The value of affirmation (or the lack thereof)

Hmpf.

Dr. Shrink-wrap said yesterday that I am operating with a bias.

Oh? I am?

Yes, he said. You have a tendency to under-value affirmation when you get it. And when you don't get it, you over-value the lack of it.

Oh? I do?

Yes, he said. When someone tells you something valuable about yourself, something worthwhile, something good or desirable... you tend to (not always, but often enough) file it away as 'oh, they *have* to say that' or 'they're just being polite', or 'they can't possibly mean it - they don't know the real me."

Really. I do this?

Yes, he said. You think you know better than they do. Is that how you want your genuine compliments to be received by people? Do you want them to just toss off *your* affirmation of them?

No. I don't. I want them to believe me.

You're durn tootin', he said. (no he didn't, not really.) If you want them to believe what *you* say, don't you think they feel the same, and not want their sincerity or judgment questioned? he said.

Yes, of course.

On the other hand, he said, when you are hoping for affirmation from someone and don't get it, or when you lose some regular source of affirmation, you over-value the absence of it. It's grand melodrama, an epic tragedy, a crushing blow, a hurt deliberately inflicted on you (by God or whomever.)

Really? I do this?

Yes, he said. You do. And just as often as not, the affirmation you sought was there all along, you just misinterpreted the silence (or the circumstances that took that source away) as a personal rejection, when it isn't that at all.

It's not? It feels like it.

Yes, he said. I know. Some of this bias is just a facet of your own personality type. Some of it, at least. A much bigger portion of it relates to events and relationships in your life which we've talked about. But can you recognize the truth of what I'm saying?

Yes. I sure can. You're absolutely right. I think I've known it all the time, but you put it so clearly, Doc. By the way, are you always this rude, callous and scathingly blunt?

(no, I didn't say that last part, really, just thought it.)

If you can be aware of this bias right in the moment when you are receiving or missing affirmation, you can defuse the old ways you used to react, and break the pattern.

I can?

Yes, he said. Will you try this? While I know you are trying to stop seeking out affirmation, and you are certainly doing well with that, will you now try to accept any affirmation that comes your way in the spirit with which you would want your own affirmation of others to be accepted by them?

Um... would you repeat that?

(no, I didn't really..)

Yes, I said.

Good. I believe you will.

And will you also, when you find yourself feeling let down or disappointed because of a lack of affirmation, try to see how it would be for others if they felt the same when you are silent toward them, or were apart from them and could not affirm them?

Can you see that you would not want them to be hurt by a lack of affirmation by you, when you simply didn't (or couldn't) express what was in your heart?

Yes, I said. I get it.

All right, then. Stop screwing up, bonehead.

(right again. he didn't really *say* bonehead.. he just thought it. I'm sure he did, the jerk.)



Okay, so I exaggerated a bit. :) A lot of these words and thoughts are mine, not his. But the general tone of the conversation was sort of like this. I actually was not quite as dense with him as I make myself out to be here.

I save the *real* denseness for when I'm actually in the middle of the screwing up part. ;)