Goodness of fit test

Well, that was... not what I expected.

Yesterday I had the heart-heart talk with PeBo (see post of 12/15/06) about his expectations and my ability to deliver on them, as well as my fit for the role, etc.

What I expected was to be out on my keyster, with a foot imprint on it to boot.

What I got was an active listener (too active - I had to constantly steer him back to my prepared script!), with some genuine concern for my welfare. :)

When I talked about my Meyers-Briggs profile (INTJ/ENTJ), the jobs I have found to be a good fit in the past (advisor/strategist), the difference between a thinker (me) and a do-er (him), and the difference between a Nehemiah (what he wants) and an Ezra (what he's got - see post of 12/03/06), it made sense to him. And finally, when I told him I had signed up for grad school at a seminary, the light bulb really went on. In fact, he stopped the conversation and said "oh, my - a light bulb just went on! I get it now."

He offered to talk to Rug next week and see if there were other work options for me around here that might play more to my passions (principle, concept, strategy, planning, motivating, teaching, writing, performing.) We even brainstormed a few, one of which was to craft a role as leader of an effort to coordinate all the actuarial and financial training around the company. That has a certain appeal.

Now, I don't expect that something like that will just fall out of the sky in the next 2 weeks, but I do think I worried for nothing (which is normal for me), since he seemed to genuinely have my best interests at heart, and saw that there were other ways that I could contribute around here and have a better fit with my style, personality, interests.

I'm hopeful coming into the new year, that 2007 will be a better year than 2006, both work wise and personally.

Christmases, City and Rural

Christmas in the city is busy, bustling, exciting. People are a little happier than usual, a tad more friendly, but also more harried - they just carry it well. The city takes on a festive glow, the window lights softening the glare of streetlights and neon shop signs. It's business as usual, though - *more* than usual in some sectors, with part-timers brought on to handle the press of business at the holidays. The carols can be heartfelt, but they can also mean the difference between breaking even and a decent profit for the year. Parties are in full swing, the bar/restaurants are booked solid with groups of co-workers having some holiday cheer. It's busy, no doubt about it. When I hear this song, I can picture the scene:

Christmas makes you feel emotional
It may bring parties or thoughts devotional
Whatever happens or what may be,
Here is what Christmas time means to me.

City sidewalk, busy sidewalks
dressed in holiday style.
In the air there's
a feeling of Christmas.

Children laughing, people passing,
meeting smile after smile,
And on every street corner you'll hear:

Silver bells, silver bells,
It's Christmas time in the city.
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring,
soon it will be Christmas day.

City street lights,
even stop lights,
blink a bright red and green,
As the shoppers rush home
with their treasures.

Hear the snow crunch,
see the kids bunch,
This is Santa's big scene,
And above all this bustle you'll hear:

Silver bells, silver bells,
It's Christmas time in the city.
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring,
soon it will be Christmas day.

But in the country... it's different. The rookie cop pulls patrol on Christmas day, the fire house is down to a skeleton crew. The quick marts and gas stations are closed up along with the coffee shop and the shoe repair place. People are still nice, yes, but no more than they are all year 'round. It comes with the territory around here. But they're harder to find - they're home with family, eating, drinking, playing Sheepshead or Pinochle or Euchre, drinking some more, and watching football on TV. Or... they're at church.

Last night after checking on the dog I drove from the cabin on the lake into town for the Christmas Eve candlelight service, and the little country church that I pass on the way had a parking lot full of cars. I'd never seen more than one there before this, but with the parking lot full, the church lit from within, and the light shining *out* through the stained glass, it seemed so warm and cozy - and quiet. You could almost hear the assembled multitude of friends, neighbors and extended families, all singing "Silent Night" acapella. Driving by, you got the feeling that this was the time of year where the stained glass wasn't for those inside the church, like it is on a Sunday morning - but for those passing by on a dark night, with no church of their own, no anchor for the season.

Still others are at the tavern with *their* extended "family" of fellow revelers, lifting their spirits a bit differently. The jukebox plays "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" to a rousing singalong on the chorus, good for a few knowing yuks afterwards. People know that songs like this fit them, here where snowmobiles run in the ditches beside the country two-lanes or cut across the fields marked as available for such cross-country transit. The comraderie is as vibrant, if not as focused on inner joy and the life to come. There are simpler pleasures out here where the deer and dogs run free but the rusting trucks in the backyard don't. The outside lighting displays are less the latest trend from Macy's (or even Target), and more from the traditions of the previous generation and what the new one has added slowly and respectfully over the years. There's less focus on change and more on continuity - of yard lights, and of family rituals.

So what's the right song for a rural Christmas? Maybe some combination of "White Christmas", "I'll Be Home For Christmas", and "The Christmas Song", all of which talk about things from our past that we want to remember - warm, happy, home-centric memories. But I like this one - I can see the country lane and the meadow and the snowman, can't you?

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,

in the lane, snow is glistening.

A beautiful sight,we're happy tonight,

walking in a winter wonderland.

Gone away is the bluebird,

here to stay is a new bird

He sings a love song,as we go along,

walking in a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,

Then pretend that he is Parson Brown

He'll say: Are you married? we'll say: No man,

But you can do the job when you're in town.

Later on, we'll conspire,

as we dream by the fire

To face unafraid,the plans that we've made,

walking in a winter wonderland.

It snowed a couple of days ago, and everything got covered in whiteness and a clean beauty. Waking up yesterday morning ago to snow covered branches and a glaze of ice on the lake, birds at the feeder, fire in the hearth... there's a lot to be said for Christmas way out here in the country.

Rocky Redux

After driving around looking at lights last night (such as they are in this little burg up north), J2 and I headed to the movie theatre to see "Rocky Balboa". A nice little outing for father and son.

The movie was a bit introspective (maybe that's Stallone as filmmaker looking at himself, who knows), but the fight scenes were still great, and we both liked the symmetry of the movie vis-a-vis the entire series. It closed a loop, sort of ended where it began.

And it was remarkable how in shape the guy was. He has the sagging skin of a 60 year old (I'm beginning to relate) but underneath that lack of youthful tautness, he was *built*, with enormous arms. Very little fat on the belly, although he was barrel-chested (as one gets over time, despite the best intentions.) The years were evident, but so was the remaining power.

I suppose it's romantic, sentimental, and even a little maudlin to insert oneself into the plot line. And who better than me to do such a thing? ;) One of the things Rocky said was that he still had "stuff inside" that needed to come out - he wasn't done yet - but had no way to express it. Hm. I liked that he found a way to flame out, and not sputter (see last pic in post of 11/28). You know, "old guy does good", that kind of thing.

I still have stuff inside, too, that needs to come out. I'm not done yet, either. So all I need, I guess, is a metaphorical ring to step into. Still looking for the right venue...

Home For Christmas?

I'm dreaming tonight of a place I love
even more than I usually do.
And though I know it's a long road back
I promise you

I'll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents 'round the tree.

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love-light gleams;
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams



I'm not sure about being "home for Christmas" this year - even if it's only in my dreams.

Where is home for me, again? Someone refresh my memory, please - I've forgotten. Show me where home is, would you? I'd like to go there right about now. I'm pretty sure I'll know it when I see it.

Oh boy, a heart to heart!

What did I just get myself into?

Just had my usual 1 on 1 with Pebo in which I told him what I was working on, and then he recapped how he thought things were going.

Following several well-placed criticisms of my staff (like I'm not already painfully aware of these things...) he did wrap up by saying that he and Rug agree that they are seeing much better behaviors from me, which I take to mean more evidence of being engaged, which is in turn derived from delivering more work products, or at least having a plan for same. So that's positive, I guess. I'm not sure I'm doing anything differently, though - it's just that stuff we've had in the queue for a while is getting finished. Hm.

Well, anyway, he had asked the time before how he could help me. I was prepared today to ask for a couple of things. First, could he be less directive and less blunt, more congenial? I had concrete examples that seemed to ring bells with him. So, maybe that will help me feel less intimidated, I don't know. Second, could we take some time after Christmas (we're both in the office between then and New Year's) to have a non-project related discussion about my personality type, work style and fit with his expectations for this current assignment I'm in.

He even agreed to do a little pre-reading for it! He loves to hand out things to read, and I will no doubt wow him by my comprehension of the latest business book he's given to all of us to read, "The Goal" by Eliyahu M. Goldratt. But I think he'll be surprised by my reaction to it - emotional, not intellectual. The intellectual conclusion of the book was obvious. The emotional impact unexpected. (that seems to be my pattern these days - unexpected emotional reactions to things)

So, he's going to read before the 27th some descriptions I gave him of the INTJ/ENTJ personality types (which I fluctuate between - depending on who I'm with and what I'm doing), and will also read the two short Biblical books of Ezra and Nehemiah, so I can relate to him the analogy I laid out in a prior post.

Boy, oh boy. This conversation should be a real corker. Pass the kleenex. Wish I was the one driving across the country with the dog for Christmas. I'd welcome the drive back alone to think and rehearse what I'll say. Instead I fly in and out - and talking to myself out loud on the airplane doesn't usually make the people around me very comfortable. Hope I can distract myself over the holidays and not dwell on this upcoming talk. At least it's scheduled for end of day, so that I can go home afterwards and perspire & shake in private. :)

Conflicting (or converging) Advice?

People are aware of both my job situation and my enrolling in grad school, and I'm getting two consistent streams of advice and counsel these days.

One thread is basically: "Bloom where you're planted. Buckle down and work hard. Give 100% - a day's work for a day's pay. Develop a good reputation. Trust in God and He will deliver you at the right time. Don't try to weasel out of a tough situation - learn whatever lesson is there for you to learn."

The other thread is more like: "Connect with your passions. Use the time you have left to make the biggest impact on those around you, leave a positive legacy behind you. It's never too late to change direction. This is the time of life where you can be free again to grow and change for the better. As long as you're energetic and healthy - follow your heart, trust God for the rest. What is your security in, anyway? Money isn't everything, you know."

So... is one thread of advice right and the other wrong?

Or, can I apply both at the same time somehow? Maybe so - I think the next 3-4 months will tell the tale. A quarter's worth of grad school, at the same time trying to improve things at work, looking at other career options in the meantime... who knows? Maybe I can learn something about myself and life while exploring a new direction for my remaining productive years, be that 5, 15, 25, or 50. Who knows how long?

Like Gandalf says to Frodo, when Frodo wishes out loud to be rid of his burden - wishes "that none of this had happened." Gandalf says to him: "So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

Neither is it for me to decide how much productive time I have left. But what do I do with what I've been given? *How* do I spend it?

Nehemiah I'm not

Lately the sermons at church have been dovetailing with my personal life. And, while that's good, it's also unsettling! Especially so when it's work-related. As frustrating as that has been lately, I've tried to let it stay at the office when I leave, but now even the pastors won't let me!!! :) Hmmm. Ok, maybe it's not them that's pestering me. Maybe it's the One for whom they work.

So on Friday I'm sitting in PeBo's office for my weekly one-on-one with him, trying to keep the hair on the back of my neck down. He is blunt and directive from the start, which puts me immediately on edge, as if I weren't anxious enough already. But, the conversation actually goes pretty well and he ends by saying "I have no issues with you."

!!

How am I supposed to react to that? It almost felt like I was supposed to look at my shoes and say "thank you, kind sir." So I didn't say anything. Then he says: "how are WE doing, you and me?" and I sort of choke. That kind of question is way too multi-faceted to respond to without some thought, so as I'm thinking and looking at the window, he looks at his watch and says "well, you think about it. When we meet next I'd like you to tell me what I can do for you, tell me how I can help you."

Okay, then. Um... at least I have a chance to think about that for a another week. But what do I say? I do want to hang on to this job for a while...

So today I'm listening to the sermon and it seems sort of irrelevant (he was talking about expressing anger - although come to think of it, maybe it's not all *that* irrelevant), until the pastor uses Nehemiah as an example of how to deal with anger well. Then, my head starts to fill with ideas. Not about anger, but about Nehemiah, his contemporary, Ezra, and an analogy that might just fit...

A couple of weeks ago a department head in another area of the company told me "this company has a strong culture of rewarding people who get things done." Do-ers, in other words. Not thinkers, not persuaders, but do-ers.

I think that's what PeBo wants. A do-er. A take-charge guy who will take the long list of things PeBo wants done and do what it takes to make them happen. Seems to me that I am much more a thinker and a persuader than a doer. My most successful career role has been in positions that require intuitive thinking and persuading about what should happen next. I look for patterns in things and try to connect dots, connect ideas, explain why things are the way they are, and then persuade others to see the same thing, and then act on it. I connect people who are thinking similarly, or who need each other to avoid working on the same thing in parallel but at cross purposes.

What came to mind this morning is the difference between Nehemiah and Ezra. Both were involved in the rebuilding of Jerusalem after the Jews' Babylonian exile. But their roles were very different (though complementary) and their reactions to short-sighted behavior very different (though both effective.) If you read the OT books that bear their names, you get a composite picture.

Nehemiah was the skilled administrator and led by command. He was directive and unyielding in his approach to getting things done. He was critical when he needed to be, and gave pats on the back when appropriate. He lined up his resources, prepared a plan, executed it to a T. He lacked much compassion for failure, and harangued people to do what was necessary to accomplish what he knew was right.

Ezra was the visionary and teacher, who led by appealing to principle. He called the people to take the right path, explained to them what it was, and was broken-hearted over failure, publicly abasing himself as an example, taking their shame on himself. He appealed to their better nature, called them to a higher standard, motivated people not with a plan but with a vision and purpose.

PeBo wants a Nehemiah. I think I'm an Ezra.