Who's Got The Monkey?

Waaaaay back in the early 90's, a couple of work buddies of mine (one of whom was even more competitive and ambitious and cocky than I was - the snot!) and I used to joke about getting the monkey to jump.

The idea was, when someone had a work problem, and didn't want to deal with it, they looked for someone either more junior than they (or more of a sucker for a sad tale) to see if they could get the monkey to jump off their back and onto the other person's.

If they were successful, then the person who took on the responsibility (wound up with the monkey) was the loser, and the person who got rid of the difficult assignment (got the monkey to jump) was the winner. It was a status thing.

Jeff always seemed to have a knack for getting the monkey to jump off of him, or for avoiding the monkey someone else was jettisoning. Me.. I got the monkey a fair amount. Softie.. :( Jeff's out of that career now, doing what he wants to do, and I'm... still plugging away.

So due to some very difficult circumstances this week, in the life of someone close to me, I got to thinking about this idea again. And I wondered.. does this same thing apply in people's personal lives?

Sure. It's kind of what the victim mentality is all about. My problems are really someone *else's* fault and *they* should take the blame. My stresses should be borne by someone else because they're too much for me, and if they don't take on my problem, they don't really love me.

As I talk with Dr. Shrink-wrap, he sometimes takes me back to my parents, my brother.. and I would love to think that yes, how I am today is all their fault, and they should own up to it and help me fix things now. If they loved me, they'd see that.

But, of course, in about 2 seconds I dump that whole idea because..

they're all dead.

What are they gonna do?

Neither admit fault nor render assistance, that's for sure.

Nor are the kids who were so brutal to me in jr. & sr. high, or the employers in whom I mistakenly placed my trust. All past and gone - no relationships left.

So who has to deal with how things are?

Me.

And that's okay. That's how it should be.

But for those who still have parents around, siblings around, or spouses or old lovers or old friends or past teachers or previous bosses or whomever may have hurt them.. should they be trying to get their monkeys to jump, just because these people are still living?

Of course not. They should see themselves in the same situation as one whose past is.. truly.. past and done. As mine is. They should play the hand they've been dealt and make the best of it they can, not ask someone else to play it for them.

I have certainly learned in the last few years that no one will play my hand for me, live my life for me, protect my interests at every turn.. nor should they. That's my place to do, not theirs. It's my monkey, not theirs. And FTM, I say..

The corollary to that is, though (and this is what's hard for me to remember), is that if I shouldn't be trying to get my monkeys to jump, neither should I agree to play someone else's hand, live someone else's life, protect someone else's interests at every turn.. for really, someday, I won't be here.. and then who will deal with life for them?

There's a point at which we all need to grow up, and deal with our own monkeys.. but not by getting them to jump to someone else.

Help I'll give, but I won't take ownership.