What If Judas Had Waited?

Here it is, Holy Thursday, the night of the Last Supper and Jesus' betrayal, and I have to think again of something I heard recently about Judas, which resonated with me personally.

A few Sundays back, the pastor at EnCompass went through the story of Judas from the perspective of him being a troubled, alienated outsider looking for acceptance and purpose, being initially attracted by Jesus and his "movement", but eventually becoming frustrated with it instead.  Interesting perspective.

Judas Iscariot (transl. "of Cherioth") was the only one of the twelve disciples who was not from Galilee. He was a zealot from the South, not the North, an outsider, a misfit, a political ideologue.

Using this as a base, the pastor made three points:

> Attraction and alienation can be a lethal mix
> Human tragedy is mysteriously intertwined with God's purposes
> We must participate (and wait for) God's redemption

Although the first point is what really got my attention, and what I want to get to shortly, the last point is what gets to the title of this post. The pastor posed this question: in dealing with his despair and grief over Jesus' crucifixion,

if Judas had been more patient...
if instead of committing suicide the same day...
if he had waited and dealt with his guilt just 48 more hours...

what might have happened? If he had seen the risen Christ Sunday morning, what might Jesus have said to him, and how might Judas's despair have changed into joy? Might Jesus have extended forgiveness?

But instead, he let the alienation that he already felt be amplified by his guilt and push him over the edge, to the kind of hopelessness and despair that says "I am worthless, an outcast. I have no reason to continue living."

He saw himself as beyond redemption, and so saw no point in waiting for God to restore him. In his mind, God would not want to. Why wait for what was never going to come?

The pastor's plea was this: "when your life gets bleak and desperate... wait. Wait. Don't do stupid stuff that you will regret. Wait for God. Think: what if Judas had waited two more days? I'll wait, too."

Good message.

But what struck me was the tragic consequences of alienation (Judas's initial condition), and the precariousness of it when followed by attraction (to Jesus and his teachings), but which doesn't pan out the way you hoped (not overthrowing Roman rule). I get this.

From age 6 to 18, alienation was a very real thing for me. It characterized my school years from kindergarten through my first year of college. It became a central feature of my character, and the way I coped with it was to cover it over with a pleasant exterior.

I learned that I could not trust anyone to love me... for just me. People (incl. those whom I trusted, friends & family, male & female) found it more satisfying to mock & ridicule, to reject & deceive, to abandon & withdraw, than to accept & affirm.

From then on, I was desperate for affirmation, and at the same time skeptical of any source that seemed to give it, never quite willing to believe it was genuine and heartfelt. And while my experiences with family became better, my first decade of work was pretty much a continuation of my school years.

Despite that, though, over the next 20 years, there were a few sources I was willing to trust again, in family, church, and eventually at work. And alienation seemed to fade into the background for a couple of decades, still there but dormant. Until about 10 years ago, when it roared back at work and at church, both of which I had come to trust as sources of affirmation and acceptance.

I think my despair of a few years ago (chronicled in the earliest posts of this blog) was a result of the early pattern in my life of alienation, followed by attraction to potential sources of acceptance and affirmation. But when many of those sources stopped accepting and affirming, bringing rejection and alienation back, disillusionment turned to despair. The same kind I felt during my school years, only amplified.

And while therapy helped me identify what was going on, this has still taken its toll, changed my outlook on life, and my perspective on things. Fortunately, neither the initial nor the revived alienation has ever extended to alienation... from God. I have made mistakes and poor decisions, maybe felt isolated from Him or ashamed, but have never considered myself beyond His reach, have always known He wanted restoration.

But I guess I wonder to myself: have I throughout life (both early and late) like Judas, made some decisions & choices out of frustration or despair? Have I missed God's best because of impatience - a longing for affirmation but an unwillingness to wait for His redemption of it? Has my foundational premise of alienation made me reach for what I thought might help, right when I needed it, rather than suffer a while longer and wait... for God to reach out to me?

Maybe in the next life I'll know that answer.

But in this life, even if some choices I've made were for the wrong reasons, some decisions made with poor motives... somehow God still brought good from many of those. It's more evidence of His grace in my life and the lives of those I love: even my imperfections (lack of faith, impatience, impulsiveness) get redeemed. :) And unlike Judas (thanks be to God!) ... I've waited around to watch.

And I can testify: Easter rocks!

If only Judas would have waited 48 hours...