You're *how* old? No way...

Yes, way!



I found myself having this internal conversation this morning as I was washing up:

> Look at you. You're 51 years old.

~ I am not.

> Are too.

~ No way! I don't care what it looks like on the outside. On the inside I'm not even 30 yet!

> You are so full of it. Why can't you accept this? You are *not* in your twenties anymore.

~ Yeah, but even the mirror should tell you that I'm in nearly the best shape of my life, except for that brief window in college..

> You looked verrrrry different in college.

~ Okay.. I was scrawny then. I'm more muscular now: I can chin myself for the first time ever. And so my hair is distributed a little differently. ;) So what? I can run faster and longer now than I could in high school! Did you check my mile run time yesterday?

> You mean you can't see any "other" changes that have happened since college?

~ Sure I can! But.. you're implying they're all bad! Some are really good changes. The wrinkles by the eyes, for instance. ;)

> Oh, right. Except the eyes don't focus like they used to, do they?

~ Hey. Lots of people need glasses - even when they're young. Gosh-o-Pete, dipstick! Where's your sense of humor?? :) Remember Sinatra's "Man in the Looking Glass" from his "September of My Years"?

> He *had* to sing that one, stupid, just for some comic relief! Otherwise he would have cried through the whole "getting old" album. I think you're fooling yourself, knothead. Your body isn't the same, and what's more.. you are different inside, too. C'mon.. admit it..

~ Oh, dry up! Killjoy.. Give me a sec to think of a snappy comeback.

> Take your time. I know you don't think as fast as you used to..

~ &$*% $#^!

> Hm. Maybe you are still a child.

~ Alright, how about my increased vitality vis-a-vis my 40's? Clearer recognition of my limits vis-a-vis my 30's? And the increased softness of the heart vis-a-vis my 20's?

> Wellll.. you're softer all right. I don't have to remind you of where. Take your pick.




At this point, we *both* took a time out, and I started to think about how it is that you change.. without changing. It may be mostly in how you view life differently, how you react to life differently, from a vantage point of 30 years later.

I think that in my twenties I looked at life as an onrushing tide. It just kept coming, and I was still learning how to swim. Metaphorically, of course. I still can't swim in real life. Hm. Maybe there's a connection..

Anyway, I was focused then on trying to be what I thought an adult should be, handling my responsibilities, trying to function without a lot of help from others, trying to get ahead a little bit, save some money, get a car that would stop breaking down all the time, buy a decent recliner instead of that grungy Salvation Army thing I had in college. You know, just.. grow up. :)

And adult life was all new, and different, and unpredictable - with no parental buffer to shield me from the hardness of it. I sort of stood there fascinated by it, but helpless to stop it, and so.. just dove in and tried to swim, with an attitude of "C'mon, life.. let's go! I might as well see what you're all about. No sense just standing here. Show me what you've got."

Now, after seeing almost everything life has to offer, good and bad, sometimes two, three, nine or fourteen times over.. I don't embrace the onrushing tide as much, even though it does still keep on coming - it doesn't stop. But I kind of want to get up on the dock more often and just try to observe it, pull together those observations, and ... make sense of it! :)

I want to *understand* life now. Back then I just wanted to live it and get on with the process of mastering adulthood. Now I want to know WHY things are the way they are. Then I just wanted to do it the way you were supposed to. Now I want to know if what I *thought* was correct.. really is. Are there alternatives to how I lived that I didn't consider, but might have? And possibly.. still can?

It's not so much "am I doing this the right way or the wrong way?" as it is "have I made a positive difference to anyone? Can I still?" At this age, I wonder *why* I'm doing what I'm doing, and what really matters? Back in the day, I was pretty much already convinced of what really mattered, even though I hadn't yet lived it to know for myself. But, I sure set out to try.

So yeah.. I'm different inside *and* out. I've changed.

But.. for the worse? Or for the better?

Would I go back to my twenties and live them again? Noooo. No way. Not unless I could take my current mind (and heart) back with me. The current body.. oh.. I guess you can keep it. I'll, um... grow into it again later. :)

In the meantime it's time for some strength training. They say you lose muscle as you age. But hey.. not if I can help it!