No time to think, much less cry

Today was one of those days. My calendar exploded at the last minute and I had meetings scheduled from 10AM stright through until 5PM. And none of them ended early. :)

Tomorrow looks identical. My direct boss (Rug) was one of the appointments, thankfully a lunch one, so I could eat. He looked at my calendar and was impressed. "Boy", he said, "you are digging into this aren't you?"

Yup. If it's Tuesday at 3PM, this must be claim trend and I must be on the 8th floor. And who are you, again?

But, it couldn't have come at a better time, honestly. I got a call from home this morning that my brother died last night. His health wasn't great, and at 64 he was at risk, but still it was unexpected. At first I was numb, and then as I told people, the emotions began to well up into tears. But, as the day went by, and one meeting bled into another and my pulse rate climbed, I didn't have much chance to think about it. Which was good, I guess.

When there's nothing you can do about a situation but feel bad, no matter what it involves (like being far away from someone you love, for instance), I suppose it helps to stay busy until your emotions are settled enough to deal with it. You can't stuff it, or ignore it, indefinitely, but being active is better than sitting with nothing to do. And in my situation, if I took time off, who do I have to go home to at the apartment? I don't even have a fish, much less anyone to hold.

He was a knucklehead, quirky, offbeat, unpredictable... and I loved him. Idolized him as a child, until I grew up enough to see his flaws. He was incredibly generous, materially when he had money, and always generous in spirit. My brother.

First of my siblings to pass, and the first of that whole generation of my family, including all the cousins. It starts now for us, my peers, the kids I grew up with. Now it becomes our turn to begin passing, as it was for my Mom and her sisters, and soon my Dad and his brothers.

I'm not ready to think about it, much less grasp what it means to me. I'm not "old" yet, dammit, I'm not! There are too many proofs of that in my life. But... it's around the corner. My brother showed me that today.

May God have mercy on his soul. And I say this as only a brother can... he'll need it. :)