Drinking the Company Kool-aid

So yesterday 35 of my closest new corporate friends and I spent all day in a meeting room listening to talking heads (of businesses, that is - some in person and some by video) explain their vision and strategies, and listening to their underlings drone on and on about their accomplishments by reading from mind-numbing powerpoint slides. And ooh, just think – more today!

All day long we heard about initiatives, initiatives, initiatives, ad nauseum (and oh yes.. why don’t initiatives ever become conclusives?) Then we saw the latest in corporate direction reduced to logos and diagrams rich with embedded meaning.

I felt like I should open up the “random corporate buzzword generator” spreadsheet that I invented a few business cycles ago. Just open it up and hit ‘enter’ to get the buzzwords of the day, like “quantifying effective strategies”, or “initiating meaningful incentives”, or my favorite.. “right-sizing inspirational reorganizations.”

Well, for once in my life I didn’t drink all the Corporate Kool-Aid they served. I sipped one serving all day long, in between many many cups of strong coffee, and was able to even have a bit left in my glass at the end of the day.

They are not going to get my heart this time, no matter how winsome they are. This time I'm going to remember - they will never love me!

So I felt refreshingly detached from the rah-rah mumbo-jumbo (which I have so earnestly delivered myself more times than I care to admit), and was able to focus more on connecting with the people around me. That was a nice change.

And.. about a third of them were teleworkers! Even met a Sales Director from South St. Paul. Wow.. I didn’t feel so out of place.

Of course, there was a little “getting to know you” exercise. We submitted pictures of things in our office environment. Mine were 1) my full-sized shofar & miniature ark of the covenant, 2) the red alstromerias I had in a bud vase on my desk, and 3) the small bronze of Rodin’s “The Kiss” that’s on my bookshelf. We were supposed to guess whose office it was by the pictures. They were more than a bit surprised that the owner of these things was the new actuary, who also happened to wear a bright blue & green shirt with an electric green tie today. Nothing like making a statement as the new guy! :)

And speaking of making statements…

After the group had dinner and drinks last night (good martinis!), there was a “team-building exercise.” O joy! O rapture! They broke us into teams of 6, and told us to put on a skit, complete with designated topic, creative costume materials, singing requirements, advertising jingles, and man-on-the-street interviews.

I was at my wit’s end… not! ;)

They did give us some props. Without going into details, let’s just say that our skit revolved around a glamorous celebrity, a fashion infomercial, real tattoos, tinfoil, balloons, pipe cleaners, a Manfred Mann song, serious gender confusion, hair removal products, and an extremely thick Swiss accent. By some twist of fate I got the lead role, and it would be safe to say that I made an entirely different impression on the group than earlier in the day. And really.. it’s probably better not to ask. :)

Fun as that was, playing for laughs again, I still really, really , REALLY don’t like being here in the “corporate environment.” Especially when they are soooo gung-ho about return on equity targets. Ugh. I wanna go home!!

There’s a lot to be said for going to work in a t-shirt and gym shorts… and not having to model a sports bra coated with reflective safety material..