) a Calvinist, the predicament is even worse. Because, really - shouldn't the dyed-in-the-wool Calvinists be the most compassionate people on the face of the earth, to one and all, regardless of spiritual condition? Yet, we're not.

I mean, if you truly believe that salvation is a combination of God's sovereign unconditional election, His irresistable grace and ability to preserve His saints, why then... whom do we have to fear? Or convert, for that matter?

We can trust that God *will* save those he has marked ahead of time, and we can then indiscriminately shower His love and compassion on anybody and everybody without having to "target" people who might be salvation material, and avoid those who are obviously too hostile or contagious to attempt rescue.

We can simply love as God loves, and do as Jesus said: "love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?"

And dare I add, "do not even liberals do the same?"

So why don't we, who more than anyone understand the concepts of mercy and grace, exercise them toward others as God does to us, even when we are so terribly ungrateful and undeserving?

It's about time I got around to it myself.

Suffering for God's purpose?

This week's assignments in my online seminary class (NT102 Emergence of the Church) were the books of James and Galatians, both favorites of mine.

The book of Galatians has long been one in large part because of Paul’s unusual candor and the urgency with which he writes. He seems to drop all letter-writing convention and the niceties of personal interaction in a frenzied attempt to get his point across to the Galatians – and fast! It has much the same tone that I have found myself using when correcting some particularly foolish behavior in a child of mine. “Honestly! What were you thinking?” I might say. “Don’t you understand that you could have gotten hurt or killed? I can’t believe you did this! What friends were you with? Whose idea was it?” It’s that tone that Paul uses with the Galatians. He can’t believe that any child of his would be so foolish. It’s no wonder that his harshest criticism and most blunt language is reserved for those who were leading his “children in the faith”, as it were, astray.

But what is he so upset over? What is so great a threat to their faith? Nothing other than a teaching that, if true, would render his own faith in vain, not to mention all his work. Namely, that Christ’s sacrifice was for nothing. (2:21, 4:11)

Note: those of you not interested in the theological details... skip the next two paragraphs. :)

Some people, likely outsiders to the local churches, had come and were preaching the need for Gentiles to come under the requirements of the Torah to be saved, to become in essence Jewish proselytes – observant and under the law. And Paul’s harsh reaction to that is because it implies that the work of Christ is not, in and of itself, sufficient for salvation. And for the law to continue to be necessary, also implies that Christ did not in fact fulfill the law as He said He would. (Matt. 5:17-18) For if Christ fulfilled the law, as no other man could, then it no longer is a necessary means to communion with God, but Jesus Christ now stands in that place of atonement and reconciliation with God for us, and communion with God comes through Jesus. To add any requirement to that is to detract from the work of Christ, to render it incomplete and imperfect.

Carson & Moo, Thielman, and Polhill all go into depth on this issue, and cover essentially the same ground, including discussions of contemporary scholarship on Paul that emphasize the idea of “covenant nomism” rather than harsh Pharisaical legalism as the characteristic form of Judaism in Paul’s day. This school of thought on Paul does a better job of reconciling the OT’s emphasis on grace in His covenant relationship with Abraham & Israel to the grace now being shown to the Gentiles in the NT, and is consistent with Paul’s references to the Abrahamic covenant in 3:5-18. The law is seen not as a mechanism of salvation, but as a means of informing us of both our sin and our need for a Messiah to fulfill the law for us.

Whew! That was a lot to squeeze into two paragraphs. And there's almost as much in the next bunch, so if you want to just jump to the conclusion - skip three this time. :)

While this is all interesting, what gripped me personally the most about my reading of Galatians was not covered anywhere in the companion texts. Yet it points to Paul’s high view of God’s sovereignty in the exercise of His grace toward us. In Galatians 1:13-17, Paul is discussing his call to ministry and says several interesting things that I had not noticed before, or at least had not connected in the same way before this. One is that he was set apart by God for his ministry to the Gentiles “from the womb”. Another is that he was called (by revelation on the Damascus road) “when it pleased God” to do so. Putting these two together, it seems clear that God allowed Paul to be steeped in Pharisaical Judaism for years before being called, and even allowed Paul to spend time persecuting the church, which persecution presumably included sending believers to prison and death. He allowed Paul to make martyrs of His people for a time. Why?

Could not God have chosen to intervene in Paul’s life before he martyred God’s people? Imagine the impact that spending time with Jesus, while still in His earthly ministry, might have had on Paul. He could have been a secret follower of Christ as was Joseph of Arimathaea. And yet, God, always zealous for the glory of His name, had other things in mind. For in 1: 23-24, we see the result of Paul’s conversion coming when it did, after he persecuted the church. It resulted in glorifying God. And would it have resulted in that same degree of glory to God if God had not allowed Paul to establish his reputation as one who persecuted the church? Look at how many times Paul went back to that concept in his public testimonies and private correspondence. God definitely used the time of Paul persecuting the church to increase the wonder and praise given to Him as a result of Paul’s conversion, not to mention the added authenticity lent to Paul’s testimony before men.

While we know God does not do evil, or initiate it (James 1:13-15), He definitely allows it for His own purposes. And in this case it seems that He allowed Paul to be trained as a Pharisee, which, coupled with his naturally zealous personality (which God also gave him), resulted in harsh treatment of God’s people. So the suffering of God’s people under the hand of Paul was for a greater purpose than no doubt any of them could see. Certainly at the time Paul’s hand was striking, it could never be guessed that God’s purpose in their suffering was to exalt His name through the later conversion of he who was persecuting them.

So... the point?

This serves as a reminder to us that we can never really know the purposes behind our suffering, and it calls us to faith in God’s greater plan for both us, and others who may benefit because we suffered. This is faith – that God’s intentions for His people are always good, even if He permits our suffering to accomplish that good. It also proves in Paul’s own life (by both the suffering he caused others and, ironically, what he suffered for the Gospel himself) the thing that Paul so often stressed – that God is sovereign in the application of His grace, and we are not to question the hand of the potter in how he molds the clay – or even how he destroys it.

Let the author of this post pay attention.

A mistake?

Just as I thought the edge was dulling on the tension I felt at work, here comes more. PeBo is suggesting now that I should impose time tracking on my staff to see what they're doing all day. And my peers on PeBo's staff are suggesting that my people don't have the skills or desire needed to do their jobs, which would explain why they might be working on the wrong things. And after 6 months of working with them and observing, I think they're right. So our next staff meeting will be spent talking about how we can work around my folks to get things done faster!

And here I thought I had come here to be a consultant to my part of the company, build a staff of consultants to help them understand the financial impacts of their actions, and communicate it with the rest of the place. Instead, for the last several months we've been neck deep in reengineering the business process of handling data and reports, and it looks like for the *next* several months I'll be doing little else but trying to either retrain or get rid of my staff, most of which were handed to me by other managers, including my two bosses!

Somehow this is a different job than the one I was hired to do a year ago. Feels like a big mistake. But then, maybe all it's only what Solomon was talking about in Ecclesiastes 9:11, when he said: "... The race is not to the swift, Nor the battle to the strong, Nor bread to the wise, Nor riches to men of understanding, Nor favor to men of skill; But time and chance happen to them all."

At least time seems to be flying by. All the studying for grad school (or seminary - however you want to refer to it) is forcing me to concentrate on something else for a significant chunk of my spare time, so I don't dwell on the office overmuch. It's the 3rd week of class tonight. Already!

This week the topic was the run up of Saul's kingship, and all his boneheaded mistakes. What poor judgment! Or maybe they were mistakes, not of judgment, but of a rebellious heart. Or maybe they were motivated by personal greed or false pride or poor self-image. Or maybe they were results of a general carelessness caused by simply not taking God seriously. And as a consequence - he loses all he gained, and winds up worse off than before God called him.

Gee... I'm intimately familiar with all those types of mistakes. Does that mean I'm wired like Saul? I always thought I was wired more like David, or like Solomon. Hm. I wonder if they were INTJs/ENTJs. :)

Of course, David made all those same kinds of mistakes, too - and *he* was a man after God's own heart. While those mistakes cost him, the setbacks were temporary, and he continued to have God's favor. What was the difference? One obvious difference was that Saul was never broken in spirit before God like David was, crying out with all his heart for God's mercy. The one time Saul asked for God's forgiveness, it was so that he could continue to look good in the eyes of the people. That was never David's motivation - David's heart broke over his own wretchedness.

As does mine.

And like David, I know that God's mercy is my only hope and my greatest need, in this life - and the next.

Who is my neighbor?

Yesterday I finished watching an interview of U2's Bono by Bill Hybels of Willow Creek Church (Barrington Heights, IL). They were talking about the effects of poverty and the AIDS pandemic on Africa. It was fascinating on several levels, but one in particular, given a conversation I also had over coffee with someone about cell phone, internet and GPS technology. The sum of the two gave a new meaning to Jesus's parable of the Good Samaritan.

What's the connection?

It's this: the definition of "my neighbor" has changed in the last 20 years. And I almost missed it.

Willow Creek Church is a mega-church in an affluent Chicago suburb. They have leadership training programs for Evangelical (and other) pastors from all over the country. At a 2006 conference, which 70,000 pastors and church leaders attended, Hybels presented an interview he did with Bono to make these leaders aware of, as he put it, "the single greatest humanitarian challenge of our time." Bono is devoting his considerable star power (which he calls "currency") to make people aware of the need in Africa, and with the help of internet technology, he's succeeding.

See www.one.org for details.

At one point in the interview, Hybels asked Bono "why are the churches late to the party when it comes to helping?" One of the charges Bono leveled against the Evangelical church in particular was their tendency to take a "hands-off" approach to AIDS because of the moral implications of the disease. Maybe they have it coming, you know? Actions have consequences. But he used a powerful analogy to defuse this argument. Let's assume that you were the only car driving along a rural road and you come upon an accident. You stop and find the driver, alone, half out of the car, very seriously injured, smell a strong scent of alcohol, and see an empty whisky bottle on the seat. Do you say "tsk, tsk, he had it coming", and drive off, leaving him to suffer what were very likely the direct consequences of his actions? Of course not! You stop and help, you call 911, you stay there until someone comes. It doesn't matter if he was at fault - he needs help. So with the AIDS crisis. Those people need help, too.

In the parable of the Good Samaritan, Jesus expects us to help when we see our neighbor in need. But who is our neighbor? I always thought of it as "the people God sends across my path" or "people in need, who 1) I'm aware of, and 2) whose need I can actually do something about." Either way - when a person with a need crosses my field of vision, and I can do something - Jesus expects that I will. But, what if that someone is... waaaaaay over *there*? It's a big world out there, you know.

Well, guess what? The world is smaller than it used to be. This next example drove that point home.

A woman from my church was telling me over coffee how much she loves her GPS device in her car - wherever she is it will point her toward home. She raves about it to all her friends, and she never has to ask for directions. She told me that one time a friend of hers in Texas called her on her cell phone from her car, and begged her for help. She was lost, and needed directions and had no GPS device. Awww... :) Well, this lady sat down at her PC, pulled up Google maps, entered the friend's cross streets from where she was calling, and the destination address. She told her "I've got you! Drive straight for half a mile, then turn left and then take your next right..."

So, from 1500 miles away, thanks to cellular phone, internet and GPS mapping technology, one person could reach out and help another in need. Hi neighbor! Small world... If they both had the newest in video-capable phones, one could even see the other waving. ;)

Now, extend the example to YouTube, cellphones with video capability, instant transfer of information over email, instant transfer of funds via PayPal, anywhere in the world. All of a sudden, a poor local church in Uganda can work with a rich local church in Barrington Heights and can 1) let them see and hear, in near-real time, the faces and voices of children orphaned by AIDS, describe their needs in detail with an virtually instant email transmission, and receive from the rich church funds transferred electronically the same day.

NONE of this was possible 20 years ago, 15 years ago. Much of it has become possible only in the last 3-4 years. The world is shrinking before our eyes.

And all of a sudden...

who exactly IS my neighbor?

The Rabbi's Study

Note to all those faithful readers who are seeing a trend in this blog toward all things theological: you're right. Like any sensualist (hopefully in a positive sense, as in:),

http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=325730

I react to stimuli around me, until it becomes routine and I don't notice it anymore. But for the time being, since I'm pouring myself into this new grad school routine... it's definitely generating new stimuli. This, too, shall pass. :)

What hasn't passed is a long-standing romantic notion that I would love to be a Rabbi. Not in a pastoral sense - I don't have a shepherd's heart. Dumb sheep. Fend for yourselves. :) But I do have a teacher's heart. Give me eager faces, willing minds, and I'll gladly impart what I know (and even make up some stuff I don't know, right on the spot!)

The picture at the top is of one of the shelves in my study (read: 3rd bedroom that is not set aside for the kids when they come visit.) There's the replica of the Ark of the Covenant, the shofar which I blow at the holy days (and now and then to scare a small child), the books of Josephus, and Edersheim's classic treatise, plus a variety of devotional and topical books... just a small sampling of the haphazard mingling of content and clutter that is my space.

I have been so nervous about this grad school thing - am I over my head with all these scholars? But last night in class, I got my second "atta boy" from the prof. :) We were going through the text and commentaries, and I remembered an insight I picked up during study earlier this week about something in I Samuel 4 vis-a-vis a reference the professor made to ch. 3.

I cleared my throat and dove in, and the prof made me repeat myself - twice! I was nervous and thought he was going to criticize me for having such a dumb idea, but he said with a tone of wonder: "I've never seen that before! All the years of studying this book and it never occurred to me... how do you spell your last name again? You are getting credit in a footnote in the commentary I'm writing on this. Remarkable..." he said, shaking his head.

Woohoo! I felt so much better after that about fitting in to the class (and the program) here. Me, a footnote in a commentary after only my second class! Maybe he meant it was remarkable that an insight like that would come from such an uneducated rube as me. :)

Mmmm, I can hear it now: "Excuse me Rabbi, can you tell me... is there a proper blessing for the government?" And all of you who have seen "Fiddler On The Roof" know the answer to that one. :)

A Benevolent God?

Last fall, a USA Today Survey showed that one's view of God influences their political leanings and ideology more than any other factor, including party affiliation or even denominational one.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2006-09-11-religion-survey_x.htm?csp=34

The views are titled A, B, C and D, standing for Authoritarian, Benevolent, Critical and Distant. The third one is a little confusing. It's not actively critical, as in identifying and intervening into unacceptable behhavior, but more like an art or literary or drama or music critic - observing human behavior (and having known opinions), just passively. But it makes for a nice C-word to continue the labeling scheme. :)

I remember having discussions with people about this article when it came out, including one person whose view of God was "some of both of the first two" - Authoritarian and Benevolent. That person happened to be Catholic, and since then I've talked to other Catholics who seem to see things the same way. Not coming from that background, I don't follow how this comes about, but it seems to be even within the Trinity itself that this dichotomy exists.

This week, at seminary, there was a guest speaker who came in to talk with "the kids" (read the students - most of whom are north of 35...) on the occasion of a new quarter starting. She spent some time talking about her Catholic upbringing, and put it this way: "I was scared of God The Father, always feeling He was angry with me. He never seemed either loving or approachable. Jesus on the other hand was always approachable, loving and merciful. I had no problem praying to Him, meditating on His words. The Holy Spirit? He was just smoke and mirrors to me. Mostly smoke. You know, all that incense and so forth. He was in there somewhere, in that smoke, that much I knew." It was kind of humorous to listen to her, but I knew hers wasn't an isolated experience. Others have said similar things. Hm.

Me, I'm squarely in the B camp. I get my idea of an essentially benevolent God the Father, one characterized by lovingkindness and mercy (yet not without concern for satisfying the needs of justice), from both Old Testament AND the New. Even in the Torah, in the books of the law, it's clear how God describes himself to Moses, here in Exodus 34:6-7, from the NKJV:

And the LORD passed before him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abounding in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and the fourth generation.”

This Sunday the key verse for the day in church was Titus 3:4-7, which is, interestingly, also one of the few passages in Scripture that explicitly gives us a look at the concept of the Trinity, here from the NIV:

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

The kindness and love of God (the Father) is poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ (the Son), by the Holy Spirit (who facilitates the rebirth and renewal that happens with that forgiveness). Even the demands of justice were also satisfied through the death of Jesus, which God the Father ordained - for our benefit. Sure sounds benevolent to me (benevolent toward mankind, anyway). And I didn't have to do a darned thing to merit that benevolence; couldn't, even if I wanted to. It's all by His grace.

Reminds me of a little song I sang for years at Bible camp. (Not the Jesus Camp of the recent film with the same title, by the way - nothing nearly that militant). It went like this:



He paid a debt he did not owe.
I owed a debt I could not pay.
I needed someone to wash my sins away.

doo bee doo bee doo
(yes, we really sang that part)

And now I sing a brand new song:
"Amazing Grace", the whole day long.
Christ Jesus paid the debt that I could never pay.


So...

what?

Well, a lot, that's what! It's the main reason I go through life making mistakes and failing routinely, but don't get crippled by guilt. God knows I'm not worthy of forgiveness, not even close. But I don't have to be, either. He's merciful and gracious. He forgives, not because of who I am, but because of who He is.

Hang the sense of it

Wrapping up the last of my Sr. High class on Wisdom this weekend and next, I've had a heightened awareness of ancient wisdom showing up in modern culture. The latest example of this was last night, sitting on the couch, eating pizza (meat lovers... mmmm), and watching "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Not exactly where you'd expect to see wisdom show up. It's a fun movie, so very droll and British. Plus, yet another example of a rapper turned movie actor, this time "Mos Def". They all seem, to a person, very approachable on screen, and quite unlike their persona on the rap stage. That would make a good feature article in People or even Time...

Now where was I?

Oh. Right. There's this scene where Arthur Dent, the male lead, the clueless and cowardly rural Brit, is being given a tour of the universe's "factory floor" by some guy who helps build planets to spec for whoever it is that orders these things. Oh, yeah - it's mice. That's right. Mice run the universe. Well, anyway, our hero is trying to make sense of all this, and the planet builder guy says to him:

"The chances of finding out what's really going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is say 'Hang the sense of it!' and keep yourself busy. Besides, I'd rather be happy than right, wouldn't you?"

Gosh, that sounds like Ecclesiastes to me, especially chapter 3:11-12 and 5:18-20, which are kind of the "don't worry, be happy" passages of the Old Testament, just as Matthew 6:25-34 are the New Testament's version of the same. I love to see ancient wisdom sprinkled, even haphazardly, into pop culture. It's a testimony to the staying power of a really good concept. And it should endure, right? It's God's concept, after all.

Ha - and you thought it was original with Bobby McFerrin.

Hit the books, boy...

Reading, reading, reading...

3 hours a night so far and nowhere near done with this week's assignments yet. Oof. It's been a while since I've read dense material like this, not to mention reading other than for recreation.

Some of the commentaries on and scholarly treatments of these sections of the Bible have stuff in them that I would put in the category of "angels dancing on the head of a pin" - nits to pick. What difference does it really make if Paul got his orientation to Pharisee-ism at home in Tarsus or under Gamaliel's teaching in Jerusalem. He eventually repudiated it, so... who cares? But scholars love to debate this stuff. Oy Gevalt! God forbid I should be that kind of scholar!

On the other hand, some of the information is pretty interesting, like the Greek authors Paul quotes from in his arguments, and the military structures, politial systems, or the sporting events of the day which Paul often uses as examples and analogies. That stuff I like, and find interesting and useful to add texture to what he taught. Hopefully there will be enough of the latter to keep me reading faithfully, because the course outcome appears to be dependent on it. I repeat... oof!

First on site class tomorrow night, plus an orientation & welcome dinner. I'm nervous and excited, and determined not to think at all about fitting in. Not me. :) But, what should I wear? ;)

Goodness of fit test

Well, that was... not what I expected.

Yesterday I had the heart-heart talk with PeBo (see post of 12/15/06) about his expectations and my ability to deliver on them, as well as my fit for the role, etc.

What I expected was to be out on my keyster, with a foot imprint on it to boot.

What I got was an active listener (too active - I had to constantly steer him back to my prepared script!), with some genuine concern for my welfare. :)

When I talked about my Meyers-Briggs profile (INTJ/ENTJ), the jobs I have found to be a good fit in the past (advisor/strategist), the difference between a thinker (me) and a do-er (him), and the difference between a Nehemiah (what he wants) and an Ezra (what he's got - see post of 12/03/06), it made sense to him. And finally, when I told him I had signed up for grad school at a seminary, the light bulb really went on. In fact, he stopped the conversation and said "oh, my - a light bulb just went on! I get it now."

He offered to talk to Rug next week and see if there were other work options for me around here that might play more to my passions (principle, concept, strategy, planning, motivating, teaching, writing, performing.) We even brainstormed a few, one of which was to craft a role as leader of an effort to coordinate all the actuarial and financial training around the company. That has a certain appeal.

Now, I don't expect that something like that will just fall out of the sky in the next 2 weeks, but I do think I worried for nothing (which is normal for me), since he seemed to genuinely have my best interests at heart, and saw that there were other ways that I could contribute around here and have a better fit with my style, personality, interests.

I'm hopeful coming into the new year, that 2007 will be a better year than 2006, both work wise and personally.

Christmases, City and Rural

Christmas in the city is busy, bustling, exciting. People are a little happier than usual, a tad more friendly, but also more harried - they just carry it well. The city takes on a festive glow, the window lights softening the glare of streetlights and neon shop signs. It's business as usual, though - *more* than usual in some sectors, with part-timers brought on to handle the press of business at the holidays. The carols can be heartfelt, but they can also mean the difference between breaking even and a decent profit for the year. Parties are in full swing, the bar/restaurants are booked solid with groups of co-workers having some holiday cheer. It's busy, no doubt about it. When I hear this song, I can picture the scene:

Christmas makes you feel emotional
It may bring parties or thoughts devotional
Whatever happens or what may be,
Here is what Christmas time means to me.

City sidewalk, busy sidewalks
dressed in holiday style.
In the air there's
a feeling of Christmas.

Children laughing, people passing,
meeting smile after smile,
And on every street corner you'll hear:

Silver bells, silver bells,
It's Christmas time in the city.
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring,
soon it will be Christmas day.

City street lights,
even stop lights,
blink a bright red and green,
As the shoppers rush home
with their treasures.

Hear the snow crunch,
see the kids bunch,
This is Santa's big scene,
And above all this bustle you'll hear:

Silver bells, silver bells,
It's Christmas time in the city.
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring,
soon it will be Christmas day.

But in the country... it's different. The rookie cop pulls patrol on Christmas day, the fire house is down to a skeleton crew. The quick marts and gas stations are closed up along with the coffee shop and the shoe repair place. People are still nice, yes, but no more than they are all year 'round. It comes with the territory around here. But they're harder to find - they're home with family, eating, drinking, playing Sheepshead or Pinochle or Euchre, drinking some more, and watching football on TV. Or... they're at church.

Last night after checking on the dog I drove from the cabin on the lake into town for the Christmas Eve candlelight service, and the little country church that I pass on the way had a parking lot full of cars. I'd never seen more than one there before this, but with the parking lot full, the church lit from within, and the light shining *out* through the stained glass, it seemed so warm and cozy - and quiet. You could almost hear the assembled multitude of friends, neighbors and extended families, all singing "Silent Night" acapella. Driving by, you got the feeling that this was the time of year where the stained glass wasn't for those inside the church, like it is on a Sunday morning - but for those passing by on a dark night, with no church of their own, no anchor for the season.

Still others are at the tavern with *their* extended "family" of fellow revelers, lifting their spirits a bit differently. The jukebox plays "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" to a rousing singalong on the chorus, good for a few knowing yuks afterwards. People know that songs like this fit them, here where snowmobiles run in the ditches beside the country two-lanes or cut across the fields marked as available for such cross-country transit. The comraderie is as vibrant, if not as focused on inner joy and the life to come. There are simpler pleasures out here where the deer and dogs run free but the rusting trucks in the backyard don't. The outside lighting displays are less the latest trend from Macy's (or even Target), and more from the traditions of the previous generation and what the new one has added slowly and respectfully over the years. There's less focus on change and more on continuity - of yard lights, and of family rituals.

So what's the right song for a rural Christmas? Maybe some combination of "White Christmas", "I'll Be Home For Christmas", and "The Christmas Song", all of which talk about things from our past that we want to remember - warm, happy, home-centric memories. But I like this one - I can see the country lane and the meadow and the snowman, can't you?

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,

in the lane, snow is glistening.

A beautiful sight,we're happy tonight,

walking in a winter wonderland.

Gone away is the bluebird,

here to stay is a new bird

He sings a love song,as we go along,

walking in a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,

Then pretend that he is Parson Brown

He'll say: Are you married? we'll say: No man,

But you can do the job when you're in town.

Later on, we'll conspire,

as we dream by the fire

To face unafraid,the plans that we've made,

walking in a winter wonderland.

It snowed a couple of days ago, and everything got covered in whiteness and a clean beauty. Waking up yesterday morning ago to snow covered branches and a glaze of ice on the lake, birds at the feeder, fire in the hearth... there's a lot to be said for Christmas way out here in the country.

Rocky Redux

After driving around looking at lights last night (such as they are in this little burg up north), J2 and I headed to the movie theatre to see "Rocky Balboa". A nice little outing for father and son.

The movie was a bit introspective (maybe that's Stallone as filmmaker looking at himself, who knows), but the fight scenes were still great, and we both liked the symmetry of the movie vis-a-vis the entire series. It closed a loop, sort of ended where it began.

And it was remarkable how in shape the guy was. He has the sagging skin of a 60 year old (I'm beginning to relate) but underneath that lack of youthful tautness, he was *built*, with enormous arms. Very little fat on the belly, although he was barrel-chested (as one gets over time, despite the best intentions.) The years were evident, but so was the remaining power.

I suppose it's romantic, sentimental, and even a little maudlin to insert oneself into the plot line. And who better than me to do such a thing? ;) One of the things Rocky said was that he still had "stuff inside" that needed to come out - he wasn't done yet - but had no way to express it. Hm. I liked that he found a way to flame out, and not sputter (see last pic in post of 11/28). You know, "old guy does good", that kind of thing.

I still have stuff inside, too, that needs to come out. I'm not done yet, either. So all I need, I guess, is a metaphorical ring to step into. Still looking for the right venue...

Home For Christmas?

I'm dreaming tonight of a place I love
even more than I usually do.
And though I know it's a long road back
I promise you

I'll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents 'round the tree.

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love-light gleams;
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams



I'm not sure about being "home for Christmas" this year - even if it's only in my dreams.

Where is home for me, again? Someone refresh my memory, please - I've forgotten. Show me where home is, would you? I'd like to go there right about now. I'm pretty sure I'll know it when I see it.

Oh boy, a heart to heart!

What did I just get myself into?

Just had my usual 1 on 1 with Pebo in which I told him what I was working on, and then he recapped how he thought things were going.

Following several well-placed criticisms of my staff (like I'm not already painfully aware of these things...) he did wrap up by saying that he and Rug agree that they are seeing much better behaviors from me, which I take to mean more evidence of being engaged, which is in turn derived from delivering more work products, or at least having a plan for same. So that's positive, I guess. I'm not sure I'm doing anything differently, though - it's just that stuff we've had in the queue for a while is getting finished. Hm.

Well, anyway, he had asked the time before how he could help me. I was prepared today to ask for a couple of things. First, could he be less directive and less blunt, more congenial? I had concrete examples that seemed to ring bells with him. So, maybe that will help me feel less intimidated, I don't know. Second, could we take some time after Christmas (we're both in the office between then and New Year's) to have a non-project related discussion about my personality type, work style and fit with his expectations for this current assignment I'm in.

He even agreed to do a little pre-reading for it! He loves to hand out things to read, and I will no doubt wow him by my comprehension of the latest business book he's given to all of us to read, "The Goal" by Eliyahu M. Goldratt. But I think he'll be surprised by my reaction to it - emotional, not intellectual. The intellectual conclusion of the book was obvious. The emotional impact unexpected. (that seems to be my pattern these days - unexpected emotional reactions to things)

So, he's going to read before the 27th some descriptions I gave him of the INTJ/ENTJ personality types (which I fluctuate between - depending on who I'm with and what I'm doing), and will also read the two short Biblical books of Ezra and Nehemiah, so I can relate to him the analogy I laid out in a prior post.

Boy, oh boy. This conversation should be a real corker. Pass the kleenex. Wish I was the one driving across the country with the dog for Christmas. I'd welcome the drive back alone to think and rehearse what I'll say. Instead I fly in and out - and talking to myself out loud on the airplane doesn't usually make the people around me very comfortable. Hope I can distract myself over the holidays and not dwell on this upcoming talk. At least it's scheduled for end of day, so that I can go home afterwards and perspire & shake in private. :)

Conflicting (or converging) Advice?

People are aware of both my job situation and my enrolling in grad school, and I'm getting two consistent streams of advice and counsel these days.

One thread is basically: "Bloom where you're planted. Buckle down and work hard. Give 100% - a day's work for a day's pay. Develop a good reputation. Trust in God and He will deliver you at the right time. Don't try to weasel out of a tough situation - learn whatever lesson is there for you to learn."

The other thread is more like: "Connect with your passions. Use the time you have left to make the biggest impact on those around you, leave a positive legacy behind you. It's never too late to change direction. This is the time of life where you can be free again to grow and change for the better. As long as you're energetic and healthy - follow your heart, trust God for the rest. What is your security in, anyway? Money isn't everything, you know."

So... is one thread of advice right and the other wrong?

Or, can I apply both at the same time somehow? Maybe so - I think the next 3-4 months will tell the tale. A quarter's worth of grad school, at the same time trying to improve things at work, looking at other career options in the meantime... who knows? Maybe I can learn something about myself and life while exploring a new direction for my remaining productive years, be that 5, 15, 25, or 50. Who knows how long?

Like Gandalf says to Frodo, when Frodo wishes out loud to be rid of his burden - wishes "that none of this had happened." Gandalf says to him: "So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

Neither is it for me to decide how much productive time I have left. But what do I do with what I've been given? *How* do I spend it?

Nehemiah I'm not

Lately the sermons at church have been dovetailing with my personal life. And, while that's good, it's also unsettling! Especially so when it's work-related. As frustrating as that has been lately, I've tried to let it stay at the office when I leave, but now even the pastors won't let me!!! :) Hmmm. Ok, maybe it's not them that's pestering me. Maybe it's the One for whom they work.

So on Friday I'm sitting in PeBo's office for my weekly one-on-one with him, trying to keep the hair on the back of my neck down. He is blunt and directive from the start, which puts me immediately on edge, as if I weren't anxious enough already. But, the conversation actually goes pretty well and he ends by saying "I have no issues with you."

!!

How am I supposed to react to that? It almost felt like I was supposed to look at my shoes and say "thank you, kind sir." So I didn't say anything. Then he says: "how are WE doing, you and me?" and I sort of choke. That kind of question is way too multi-faceted to respond to without some thought, so as I'm thinking and looking at the window, he looks at his watch and says "well, you think about it. When we meet next I'd like you to tell me what I can do for you, tell me how I can help you."

Okay, then. Um... at least I have a chance to think about that for a another week. But what do I say? I do want to hang on to this job for a while...

So today I'm listening to the sermon and it seems sort of irrelevant (he was talking about expressing anger - although come to think of it, maybe it's not all *that* irrelevant), until the pastor uses Nehemiah as an example of how to deal with anger well. Then, my head starts to fill with ideas. Not about anger, but about Nehemiah, his contemporary, Ezra, and an analogy that might just fit...

A couple of weeks ago a department head in another area of the company told me "this company has a strong culture of rewarding people who get things done." Do-ers, in other words. Not thinkers, not persuaders, but do-ers.

I think that's what PeBo wants. A do-er. A take-charge guy who will take the long list of things PeBo wants done and do what it takes to make them happen. Seems to me that I am much more a thinker and a persuader than a doer. My most successful career role has been in positions that require intuitive thinking and persuading about what should happen next. I look for patterns in things and try to connect dots, connect ideas, explain why things are the way they are, and then persuade others to see the same thing, and then act on it. I connect people who are thinking similarly, or who need each other to avoid working on the same thing in parallel but at cross purposes.

What came to mind this morning is the difference between Nehemiah and Ezra. Both were involved in the rebuilding of Jerusalem after the Jews' Babylonian exile. But their roles were very different (though complementary) and their reactions to short-sighted behavior very different (though both effective.) If you read the OT books that bear their names, you get a composite picture.

Nehemiah was the skilled administrator and led by command. He was directive and unyielding in his approach to getting things done. He was critical when he needed to be, and gave pats on the back when appropriate. He lined up his resources, prepared a plan, executed it to a T. He lacked much compassion for failure, and harangued people to do what was necessary to accomplish what he knew was right.

Ezra was the visionary and teacher, who led by appealing to principle. He called the people to take the right path, explained to them what it was, and was broken-hearted over failure, publicly abasing himself as an example, taking their shame on himself. He appealed to their better nature, called them to a higher standard, motivated people not with a plan but with a vision and purpose.

PeBo wants a Nehemiah. I think I'm an Ezra.