twinge

.


conscience intruding
calling this sub-optimal
foretaste of regret


.



I don't know how it works with you, but my conscience seems to take a different approach with me now than it did in my twenties. Back then, everything in life was more black & white just in general, and my categories were clear-cut and firm. And so, when my conscience spoke, it was more like a scream, something along the lines of "Unclean! Unclean! What you are considering is an offense to all that is right and good! Stop now, lest you die!"

Now, my conscience tends to give me a gentle poke in the ribs, or a subtle kick under the table. Or maybe it's like the warning beep on the dog's electronic collar, telling him as he's chasing that rabbit that he's getting a little close to the edge of the yard, and he may not like what happens when he gets there. (!)

Whatever analogy works better, the upshot of it is that my categories aren't as precise as they were when I was younger. There are more shades of grey in life now (including a few on my scalp), and so my conscience tends to speak in terms of what is better or worse:
"um, just a sec, there, buddy... you know, this may not be the best idea. Isn't there a better approach you could take here?"

It's a bit like this specialized area of math & statistics called "fuzzy logic". Instead of sorting red apples and green apples into two distinct categories, and as a result having to determine apple-by-apple whether it's more red than green, instead you answer the question "just how red is this apple?" 30%? 65%? 100%? Then, you analyze your whole population of apples to see just how red your basketful is. Then if Mom asks you to "go pick some apples, Bobby, and be sure they're not too green...", you can fill a bushel and not have to sweat each and every apple's precise coloration balance.

I think my conscience functions more like that now. It used to be: if an apple has any green on it, I simply can't pick it, or I'll get yelled at. Now, it's: how much green is TOO much green, my whole basket of apples considered?

And so, when that twinge of conscience pokes me, I think... ok, I know this action is less than ideal. I get that. So how much less is it? Just how sub-optimal? How green is this apple? Just enough to assure a little crispness and tang? Or enough to give me a full-scale bellyache if I indulge? I might also have a different standard of acceptability for, say, wormy-ness in apples, than I have for green-ness.

Need I go on with this analogy? I suppose you get my drift. :)