downcast

.


dazed and confused
what didn't i understand
seemed to go so well


.



Well, it's a lesson. Don't set your heart on something that depends on somebody else's decision. :( Really, I thought that I hadn't done that, that I had been careful not to get my hopes up. But still, when the answer was "no", it was like a sucker punch right in the gut. I thought everything went great, but... the feeling wasn't reciprocated.

I had some pretty curt conversations with God this afternoon. Kind of along the lines of: "So was there a point to slapping me around like this emotionally? Are you going to need to do it some more for some reason? Why should I walk away with such a positive vibe and then have the door slammed in my face so abruptly? What point are you trying to make to me, exactly? That I'm completely out of touch, that I'm clueless and need waking up?" :( I was mad.

And the answer I heard back.. pretty clearly.. was just as curt. But perhaps with a kinder tone, as I might have expected from Him. He said (in my spirit):

Why should you be angry? Was it Me who raised your hopes inappropriately? You did that yourself, after you said that you wouldn't let it happen. You know very well that this is the process: you knock on doors, most don't answer, some might open, fewer invite you in, and normally only one asks you to stay. Haven't you been through this a dozen times or more? Why should you be angry?

Are you like Job? Do you demand from Me an explanation for what happens to you? Remember what he got from Me? He got a reminder of whose world this is... and it's not yours. You have said recently that you have a quiet trust in My providential grace. How about showing some of that trust?

Are you like Jonah? Do you quarrel with my methods, and object to the direction of My grace? Do you think you know better than Me? May I remind you to Whom you speak? I suggest you be silent.. and wait for Me. You will understand in the end what I am doing. Until then, live by faith.

Who is your favorite writer in the Scripture? Isn't it Solomon the wise? Recall what he said in Eccl 11:

"Give portions to seven, and also to eight,
For you do not know what evil will be on the earth.
[...]
As you do not know what is the way of the wind,
Or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child,
So you do not know the works of God who makes everything.
In the morning sow your seed,
And in the evening do not withhold your hand;
For you do not know which will prosper,
Either this or that,
Or whether both alike will be good."

Take a lesson from your grapevines. When some were eaten by animals and others were not, were you angry at Me? Especially when you took preventive measures only too late? Or were you grateful that some were spared? Then when one of those vines that was spared unexpectedly grew a few grapes a full year "too soon", which ripened well so that you could actually taste the fruit of your vines, were you angry with Me for being "off" on My timing, or did you rejoice in the little blessing I gave you?

Be still. Wait. I will rescue you. I will be kind to you.



Okay, okay... I spoke rashly, of things I do not understand. I'll give portions to seven, to eight... sow the seed, and wait for Your harvest. I'll remember the words of King David, my patron saint:

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.