Waiting (updated)

No more waiting!! Yay!

The telecommuting offer is still good, and hard copy of the offer is en route.. plus the little company in Southern WI called.. they want me to visit. More later, after I enjoy my Sicilian barley soup and ratatouille salad.. :) (oh yeah, watermelon for dessert.)

There. Much better. :)

The ratatouille salad was marvelous! And colorful. :) (photo suitable for enlarging - just click)


Eggplant, green and yellow zucchini, orange and white bell peppers all coated with olive oil and baked until browned and soft. Then, tossed with feta & parmesan cheese and grape tomatoes and balsamic vinegar. Wow. Really good.

And the soup - mmmm. Maybe a little too much black pepper (when they say "to taste" - I just dump some in).. but some people would think there wasn't enough. Anyway, it was pretty, and good. Never got time to grill the sweet Italian sausage, though. Too many phone calls at 5 and 5:30. But, good phone calls! And hey - a vegetarian meal now and then isn't a bad thing. ;)

Okay. The latest. A hard offer to telecommute should be in hand by the weekend. Start date 9/17. Decent terms. So.. I called the grad school and cancelled the on-campus apartment. Whew! I wasn't looking forward to that. :( And now I can sign up for RCIA classes in fall, too, as it looks pretty likely I'll be here.

But no ordering the lawn service to fertilize for fall, and no ordering window treatments upper and lower, and no further unpacking in the basement until the little company in Southern WI has their say. There's one last thing to rule out - or accept - before any more is committed to at this house. But that will certainly be settled before 9/17, and before grad school classes start on 9/24.

Their HR guy is setting up a trip and interview itinerary, while the HR gal from the KC company is inquiring into the details of needed computer and office equipment at the house here. Still spinning multiple plates, but.. only two. :) And on only one path: transitioning to teaching, yes. But gradually, and with less debt.

(sigh) Good.

Good. Good.

I'm ready to work again. And study - systematic theology I, II, and III. :)




*****venting from earlier in the day*****

This is driving me crazy! :(

Grad school housing is calling, asking: when are you going to pick up your keys? Move in to the apartment?

I DON"T KNOW!!! (sorry for shouting..)

It's like singing tenor in choir. I just want to resolve this last suspended chord, you know? It's been sustained so long waiting for the Director to direct the ending! When will He wave the baton? I keep drawing little catch breaths to be able to keep singing, but...

At least I have mid-terms to grade, and ratatouille salad to prepare for tonight. SOMEthing!

A debtor to grace

We sang "Come Thou Fount" Sunday morning. Best part of the service.

The verse of that hymn that always grips me is this:

O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

Even with a heart that's prone to wander from God, and wander from people I love, somehow God's grace overcomes that wanderlust, that tendency to drift. It redeems bad circumstances and even bad choices to produce good in and though me.

Some of you must get tired of hearing me bemoan my shortcomings and failings. It must seem to you that I dwell on them to the point where I begin to wear them like battle scars, badges of honor.

That's not it, really. It's just that the list of faults is so very long and pervasive, it's overwhelming to me on almost a daily basis, especially when juxtaposed against God's mercy and grace. Thinking about my uselessness to God and others tends to make me keenly aware of the amazing-ness of God's grace toward me, that grace which makes something good out of.. very little good.

In 2 Corinthians 12 Paul seemed to be bragging about his long list of weaknesses, too. Even when he pleaded with God to give him some relief from one of his trials, God said no - but kept him in suffering mode. He says: "But He said to me, 'My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, My power is made perfect in you.' So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ's power can live in me."

I'm amazed at the mercy of God, His unconditional love, and the kind extention of His grace toward me - for no good reason other than.. He chooses to give it.

Again from Paul in Ephesians 2: "But God's mercy is great, and he loved us very much. Though we were spiritually dead because of the things we did against God, he gave us new life with Christ. You have been saved by God's grace."

The more amazed I am at His mercy and grace toward me.. the more I can show mercy and grace to others who need it.

You're *how* old? No way...

Yes, way!



I found myself having this internal conversation this morning as I was washing up:

> Look at you. You're 51 years old.

~ I am not.

> Are too.

~ No way! I don't care what it looks like on the outside. On the inside I'm not even 30 yet!

> You are so full of it. Why can't you accept this? You are *not* in your twenties anymore.

~ Yeah, but even the mirror should tell you that I'm in nearly the best shape of my life, except for that brief window in college..

> You looked verrrrry different in college.

~ Okay.. I was scrawny then. I'm more muscular now: I can chin myself for the first time ever. And so my hair is distributed a little differently. ;) So what? I can run faster and longer now than I could in high school! Did you check my mile run time yesterday?

> You mean you can't see any "other" changes that have happened since college?

~ Sure I can! But.. you're implying they're all bad! Some are really good changes. The wrinkles by the eyes, for instance. ;)

> Oh, right. Except the eyes don't focus like they used to, do they?

~ Hey. Lots of people need glasses - even when they're young. Gosh-o-Pete, dipstick! Where's your sense of humor?? :) Remember Sinatra's "Man in the Looking Glass" from his "September of My Years"?

> He *had* to sing that one, stupid, just for some comic relief! Otherwise he would have cried through the whole "getting old" album. I think you're fooling yourself, knothead. Your body isn't the same, and what's more.. you are different inside, too. C'mon.. admit it..

~ Oh, dry up! Killjoy.. Give me a sec to think of a snappy comeback.

> Take your time. I know you don't think as fast as you used to..

~ &$*% $#^!

> Hm. Maybe you are still a child.

~ Alright, how about my increased vitality vis-a-vis my 40's? Clearer recognition of my limits vis-a-vis my 30's? And the increased softness of the heart vis-a-vis my 20's?

> Wellll.. you're softer all right. I don't have to remind you of where. Take your pick.




At this point, we *both* took a time out, and I started to think about how it is that you change.. without changing. It may be mostly in how you view life differently, how you react to life differently, from a vantage point of 30 years later.

I think that in my twenties I looked at life as an onrushing tide. It just kept coming, and I was still learning how to swim. Metaphorically, of course. I still can't swim in real life. Hm. Maybe there's a connection..

Anyway, I was focused then on trying to be what I thought an adult should be, handling my responsibilities, trying to function without a lot of help from others, trying to get ahead a little bit, save some money, get a car that would stop breaking down all the time, buy a decent recliner instead of that grungy Salvation Army thing I had in college. You know, just.. grow up. :)

And adult life was all new, and different, and unpredictable - with no parental buffer to shield me from the hardness of it. I sort of stood there fascinated by it, but helpless to stop it, and so.. just dove in and tried to swim, with an attitude of "C'mon, life.. let's go! I might as well see what you're all about. No sense just standing here. Show me what you've got."

Now, after seeing almost everything life has to offer, good and bad, sometimes two, three, nine or fourteen times over.. I don't embrace the onrushing tide as much, even though it does still keep on coming - it doesn't stop. But I kind of want to get up on the dock more often and just try to observe it, pull together those observations, and ... make sense of it! :)

I want to *understand* life now. Back then I just wanted to live it and get on with the process of mastering adulthood. Now I want to know WHY things are the way they are. Then I just wanted to do it the way you were supposed to. Now I want to know if what I *thought* was correct.. really is. Are there alternatives to how I lived that I didn't consider, but might have? And possibly.. still can?

It's not so much "am I doing this the right way or the wrong way?" as it is "have I made a positive difference to anyone? Can I still?" At this age, I wonder *why* I'm doing what I'm doing, and what really matters? Back in the day, I was pretty much already convinced of what really mattered, even though I hadn't yet lived it to know for myself. But, I sure set out to try.

So yeah.. I'm different inside *and* out. I've changed.

But.. for the worse? Or for the better?

Would I go back to my twenties and live them again? Noooo. No way. Not unless I could take my current mind (and heart) back with me. The current body.. oh.. I guess you can keep it. I'll, um... grow into it again later. :)

In the meantime it's time for some strength training. They say you lose muscle as you age. But hey.. not if I can help it!

Back into the kitchen

two days ago.. to make lentil soup. :) mmmm...

So it's summer, so it's *soup* in the summer, so what? I'm the cook right now, and I can make what I want, when I want. :P And I wanted soup. So there.

I was surprised how fast lentils cook! I thought they'd take forever, like pinto beans do. Nope! They just plumped right up in about half an hour. I made a double batch and had to improvise a little when I didn't have enough tomato sauce. So... tomato paste is about the same thing, right? Just add some extra water, right? And the beef broth I used was a concentrate, which the recipe didn't call for, but it's the same stuff, right? Just some extra water, right?

A *lot* of extra water.

But mmm.. throw in some extra cut up bratwurst that I had grilled for my lunch.. nice. Real nice. Fresh beans from the market, and.. a healthy & hearty dinner. And the rest of the soup.. in the freezer! :)

I was a little nervous about the onion-chopping part. But I didn't tear up for those any more than I do for no good reason at all, so.. I guess I can handle a little onion. ;) Easier to handle than the rest of my life. :)

Yesterday, some marinated chicken breasts (lemon and garlic), grill them out with sweet corn, some early season baby watermelon.. mmm, yeah. Today, fish (it's Friday), with lemony snowpeas. :)

And back to onion-chopping Saturday, too. Lots of onions. Plus carrot chopping, celery chopping, mushroom chopping, thyme and parsley chopping, etc. I'm going to try my hand at making some vegetarian soup stock from a mediterranean cookbook I laid my hands on recently. Most will go into the freezer for future use in other soup recipes from the book. There's a Moroccan carrot soup recipe in there that sounds just oooh, de-lish. Then there's Sicilian barley, tomato fennel, minestrone, lentil & escarole.. I could go on and on.

But soon, I hope, I'll have to go back to work and to school and let cooking become a newfound hobby instead of a quasi-occupation several days a week. It sure has been fun! Beats grading papers any day. :( Which I have to get to today, too. Grades are due from my just-ended Monday class.

Wish I could get some resolution on the job front. Talked to the small company in Southern WI yesterday. They have been interviewing others, and are at the point now where they will decide what to do. The HR guy is supposed to call today..

Then I had my arm twisted last night on the phone by the hiring manager from KC on the telecommuter job. He wants pretty badly to make it a job in KC - needs a successor. Offered an extra $15K and a better bonus, more vacation, full relo program. He was very disappointed when I said that money and position isn't the issue at this point (couldn't believe my own ears! Is that me talking?) - what matters is making a solid contribution, enjoying what I'm doing, and having my family affairs in a good place. To me the telecommuting job does that. He was disappointed.. and who knows? I may have lost the telecommuter offer, too. :(

Until these things resolve, I wait. And cook.

At least it's been cool enough to start running in the morning again, so I can run off all of this stuff I'm cooking! One mile loop yesterday and today. I could tell it's been a while. Oof. :(

Missing pieces

"When you love something, every time a bit of it goes..
you lose a piece of yourself."

----- Jodie Foster in "The Brave One"


And the greater the love you have for what goes away, the bigger the piece of yourself you lose. The point isn't whether you *should* have loved the person or thing.. just that you did. And if many people or things leave .. one right after another .. you lose a *lot* of yourself.

You have to work with what you have left. And the people you know may not recognize what's left of you - you don't seem the same to them. That's because you're not. Some of what they knew of you is gone, and they see you compensating for that loss with what remains, plus what you slowly add to yourself to make up for the loss. You change - and they see it. But they don't know all the reasons why.

Since the end of 1999, many things I loved, for right or wrong, and some people I loved, have gone away. And some of the new that I've added (for right or wrong) - have also left, have come and gone. I've gained (for a while).. and lost again. I really haven't gotten used to what I'm missing and all the new parts yet. The changes (some gains, mostly losses) have just kept coming - too fast to adjust well. It's like swapping out styles of artificial limbs before you really learn how to use them. It'd be good if everything just got stable for a while, and I could gain some self-mastery again - this time over the revised me.

I'll never be the same as I was - the losses are too big. But maybe the new version will be an acceptable susbtitute for people. I'll certainly have to learn to accept it, won't I?

Can you have faith... (part last - I think)

...and still doubt?

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (NIV)

This just happened to be the reading from the epistles Saturday at Mass. It was about the best part of the service, but the quality of the service notwithstanding... I still heard something I needed to hear. :)

Being sure? Being certain? Sounds like... having firm conviction, complete confidence, without any doubt. But - being sure of what is only in the *hope* category at this stage? Being certain... of what I can't see in front of me?

Man, this is not easy.

Didn't sincere men of God doubt at times? Job doubted the goodness of God's intentions toward him, David doubted God's desire to rescue him from his enemies. Neither doubted His ability... they doubted his motives! Their doubt was an assault on His character!

Peter, the man Jesus used to anchor the building of His church, doubted a lot. He was mostly fearful of circumstances around him (wind, waves, poverty, perception, persecution, ridicule), but what he really doubted was God's ability to transcend those circumstances on his behalf.

Yet they were all known as men of faith and devotion to God, men who had God's favor and blessing.

When did they doubt? Not when things were going well. They doubted when under duress, when in crisis, when in deprivation, when in fear of the future.

So there you go. Me, too.

Suffering, problems, trials... even "faith heroes" doubt God under those circumstances. But as we get through those times of doubt and trouble, our character develops, our hope in God is strengthened, our faith in His love toward us is made sure.

Romans 5:3-5 says:

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

So, I guess I won't feel bad about my doubts - nor about expressing them, here or anywhere else. After all... I'm in good company. :)

And, under good care. Even while doubting the One who cares for me.

Can you have faith... (part 2)

...without a need?

I'm reading this book on the will of God, in which the author argues that God's *specific* will for an individual is only revealed as life moves along, one door, one turn at a time - visible in its entirety only in hindsight. It's a good book, and makes me feel less anxiety about missing His willl by not making "the correct decision" right now on job, school, location. He argues that, when we look back on life, we will see that we *have* followed God's will for us, though we didn't explicitly choose it every time we had a choice to make - He just worked it out for us. :)

But he also says that for us to exercise faith at all, we must have a need - a need that we will admit we can't meet without outside help. It's a precondition for exercising faith. He says:

"Faith acknowledges need. Self-possessed people do not feel the need to live by faith because they are confident in themselves and their own human powers. In my mind such confidence is vain and foolish, for people are by nature dependent - on the natural world for food, air, water, and heat; on the social world for education, support, and love; and on the spiritual world for forgiveness, meaning and purpose. Evelyn Underhill comments on this dependence: 'I cannot by myself handle and purify the confusing energy of my half-evolved nature. I cannot really keep my resolutions, really govern my desires, set my life in order, cleanse my memory of all self-pity and all resentments, or kill self-love, self-interest, and self-will by myself. I acknowledge my need of help far beyond myself.' "

-----Jerry Sittser, "The Will of God as a Way of Life"



Need? Oh, yeah. That I have. Only some of which is material. Much is emotional and spiritual. Yup. Lots of need all right. But faith? That's not in such great supply. And yet I know that I don't need much faith, just a little will do. It's the *object* of my faith that matters, not the amount of my faith. So I regularly cry out (with the father in Mark 9:24, whose child was ill): "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"



How about you, dear reader? Do you have (and admit to) needs in your life that you can't meet by yourself?

If you don't, how can you exercise faith in *anything* (anything other than yourself, that is)? Do you believe instead in your own sufficiency for handling whatever comes your way without help (including some overwhelming situation you have not yet faced - but surely will)?

If you do have needs and can admit them, do you have faith in Something or Someone larger than yourself, Who is able (and desires) to come to your aid? If so, do you then act on that faith and request that aid, trusting that it will come?

Or do you struggle vainly on your own, as if you were someone who didn't need outside help, but all the while knowing that you do?



Boy, that last sounds way too much like me. :(

So, blog author.. hear yourself! Have faith in a God of grace:

"Grace is the action of God bringing to pass in our lives good things that we neither deserve nor can accomplish on our own."

----- Richard Foster

Can you have faith... (part 1)

...in specific outcomes?

or is faith necessarily general in nature, and in a person or object, rather than an outcome?

In my case, particularly, can I have faith that I will be provided a job that will be stable enough allow me to still pursue grad school and facilitate a career change in a few years, getting financial affairs in good enough shape to make that change work smoothly, while in the meantime be something that I can at least somewhat enjoy doing with reasonably good motives?

*That* specific?

I don't know..

Seems to me that the faith that I see in the Bible is faith that is in a *person*, not in an outcome. The faith I see there is faith that trusts that person's (God's) virtuous character, strength of ability, and clear willingness to help. But even with that kind of belief, the people who showed faith still seemed to allow for God to do as He wished, not expecting Him to snap to, and get busy with what they asked for. And often, the result exceeded the help they wanted in the first place.

Yes, the need was specific, but the faith seemed to be general; the need was for an outcome, but the faith was in the person being asked for help.

Do I believe in God's virtuous character, strength of ability, and clear willingness to help? Yup. That kind of faith I have. But nothing more specific than that.

I may have a desire for a certain outcome, but.. no faith at all that God will give me that outcome. Only faith that He is gracious, kind, willing and able to help - as He sees fit, but in my best long-term (read: eternal) best interests.

Is that enough?

Coincidence?

First, a disclaimer (a long disclaimer):

I think it's getting to be the right time to reiterate what this blog is supposed to be, and what it's not.

Weblogs in general are kind of like diaries, or if you're a grownup, like keeping a journal, but online where others can see it. So you try to be free with your thoughts to keep true to what a diary or journal is for: to get your thoughts into words in the hopes that you can understand things better. For some people, like me, writing is cathartic, theraputic, all by itself, whether someone reads it or not. It helps me think and process stuff better if I write about it.

But on the other hand, doing this online is like keeping a diary and knowing that your pesky little brother has a key to it, so how free with your thoughts are you going to be, really? And if now and then you get a little *too* free with your thoughts, like how you feel when you are kissing the person you're dating... your little brother is probably going to give you grief about it. So.. you guard your words a bit. Unless in your enthusiasm you slip up, get too specific, and then he reads it, is shocked, goes and tells mommy, and you get grounded for having such thoughts at your age! ;) (Of course mommy herself had those same thoughts at your age, too - just never wrote them down where anyone could see!) :P

So.. what's here serves multiple purposes. For those of you who are friends and family, it provides a little news - status reports on how things are going. But it also is a bit like a webcam into my head. You sometimes see things there you would rather not have seen, as if you pulled up a construction site webcam that you look at from time to time to note progress of the facility, and unexpectedly saw someone in their underwear close up who should *never* be seen in their underwear, you know? Too much information, scary information no less, and in the wrong place.

That's because the second purpose is: I put my feelings here, my worries, fears, hopes, dreams, joys, simple pleasures, mistakes.. all that stuff. I will continue to do that because it's helpful - to ME! It may or may not be helpful to you. But that's not why I write - at least not here. But I don't mind if you watch the webcam into my head and heart. Just don't be surprised if now and then I'm in my underwear. Metaphorically speaking... I won't post pictures. You're welcome. ;)

What this blog isn't... is a teaching tool. While I teach instinctively, and want to vocationally as well, this.. isn't it. These are my musings. Sometimes they develop into mini-lectures, little homilies. Can't help it, it's how I think. But all I'm doing is thinking online. The ideas here are mostly half-cooked, still in process, developing. When they become a finished product they get printed and put into a file for the next adult or Sr. High class I teach. :)

Like I told my Sr. High classes, if you want to read Solomon's teaching principles for how life works, read Proverbs. If you want to see his musings on life, his frustrations with it, questions about it, conclusions about it, read Ecclesiastes. Proverbs is his textbook. Ecclesiastes is his blog. This is a blog, not a textbook.

Okay, disclaimer over. On to the coincidence.



Our streak of pastorless worship services continues. :( The Baptist church down the street had a guest speaker today. But! So did the Catholic church yesterday, so there! :P But what is it with people here? Does everyone vacation in July and August? It's crazy! "Hey, stupid!" you might say, "you're on vacation all the time right now, remember? Why should you complain?" Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm still unemployed. I guess that qualifies as vacation. But I'm ready to go back home now. Can we be done with vacation?

But the guy who preached did a great job on grace from Romans 5. He's on staff apparently, in a "community life" pastor role, whatever that is. It sounded a bit like a customer satisfaction sort of job. Leave it to the Evangelicals to think like marketers, and the parishioners like consumers. Grr...

But he had good things to say, and I learned something. Unlike at Mass yesterday, which was pretty flat. I don't think I'll go back to that service. The liturgy was still rich - they couldn't suck the life out of that part. But even a rousing Andre' Crouch gospel song (with harmony, no less!) they used as a closer came off lifeless. Too bad. Anyway, the fill-in guy used a phrase I liked to describe the Christian life. It was "apprenticing under Jesus." Yeah. I get that. :)

Music at "Baptist World" today, though.. woooboy! Rock band. Big sound. The guy who played lead sounded just like The Edge from U2. But - no way was it performance oriented. Not at all. Limited solo work, lots of congregational singing. Verrry worshipful, and the songs were content-rich. Best contemporary worship I've seen in this community yet. They handled announcements well - not distracting or disruptive. Nicely done, and respectful of God all 'round. And, one of my upcoming profs (Systematic Theology III come Spring) goes here and filled the pulpit 3 weeks ago (while, yes, the pastor was vacationing - again.)

The best part, though, was a happy coincidence! A young couple we knew from our old church in SE WI was there today! They recognized us and came over, and after talking, turns out they live about 3 blocks away! The guy got his MATS from Bethel a couple of years ago, and now is an adjunct there doing a few classes while finishing his doctoral dissertation (which degree is from Marquette!)

So.. new friends! Woo. And, we may just have found a church home. :)

The days of this life

"The days of this life are short and evil, full of sorrow and misery, where a person is

stained with many sins,
ensnared by many passions,
bound by many fears,
swollen by many cares,
distracted by many curiosities,
entangled by many vanities,
surrounded by many mistakes,
weakened by many effort,
weighed down by temptations,
sopped by pleasures,
tormented by wants.

Oh, when will there be an end to all these things that have gone awry in God's plan?"


----- Thomas a' Kempis, "The Imitation of Christ", ca. 1418

Good news and ... no news. Is that bad news?

No word back today from the little company in Southern WI. Pooh. I was hoping they'd be wanting to set up an in-person visit. Yeah, the CEO just got back yesterday from 8 days away, so I'm sure he's got other priorities. But I emailed this morning to just check in.. was hoping for at least a grunt. :(

And I was supposed to talk with the hiring manager for the telecommuter job sometime this week, too, just to get a better feel for the details of the job, and his expectations for travel, initial priorities, etc. Pam the recruiter was trying to get a call scheduled, but.. no soap.

So is no news bad news? on either front? I'm feeling neglected. :(

In the good news department, no offer will be forthcoming from Central Wisconsin. Yay! :) I didn't want to have to consider that one anyway, given there's no seminary there for me to continue grad school. Whew!

Also good news: I don't have to make dinner tonight! Yay! :) Not that I've minded - I've enjoyed it. Some might say enjoyed it a little *too* much. ;) But, the reason that's good news is that D got her first paycheck today. Yay! :) So we go out for the first time in about 6 weeks. Dinner at Baker's Square and then The Bourne Ultimatum. :)

Tomorrow, Mass at a new place. Anybody ever heard of a St. Odilia? Pretty obscure, but I suppose it's a challenge to name Catholic parishes after a while without resorting to Roman numerals (St. John IX, Immaculate Heart of Mary IV, Corpus Christi III, etc.)

More on that later, in my usual post with observations and impressions of church for the week.

Mmm, c'est bon! (airline edit)

(For those of you who by your anonymous (and unpublished) comments think that the sensuality of cooking is adversely affecting my sense of decorum.. here's a pg-rated version of the earlier post. Henceforth I'll post a warning if reader discretion is advised.)

While grocery shopping today (yes, I know I'm late - normally market day is Tuesday, but we had company over) I'm wandering the produce department looking for something to grab me by the neck and shout "buy me!" with no such luck so far, and then.. the strawberries sort of flirted with me. ;) They weren't priced low enough to have a line of boys waiting, but ripe, red, lush and juicy that they were, they certainly looked attractive enough to pull off a line like "hey, there mister: what are you lookin' at?" when they knew darn well it was *them* I was eyeing up. Typical of berries who know they're cute..

So, I put my arm around a pound box of those babies, and sure enough, they came home with daddy. :) Mmmhmm.

But then inspiration struck! Oh! Dessert! Yes, perhaps..

Sure enough there were french crepes not far away, and on the back of the package... a recipe. :) So I take quick mental stock of what's in the cupboards and what I need at the store, and.. home I go with a glint in my eyes. Those berries will never be the same. ;)

Besides, the entree' was leftover chicken breasts from Olive Garden the night before, courtesy of Grandma and two nieces who have no appetite. So, besides a fresh vegetable, what am I contributing tonight, anyway? I have to do SOMEthing creative!

Okay, then.. chocolate mousse made from scratch. :) Why not? Let's see now, heavy whipping cream. Beat .. until .. peaks .. appear. Hm. Okaaayyy.. Will it be obvious?

Big bowl, pour in the cream, doesn't say to add anything, so.. electric beaters in the cream, start on low, turn up to high.. so far so good.

Hm. Nothing's changing. Three minutes. Five minutes.. How long do you BEAT this stuff!!??!?!? Seven minutes.. jeepers, this is taking forever. My forearm hurts. :( Oh, now *finally* it's thickening. And woah! All of a sudden it's getting really thick and clumpy. Wow. But where's the peaks? It just looks like pillars of cottage cheese now. This can't be right. I'd better stop. Hm.

Well.. it is what it is. :) Let's try the chocolate part. Pudding mix, some espresso, milk.. blend.. hm. Clumping again. Pillars of chocolate cottage cheese. What IS this with the clumping!?!? Okay, so for the cup of milk the pudding mix wanted, I used up the rest of the whipping cream and then a little 1% to make up the rest of the cupful, and - maybe I wasn't supposed to do that? Ahhh, who cares? Stop with the beating already. Hold back some whipped cream for garnish, and blend the rest in with the chocolate mix. Lick the spoon and see.

Ohhhh YEAH, baby! Now *that's* chocolate mousse!

But why just chocolate and strawberries, how about one with chocolate and blueberries?? Have some to eat up anyway.. and oh! I have some blueberry yogurt. Yoplait, no less. That's French, right?

So the finished product: two crepes per plate, one with strawberries and whipped cream as garnish on the top (with the chocolate mousse and more strawberries inside, of course), and the other with blueberries & chocolate instead, inside and out. The second plate had a strawberry chocolate one, and a blueberry one with blueberry yogurt inside instead of chocolate.

Lovely. :)

French crepes done well on the first try. Tres bon!

Account number, please?

Some HR person (from the firm with a verbal offer on the table) called to ask a bunch of questions about my home office space.

Is it ergonomically correct? (I don't know.. my back gets stiff now and then. Is this a sign?)

Is your internet DSL or cable? (cable)

Is your phone bundled with the internet? (yup)

What's the vendor's name? (Comcast)

The name on the account and the number? (hey... aren't we getting a little personal? You haven't sent me a written offer yet, and I haven't accepted! Gee.. it's like asking a girl for her underwear size when you haven't even... you know?? Fresh!!!)

What kind of equipment do you need? (you mean besides a windows-based computer? Um... gee, what do *you* think I should have? I'd kind of like to have a web-cam for video conferencing. That'd be fun.)

There's some person who handles all that stuff who will contact me with procedures. Apparently my first day will be in Kansas City and I will have a trunk full of equipment to haul back with me, so I guess I'll be driving. :) If I accept! Let's all just remember that..

Well, anyway, I guess by middle of next week they should have the offer out to me.

In the meantime the HR guy from Southcentral WI emailed and said "back in the office Tuesday - president is back on Thursday - we'll be in touch sometime this week." Okay.. don't drag your feet here.. I have an offer coming! Supposedly.

Nothing back from Central WI yet. Not that I'm expecting anything from them.

The seminary called - orientation for Fall is coming up, and a packet is en route to me re: books, parking, etc. :) Yay! Systematic Theology I on Tuesday nights. Woo.

Until then, I start another Math class as an adjunct professor tonight. It should wrap up the week before my Seminary classes start. The final exam for my Monday night students is next week, then done with that. After this new one, then no teaching until Winter - if I even have the capacity then. At this point I have no idea how demanding my grad school class will be. Hope it's not too reading-heavy, but more writing-heavy. I like writing. Can you tell? ;)

Back to the old (new) routine

So, after church Sunday, and typing up a looooong blog entry (as those of you who dutifully waded through it already know), it was time to get back into the rhythm of life in the slow lane. :)

A workout was definitely in order. Muscles were feeling a bit spongy. But not anymore! Owww...

Then, I used Google maps to print out directions to and from the Mall for the visiting female relatives about to invade and take over the house.. Oh, I love their new feature where if you don't care for the route, you can grab and drag the route line and make it go via a different highway. Sure helps when they first try to route you over a bridge that doesn't exist anymore as of last week. :(

All of a sudden it was time to start dinner, since it will bake for an hour and a half. Mmm... meat loaf. :) Good! With fresh green & wax beans and butter. Ahhh. So? What does Betty say about this? Let's look:

Hmmm. Since it was really beef loaf, without the pork and veal, Betty (and D) said to ignore the spicing as shown. Cut the mustard, celery salt, worchestershire (sp?) sauce, etc.. and go straight to the horseradish and catsup. Umm... sorry Betty. No horseradish for me! (unless of course it's passover, because then I *have* to, so that I can remember the bitterness of captivity and weep convincingly. But voluntarily? Ugh.) D said to just go with salt, pepper, allspice and chopped onion. But hey, why stop there?!?!? :)

Could some Lawry's seasoned salt be that bad? I mean, it's good on steak.. And you put mustard on hamburgers (or at least some people do) - why not a pinch of dried mustard in beef loaf? And if adding one egg to the batter is good, wouldn't two be even better? Instead of just milk to mix with the breadcrumbs, why not some oh-so-creamy half and half? And would one good shake of paprika be so terrible? That, plus a little diced yellow bell pepper? How bad could this be, really? Cutting up half a stick of butter, and pressing it into the top of the loaf when it's just about to go into the oven, should cover up a multitude of sins. And yes, I thought about oregano, cilantro, basil... but I think for this first time I really should draw the line somewhere. ;)

Once dinner was in the oven.. time to clean the bathrooms. Oh boy! It has been a while. But just hand me the Comet, Softscrub, Windex, and a brush, sponge and paper towel, and... let me at 'em! You don't forget how; it's like riding a bicycle.. (and I perspire about the same amount, too.) Ooh. Do they sparkle!

Hey! What's that squealing noise? Smoke alarm? What the.. ??

Oh, crap! The butter's running over and burning on the bottom of the oven. Look at that smoke, will ya? Where are the fans? Quick, open the windows! Jeepers.. who knew it would do that?? I should have put a cookie sheet under the loaf pan. Dang it. Rookie mistake. :( Oh well... live and learn. House still smells a little "burnt" this morning. :(

But boy, did it taste good! :) mmm.. Maybe some sweet green chiles next time, with a tad less seasoned salt. :)

After dinner finally a chance to sit and read the paper with a glass (or three) of wine. I think I'm calming down. Life is good in the slow lane. :) At least when there's no fire to put out.. :P

Distinctives and questions (updated)

Didn't make it back from visiting family in time to make the 4:30 mass Saturday at either St. Rose's or St. Margaret Mary this week, but was able to get to a 5:00 mass here.

Once again, a much different place than the others I've visited. Do all parishes have this much distincitveness from each other? For some reason I thought that the liturgy made Catholic parishes more... what, uniform?... than Evangelical churches. Nope. :)

This congregation, for instance, was much more enthically diverse than the other two. And, they had a choir. And, they had very different music than the others.

Not to mention that there were no kneelers! What's up with that? I wanted some! It was a hard tile floor.. :(

And, instead of a basin with holy water in it where you enter, there was what looked like a cross-shaped baptismal tank? The thing had steps in it. It had to be for baptising. And it was full of water.. but nobody got dunked today, so.. what's up with that? And I felt kind of dumb wanting to reach down in there to wet my fingers to make the sign of the cross, but... there wasn't anything else around. Weird.

This is also the first place where I've noticed that some people, when they take the Eucharist, will eat the bread (read: wafer - kinda crunchy. Sort of like a corn chip. Hm.) but they walk right past the cup. What's up with that? Why would you take the body but not the blood of Christ? It's like being only halfway forgiven? I don't get it.

A cool thing, though, was when they brought up the "gifts", as they call them. I'm still not sure I follow that notion. Some family brought up the weekly money offerings in a basket for the priest to receive and give thanks for. Plus, they bought up the bread and wine, and they referred to them all as "gifts", like the bread and wine were offerings, too. I read about this somewhere, but I'm not sure I follow.

I thought we celebrate the gift of Jesus' body and blood given for *us*, not the other way around. But the whole Eucharist ceremony seems like a sacrifice, and I think they even call it that. I suppose that's consistent with Paul's command in Romans to "offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, acceptable unto God, which is your spiritual worship." I have to think about that whole business some more.

But where was I going with this? Oh! Yeah. When the priest received the gifts, he gave thanks for them, and the form of his prayer was just like the wording of the Seder blessing for the ritual foods (among which are wine and matzoh). It was cool. :) It connected nicely with Passover, as it should.

So, a very different mass this week. And now, this morning, after the "contemporary" church service at the Baptist church, I have even more comparisons to draw. :)

The Catholic priest was not a natural preacher, that's for sure. Poor guy. He struggled. Thankfully he knocked off after 10 minutes. :) And I thought he really missed an opportunity this week. The Gospel reading was Jesus' parable of the guy who tore down his old barns and built new ones, since he was so prosperous. And the punch line to the story is "You fool, this very night your life will be required of you - then who will enjoy all you've accumulated?"

Boy, with the 35W bridge collapse this week, what a great segue that Scripture makes to a discussion about the brevity of life and the need to keep short accounts with God. But he blew right past it. I sure know what homily *I* would have given. You have people's attention this week on that subject, man - use it!

The Baptist church had a guest speaker this week. That makes the 6th time out of seven weeks of visiting Evangelical churches that the regular pastor has been on vacation. What's up with that? I know it's summer and that season doesn't last long here, but.. c'mon! Which brings up a question: do priests take vacation? They seem to always be around, never gone.

Hey, I don't know this stuff! Stop laughing..

Anyway, the guest speaker was no prize either in the preaching department. But, unlike the priest, he went on rambling for 40 minutes. :( Honestly, there was a point where it got offensive to me. When he turned it into a slideshow of *his* ministry, it became a workshop, not worship. And this has happened in Evangelical churches wherever I've gone. I hate it, just hate it!

I can't imagine Catholics even thinking of such a thing - inserting 40 minutes of ministry description in the middle of the liturgy! To me they have too much respect for the Eucharist, the ministry of the Word, and being in the presence of the Holy, to entertain such a notion.. but the Evangelicals don't think twice about it. The lack of respect for worship galls me.

But! They did sieze the opportunity at the opening of the service to focus attention on the tragic events of the week, where the Catholics nearly blew that off completely. The Baptist worship leader gently brought people to prayer and to meditation on those who were suffering, and then led the congregation in the Lord's Prayer (which the Catholics call the "Our Father", but - same difference. I think I like the Catholic cadence to it better, even though I find myself sort of blending the two in my own goofy way.)

And the music today. Waaaaaay better, thank you. It was contemporary, yes, and still too performance-based for my liking (not enough opportunity for the congregation to sing) but at least it had some depth to it. No namby-pamby choruses and fluff pieces. They started with the Doxology, took it realllll slooooow, and cranked up the organ to swell the ending. And as the last chord hung in the air, the drums and bass kicked in to a good Lincoln Brewster praise tune. The worship leader did pump the crowd a bit too much, though. We're not at a concert, here..

Then some more older hymns (This Is My Father's World, Nothing But The Blood of Jesus) and a newer one that is really rich (How Deep The Father's Love For Us) which were all done in a contemporary style - modern chord structures, rhythms and singing styles that you could easily hear on a top 40 radio station right now. Nicely done that way. Contemporary, yes, but with depth.

An extra little plus today was that it was the first Sunday of the month, so they had Communion. Those Evangelicals! Can't have too much of a good thing, you know - everything in moderation, including Communion. It did make the comparison to the Eucharist the day before a little easier, though. Again, the Evangelicals took a more casual approach to things. Much less preparation, contemplation, or serious engagement. And, as usual, there's no need to leave your seat. You pass the plates and serve yourself. Feels more like a family dinner and a toast in Jesus' honor, than a humbling and reinforcing experience of forgiveness directly from Jesus. And I suppose... that's about the difference.

So, next week, St. Rose's at 4:30 on Saturday, and Calvary's sister church down the street the other direction at 10AM Sunday. Contemporary again - that's all they do there, I guess. Hmmm... wonder if we'll get to see the actual regular preacher, and get our batting average up to .250?

Oh, and... shorts today again, and not just on me! :) Same with the Catholic church. No dress code at either. Yay!

And to wrap up, here is a postscript that gets me excited. :)

Finally, Evangelicals are getting what Catholics and others have appreciated for some time, that as stewards of God's creation, we have a responsibility to care for the physical world around us, in part because of God's original mandate to Adam to "till and keep" that which He gave him.

Take a look:

http://www.restoringeden.org/

Thanks to my niece, Liz, for this URL Saturday. :)

God has a plan for my life

Oh yeah? Is that so?

Who says?

Oh you mean the prophet Jeremiah, where he says: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11) ... *that* plan?

Never mind that this message was directed by God specifically "to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon" (v.4) and was pointing to when the 70 years of exile would be up and some of the people would return to rebuild the city of Jerusalem. Never mind that. Somehow Evangelicals have generalized this verse to apply to all believers, all the time.

But how about an alternative?

Maybe instead of having a specific "plan" that involves discerning and then choosing the correct door (by the way, I'm about to go into interviews for door #2 in about an hour - and door #1 seemed to swing open yesterday), lest you find a goat there instead of a grand prize...

Maybe rather He has some good works prepared for me to do, and THAT'S His plan for my life: go do what He's prepared me to do, in His name and on His behalf.

Maybe it's really more like Ephesians 2:10: "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Hm. I mean, if I'm doing those good works, how far off from the plan of God for my life can that really be?

And maybe what He's "prepared us for" through personality, aptitude and life experience, is the kind of thing that Jesus talked about in Matthew 25. Attending to Him, attending to the affairs of His Kingdom, attending to the needs of others around us in His name.

Maybe life choices are as simple as that? Attending to what matters in the long run, but attending to it... daily?

Can it be as simple as Jesus said in Matthew 6: 31-34?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."

Um, yeah. That last part I get.

Kuchemeister

That's me, baby.

Yesterday the refrigerator was dying, and the repair guy couldn't come until around 6:30, and it's market day but no place to put perishables, and there's a tired (and possibly cranky!) spouse coming home from work at 5:15, so... what's a guy to do?

Well, farmer's market sweet corn is okay on the counter for a few hours, as are the fresh raspberries. That chuck steak in the freezer isn't getting any younger, and is going to get a lot warmer soon when the guy comes, so.. let's do a little experiment with a marinade and see if we can't have everything ready to go by 5:30 so we can eat before the guy gets here.

Soon it's 5:36 and the corn is done, the berries are dished, the fuzzy navel is poured, table is set, flowers in the vase... no spouse. Fold arms. Tap foot. Repeat. Well, the steak still needs four minutes yet. Hmm.

5:45, pray, sit, and ahhh... yummy steak, and not too bad for the first time at sweet corn, either. :)

So today the boy gets creative. After the fridge got fixed last night (just a broken fan) I went off for the perishables, and got a nice deal on boneless thick-cut pork chops ($2.49/lb.), so... a little variation on Betty Crocker to make the most of what's on hand, and: fruit-stuffed pork chops! The balance of the sweet corn, with low-carb ice cream bars for dessert.

Okay, so I used bread crumbs and granola instead of dried bread cubes, and lime juice instead of orange juice in the stuffing. So? It just has to taste good. :) They'll go in the oven at 4:30, should be on the table by 6. We'll see..

Hey... where's my apron?

:)

********

Epilogue: Mmmm. :)

After an hour in the oven, the house smelled of cinnamon, apples & raisins. And such a nice taste to the pork, good consistency to the improvised "stuffing", and a very positive reaction from those served. :)

In hindsight, I think I would correct Betty and bake it for 1:15 instead of 1:30, as it was just a titch on the dry side, but not overmuch. (D says that the pork of today is not the same as it was in 1975 - which is the vintage of the version of Betty sitting on the countertop - and the cooking times should be trimmed a bit just like the fat on pork has been since then. Who knew?)

And... maybe a few more raisins and one less splash of lime juice. ;)

But overall, a very fine freshman effort at stuffed pork chops.

Tomorrow... hotel food enroute to another interview.

Sigh. Do I really have to go? I think I'd rather cook. ;)

Compare and contrast

Went to church this morning at a Baptist General Conference congegation (http://www.calvarychurch.us/) about 15 min. south. They have a "blended" service and a "contemporary" one, as well as a sister church closer by with only one service, "contemporary." The blended one this morning was more traditional, with use of the organ, hymns from the hymnal, a small choir, etc. From the demographics of it, it appeared to be the "old people's" service. And, um.. no smart remarks, please. ;)

From the very beginning of the service, I found myself noticing the differences between it and the Masses I've attended recently. I instinctively looked to pull the kneeler out, so that I could prepare my heart for worship and pray privately a bit before things got started. Instead people used the time to chat and greet, the way they always do in Evangelical churches. :) I wanted to dip my fingers in the water as I entered and make that sign of consecration, wanted to touch down on one knee as I entered the sanctuary to acknowlege coming into the presence of the Holy with other believers. I missed the attitudes of solemnity, of reverence, of penitence, of humility and of contemplation that I've been so aware of at Mass.

But boy, could they sing at this place! Loud, and good (for a bunch of old folks.) And I do so love the harmony on the hymns and choruses. Why don't Catholics harmonize??? It drives me crazy! Okay, during the liturgy there's maybe not so much place for it, but on the responses and the hymns? C'mon! Sing out! :)

And definitely livelier music, even at a traditional service. The choir today was only 8 voices, but were they good! They sounded like 20. And for the special music (solo) number, they backed up the soloist doing a black gospel song, and goodness me, a bunch of white folks almost made it sound authentic. ;) All those open 5ths... all they needed was synchronized swaying... but that's asking a little too much for people of Scandanavian heritage. :)

Hm. I was certainly aware of the Evangelical dress code being in force. Business casual was the order of the day. Oops. Left my dockers and polo shirt at home, sorry... :( I only got 2 open stares at my shorts, sandals and t-shirt ensemble (hey, it all matched!), so.. they were fairly cool about it.

The sermon was the usual content-driven powerpoint presentation, with the feel of a formal seminar. This is in contrast to the Catholic homilies I've heard recently which were much more like an intimate conversation, or a casual devotional talk. I think that's because the content (both the Word and theology) is embedded in the liturgy, bible reading and prayers. They *are* rich that way. Prayer in the Evangelical church is ... not as content-rich, but more ... familiar and intimate with God. The emphasis on intimacy is kind of reversed for preaching and prayer. :)

I did feel like a spectator most of the time today, which is an old familiar feeling for me, whereas I've not once felt like that at Mass. I've felt clueless at Mass, yes, but never like a spectator. There's way too much participation to be able to sit back and let people "perform" for you. All the responses (spoken and sung), praying out loud, reciting creeds, singing before and after various stuff (yes, in unison, but there's still a *lot* of singing), kneeling, standing, sitting, walking, touching, gesturing... you're busy in Mass! :)

Similarities? Mostly in the theology, surprisingly. The core stuff in the Mass is ... core! You have the occasional reference to saints/Mary, but really very little of that. The whole thing points to Jesus and to our relationship with God through Him. I haven't found myself balking at anything you say or sing there, except maybe 2 phrases. And there's at least that much that I balk at in the Evangelical church, too - especially in the lyrics to some of the choruses. "Yes! Lord, Yes! Lord, Yes! Yes! Lord!" Ugh. Give me a break...

So, for now at least, it will be Mass for me at 4:30 on Saturdays, and Evangelical worship with D on Sunday mornings.

Now, if I could just get the Catholics to sing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and harmonize! :)

Not mixed emotions after all

Here's what I will tell my recruiter when we talk next.

I will not accept an offer to move to Kansas City. I will, however, consider one as a telecommuter. But will also continue the interview processes underway elsewhere.

For one, they don't need me to supervise anybody directly. They need technical product expertise (which I have) and relationship building with the heads of a few businesses (which I can do.) Those business heads are all over the country. I can do this from here.

Second, KC has no appeal to me at all, having spent 48 hours there. Yawn. It doesn't compare favorably with here.

Now, the remaining question is.. do I *want* to do this job, or is it merely a means to an end? (the end being finishing grad school, getting our financial situation ready for a career transition, and ... doing it gradually with less shock to the system)

On the surface, that makes some sense..

Exhausted

from a day of interviews. :(

Not that they were difficult, but.. I've done this so many times over the years that it seems like an acting job. You know, the house lights go down, the curtain goes up, the spotlight hits you and... "Yeah, baby! I know what to say, I know what to do to wow you. What do you think of this!"

But, now that I'm offstage.. I will benefit from the 7 hour drive back tomorrow to think, process what I heard, consider my fit with the place and the people.

So far.. mixed emotions. But that may be the fatigue talking.

It's time for some beer and BBQ!

Drive, drive, drive

Tomorrow I'll be driving 7 hours south for a dayful of interviews the next day, then driving back another 7 hours on Saturday.

A week from tomorrow I'll be driving about 4 hours east for a dayful of interviews the next day, then driving ... somewhere ... that night. It might be back here, or.. South another 2 hours.

In between these trips, on Sunday night, I'll have a 2nd phone interview with the little company 5 hours SE of here, this time with the CEO. And if that goes well and they invite me in for a face-face.. it might be on Monday the 6th, and I'll spend the weekend somewhere.. in the vicinity. We'll see.

And while all this is going on... I still have no mental grid through which to evaluate what, if any, offers may come. How do I even evaluate the choices? Will I have any? If no offers are forthcoming, that certainly pushes us toward Path B - grad school and starting over. The campus-apartment part and the job-with-benefits part of that path are secured.

I'm afraid I'll be pushed along by circumstances. For some people, that's just fine, drifting with the current of life. Not me... I want to choose! But on what basis?

What's cooking?

Um... chicken alfredo?

And this time I got to experiment with the sauce, and tweak the recipe to my liking. :) Added a teaspoon of minced onion and a 1/4 t. black pepper. Muuuuch better. More wax beans (nearly finished), some fresh strawberries from the farmer's market for dessert. Fresh flowers on the table from there, too.

On the job front, D's first day was today. But oh.. the benefits are *not* immediate. 30 days. :( Rats! Now I have to call the pharmacy and cancel the drugs. And also no psychobabble (that's me blathering to a shrink - excuse me, therapist) for a month at least. I suppose I'll last that long. ;)

Also on the job front, had another phone interview today, this time with a little company about 4 hours southeast of here. A big fish in a small pond kind of position, reporting to the CEO, setting up a new actuarial department. They seem nice, and want me to come down for an in-person interview soon. Working on dates for that..

And Thursday AM... I'm off to Missouri for the better part of three days. Wonder where that will lead? I'd like to think it would lead to a telecommuting role that I'd like, and allow us to stay put, but.. first the interview, *then* the offer. That's usually how it works.

A New Routine?

Well. This is different.

With D going back to work for the first time since children... how do we divide the housework?

She starts tomorrow and as of yet doesn't know her schedule. 10 to 6? 8 to 4? Floating from week to week?

So we are negotiating new responsibilities around here. And neither of us remember how we used to do this, either.

What's mine now? Do I get the kitchen & food prep? That might make sense. And I liked making dinner last night, and do fine with that when I'm alone. Bathrooms? Laundry? All those are okay with me. Just don't ask me to dust. Ick. Or iron; too much potential for damage..

It's easier now because I'm still unemployed, but... if and when that changes - we negotiate again, I think.

Hm.

That's soooo random!

ohhhh, no, it's not!

It's not random, just... unexpected.

Driving back from the grocery store yesterday I was going over the notion of randomness (or rather, apparent randomness) in advance of my upcoming lecture Monday night on probability. And people use that phrase today "that was really random" to describe what is really something they just didn't expect. Randomness is a convenient mental construct we use to help us explain why things happen unpredictably, or perhaps in semi-predictable patterns. But the things that happen to us that we think about that way - aren't really random.

We live in a very deterministic universe. Cause produces effect. Precisely. The only reason things *appear* random to us is that we don't have perfect information about either the initial conditions, nor the actions of the forces coming to bear on those conditions. If we had perfect information on both... we could predict everything. But we don't, so we can predict... nothing.

Even the act of shuffling/dealing cards or flipping coins or rolling dice, which we all universally think of as random processes, are not random at all. The actions of our hands on the cards, coins or dice MAKE them do what they do (in cooperation with air pressure, temperature, weight, texture of surfaces, etc.) They are merely responding to those actions. If we could duplicate those initial conditions and those actions precisely, the outcome would be the same every time. But we can't, so it's not.

What we call randomness is really variation in initial conditions and actions of forces. Since we can't quantify the variation, we throw up our hands and say "it's random." But even the shuffle program in your iPod isn't random. It's a mathematical algorithm with enough built-in variation that will appear to produce a different order every time. But it isn't random; it's deterministic. Everything is.

Everything is deterministic. But not everything is expected.

Most things are unexpected. And some... are more unexpected than others. As Mark Twain once said about Adam, when you see the sun come up in the morning a few times in a row, you pretty much assume it will do that every day. :) And we get into a routine of expecting certain things to continue. Like your engine starting when you turn the key. Power being there when you flip a switch. Continued employment. Health. Friendship. Love.

When some things that we come to expect aren't there any more... we look for reasons. When something highly variable (like weather in New England, or a woman's mood.. oops, sorry) changes often, we don't think much about it and chalk it up to either inherent unpredictability or randomness (or plain old perversity) depending on our view of the world. But when a stable process changes suddenly, there has to be a reason! Like Tiger Woods misses the cut in a major! Something's wrong and needs fixing. The highly unexpected event throws us for a loop, forces us to reevaluate if things are really as stable and predictable as we thought.

The priest this morning used the example of the visitors from God sent to Abraham (under the terebinth tree at Mamre) to announce that he and Sarah would conceive. Which, by the way.. caused it to dawn on me that this is really the OT version of the Annunciation to Mary. Sarah just had a very different response to it. ;) Wonder why I never saw that before...

What a disruption that event caused! Life got very different for Abraham and Sarah after that. Unexpectedly so. The Gospel reading for the day described a similar unexpected experience for Martha when Jesus visited her (and Mary and Lazarus) and told her that, contrary to custom, women ought to stop serving so much and come sit and listen to the Teacher with the men. Also very unexpected.

The priest then went on to talk about how God uses the unexpected (which He has ordained to happen - deterministic, but unpredictable because we don't know His mind and will much of the time) to stir up our lives and make us reevaluate whether certain things we do and think are a pattern we should cling to... or abandon for something new (and scary.)

Job loss, health loss, loss of loved one, crisis of faith, you name it... God uses these things to stir the pot of soup we call life, and add new ingredients, in order to (I suppose..) make it better. That's where faith comes in, I guess. Trusting that He knows His way around our kitchen.. and is the Master Chef, better than we will ever be.

(sigh)

Yeah, yeah. I get it. I don't like it, but I get it. :)

Oh, and... I keep learning stuff. Today's mass was mostly from the same mass (and there is apparently more than one mass, varying mostly in style, not content) as the church used last week, something called the Mass of Angels and Saints, or some such? I like it. Lots of 3/4 time, good use of minor keys, simple and catchy melodies. Just... no harmony anywhere! Do Catholics not do harmony?

And I'm amazed at what's in their... do they use the word hymnal? Service book? Whatever it is.. the hardbound thing with all the songs in it. Lots of stuff by Wesley and revivalists, some by the old reformers (!) even. Ha - they actually used one called "Sing of the Lord's Goodness" that was in 5/4 time! I've never heard anything in church done in 5/4. I thought Dave Brubeck was at the piano! ;)

And oh... they used one of my very favorite melodies (the old Irish tune Shane), but with different words than I ever sang before. They called it "Lord of All Hopefulness", but I know it as "Be Thou My Vision", and couldn't help but sing to myself my favorite verses:

Riches I need not, nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance, now and always
Thou and Thou only first in my heart
High king of heaven my treasure Thou art

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

And that pretty much did it for me. :) It was during the preparation of the gifts, and it didn't take long for the priest to get to the line in the Communion service that cuts me to the heart whenever I hear it. He adapts the Roman Centurion's words to Jesus: "Lord I am not worthy for you to come into my house; but just say the word and my servant shall be healed." He (and the congregation) personalizes it.. "I am not worthy to receive you.. but just say the word and I will be healed..", and that's when my cheeks get wet. I just.. can't help it. Such great grace and such infinite mercy. And ... toward such a one as I.

So undeserved, it almost seems like "God, that's so random of you! Why me of all people?"

And He says: it's not random, son, it's determined. Ordained.

But at the same time, so very very... unexpected. :)

Variations on a theme

Just to show you all that I can change things up now and then in this dull routine called unemployment, the meals today consisted of:

Breakfast: 2 Big Macs, less 4 of the 6 bun pieces, water, half a dark chocolate bar.

Lunch: Progresso Chicken Barley soup, torilla chips w/nacho dip, and a lite beer (Miller's new Chill brand - made with lime and salt. mmm.)

Dinner: Liverwurst on wheat with sliced muenster and miracle whip, second half of the chocolate bar, fresh brewed ginger peach tea over ice to chase various medications and vitamins.

So there! That oughtta show ya. Yours truly is no slave to routine.

Okay, so it's a little light on the vegetables. I'll make up for that tomorrow. Fresh green and wax beans. Served together for color. :)

Oh, the bottle of wine tonight will be... maple, aged 4 years. Goodness knows what that will be like, even properly chilled.

Highlight of the day: having a stone chip in my windshield repaired, inside my garage. $65 for 10 min. work courtesy of Liberty Mutual Insurance. Huh.

Project for the day: grading quizzes, preparing answers to next week's homework. Yawn.

See? I can vary the routine. A little.



P.S. Thanks to D getting employed, as of Tuesday we have benefits again! Yay! That means I can get more drugs and go visit a shrink. ;)

Sicko

My grandpa Bill had an iron behemoth in his barn known as a threshing machine. It looked like a slapped together steel dinosaur sculpture when at rest, but when he fired it up, it was an incredibly noisy whirlwind of a device that flapped, spun and exhaled so much dust and racket you thought the barn would collapse on top of you just prior to suffocation.

That machine certainly made an impression on a pre-adolescent boy. But something else having to do with that machine made an even greater impression, that still lingers today. The neighboring farmers of my granpda's generation would get together and harvest each others' fields and then take turns using the thresher to winnow the grain. They all went from one field to another and did the harvesting collectively, though each farmer only ran his own grain through the thresher - it wasn't collectivism as such, just neighbors pooling resources to help each other out.

Grandpa's generation was the last one to do this. The younger farmers all bought their own combines and did their own harvesting, and... each went into debt to do so. Hm. They became dependent on a lender to become independent of their neighbors. Trading interdependence - for independence, but with dependence, too.. Grandpa's was also the last generation who did barn-raisings when a new farm family was starting out near them, or a fire had destroyed a neighbor's barn. They pitched in, gave of themselves, and knew - knew! - that their neighbors would do the same for them.

My Dad wasn't a farmer, rather a cheesemaker turned insurance salesman. But he had a similar idea about insurance that he shared with me as a teenager when I was wondering what I ought to do in life. He told me about why insurance was such a good thing, a humanitarian thing. It went back to the fraternal mutuals and the little town mutuals and why they were formed - to spread the risk. Everybody gave a little to protect against a lot. One kind sold life insurance and one fire insurance. But they were companies *not* owned by stockholders, *not* run by wall street investors. They were owned by the policy-holders, the customers. And that's how they were run - like mutual benefit societies. At least... in my Dad's day they were. And even up until 2000... I had worked for one who still thought that way. Until they were bought by one who didn't.

Now even the mutual companies are trying to act like stock companies, to compete. They compete for capital, market share, customer loyalty... as if they were independent of their policyholder owners. Trading interdependence with their customers for dependence on the capital markets and independence from their policyholders. Abandoning their roots for being... modern. Sounds familiar.

This week I saw Michael Moore's new movie, Sicko - an expose' of the American health care industry... and what it says about us as a culture. I didn't intend to be moved, I didn't intend for tears to escape. Imagine! Me, once a card-carrying member of the Libertarian party, silently weeping at a Michael Moore movie. What's wrong with me? Or maybe.. what's right with me all of a sudden?

Now I admit I haven't listened to Rush in about 2 years, haven't read a publication by the Christian Coalition for probably 3 years, haven't heard a public policy statement by James Dobson for 15 months or so, haven't gotten any Republican party literature for 24 months or more... so I don't know what I *should* be thinking about this movie, have no idea what the party line is these days.

But I do know this:

I'm sick of what modern American capitalism has done to my Dad's idea of insurance as a mutual benefit concept started by a bunch of farmers, the very same people who used to build each others' barns and harvest each others' fields, like my Grandpa did. Is there a company out there anymore who remembers the way it used to be? When people did good to one another with no expectation of (or... lust for) profit? If I'm a conservative... then THAT'S what I want to conserve. People giving up a little from their plenty to make sure that those who were hurting didn't hurt too much. And THAT'S who I want to work for.. somebody who gets that.

After all, isn't that what mutuality means? 2 Corinthians 8:13-15 says:

"Our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality. At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. Then there will be equality, as it is written: 'He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little.' "

Oooh, that Paul. He must have been one of those Godless liberals to talk that way..

The unemployed life

Here's a typical day from my week alone this week:

Dinner of cheesy bratwurst and a salad of cubed colby, fresh roma tomatoes, cut up with baby zucchini sliced up fresh from the farmers market, dessert of fresh blackberries in blackberry yogurt w/ reddiwhip topping

Open 6 year old homemade chianti.. mmm

Watch The Count of Montecristo on Family Channel

Stay up late watching Casino Royale - again

Finish the bottle of wine opened at dinner (who am I saving it for?)

Sleep (Benadryl helps) 'till I wake up

Blog & email

Coffee (2) and protein bar (1) for breakfast

Shower, shave, dress (so to speak)

Talk to recruiter by phone

Read current fiction book

Water lawn, take out garbage

Lunch of a sandwich (pickle/pimento loaf with muenster cheese and miracle whip on wheat), bread and butter pickle spears, low-carb chocolate milk, vitamins & medicine.

Get car gassed & washed, go to post office

Check messages, return phone calls

Finish contents of coffee pot, make ahead for morning

Surf the net

Wonder where I'll end up next

repeat ad infinitum (or at least.. that's how it seems)

Going in circles

Last night, teaching class, I had an insight into a problem that the group was struggling with. It had to do with maximizing the area inside a rectangular enclosure. Sort of on the fly, I illustrated on the board how any geometric shape with a given perimeter will have a greater area inside that perimeter the closer it comes to looking like a circle. A long, narrow rectangle will have a smaller area than a square one will, given the same total outside measurements. Then I said - take the same outside measurements, and shape the figure into a circle, and you get an even greater inside area. Oooh... it works. Try this at home, kids! You'll see. :)

So what does this have to do with anything? Not too much, I guess, but.. it's an example of how I have fun in the classroom. :) Just as in singing jazz in a club, or in leading worship, I practice my teaching ahead of time, but enjoy improvising in the moment to have a greater impact. It's kind of similar to a performance. I want to connect with the "audience", help them appreciate the material, and if changing styles or delivery does that...

Circles. Something else about circles..

Oh, yeah. I heard a quote the other day. Kind of eastern-y but it sort of works. It goes something like: "life is a circle: you're sometimes at the top, sometimes at the bottom, but always in motion." Hm.

Does it seem to any of you that there are seasons in life where the movement from top to bottom, or the motion in general, seems to happen really fast? That's what it's felt like for the last month. Top to bottom in a real hurry. Two years ago, the same thing. Seven years ago, the same thing. The way down happens quickly.

But the way back up to the top of the circle goes pretty slow. Maybe instead of a circle, maybe life is like one long roller-coaster ride. Some long pulls up to the heights, fast and scary runs to the bottom, some freakishly high-speed curves, and some slow straight stretches where you can just regroup and remember where your stomach for all this went to.

Is this just my life? Or is everybody's life like this? Are there people whose life is more like a kayak trip in a river, going at their own pace, paddling when they feel like it, drifting at other times, pulling to shore and having a picnic lunch and a nap before they get back in and keep going? Can anybody relate to that kind of life?

Oh, I know, even the kayakers will encounter some narrow places in the river, some rocks, some rapids.. and they may get wet, overturn, pick up some bruises.. but, mmm, those placid times of drifting and gazing, and the peaceful tenting on shore! I guess when you're stuck on the roller coaster and you get motion sickness... the slow paddling life looks pretty appealing.

I'd trade some thrills for some peace right now.

Mass

Went here this morning.

Next week here

Today's service was gentle, easy, focused on showing kindness to those who are broken. It only took the pastor about 10 words in his opening statement to cause tears to well up. He began by talking about the brokenness in the world around us, and.. in each of us.. and that was it. Here we go again. :)

I suppose it was set up by the gathering song and the first two verses:

God of day and God of darkness, now we stand before the night.
As the shadows stretch & deepen, come and make our darkness bright.
All creation still is groaning for the dawning of your might.
When the Sun of peace and justice fills the earth with radiant light.

Still the nations curse the darkness, still the rich oppress the poor.
Still the earth is bruised and broken by the ones who still want more.
Come and wake us from our sleeping, so our hearts cannot ignore
All your people lost and broken, all your children at our door.



Though so many things are still unfamiiar, I felt more comfortable this time, remembering some of the responses, prayers, creeds. I still don't know when to kneel, etc. - so I don't. Got confused during the Eucharist part, as they served some people from the back - who knew to turn that way? But mmm.. it was another beautiful setting, too. Oh, the windows on this sunny day! And the beautiful rose marble around the altar area... lovely.

They did something I don't recall seeing before.. maybe this happens in every parish? As they were getting ready to read (and then again after they read) the gospel for the day, they marched a big and colorful book of it around the front of the church. It was like they do in the synagogue when they march the Torah around! :) Except in the synagogue, the people can touch the Torah as it passes, and they play peppier music too. I think that would be a nice addition here.

More good songs with easy melodies, again focused on compassion and showing kindness to those around us. Many were in 3/4 tempo, which makes you feel like swaying a bit, like you're being rocked by someone loving. :) Nice. And they used The Servant Song, kind of a campfire song from the early days of the Jesus Movement back in the day - *my* day. ;) I'd forgotten it had these verses.. which felt like it was written for me to hear, expressing my need, my desire, for someone to sing this to me today:

I will hold the Christ-light for you
In the night-time of your fear.
I will hold my hand out to you -
Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping;
When you laugh, I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow,
'Til we've seen this journey through.


So... pretty much what I needed today. :)

Next week may be a lot more rollicking. I hear they have a contemporary worship band. Oooh..

Employment "At Will"

My last company made it very clear during the hiring process (and the termination process) that they are an "at will" employer. In other words, either party can terminate the relationship at any time for any reason without obligation to the other party. And I see more and more employers using this term now - it's a trend.

And it occurs to me that it's very much like another societal trend. It's like a couple living together for convenience sake. A boy and a girl move in together, share the rent, share the groceries, share the chores, share the bed... and if they happen to like each other a bit - that's a little something extra, but.. not all that necessary. They each get some help from the other, get some basic needs met (financial, domestic, physical), and the relationship - ehh, secondary.

Either party can walk at any time. If you stop getting as much as you give - it can end. No hard feelings, no strings... because no real lasting intimacy was built, no committments made, no true and selfless love shared.

That's what it has felt like at work over the last 7 years. No committment, no intimacy, no caring, no strings - no love. And I keep asking myself: why do I approach work like a love affair? Why do I want to love and be loved - at work?

I must not be as hip and modern as I think. Get with it, boy! Can't you see you're too sentimental? It's an arrangement of mutual convenience. It's not personal... it's just business.

More interviews coming

...some by phone, some on-site.

Looks like I'm definitely going to the company in Missouri for an on-site interview somewhere around the 24th, details to come from their travel planner. I'll probably be meeting with 6 different people from 9 to 2, flying down the night before, back the next afternoon. The hiring manager plus his boss will both be there, so they say this will be a one-shot deal, no need for a return visit, they'll make a decision fast. Good! No additional waiting..

And, the HR person also voluntarily brought up with my recruiter that this company also happens to have a Twin Cities branch, and would that be an option for an office if that's preferable to telecommuting? They'd still have to be convinced, of course, that I don't need to be in MO to actually do this job. Their starting position is that I'd have to be there. That dicsussion definitely follows after the on-site interview, so... no holding of breath allowed!!!

Then there are two phone interviews on Monday, one with a company in Central Wisconsin (no, not the one I used to work for), and one with a company with positions in Nebraska. I just got the job descriptions on those, and haven't reviewed them yet. Too much to think about today!

I think a visit to the theatre to see Harry Potter is what's in order for tonight, before D disappears for 10 days. A little escapism now and then is a healthy thing..

More Twists and Turns

on path A, at least.

This is peculiar.

The day after one job possibility dries up... another surfaces, and fast. The recruiter called and said "I ran your resume by so and so at such and such a company, and... he'll call you at 4:45 today. Can you be ready?" Woah! Okay...

He called, we talked, the role seems to be a good fit with my background, he wants someone very independent and confident, and... the oddest part... they are open to me telecommuting from here vs. their Missouri office, as long as I would be willing to travel there often for face time.

Wow. What do I do with this? Does this mean we can stay in this house? Keep unpacking? Continue with school plans as they were when we moved here? Yikes!

So this morning, the recruiter calls and says "they want you to come down for interviews the week of the 23rd. And did you know they have a Twin Cities branch you could work out of, too?" Um... no.

Okay, my head is spinning right now. Calm down, calm down.

Path A takes a turn

...in the woods today, to a road less traveled - by me, anyway. The company I'd been interviewing with stopped the process and is going to try to develop someone internally into the role they were interviewing me for.

Just goes to show you that what I said about recruiters being paid to be optimistic is true. Optimism for the sake of optimism doesn't produce anything tangible. If your optimism isn't based on something sound... it's really just so much wishful thinking.

So, now - no active "same career" positions to pursue. There are inquiries being made, possiblities, ideas... but no interviews lined up. Path A is heading into the heavy brush, it appears.

No updates on Path B other than I felt very at home and comfortable teaching class last night. We'll see how at home I feel grading papers and preparing quizzes today...

My first class

as an adjunct professor was tonight.

It was...

fun! :)

I wasn't prepared for all the questions that came up, but I knew the material well enough to improvise, and... connect. :) I saw the light bulb come on over peoples' heads and it felt great. First night jitters weren't too bad, and the 4 hour class went smoothly. I liked it a lot. I felt both in control of the classroom and at ease with the students. And I especially liked the time where students did work in class, and I ... collected my wits, thought about the next topics, and.. even checked my email. :)

The students ranged in age from about early 20s to 50ish, in occupations from being in the family bakery business to insurance marketing to data processing to the National Guard, all looking to improve themselves by getting their bachelor's degree. When I asked what the last time was that they were in a math class, the lone female revealed her age by joking with one guy who said "1982" by saying.. "woah, I wasn't even born yet!"

And of course, the only woman in the class was also the only one who called for the teacher to "come help me?" and cooed "gee, have you always been so good at math?" Yeah, well... don't try that "I'm just a girl" stuff on me! ;) I know too many actuaries who are female..

So, a good first night behind the podium, and now I'm really looking forward to next week! Even with papers to grade and a quiz to prepare. :) It even felt good to have dress clothes on again... never thought I'd say that!

Itty-bitty

Still browsing around for churches to attend. Two weeks ago it was a small church (40 attending?), meeting in a city hall auditorium two blocks from the house. Today it was even smaller (20 or so), meeting in what sort of looks like a cross between an old Elks club and an abandoned dentist's office, in an east side urban neighborhood.

Up until now, the Evangelical churches we've been to have made a point of including diversity as a priority in their mission statements, but do you think you could find someone in the chairs who was of a different demographic? Nope. But today... oh yeah.

The place seemed struggling, but... happy. :) They could use a hand, and seemed like they'd welcome ours. I'd nearly forgotten what an itty-bitty church was like. Soooo many mega- and multicampus- churches around here. Ugh. :(

The next two Sundays I'm on my own, so... probably will continue my exploration of the Catholic worship experience. I've been to the cathedral and the basilica and an urban parish where they do the Latin mass... time for something more run-of-the-mill and local now, to see what the regular neighborhood parishes are like.

Clueless and dripping

that's how I'll be this weekend.

It's supposed to be 95 and humid today and tomorrow, sticky-icky, w/lows in the 70s. So I'll be holed up in my lower level lounge just like a troll..

Ooooh! I know! I'll surface occasionally to see who's on the "Live Earth" concert on cable. Mmmm... just saw the Black Eyed Peas from London. Oh, they're my favorite. ;) Riiiight. Wait, wait! Ludacris is on! Even better! And now... it's AFI. Love the hair, dude. And the lip ring. mmhmm. Oh oh - a switch to London... and we have... The Pussycat Dolls. Hmmmm. I think I have a new favorite group. :P

Well, it's either that or Wimbeldon.. or the US Senior Men's Open from Whistling Straits in Kohler.. or the Dirty Dozen on AMC tonight.. sooooo many choices.

So that's the dripping part - or rather, trying to avoid dripping.

For the clueless part, still no feedback from the second phone interview except from my recruiter and she's paid to be positive, so I can pretty much ignore her comments like "Oh, don't worry... they really like you!" Yeah. Lots of people have - who I don't work for. :) So.. I have to wait until Monday to see if I get an invite to interview with them in person. Still the only thing in the Path A pipeline.

On Path B, the student housing person called - all the 3 bedroom campus apartments are taken, and did I want a 2 bedroom? Well... yeah. Occupancy August 20, with the lease coming next week, and then two weeks to pay the security deposit. So I have two weeks to figure out which mystery account of mine has the money for that.

Next week Monday I teach my first class as an adjunct professor. Hm. Maybe that can pay for the security desposit... 7 weeks from now. Hm. Anyway, it should be interesting to get into the classroom with bright and shining faces for 4 hours. :) Oh, yeah, they're adult commuter students.. how about tired and wrinkled faces? ;)

The school where I'm enrolled needs adjunct professors, too, I learned yesterday - for their undergrad programs. I inquired, they responded, asked for my resume (or as they say in academe, my curriculum vita), so I wait for that. The part-time jobs I applied for ... still waiting. WIll followup next week. The jobs D applied and interviewed for.. still waiting. Next week, too.

So.. I spend the weekend being clueless. And dripping.

Next week, it's supposed to cool off. That's one down.

For the other one... can I just get a clue, please?

Calling vs. Vocation?

Is there such as thing as a calling?

You hear it talked about mostly in terms of a "call to ministry", as in to be a pastor or priest, or maybe a call to be a missionary, or some other kind of role in a religious setting, as long as it's vocational. Plus, if you want to be ordained as a minister, there's usually some review of your credentials and training, and some kind of panel you must go in front of and convince them of your fitness for the role, including your "calling."

But in the Bible, the only vocational religious workers were the priests in the Old Testament or the apostles/missionaries in the New. Most of those serving in leadership roles in the church were unpaid volunteers who had other jobs. Paul even set the example for that with his tentmaking. Somehow the church evolved over time to having lots of paid "pastoral staff." Why? Is the idea of having a "calling" really all that Biblical?

In the church, there are lots of different ways people are gifted by God for service. Having those gifts (even the ones like teaching and leadership and prophecy and shepherding and evangelism) don't necessarily require that you have to do them as your full-time occupation and earn your living at them for it to count. So why should there need to be a sense of "calling" at all? Isn't it instead a question of how God has gifted you?

Must it be religious at all? Don't we hear people talking about "calling" in another sense? Have you heard people say that they were called to be a teacher, or a nurse? Can you be "called" to a vocation at all? And if you can be, could you be called to *any* vocation, not just a "helping" one? Can you be called to raise cattle for God? Called to the accounting ministry? Called to a life of service as a politician? Can you be called to serve God as a professional wrestler?

And if there is such a thing as a calling in a vocational sense, then isn't there a calling for everyone? Eph. 2:10 comes to mind - don't we all have good works that God has prepared in advance for us to do? Isn't that our calling? Put another way, isn't your "calling in life" really just a combination of your aptitude, skills, preferences and motivations, all of which God gives you or develops in you over time? And if your skills, preferences and motivations change over time, does your "calling" change, too?

Maybe to make it even simpler, if skills & aptitude can be called "giftedness" and preferences & motivations can be called "desire", isn't your calling, your "mission in life", that place where your giftedness and desire meet?

If I have desire to do a thing but am not gifted for it, can it really be my calling? Sounds like the opening rounds of American Idol. After some quick laughs at my ineptitude, I'll get sent home pretty quickly.

In the same way, can something be my calling if I am gifted for it, but it makes me want to run screaming in the other direction? Sounds like the reluctant prophet Jonah. Hm. Perhaps it would be best for the crew right now, perhaps the seas would get calmer, if I got thrown off the ship..

So, if there is such a thing as a "calling" - do I have one? And what is it, exactly? I have lots of different skills and aptitudes. I also know what my preferences and motivations are. Hm. Too bad that place where they intersect doesn't pay very well...

On the other hand.. does my desire - my preferences and motivations - really have anything to do with the good works God has planned for me to do? Does my desire always line up with His plan? No.

If I have a variety of gifts - my aptitudes and skills - then maybe there are a variety of good works for me to do, too. Fine. Just... which set of gifts do I take on as a vocation? If not where they intersect with desire... then wouldn't I need an overriding "push" from God to choose contrary to desire? Perhaps that's a "calling" in a sense? A push from God to work contrary to my desire - for a larger purpose?

Okay, so ... push me then. Otherwise...

Step Three? (on path A)

Just finished a second phone interview with a large privately held brokerage firm re: a job running their quantitative analysis department. It went well enough to prompt the EVP I spoke with to say that he would have his HR people send me some links to do some on-line "testing." Fun! Yuk..

Step three would be a trip in to their headquarters (where the job would also be housed - an 8 hour drive away from here) for a round of interviews with other people who would contribute to the hiring decision. I have no idea how soon that would happen. A week? Three? I also have no idea yet if the fit would be a good one. I know I could do the work, but ... the people and culture? Too soon to say.

No other interviews (in my field) in the pipeline, although my recruiter is chasing some down. In the meantime (on path B), the realtor comes Thursday to talk about listing the house. I'm still waiting on news from the financial aid dept. of the Seminary here, and D has applied for a job at the university on which she's also awaiting word. Maybe a tuition discount could emerge from that?

Stay tuned. More news when I have it.

Down to two options

neither of which keeps us in the new house. :(

After some serious discussion, some financial modeling, and many mutual tears... we agree we have to sell the new house. We call the realtor upon our return. Either we are moving to a new community to "follow the money" in the same career path and the corresponding lifestyle and goals (path A), or..

we are emptying every asset category, to zero out all debt (and savings) and start again, as if we were going on the mission field or something that drastic, in order to send me to grad school full time (path B) and change careers (to something that will eventually pay 1/4 as much but may be more rewarding in other ways.)

Either way... we sell the house and repack.

All avenues in between those two extremes have been reviewed, judged, and found wanting. What we don't know yet is... which one of these "extremes" do we choose? Which path do we go down?

In the meantime, we put the house on the market, we apply for financial aid, convert the 401K to something we can raid if needed, and keep applying for work in our respective fields/markets. And... we pray. Maybe in 4-6 weeks, we'll know a direction again. Of course, there was a time not too many weeks ago where we thought we knew exactly what that was...