Why am I not excited?

about starting work?

I don't know, everything feels flat. Life feels flat. No texture, no contours, no thickness or lightness or smoothness or silkiness or roughness, no.. nothing.

Talked to the therapist again today. Still didn't use the tissue box. Close, but.. nope.

He asked how my week was. "Oh, up and down" I said. The up part was easy to talk about. My trip on Thursday/Friday was the up part. The down part was not so easy. So he made a space for me in his schedule on Friday and we'll see if I can talk about it then. I believe the tissue box will get used. :(

Most of the session today was about work/career - how I view it, what effect on my self-worth it has, rightly or wrongly, and ... well, many other things that are best left on the therapist's couch. And no, I still didn't lie down. I was on the couch but.. sitting up.

He did have a couple of helpful little suggestions. I think I'll like working with him. But I'll know better after Friday..

The rest of the time was spent on filling in family history, childhood, adolescence, and, as is normal for me, tears come when I don't expect them to. And when I talked about my brother.. I kind of lost it. Guess I hadn't realized how much his death last year still clung to me, and how upset I still was at him for what he made of his life, and for falling off that big white charger I always had him riding on as my boyhood idol.

It's pretty tough to stay on a white charger for very long. I've fallen from one often enough to know. Maybe that's why I drive a black one..