Drunken Sine Wave

Vacillation.

After being "Mr. Steady" for so many years, rarely varying emotionally, I now roll like a ship in heavy seas from side to side, seemingly listing so much some days that I fear I will capsize. But the rolling isn't measurable and periodic. It's random (or at least appears so to me; I'm sure if I studied it objectively - ha, as if I *could* - it would be driven by many knowable things.)

It feels like a sine wave - up and down, up and down - but with constantly varying amplitude and periodicity. And not only from day to day, but several times within a day. Yesterday was one of those. I felt compassion for D who was coming down sick, quick to relieve her of our planned responsibilities of having guests over, picking up with dinner, playing doctor, etc.

But then feeling such irritation at having my study and yardwork plans for the day disrupted by furniture movers arriving, fear at having to go to the dentist to get antibiotics for an abscess (probable root canal), and then being annoyed at falling behind in studying. :( What a lousy attitude. Ick.

Excited at new music discovered on iTunes, happy with a haiku that flew to mind fully formed while driving, humbled at Mass over the still-crushing burden of sin, rejoicing at the mercy of God renewed in my mind again in the Mass, despairing to wonder if the hardness of life will ever pass from me, hopeful at the priest discussing his own renewal of faith after several years in the priesthood.

The priest was a guest this week, here for a week of Parish Mission (whatever that is.) I went up and talked to him afterwards. He had mentioned in his homily that he had been a priest for 30 years. His current emphasis in ministry is working with addictions. Later he explained that he has now been sober himself for 21 years! Of course I did the math. It meant he was an addict (alcohol and drugs) for the first 9 years of his priesthood! My goodness..

I asked him if the found that struggling with his undesirable behavior also gave him a deeper insight into who God was. He said "definitely!", and that his addiction was what ultimately brought him to God. That the daily struggle between his fight against wrong behaviors and his desire to lead a life that pleased God was what made him the most aware of, and open to, God's mercy and grace.

Amen, brother. I'm right there with you. For different reasons, yes.. but I'm right there.

So is my life is like a drunken sine wave these days? Oh, I don't know. Maybe there's a better way of looking at it.

The pastor this morning said this: "we seriously overestimate what we can accomplish in a year; but we seriously underestimate what we can accomplish in 20 years." I get that. I can't change overnight. But over years? Sure.

If you graph the Dow Jones Industrial Average over the short run, I guess it looks pretty drunken, too. :) But looked at over decades.. it's easy to see that the long-term trend is up.

Maybe mine will be, too. Even if right now the ship keeps rolling and rolling and rolling..