Alternating Current

The sermon this morning at the Episcopal church (the last one here before the search for a church moves elsewhere) was a good one. This is the regular guy, the head dude, who they call a rector. Hm. Then there's the sexton, and the vestry... more terms of vague anglo-saxon origin. It all feels very... what? 17th century. :)

So, he's preaching from the Epistle for the day, which I gather somebody a few hundred years ago said SHOULD be the Epistle lesson on this particular Sunday. He's in Corinthians where Paul is talking about the thorn in his flesh, which God arranged for Satan to harass him with, to keep him from getting too uppity over the vision of Paradise he had 14 long years before.

Now, I've heard people say that "you should never get too happy with your situation or pleased with your life, because God will have to come along and smack you - send you tragedy - to bring you back to reality." And I usually think "that's nonsense, God doesn't do that kind of thing, doesn't send you tragedy because you're too ecstatic about your life." But boy, in the divinely inspired Word from today's lesson, which is infallible, without error in the original languages, it certainly sounds like that's what He did to Paul - spot on, in fact. "...to keep me from becoming too exalted" he puts it. Hm.

Anyway, the preacher used that illustration to describe our lives on earth as if they were AC, alternating current, where the electrical charge goes out from the power source to the end of the circuit and then returns, back and forth, back and forth, a bazillion times a second or so. Or thereabouts. Approximately. :)

Negative/positive/negative/positive/negative/positive, etc.

Except our lives alternate from failure to success, from tragedy to victory, from ecstacy to despondency, from joy to grief, from hope to despair, from plans destroyed to dreams realized, acceptance to abandonment, from frustration to ease, from encouragement to discouragement, etc., etc. His point was that God sends the times of great pleasure to help us get through the times of sadness that are inevitable in this life, AND that the difficult times are also sent from Him to keep us both humble and dependent on His grace.

It made me think, as a statistician would (good grief! during the sermon yet!) of statistical distributions. The normal curve. I suppose an engineer would think of an oscilloscope and accomplish the same thing, but I like my example better.

The normal or "bell" curve has as much of the probability on the left side as on the right - it's symmetrical. See below:



Random events (or at least events that APPEAR to be random to our eyes - but that's another discussion) fall equally on either side of the middle (the 50th percentile of probability and the mean of the distribution.) The shaded areas represent standard deviations from the mean. And in the Standard Normal curve, one standard deviation around the mean contains about 2/3 of the events that happen. 2 standard deviations (2SD) contain 95% of the things that happen.

This curve describes lots of natural phenomena, and we can see a lot of life events happening this way, too. Good stuff, bad stuff, happy times, sad times, mostly falling fairly close to the middle ground, the "happy medium". I think people differ, though in what their "medium" is. I know people whose "medium", whose normal setting, is NOT at all happy, but rather blah or even morose. And I know others whose medium is almost giddy compared to mine. Seems like those with a "medium" that's pretty positive could stand to help those whose medium is not so upbeat...

But does God "set" the mean of the distribution for people? Does He set mine different from yours, by the events He sends into my life? Does He push for "balance" and "symmetry"? The yin needs the yang, etc.? If not, then what is Paul talking about? Is his experience normative or unique?

Then I got to thinking (and I can here some of you say "and just when was this, during communion?" - noooo. During the canticle for the day which tune I didn't know. Sorry.) about another statistical principle. Kurtosis. Kurtosis, I said! Not ketosis as in the low carb diet phase when you are burning fat and your breath tastes like aluminum foil, no... Kurtosis.

Kurtosis describes how tall or flat the curve is. In other words, how close are most events to the middle? With some people, the events in their life don't vary a lot from the "middle" - they don't have wild highs and brutal lows. They just kind of go along without a lot of variation from one day to the next, one month from the next, one year to the next. They live in the same place for a long time, work for the same company for years, have the same friends, do the same things. Their curve is tall. See below:



Others have a flat, broad, curve, where the events of their lives are spread quite far from the middle. What's normal for these people? Change, I think. Big emotional swings, too, maybe. Over the last couple of years, I have felt like the kurtosis of my life has been changing, making the distribution even flatter than ever before. Big swings in emotions and in life events. I think I still have a "normal" setting, but I'm not sure what it is anymore. I suppose I cross paths with it from time to time as I'm swinging by the middle on my way to something else that's extreme...

I think I could go for a little more height in my curve, God, ok? And the middle? Could you push it a little more to the right, please? Thanks for listening. I'll just wait if you don't mind. :)

It's a scorcher out there

Wow! Is it ever hot! 90, sunny, humid... ugh. And to think some people like this stuff.

But this is New England. Why should it be like Savannah around here? Oy!

So, I stay inside today. Yesterday I built shelving for the garage wall, to get all the junk up and off the floor. Getting pretty close to fitting one car inside!

It would have been so much easier if we had sold that big living room sectional while still in the Midwest, but... a consignment place is coming later this week. Maybe they'll take it. Still have 4 dining room chairs, a stereo/TV cabinet, a computer desk, two iorental rugs. Someone! Buy our stuff!

But last night, I retreated from the heat to the existential coolness of the Lounge. Not only is it cool in the sense of hipster cool, but also very cool in the sense of air conditioning cool! :) :) :)

Reading Gods and Generals now, by Jeff Schaara, which I picked up at a bookstore at a Civil War battlefield on the way back from WIlliamsburg earlier this month. Is it ever good! He gets inside the heads of some of the men who were torn between love of homeland and duty to country. Cried a bit last night at one passage... I think I'm getting maudlin as I get older. :)

But I actually wrapped a throw around my legs because I got cold! Ahhhhh... almost like December. And the music in the Lounge - last night was Hawaii Calls from the 60's. Groovy, baby! Makes you want to light the tiki torches.

Life in the Lounge

Many of you have wondered what I was referring to when I talked in prior posts about this retro lounge thing I was putting together in the basement (excuse me, lower level.) Well, the furnishings are just about complete. Enough to show off a little. :)
It wouldn't be complete without some Chagall on the walls. These are favorites and have a lot of meaning to me. The recessed lighting is on a dimmer, too, for adjusting the mood to match the circumstances...

Some of these are a little dark, I know... but you can always cut and paste them and brighten them up in a photo editing program. Hey, it was a state-of-the art camera back in it's day! Of course the day was a while ago. :) Suffice it to say that the bar is stocked and open, and that the vintage vinyl is out and ready to both display and play...
A little Henry Mancini on the turntable, a martini (gin please), a good book... life is good in the lounge. :)

Last Road Trip For Awhile

Almost done traveling. One quick pass to see "home" again and then back to the new house in New England.

I didn't think this job was going toturn me into a road warrior, but having 2 days in the last 22 where I haven't been on the road... it has sure seemed like it.

But starting Sunday I'll be spending evenings unpacking boxes and setting up rooms and getting ready for the first garage/tag sale of the summer. No travel scheduled for, oh... 3 months?

I suppose a lot will come up as that 3 months unfolds - spur of the moment stuff. Whether it's fun travel or dull, who knows? We'll see... :)

Get out of my house!

Contractors... every time I think I'm out, they draaaaag me back in.

This time it was no hot water in the showers. It's been a cold last 3 days...

Called a plumber and it turns out the valves are bad, had to be replaced. To the tune of $2,000! Yikes! There's an outside chance that the home warranty policy will cover it. Or part of it. We'll soon find out. The claim goes in today.

Now the rest of the house looks so nice that the bathrooms just HAVE to be painted, too. :) Of course they do.

But the faux finish in the kitchen looks reaaaalllly good. The painter I hired by mistake - the wrong guy - did a fantastic job. Here's one mistake I'm glad I made. Found a table & chairs for the eating space in the kitchen that will look great with it, too. Should show up next week.

And the lounge... taking shape! All the furniture that I needed to assemble is done and in, just awaiting the orange sofa and green/orange chairs. Woohoo! I can hardly wait!

Now if I could just get cable signal into my house, and get the internet working, I'd be happy. -er. :) Sitting in an internet cafe' doing my blog is nuts. I have to type fast, think fast at 40 cents a minute...

Boxes, boxes everywhere - and not a place to sit!

Saturday night at the house it was actually pristine and quiet. All the walls freshly painted, the hardwood freshly sealed, the carpentry/plumbing/electrical work done...

then came Sunday, with moving out of the apartment. I didn't think I had much stuff, but... it was quite a pile when stacked up. I guess I really did haul a bunch of things here when I drove the car out and then every single business trip thereafter! Not to mention the house plants, household chemicals, propane tank for the grill, luggage, food, etc. that came along for the ride with the second car. But everybody arrived in one piece on Sunday afternoon, and I had some extra hands (and paws) to help haul. :)

But Monday! Oh my goodness...

5 men (driver, helper and 3 locals) hauled from 8AM until 4:30PM, with Deb directing traffic in the driveway, and me in the basement applying triage to the dollys full of boxes. They did a fantastic job of organizing the basement storage area, and am I ever glad I put in extra lighting! It's like a warehouse in there now, with aisles, and all box labels turned to face the aisles... almost indexed by department. Toys in aisle 1, books - aisle 4. Funny, but scary. We really should be held criminally liable for accumulating so many things over the years.

The retro lounge in the lower level (we no longer use the word *basement* unless referring to actual storage areas) is starting to take shape. Love the new colors, and have a couple of furniture pieces built. More each night! :)

Upstairs it's chaos, but slowly that too will get better. Slowly. But... no kids to worry about, at least. Just a dog. That makes it easier to live in what looks like a "war zone" temporarily.

If only it wasn't summer. 85 and humid all weekend, and today/tomorrow. Ugh. The A/C works, though! I have my fans set up in strategic locations, too. I'll survive. :)

I wonder if it will ever feel like home?

This here is it - roundup time!

Yep, back at the ranch, they are a-loadin' up the wagons. All our worldly possessions gettin' throwed on a truck. Big truck. Real big truck.

Plus it's off to the doctor today for Deb, to hopefully get the final signoff on her recovery from surgery. Lots of pressure on her, and it's been tough. Quite a bit of furniture got sold in the "moving sale" (helped by many girlfriends), so there will be less to sell in a "tag sale" here later this summer. Yes, they call it a "tag" sale - not "rummage", not "yard", not "garage" ... "tag". Hmpf. Local Yankee culture.

But by the end of this weekend, the work on the new house here will be done (God willing), and ready for all the contents of that big truck to be unloaded. Memorial Day! It will be a day to remember, all right.

While unpacking to set up a new life here, at the same time I'll also be remembering all that's back there, and wondering how often I'll visit... it's hard to move forward when your heart is pulled back. But, I press on! And I trust that God will be gracious, giving me many opportunities to nourish that heart in the ways He knows it needs to be fed and cared for.

Nice day

Kind of a fun day chasing around. It was super busy, non-stop, but didn't feel frazzle-y. Bought some furniture at IKEA (nearest store 50 miles away - 65 from the new house, 80 from the DMV), inspected the new carpet at the house (nice) and put new toilet paper in the bathroom for the contractors' convenience, absorbed some local culture as I fought blocked-off streets trying to find the post office due to a little local festival, beat the state bureaucracy to a bloody pulp as I walked away from the DMV with a decent DL picture for once... maybe it's the new haircut. :)

All kinds of other odds & ends, too numerous to mention, and now a glass of peppermint schnapps, a good book, and I'm off to bed. Mmmm... a good day.

There's nothing as constant as... (Updated)

you know the rest.

I've been here, oh... 4 months now. Lost a boss today. A dotted line boss anyway. Alpaca is moving up and into a different part of the company. It remains to be seen who will replace him - Mousewoman is still thinking about it. And she may bust up his duties, who knows? At least it's only a dotted line relationship.

Hopefully Rug, my solid line boss, stays in place a while. Continuity is good in a start-up unit like this one...

but I'm not nervous. Much.

I mean, my plan is to change my driver's license over this weekend to the new address... hmmm.

****************

UPDATE:

Rug called on Friday afternoon with news on who Alpaca's replacement is (at least in part) - a guy I'll call PeBo. Solid character, good fit for the job, and he will run only Management Information, and report to Mousewoman. The financial part of Alpaca's job will be filled by an accountant type. Fine with me. This should be an OK change as far as I can see. Whew! :)

You'd think this would be simple

... just a little fixing up here and there, some painting, a couple of new outlets ...

The first day that there were contractors in the house, one of the electricians is up in the attic snaking wire and proceeds to put his foot through the hallway ceiling. Tore out a 2' x 3' chunk of drywall.

The painter shows up with paint, ready to go, and I realize ... I hired the wrong guy! Naturally, the one time I bothered to get competetive bids, and I get their names confused! Oh well, you live with your mistakes.

Then, the carpenter is hauling lumber for shelving down into the basement via the outside storm door stairs, which makes sense, but he does it in a pouring rainstorm and water runs in all over the basement floor - no towels or mop in sight so it stands there in pools...

The plumber got the utility sink for the wine room unpacked, but it was cracked upon arrival and he needs to order a new one. No idea when it will show up. He doesn't return my phone calls.

I shudder to think what will happen when the people start to lay the hardwood floors down...

Oy! I need a therapist.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned

but gee whiz. Couldn't I have had the chance to shake hands with someone besides my own realtor and my own attorney?

I mean all this money is changing hands, and some people who've lived in this house for 20 years are handing over the keys to someone they've never seen, and ... they don't want to meet the buyer?

Arghhh. The sellers did not come to the closing. My realtor hung around long enough to witness some signatures, pick up her commission check and take off. My lawyer passed me page after page of documents to sign, and the sellers' attorney was going to sign later for the sellers. At least the sellers' realtor was there. But then, she picked up a check, too. Vultures...

Somehow this whole business has felt like I got all dressed up for prom, picked up my date who didn't say a word the whole way there. When we got to the dance, they only had a DJ, not a band, and he got sick after half an hour. Everyone went home early, and I didn't even get a kiss at the door, because my date left after her first glass of punch via a side entrance...

I wanted somebody to uncork some champagne today and say congratulations, welcome to the neighborhood!!!

At least I got two remotes for each garage door. That's something.

Buying a house by mail

Trying to get the final paperwork all lined up on the new house in New England, while on a 10-day business trip in the Midwest, shuttling back and forth between St. Paul and Chicago... the bank needs this notarized, the relo company needs these forms filled out, the real estate lawyer out East and the estate planning lawyer back here are trying to figure out how to title the house. Fedex and faxes. That's how you buy a house these days.

But on Monday, I actually get to sit across a table from the sellers and shake hands and say "we'll take good care of it." How very old-fashioned.

And at that moment I really will have three residences - none of which will actually be "home".

The cavalcade of contractors begins Tuesday! See them sand, watch them paint! Hear them hammer and then curse! Fun for the whole family!

And somewhere in there I may be in the office doing work. We'll see.

Back... Home?

Not sure where home is, exactly. I feel like I have several, some more desirable than others. But I have to admit that there was something comforting about being back in the New England apartment yesterday. I have a routine there, dull though it is.

Back in the Midwest I kept opening the wrong drawers for silverware, kept going into my travel bag for toiletries... home is where, again?

Is it the place that I'm buying new furniture and picking out paint colors for? The place where my life's accumulation of souvenirs and mementos are displayed/stored? The place where my favorite clothes hang in the closet and my prescriptions sit on the counter? The place where I can sit on the couch doing little or nothing and still feel loved and accepted?

I have to go back to a different understanding of what home is. I recall a poster that I had in my room as a high schooler. It was of a scarecrow with a pumpkin head and straw hat dressed in overalls and sitting on the porch of a farmhouse, with the caption "home is not where you live, but where they understand you."

For some reason that always appealed to me, I suppose especially as a teenager when you usually feel misunderstood anyway. Still holds, I guess. Home is where I not only feel accepted and understood, but at ease and relaxed, where trouble melts away. So where's that again? Refresh my memory, please.

Recovery from surgery is progressing, under first my and now her mother's watchful eye. Hopefully next week she has more strength and can manage without someone "on call" 24/7. The meals do keep rolling in. :) More than one person can eat, really. Lawn care and housecleaning are all arranged, too. All that's left to do is get better! But I can't help with that.

Recovery

Whew! She turned a corner yesterday and is on the road to a late Saturday/early Sunday release. Maybe. "We'll see" say the doctors, but a couple of key milestones were passed which allow her to have clear foods now (broths, jellos), stop antibiotics and morphine (wheeee!), and yank out a couple of tubes.

I'll extend a couple of extra days to see her settled and then her Mom will come and stay a few more. From there on, we should be good. Now just have to line up lawn care and housecleaning, and things should be fine.

I'm beginning to relax a little. Still not sleeping well, but that's mostly the dog. He's demented...

Surgery

Complete hysterectomy scheduled for tomorrow morning... the hope is that all they find is an abscess.

Thankfully, her fear has faded since I've come back. Finally I feel like I've been useful. She's calm now and being brave.

I'm neither. I need to sleep.

UPDATE:

Surgery successful (although sleep wasn't.) Nothing untoward, fairly straightforward. Now a loooong recovery, assisted by friends and family in my absence (again.) One of these years I have to stop moving across country...

Bad News Comes In Threes

Updates at bottom
----------------

Old wives' tale. Superstition. We'll see, I guess. If the bad news keeps on coming after this one, maybe there's nothing to it after all. Personally, I'd be glad if the superstition's right, and the bad news stops at only three.

Got a call late this afternoon that Deb is in the emergency room with pain, fever, nausea. They do a cat scan and find... a growth on one ovary - the size of a deck of cards! At this point they don't know what it is - an abcess that burst or a cancerous tumor or anything in between. There's something bad in there because the white blood cell count is way too high. She's on morphine to numb the pain, and tomorrow they operate. No one knows what they'll find. And here I am stuck out East with all flights sold out due to Easter weekend. I won't get back until Sunday afternoon, after it's all over.

Fortunately there are friends around her and working girl J has the weekend off and is driving up from Chicago tonight to stay at home with the crazy dog Inferno. College boy J is on a road trip in Ohio but will come up Sunday, as will the inlaws, and - finally - me.

It's a repeat of 25 years ago when the same thing happened on her other side and family plans took a whole different direction. Scary then and scary now.

And I just feel tired, weak and useless. What I need to be is brave, strong and helpful.



Saturday night update:

Surgery postponed until temperature and white blood cell count under control. Later in the week probably. At least by then I'll be back. Temperature was 104.6 today until they used a cooling blanket to drive it down. She sounded delerious on the phone and very, very frightened. Helpless took on a new meaning for me today.

Happy Passover!

Oh, I miss the Seder, and the table full of people, especially all the little victims, er, I mean eager young children who sit through three hours of lecture, I mean compellingly interesting ceremony that the adults can barely grasp. What fun! :)

Really, though. I miss it. What I miss the most is being the Rabbi. And lately also being the eldest, who answers the 4 questions. Oy Gevalt! Such responsibility I should have at my tender age! The leader and the eldest. Hm. Might as well be the Rabbi, then. If I let my beard grow out, I'd sure look the part. Grizzled old codger - um, excuse me, respected teacher of the people. ;)

I love wearing the tallit, singing the Sh'ma, chanting/reciting the prayers in Hebrew (from memory now after all these years), telling the story of the outgoing from Egypt, explaining all the ritual foods, hiding the afikomen and redeeming it with a Sacagawea dollar (which seriously underwhelms any kid over 8.) And oh! The 4 cups of wine. Very important. 4 cups. Yes indeedy.

So, tonight, I have the matzoh out, some cream cheese handy for the leftovers, a decent Ravenswood Zin (not handmade by the Rabbi so definitely not kosher, but you make do, you know?) Might just get 4 cups out of this bottle if I work at it. A couple of roasted eggs (ok, boiled), some salt, and for greens... well... how about the bell peppers and green chiles in my cheesy enchilada soup? And I think the jalapeno and chipotle peppers in the soup will have to do for the bitter herbs. No horseradish, sorry. But then, I'm not Orthodox, so I should worry?

And as far as being alone on Passover - I wonder if I can sort of do a virtual Seder? Something will work out, I know. :) If God could provide the lamb for Abraham... He can provide for me.

L'Chaim! To Life!

Contractor Day

Got the seller's agent to open up the new house Wednesday to let me bring in contractors (plumbing, electrical, flooring, painting, carpentry) for estimates. I thought I'd have a hard time getting people there, and that I'd be hanging out all day waiting for people to show up. But they're all coming at 9AM! I'll have a stampede on my hands.

"You! Carpenter! Downstairs!"

"Painter! Bedrooms!"

"Electric! Sun room!"

"Plumber! Kitchen!"

"Flooring! Living room!"

"GO!"

And after 15 minutes, I'll yell: "Everybody switch rooms!"

This should be a circus. What a way to spend a vacation day! :)

And just you watch... when I schedule them for the 3rd week of May to actually do the work - nobody will show up. ;)

Dreary...

Where is Spring?

There are signs of it, sure. The forsythias are all golden and the jonquils are standing tall. But it's so cold and rainy here today, and such a boring Saturday. Nothing to do but watch TV, vacuum, watch TV, eat, watch TV, exercise, watch a DVD, dust the sills, eat, write letters, watch TV. Arghhh! I want OUT!

I think it's partly because I'd been cooped up in a meeting room for two solid days trying to stay engaged and alert. Good meetings, useful, informative, but... made me stir crazy. I want to go dancing or something! Or watch baseball. Or get the tennis racket out. Something! Even having someone over for dinner would be nice. But, um... no.

Got this poem in a card today from my daughter, such an encourager, always writing. Even though I write people every Saturday, she's really the only one I get mail from on any kind of regular schedule. When I see friendly handwriting in my mailbox, I don't feel so isolated.

Spring

I said in my heart "I am sick
Of four walls and a ceiling.
I have need of the sky.
I have business with the grass.

I will up and get me away
Where the hawk is wheeling,
Lone and high,
And the slow clouds go by."

-Richard Hovey Dodd

Yeah. Me, too.

Chicago in March!

What a nice time in the 'city with broad shoulders.' Good seminar, good business meetings, good meals out, comfortable beds, a little time for shopping, opportunities to be with favorite people who I never seem to get enough time with... you know who you are! :)

And, 3 weekends in a row at home. Wow. While it's the last time for that, it was sure nice. So, back East again for two weeks of "normal" work, plus the start of lining up contractors to come to the house for estimates on work to do (flooring, carpentry, plumbing, electrical, painting, buried dog fence, etc...) To avoid grief on the sellers, I'd like to get them all there on one day, taking vacation to be there the whole time. Then schedule them all to come the week of 5/15 and work simultaneously, so that when the moving van arrives with the furniture on 5/25, they're all gone.

Hmmm. Wonder if I can still find time to join that company golf league in May...