Sugar withdrawals

Once in a while Dr. Shrink-wrap comes up with a good tip for me for coping with loss in the short run, or with an analogy to help me think about loss differently in the long run. His coping tips have certainly been helpful, and I've put them to good use. He said again that I've made very good progress since last visit (a month ago.) Feels that way to me, too. Mostly.

So yesterday we started the process of digging a bit more into what's going on *underneath* the sense of loss - what is it exactly that I am missing so much, and why is my reaction to a loss so *big*? What need am I really trying to meet, and why is the need so overwhelming that a loss in that area would have such an impact?

I've been pestering him to get to this kind of analysis, and he's finally starting to. I think he wanted to help me with the day-to-day business of hanging on and surviving, first. And that seems more in hand now. So.. here we go - on to the deeper issues. :) Fun! (really - especially for a guy who always wants to know the "why" of things.)

We kicked around a variety of topics, sort of reviewed the vast panorama of my needs and losses, and tried several analogies on for size to help us both understand what all of that feels like to me, and maybe how to deal with it. One of them clicked. Since I have fought latent diabetes, poorly functioning insulin, and sugar intolerance for years now, we landed on that one.

I have sugar cravings. Always have. I remember during my years of studying for actuarial exams after work, I would prowl the meeting room wing of my former office building for leftover doughnuts from the day's meetings, that the cleaning people hadn't gotten to yet. When I found some, it was a genuine high; I felt so good and really wanted to apply myself to study. When I didn't find any, I was depressed and wanted to quit studying altogether. The more I allowed myself to have sweets, though.. the more I wanted them and began to depend on them. :( And, when I eventually went on a sugar fast for two weeks, it was just awful, but.. the cravings lessened considerably. The *need* was lessened.

Just like my body doesn't properly process sugar, and I have to work around that problem with diet (reducing sugar intake) and medication (to assist my insulin in doing its job), so my personality, as it's developed over the years, doesn't process certain emotional inputs properly, either. I need help in dealing with the disappointment that hits when emotional needs aren't met the way I want them to be, or when I lose the main source of how the need used to get met, whether the loss is forced on me by circumstances, or by my voluntarily choosing to get some distance from it. I also have to figure out ways to lessen the need, to reduce the emotional "craving".

Yuk. Reminds me of giving up sugar. It was nasty, didn't feel good at the time, but.. I did feel healthier afterwards, and more.. in control.

I hate the thought of it already. But.. let's get on with it, shall we?