Lunch on the patio

 

... is one of the little pleasures of traveling here at this time of year.  I could never do this in July, but I can now.

 

And for whatever reason (maybe the threat of impending rain, or maybe a perception that it was a little chilly), no one else was "dining on the verandah", as it were. 

Which was nice, because after a couple of days of meetings and office chit-chat.. I'm ready to be alone!  (that is, until I get back to the hotel room and have to fall asleep with the help of a decent syrah and reruns of Law & Order.)

 

Still, it is pretty out back off the cafeteria.  The birds were singing lustily and the flowers blooming lushly. 

And the peach cobbler... mmmm.  Marvelous.

 

One more day of this, though, and it's time to head north again, and a busy weekend of hosting twenty-somethings for dinner Friday night, another training run Saturday noon, acting as lector at St. Rose's Saturday afternoon, a three-track party (first one in months!) Saturday night, and singing on worship team Sunday morning.  Whew!  All fun stuff, though.  Except the running part.

 

(note to self - check on how pictures came through.  Darned firewall.  Can't see Facebook, can't get to Blogger.  Cut off from civilization, practically!  This posting to blogger via email is certainly suspect.  Hmpf.)

 

Crawling Through Lowertown

Even though the front had gone through, and the mid-70s were past history, it wasn't quite as cold as last year's art crawl, just a light jacket was enough. And this year we sort of knew where we were going, where to park, etc., and tried to hit some different buildings as well.



And there was all kinds of food being served, loft by loft: wine and cheese, strawberries and champagne, M&Ms and pecan sandies... mmm. Art and food go well together, I think. :)














































In addition to the traditional paintings, drawings, photography and ceramics, there was installation art.




(honestly, the image didn't show up until I was getting ready to take the pic. Something about the 2-dimensionality of the image in the photo allowed the eye to see Obama and not the pastel Post-its. Strange.)



And there was some art I just didn't get at all. What is it?



And there was stuff that was really different, but in a good way:

























And always fascinating are the lofts where the artist not only shows their work, but where (s)he also lives. Some spaces were incredible:




Others more chic and tasteful:




others impressive in their openness:




But back to the art. There was some that I wanted to photograph to that I could crop and make into screen saver images. Gorgeous!



And there was other stuff I wanted to take home with me (and I did!)



Ha - I actually made this artist's very first sale. Ever. He must have been all of 22 or so. Reminded me of J2. He was so flustered at my wanting to buy something that he had to go get a friend to make change for me, and instead of a business card I got his name and email scribbled on a page torn out of his notebook. He was thrilled, and even if he doesn't sell another thing all weekend, he'll still feel good about himself and his art, because someone liked it enough to take it home.

I love to do that - leave people better than I found them. :) Even if it costs me something to do it. But it's worth the cost! (and naturally I gain a lot, too.) So I went back the next day to check on him and encourage him some more, and sure enough.. he had gotten some business cards made! That's a good boy...

And then there was art I would have liked to take home, but ... could not afford to, no matter how good it would make the artist feel!



The oddest thing of the night had to be the "art vending machine". All the art in it had to fit within a 2"x3"x1" space, and all cost $5 in quarters to buy. Bizarre. I didn't try it (already had my purchase in hand, which helped.)

The rest I will leave for you to scroll through on your own, as I need to head out to KC for the week. Suffice it to say that this city has a vibrant arts community, and it's fun sharing in it once or twice a year - even taking a little bit home for my own "gallery". :)

Are Catholics Liberal or Conservative?

I don't mean individual Catholics. They are all over the map. :)

I mean as a voting bloc, or as a social force in culture.

Recalling last year when I first learned about Catholic Social Teaching, I was struck by how... biblical... it was. And this for a denomination that has been accused by Evangelicals as not focusing enough on what the Bible says. I've come to learn that statement should be read: "not focusing enough on what I think the Bible says." Which is, after all, characteristic of low-church protestantism and all those in the anabaptist and pietist traditions, who focus on individual or small group piety & hermeneutics, rather than interpretation & piety in a communal setting (as part of a confessional community.)

Ha - or so my professors tell me. :P

(not really. I sort of figured that one out myself.)

This week's issue of the local archdiocesan newspaper really ran the gamut of social issues, and it reinforced once again the non-ideological nature of Catholic Social Teaching. It isn't Democrat or Republican, liberal or conservative. It's ... Christian. :)

Some article titles will serve as witness to the diversity of issues about which Catholics care:


Catholic Charities' plan to cut poverty in half by 2020
Minnesota Bishops urge state budget to give priority to poor
Pro-life group relocates banquet due to hotel's TV porn
Educators urged to follow example of Christ (on human life & dignity)
Pregnancy centers help in tough economic times
Disability services make a difference, deserve support
Caring for creation - special section on energy saving
Vatican objects to Iran president's remarks on Israel
Cardinal comments on new NIH embryonic stem-cell guidelines
St. Francis convenant promotes care for environment
New Bishop of St. Louis a promoter of evangelism
Homosexual attraction: a disordered desire for love


This last article, while controversial, is actually very mainstream and Augustinian in its theology, and explains well (as did St. Augustine) how all sin stems from legitimate desires that are simply out-of-order. It maintains that homosexual attraction is not sinful, only the acting on it is. This would be equally the case for any sexual activity taking place outside of the sacramental union of marriage. It urges all people to chastity of all sorts, not just in one type of situation, or for one type of person.

Yeah, well.. easier said than done, of course, for anyone, in both thoughts and actions. But at least it's even-handed in application. I link to it here, and recommend reading it in its entirety.

So, the issues run the gamut from sexuality to environmentalism, from concern for marriage to concern for the poor, from support for unplanned pregnancies to support for the disabled, from spreading the Gospel to stopping the spread of anti-semitism. How can you pigeonhole this broad set of issues in one part of the ideological spectrum? It offends conservatives and liberals alike, and finds common cause with both!

That must be because it's Biblical. The Bible does the same thing. On both a personal and cultural level, it at once challenges us and encourages us, confronts us and invites us. So should the Church.

Whether we heed it or not... that's between us and God.

Study

Study without desire spoils the memory, and it retains nothing that it takes in.
- Leonardo da Vinci


There is no end to books, and too much study will wear you out.
- King Solomon, Ecclesiastes 12:12


No fooling. After I take my mid-term in HS502 today (and do my training run), I'm officially taking a week off (from both running and studying.) It's a good time for a business trip to KC. :)

Then, when I get back, it will be time to pick it up & sprint to the finish (literally and figuratively.)

What's the diff?

Somebody explain this to me. There are all these different styles of club music out there, and for the life of me I can't grasp the subtleties among them. Can someone clearly articulate the differences?

chill

downtempo

lounge

ambient

trance

house

progressive house

drum and bass

big beat

breakbeat/breaks

groove

techno

electro

Well, I guess I can tell ambient from drum & bass, chill from house. But some of the others seem like slicing the genre a bit thin, like they used to do to jazz.

Personally, give me something at 156 bpm that stirs my blood, and... I can run to it.  :)  Like today!

All on a summer's day

Yesterday it was hot! I highest reading I saw was 85. Yikes! In April. Go figure.

And speaking of figures, they were certainly on display. I needed to go to the Bethel lower campus before my grad school class in order to pick up my gift card prize from the poetry contest, and I observed first hand the differing tendencies of boys and girls when it comes to clothing selections on an unexpectedly warm day.

Last time I was on the college campus, roughly two weeks ago, it was cold; both sexes wore jeans and sweatshirts, or jackets over t-shirts. Their garb was similar in relation to the amount of skin covered by the clothing. But not yesterday! The gender differences came out. mmhmm. :)

Of a random ten guys, none wore sweatshirts or jackets. 4 wore long sleeve button shirts, the rest t-shirts, no tanks. 4 wore shorts (all of which were at the knee), the rest wore jeans or khakis. Two wore flip-flops, one wore "real" sandals, the rest were in tennis shoes.

The random ten girls, though.. two wore something long-sleeved, 2 were in t-shirts, 4 were in tank tops, and 2 were in those teeny little spaghetti-strapped summer sundresses that had no doubt been languishing in the closet all winter. The sundresses were as short as the shorts that another 4 of the girls were wearing. Like the guys, knee-length? Hahaha; try about 16 inches higher. Two more wore capris, and two were in jeans. As to footwear, 7 wore flip-flops, 2 were in fashionable sandals, and only one wore tennis shoes.

In general, much more skin showing on the girls. As much as they could rationalize, I think. Some could rationalize a lot, apparently. (and this is an Evangelical college. I shudder to think what might have been on display at a Hamline or a Macalester! Or maybe I should say quiver, not shudder. It would be more honest.)

To the guys' credit... there was very little noticeable staring. Furtive, yes, of course. I mean, c'mon. But on the whole, they were well-disciplined in their social behavior. No open leering. What they went to sleep thinking about, though, is anybody's guess.

The girls certainly gave them material.

The women at the seminary, however, showed much more decorum and restraint, as befits both their vocational direction and their additional years of, um ... seasoning?

Too bad. ;) Really, even great theologians like Thomas Aquinas talked of apprehending God through the use of one's senses, in the beauty of His creation. And the female half of humanity has that, in abundance. Surely male seminary students are past being tempted toward illicit juvenile bedtime fantasies, and can view women's beauty purely.

Or at least we would welcome the opportunity to try.

Another poetry prize, another concert...

Life does get routine. Yawn.

Just kidding, of course - both are great. :)

Got this email yesterday:

The haiku you submitted for our National Library week’s contest:

 

bursting with knowledge

wisdom accumulated

lives within our stacks

 

Was chosen by our committee as a winner.  Congratulations!

 

We have submitted the 3 top finalists’ poems to the Clarion for publication in an upcoming edition.  We will also be posting your haiku, along with others submitted, in the Library.  To receive your prize:  a Bethel Caribou gift card, please stop at the Circulation desk in the Library between 10 am- 6 pm and ask for Betty. 

 

Thanks for entering our contest and again, congratulations!!

Another poetry contest, another gift card...

if only one of these times it could be a gift card to the Dakota Jazz Club! That I'd have no trouble spending. :)




What a great night out it was, too. This is such a fine club atmosphere, so intimate and lively, you can see in the performers' demeanor that it is a treat for them to work in a different type of venue, one that is more like jazz clubs used to be.



And Steve Tyrell did not disappoint. He's been in the business forever, in record production and in film, and so had wonderful stories to tell about the artists he's worked with, on both sides of the glass in the studio. From The Shirelles all the way to CBS's Good Morning America, from Burt Bacharach to Aaron Neville, New York to New Orleans. What a career.

The only slightly creepy part was that he looked kind of like Pat Robertson, trying to croon to his "700 Club" audience. Ewww. But I got over it when he signed my CD. :)

Running a blessing?

Well, I wouldn't go that far. I'm not like Eric Liddell (Chariots of Fire); I don't "feel God's pleasure" when I run. Are you kidding? When I run, I don't feel pleasure of ANY kind. ;)

(Note to SQ: icing the shins afterwards is helping, though. Thanks!)

But yesterday during my run at noon (10K, 63:35, outdoors) I couldn't help but think of that verse called "The Old Irish Blessing". You know the one:

May the road rise to meet you

May the wind be always at your back

The sun shine warm upon your face

The rain fall soft upon your fields

And until we meet again

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Um, I think God went halvsies with me on this. The rain stayed away during runs, but made Sunday and last night wet. The sun was warm on my face, but only on the way home when I was already hot. Instead, the wind was in my face at first (on the way out I had about a 20 mph headwind - nasty, but it became a nice tailwind later when I was tired!)  And ha, the road did rise to meet me, just about as often as I had to rise to meet IT.

On the last line, though, God was not stingy.

Palm of His hand? Oh, yeah. The whole time. :)

persona

.


what i choose to be
for perception by others
not the me inside


.


Saw this "word of the day" on Google, and I thought: yeah. I've cultivated one of these over the years.

persona (noun) The role that one assumes or displays in public or society; one's public image or personality, as distinguished from the inner self.

And after a while I thought it's who I really was. But in the last few years, the facade cracked and I learned: Not so! Now I'm trying to get the outside to match the inside. Slow going, that. Not only do I want to get rid of what's fake on the outside, but also clean up what's on the inside, so that when inside and outside DO match... I'm not ashamed, but comfortable.

It's like cleaning your place when you're gonna have company... isn't it better to simply live in a clean place? :) Then people can come visit anytime with no special prep on your part; and you don't mind them seeing what it's like inside because it's how you always live. It's you - just well kept.

perennial

.


flowering in spring
or does love choose to blossom
just when it pleases


.

Poetry & Records

After my latest training run yesterday (5.7 miles - this time around the neighborhood instead of on the track), in which I was amazed that I could manage this distance outdoors, I decided to clean up and treat myself to a poetry competition. :)

It was the fifth annual Poetry Slam for Ramsey County (which includes St. Paul) and happened to be held at a library not too far away. I had some time before Mass, so.. what the heck?

Who knew that I'd actually... win? :D

I chose to read a geriatric takeoff (which I've posted here before) on a Dr. Suess book which I used to read to J1 & J2 when they were little.

It was a landslide! They had a panel of three judges that gave Olympic-style scores, and I averaged 9.0 across the board to take 1st. Okay, so the prize was just a Barnes & Noble gift card and a spiral bound notebook, but still...

As the linked post above discussed, J1 took on the task of illustrating it, and it's only 2 pages away from being all done. Based on the success of it today, I think this Summer it will be off to the printer for a limited run for friends and family. :)

After collecting my winnings and posing for the obligatory picture, I dashed off to the Electric Fetus for "Record Store Day", a celebration (and promotion) of local independent record stores.

The goodie bag you got with purchase was stuffed full of demos and samplers, the bargains were good, the Sony people were there with fresh pizza and giveaways, plus I won a door prize. Cool. And a halfway decent modern jazz band (The Bad Plus) was playing:





(by the way, I chatted with the guy in the T-shirt above; turns out he's an organ donor in a program for victims of testicular cancer. I'm just kidding, but it was the first thing that came to me when I saw it...)

Then when I got home from Mass, I grilled a couple of pork chops and whipped up a little sauce for them (the first time I have ever improvised a sauce without a recipe) which turned out great, thanks to Penzey's Bavarian Blend spices, Trader Joe's frozen basil cubes, a knob of butter, some frozen shallot pieces and a bit of flour. Fun!

Not to mention it was a beautiful Spring day and the daffodils outside my office window are lush and bright. mmmm...

Doesn't get much better than this.

Clean living, I guess. ;)

spring

.


expectant flowers
strain to deliver blossoms
giving color birth


.

Twitter: boon or bane?

Ran across this article this week which asks the question:

Is Twitter an exercise in narcissism for an already self-absorbed culture, or a tool to bring a disconnected world closer together?

Ha - it might be indeed narcissism for those who post tweets continuously in stream-of-consciousness mode (and this comment is from someone who has a lot to say to no one in particular, right here in this blog!) But what about for those who don't post at all, but just "follow" (watch what others are up to); isn't that more like voyeurism? :P

Bane for a self-absorbed culture?  Maybe.  Boon for closer-knit society? I don't know.  Maybe if it gets narcissists and voyeurs together...  ;)

But social networking tool or not, it is certainly limited. I mean, what's 140 characters to a chronically wordy guy like me?

As an example, a couple nights ago I posted a lengthy status to Facebook from my mobile phone, was able to interact with others, and elaborate on the fantastic nature of my status at length as well, all in one connected thread. Try doing this on Twitter!



6:13pm - B is sipping espresso and munching biscotti while reading poetry at a lovely little sidewalk cafe overlooking the river.
Ah, Spring.

6:14pm · Comment · Like

CM likes this.

GA at 7:18pm April 14

what, are you french or something?

B at 7:57pm April 14
Okay. It was really a paper cup of regular joe and some leftover Easter candy, reading HS502 at the local Caribou, which overlooks a parking lot. But darn it! It was 65 degrees, no mosquitos, and it felt so marvelous... it might as well have been Paris. :)

GA at 10:54pm April 14

you think the reading for HS502 is poetry? 

Are we reading the same stuff? ;)

I like your fabrication much better than the reality.

Thomas More

This week in HS502 we learned of Thomas More, Lord Chancellor to Henry VIII (who beheaded him in 1535.) More was held up by his contemporary, the humanist Erasmus, as omnium horarum, or "a man for all seasons".

Well, maybe not ALL seasons. Not, probably, for postmodernity, where timeless truth is impossible to hold respectably, and devotion to the common good is trumped by the expediency of individual good.

One biographer, Daniel Taylor, had this to say about the similarity between Henry VIII (an adulterer and usurper of the papacy, who needed Thomas More to publicly affirm Henry's divorce, and "compromise his principles so that Henry's own compromises will be acceptable"), and that of our cultural desire today to have flawed and fallen idols. 

He says:

So true. Finding hypocrisy in others lets us off the hook.  We secretly love to see the Ted Haggards and Bill Clintons of the world fall from positions of respect because of character weaknesses, so that we can feel more comfortable with our own flaws.  After all, if our leaders are no better than us... why should we change?

That, brothers and sisters, is comfort food for the fallen soul.

And very like me, I might add.  The hypocrisy part, I mean.  :(

Oh, and... one more thing.  After calling More a "Catholic fundamentalist", another reviewer (David Lyle Jeffrey) had this to say about our contemporary use of the term "fundamentalist":

Hear, hear.  There are as many fundamentalists of liberalism and atheism as there are of conservatism and religion.  The fundamentals they hold to are different; attitudes toward those fundamentals (and toward those who don't share them) are not.

Ha - maybe it's only us moderates and doubters who aren't prone to fundamentalism, because we don't believe anything too strongly.  

Hm.  Not sure that came out quite right...

Mates of State

Mix one part "The Bird & The Bee", one part "The Weepies" and one part "Tegan & Sara", whisk vigorously, increasing volume to fill the hall, and you have Mates of State. It was a pretty interesting concert.

The Varsity was packed, more than I recall seeing it for a long time, but I don't think it's because this band had a huge following. Yeah, there were people who knew the lyrics (minimalist though they were), including a foursome right next to K and me. (we just rolled our eyes...)

I think it was because there was nothing else going on in town anywhere, given that it was Easter Sunday night. I mean, who goes to a rock concert on Easter?

...

Um... guess I do.

I was gonna say "pagans", but... ha. Guess I should keep my speculations to myself, huh?

But it was a fun night just the same. Good to catch up with K - it's been months, literally, since the last three-track party. And D was home sick (coming down with something throat-y and sinus-y), so... it was time well spent for me. And before K finally dragged in, I even got some studying done. No pictorial proof this time, sorry. The memory card on my phone died, and I have to replace it. :(

Before it died, though, I was able to get a shot of the first daffodil of the season, while lying on freshly raked grass in the front yard. :) So nice to look out my office window and see this:



Plus, I was able to document my visit to the holy grail of record stores around here. I hadn't been yet, and whenever I said so, I got such incredulous looks from people, along with "are you serious?", so when I was out and about on Saturday and needed to pick up tickets to an upcoming show (Taking Back Sunday, Anberlin, Envy on the Coast), I siezed the moment to pay homage:



I'm glad they added the store's vintage to the sign. It warmed my heart to think of it starting up back in the day when all the cool bands had nonsensical names like Jefferson Airplane, Iron Butterfly, Strawberry Alarm Clock and Led Zeppelin. :) Far out. Rock on.

Across the Chasm

You've seen those action pictures where people are running across rooftops trying to either get away from someone, or to catch someone? Invariably there is a leap from one building to another that stretches credulity. If there's two people doing it together, they may look at each other and say: "you ready? Let's go!" and then they run, yelling at the top of their lungs, and ...

well, you know how it goes. Good guys make it across. :)



But it's not the leap that strikes me ... it's the yell.

People do that, when they physically give all they've got. They yell. Whether it's a novice skydiver, a weightlifter in the olympics, or a woman in childbirth. They yell. It helps.



Two of Jesus' "seven words from the cross" were yells. One was a cry of anguish and separation. "My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?" That one we think of as a yell.

The other one we don't tend to think of that way, but a yell it was. Here's the account from Luke 23:

By this time it was noon, and darkness fell across the whole land until three o’clock. The light from the sun was gone. And suddenly, the curtain in the sanctuary of the Temple was torn down the middle. Then Jesus shouted, “Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!” And with those words he breathed his last.

He's actually quoting from Psalm 31, but there's no doubt it was a very loud quote - a shout, a yell.

Friday night I had a chance to take part in a church service and read the "seven last words", while others commented. This last time I shouted Jesus' words, because the commentator on this one had it right. Jesus did not go out with a whimper, but a shout. Not a whisper but a yell. Why?

I think he was making that last run at the edge, readying himself to jump across the chasm called death. He knew he'd make it, because he knew whose arms were waiting on the other side to catch him: his Father's. But he still had to make the leap. So he roars that full-throated cry that men do, when they're giving it all for a purpose, and then he jumps...



and you know how it goes. The good guy made it. :)

Thank God!



Soon enough the chasm is ours to cross. And he waits to catch us.

resurrection

.


quickening to life
beating heart and lucid thought
hope confronts despair


.

Yo, Greg. 'Sup, bro?

Pope Gregory the Great is in my thoughts again, as I follow the recommendation of my Christian History prof and give a bio of his life a look. Carole Straw writes in Gregory the Great the following, about this first of the Mediaeval popes:

"Gregory is at once progressive, because his thought is flexible and comes to terms with the world, yet conservative in his ideals. His thought is dynamic, always offering the means of converting defeat to victory, yet somehow static, for success turns all too easily to failure. Gregory deals profoundly and sensitively with the ambivalences that plague human life: why tears of love and grief are so closely allied, why sin nips the very heels of virture, why the loving God must also have the devil as his exactor.  Gregory was ambivalent and divided, though he earnestly wished not to be."

Is it any wonder I can relate to this man?  Those of you who know me well know that this is an apt description of how my own thoughts run.
The author ascribes to Gregory this thought: That "in Christ, reconciliation becomes identity, for he is both sides of reality simultaneously: God and man, spirit and flesh, reconciled and reconciler. The universe encompasses the carnal and the spiritual woven together in various intensities, yet all combining to form a design of harmony and extraordinary order."

Yup. That's good.

Yet I hold something against this author. She needs to learn to speak common English. Too many 4-syllable words in one sentence. I mean at least make them 5 syllables so that they could fit into a haiku or something. :) Listen to this. It starts out okay, but...

"Gregory sees carnal and spiritual realms as interrelated, connected as endpoints of a continuum. Like faces of a coin, ends of a stick, or poles of a magnet, they are extremities of a single whole. Two relationships are evident: one of opposition, which is metaphoric and paratactic; one of connection or unity, which is metonymic and syntagmatic. Though opposite, carnal and spiritual realms are very much united through various degrees of complementarity and reconciliation."

Whoo. That's like three trips to the dictionary. In one paragraph. How about some common parlance? You know, real words for real people.

Let's have more sentences like this one:

"In equilibrium, the soul experiences a mixed life of activity and contemplation, despair and hope."

Yeah. That, I get.

Every day.

deliverance

.


celebrate freedom
passover freed the body
and easter the soul


.


Both holidays fell during this particular Spring week, which is sunny and warming nicely, with the first daffodils opening to life. Passover is all about redemption, freedom and a fresh start.

Come to think of it... so is Easter. :)

What If Judas Had Waited?

Here it is, Holy Thursday, the night of the Last Supper and Jesus' betrayal, and I have to think again of something I heard recently about Judas, which resonated with me personally.

A few Sundays back, the pastor at EnCompass went through the story of Judas from the perspective of him being a troubled, alienated outsider looking for acceptance and purpose, being initially attracted by Jesus and his "movement", but eventually becoming frustrated with it instead.  Interesting perspective.

Judas Iscariot (transl. "of Cherioth") was the only one of the twelve disciples who was not from Galilee. He was a zealot from the South, not the North, an outsider, a misfit, a political ideologue.

Using this as a base, the pastor made three points:

> Attraction and alienation can be a lethal mix
> Human tragedy is mysteriously intertwined with God's purposes
> We must participate (and wait for) God's redemption

Although the first point is what really got my attention, and what I want to get to shortly, the last point is what gets to the title of this post. The pastor posed this question: in dealing with his despair and grief over Jesus' crucifixion,

if Judas had been more patient...
if instead of committing suicide the same day...
if he had waited and dealt with his guilt just 48 more hours...

what might have happened? If he had seen the risen Christ Sunday morning, what might Jesus have said to him, and how might Judas's despair have changed into joy? Might Jesus have extended forgiveness?

But instead, he let the alienation that he already felt be amplified by his guilt and push him over the edge, to the kind of hopelessness and despair that says "I am worthless, an outcast. I have no reason to continue living."

He saw himself as beyond redemption, and so saw no point in waiting for God to restore him. In his mind, God would not want to. Why wait for what was never going to come?

The pastor's plea was this: "when your life gets bleak and desperate... wait. Wait. Don't do stupid stuff that you will regret. Wait for God. Think: what if Judas had waited two more days? I'll wait, too."

Good message.

But what struck me was the tragic consequences of alienation (Judas's initial condition), and the precariousness of it when followed by attraction (to Jesus and his teachings), but which doesn't pan out the way you hoped (not overthrowing Roman rule). I get this.

From age 6 to 18, alienation was a very real thing for me. It characterized my school years from kindergarten through my first year of college. It became a central feature of my character, and the way I coped with it was to cover it over with a pleasant exterior.

I learned that I could not trust anyone to love me... for just me. People (incl. those whom I trusted, friends & family, male & female) found it more satisfying to mock & ridicule, to reject & deceive, to abandon & withdraw, than to accept & affirm.

From then on, I was desperate for affirmation, and at the same time skeptical of any source that seemed to give it, never quite willing to believe it was genuine and heartfelt. And while my experiences with family became better, my first decade of work was pretty much a continuation of my school years.

Despite that, though, over the next 20 years, there were a few sources I was willing to trust again, in family, church, and eventually at work. And alienation seemed to fade into the background for a couple of decades, still there but dormant. Until about 10 years ago, when it roared back at work and at church, both of which I had come to trust as sources of affirmation and acceptance.

I think my despair of a few years ago (chronicled in the earliest posts of this blog) was a result of the early pattern in my life of alienation, followed by attraction to potential sources of acceptance and affirmation. But when many of those sources stopped accepting and affirming, bringing rejection and alienation back, disillusionment turned to despair. The same kind I felt during my school years, only amplified.

And while therapy helped me identify what was going on, this has still taken its toll, changed my outlook on life, and my perspective on things. Fortunately, neither the initial nor the revived alienation has ever extended to alienation... from God. I have made mistakes and poor decisions, maybe felt isolated from Him or ashamed, but have never considered myself beyond His reach, have always known He wanted restoration.

But I guess I wonder to myself: have I throughout life (both early and late) like Judas, made some decisions & choices out of frustration or despair? Have I missed God's best because of impatience - a longing for affirmation but an unwillingness to wait for His redemption of it? Has my foundational premise of alienation made me reach for what I thought might help, right when I needed it, rather than suffer a while longer and wait... for God to reach out to me?

Maybe in the next life I'll know that answer.

But in this life, even if some choices I've made were for the wrong reasons, some decisions made with poor motives... somehow God still brought good from many of those. It's more evidence of His grace in my life and the lives of those I love: even my imperfections (lack of faith, impatience, impulsiveness) get redeemed. :) And unlike Judas (thanks be to God!) ... I've waited around to watch.

And I can testify: Easter rocks!

If only Judas would have waited 48 hours...

emotions

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dark light spicy sweet
flavors blending into life
seasoning my days


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Art is life

For a long time now I've had an empty space on the wall above my iMac, and I finally got sick of having it be empty. But I didn't have anything I wanted up there, either, so I went web-shopping. And I decided to extend the Chagall theme into my office.

So, I got a new print, plus found a nice frame deal at Michael's over the weekend. Add a couple of nails, and viola!

Art. Life. Love. Office. It works.

Now I have something there that I'll not tire of, but enjoy looking at, every single day. :)

Spring?

... sure is unpredictable.

Just when I thought that KC had more snow than here, yesterday I wake up to this:







The up-and-coming tulips and daffodils were looking a little silly for a while. But by the end of the day, it was all gone, and later this week it will be nearly 60.

I'm convinced Spring is female.

Not only does she tease you and toy with you (being coy one day and direct the next), but...

there's no explaining her, either. If you want her, you just have to love what she gives you, whatever that happens to be today. :)

The Original McMansions?

In the part of KC where I often stay, there is a river running through a vintage upscale neighborhood that mixes the old and posh with the new and posh. The river divides a parkway which runs for several miles through the kind of turn-of-the-last-century mansions that you'd see on lakeshore drives in many cities. Old money. Lots of it.



And as I was heading out to buy a new pair of navy pants to replace the ones I ruined earlier in the day (!) I was struck by a row of massive and gorgeous vintage homes that looked... exactly alike! Wow. Tract housing for the uber-rich?



It made even less sense when you looked at the one-of-a-kind houses all around them. Striking and unique, not clones of one another. Hm. Didn't figure that one out.



I also didn't figure out the fact that KC has more snow than we did 7 hours to the north. Weird.