RCIA

Well.

Also pretty interesting.

My first class for the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults was tonight (although as Sister Penny said, maybe it should be *Catholic* Initiation, since most everyone going through this is already a Christian of one stripe or another. Of the four of us "candidates", three were there because they married a Catholic. Not me! And all of those were Lutherans. Not me! Not anymore, anyway.)

It was quite unlike my first class of TS501 yesterday. The only similarity was the time spent in introductions and sharing. And yet, I can see already that this will be stimulating and disturbing also, just.. not at an intellectual level, so much as at an emotional one.

Something as simple as Sr. Penny going over the schedule of classes, the various rites (of Welcome, Sending, Election), a list of topics, and the many events of Holy Week.. wow. I realized that either I am going to take this seriously and engage honestly the material and the rituals, such as the Sacrament of Reconciliation (aka Confession), confronting it (and letting it confront me), or I have no business being in the classes.

I found myself a little nervous about what I might experience emotionally as I go through this. Even a brief description of the preparations for Initiation made me think about what that Easter Vigil service may be like for me. It could well be as powerful as my Evangelical conversion experience was at 16, but more of a slow buildup to the climactic moment of anointing, rather than the sudden, jolting thunderclap that was my teenage conversion.

Anyway, the whole notion of it gave me pause. Do I want to start down this path? I guess I already have started, but I mean.. once I begin, will I be able (or even want) to resist the conclusion?

I have two weeks to think about it, since I'm in KC again all next week. And when I come back to class, the topic will be.. conversion. How appropriate.

TS501

Well.

That was pretty interesting..

My first class in Systematic Theology I. Oof. This will be both stimulating and worrisome, I can see it already. There's a whole world of ideas that I haven't heard of, many more which I have heard of but don't understand well, and a bunch that I do grasp but don't necessarily trust in the way I used to.

Good teacher. I like him. He is open to the ideas of others, but will gently guide their thinking when it's incomplete. And the man knows his subject well enough to extemporize and shift gears to accomodate discussion, with appropriate examples to clarify.

Ha - he even provided an answer for us to tell people when they ask "well, what did you learn?" I can confidently say with the rest of the class, that tonight I apprehended the differences and the interplay between the neumena and phenomena of Immanuel Kant, epistemologically speaking. :)

Oh yeah, that. What you just said there. Yup. I'm all about that.

The creepy part was that the thing I have been angry at God about for a few years now is pretty much exactly the dilemma Kant articulated, the disconnect between the way things really are in their essence, and our limited knowledge of them via experience (or lack of same.) Example: who God really is, and how we understand Him (or rather, fail to) through our mind and senses.

I have found myself focusing on knowing other things (and people) that I *can* experience, hoping they will substitute for the God Whom I cannot experience. Not the best idea - it gets confusing. And if God is essentially unknowable in His essence... what good are my 5 senses for anything but, as Solomon says, the enjoyment of life, a.k.a. seeking pleasure?

Kierkegaard apparently had the definitive response to Kant, which is: faith! Well.. okay so far.. but then he said that faith has no ground other than in itself otherwise it wouldn't be faith, which I think is just so much horse hockey. But what do I know?

So anyway, here I thought I had an original idea. So much for that notion. Solomon's right again: "there's nothing new under the sun." Hm. Least of all my puny ideas. :)

I'm up!

The cable guy finally left at 5:15 after two hours of poking around, drilling holes, calling the help desk, resetting modems, and the like. But .. it's working, and he fixed what he screwed up. I'm linked to the company's VPN! Now, tomorrow... real work. :)

Well, I *was* on a conference call today, so some real work was done, but mostly the day was spent setting up the office, making sure all items are working and connected, taking inventory of what wasn't, and getting the right people on the task of fixing it.

Took a whole 15 minutes for lunch, and a bit of a break to read a winemaking magazine while the cable guy was in my office. But I will be a good boy tonight and read a little for class tomorrow - the first couple of chapters of Calvin's "Institutes of the Christian Religion" on the subject of how it is we come to learn about God in the first place.

His initial argument is that we can only begin to know God by coming to some knowledge of ourselves, particularly our moral and emotional poverty, and our utter dependence on our surroundings and other persons to survive. So far I buy what he says, that the greater our awareness of our limitations, the more we are receptive to knowledge of God. Ha - based on that logic, I should be the most receptive guy on the planet when it comes to God.. ;)

And then another episode of Ken Burns' new PBS special.. the rest of the bottle of red Zinfandel.. and off to bed. A good day. :)

Here we go..

..the first week of telework.

Hm.

I don't know why I'm so nervous about this, but.. I am.

Will I meet expectations? Will I learn fast enough? Will I work hard enough? Will I work too much? Will I manage to handle studying, too? Will relationships suffer?

It was nice to have J2 up, have fun with college kids over for dinner, meet my Bethel professors at orientation, hear a good band, go to Mass and church, run this morning (in cooler weather), then work with D both outside and inside today to get things in order in yard and office, and finally chill to pizza and beer and Ken Burns' new PBS special. It was a good weekend of non-work activities in between last week's orientation and this week's practical application of it.

Should I worry about my performance? No, of course not. :) Worry accomplishes nothing. I just wish I was more confident that I can do this well. It's rare that I've had a job where I feel this tentative about my success at it. I know I have the knowledge..

But.. I'm very unsure of myself nonetheless. :( I still feel like my world is unstable, and there's another shock around the corner, another loss, just waiting to catch me feeling a little better, and then.. knock the legs out from under me again.

How do I keep from anticipating failure and loss, when it's been so routine for me in recent years, months, weeks? Maybe I'll ask Dr. Shrink-wrap this week, and see what he says. He was right last time..

Gambling in the Elevator

Home. :)

How good it feels. And how strange to find that this house, this town, this area.. is beginning to feel like home, after such a short time.

For the longest time, I had no idea where home was. But, for some reason.. this one is growing on me. Now if I can just figure out where *work* is, in this place that is becoming home.

Should be a nice weekend. J2 is up, with roomie in tow. My new student orientation at grad school is on Saturday, plus college kids we know are coming over for dinner in the evening, too. And Mass.. and church.. Busy! But that's good - a different kind of busy than the rest of this week. Whew..

Ran last night, in the oppressive heat, and made it through the mile loop! Not a bad time, either.. But as I was heading in afterwards, I noticed through the glass walls of the elevator this man and woman walking down my hallway talking. They seemed to know each other.

But then, as I got off the elevator, there was an exaggerated distance between them, and all of a sudden he pretended not to know her. "After you, Miss." he said as they got on. Hmm.. fishy..

Then, as I walked down the hallway, I turned back to look, and sure enough.. he had his hands all over her! She's facing away from me, but he looks up, sees me watching, and winks, as if to say: "Hey, buddy, you know the score, right?"

Yeah, I know the score. But I'm not sure you do.

You may think so, pal, but do you realize what a high-stakes game it is you're playing? Maybe you have nothing to lose, but if you're being furtive.. I'll bet you do. You really should think about not playing this particular game at all. Because in this one.. you're playing against the House, mister, and the odds.. they are *not* in your favor.

Sure, people do have streaks of luck, bad or good (after all, 3000 years ago, the author of Ecclesiastes talked about the wicked appearing to prosper and the righteous being hurt) - so a person may take risks and, with some good luck, for a while may have more than they came in with - but it's a rare person who *stops* risking before he blows everything he's gained and more besides, winding up empty-handed in the end. Nobody beats the House forever, friend. Nobody.

Anyway, home. :) It's nice. It's been a long week.

And brrrrrr.. is it cold up here! Ahhhh.. ;) Lovely.

Wearing me down already..

not in a bad way, though. Just tired.

A variety of meetings today, starting promptly at 8, some with people I've actually talked to more than once! The boss left me to my own devices in a couple of them, and is handing one to me on Monday to be there in his place (by phone, of course). This is progress.

As is getting approval to access certain servers where all the files I need happen to live! It seemed like my email asking for access went into a black hole. :( But it's always good to follow up if there's silence from someone for several days. Maybe it's *not* because they don't care about you.. there's often some other reason. It just seems like they don't care - especially if you're feeling like you're a nuisance and not all that wanted.

I know, I know, that's the insecure teenager talking, coupled with the middle-aged guy who's unceremoniously lost his job a few times.. but still.. silence feels cold sometimes, even if it's not meant to be. And the more you need their response, the worse it feels.

Okay. Enough of that.

I really need a night off. :) These 8AM command performances where all I do is take in more information are wearing on me. Think I'll go to the mall near the hotel, poke around in Borders or something, see what's new. If it weren't so darned hot, I'd run. I'm so sedentary here, I feel restless. A run would help. And maybe, hot or not, I still will. Working up a good sweat might help my mood, too.

Gossip and grouper

It was a very different day today from yesterday. I'm wrung out.

With every new job there's a state of information overload, and I've reached the point of mental exhaustion with it, but I still have 2 days to go in this orientation week. The expression "like drinking from a fire hose" sure applies.

But today the focus was not just on data and systems and jargon, but more on who's who and what pitfalls to avoid with which people. I still haven't seen an org chart yet, so it's a mystery how this place is organized, but I think I'm homing in on it.

Met another teleworker (as they call us) today who was in the office for some meetings. I'll be working with him routinely, it turns out. He's a great guy, and lives in a little burg NW of Milwaukee. We agreed to have coffee sometime when I am visiting the area - whenever that might be. He's a long-time Wisconsinite, knows my hometown well, and he gave me a few "off-the-record" tips that may come in handy, as to how to make this telecommuting thing work better when I get home. Shhhh! You didn't hear it from me.. ;)

Dinner with the boss (still no nickname yet.. have to work on that) was lovely. More office gossip (or rather, inside info on people) over a bottle of Fume' Blanc, some lobster bisque, goat cheese & kalamata olive tapenade on foccacia bread, and finally an entree' of potato-wrapped Blue Nose Grouper with creamed leeks and a wine reduction sauce. Whew. It's a wonder I could still type, back at the hotel.

The boss has a predeliction, however, for 8AM meetings. And given that my hotel is a half-hour from the office.. I am not a happy boy in the mornings. :( 8AM meetings won't be so bad if I'm still in my underwear down in the den. ;) Try not to picture that. And no, they don't provide web cams, thank God.

I belong. :)

Today was one of those days where you see signs of being official:

I got the meet and greet tour, got my ID badge, parked in the employee lot instead of the visitor lot, sat in two meetings (and was told by my boss's boss "Wow.. you're contributing already!"), found the cafeteria and mail room all by myself, ordered business cards and the corporate credit and phone cards, got on email distribution lists, and began a project list. :)

Gee.

This is good, right?

And, even better.. too busy to think. The therapist was right. It helps a little to have more to do and think about this week.. less time to focus on pain and loss.

Oh, and.. they have free coffee and tea on every floor, all day. Hm. Not a bad idea to provide your employees legal stimulants at the workplace. I do notice that the bathrooms are crowded. ;)

Whew!

One down.

First day jitters were not too bad. :)

HR stuff in the morning, lunch with boss and co-worker (hmm.. need to think up blog-y nicknames..), afternoon with IT (laptop & systems seem to work fine.) Email goes out and comes back.. so far so good.

Tomorrow, my first meeting about a work issue, so first new faces to meet (and names to forget..) plus an orientation with the telecommuting support unit leader (by phone - she also works from home), plus dinner with the boss.

Not a bad day. Looks interesting tomorrow, too. No real snags so far. Even ran this morning! Yuk. :( Too hot down here. Love that pedometer, though.. no measured running loop needed! :)

Wearing a tie today, and with a coordinated brown/brown ensemble.. I clearly overdressed. ;)

Oh,man.. so much to learn..

but so far everyone's nice. :)



And for those of you who were on prayer support yesterday and today (whether you were drafted, or volunteered without my knowledge)... thanks! Good work.

A Better Resurrection

A BETTER RESURRECTION

by: Christina Rossetti (1830-1894)

I have no wit, no words, no tears;
My heart within me like a stone
Is numb'd too much for hopes or fears;
Look right, look left, I dwell alone;
I lift mine eyes, but dimm'd with grief
No everlasting hills I see;
My life is in the falling leaf:
O Jesus, quicken me.

My life is like a faded leaf,
My harvest dwindled to a husk:
Truly my life is void and brief
And tedious in the barren dusk;
My life is like a frozen thing,
No bud nor greenness can I see:
Yet rise it shall--the sap of Spring;
O Jesus, rise in me.

My life is like a broken bowl,
A broken bowl that cannot hold
One drop of water for my soul
Or cordial in the searching cold;
Cast in the fire the perish'd thing;
Melt and remould it, till it be
A royal cup for Him, my King:
O Jesus, drink of me.

Onward

Okay.

Breathe deep..

Wipe eyes..

Square shoulders..

Lift chin..

Look forward..

Ready?



One foot in front of the other, man..

Let's go.

Therapy, schmerapy

What did I think he was going to say, anyway? Snap his fingers and just solve things? Have me recite some magic mantra that will make pain go away?

What he *did* say that I think is right to the point is that it's a good thing I will be in orientation all next week in a real office. It will make it easier to keep my mind off what's eating at me, if I am trying to assimilate a bunch of new information, and having to deal with a bunch of strange new people. Less time to think and mope. Not as easy to be in a blue funk as if I were sitting at home. A big distraction is good sometimes. Not forever, we still need to deal with it, but.. during the worst part, it can help.

Yeah, I get that. He's right. Then maybe when I'm back and starting to work, I'll feel enough of a sense of urgency to get started on my assignments and show some progress (since I'll be down there again the first week in October, the boss tells me), that there'll be little time to think.

People tell me that it works - keep yourself busy so you don't think as much. I'll try it. I haven't been busy for quite a while. And like they say about idle hands (and, I suppose, an idle mind)...

yeah.

So, this afternoon for instance, I think I'll try to busy myself with some stuff, whether I'm in the mood for it or not. Like beef tenderloin with mustard & capers sauce for dinner. Like unpacking my winemaking stuff in the basement, organizing it. Like putting up the decorative window film in the lounge (it arrived today. Cool!)

Keep busy, buddy.

And don't even think about that 7 hour drive alone on Sunday..

Anger must help you run..

or else I'm getting in better shape.

My fastest 1.5 miles yet, and no warm glistening behind my ears until the 1.2 mile mark, no annoying trickle down my collar until the last 1/4 mile. And a kick at the end, yet.

Maybe my pace was quickened by the anger. Damn this therapy for releasing it.

I'm angry at my brother for dying when he did and so much unresolved with me, for not waiting until Dad passed first as it should have been, for not taking better care of himself and living the life he did.

I'm angry at the heavens for being brass right now. Nothing is getting through, in either direction. I know, Dt. 28:33 says it will be this way, but why now? Yes, it's only been a few days since last weekend, but why now? Couldn't it have lasted a few months instead of a few days?

I'm angry at the ether for being silent & cold. Am I full of such malice that I should be shut out like this by the elements that hang the world together and link us with each other?

I'm angry at myself for all that I do and don't do, the comission and the omission, the failure and the faithlessness, the rebellion and the reaching, the discontent and the drifting.

And so I run faster, further.



I wonder if John Donne was a runner:

A HYMN TO GOD THE FATHER.
by John Donne

I.
WILT Thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin, through which I run,
And do run still, though still I do deplore?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done,
For I have more.

II.
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sin their door?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallowed in a score?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done,
For I have more.

III.
I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore ;
But swear by Thyself, that at my death Thy Son
Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore ;
And having done that, Thou hast done ;
I fear no more.




If you can hear me through the brass... forgive, take away my fear? Let me hear what I long to hear? That there is mercy in you, that you will use it, and restoration between us is possible?

Speak. My heart waits..

Why am I not excited?

about starting work?

I don't know, everything feels flat. Life feels flat. No texture, no contours, no thickness or lightness or smoothness or silkiness or roughness, no.. nothing.

Talked to the therapist again today. Still didn't use the tissue box. Close, but.. nope.

He asked how my week was. "Oh, up and down" I said. The up part was easy to talk about. My trip on Thursday/Friday was the up part. The down part was not so easy. So he made a space for me in his schedule on Friday and we'll see if I can talk about it then. I believe the tissue box will get used. :(

Most of the session today was about work/career - how I view it, what effect on my self-worth it has, rightly or wrongly, and ... well, many other things that are best left on the therapist's couch. And no, I still didn't lie down. I was on the couch but.. sitting up.

He did have a couple of helpful little suggestions. I think I'll like working with him. But I'll know better after Friday..

The rest of the time was spent on filling in family history, childhood, adolescence, and, as is normal for me, tears come when I don't expect them to. And when I talked about my brother.. I kind of lost it. Guess I hadn't realized how much his death last year still clung to me, and how upset I still was at him for what he made of his life, and for falling off that big white charger I always had him riding on as my boyhood idol.

It's pretty tough to stay on a white charger for very long. I've fallen from one often enough to know. Maybe that's why I drive a black one..

Getting nervous

... about next week. Or something.

Trying to get stuff finished up this week while I have time: doctor, dentist, vision, haircut, business phone, office stuff, blah, blah..

Edgy, restless, upset.. all day. D noticed, but I couldn't explain to her what it was, exactly..

I can't concentrate, have no appetite. Nothing tastes good.

Something seems off, but..

I don't know how to fix it. :(

Wrapping up and settling in

When I headed out on Thursday for a couple of days, I prayed for clarity (and closure, if needed) in certain unsettled areas of my life, including that last lingering job interview. Hm. It turned out to be more of a vounteer consulting assignment where I simply got my expenses covered, rather than an interview.

Still, it seemed good to help them think about what kind of person they need to hire, and I felt like I was helpful to them. Nice people.. just not ready to make a hiring decision; that may be months and months off. Too long for me to wait! They understood, and were appreciative of the time I spent with them discussing possibilities, even if those possibilities didn't include me. :)

It was a good trip all around, though. And I got the clarity I wanted. Good clarity. The kind that brings resolution and peace of heart.

So, back at the ranch.. wrapping up a few items of unfinished business. Like putting up the record racks in my lounge! :)














And, rearranging some of the decorations..







Plus, place my textbook order for Systematic Theology class, send off for a little decorative window film for the lounge windows, put down a deposit on a few winter-hardy grapevines for Spring planting.. ahhh. Nice to know where I'll be for a while, and can finish getting settled.

Now, only one more week of unemployment! A few more exotic meals to cook, winemaking equipment to unpack and arrange, one last test to correct so I can turn in grades that are due this week, and.. order some new home-office furniture and supplies from the on-line catalog my new company emailed to me.

Getting ready for a long steady stretch coming up, on many fronts, I hope. Long, steady, and.. happy? That'd be nice. :)

Unpack the boxes...

... put up the record racks, order the window treatments, call the lawn guy for the fall feeding, buy my Systematic Theology I textbooks from Amazon, start a batch of wine in the basement. Yeah! We're staying right here. :)

And maybe by the end of the month, I'll get a paycheck. Now I just have to deserve it. ;) I'll be, um.. working on that.

Hey.. I'll be working! Period! And.. out of my own house, no less. Woohoo!

Feeling kind of flat

So I'm driving back tonight from a speed run to the local Landmark Theatre to grab a new sampler CD before they're all gone.. (since I'm leaving in the morning and won't get back until Saturday night.) I pull into the garage, hop out, prize in hand, and I hear a lawn sprinkler running. What the? It's 8:30 at night. Why is D running the sprinkler.. wait.. that's not a sprinkler.. it's like, air hissing or something.

Walking out into the yard the sound goes away. Back in the garage it's loud. Oh oh..

Sure enough, it's my left rear tire. I feel the top of the tire and there's air blowing out. Some kind of metal shard is in the tire, but I can't pull it out. Into the house for a pliers, which works fine, and the hissing stops. What the heck is this thing? Woah.. it's a broken off blade from a carpet cutter. Where in the world did I pick this up?

Well, now what do I do? I gotta leave in the morning and the spare is one of those dinky little spares that isn't highway rated. Poop. Okay, call AAA. Maybe they have roadside service from a place with a service bay who can patch the tire first thing in the morning..

No such luck. Some crazy joint with a name like "Tex's Towing & BBQ" is dispatched, and it will take them an hour and a half to get here! Argh! But, the AAA rep is nice and searches for a service station in the area and finds one that's open until 11 tonight and can handle a flat repair! Woo! Maybe I'll lose a little sleep but still get underway in the morning. That'll still work.

So the tire change service is supposed to be here by 10. Plenty of time to get the flat to the station. Four calls to AAA later, he shows up at 10:55. So much for getting it fixed tonight. Up early to get the flat in when the station opens at 7. Maybe I can still leave close to on time..

Shrink-wrapped and ready to go!

Let's start with the ready to go part.

J1 is heading out, with the dog in tow, tomorrow morning to rendesvous with her furniture in California. (sigh) Wish she wasn't leaving, just when we barely got within driving distance, but.. what are ya gonna do? She's always had a mind of her own, and is a cussedly determined sort when she locks in on something. Now is no exception. She's had this move in her head (one version or another) for years.

J2 drives her to the airport and will hang on to her car until he can shake loose for a weekend and bring it up north for me to try to sell. He can't afford the insurance for another year until he turns 21, and by that time who knows what kind of vehicle he'll want? His preferences change with the seasons. Always have. The difference between those two kids is profound.

As for me, I faxed back the acceptance letters for the telecommuting offer, so they can start the background checks and try to get me on the payroll by the 17th. I redo the drug test tomorrow, at the right lab this time, and then I think I'm all set. :)

Alright, then, on to the shrink. Excuse me .. THERapist. Had my initial consultation today with the guy. Seems nice enough, and so far a good combination of being directive when necessary and yielding ground when appropriate. I think we'll get along. He has a decent couch-side manner (actually I took an arm chair), except for the pained look he puts on his face when I refer to some negative experience. I wonder if he practices that look in front of the mirror, or asks his wife if he looks sincere..

No tissues needed today, but I can imagine there might be a need for some as he peels the onion a bit. I have a feeling that he is going to be able to open me up like a paper grocery bag. ;) But I draw the line at guided imagery or hypno-therapy! Don't even..

On a culinary note.. oh, that eggplant lasagna was tasty! Leftovers last night, and mmmm.. so good. Tomorrow: tomato-fennel soup! Bought my first fennel bulb today. First time I ever saw one, in fact. What a funky looking critter that is! Sort of alien. Smells kind of anise-y. Also bought my first shallots today. Never saw those before, either. Kind of nondescript little things, in a little mesh baglet. Hm.. this ought to be interesting. Maybe it will go well with meatloaf..

And finally, my last class as an adjunct professor for a while is tonight. Maybe I'll teach again in winter after I have one Systematic Theology course behind me and have worked in the new job for 3 months and know what's expected from both. Oh my poor students.. a 60 minute timed test.. they're terrified. :) heeheeheehee..

Labor Day, Under The Sun

dawned clear and warm. Should be a lovely hot and sunshine-y day (for those of you who like such things, I say from my cool and dark basement lair from which I'll not venture far today.)

Why don't we celebrate "rest from labor" day?

Ahh.. but we're supposed to. That's what the Sabbath is for. "Six days shall you labor and do all your work. But remember the sabbath day to keep it holy." Instead most of us work 5 days, and then work hard at recreation the other two, packing our weekends with stuff and not really getting rest.

Others, like me, have too much rest and wouldn't mind working at *least* 5 days, even 6. So I take up shopping and cooking and cleaning bathrooms to pass the time until I can work again. Soon, though! Offer accepted, release forms signed & faxed back, so the background checks can begin. Still hoping for a 9/17 start in the KC office for a week of orientation. That's if the background checks get done on time, they say. God, please expedite those.. I'm tired of sitting here. Wish school would start.

The textbook list got posted on the school website yesterday, and Amazon had them all. :) Only about $120 this time for half a dozen texts. No syllabus up yet, but .. it'll come. I'll wait to place the order until after I've had that last interview, just to be sure, but.. I'm as sure as I can be that I'll be starting class on the 24th.

Systematic Theology I. Mmmm... I can hardly wait. :) Hope it doesn't screw up my faith even more! ;) Maybe it will help clarify things in my head - give me a system to argue against or something. I think I come to believe something by mentally demolishing the opposite position. What a contrarian! I'll make a good "old codger" when I get to be of a certain age.

Stop that. I know what you're thinking.

So back to Labor Day. I was thinking of all the ways that the word "labor" is used in the Scriptures (which I won't detail for you here, don't worry), from the work a woman goes through in delivering a baby, to work used as punishment when under oppression, to work producing rewards (firstfruits), to companions in work (Paul's "fellow laborers"), to the rest promised to those who have been burdened with work. So many different senses of the word..

And then there's the paradoxical references in Ecclesiastes about the futility of work and the blessing of it. How strange:

"For what has man for all his labor, and for the striving of his heart with which he has toiled under the sun? For all his days are sorrowful, and his work burdensome; even in the night his heart takes no rest. This also is vanity. Nothing is better for a man than that he should eat and drink, and that his soul should enjoy good in his labor. This also, I saw, was from the hand of God." ----- Eccl. 2:22-24

Huh? So, which is it then? Meaningless? Or a gift from God? Or... a meaningless gift from God? Hm.. that doesn't seem right, either. Maybe.. meaningless in and of itself, but.. a good thing when God gives you joy in it?

I don't know. It's confusing.

I've had work that I've found joy in, but seldom. Mostly it's been sorrowful, burdensome, meaningless, vanity, a chasing after the wind. The enjoyment has come when the work fit me well, like a custom-tailored shirt with no pinching or chafing, and when those around me were happy with what I was doing for them and with them. How rare that's been. But, I've seen it - I know it's possible.

So.. this time? Next time? Never again? In retirement? Who knows?

We spend so much time working, that I think Solomon's right: there's nothing better than if your soul can enjoy good in your labor. And I look forward to the next time that happens. It really will seem like a gift from God.

Are you saved???

Uhh.. from what?

by what?

for what?

That was the theme this morning. The answer to all three questions, of course, was God. Saved from His wrath, by His grace, for His use. Yup. Can't disagree. Plus it makes for a good 3-point sermon.

But when the pastor said "The question 'Are you saved?' is the most critical question that can ever be asked of someone.", I had to disagree. Even he, in the same message, acknowleged that salvation is used in the Bible in the past tense, in the present tense, (both *are* saved, and are *being* saved), and in the future tense. He agreed with the Biblical writers that salvation is a process, which is more like the Catholic view of things (weekly Eucharist, regular reconciliation and penance) than the Evangelical date-in-time transactional view.

I think the better question is: "are you seeking to know God?"

For one, it relates to the post-modern culture better. "Being saved" doesn't. The pastor even said that people today don't believe they are accountable to God for their actions, and that there's no imminent threat of danger. They think (in a moral sense) "sure, I smoke in bed, leave candles burning all night, don't own a fire extinguisher, so what? My house hasn't burned down yet; and I just don't think it's going to. If it happens, it happens, I'll deal with it then. Why call the fire department when my house isn't burning?"

So then.. why ask them the moral question that way, as if you were talking about fire hazards and danger? But you can ask (morally): "do you like what's in your house, and what happens there? Is it ideal as is, or could it be better? Does it reflect who you are as a person?"

Two, it is less of a transactional view of spirituality, and more of a relational view, which is the original idea from back in the Garden anyway. It's not a test to which you must have the right answers.. instead it's spending time walking and talking with the teacher, learning what he knows & knowing who he is.

Three, the Scriptures teach that anyone who seeks God will find Him, and that He has marked His own for salvation before the foundation of the world, and that no one seeks God unless God draws him to look, so.. if you are seeking to know God, the salvation part will take care of itself. It's a given.

Finally, the Bible uses salvation in different ways, but mostly it's in the sense of being rescued from something bad, be it the threats of an enemy, the consequences of our wrong actions, or the potential loss of what is dear to us. It's not unlike the way we might say a beaten-up boxer was "saved by the bell" ringing at the end of a brutal round, or that a junkie/prostitute was "saved from the streets" by a rescue mission worker and/or rehab, or that a suicidal person was "saved from himself" by being talked back from the brink and gotten into therapy, or that an alcoholic was "saved from the gutter" by AA, etc. Unless you're facing calamity or consequences or threats... who needs to be saved?

But.. anyone can understand the question "are you seeking to know God?" Especially in our current culture where "being a spiritual person" is considered a good thing.

So, are you seeing to know God?

If so.. press on. He'll make sure you find Him. Because.. even *wanting* to seek is evidence that the relationship is already underway. He'll do His part: reveal. You do yours: seek.

If not.. why not? Are you afraid that if you do seek Him, that He'll intrude into your life and make you change what you're doing and what you value? Or is it because you have no need to be better than you are right now, you're just fine the way you are and need nothing from anyone, God included? Or is it because, even if there is a God.. you simply don't care?

Those are the scary answers. Not because morally your "house is on fire". But because they reveal what's inside your house (or speaking metaphorically.. inside your heart.) Do you like what you see there? House (and heart) without God living in it?

To me, that's the critical question.

Ahh, September..

the gateway to Fall. I love this transition month as heat yields to cold.

And, I love the September of my years, too, as Sinatra would say. Yes, it does come with advantages. ;)

I discovered a new advantage this morning, right after my what-seems-to-be-developing-into-a-daily-at-least-as-long-as-it's-dry-and-cool-in-the-morning run. And lest you think I've defected to the ranks of the athletic, I still hate running. Hate it! I only do it because it's good for me, and it keeps the sagging body from sagging any faster than it really needs to.

And while we're on the subject, have you ever watched runners run? Oh, I don't mean the competitive track and field people; I mean the regular people who do this a lot, either as a hobby or a discipline. I've never *once* seen one who smiles while they run. They all look like they're either in pain or resigned to the suffering that running brings. Nobody runs exultantly!

So what if running adds years to your life? Who wants to spend those extra years in the misery of running? I don't get it.

What's my excuse, then?

Oh.. just.. stop asking so many nosy questions!

Where was I now? Running doesn't help the brain work any better, apparently..

Oh! Yeah.. advantages to aging. And no, I don't mean getting the senior discount, smart-aleck. That's a loooong way off yet. :P

What I do get is the advantage of using (drum roll..) the age-adjusted fitness charts! Hey! This is a good thing.

Back in college (um.. that's the *first* time), there was a hot fitness book out called "The New Aerobics" by Dr. Kenneth Cooper. He studied a bunch of military (NASA) personnel, identified the fittest people through a variety of means, correlated that with their abilities to do certain exercise activities, and developed a simple way of assessing their overall fitness. It was this: how far can you run in 12 minutes?

He said that to be considered in "good" condition (one level below excellent, three levels above "call 911"..), a male under 30 needed to cover 1.5 miles in 12 minutes. Ha! That's nothin', you say. Yeah, right. Just go out there and try. It ain't nothin'.

(a woman under 30 would have to cover 1.35 miles in 12 minutes, by the way, to be considered in good physical condition, for those of you with an interest in such things.)

So during my college years, I worked and worked at that goal (yes, miserable the whole time).. lost a lot of weight in the process.. and got to that distance in 12 minutes for a brief period at age 19, and never since.

But for a guy who was the fattest kid in his high school, it was a milestone. I still remember freshman gym class where everybody, "Everybody!", coach said, had to run a quarter mile in under 2:00 or the whole class would get an F. I hated that man with all I had in me. The first day of the track unit, I was still 2/3 of the way around the track when the 2:00 whistle blew - the only boy who hadn't made it.

If it hadn't been for Roger Karl forgetting his jockstrap that day, and the vivid image of him running around the track with his.. (oh, man, it's still hilarious after all this time).. I think I would have been lynched that day. But they were too busy laughing at "big Rog", and giving him all sorts of novel nicknames. Well, after two weeks of being ridiculed, I finally made it in 1:59, and collapsed in a redfaced, gasping, sweaty blob on the track. The other guys shrugged and said "Finally!", and we all could move on to baseball. Creeps.

So where was I going with this? The mind is a slippery entity..

Oh! Yeah.. the charts. So, after that brief moral victory at 19, I've deteriorated since then, and thought I would never, never get back to the "good" category. But ha! Shows you what modern medicine can do .. better living through chemisty. :) Now I'm in the 50+ bracket and, woo! I only have to cover 1.25 miles in 12 minutes (or run 1.5 miles in under 15 minutes, either way), and I did both this week! Ha!

All of a sudden I kind of like running now. Or maybe, I don't hate it quite so much. :)

Drug test a drug.. bust?

So when you get a job offer, they give you 72 hours to get a drug test done. This is normal procedure.

What's not normal is that they send you to the wrong clinic.

The cover letter says "call this 800 number to find the testing lab nearest you." Okay. I call, and sure.. there's one about 4 miles away, no appointment necessary. So I just drop in. Problem is.. the chain of custody form they sent me with the offer is for a competing lab to the one the 800 number gave me. They can't use their competitor's form. They don't even have an account with the hiring company! Huh?

So I call the person whose name is on the cover letter. She's out. I leave a message. Then I call the person whose name is on the bad form. She's out. I leave a message. I begin to see a disturbing pattern emerge. So I call the person in HR who is in charge of the whole recruitment process. She's in meetings until 2, leaving the office at 3:30. I leave a message. 3:45, 4:00.. no call back.

So I call my recruiter to tell her that I will most assuredly miss the window for taking my drug test, since it's Friday, and the 72 hours is up Sunday night, not to mention that it's Labor Day weekend. No doubt I will be fired before I even start. Does she have any bright ideas? Alas, my recruiter is out, along with the rest of the free world. I leave a message. The message goes something like this:

AAAAAAAAH!

Later, the recruiter calls and says, don't worry about it. I'll call the HR lady Tuesday AM - it's their fault, they'll fix it. Relax, have a nice weekend. Okay, okay..

I felt better after I made Shrimp de Jonghe for dinner. Wowzers. Tasty! I'll make that again. :) Maybe with a bit less butter.

Oh yeah, and before I forget.. J2 & friends helped J1 load her stuff on the moving truck today, and it left for California. :( She and devil-dog follow it on Wednesday.

Bye-bye, Kitten.. I'll miss you. And you be a good boy for her, buddy. :(

Fair is fair

Finally! The written offer letter arrived this morning - I have until 9/6 to accept. I um... doubt it will take me that long. :)

They offer a complete teleworker office setup - desk, chair, cabinets, shelves, the whole bit, that I can order from a catalog. They pay for a dedicated phone line and for the high-speed internet hookup, too. I really have very little out of pocket to get started. And the terms are as expected, fair all the way around. Pay is reasonable, benefits seem good, I have to travel as needed for "face time", be available during certain working hours, etc. Seems fair. They even raised my vacation to 4 weeks without being asked, prorated for the rest of this year. *Very* fair.

Whew. I can breathe. :)

Now I just have to learn how to manage my time well without putting on a shirt and tie and driving to an office.


On another subject, the State Fair was.. more than fair. It was nice! Quite a bit bigger, cleaner and nicer than my former home state.

Some representative pictoral highlights follow.

LIFO, FIFO..

..schmifo.

Taught methods of inventory tonight. Ugh. This syllabus is all screwed up. They skip the chapters on Balance Sheet and Income Statement and then try to teach methods of determining your cost of goods sold. Why? Without the first two topics you don't even know to *care* about cost of goods sold..

Plus, this is a math class! It's not economics, it's not accounting.. it's math! Grr... if I teach this course again, I'll change a few things.

Next week we *finally* get to talk about cool stuff: measures of central tendency and measures of dispersion. Something exciting, you know? I mean, who doesn't like to discuss mean, median, mode, standard deviation, and the normal distribution? Ahh.. real math. :) Thrills my nerdy heart.

There's a beauty and a romance to math, you know.. Really!

Hey, as a little test, let's see if I can't throw together a quick bit of poetry just on the spur of the moment here about the beauty of math.. I pledge not to take more than 2 minutes, including editing.

Let's go with a haiku, since it uses a scheme of prime numbers for its syllables :) (5 + 7 + 5 = 17... all primes)


come and count with me
show to me your symmetry
let me take your sum


mmm... romantic, isn't it? Math can stir your blood if you let it..



Okaaaay. I'm sure I've lost some of you. ;)

So back to the practical. I heard from the recruiter today that the written offer letter I've been fretting over is hung up in New York awaiting one last signature. (sigh) It *will* come out, she says. Okay. At least it's a plausible explanation. And depending on how long it takes, I may be able to squeeze in my last interview at the little company in Southern WI before I have to say yes or no. I suppose that would be good.

Tomorrow, off to the state fair! Yay! Elephant ears! Cheese curds! Taffy apples! Farm animals! Spam burgers! (Really. Not to mention Ole and Lena's Hot Dish On A Stick.)

I'm sure I'll be ill on Thursday, but.. so what? I don't have to work! :) hahahahahahahahaha...

Like that's funny.

Sorbet or Small Group?

Which do I want to focus on today, food or church...

Oh, neither, I suppose. But they're both worth a quick mention.

Overnight guests on Thursday brought cantaloupe, and it didn't all get eaten, so ... what do you do with leftover cut-up melon? Just Google it and see! And sure enough, out came a splendid little recipe for cantaloupe sorbet - just fruit, sugar (maybe just a bit too much.. the melon was plenty sweet), a little orange juice, some salt, puree, pour into bowls and freeze. Yummy! :) Warm, it sort of had the texture of a smoothie, without the yogurt, but when frozen was verrrry sorbet-like. Easy, too.

Morrocan carrot soup coming up this week. With cardamom, ginger and ground pistachios.. mmmm. And maybe eggplant lasagna!

Mass Saturday was back at St. Rose's, and better than last week. They keep playing music there that brings back "good" Evangelical memories. It's odd, but nice. This time "You Are My Hiding Place" was the offertory, which I used to sing as part of a "round" years ago. Lovely. The priest at St. Rose's just loves to sing - loudly, and he's got a good voice. He leaves his mic on all the time, and I heard him throwing in spontaneous harmony lines on the Acclamation songs. Yay! If he can do it.. then so can I!

Church once again at Calvary, better than last week. Again asked some questions - continues to look like a good place to join, will probably do something with the younger couple we know from Milwaukee over next weekend. Perhaps they will invite us to join their small group Bible study? That'd be nice.

Still no written offer letter from the KC company as of Saturday's mail. :( Maybe Monday...

Teresa's Crisis of Faith

This is stunning.

"I call, I cling, I want - and there is no one to answer - no one on whom I can cling - no, no one. - Alone ... where is my faith?"

"How can you assume the lover's ardor when he no longer grants you his voice, his touch, his very presence?"

"The more I want him - the less I am wanted"

Who would believe this of her? And yet..

to be able to live in complete doubt, but complete trust, at the same time, and

to have hidden it, kept so many from knowing her doubts, for so long, and

to still, even in the midst of the greatest dryness, retain the intense desire to believe..

hm.

This is really familiar.



I'm glad I haven't waited until after my death to begin to talk about my crisis of faith.

But I also wish I hadn't waited nearly 50 years to begin.

Waiting (updated)

No more waiting!! Yay!

The telecommuting offer is still good, and hard copy of the offer is en route.. plus the little company in Southern WI called.. they want me to visit. More later, after I enjoy my Sicilian barley soup and ratatouille salad.. :) (oh yeah, watermelon for dessert.)

There. Much better. :)

The ratatouille salad was marvelous! And colorful. :) (photo suitable for enlarging - just click)


Eggplant, green and yellow zucchini, orange and white bell peppers all coated with olive oil and baked until browned and soft. Then, tossed with feta & parmesan cheese and grape tomatoes and balsamic vinegar. Wow. Really good.

And the soup - mmmm. Maybe a little too much black pepper (when they say "to taste" - I just dump some in).. but some people would think there wasn't enough. Anyway, it was pretty, and good. Never got time to grill the sweet Italian sausage, though. Too many phone calls at 5 and 5:30. But, good phone calls! And hey - a vegetarian meal now and then isn't a bad thing. ;)

Okay. The latest. A hard offer to telecommute should be in hand by the weekend. Start date 9/17. Decent terms. So.. I called the grad school and cancelled the on-campus apartment. Whew! I wasn't looking forward to that. :( And now I can sign up for RCIA classes in fall, too, as it looks pretty likely I'll be here.

But no ordering the lawn service to fertilize for fall, and no ordering window treatments upper and lower, and no further unpacking in the basement until the little company in Southern WI has their say. There's one last thing to rule out - or accept - before any more is committed to at this house. But that will certainly be settled before 9/17, and before grad school classes start on 9/24.

Their HR guy is setting up a trip and interview itinerary, while the HR gal from the KC company is inquiring into the details of needed computer and office equipment at the house here. Still spinning multiple plates, but.. only two. :) And on only one path: transitioning to teaching, yes. But gradually, and with less debt.

(sigh) Good.

Good. Good.

I'm ready to work again. And study - systematic theology I, II, and III. :)




*****venting from earlier in the day*****

This is driving me crazy! :(

Grad school housing is calling, asking: when are you going to pick up your keys? Move in to the apartment?

I DON"T KNOW!!! (sorry for shouting..)

It's like singing tenor in choir. I just want to resolve this last suspended chord, you know? It's been sustained so long waiting for the Director to direct the ending! When will He wave the baton? I keep drawing little catch breaths to be able to keep singing, but...

At least I have mid-terms to grade, and ratatouille salad to prepare for tonight. SOMEthing!

A debtor to grace

We sang "Come Thou Fount" Sunday morning. Best part of the service.

The verse of that hymn that always grips me is this:

O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

Even with a heart that's prone to wander from God, and wander from people I love, somehow God's grace overcomes that wanderlust, that tendency to drift. It redeems bad circumstances and even bad choices to produce good in and though me.

Some of you must get tired of hearing me bemoan my shortcomings and failings. It must seem to you that I dwell on them to the point where I begin to wear them like battle scars, badges of honor.

That's not it, really. It's just that the list of faults is so very long and pervasive, it's overwhelming to me on almost a daily basis, especially when juxtaposed against God's mercy and grace. Thinking about my uselessness to God and others tends to make me keenly aware of the amazing-ness of God's grace toward me, that grace which makes something good out of.. very little good.

In 2 Corinthians 12 Paul seemed to be bragging about his long list of weaknesses, too. Even when he pleaded with God to give him some relief from one of his trials, God said no - but kept him in suffering mode. He says: "But He said to me, 'My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, My power is made perfect in you.' So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ's power can live in me."

I'm amazed at the mercy of God, His unconditional love, and the kind extention of His grace toward me - for no good reason other than.. He chooses to give it.

Again from Paul in Ephesians 2: "But God's mercy is great, and he loved us very much. Though we were spiritually dead because of the things we did against God, he gave us new life with Christ. You have been saved by God's grace."

The more amazed I am at His mercy and grace toward me.. the more I can show mercy and grace to others who need it.

You're *how* old? No way...

Yes, way!



I found myself having this internal conversation this morning as I was washing up:

> Look at you. You're 51 years old.

~ I am not.

> Are too.

~ No way! I don't care what it looks like on the outside. On the inside I'm not even 30 yet!

> You are so full of it. Why can't you accept this? You are *not* in your twenties anymore.

~ Yeah, but even the mirror should tell you that I'm in nearly the best shape of my life, except for that brief window in college..

> You looked verrrrry different in college.

~ Okay.. I was scrawny then. I'm more muscular now: I can chin myself for the first time ever. And so my hair is distributed a little differently. ;) So what? I can run faster and longer now than I could in high school! Did you check my mile run time yesterday?

> You mean you can't see any "other" changes that have happened since college?

~ Sure I can! But.. you're implying they're all bad! Some are really good changes. The wrinkles by the eyes, for instance. ;)

> Oh, right. Except the eyes don't focus like they used to, do they?

~ Hey. Lots of people need glasses - even when they're young. Gosh-o-Pete, dipstick! Where's your sense of humor?? :) Remember Sinatra's "Man in the Looking Glass" from his "September of My Years"?

> He *had* to sing that one, stupid, just for some comic relief! Otherwise he would have cried through the whole "getting old" album. I think you're fooling yourself, knothead. Your body isn't the same, and what's more.. you are different inside, too. C'mon.. admit it..

~ Oh, dry up! Killjoy.. Give me a sec to think of a snappy comeback.

> Take your time. I know you don't think as fast as you used to..

~ &$*% $#^!

> Hm. Maybe you are still a child.

~ Alright, how about my increased vitality vis-a-vis my 40's? Clearer recognition of my limits vis-a-vis my 30's? And the increased softness of the heart vis-a-vis my 20's?

> Wellll.. you're softer all right. I don't have to remind you of where. Take your pick.




At this point, we *both* took a time out, and I started to think about how it is that you change.. without changing. It may be mostly in how you view life differently, how you react to life differently, from a vantage point of 30 years later.

I think that in my twenties I looked at life as an onrushing tide. It just kept coming, and I was still learning how to swim. Metaphorically, of course. I still can't swim in real life. Hm. Maybe there's a connection..

Anyway, I was focused then on trying to be what I thought an adult should be, handling my responsibilities, trying to function without a lot of help from others, trying to get ahead a little bit, save some money, get a car that would stop breaking down all the time, buy a decent recliner instead of that grungy Salvation Army thing I had in college. You know, just.. grow up. :)

And adult life was all new, and different, and unpredictable - with no parental buffer to shield me from the hardness of it. I sort of stood there fascinated by it, but helpless to stop it, and so.. just dove in and tried to swim, with an attitude of "C'mon, life.. let's go! I might as well see what you're all about. No sense just standing here. Show me what you've got."

Now, after seeing almost everything life has to offer, good and bad, sometimes two, three, nine or fourteen times over.. I don't embrace the onrushing tide as much, even though it does still keep on coming - it doesn't stop. But I kind of want to get up on the dock more often and just try to observe it, pull together those observations, and ... make sense of it! :)

I want to *understand* life now. Back then I just wanted to live it and get on with the process of mastering adulthood. Now I want to know WHY things are the way they are. Then I just wanted to do it the way you were supposed to. Now I want to know if what I *thought* was correct.. really is. Are there alternatives to how I lived that I didn't consider, but might have? And possibly.. still can?

It's not so much "am I doing this the right way or the wrong way?" as it is "have I made a positive difference to anyone? Can I still?" At this age, I wonder *why* I'm doing what I'm doing, and what really matters? Back in the day, I was pretty much already convinced of what really mattered, even though I hadn't yet lived it to know for myself. But, I sure set out to try.

So yeah.. I'm different inside *and* out. I've changed.

But.. for the worse? Or for the better?

Would I go back to my twenties and live them again? Noooo. No way. Not unless I could take my current mind (and heart) back with me. The current body.. oh.. I guess you can keep it. I'll, um... grow into it again later. :)

In the meantime it's time for some strength training. They say you lose muscle as you age. But hey.. not if I can help it!

Back into the kitchen

two days ago.. to make lentil soup. :) mmmm...

So it's summer, so it's *soup* in the summer, so what? I'm the cook right now, and I can make what I want, when I want. :P And I wanted soup. So there.

I was surprised how fast lentils cook! I thought they'd take forever, like pinto beans do. Nope! They just plumped right up in about half an hour. I made a double batch and had to improvise a little when I didn't have enough tomato sauce. So... tomato paste is about the same thing, right? Just add some extra water, right? And the beef broth I used was a concentrate, which the recipe didn't call for, but it's the same stuff, right? Just some extra water, right?

A *lot* of extra water.

But mmm.. throw in some extra cut up bratwurst that I had grilled for my lunch.. nice. Real nice. Fresh beans from the market, and.. a healthy & hearty dinner. And the rest of the soup.. in the freezer! :)

I was a little nervous about the onion-chopping part. But I didn't tear up for those any more than I do for no good reason at all, so.. I guess I can handle a little onion. ;) Easier to handle than the rest of my life. :)

Yesterday, some marinated chicken breasts (lemon and garlic), grill them out with sweet corn, some early season baby watermelon.. mmm, yeah. Today, fish (it's Friday), with lemony snowpeas. :)

And back to onion-chopping Saturday, too. Lots of onions. Plus carrot chopping, celery chopping, mushroom chopping, thyme and parsley chopping, etc. I'm going to try my hand at making some vegetarian soup stock from a mediterranean cookbook I laid my hands on recently. Most will go into the freezer for future use in other soup recipes from the book. There's a Moroccan carrot soup recipe in there that sounds just oooh, de-lish. Then there's Sicilian barley, tomato fennel, minestrone, lentil & escarole.. I could go on and on.

But soon, I hope, I'll have to go back to work and to school and let cooking become a newfound hobby instead of a quasi-occupation several days a week. It sure has been fun! Beats grading papers any day. :( Which I have to get to today, too. Grades are due from my just-ended Monday class.

Wish I could get some resolution on the job front. Talked to the small company in Southern WI yesterday. They have been interviewing others, and are at the point now where they will decide what to do. The HR guy is supposed to call today..

Then I had my arm twisted last night on the phone by the hiring manager from KC on the telecommuter job. He wants pretty badly to make it a job in KC - needs a successor. Offered an extra $15K and a better bonus, more vacation, full relo program. He was very disappointed when I said that money and position isn't the issue at this point (couldn't believe my own ears! Is that me talking?) - what matters is making a solid contribution, enjoying what I'm doing, and having my family affairs in a good place. To me the telecommuting job does that. He was disappointed.. and who knows? I may have lost the telecommuter offer, too. :(

Until these things resolve, I wait. And cook.

At least it's been cool enough to start running in the morning again, so I can run off all of this stuff I'm cooking! One mile loop yesterday and today. I could tell it's been a while. Oof. :(

Missing pieces

"When you love something, every time a bit of it goes..
you lose a piece of yourself."

----- Jodie Foster in "The Brave One"


And the greater the love you have for what goes away, the bigger the piece of yourself you lose. The point isn't whether you *should* have loved the person or thing.. just that you did. And if many people or things leave .. one right after another .. you lose a *lot* of yourself.

You have to work with what you have left. And the people you know may not recognize what's left of you - you don't seem the same to them. That's because you're not. Some of what they knew of you is gone, and they see you compensating for that loss with what remains, plus what you slowly add to yourself to make up for the loss. You change - and they see it. But they don't know all the reasons why.

Since the end of 1999, many things I loved, for right or wrong, and some people I loved, have gone away. And some of the new that I've added (for right or wrong) - have also left, have come and gone. I've gained (for a while).. and lost again. I really haven't gotten used to what I'm missing and all the new parts yet. The changes (some gains, mostly losses) have just kept coming - too fast to adjust well. It's like swapping out styles of artificial limbs before you really learn how to use them. It'd be good if everything just got stable for a while, and I could gain some self-mastery again - this time over the revised me.

I'll never be the same as I was - the losses are too big. But maybe the new version will be an acceptable susbtitute for people. I'll certainly have to learn to accept it, won't I?

Can you have faith... (part last - I think)

...and still doubt?

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (NIV)

This just happened to be the reading from the epistles Saturday at Mass. It was about the best part of the service, but the quality of the service notwithstanding... I still heard something I needed to hear. :)

Being sure? Being certain? Sounds like... having firm conviction, complete confidence, without any doubt. But - being sure of what is only in the *hope* category at this stage? Being certain... of what I can't see in front of me?

Man, this is not easy.

Didn't sincere men of God doubt at times? Job doubted the goodness of God's intentions toward him, David doubted God's desire to rescue him from his enemies. Neither doubted His ability... they doubted his motives! Their doubt was an assault on His character!

Peter, the man Jesus used to anchor the building of His church, doubted a lot. He was mostly fearful of circumstances around him (wind, waves, poverty, perception, persecution, ridicule), but what he really doubted was God's ability to transcend those circumstances on his behalf.

Yet they were all known as men of faith and devotion to God, men who had God's favor and blessing.

When did they doubt? Not when things were going well. They doubted when under duress, when in crisis, when in deprivation, when in fear of the future.

So there you go. Me, too.

Suffering, problems, trials... even "faith heroes" doubt God under those circumstances. But as we get through those times of doubt and trouble, our character develops, our hope in God is strengthened, our faith in His love toward us is made sure.

Romans 5:3-5 says:

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

So, I guess I won't feel bad about my doubts - nor about expressing them, here or anywhere else. After all... I'm in good company. :)

And, under good care. Even while doubting the One who cares for me.

Can you have faith... (part 2)

...without a need?

I'm reading this book on the will of God, in which the author argues that God's *specific* will for an individual is only revealed as life moves along, one door, one turn at a time - visible in its entirety only in hindsight. It's a good book, and makes me feel less anxiety about missing His willl by not making "the correct decision" right now on job, school, location. He argues that, when we look back on life, we will see that we *have* followed God's will for us, though we didn't explicitly choose it every time we had a choice to make - He just worked it out for us. :)

But he also says that for us to exercise faith at all, we must have a need - a need that we will admit we can't meet without outside help. It's a precondition for exercising faith. He says:

"Faith acknowledges need. Self-possessed people do not feel the need to live by faith because they are confident in themselves and their own human powers. In my mind such confidence is vain and foolish, for people are by nature dependent - on the natural world for food, air, water, and heat; on the social world for education, support, and love; and on the spiritual world for forgiveness, meaning and purpose. Evelyn Underhill comments on this dependence: 'I cannot by myself handle and purify the confusing energy of my half-evolved nature. I cannot really keep my resolutions, really govern my desires, set my life in order, cleanse my memory of all self-pity and all resentments, or kill self-love, self-interest, and self-will by myself. I acknowledge my need of help far beyond myself.' "

-----Jerry Sittser, "The Will of God as a Way of Life"



Need? Oh, yeah. That I have. Only some of which is material. Much is emotional and spiritual. Yup. Lots of need all right. But faith? That's not in such great supply. And yet I know that I don't need much faith, just a little will do. It's the *object* of my faith that matters, not the amount of my faith. So I regularly cry out (with the father in Mark 9:24, whose child was ill): "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"



How about you, dear reader? Do you have (and admit to) needs in your life that you can't meet by yourself?

If you don't, how can you exercise faith in *anything* (anything other than yourself, that is)? Do you believe instead in your own sufficiency for handling whatever comes your way without help (including some overwhelming situation you have not yet faced - but surely will)?

If you do have needs and can admit them, do you have faith in Something or Someone larger than yourself, Who is able (and desires) to come to your aid? If so, do you then act on that faith and request that aid, trusting that it will come?

Or do you struggle vainly on your own, as if you were someone who didn't need outside help, but all the while knowing that you do?



Boy, that last sounds way too much like me. :(

So, blog author.. hear yourself! Have faith in a God of grace:

"Grace is the action of God bringing to pass in our lives good things that we neither deserve nor can accomplish on our own."

----- Richard Foster

Can you have faith... (part 1)

...in specific outcomes?

or is faith necessarily general in nature, and in a person or object, rather than an outcome?

In my case, particularly, can I have faith that I will be provided a job that will be stable enough allow me to still pursue grad school and facilitate a career change in a few years, getting financial affairs in good enough shape to make that change work smoothly, while in the meantime be something that I can at least somewhat enjoy doing with reasonably good motives?

*That* specific?

I don't know..

Seems to me that the faith that I see in the Bible is faith that is in a *person*, not in an outcome. The faith I see there is faith that trusts that person's (God's) virtuous character, strength of ability, and clear willingness to help. But even with that kind of belief, the people who showed faith still seemed to allow for God to do as He wished, not expecting Him to snap to, and get busy with what they asked for. And often, the result exceeded the help they wanted in the first place.

Yes, the need was specific, but the faith seemed to be general; the need was for an outcome, but the faith was in the person being asked for help.

Do I believe in God's virtuous character, strength of ability, and clear willingness to help? Yup. That kind of faith I have. But nothing more specific than that.

I may have a desire for a certain outcome, but.. no faith at all that God will give me that outcome. Only faith that He is gracious, kind, willing and able to help - as He sees fit, but in my best long-term (read: eternal) best interests.

Is that enough?

Coincidence?

First, a disclaimer (a long disclaimer):

I think it's getting to be the right time to reiterate what this blog is supposed to be, and what it's not.

Weblogs in general are kind of like diaries, or if you're a grownup, like keeping a journal, but online where others can see it. So you try to be free with your thoughts to keep true to what a diary or journal is for: to get your thoughts into words in the hopes that you can understand things better. For some people, like me, writing is cathartic, theraputic, all by itself, whether someone reads it or not. It helps me think and process stuff better if I write about it.

But on the other hand, doing this online is like keeping a diary and knowing that your pesky little brother has a key to it, so how free with your thoughts are you going to be, really? And if now and then you get a little *too* free with your thoughts, like how you feel when you are kissing the person you're dating... your little brother is probably going to give you grief about it. So.. you guard your words a bit. Unless in your enthusiasm you slip up, get too specific, and then he reads it, is shocked, goes and tells mommy, and you get grounded for having such thoughts at your age! ;) (Of course mommy herself had those same thoughts at your age, too - just never wrote them down where anyone could see!) :P

So.. what's here serves multiple purposes. For those of you who are friends and family, it provides a little news - status reports on how things are going. But it also is a bit like a webcam into my head. You sometimes see things there you would rather not have seen, as if you pulled up a construction site webcam that you look at from time to time to note progress of the facility, and unexpectedly saw someone in their underwear close up who should *never* be seen in their underwear, you know? Too much information, scary information no less, and in the wrong place.

That's because the second purpose is: I put my feelings here, my worries, fears, hopes, dreams, joys, simple pleasures, mistakes.. all that stuff. I will continue to do that because it's helpful - to ME! It may or may not be helpful to you. But that's not why I write - at least not here. But I don't mind if you watch the webcam into my head and heart. Just don't be surprised if now and then I'm in my underwear. Metaphorically speaking... I won't post pictures. You're welcome. ;)

What this blog isn't... is a teaching tool. While I teach instinctively, and want to vocationally as well, this.. isn't it. These are my musings. Sometimes they develop into mini-lectures, little homilies. Can't help it, it's how I think. But all I'm doing is thinking online. The ideas here are mostly half-cooked, still in process, developing. When they become a finished product they get printed and put into a file for the next adult or Sr. High class I teach. :)

Like I told my Sr. High classes, if you want to read Solomon's teaching principles for how life works, read Proverbs. If you want to see his musings on life, his frustrations with it, questions about it, conclusions about it, read Ecclesiastes. Proverbs is his textbook. Ecclesiastes is his blog. This is a blog, not a textbook.

Okay, disclaimer over. On to the coincidence.



Our streak of pastorless worship services continues. :( The Baptist church down the street had a guest speaker today. But! So did the Catholic church yesterday, so there! :P But what is it with people here? Does everyone vacation in July and August? It's crazy! "Hey, stupid!" you might say, "you're on vacation all the time right now, remember? Why should you complain?" Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm still unemployed. I guess that qualifies as vacation. But I'm ready to go back home now. Can we be done with vacation?

But the guy who preached did a great job on grace from Romans 5. He's on staff apparently, in a "community life" pastor role, whatever that is. It sounded a bit like a customer satisfaction sort of job. Leave it to the Evangelicals to think like marketers, and the parishioners like consumers. Grr...

But he had good things to say, and I learned something. Unlike at Mass yesterday, which was pretty flat. I don't think I'll go back to that service. The liturgy was still rich - they couldn't suck the life out of that part. But even a rousing Andre' Crouch gospel song (with harmony, no less!) they used as a closer came off lifeless. Too bad. Anyway, the fill-in guy used a phrase I liked to describe the Christian life. It was "apprenticing under Jesus." Yeah. I get that. :)

Music at "Baptist World" today, though.. woooboy! Rock band. Big sound. The guy who played lead sounded just like The Edge from U2. But - no way was it performance oriented. Not at all. Limited solo work, lots of congregational singing. Verrry worshipful, and the songs were content-rich. Best contemporary worship I've seen in this community yet. They handled announcements well - not distracting or disruptive. Nicely done, and respectful of God all 'round. And, one of my upcoming profs (Systematic Theology III come Spring) goes here and filled the pulpit 3 weeks ago (while, yes, the pastor was vacationing - again.)

The best part, though, was a happy coincidence! A young couple we knew from our old church in SE WI was there today! They recognized us and came over, and after talking, turns out they live about 3 blocks away! The guy got his MATS from Bethel a couple of years ago, and now is an adjunct there doing a few classes while finishing his doctoral dissertation (which degree is from Marquette!)

So.. new friends! Woo. And, we may just have found a church home. :)

The days of this life

"The days of this life are short and evil, full of sorrow and misery, where a person is

stained with many sins,
ensnared by many passions,
bound by many fears,
swollen by many cares,
distracted by many curiosities,
entangled by many vanities,
surrounded by many mistakes,
weakened by many effort,
weighed down by temptations,
sopped by pleasures,
tormented by wants.

Oh, when will there be an end to all these things that have gone awry in God's plan?"


----- Thomas a' Kempis, "The Imitation of Christ", ca. 1418

Good news and ... no news. Is that bad news?

No word back today from the little company in Southern WI. Pooh. I was hoping they'd be wanting to set up an in-person visit. Yeah, the CEO just got back yesterday from 8 days away, so I'm sure he's got other priorities. But I emailed this morning to just check in.. was hoping for at least a grunt. :(

And I was supposed to talk with the hiring manager for the telecommuter job sometime this week, too, just to get a better feel for the details of the job, and his expectations for travel, initial priorities, etc. Pam the recruiter was trying to get a call scheduled, but.. no soap.

So is no news bad news? on either front? I'm feeling neglected. :(

In the good news department, no offer will be forthcoming from Central Wisconsin. Yay! :) I didn't want to have to consider that one anyway, given there's no seminary there for me to continue grad school. Whew!

Also good news: I don't have to make dinner tonight! Yay! :) Not that I've minded - I've enjoyed it. Some might say enjoyed it a little *too* much. ;) But, the reason that's good news is that D got her first paycheck today. Yay! :) So we go out for the first time in about 6 weeks. Dinner at Baker's Square and then The Bourne Ultimatum. :)

Tomorrow, Mass at a new place. Anybody ever heard of a St. Odilia? Pretty obscure, but I suppose it's a challenge to name Catholic parishes after a while without resorting to Roman numerals (St. John IX, Immaculate Heart of Mary IV, Corpus Christi III, etc.)

More on that later, in my usual post with observations and impressions of church for the week.

Mmm, c'est bon! (airline edit)

(For those of you who by your anonymous (and unpublished) comments think that the sensuality of cooking is adversely affecting my sense of decorum.. here's a pg-rated version of the earlier post. Henceforth I'll post a warning if reader discretion is advised.)

While grocery shopping today (yes, I know I'm late - normally market day is Tuesday, but we had company over) I'm wandering the produce department looking for something to grab me by the neck and shout "buy me!" with no such luck so far, and then.. the strawberries sort of flirted with me. ;) They weren't priced low enough to have a line of boys waiting, but ripe, red, lush and juicy that they were, they certainly looked attractive enough to pull off a line like "hey, there mister: what are you lookin' at?" when they knew darn well it was *them* I was eyeing up. Typical of berries who know they're cute..

So, I put my arm around a pound box of those babies, and sure enough, they came home with daddy. :) Mmmhmm.

But then inspiration struck! Oh! Dessert! Yes, perhaps..

Sure enough there were french crepes not far away, and on the back of the package... a recipe. :) So I take quick mental stock of what's in the cupboards and what I need at the store, and.. home I go with a glint in my eyes. Those berries will never be the same. ;)

Besides, the entree' was leftover chicken breasts from Olive Garden the night before, courtesy of Grandma and two nieces who have no appetite. So, besides a fresh vegetable, what am I contributing tonight, anyway? I have to do SOMEthing creative!

Okay, then.. chocolate mousse made from scratch. :) Why not? Let's see now, heavy whipping cream. Beat .. until .. peaks .. appear. Hm. Okaaayyy.. Will it be obvious?

Big bowl, pour in the cream, doesn't say to add anything, so.. electric beaters in the cream, start on low, turn up to high.. so far so good.

Hm. Nothing's changing. Three minutes. Five minutes.. How long do you BEAT this stuff!!??!?!? Seven minutes.. jeepers, this is taking forever. My forearm hurts. :( Oh, now *finally* it's thickening. And woah! All of a sudden it's getting really thick and clumpy. Wow. But where's the peaks? It just looks like pillars of cottage cheese now. This can't be right. I'd better stop. Hm.

Well.. it is what it is. :) Let's try the chocolate part. Pudding mix, some espresso, milk.. blend.. hm. Clumping again. Pillars of chocolate cottage cheese. What IS this with the clumping!?!? Okay, so for the cup of milk the pudding mix wanted, I used up the rest of the whipping cream and then a little 1% to make up the rest of the cupful, and - maybe I wasn't supposed to do that? Ahhh, who cares? Stop with the beating already. Hold back some whipped cream for garnish, and blend the rest in with the chocolate mix. Lick the spoon and see.

Ohhhh YEAH, baby! Now *that's* chocolate mousse!

But why just chocolate and strawberries, how about one with chocolate and blueberries?? Have some to eat up anyway.. and oh! I have some blueberry yogurt. Yoplait, no less. That's French, right?

So the finished product: two crepes per plate, one with strawberries and whipped cream as garnish on the top (with the chocolate mousse and more strawberries inside, of course), and the other with blueberries & chocolate instead, inside and out. The second plate had a strawberry chocolate one, and a blueberry one with blueberry yogurt inside instead of chocolate.

Lovely. :)

French crepes done well on the first try. Tres bon!

Account number, please?

Some HR person (from the firm with a verbal offer on the table) called to ask a bunch of questions about my home office space.

Is it ergonomically correct? (I don't know.. my back gets stiff now and then. Is this a sign?)

Is your internet DSL or cable? (cable)

Is your phone bundled with the internet? (yup)

What's the vendor's name? (Comcast)

The name on the account and the number? (hey... aren't we getting a little personal? You haven't sent me a written offer yet, and I haven't accepted! Gee.. it's like asking a girl for her underwear size when you haven't even... you know?? Fresh!!!)

What kind of equipment do you need? (you mean besides a windows-based computer? Um... gee, what do *you* think I should have? I'd kind of like to have a web-cam for video conferencing. That'd be fun.)

There's some person who handles all that stuff who will contact me with procedures. Apparently my first day will be in Kansas City and I will have a trunk full of equipment to haul back with me, so I guess I'll be driving. :) If I accept! Let's all just remember that..

Well, anyway, I guess by middle of next week they should have the offer out to me.

In the meantime the HR guy from Southcentral WI emailed and said "back in the office Tuesday - president is back on Thursday - we'll be in touch sometime this week." Okay.. don't drag your feet here.. I have an offer coming! Supposedly.

Nothing back from Central WI yet. Not that I'm expecting anything from them.

The seminary called - orientation for Fall is coming up, and a packet is en route to me re: books, parking, etc. :) Yay! Systematic Theology I on Tuesday nights. Woo.

Until then, I start another Math class as an adjunct professor tonight. It should wrap up the week before my Seminary classes start. The final exam for my Monday night students is next week, then done with that. After this new one, then no teaching until Winter - if I even have the capacity then. At this point I have no idea how demanding my grad school class will be. Hope it's not too reading-heavy, but more writing-heavy. I like writing. Can you tell? ;)

Back to the old (new) routine

So, after church Sunday, and typing up a looooong blog entry (as those of you who dutifully waded through it already know), it was time to get back into the rhythm of life in the slow lane. :)

A workout was definitely in order. Muscles were feeling a bit spongy. But not anymore! Owww...

Then, I used Google maps to print out directions to and from the Mall for the visiting female relatives about to invade and take over the house.. Oh, I love their new feature where if you don't care for the route, you can grab and drag the route line and make it go via a different highway. Sure helps when they first try to route you over a bridge that doesn't exist anymore as of last week. :(

All of a sudden it was time to start dinner, since it will bake for an hour and a half. Mmm... meat loaf. :) Good! With fresh green & wax beans and butter. Ahhh. So? What does Betty say about this? Let's look:

Hmmm. Since it was really beef loaf, without the pork and veal, Betty (and D) said to ignore the spicing as shown. Cut the mustard, celery salt, worchestershire (sp?) sauce, etc.. and go straight to the horseradish and catsup. Umm... sorry Betty. No horseradish for me! (unless of course it's passover, because then I *have* to, so that I can remember the bitterness of captivity and weep convincingly. But voluntarily? Ugh.) D said to just go with salt, pepper, allspice and chopped onion. But hey, why stop there?!?!? :)

Could some Lawry's seasoned salt be that bad? I mean, it's good on steak.. And you put mustard on hamburgers (or at least some people do) - why not a pinch of dried mustard in beef loaf? And if adding one egg to the batter is good, wouldn't two be even better? Instead of just milk to mix with the breadcrumbs, why not some oh-so-creamy half and half? And would one good shake of paprika be so terrible? That, plus a little diced yellow bell pepper? How bad could this be, really? Cutting up half a stick of butter, and pressing it into the top of the loaf when it's just about to go into the oven, should cover up a multitude of sins. And yes, I thought about oregano, cilantro, basil... but I think for this first time I really should draw the line somewhere. ;)

Once dinner was in the oven.. time to clean the bathrooms. Oh boy! It has been a while. But just hand me the Comet, Softscrub, Windex, and a brush, sponge and paper towel, and... let me at 'em! You don't forget how; it's like riding a bicycle.. (and I perspire about the same amount, too.) Ooh. Do they sparkle!

Hey! What's that squealing noise? Smoke alarm? What the.. ??

Oh, crap! The butter's running over and burning on the bottom of the oven. Look at that smoke, will ya? Where are the fans? Quick, open the windows! Jeepers.. who knew it would do that?? I should have put a cookie sheet under the loaf pan. Dang it. Rookie mistake. :( Oh well... live and learn. House still smells a little "burnt" this morning. :(

But boy, did it taste good! :) mmm.. Maybe some sweet green chiles next time, with a tad less seasoned salt. :)

After dinner finally a chance to sit and read the paper with a glass (or three) of wine. I think I'm calming down. Life is good in the slow lane. :) At least when there's no fire to put out.. :P