Anger must help you run..

or else I'm getting in better shape.

My fastest 1.5 miles yet, and no warm glistening behind my ears until the 1.2 mile mark, no annoying trickle down my collar until the last 1/4 mile. And a kick at the end, yet.

Maybe my pace was quickened by the anger. Damn this therapy for releasing it.

I'm angry at my brother for dying when he did and so much unresolved with me, for not waiting until Dad passed first as it should have been, for not taking better care of himself and living the life he did.

I'm angry at the heavens for being brass right now. Nothing is getting through, in either direction. I know, Dt. 28:33 says it will be this way, but why now? Yes, it's only been a few days since last weekend, but why now? Couldn't it have lasted a few months instead of a few days?

I'm angry at the ether for being silent & cold. Am I full of such malice that I should be shut out like this by the elements that hang the world together and link us with each other?

I'm angry at myself for all that I do and don't do, the comission and the omission, the failure and the faithlessness, the rebellion and the reaching, the discontent and the drifting.

And so I run faster, further.



I wonder if John Donne was a runner:

A HYMN TO GOD THE FATHER.
by John Donne

I.
WILT Thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin, through which I run,
And do run still, though still I do deplore?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done,
For I have more.

II.
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sin their door?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallowed in a score?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done,
For I have more.

III.
I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore ;
But swear by Thyself, that at my death Thy Son
Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore ;
And having done that, Thou hast done ;
I fear no more.




If you can hear me through the brass... forgive, take away my fear? Let me hear what I long to hear? That there is mercy in you, that you will use it, and restoration between us is possible?

Speak. My heart waits..