Distance Management

So here I am sitting at Dunn Bros. Coffee in downtown St. Paul last Thursday morning having a large dark roast (with Splenda and Half&Half) along with Julie, this not-yet-30 y.o. girl whom in May I tried unsuccessfully to recruit to come work for me. We agreed to keep in touch in case the other job she took didn't work out so well. It had been a couple of months, and I was in town, so it seemed like catching up over coffee was in order.

Well, one thing led to another and before I knew it she was asking why this company has such a hard time hiring people in the field offices to do jobs related to Home Office units. "I mean", she says, "don't they know that they can manage people long-distance?"

Um, yeah, I say, that's a hard concept for some people to understand. I go on to explain that I've both done it (managed long-distance) and have been managed that way. So I say "How hard is this to understand, really?" And I ask: "Suppose you were in a long-distance romance. What would you do to make it work across the miles?"

Immediately she had an answer. Apparently she and her now-husband had dated long distance while in college. She said, "oh, it's simple. You'd email, call, write, as often as you could. You'd try to make daily contact somehow, even if it's something little, as if you were really really busy, but still together. Then, you'd plan times each week to talk at more length. You'd carve out the time in your schedules to talk. It doesn't have to be structured while you're on the call, but you commit to a time and keep it if you at all can."

She went on to say "Then, you'd try to see each other every few weeks if you can. Even if it's just a day or a night every 6 weeks or so - you want some face time. Maybe you each have to drive a ways to meet, but you do it because you love each other! And then, just as important, 2 or 3 times a year you plan a trip together, time away, just the two of you, for several days. A long weekend, or a week's vacation. You sacrifice, you make the effort, just because! You are committed to making it work out, and you know you need that time together. You just do it, no matter what. Nothing gets in your way! It's important."

I ask her: "OK, but can this kind of thing be sustained over time?" "Sure!" she says. "People do it all the time. Think of the 2 income professional couples on both coasts, or the military families who are separated for weeks, months, years. They don't give up! They are committed to making it work."

A pause. Silence. She says: "It's like that, isn't it? Without the romance, yes, but it's the same concept. You want to make the situation be the best it can be, given the circumstances, and keep the relationship good, so you put forth the extra effort. You sacrifice in terms of time and travel to make it work, for the sake of both parties. But not everybody wants to sacrifice and put themselves out like that, do they? Not everyone sees preserving something good across the miles as worth the effort - they'd prefer either doing without altogether, or prefer the immediacy of having someone lesser, but close by, to grab when they have a need."

Yes, Julie. Very good. In distance management of any kind, you make it work, because you are committed to a successful relationship with the other person, and that person is valuable to you, even if they are miles away - 100, 500, 1000, 3000. It doesn't matter whether it's a romantic or a family or a work-related relationship. You make sacrifices and work at it; you don't mind the effort because of the reward that follows. You do what you need to do - so that it's successful. Why don't we get that?

Despite my natural introversion, which prefers to shy away from contact, I get it, too. Which is why I was in St. Paul last week visiting work colleagues, and why I'm here this week visiting relatives and friends, alone. I'm trying to make it work. There's relationships that I don't want to lose from neglect. Not to mention the fact that my family circle shrank a bit this last year. I have fewer loved ones left now. So I take vacation, spend some extra money on gas and hotels, and do what's necessary to have even a LITTLE bit of face time with those I love. It's important. I don't always connect with everyone every time, as much as I want, but I hope to do at least some.

Now, I just have to remember the 3 people on my staff who work out of Baltimore. I haven't been there yet. I think I need to schedule a trip... soon.