Self-differentiation

has been the topic du jour in SP505 lately.

Differentiation, along with family systems, seems to be a hot topic in therapy circles right now. My two profs are both therapists, and one is also a pastor. So they talk about what they see in clients, and give examples from their own lives as well.

So what is differentiation of self?

It's the degree to which one is able to balance emotional and intellectual functioning (having clarity about thoughts vs feelings), and balance intimacy and autonomy in relationships (having both togetherness and separateness), while progressing toward, and developing, life goals.

Whew. Put in more concrete terms, if you are self-differentated, you:

> are responsible "to" others, not responsible "for" them.

> can care deeply... in a controlled way.

> value self highly... and can sacrifice self out of compassion.

> can act selflessly for others out of choice... not out of pressure.

> are not easily controlled by others, nor do you seek to control.

> can choose to be open and transparent, without pretense or fear.

> can state a need, ask for help, without shame or bargaining.

> are not easily manipulated, but are easily teachable.

> know your limitations, but are willing to face the pain of growth.

> resist pressure to match others' feelings and emotional tone.

> can graciously hold your position despite social pressure to conform.

> have no need to present a false front, play a part for others.

> are not dependent on others' success/happiness for your well-being.

The other interesting idea related to this is that in a relationship where the two parties are not in that balanced state of differentiation (they are not able to be both authentically intimate and have a healthy independence), there is usually a person who is "over-functioning" and one who is "under-functioning".

One often has a problem being intimate (staying connected), and the other often has a problem being autonomous (allowing for independence), though not always. In some cases, the well-being of one is dependent on the self-image or behavior of the other.

In unbalanced relationships, for the under-functioning (u-f) partner to ever improve (be more successful/independent/responsible), the over-functioning (O-F) partner must stop rescuing/enabling/defining (and being defined by) the other.

The O-F partner must continue to be responsible to the u-f partner, but stop being responsible for the u-f partner's well-being. It's as if the u-f partner's growth is constrained by the O-F one. Only when the O-F partner practices more autonomy and detachment (going through the pain of allowing the u-f partner to take charge of their own well-being), can the u-f partner ever become free to grow stronger.

This same thing could be said about multi-person relationships, like a work team and a struggling co-worker, or an adult child and her anxious parents, or a church group and a needy parishioner. Whichever party is "concerned about" the attitude/situation/success of the other must compassionately "back off" and, while staying connected, allow them to struggle toward wholeness and take ownership of their own well-being.

In this way, both parties grow, including the one who "backs off", who then stops being defined by the success or failure of the other person. Being responsible TO others, but not responsible FOR them, not allowing my own well-being to be defined by the other person's "success" or "failure" - that's differentiation of self.

The profs made clear that the growing in self-differentiation is always painful - for all parties involved. And I can definitely relate to that. From both sides.