Uff-da!

Oh, yah, da polka mass, you betcha. :)

It was... like nothing else. Ever.

A 3 piece combo: clarinet/sax, concertina, and drums. Hawaiian shirts, 55+ all. And until you've sung the Agnus Dei to an oom-pa beat, and the Responsorial Psalm in Polish.. you haven't lived. "Gdzie wschodzi slonce, I kedy zapada, niechaj swiat Boska, chwale opowiada." it says.

Oh yeah? Same to you, buddy.

But what it really reminded me of, with that clarinet and the 1-2-3-hop, 1-2-3-hop rhythm, was.. Klezmer! Really. It was almost Yiddish. Especially when they were marching the Gospels around the altar to the sound of a wailing clarinet. Oy! Such pagentry you never saw!

Apparently, according to the handout, the first polka mass was held in 1973 in the Iron Range of Minnesota, for the Croatian and Slovenian workers there, and it spread to other "polka centers" (you know who you are) around the country.

Yeah well, I don't know how far it spread, but all I can say is the place was packed, and the priest's first comment after his welcoming greeting was.. "My goodness, is it Christmas already?

I don't know.. it was a little.. cheesy. :) Cute, yes.. but I'm not sure you want the Mass to be.. cute. I'll be glad when the cantor is back next week.

And after another week on the road in KC... I'll be glad to be back home. Bon Voyage!

Riding in the dark

My buddy from Nashotah, the Lutheran/Baptist/Catholic/Episcopal soldier/politician/pastor/professor, came up last night for a seminar downtown this weekend. I grilled a nice filet of salmon (in tinfoil with olive oil, dill, lemon & capers - mmmm..), broke open a Wollersheim Prairie Fume', and talked a little theology. Fun!

We also talked about the American Anglican church (read: Episcopal) as a potential spot for me to continue exploring.. sacramental, but reformation-based. Maybe. We'll see. :)

Then D & I went out for coffee, a long talk, and bike shopping. Happy birthday(s)! :) Found a pair of matching his/her Schwinns at Target for $99 each. Cute! Just right for putting around the neighborhood.

The tires were low, and rather than stuff both of them in the back of the Jeep and risk scratching them all up so soon, we went to the gas station a block away, filled up the tires, and I rode mine home the 3 miles or so, at 9:00 at night. Flying downhill in the dark, with only the occasional street light or car headlights to help me see was kind of a thrill. :) Yeah, I know.. simple pleasures for simple people..

I had forgotten that when you ride bike, you don't realize you're getting hot, because of the breeze in your face. But when you stop... whoo... I was working! Anyway, it felt good to ride in the dark. Even if the seat *was* about a foot too low.

When you don't want to get up..

.. how do you motivate yourself to?

First real struggle this morning with telecommuting. :(

Somehow when you have an office and co-workers to go to, you learn to put a mask on your personal issues and just move forward. You know.. cover up what's bothering you.. keep up public appearances.

But what about when you're alone in the house and can't think about work because of what else is on your mind?

How do you put the mask on.. with yourself?

The working chef

So today I discovered that I can cook while working. Well, sort of. At least I could lay out the ingredients, make a dash to the store for an extra red onion while on my lunch hour, thaw some vegetable stock, and think about when I'd have to start chopping veggies. I worked, and sort of took 5 minute breaks every hour to puddle around in the kitchen, thinking about dinner, getting a plan in my head.

Then at 4:30.. I start chopping onion. Should I cry more with red onions than with yellow? Hmm.. not as bad as with shallots though! Bake the red onion in olive oil at 425 while I chop the yellow ones and the carrots, celery, cloves of garlic, etc.. then cook all that with the cumin and fennel and olive oil in the stockpot..

But back down to the office to answer a few last minute emails, save a couple of spreadsheets, log off the in-house IM application (that is nice, by the way..) and knock off for the day (5:10 or so) and back to cooking in earnest. :)

Time to add the vegetable stock and the lentils.. and then some off-recipe stuff. Shhhh... it's a secret. ;) Mmmmm.. simmer away.. make dessert.. grill some sausage.. ready by 6! Good planning. And yowza! What soup! :) I'm glad I didn't have to completely give up cooking when I started back to work.

And tonight, study for TS501 begins - I'll stop for a new episode of Mad Men on AMC, of course. Then another hour of John Calvin, his various opponents, and that last sip of wine. Sweet.

RCIA

Well.

Also pretty interesting.

My first class for the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults was tonight (although as Sister Penny said, maybe it should be *Catholic* Initiation, since most everyone going through this is already a Christian of one stripe or another. Of the four of us "candidates", three were there because they married a Catholic. Not me! And all of those were Lutherans. Not me! Not anymore, anyway.)

It was quite unlike my first class of TS501 yesterday. The only similarity was the time spent in introductions and sharing. And yet, I can see already that this will be stimulating and disturbing also, just.. not at an intellectual level, so much as at an emotional one.

Something as simple as Sr. Penny going over the schedule of classes, the various rites (of Welcome, Sending, Election), a list of topics, and the many events of Holy Week.. wow. I realized that either I am going to take this seriously and engage honestly the material and the rituals, such as the Sacrament of Reconciliation (aka Confession), confronting it (and letting it confront me), or I have no business being in the classes.

I found myself a little nervous about what I might experience emotionally as I go through this. Even a brief description of the preparations for Initiation made me think about what that Easter Vigil service may be like for me. It could well be as powerful as my Evangelical conversion experience was at 16, but more of a slow buildup to the climactic moment of anointing, rather than the sudden, jolting thunderclap that was my teenage conversion.

Anyway, the whole notion of it gave me pause. Do I want to start down this path? I guess I already have started, but I mean.. once I begin, will I be able (or even want) to resist the conclusion?

I have two weeks to think about it, since I'm in KC again all next week. And when I come back to class, the topic will be.. conversion. How appropriate.

TS501

Well.

That was pretty interesting..

My first class in Systematic Theology I. Oof. This will be both stimulating and worrisome, I can see it already. There's a whole world of ideas that I haven't heard of, many more which I have heard of but don't understand well, and a bunch that I do grasp but don't necessarily trust in the way I used to.

Good teacher. I like him. He is open to the ideas of others, but will gently guide their thinking when it's incomplete. And the man knows his subject well enough to extemporize and shift gears to accomodate discussion, with appropriate examples to clarify.

Ha - he even provided an answer for us to tell people when they ask "well, what did you learn?" I can confidently say with the rest of the class, that tonight I apprehended the differences and the interplay between the neumena and phenomena of Immanuel Kant, epistemologically speaking. :)

Oh yeah, that. What you just said there. Yup. I'm all about that.

The creepy part was that the thing I have been angry at God about for a few years now is pretty much exactly the dilemma Kant articulated, the disconnect between the way things really are in their essence, and our limited knowledge of them via experience (or lack of same.) Example: who God really is, and how we understand Him (or rather, fail to) through our mind and senses.

I have found myself focusing on knowing other things (and people) that I *can* experience, hoping they will substitute for the God Whom I cannot experience. Not the best idea - it gets confusing. And if God is essentially unknowable in His essence... what good are my 5 senses for anything but, as Solomon says, the enjoyment of life, a.k.a. seeking pleasure?

Kierkegaard apparently had the definitive response to Kant, which is: faith! Well.. okay so far.. but then he said that faith has no ground other than in itself otherwise it wouldn't be faith, which I think is just so much horse hockey. But what do I know?

So anyway, here I thought I had an original idea. So much for that notion. Solomon's right again: "there's nothing new under the sun." Hm. Least of all my puny ideas. :)

I'm up!

The cable guy finally left at 5:15 after two hours of poking around, drilling holes, calling the help desk, resetting modems, and the like. But .. it's working, and he fixed what he screwed up. I'm linked to the company's VPN! Now, tomorrow... real work. :)

Well, I *was* on a conference call today, so some real work was done, but mostly the day was spent setting up the office, making sure all items are working and connected, taking inventory of what wasn't, and getting the right people on the task of fixing it.

Took a whole 15 minutes for lunch, and a bit of a break to read a winemaking magazine while the cable guy was in my office. But I will be a good boy tonight and read a little for class tomorrow - the first couple of chapters of Calvin's "Institutes of the Christian Religion" on the subject of how it is we come to learn about God in the first place.

His initial argument is that we can only begin to know God by coming to some knowledge of ourselves, particularly our moral and emotional poverty, and our utter dependence on our surroundings and other persons to survive. So far I buy what he says, that the greater our awareness of our limitations, the more we are receptive to knowledge of God. Ha - based on that logic, I should be the most receptive guy on the planet when it comes to God.. ;)

And then another episode of Ken Burns' new PBS special.. the rest of the bottle of red Zinfandel.. and off to bed. A good day. :)

Here we go..

..the first week of telework.

Hm.

I don't know why I'm so nervous about this, but.. I am.

Will I meet expectations? Will I learn fast enough? Will I work hard enough? Will I work too much? Will I manage to handle studying, too? Will relationships suffer?

It was nice to have J2 up, have fun with college kids over for dinner, meet my Bethel professors at orientation, hear a good band, go to Mass and church, run this morning (in cooler weather), then work with D both outside and inside today to get things in order in yard and office, and finally chill to pizza and beer and Ken Burns' new PBS special. It was a good weekend of non-work activities in between last week's orientation and this week's practical application of it.

Should I worry about my performance? No, of course not. :) Worry accomplishes nothing. I just wish I was more confident that I can do this well. It's rare that I've had a job where I feel this tentative about my success at it. I know I have the knowledge..

But.. I'm very unsure of myself nonetheless. :( I still feel like my world is unstable, and there's another shock around the corner, another loss, just waiting to catch me feeling a little better, and then.. knock the legs out from under me again.

How do I keep from anticipating failure and loss, when it's been so routine for me in recent years, months, weeks? Maybe I'll ask Dr. Shrink-wrap this week, and see what he says. He was right last time..

Gambling in the Elevator

Home. :)

How good it feels. And how strange to find that this house, this town, this area.. is beginning to feel like home, after such a short time.

For the longest time, I had no idea where home was. But, for some reason.. this one is growing on me. Now if I can just figure out where *work* is, in this place that is becoming home.

Should be a nice weekend. J2 is up, with roomie in tow. My new student orientation at grad school is on Saturday, plus college kids we know are coming over for dinner in the evening, too. And Mass.. and church.. Busy! But that's good - a different kind of busy than the rest of this week. Whew..

Ran last night, in the oppressive heat, and made it through the mile loop! Not a bad time, either.. But as I was heading in afterwards, I noticed through the glass walls of the elevator this man and woman walking down my hallway talking. They seemed to know each other.

But then, as I got off the elevator, there was an exaggerated distance between them, and all of a sudden he pretended not to know her. "After you, Miss." he said as they got on. Hmm.. fishy..

Then, as I walked down the hallway, I turned back to look, and sure enough.. he had his hands all over her! She's facing away from me, but he looks up, sees me watching, and winks, as if to say: "Hey, buddy, you know the score, right?"

Yeah, I know the score. But I'm not sure you do.

You may think so, pal, but do you realize what a high-stakes game it is you're playing? Maybe you have nothing to lose, but if you're being furtive.. I'll bet you do. You really should think about not playing this particular game at all. Because in this one.. you're playing against the House, mister, and the odds.. they are *not* in your favor.

Sure, people do have streaks of luck, bad or good (after all, 3000 years ago, the author of Ecclesiastes talked about the wicked appearing to prosper and the righteous being hurt) - so a person may take risks and, with some good luck, for a while may have more than they came in with - but it's a rare person who *stops* risking before he blows everything he's gained and more besides, winding up empty-handed in the end. Nobody beats the House forever, friend. Nobody.

Anyway, home. :) It's nice. It's been a long week.

And brrrrrr.. is it cold up here! Ahhhh.. ;) Lovely.

Wearing me down already..

not in a bad way, though. Just tired.

A variety of meetings today, starting promptly at 8, some with people I've actually talked to more than once! The boss left me to my own devices in a couple of them, and is handing one to me on Monday to be there in his place (by phone, of course). This is progress.

As is getting approval to access certain servers where all the files I need happen to live! It seemed like my email asking for access went into a black hole. :( But it's always good to follow up if there's silence from someone for several days. Maybe it's *not* because they don't care about you.. there's often some other reason. It just seems like they don't care - especially if you're feeling like you're a nuisance and not all that wanted.

I know, I know, that's the insecure teenager talking, coupled with the middle-aged guy who's unceremoniously lost his job a few times.. but still.. silence feels cold sometimes, even if it's not meant to be. And the more you need their response, the worse it feels.

Okay. Enough of that.

I really need a night off. :) These 8AM command performances where all I do is take in more information are wearing on me. Think I'll go to the mall near the hotel, poke around in Borders or something, see what's new. If it weren't so darned hot, I'd run. I'm so sedentary here, I feel restless. A run would help. And maybe, hot or not, I still will. Working up a good sweat might help my mood, too.

Gossip and grouper

It was a very different day today from yesterday. I'm wrung out.

With every new job there's a state of information overload, and I've reached the point of mental exhaustion with it, but I still have 2 days to go in this orientation week. The expression "like drinking from a fire hose" sure applies.

But today the focus was not just on data and systems and jargon, but more on who's who and what pitfalls to avoid with which people. I still haven't seen an org chart yet, so it's a mystery how this place is organized, but I think I'm homing in on it.

Met another teleworker (as they call us) today who was in the office for some meetings. I'll be working with him routinely, it turns out. He's a great guy, and lives in a little burg NW of Milwaukee. We agreed to have coffee sometime when I am visiting the area - whenever that might be. He's a long-time Wisconsinite, knows my hometown well, and he gave me a few "off-the-record" tips that may come in handy, as to how to make this telecommuting thing work better when I get home. Shhhh! You didn't hear it from me.. ;)

Dinner with the boss (still no nickname yet.. have to work on that) was lovely. More office gossip (or rather, inside info on people) over a bottle of Fume' Blanc, some lobster bisque, goat cheese & kalamata olive tapenade on foccacia bread, and finally an entree' of potato-wrapped Blue Nose Grouper with creamed leeks and a wine reduction sauce. Whew. It's a wonder I could still type, back at the hotel.

The boss has a predeliction, however, for 8AM meetings. And given that my hotel is a half-hour from the office.. I am not a happy boy in the mornings. :( 8AM meetings won't be so bad if I'm still in my underwear down in the den. ;) Try not to picture that. And no, they don't provide web cams, thank God.

I belong. :)

Today was one of those days where you see signs of being official:

I got the meet and greet tour, got my ID badge, parked in the employee lot instead of the visitor lot, sat in two meetings (and was told by my boss's boss "Wow.. you're contributing already!"), found the cafeteria and mail room all by myself, ordered business cards and the corporate credit and phone cards, got on email distribution lists, and began a project list. :)

Gee.

This is good, right?

And, even better.. too busy to think. The therapist was right. It helps a little to have more to do and think about this week.. less time to focus on pain and loss.

Oh, and.. they have free coffee and tea on every floor, all day. Hm. Not a bad idea to provide your employees legal stimulants at the workplace. I do notice that the bathrooms are crowded. ;)

Whew!

One down.

First day jitters were not too bad. :)

HR stuff in the morning, lunch with boss and co-worker (hmm.. need to think up blog-y nicknames..), afternoon with IT (laptop & systems seem to work fine.) Email goes out and comes back.. so far so good.

Tomorrow, my first meeting about a work issue, so first new faces to meet (and names to forget..) plus an orientation with the telecommuting support unit leader (by phone - she also works from home), plus dinner with the boss.

Not a bad day. Looks interesting tomorrow, too. No real snags so far. Even ran this morning! Yuk. :( Too hot down here. Love that pedometer, though.. no measured running loop needed! :)

Wearing a tie today, and with a coordinated brown/brown ensemble.. I clearly overdressed. ;)

Oh,man.. so much to learn..

but so far everyone's nice. :)



And for those of you who were on prayer support yesterday and today (whether you were drafted, or volunteered without my knowledge)... thanks! Good work.

A Better Resurrection

A BETTER RESURRECTION

by: Christina Rossetti (1830-1894)

I have no wit, no words, no tears;
My heart within me like a stone
Is numb'd too much for hopes or fears;
Look right, look left, I dwell alone;
I lift mine eyes, but dimm'd with grief
No everlasting hills I see;
My life is in the falling leaf:
O Jesus, quicken me.

My life is like a faded leaf,
My harvest dwindled to a husk:
Truly my life is void and brief
And tedious in the barren dusk;
My life is like a frozen thing,
No bud nor greenness can I see:
Yet rise it shall--the sap of Spring;
O Jesus, rise in me.

My life is like a broken bowl,
A broken bowl that cannot hold
One drop of water for my soul
Or cordial in the searching cold;
Cast in the fire the perish'd thing;
Melt and remould it, till it be
A royal cup for Him, my King:
O Jesus, drink of me.

Onward

Okay.

Breathe deep..

Wipe eyes..

Square shoulders..

Lift chin..

Look forward..

Ready?



One foot in front of the other, man..

Let's go.

Therapy, schmerapy

What did I think he was going to say, anyway? Snap his fingers and just solve things? Have me recite some magic mantra that will make pain go away?

What he *did* say that I think is right to the point is that it's a good thing I will be in orientation all next week in a real office. It will make it easier to keep my mind off what's eating at me, if I am trying to assimilate a bunch of new information, and having to deal with a bunch of strange new people. Less time to think and mope. Not as easy to be in a blue funk as if I were sitting at home. A big distraction is good sometimes. Not forever, we still need to deal with it, but.. during the worst part, it can help.

Yeah, I get that. He's right. Then maybe when I'm back and starting to work, I'll feel enough of a sense of urgency to get started on my assignments and show some progress (since I'll be down there again the first week in October, the boss tells me), that there'll be little time to think.

People tell me that it works - keep yourself busy so you don't think as much. I'll try it. I haven't been busy for quite a while. And like they say about idle hands (and, I suppose, an idle mind)...

yeah.

So, this afternoon for instance, I think I'll try to busy myself with some stuff, whether I'm in the mood for it or not. Like beef tenderloin with mustard & capers sauce for dinner. Like unpacking my winemaking stuff in the basement, organizing it. Like putting up the decorative window film in the lounge (it arrived today. Cool!)

Keep busy, buddy.

And don't even think about that 7 hour drive alone on Sunday..

Anger must help you run..

or else I'm getting in better shape.

My fastest 1.5 miles yet, and no warm glistening behind my ears until the 1.2 mile mark, no annoying trickle down my collar until the last 1/4 mile. And a kick at the end, yet.

Maybe my pace was quickened by the anger. Damn this therapy for releasing it.

I'm angry at my brother for dying when he did and so much unresolved with me, for not waiting until Dad passed first as it should have been, for not taking better care of himself and living the life he did.

I'm angry at the heavens for being brass right now. Nothing is getting through, in either direction. I know, Dt. 28:33 says it will be this way, but why now? Yes, it's only been a few days since last weekend, but why now? Couldn't it have lasted a few months instead of a few days?

I'm angry at the ether for being silent & cold. Am I full of such malice that I should be shut out like this by the elements that hang the world together and link us with each other?

I'm angry at myself for all that I do and don't do, the comission and the omission, the failure and the faithlessness, the rebellion and the reaching, the discontent and the drifting.

And so I run faster, further.



I wonder if John Donne was a runner:

A HYMN TO GOD THE FATHER.
by John Donne

I.
WILT Thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin, through which I run,
And do run still, though still I do deplore?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done,
For I have more.

II.
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sin their door?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallowed in a score?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done,
For I have more.

III.
I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore ;
But swear by Thyself, that at my death Thy Son
Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore ;
And having done that, Thou hast done ;
I fear no more.




If you can hear me through the brass... forgive, take away my fear? Let me hear what I long to hear? That there is mercy in you, that you will use it, and restoration between us is possible?

Speak. My heart waits..

Why am I not excited?

about starting work?

I don't know, everything feels flat. Life feels flat. No texture, no contours, no thickness or lightness or smoothness or silkiness or roughness, no.. nothing.

Talked to the therapist again today. Still didn't use the tissue box. Close, but.. nope.

He asked how my week was. "Oh, up and down" I said. The up part was easy to talk about. My trip on Thursday/Friday was the up part. The down part was not so easy. So he made a space for me in his schedule on Friday and we'll see if I can talk about it then. I believe the tissue box will get used. :(

Most of the session today was about work/career - how I view it, what effect on my self-worth it has, rightly or wrongly, and ... well, many other things that are best left on the therapist's couch. And no, I still didn't lie down. I was on the couch but.. sitting up.

He did have a couple of helpful little suggestions. I think I'll like working with him. But I'll know better after Friday..

The rest of the time was spent on filling in family history, childhood, adolescence, and, as is normal for me, tears come when I don't expect them to. And when I talked about my brother.. I kind of lost it. Guess I hadn't realized how much his death last year still clung to me, and how upset I still was at him for what he made of his life, and for falling off that big white charger I always had him riding on as my boyhood idol.

It's pretty tough to stay on a white charger for very long. I've fallen from one often enough to know. Maybe that's why I drive a black one..

Getting nervous

... about next week. Or something.

Trying to get stuff finished up this week while I have time: doctor, dentist, vision, haircut, business phone, office stuff, blah, blah..

Edgy, restless, upset.. all day. D noticed, but I couldn't explain to her what it was, exactly..

I can't concentrate, have no appetite. Nothing tastes good.

Something seems off, but..

I don't know how to fix it. :(

Wrapping up and settling in

When I headed out on Thursday for a couple of days, I prayed for clarity (and closure, if needed) in certain unsettled areas of my life, including that last lingering job interview. Hm. It turned out to be more of a vounteer consulting assignment where I simply got my expenses covered, rather than an interview.

Still, it seemed good to help them think about what kind of person they need to hire, and I felt like I was helpful to them. Nice people.. just not ready to make a hiring decision; that may be months and months off. Too long for me to wait! They understood, and were appreciative of the time I spent with them discussing possibilities, even if those possibilities didn't include me. :)

It was a good trip all around, though. And I got the clarity I wanted. Good clarity. The kind that brings resolution and peace of heart.

So, back at the ranch.. wrapping up a few items of unfinished business. Like putting up the record racks in my lounge! :)














And, rearranging some of the decorations..







Plus, place my textbook order for Systematic Theology class, send off for a little decorative window film for the lounge windows, put down a deposit on a few winter-hardy grapevines for Spring planting.. ahhh. Nice to know where I'll be for a while, and can finish getting settled.

Now, only one more week of unemployment! A few more exotic meals to cook, winemaking equipment to unpack and arrange, one last test to correct so I can turn in grades that are due this week, and.. order some new home-office furniture and supplies from the on-line catalog my new company emailed to me.

Getting ready for a long steady stretch coming up, on many fronts, I hope. Long, steady, and.. happy? That'd be nice. :)

Unpack the boxes...

... put up the record racks, order the window treatments, call the lawn guy for the fall feeding, buy my Systematic Theology I textbooks from Amazon, start a batch of wine in the basement. Yeah! We're staying right here. :)

And maybe by the end of the month, I'll get a paycheck. Now I just have to deserve it. ;) I'll be, um.. working on that.

Hey.. I'll be working! Period! And.. out of my own house, no less. Woohoo!

Feeling kind of flat

So I'm driving back tonight from a speed run to the local Landmark Theatre to grab a new sampler CD before they're all gone.. (since I'm leaving in the morning and won't get back until Saturday night.) I pull into the garage, hop out, prize in hand, and I hear a lawn sprinkler running. What the? It's 8:30 at night. Why is D running the sprinkler.. wait.. that's not a sprinkler.. it's like, air hissing or something.

Walking out into the yard the sound goes away. Back in the garage it's loud. Oh oh..

Sure enough, it's my left rear tire. I feel the top of the tire and there's air blowing out. Some kind of metal shard is in the tire, but I can't pull it out. Into the house for a pliers, which works fine, and the hissing stops. What the heck is this thing? Woah.. it's a broken off blade from a carpet cutter. Where in the world did I pick this up?

Well, now what do I do? I gotta leave in the morning and the spare is one of those dinky little spares that isn't highway rated. Poop. Okay, call AAA. Maybe they have roadside service from a place with a service bay who can patch the tire first thing in the morning..

No such luck. Some crazy joint with a name like "Tex's Towing & BBQ" is dispatched, and it will take them an hour and a half to get here! Argh! But, the AAA rep is nice and searches for a service station in the area and finds one that's open until 11 tonight and can handle a flat repair! Woo! Maybe I'll lose a little sleep but still get underway in the morning. That'll still work.

So the tire change service is supposed to be here by 10. Plenty of time to get the flat to the station. Four calls to AAA later, he shows up at 10:55. So much for getting it fixed tonight. Up early to get the flat in when the station opens at 7. Maybe I can still leave close to on time..

Shrink-wrapped and ready to go!

Let's start with the ready to go part.

J1 is heading out, with the dog in tow, tomorrow morning to rendesvous with her furniture in California. (sigh) Wish she wasn't leaving, just when we barely got within driving distance, but.. what are ya gonna do? She's always had a mind of her own, and is a cussedly determined sort when she locks in on something. Now is no exception. She's had this move in her head (one version or another) for years.

J2 drives her to the airport and will hang on to her car until he can shake loose for a weekend and bring it up north for me to try to sell. He can't afford the insurance for another year until he turns 21, and by that time who knows what kind of vehicle he'll want? His preferences change with the seasons. Always have. The difference between those two kids is profound.

As for me, I faxed back the acceptance letters for the telecommuting offer, so they can start the background checks and try to get me on the payroll by the 17th. I redo the drug test tomorrow, at the right lab this time, and then I think I'm all set. :)

Alright, then, on to the shrink. Excuse me .. THERapist. Had my initial consultation today with the guy. Seems nice enough, and so far a good combination of being directive when necessary and yielding ground when appropriate. I think we'll get along. He has a decent couch-side manner (actually I took an arm chair), except for the pained look he puts on his face when I refer to some negative experience. I wonder if he practices that look in front of the mirror, or asks his wife if he looks sincere..

No tissues needed today, but I can imagine there might be a need for some as he peels the onion a bit. I have a feeling that he is going to be able to open me up like a paper grocery bag. ;) But I draw the line at guided imagery or hypno-therapy! Don't even..

On a culinary note.. oh, that eggplant lasagna was tasty! Leftovers last night, and mmmm.. so good. Tomorrow: tomato-fennel soup! Bought my first fennel bulb today. First time I ever saw one, in fact. What a funky looking critter that is! Sort of alien. Smells kind of anise-y. Also bought my first shallots today. Never saw those before, either. Kind of nondescript little things, in a little mesh baglet. Hm.. this ought to be interesting. Maybe it will go well with meatloaf..

And finally, my last class as an adjunct professor for a while is tonight. Maybe I'll teach again in winter after I have one Systematic Theology course behind me and have worked in the new job for 3 months and know what's expected from both. Oh my poor students.. a 60 minute timed test.. they're terrified. :) heeheeheehee..

Labor Day, Under The Sun

dawned clear and warm. Should be a lovely hot and sunshine-y day (for those of you who like such things, I say from my cool and dark basement lair from which I'll not venture far today.)

Why don't we celebrate "rest from labor" day?

Ahh.. but we're supposed to. That's what the Sabbath is for. "Six days shall you labor and do all your work. But remember the sabbath day to keep it holy." Instead most of us work 5 days, and then work hard at recreation the other two, packing our weekends with stuff and not really getting rest.

Others, like me, have too much rest and wouldn't mind working at *least* 5 days, even 6. So I take up shopping and cooking and cleaning bathrooms to pass the time until I can work again. Soon, though! Offer accepted, release forms signed & faxed back, so the background checks can begin. Still hoping for a 9/17 start in the KC office for a week of orientation. That's if the background checks get done on time, they say. God, please expedite those.. I'm tired of sitting here. Wish school would start.

The textbook list got posted on the school website yesterday, and Amazon had them all. :) Only about $120 this time for half a dozen texts. No syllabus up yet, but .. it'll come. I'll wait to place the order until after I've had that last interview, just to be sure, but.. I'm as sure as I can be that I'll be starting class on the 24th.

Systematic Theology I. Mmmm... I can hardly wait. :) Hope it doesn't screw up my faith even more! ;) Maybe it will help clarify things in my head - give me a system to argue against or something. I think I come to believe something by mentally demolishing the opposite position. What a contrarian! I'll make a good "old codger" when I get to be of a certain age.

Stop that. I know what you're thinking.

So back to Labor Day. I was thinking of all the ways that the word "labor" is used in the Scriptures (which I won't detail for you here, don't worry), from the work a woman goes through in delivering a baby, to work used as punishment when under oppression, to work producing rewards (firstfruits), to companions in work (Paul's "fellow laborers"), to the rest promised to those who have been burdened with work. So many different senses of the word..

And then there's the paradoxical references in Ecclesiastes about the futility of work and the blessing of it. How strange:

"For what has man for all his labor, and for the striving of his heart with which he has toiled under the sun? For all his days are sorrowful, and his work burdensome; even in the night his heart takes no rest. This also is vanity. Nothing is better for a man than that he should eat and drink, and that his soul should enjoy good in his labor. This also, I saw, was from the hand of God." ----- Eccl. 2:22-24

Huh? So, which is it then? Meaningless? Or a gift from God? Or... a meaningless gift from God? Hm.. that doesn't seem right, either. Maybe.. meaningless in and of itself, but.. a good thing when God gives you joy in it?

I don't know. It's confusing.

I've had work that I've found joy in, but seldom. Mostly it's been sorrowful, burdensome, meaningless, vanity, a chasing after the wind. The enjoyment has come when the work fit me well, like a custom-tailored shirt with no pinching or chafing, and when those around me were happy with what I was doing for them and with them. How rare that's been. But, I've seen it - I know it's possible.

So.. this time? Next time? Never again? In retirement? Who knows?

We spend so much time working, that I think Solomon's right: there's nothing better than if your soul can enjoy good in your labor. And I look forward to the next time that happens. It really will seem like a gift from God.

Are you saved???

Uhh.. from what?

by what?

for what?

That was the theme this morning. The answer to all three questions, of course, was God. Saved from His wrath, by His grace, for His use. Yup. Can't disagree. Plus it makes for a good 3-point sermon.

But when the pastor said "The question 'Are you saved?' is the most critical question that can ever be asked of someone.", I had to disagree. Even he, in the same message, acknowleged that salvation is used in the Bible in the past tense, in the present tense, (both *are* saved, and are *being* saved), and in the future tense. He agreed with the Biblical writers that salvation is a process, which is more like the Catholic view of things (weekly Eucharist, regular reconciliation and penance) than the Evangelical date-in-time transactional view.

I think the better question is: "are you seeking to know God?"

For one, it relates to the post-modern culture better. "Being saved" doesn't. The pastor even said that people today don't believe they are accountable to God for their actions, and that there's no imminent threat of danger. They think (in a moral sense) "sure, I smoke in bed, leave candles burning all night, don't own a fire extinguisher, so what? My house hasn't burned down yet; and I just don't think it's going to. If it happens, it happens, I'll deal with it then. Why call the fire department when my house isn't burning?"

So then.. why ask them the moral question that way, as if you were talking about fire hazards and danger? But you can ask (morally): "do you like what's in your house, and what happens there? Is it ideal as is, or could it be better? Does it reflect who you are as a person?"

Two, it is less of a transactional view of spirituality, and more of a relational view, which is the original idea from back in the Garden anyway. It's not a test to which you must have the right answers.. instead it's spending time walking and talking with the teacher, learning what he knows & knowing who he is.

Three, the Scriptures teach that anyone who seeks God will find Him, and that He has marked His own for salvation before the foundation of the world, and that no one seeks God unless God draws him to look, so.. if you are seeking to know God, the salvation part will take care of itself. It's a given.

Finally, the Bible uses salvation in different ways, but mostly it's in the sense of being rescued from something bad, be it the threats of an enemy, the consequences of our wrong actions, or the potential loss of what is dear to us. It's not unlike the way we might say a beaten-up boxer was "saved by the bell" ringing at the end of a brutal round, or that a junkie/prostitute was "saved from the streets" by a rescue mission worker and/or rehab, or that a suicidal person was "saved from himself" by being talked back from the brink and gotten into therapy, or that an alcoholic was "saved from the gutter" by AA, etc. Unless you're facing calamity or consequences or threats... who needs to be saved?

But.. anyone can understand the question "are you seeking to know God?" Especially in our current culture where "being a spiritual person" is considered a good thing.

So, are you seeing to know God?

If so.. press on. He'll make sure you find Him. Because.. even *wanting* to seek is evidence that the relationship is already underway. He'll do His part: reveal. You do yours: seek.

If not.. why not? Are you afraid that if you do seek Him, that He'll intrude into your life and make you change what you're doing and what you value? Or is it because you have no need to be better than you are right now, you're just fine the way you are and need nothing from anyone, God included? Or is it because, even if there is a God.. you simply don't care?

Those are the scary answers. Not because morally your "house is on fire". But because they reveal what's inside your house (or speaking metaphorically.. inside your heart.) Do you like what you see there? House (and heart) without God living in it?

To me, that's the critical question.

Ahh, September..

the gateway to Fall. I love this transition month as heat yields to cold.

And, I love the September of my years, too, as Sinatra would say. Yes, it does come with advantages. ;)

I discovered a new advantage this morning, right after my what-seems-to-be-developing-into-a-daily-at-least-as-long-as-it's-dry-and-cool-in-the-morning run. And lest you think I've defected to the ranks of the athletic, I still hate running. Hate it! I only do it because it's good for me, and it keeps the sagging body from sagging any faster than it really needs to.

And while we're on the subject, have you ever watched runners run? Oh, I don't mean the competitive track and field people; I mean the regular people who do this a lot, either as a hobby or a discipline. I've never *once* seen one who smiles while they run. They all look like they're either in pain or resigned to the suffering that running brings. Nobody runs exultantly!

So what if running adds years to your life? Who wants to spend those extra years in the misery of running? I don't get it.

What's my excuse, then?

Oh.. just.. stop asking so many nosy questions!

Where was I now? Running doesn't help the brain work any better, apparently..

Oh! Yeah.. advantages to aging. And no, I don't mean getting the senior discount, smart-aleck. That's a loooong way off yet. :P

What I do get is the advantage of using (drum roll..) the age-adjusted fitness charts! Hey! This is a good thing.

Back in college (um.. that's the *first* time), there was a hot fitness book out called "The New Aerobics" by Dr. Kenneth Cooper. He studied a bunch of military (NASA) personnel, identified the fittest people through a variety of means, correlated that with their abilities to do certain exercise activities, and developed a simple way of assessing their overall fitness. It was this: how far can you run in 12 minutes?

He said that to be considered in "good" condition (one level below excellent, three levels above "call 911"..), a male under 30 needed to cover 1.5 miles in 12 minutes. Ha! That's nothin', you say. Yeah, right. Just go out there and try. It ain't nothin'.

(a woman under 30 would have to cover 1.35 miles in 12 minutes, by the way, to be considered in good physical condition, for those of you with an interest in such things.)

So during my college years, I worked and worked at that goal (yes, miserable the whole time).. lost a lot of weight in the process.. and got to that distance in 12 minutes for a brief period at age 19, and never since.

But for a guy who was the fattest kid in his high school, it was a milestone. I still remember freshman gym class where everybody, "Everybody!", coach said, had to run a quarter mile in under 2:00 or the whole class would get an F. I hated that man with all I had in me. The first day of the track unit, I was still 2/3 of the way around the track when the 2:00 whistle blew - the only boy who hadn't made it.

If it hadn't been for Roger Karl forgetting his jockstrap that day, and the vivid image of him running around the track with his.. (oh, man, it's still hilarious after all this time).. I think I would have been lynched that day. But they were too busy laughing at "big Rog", and giving him all sorts of novel nicknames. Well, after two weeks of being ridiculed, I finally made it in 1:59, and collapsed in a redfaced, gasping, sweaty blob on the track. The other guys shrugged and said "Finally!", and we all could move on to baseball. Creeps.

So where was I going with this? The mind is a slippery entity..

Oh! Yeah.. the charts. So, after that brief moral victory at 19, I've deteriorated since then, and thought I would never, never get back to the "good" category. But ha! Shows you what modern medicine can do .. better living through chemisty. :) Now I'm in the 50+ bracket and, woo! I only have to cover 1.25 miles in 12 minutes (or run 1.5 miles in under 15 minutes, either way), and I did both this week! Ha!

All of a sudden I kind of like running now. Or maybe, I don't hate it quite so much. :)