Duty vs. Desire

or Needs vs. Wants...

One of the things we talked about in the training class this week (albeit in a sales context) was how needs move to becoming wants. In sales, it's wants, not needs, that close the deal.

The example the instructor (the Brit with the pot belly) used was that he knows he *needs* to lose weight. But seeing the need doesn't translate into action, until you want it badly enough to DO something about it. So until a health crisis (or a relationship crisis, or...) intervenes and makes him *want* to lose the weight, he won't.

It could be quitting smoking, cutting back on alcohol (or sugar or caffeine or salt), getting in shape, etc. Whatever. It's the same process - you got to WANT to.

When you want to - you'll act; you'll buy.

It's like the difference between duty & desire. Duty says: "I ought to. I really should." Desire says: "Coming through, baby, that's for me!"

And it occurred to me... which would you prefer to have characterize a relationship? Duty or desire?

Granted, they're not mutually exclusive. You can have both. But typically, duty only takes over when desire fails. Desire is the stonger motivator, but it's subject to fluctuation.

Committment happens when desire becomes so strong that it's willing to allow itself to be channeled and focused and ... yes, even restrained... for a greater purpose.

There are times in every relationship when duty takes over. But ideally, those times are short in duration. Duty, even in a military setting, is given relief regularly, in order to reconnect with the original desire to serve your country.

Duty that endures without desire over a long period is held up in our culture as great "sacrifice", as in the example of someone caring for a family member with dementia who no longer knows you. But who *wants* a relationship characterized by sacrifice?

No one. Relationships are meant to be mutually edifying.

So, where am I going with this? Nowhere, exactly. Just musing. :)

We also went through the Maslow Heirarchy of Needs model, which does incorporate the notion of desire, and illustrates how it can change your focus on needs.

When you lose your job, as I did a year ago, suddenly your need for security is threatened. If the job loss is protracted, then you start to worry about basic needs like shelter and health care. Your needs for socializing and self-esteem and freedom and self-actualization start to take a back seat to the desire to eat and be safe.

So then the instructor got us into a discussion about how to ask probing questions to help us understand the needs that people (read: clients, customers) have.

If we know what it is that people need, we can set about moving those needs into wants (stimulating desire), and then satisfy those with our product or service. (Even if the service is just creating a spreadsheet that analyzes something they are puzzling over...)

This made me think about doing the same thing in relationships. If you have a relationship with someone (or... you want one!) wouldn't you want to understand what their needs are?

Maybe then you can move some of those needs to wants and then satisfy them with whatever it is you have to give. Desire for you then follows. And committment follows that.

Of course if you don't have what it takes to satisfy them... then either the relationship isn't in the cards, or... it may just motivate you to change and learn to be able to give them what it is they need. (If your desire for them is strong enough, of course. You got to WANT to change, right?)

So then, I got to thinking about how I would communicate (to anyone who asked) what needs I have that a relationship could meet.

Well, it depends on the kind of relationship of course. Friend? Relative? Lover? All three? ;)

So now here it gets a bit personal. I'll save most of this for the real conversations if and when they happen. :) But one last thought on this, in sort of a generic sense, for any kind of relationship.

To me there is a connection between intimacy and acceptance. They are symbiotic.

I want intimacy (and here I mean access to the head and heart) with the other person. I will give them acceptance (and here I mean assurance of love and emotional safety) in order to get it.

In reverse, if someone wants to be intimate with me, I need to feel accepted by them to be able to give it. The safer I feel with them, the more I will reveal - the more assured I am of their love, the more I will share with them about who I really am inside.

And the closer that acceptance comes to being unconditional, the more transparent with them I can become. The opposite is also true. If I feel rejected, I shut down and stop sharing. And so, it spirals, either upwards or downwards.

Now we go back to desire. If a relationship is based on duty, can the intimacy/acceptance cycle ever spiral upwards? Not very likely. It takes a desire for intimacy with a person to make you want to risk being known by them.

But if they make you feel safe and loved... getting past duty (I should share my heart) to desire (I want to share my heart) sure is easier.