Viability

my new buzzword. :)

Dr. Shrinkwrap said last week that what I should shoot for now is to start moving from dealing with all the negatives (losses, hurts, disappointments) in my life, to building toward a life that I can increasingly view as viable.

This came up in the context of how the new job is going, and as I discussed it with him, I labeled it as: still nothing really enjoyable, but fewer anxieties about it with every month that goes by. Working from home is good, and the travel to KC seems to be manageable. He said "are you starting to view the job as something you can live with over the longer term horizon? something that won't be so discouraging such that you dread each day?"

And yeah.. I think I can see it that way. :) It's alright. I get nothing out of it personally or vocationally, certainly have no "pride in career" left in me at all, and steadfastly refuse to get involved with the company at any level of emotional interest. It's give them their money's worth (maybe a little more), and leave it at that. No expectations for the future other than a day's pay for a day's work.

Is that viable? I suppose so.

So we went on from there to other areas of life. Are other things viable as they are? If not, can you see how they might get there? What you could add or subtract, area by area, to get that area to viability?

He said that if I can see the major areas of my life as viable, then contentment will not seem far off. And as contentment draws nearer.. joy is also closer at hand.

Small steps in that direction is all that's needed - a little at a time. Slow and steady progress.

We talked a bit about some quality-of-life things I've decided to shoot for in this new year, just for my own well-being (and no, they are NOT mostly materialistic.) He was very pleased, and said that it sounded like I was beginning to value myself a little more.. to want to make little improvements like these.

Maybe so.

Maybe it's part of trying to see the circumstances of my life as becoming more viable. Maybe it's trying to see *myself* becoming more viable as a human being, too, instead of how I've appeared to myself in recent years (which is far from that..)

But what it's *not* is a phony propped up "feel good" campaign about myself. It needs to be based on reality, not just my perception. I can fool myself as much as the next guy - or more. And there'll be none of that, thanks.

Hopefully, what there will be.. is a genuine viability to life. And to this human being I call me.