Looking forward

to...what?

or maybe, rather, to...when?

I've been thinking about this lately. Especially as I contemplate how long it is going to take to finish grad school at this pace. If I take my current load of one night class per quarter (only 3 quarters a year, since summer classes are all daytime ones), that's 12 credits a year.. and it will be 2014 before I'm done! :(

That's just sooo long. I was hoping to make the career jump by 55, not 60! I would have to double up starting Spring quarter, and take 2 evening classes simultaneously (which would essentially mean no free time at all, for even routine social involvement of any kind.) Is it worth leading that kind of "monastic" life to get there faster?

I've talked with Dr. Shrink Wrap (and others) about needing to be able to look forward to each day, find joy in the present and hope for the future. Joy in the present is elusive right now, so hope is more realistic, maybe. But if all the hope is centered so far out.. what do I look forward to *today*? Dr. SW says: have some hobbies, make some friends. Okay.. but with what time?

Some days you just naturally look forward to because they have something really nice in them, like having an old friend come to town to visit, or the local college kids over for dinner, or a time you've pre-set to communicate with someone you love but won't see for a while, or celebrating a holiday or a birthday, or going to a concert, or seeing a good new movie coming out. But these things are not daily occurrences - they're very occasional and not regular. What is it that gets me out of bed *daily*.. except duty?

So okay, doc, let's talk hobbies. What can I do that doesn't demand time-I-don't-have to tend it? I'm going to try growing grapevines in Spring. How does that sound? That's an extension of my winemaking hobby (which I do like and will get back to over Christmas.. but even then, there is a flurry of activity for two weeks and then you wait for 6-12 months.) If you plant the vines in Spring 2008, you can't harvest them until Fall of 2012. Then you start to make the wine, which you can't drink until 2013 or later. Okay, so.. maybe I'll have wine made from my own grapes in time to celebrate my graduation! ;)

Fine. I hope they allow you to bring wine into the assisted living place I'll be in by then..

There's nothing wrong with long-term goals, you know? But.. I need something to look forward to before then, too! Something that doesn't require lots of time investment, since I'll be pouring much of my free time into studying.

Friendships? I don't have an extra night a week to be in a bowling league in winter, or an afternoon a week to golf in leagues that start while school's still on. Bible study small groups tend to take the summer off, so that doesn't help with friendships, either..

Heck, now that I'm working, I don't even have the time to cook cool stuff the way I did when I was unemployed this summer! I looked forward to that. Now when it's my turn, I just throw something together that's quick.. :( And with D quitting soon, it won't even be my turn anymore..

What, then?

Maybe it has to be travel? There's a low "regular" time commitment to it (except for the actual vacation itself, which can be worked around school.) I can maybe use work trips as a jumping off point (like when I go to the corporate HQ in Switzerland, or a seminar somewhere), could do a longer trip a couple of times a year.. and do it now, while I can still afford it.. hmmm.

And in between trips, maybe a few more concerts a year? Good acts do seem to come here..

I do look forward to Mass Saturday afternoon. :) Does that count?

Dr. SW today said these were all good ideas, understood about the time commitment, and suggested some little thing every day, too.. something small but enjoyable. Something that uses the creative part of me. how about writing? he said. keep a journal? :) Gee doc, there's an idea; maybe I could write a little. ;) it might be good therapy, he said. Hmmm.. I wonder if writing a blog might help? yes, that might work well.. Aww, do you suppose I should tell him? :P

So, maybe I can patch together enough short-term hopeful things to fill in the days and weeks, while I work on the long-term hope part. Daily joy may follow later..

Hey, I'm trying, you know?

It's cold!

My goodness.

I am finding that I don't tolerate the cold as well as I used to. I've needed my winter jacket earlier than I thought I would. And when it barely gets into the 20s, like now, even walking to the car across a good-sized parking lot .. my teeth start to chatter! What's up with that? They never do that! I even turn the seat-warmer thing on in the car now. Me! Crazy!

As I home in on my target weight, and my endocrine medication levels stabilize my body's metabolism to the right setting, I'm starting to experience less overheating when it's warm, and less easy tolerance of cold. Hm. Maybe I'm becoming normal?!?

I may have to think twice about going to someplace cold like Patagonia as my next solo vacation..

okay, all done thinking. I wanna go. :)

Two shots of happy, one shot of sad..

Bono and The Edge co-wrote this song for Sinatra, but Frank died without ever recording it. :( Recently a kid named Matt Dusk did.. not too badly, either. Hm. You can sort of see Sinatra's life in the lyrics. Interesting song, by two interesting guys.



Two shots of happy, one shot of sad
You think I'm no good, well I know I've been bad
Took you to a place, now you can't get back
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad

Walked together down a dead end street
We were mixing the bitter with the sweet
Don't try to figure out what we might have had
Just two shots of happy, one shot of sad

I'm just a singer, some say a sinner
Rolling the dice, not always a winner
You say I've been lucky, well hell I've made my own
Not part of the crowd, but not feeling alone

Under pressure, but not bent out of shape
Surrounded, we always found an escape
Drove me to drink, but hey that's not all bad
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad

Guess I've been greedy, all of my life
Greedy with my children, my lovers, my wife
Greedy for the good things as well as the bad
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad

Maybe it's just talk, saloon singing
The chairs are all stacked, the swinging's stopped swinging
You say I hurt you, you had put the finger on yourself
Then after you did, you came crying for my help

Two shots of happy, one shot of sad
I'm not complaining, baby I'm glad
You call it a compromise, well what's that?
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad

Two shots of happy, one shot of sad



..well, from my standpoint, that's not such a bad mix. :)

I wouldn't mind getting to a 2/1 blend in life. I could live with that.

The African / Catholic connection

Last night was the penultimate class in TS501, and the subject matter is getting further and further afield from what I had come to think for the last 3 decades as normative. My oh my.

Tonight we talked about Africa and the theologies emergent in a culture where Christianity has gone from representing 10% of the population in 1900, to being the majority religion now, with nearly 50% of the population adhering to it, roughly 400 million people.

With such rapid growth, it has not yet divorced itself (and may not, ever) from many concepts native to the culture, such as a sense of one's identity coming from the community. "There is no I, without there first being a we" is a catch phrase of the culture.

There is also a takeoff on Descartes' "Cogito ergo sum." (I think, therefore I am.) The African version is, "I am because we are." Thinking moves from the community to the individual. It's certainly not the Western way, where, because I'm confident in who I am, now I can think about others.

Then there's the veneration of ancestors, the notion that they are benevolent guiding spirits, seeking to assist us. Africans are quick to note that it is NOT ancestor *worship*, as they worship one God, and one only. It is rather a recognition that the souls of the dead do not cease to be, and they remain active and interested in our welfare.

There are obvious parallels to the Catholic (Nicene, really) confession of the "communion of saints", and the current practice of veneration of saints, asking for their aid - and how they (and angels) are seen as benevolent spirits, interested in our welfare and active in seeking it. Spirits who want to help us (and whom we will be among someday), but.. not God; not to be worshipped, but whose help we can seek.

Also, some African theologians turn to one of the church fathers, Tertullian (who himself was from North Africa), for a definitive and culturally relevant doctrine of the Trinity as a "community" within the Godhead. They say that without this communion within God (the "we"), the Incarnation of the Son (the "I") could not have come about.

So, when we are "coupled" with someone in a love relationship.. do we get to the point where we think about "us" first (the communion of two souls), and only then about me? Do we strive first for communion with the other? Do thoughts of self always have their origin in the context of the relationship with the other? Or do we first think of self, and then modify that because there is another with us right now? Are we defined by the relationship, or do we bring ourself to the relationship to define it our way? What does loving sacrificially mean?

Verrrrrry interesting.

But it makes me tired in the head. :)

No more reading, though! Yay! Just the last paper to write. Due in two weeks. I'll see if I can get 'er done in one, so I can pick up an adjuncting job over the holidays, teaching another math class for a local college. Maybe I can pay for a few vacation days in Switzerland when I go there for business next year. :)

There I go again... me, me, me... ;)

Can you believe it?

It's almost December 1! Almost time to turn another page in my Chagall calendar. :) I love the opportunity that a new month brings..

.. the last half of a month seems sooo looong.

workout

.


straining to the last
muscle fibers tearing now
pain is on its way


.

Music Reviews: A.C. Newman, Ammoncontact, etc.

Well, it was a nice long weekend. :) Too full of studying to really feel like I detached from responsibility, the way you want to on vacation, but.. just enough detachment so that I'm also not looking forward to a regular week of work this week. :(

I did feel like I got my pre-winter chores done around the house and yard, too. The raised bed gardens in the back yard are torn out, the compost bin built from the leftover timbers, the lawnmower put away and snowblower out and ready.. c'mon, Winter, let's go! I'm ready for ya, man.

Also finished up my second of three papers for the quarter in TS501, and after tonight will be ready for the last of the reading quizzes. Just two classes and the final left! Not having to study for 4 weeks over Advent.. now *that* will feel like vacation!

On to the reviews:

Joe Rogness - "Tell The Story": He was the opening act for Sara Groves at her CD release concert. This most recent CD of his is acoustic, with a definite jazz feel. He has a spiritual take on things, but doesn't avoid the ups and downs of regular human relationships. Easy to listen to, and some songs are really compelling. All are good. Absolutely great tracks: You're Beautiful To Me, Do You Still Believe In Love? Thumbs up for a really good CCM CD that could cross over if marketed right.

Ammoncontact - "With Voices": Although this is in the hip-hop section, even the rap songs on here sound more like simply reading poetry to music. There's some thoughtfulness behind the arrangements, and some really good verse being sung or read. Favorite tracks: Beautiful Flowers (sounds like Enigma), Earth's Children (featuring Mia Doi Todd), plus a few I also downloaded from their 2003 CD "Sounds Like Everything": Super Eagles and Black Stars, Encouragement, House Plants. Thumbs up for this cerebral and inclusive rap/hip-hop effort.

Andrew Bird - "The Mysterious Production of Eggs": Strange. But also cool. This guy plays fiddle now and then with The Squirrel Nut Zippers, who are as odd as they come. So there is some offbeat instrumentation to this thing, but also some really good playing. Favorite tracks: Measuring Cups, Masterfade (his whistling sounds like playing a saw with a bow), My Skin Is (surreal lyrics and jazzy arrangement), Tables and Chairs (imagine a kind of sweet little song about post-Apocalypse partying with lines like "trading butterfly knives" and "there will be snacks"). Two thumbs up!

A.C. Newman - "Slow Wonder": I *thought* this guy sounded familiar, but I couldn't place him. iTunes solved the problem for me - The New Pornographers is where I know him from - aha! But I didn't know that Neko Case came from there, too. Hm. Just shows how much I have to learn.

Well, I like that band and now the solo efforts, too. iTunes calls him alternative, but I don't know.. the backing instruments sound like straight-up rock to me, though his voice suits the alternative labeling. The strange lyrics do, too. Some religious imagery here. I think I heard the word "revelation" on no less than 3 separate tracks. Hm. Decent tracks: Secretarial, 35 In The Shade, Miracle Drug, On The Table. Some of the other songs do drag a little bit. Some make no sense at all. Others are quite good. One thumb up for this CD.

Incense!

Yeah! Finally got to see them use it in a Mass. :)

I guess it was only because yesterday they were blessing ("dedicating", for the Evangelicals among my readership) a new icon (highly stylized piece of religious artwork) for the sanctuary (the part of the church building where.. oh, ha. just kidding. ;) Now that we are once again attending a church on Sundays that meets in a school gym, I nearly forgot that some Evangelicals actually do worship in a sanctuary!) So the priest got the censer thing going, and when it was smoking waved it front of the icon while we sang "For All The Saints", and the scent wafted its way gradually across the sanctuary to where I sat. Mmmm... so nice.

Spicy and sweet and charcoal-y smelling. Yay! I wish they'd do that more often, but I guess they save it for special occasions or something. So, it finally brought that last of my 5 senses into play in worship. :) 'Bout time, too! I mean, what else was I going to do? Insist that they use only scented tealights? Request the ritual, communal wearing of perfume and cologne by the faith community? ;) Regardless, it's one of the things I enjoy most about Catholicism - all my senses are engaged. :)

Several good ol' protestant-y hymns (or at least that's how I think of them - especially if I already know both the bass and the tenor line by heart) were part of the service, too, although some could be Catholic in origin, who knows? "Crown Him With Many Crowns", "Crown Him Lord of All", "As The Deer", "Lift High The Cross" - an all around good service, although Fr. Fitz was a little overcome by the dedication part. He had to collect himself before he could move on. Aww.. it was kind of sweet. :) He's got a big heart.

It was also the end of the liturgical year, and the three-year cycle of the missal (sp?), so starting next Sunday it's Advent and the start of a new liturgical year and a new three-year cycle of readings. Hm. Interesting process, that. There is a sense of fellowship with other Catholics all around the world who are hearing the same Scriptures that you are, and also with other churches that do the same thing. Episcopal, UCC, maybe? I'm not sure who all does that, but I know some Protestants do.

Anyway, if you have loved ones who are Catholic, but you're separated by distance.. you know you are sharing in the same Mass as they are, hearing the Word the same. And there's always time in the service to pray for them silently, too - before the Mass starts, during the communal prayer time, while the Eucharist is being served. And people do pray, too - not many are talking or looking around. It's nice. I like to think about people earnestly bringing their concerns to God. And I personally put that time to good use. :)

Happened to run into my sponsor there (the person the church assigned to "mentor" me during the RCIA process and, I guess, keep up with progress later on, though I can't see that being as crucial as it is beforehand where they need to answer questions and be able to testify to the catechumen's faith during the Rites of Initiation, etc.)

So... I asked her about veneration. This topic still sticks in my craw. It smacks of worship of things other than God. She explained it was a semantic difference in what is meant by the word, and I guess I follow that, but.. I don't know. I have to think about it some. Separating Church teaching from actual practice is important right now. I have to know which is which. What is it exactly that I'm signing on for here, you know?

The new Sunday morning church is working out well. :) Today was a rapid overview of the entire Old Testament, done in "Masterpiece Theatre" style, the pastor reading while in an upholstered armchair with Tiffany lamp, some hilarious visuals complete with clips of Mel Brooks, Monty Python, Leave it to Beaver, Darth Vader, Roadrunner & Coyote cartoons, etc. Somehow it all worked. :) Very, very casual place, this. I think I'll keep wearing my jeans & t-shirt. ;)

Actually this is working out well: the mystery, beauty and pageantry of the ancient faith on Saturdays, and the casual, laid-back, simple practicality of the modern faith on Sundays. I have both. It's good. :)

Yo! Credo, bro..

It means "I believe" in Latin. And it's what my theology prof calls the two major papers due this quarter - our "credo papers". I think the other profs have agreed to carry on this same idea in the next two quarters as well, as I move into TS 502 and 503. In these, we are asked to pick a topic within the doctrine we are studying (Doctrine of Scripture, Doctrine of God), ask a thesis question pertaining to the topic, and proceed to answer it in about 1500 words. Make that 2000 words for me. ;) Yak, yak, yak..

So my first credo paper was on whether or not Scripture is self-attesting. Nope. :) Needs affirmation by the community of believers. The second (first draft yesterday, final today) is on whether or not the trinitarian nature of God is the core of the Christian faith, essential for salvation, necessary for our understanding of God, etc. Nope. :) And hey, with all respect to those theologians who argue this way.... that is so whack! ;)

Not that I'm not trinitarian, you understand.. but if I was or I wasn't.. and at this point I ain't sayin', yallknowhamsayn?.. what I *am* sayin' is that it certainly makes no difference to God, and is not that crucial to my Christian faith or my ability to jus be hangin wit' my homes, dawg, chillin' wit' my peeps, yea, all up on that, word? (um, read: fellowship with other Christians) - or at least it *shouldn't* matter. A quick review of Micah 6:8, James 1:27, Hebrews 11:6 and Romans 10:9-10 should make it clear what does make a difference, what does matter to God and to my faith.

It's pretty simple, really. Tough to live out, but simple to understand. Simple enough for a child to understand. And if I remember right, Jesus taught something along those lines, yes? About childlike faith? And what the God-man J say.. yea, that ain't whack - all His stuff is fly and tight, son.

I'm starting to think that theologians need to go back to Sunday School and see some Bible story puppets again. :) Then, take their theo-janx to the street and see if they can get anybody real to pick up on it. And yo, if they can't, maybe it cuz they totally lunchin'.

Peaceout. One.

A good day

yesterday. About a 3 hour drive to bro-in-law's house for dinner, TV football (Packers/Lions), pinochle, drawing names (amongst the siblings, and again amongst the cousins) for Christmas gift exchanges. Wrote new lyrics to an oldie of a song for another (absent) bro-in-law's upcoming birthday. Met with consensus approval. :)

Which is better than my carrot soup fared - opinions were about as mixed on that as they are on cooked red cabbage. :( But Mom-in-law will make it for her cooking club next week! So.. a small victory, anyway. I think I'll do cauliflower-leek for Christmas. :)

Another 3 hour drive back home, good conversation en route with D about the church and authority, and a 10:30 PM conference call with India to wrap it up. All told, not a bad Thanksgiving. The only thing missing.. was J1 and J2. I think this is the first time ever that at least one of them wasn't there. :( Christmas, though.. should be better.

Hope it was a good day for all you readers! I have much to be thankful for, both close at hand and far away. :) Maybe you feel the same.

common grace

.


ring the table round
loved ones gather once again
giving thanks to God


.

pas de deux

.


waltz with me tonight
feel with me the rise and fall
till we gasp for breath



picture in my frame
waltz with me across the years
till the music ends


.

12 is the new 50

What?

Oh, nothing. It's just Opus again. :) One of my favorite cartoons (click to enlarge.) These two especially. I don't think they need any explanation, do you?

Although.. I will elaborate to some extent below. Don't I always? ;)

































And the second one - ha - I'm going the other direction. Imagine, me, sending $25 to Obama's campaign. Yikes! Must be a mid-life crisis. ;)

So... if I can take a risk on a liberal... bungee jumping here we come!



Well, maybe not...



Saw a preview for a new movie coming out with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, called "The Bucket List." These two old guys are in the hospital recovering from serious surgeries, and decide that when they get out they need to work on their bucket lists. Those are the lists of things they each want to do before they kick the bucket. :)

D and I talked about that idea after seeing the preview and compared our lists. Hers was enormous! So much to do, so little time, you know?

Mine? I couldn't think of one thing. Not one. She had to suggest one. And I agreed - yes, okay, there are a few spots in the world I'd still like to see. New Zealand, Switzerland/Austria, Patagonia, Jerusalem. That's about it. A little recreational travel. I need to see more mountain lakes! :)

Really, as I thought about it, I have done pretty much everything I've set out to do in life, plus a whole bunch more that had never occurred to me to do, and I couldn't have imagined, but which have been wonderful! I honestly feel like I could be "done" now, and it would have been a full life, with few regrets and lots of good things. I guess I feel ready .. to go .. anytime. :) I'm all set.

But until that day comes.. I wonder.. could I still learn to swim? I hate water. But after all, I learned this year how to run 2 miles without stopping (and I hate running), and do 45 consecutive pushups before smashing my nose in the carpet. Why not swimming?

Hmmm.. let's think longer term. Get my Masters, of course, and change careers to teaching at 55. Spend my time scraping the mush out of those young minds like the root canal guy did to me yesterday. ;)

What else? Could I.. grow my own grapes for wine? Get good enough on the piano to take over for Grandma C at family gatherings, when she passes?

Ooooh.. corrupt a few grandchildren! You know, fill their heads with crazy ideas having just enough truth to confuse them for years? I still have some of those ideas left over from my goofy brother who did it to me.. (or better yet, since I don't have any grandchildren yet - do it to someone else's!)

I am sooo looking forward to being an eccentric old codger. :) It's why I practice now! I think I have the eccentric part down already. ;) Oh, um.. no comments necessary from you about the old and codger parts.

I survived.

(see prior post)

Now I hope the tooth will.

$500 for an hour and a half of torture. Such a deal!

Well, it wasn't really torture. I'm making that up. It was uncomfortable. Until they strapped on the nitrous oxide, and then.. whoooo caaaarreed...

:)

I did feel the shots of anesthetic. Hate those. But they do work. And then there *was* that little "pop" when he blew right through the bottom of the long tap root with the "antibacterial plasticine substance" they fill the canal with. He assured me he didn't damage anything. Yeah, right. But really, that was all. Didn't even feel the incision when he sliced open what remained of the abscess pocket, to give it a chance to "breathe", he said. Blood everywhere (darn those daily baby aspirin), but hey, that's what gauze is for.

Oh, and the latex dental dam helped, too. And now I know what they *really* are designed for, as opposed to the recreational uses they get put to in certain segments of the population. ;) Ever since I got my hepatitis vaccines in that one free clinic out East I've wondered about that. The literature on the tables was.. um.. quite descriptive. But it sure wasn't about dentistry.

The guy who performed the endodontics work could hardly pass for a grown up dentist, though. If 50 is the new 30, he must have been all of 15. But a real type A personality and sure knew what he was doing. Good thing, too, since those little instruments of his looked like hard brass acupuncture needles and he was just a-scrapin' away with them inside me somewhere. Yikes!

His assistant, though.. she had that orange-y blond hair that comes from some Wal-Mart version of Miss Clairol, and was probably 35, but looked at least my age. She had this hacking smoker's cough and looked like she'd closed a few taverns in her time. Like last Saturday. Quite a pair, these two.

As for me, more antibiotics, lots of Ibuprofen, and a couple of days of "chewing discomfort." I gotta hope that passes before Thanksgiving dinner. I do plan on some chewing then.

Best thing about the trip to the root canal chamber of horrors today was that it's about half a mile from Trader Joe's and they have their cheapo version of a Nouveau Beaujolais out now. Woo.. I'm getting started on that puppy right now! Before the anesthetic wears off.

Root canal... :(

... this afternoon. Yuk.

I shouldn't be nervous, but.. I am. :( When it comes to dentists I'm still stuck back in the dark ages of my boyhood when I had this ancient dentist who had Parkinson's; his hands shook when he came at me with that needle!! Aaaaaa!!

Gave me the creeps then, and now I lump all dentists in the same bucket. Wrongly, I know, but.. when I hit the chair, I'm 8 years old again and terrified. :(

Pass the nitrous, doc.. take the edge, off, okay?

Music Reviews: Maritime, Sara Groves, etc.

Before I launch into the reviews.. what a nice day. :) (as in the Jewish day, which runs from sunset to sunset) Went to a CD release gig last night at a local college.. first time at a release party for me. Center aisle, two rows off the stage. Really good show, nice music. Fun! :) Then 9 hours of sleep.. mmmm. And on the road for 3 hours to go see my old friend TJ get ordained as a pastor. Very cool. I sang duets in church with his wife, K, when she was just this little girl (and then again years later as a mom with little girls of her own.) Nice to spend the day with old friends. :)

Sara Groves is a newish favorite singer. I heard her songs being played this summer for pre-worship music at a church with a contemporary service, and found it so intriguing that I had to go ask the sound guy what he was playing. She has a voice that is much like many of the modern female singers who do Alternative music and are on the local stations. Uses mostly acoustic arrangements, which suits her. The concert was great - a good opening act, really good seats for D and me and she put on a very intimate show. Anyway, the new CD isn't my favorite of hers.. so I'll review another that I think is one of her best.

Sara Groves - "Add To The Beauty": She sings equally well about human relationships and spiritual things. Such an easy style, and a well-honed delivery. Goes back and forth across her break smoothly. The arrangements have the right balance of strings and percussion. You might say they are a little "over-produced", but.. still solid across the board - all songs are good. Two thumbs up! "When It Was Over" is an absolutely great track to listen to, but my favorite track (by far) is "Loving A Person"; in fact, at the end of this blog entry, I'll post the lyrics. Lovely. And so true. :)

Caribou - "Start Breaking My Heart": Formerly known as Manitoba, this electronic music group from Canada has a few bright spots on this CD, but you really have to love the genre of electronic music, be a connoisseur of it, to go for this one.. a few tracks made the studying playlist, but I can't recommend it overall. No thumbs up. :(

Maritime - "Glass Floor": This one's interesting. Cool cover art, but beyond that, the lead singer's voice - it's good, but it doesn't quite fit the range of the songs on the CD. His voice comes alive with a simple acoustic arrangement or with some strings, but gets buried when the band amps it up and rocks out. For that reason only, this review is mixed. But when a track is good, it's really good! :) Good tracks to download: I'm Not Afraid, A Night Like This, Sleep Around, Human Beings. If All My Days Go By, James, We've Got To Get Out are also not too bad, if just for the tambourine and the upbeat tempo & chord changes. ;) One thumb up.



"Loving A Person" by Sara Groves

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it



:) Yeah. I get this.

Up and down, up and down

Often on these pages I've written with humor, just as often with irritation, sometimes from a place of happiness, sometimes from a place of despondency.

A little while back I wrote about these ups and downs that toss me about, rolling me like a ship on rough seas, like what the statisticians call a "random walk" about a long-term trend (a'la the stock market.)

At the same time, I've reflected on King David and his up and down life, a broken but still hopeful man, who continues to seek after God, while conscious of his own weaknesses and destructive patterns.

I wonder if I can synthesize these two. I read recently on the internet a posting about "the humanness of Peter--how Peter, just like most of us, would go from high to low--from saying You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God to saying I do not know the man. From saying It is good we can see your glory to falling asleep while Jesus prayed. From walking out to Jesus on the water, to trying to stop Jesus from going to Jeruselem and being rebuked by Jesus saying 'get thee behind me Satan'. So if such a man can be used by God as a foundation stone of His church--God can use us all."

The same person wrote that "this idea of duality--good and bad, sin and praise, coming from the same person--maybe that is something that God likes to use. There is a fire in these people that you don't see in the more sedate among us. A passion for life. An ability to live in the now." So maybe passion comes with contradictions, ups and downs, bound to it. Guess I'm stuck with those, then. :)

In this same place this poster was reflecting on a story she heard recently about "the things that keep us from being used and from living life in the joyous now that God wants us to live--Regret, hate, anger, retribution, jealousy, greed. [The pastor] told a story I've heard before, but was happy to hear again as it is no less true. A Native American Grandfather was telling a story about the two wolves who live inside every person. One is full of hate, anger, jealousy, regrets, greed, pain. The other is full of Love, joy, peace, freedom. They constantly battle for the top place in our life. One of the young men listening asks--'Which one wins?' And the grandfather answers- 'Whichever one you feed'."

I have always identified with King David. Not so much with his position, but with his temperament and his gifts and flaws. He was contemplative and melancholy yet hotheaded and idealistic, easily moved yet coldly aloof, a passionate lover and a fearful enemy, a faithful friend and a smooth liar, a poet and a warrior, a thinker and a zealot, musical and bloody, compassionate and ruthless, tenderhearted and vengeful, spiritual and carnal. He was many things, this man.. but what he was *not*, was simple.

And I wonder if, in his later years, David fed the wrong wolf. It seems to me that as he grew up and came into his own, that his trajectory was clearly up. Still a random walk, full of ups and downs, but vacillating around a line steadily climbing toward a life lived well, marked by God's approval and blessing. It's the period when I think David became that "man after God's own heart" as the prophet Samuel called him when he knew God had chosen David as the next king.

Something changed in David's middle years, though. When he was no longer a man on the rise, the warrior tackling a challenge from God's enemies, instead he found himself managing an established kingdom, dealing with adult children, a large household, petty squabbles and affairs of state. Somewhere in there his zeal disappeared and he became less than he was. Then his natural melancholy (which also was what made him extraordinarily tender-hearted and poetic, but always needed to be balanced by his idealism and desire for a noble cause) took over, and the upward-sloping line flattened.

From that point on, after his dear friend Jonathan died, he was banished from the battlefield by his generals for being too old, failed to resolve the crisis with deadly infighting among his adult sons, began his affair with Bathsheba (from which sprang death in his house and Psalm 51), and brought judgment on the nation by taking a census (forbidden in Israel.) His ups and downs swung widely, with seemingly more downs than ups. He was busy writing psalms (beautiful psalms!) while his kingdom and family broke down around him.

I wonder how much of this would have happened if Jonathan had still been there for him, to call him to do the right thing when he was beginning to fail. Instead, the end of David's life was a pitiful picture. A prematurely old man, shivering under thick covers, only able to be warmed by a young girl sharing his bed.. with the real love of his life, Bathsheba, standing by his (and the girl's!) bedside with the prophet Nathan (who had brutally chastised him for his affair with Bathsheba - an odd combination to be sure), trying to rouse him to manhood one last time and do the right thing for the sake of his kingdom.

It worked, he rose one last time, saw to it that Solomon was made king instead of one of his other less worthy sons. But his final instructions to Solomon were like a mafia boss telling his boy who needed to be killed to avenge the family's honor. Bloody gruesome.

Yet, after all that, he pens an auto-biographical psalm to God that is as worshipful and full of thanksgiving as any he ever wrote. He credits God with all the good that happened to him, and takes on himself the blame for all that went wrong. At the end, then, he swung back up - and right on out.

May it be so with me.

stigmata

.


marks on wrist and hand
see there what has marked a life
love and suffering


.

Missing...

No, I'm not missing, I'm right here. Here, where I don't belong. What I'm missing is everything else. I'm lonesome, but not for these people whom I'm here to see. I'm lonesome for other people. Other familiar places.

Another night in a hotel. I mean, it's a nice place.. but..

I just don't want to be here. :(

This whole place gives me the creeps. The office, I mean. Ick, ick, ick - it feels like I'm in a foreign country, and not like I'm here on vacation, either - a tourist enjoying the sights. It's like I'm here but I don't belong here.

Oh, it's not as dysfunctional here as an episode of "The Office" (a TV show I can't bear to watch - I've lived it for too long.) It's more like "Office Space" the movie. "But, but.. I was told.." Now that was a funny show.

And you know, it's not like I don't know people - I can pass them in the hallway and know their names - sometimes. I recognize faces. I can joke with co-workers. I get along with them. Not always with my boss; and my junior co-worker is still an enigma to me. But mostly, I can handle them.

I just.. don't want to. Barely here for a day, and I'm fidgety, eager to leave. I don't have a rational explanation, I mean, there's nothing wrong. I simply can't supress the shudder that comes when I cross from the parking lot to the building in the morning.

And there's a heavyness that settles on me when I'm walking the halls or roaming the cubicle warren in search of a meeting room, or sitting in my temporary workstation plugging in my network cord to my laptop.

At the end of the day, I can feel it start to lift a little, even though I'm heading to an empty room. At least I have something to study - brought my TS501 textbook. Last night: Process theology and Open Theism. Tonight: feminist theology and liberation theology. Yeah, like this will make me feel better.. ;)

My right hand hurts this morning. The joints, the wrist. I think I need my ergo mouse back home. :(

Hmm... hands. I feel a poem coming on - I stare at my hands, my palms, my wrists.. hmmm.. maybe tomorrow. Something's brewing in my head.

Speaking of something brewing.. more coffee!

Airports

I hate them.

I'm keeping careful track on this trip to KC of the elapsed time from door to door, now that I'm flying instead of driving.

I already know that it's cheaper to drive. If I stay at least three days, the combined cost of airplane ticket, car rental (there) and airport parking (here) is already more expensive than the mileage they'd have to pay me if I drove my own vehicle the 450 miles each way.

And if I only shave an hour or two off the time it takes to drive.. just avoiding the aggravation of the airport will be worth it! No place have I found a better description of the reasons I prefer to drive than in this Opus cartoon (click to enlarge.) I feel like he does.. poor penguin. :( Wait, wait.. today it's poor ME!