A 10!

The house inspector came through Tuesday - he said the new house is "a 10"! :) So, nothing of import to fix before occupancy. Yay!

The only things to really do now are to:

extend the hardwoods up and down the two half-flights of stairs and up into the living room,

take up the carpet in the family room (which will become "the lounge"!),

use the carpet from living and family rooms to replace older carpets in a couple of other bedrooms,

paint a couple of rooms (the lounge being one, of course), and some ceiling beams in the kitchen,

and replace old wrought iron railing and lighting fixtures in the dining/living room areas with something much more modern. :)

And all this... I get to do in the 10 days between closing and when the moving van arrives. Oh boy!

And in the meantime, on the work front, my first hire? isn't yet. :( She's being coy. The hiring process always reminds me so much of dating. And grrr... coyness drives me nuts! Always has. Directness is so much better. :)

I've never liked waiting and wondering.. I mean, if you already know what you're thinking.. what's wrong with being straightforward??

Two houses - again

They accepted the offer. As is.

A fair price, fast closing, room in the cost to make a few (hopefully stunning) decorating improvements.

In by the end of May!

No movement on the house in NE, though. The clock is ticking...

Pretty good week

all the way around.

From a nice reception at the office, to contributing right away, to making a good hire, to getting all the equipment and connections to be productive, to thoroughly searching the housing market, to finishing the week with an offer on a home...

a pretty good week.

:)

Okay, this is creepy.

I learned a new expression this week: "work wife."

It's my first day here, and I'm having lunch with D, my peer and assigned tour guide for the day, who henceforth will be known as "work-husband." After the entree, as we linger over our sodas, he pops out with this expression, and says "have you ever heard of it?"

-- news to me, says I. What's it mean?

It's like your wife, he says, but just at the office. You share gossip about office politics that your real wife doesn't get, know all the inside jokes that would take hours to explain at home, get aspirin from her when you run out, have lunch together when your wife is a 40 minute commute away, and tell each other when you look tired or your hair is messed up or your tie is crooked or your strap is showing.

-- oh, says I. Really.

Yeah, and you met mine this morning, he says.

It turns out to be R, the "pretty capable girl" from the prior post who I just hired, and who henceforth will be known as work-wife. Not mine - his.

Since then I have observed them several times a day talking in each other's cubicles in hushed tones, and work-wife coming over to find out if work-husband is feeling better now after the aspirin he took from her, and going down to the caf for lunch together. At least they don't car pool!

Now, I thought to myself, am I just out of touch here? How long has this been a common expression? So, as I've been instructed to do by more than one 20something I know, I just "Googled it." (hmm.. should that be capitalized??) Very interesting results - to wit:

http://slate.msn.com/id/2109876/

http://men.style.com/gq/features/full?id=content_403

Hm.

I have to say that this seems creepy to me. But that may well be because I have a harder time than most people seeing relations between men and women as being strictly platonic. There is always a sexual tension between men and women, which makes those relationships interesting and fun.

Now I suppose there are certain personalities that can handle the sexual tension, and keep it in check, better than others can. Me, though... um... that would be no. Sexuality is waaaaay too much in the forefront of my makeup (yesss, even at my age. Give it a rest already.) to do platonic male/female relationships with any degree of closeness except under very clear circumstances. Like - with your relatives! :)

So, it makes me nervous to have this going on across the aisle between a peer and one of my staff. Especially when I know that if she and I have any disagreements as worker and boss, that she will go straight to him with it.

Hm.

Maybe I'm making way too much of it, but.. I still think it's creepy.

Two days into it

and so far, so good. Actually, better than good. :)

I was apprehensive, of course. How will I be welcomed, perceived, treated? The answers are: with open arms, as some much needed talent, like it's their privilege to have me here! So... it's been very nice, and definitely better than I expected. :)

Granted, the creature comforts are less than before, but the people sure are nice, and I've already landed my first hire, a pretty capable girl just a few years out of college, with some talent and a boatload of enthusiasm. That, plus getting all my computer connections to work, and a few positive remarks on my fashion sense, and.. things are shaping up pretty well for the first two days. ;)

Now if the housing market would just cooperate..

Off to my new life

... by way of my kid's concert. :)

Which I suppose could be said *is* part of my new life - being able to be a bit more involved with, and not so darned far away from, those I love. Presuming that those I love *want* me more involved, that is. I'm not sure of that with everyone. But at least the opportunity is there if they want it.

I do wish school was starting, and that I didn't have to wait until Fall. I think if I had more to do... especially something like classes, which I've enjoyed so far and which have been a mental challenge... I would focus less on what I don't get enough of, you know? I'd be thinking more about what's positive about my life and less about what isn't just the way I'd like it to be.

So next week, I have a whole new batch of people to meet and get to know. Oh boy. Some of you readers would say, "oh, boy!" without the dripping sarcasm, but the introvert here says... ick. Still, I'll throw the performance switch to "on" and be an extrovert for a while, dropping exhausted at the end of the day from the drain of acting.

Going from a walled office to a cubicle will not be fun... I don't have to listen to people yak where I am now. But I will, though, from now on. :( I can't put music on to drown them out. Not too many mangers feel comfortable wearing headphones at their desks, either. Doesn't seem ... managerial.

If I can't have a walled office... I WANT A CLASSROOM! Can I do three years of cubicle duty to get it? I hope so.

What a trip...

San Fransisco was all I remembered it to be. :)

The city was its eclectic self.



From the hearts on the corners of Union Square,











to the derelicts in the doorways,











to the packed trolley cars,











to the modern art galleries,











to the nearby wine country,











to the alternative art displays,











and everything else the place is known for. ;)







Wish I could have walked those streets with someone special. :) Maybe another time, another year..

Travel time again

Heading out for 3 days in San Fransisco this morning, all work releated, and looong days at that. My first red-eye flight ever on the way back, too. Oh boy! :( I'm sure I'll be cranky after that one...

I haven't been to SF for the longest time, and do miss it. I used to get there probably every other month or so, and often managed to drive up into Napa and poke around. Right now everything should be green in the countryside, with winter the rainy season there. In the summer, it's all a golden brown and pretty in a different way.

Then back on Thursday only to turn around Saturday and head to the Twin Cities (by way of Chicago to see J2's choir concert) to start the new job, and look for housing.

I'm getting nervous - first day jitters!

It's Done!

The job is decided. And the terms are set. I think this will work. :)

I'll start in the Twin Cities April 2, living in and out of hotels for a while, but with an eye toward having a (probably) rented place by 5/1 or 6/1. Not sure buying is the best idea right now, but... I can be persuaded. We'll see what the market looks like.

So yay! It's good to be moving forward (or back, depending on how you see it.) I'm looking forward to picking up with grad school again in Fall, and to returning to the promised land after being exiled in Egypt (as I call it out here) for the second time in 6 years.

The only thing I wish I could do is bring the New England house back with me. It's great, and I hate to leave it behind. Other people seem to think it's great, too. After only being listed for 3 days, we've had 3 showings, and people are very complimentary. I think the retro lounge is going to add to the market value!

It should, darn it. It's cool. :)

Made it!

Flew back last night through ice pellets bouncing off the airplane wings. Only a half hour late, and one of the smoothest landings ever. Whew!

Every half-hour the pilot would come on the intercom and give us an update on the condition of the runway where were would be landing, specifically to assure us that the "braking action appears to be good".

Yikes! Would he have said something if it weren't? Like... "the braking action is highly questionable, the last two planes that tried to land are now in a pile at the end of the runway by the cow pasture... but buckle up, everybody, we're going in!"

Good thing I parked in the covered ramp at the airport - no cleaning off the car. But the drive was so icy that I couldn't make it into the garage last night so sometime I have to think about going outside. Just not today. :)

I have homework to do!!! It's my last day to turn in assignments and try to preserve my A in NT102 "Emergence of the Church".

Really good trip yesterday. The job options are clearer, they seem like things that I could do okay for a few years, the people there seem interested in having me, etc. By mid-next week, all the details should be worked out, including transition terms and a start date.

I may even be able to sign up for a class during the summer term! Wow, who would have thought I'd ever be excited about going to school in summer? :)

Wonder if the seminary has air conditioned classrooms? ;)

Weather is NOT my friend

Now it looks like it will snow here tomorrow, when I am supposed to be in the Twin Cities wrapping up a job selection process. So far, it's just rainy and getting colder, but... you know what that means!

I'll be driving to and from my on-site class tonight (for the final exam), and I suppose the return trip will tell me how things are shaping up.

If I can get out of here in the morning, great! It's not supposed to snow *there*, and so maybe I can finally get to a decision on this job thing and start planning for a transition.

But here... we'll get 3-6 inches by Friday evening. I hope I can get back, or I will NOT be able to finish my online class assignments. :( Saturday is the last day I can turn them in.

Arghh! I want that "A"! If not, I'll have yet another weather-related disruption. I have all the disruptions I can handle right now, thanks. Snow, hold off!

The for sale sign

goes up in the yard tomorrow.

Here we go...

But - to which job of the 3?

At least I know which school and what program.

Maybe next week I'll know the other answer.

Oh, and the *other* other answer, too. :)

That's cryptic, huh? Well... it fits.

SemPM and Corporate Security

Um... what?!? What kind of a title is that?

Convoluted.

I know. That's me, baby. :)

Two conversations of note this morning at the office.

First, on my way in.

I'm entering the complex, and... a security gate has malfunctioned between two buildings and there is suddenly no way to get there from here. There's a half-dozen people fiddling with it, some working, some kibitzing, and a crowd has gathered to watch. Ooh, ooh, I wanna see, too! :)

But then I do something naughty. I whip out my cell phone and take a picture of the festivities, to wit:

At which point, a blue-suited guy with an ex-military air comes over and says "just who do you work for? Are you an employee?" Woah! He goes on to tell me that it's company policy that no one can take photos in the building unless you're with corporate communications. Well, excuuuuuuse me. :)

So I fold it up and put it away, and start tapping on my Blackberry, just doing some email while I wait. Then he starts shooing the crowd away telling us to go outside and use another entrance. People begin to drift off, and I'm finishing up an email. He comes over and says again: "who is your supervisor? I'm just trying to help you here."

At that point I got mad and said "Oh, give me a break, you're not trying to help me, you just suspect me of being a troublemaker. This is a corporate-issued Blackberry, on which I'm doing company work, which you are impeding. Who is *your* supervisor?" He left me alone. And then I took his picture, too. :) Pfbbbbt!

Second conversation was back at my desk. Got a call from the assoc. registrar at school (the main campus in the Twin Cities.) I had inquired about transferring to the regular seminary from this East Coast extension campus, and wanted some info about their evening program, which they call SemPM.

It's cohort-based, offers my preferred major, runs 3 years, all classes on Monday nights, cranking through 4 credits every 5 weeks. Wow. Lots of work... detailed information is en route.

But! There's another option of which I was unaware. They have made a "catalog committment" to having all the courses which are available to their regular daytime seminary students also available to them on Tuesday and Thursday nights over a period of several years.

So, I don't *have* to do the canned 3 year intensive approach, but could lighten it up if need be and go a little slower if I had to. That's nice to know. :) This quarter doing 8 credits in 10 weeks with full-time employment on top has been ... well, it's been a lot.

Hm. This school thing is looking better all the time. :)

Melancholy Music

Why is it that when you feel melancholy you tend to gravitate to melancholy music? You know, the "play it again, Sam" idea, or the lyrics in Sinatra's "One More For The Road".. the guy drinking alone in a bar, with a sad song on the jukebox that speaks of lost love or grief. Doesn't that just make it worse? Wouldn't happy, goofy music be better?

But you know... I did it to myself last week. I've been trying to fight off melancholia (and stomach acid - you know, the tension kind that feels ulcerous) this whole last week. Thursday I burned a CD full of sad songs that I labeled as "Soundtrack for a Fool" and listened to it over and over. Dumb idea. Once I dug out some livelier latin, dance and house music, it helped. :)

So the last day or two I thought I was doing pretty well, until lunch today when I'm sitting in the local Subway having hot pastrami on a low-carb wrap, and the sound system overhead plays 3 sad emo "you're a loser" kind of songs in a row, and all of a sudden the stomach acid rises, the tears come, and I'm a mess again. Ruined a good pastrami sandwich, besides...

What's the matter with these music programmers? Don't they realize I'm fragile right now?? (sniff!)

:)

I'll be okay - and soon, I hope. I just need to move forward, you know? ..not dwell on what's past. The right music helps.

Rent vs Buy

I'm getting the feeling that owning a home is not going to be part of the next move. Once grad school is done in ... 3 years? ... who knows where my classroom might be?

Trying to sell this house only a year after buying it will be disastrous economically, especially without the company picking up all the costs of the sale they way they usually do. Yuk. So why get in that same situation again?

It would make more sense to rent a townhouse or something, and get used now to yet another reduction in lifestyle and space, so as to eventually get down to spending what a schoolteacher can afford. Getting expenses well below income is going to be pretty critical to build some savings back up and make the next few years work.

This is kind of like starting over... except I'm not 24!

I just feel like it on certain days. :)

What is truth?

That famous comment by Pontius Pilate from John 18:38 was ringing in my head last night and this morning. Was Pilate just jaded and cynical? Did he think that truth was at best situational? Or did he really know what the truth was, and... was afraid of it?

I think the latter. In the verse before, he stands there in dialogue with Truth, personified. Then he makes his cryptic statement. And then, turns right around in the next verse and says to the crowd "I find no fault in Him".

I think he knew Truth when he saw it, when he heard it. But it cut him to the heart because he didn't like its implications, didn't want to have to change what he was inside. He tried to let the crowds act honorably, in his place, but when they didn't, he acquiesced to what was the most expedient thing for the moment.

I think he knew himself - that doing the expedient thing was already his default setting. I think he knew that, in the end, he would let the opinions of others guide his choices.

I think he knew that he would not change who he was inside, not for anyone, and so - tried to make it easier on himself. Truth was staring him in the face, showing him who he was, and he didn't like what he saw. So he dodged it.

And who among us doesn't do the exact same thing?

This, really, is why the Truth was sacrificed later that same day... to pay for those of us who avoid Truth, who do the expedient thing instead (which, in the end, is really not that expedient after all.)

And for those of us who do these things... Truth doesn't just condemn; He forgives!

So do I.

How could I not? For someone like me who daily has so much that needs forgiveness, and's who's already *been* forgiven of so much, so repeatedly, how could I not follow His example and forgive, even if it happens to me again and again?

I must.

God has no illusions about who we are. He forgives, accepts, loves anyway. How can I do less? I need to travel with no illusions about people, about who they are. No rose-colored glasses. Rather... forgive, accept, love.

I must.

And I want to.

One down

Heard from the recruiter last night.

Now I know which Twin Cities. :)

And it won't be an easy transition, financially or otherwise. Hopefully, though, it will be a fulfilling and internally rewarding one. The picture is clarifying, anyway. I keep the strong focus on grad school and direction toward a new career, and have a weak focus on the day-to-day job and old career.

Can I be in a classroom by Fall of 2009? 2010?

It's never happy news to get turned down. No one wants to be rejected. Even if all it really is, is a clarifying by God of His direction for your life, you still take it personally and look for the flaws in yourself that made you unwanted.

You'd think, being male, that a lifetime of asking women for ... whatever it is men ask them for ... and getting routinely rejected in one way or another, kindly, neutrally or harshly, that it would be easier to handle. It isn't - at least not for me.

These are the few days in my life when I envy thick-skinned people.

It's Finals Week

and in my on-line class I am sooooo far behind! Vacations and business trips tend to influence me in non-productive ways. :)

Ugh. I'm not sure I'll catch up. But at least I have an A going in that one (until now!) The on-site class at least I'm current in, even though I'm only on track for a C. I was hoping for a B average, but I'm not sure now that's going to happen.

Well, class tonight (I'll miss the MU-Pitt game! Waah!), and then one more day of vacation. Maybe I can catch up on that somewhat tomorrow. I should be able to work hard on Saturday too. Sunday I'll be catching up on all that happened on the latest missions trip.

Then another week of work, and perhaps more travel. Travel? During finals? Unheard of!

Which is better?

The apostle Paul told the Corinthians in no uncertain terms not to focus on their rights and to stop taking their fellow church members to court. "Wouldn't it be better to be defrauded?", Paul said, rather than focus on protecting yourself?

There are people like the Corinthians in every generation who are so concerned about self-protection that they will do whatever is necessary to avoid giving up their rights to autonomy and privacy for somebody else's sake, even to the point of hurting them if need be. They'll avoid at all costs being taken advantage of, or being put out, or risking hurt, even if it's for the welfare of another.

I understand this. I love privacy, autonomy, having things on my terms, being in charge, in control. But there's a line I won't cross to have that.

On the other hand, there are other people who are willing to suffer, to take hurt upon themselves, in order to keep someone else from harm, and to do them good.

I don't really understand that very well. But I also know when and in what circumstances that becomes the only right thing to do - let yourself be hurt for their sake. When you're committed to them - it's what you do.



Who would you rather be?

To be genuine and open-hearted, but a complete naif and total fool,

or...

To be duplicitous and guarded, but never get taken advantage of?



And which is better:

To give freely of yourself, believe the best of others, but wind up being defrauded?

or...

To hold yourself back, not risk exposing yourself to hurt, and so be solidly in control?



Which is better:

To love with your whole heart, lay yourself completely open, and wind up being cut deep and wide?

or...

To love only until it gets costly, keep enough secrets to guard your heart, and never really risk being open at all?



Which is better?

To vow to never hurt someone, give until you have nothing left, and then wind up being taken for granted?

or...

To do what's in your best interests, and hide what you must, to avoid wounding deeply those who love you?



Which is better?



I love independence, but..

As for me, I would rather be a total fool, be taken advantage of, be defrauded, be in the control of others, be cut deep and wide, be taken for granted, be abused and wounded, be seen as weak, but ... be trustworthy.

Or would you rather be seen by others as essentially closed to them, revealing only what you choose, independent, nobody's fool, worldly-wise, cynical, self-interested, but ... be able to stay safe from hurt and criticism?

Tough choice.

But if I had to choose between being the loyal dog who craves a kind touch, and being the master who one day pets and another day kicks the dog... I'd rather be the simple-minded dog. At least his heart is genuine. You never question a dog's sincerity. He just keeps coming back for more of the same - he loves unreservedly.

March

March.. March.. March..

Just the sound of it makes you think of moving ahead, of progress, of new life, of hope springing eternal.

A while back I had a view of what this March would bring. It sure has turned out differently than I thought, as has this vacation.

So here I sit in Cedar Rapids, IA, having biscuits & gravy with some nasty tasting coffee that I had to over-sweeten to get down, wondering what happened to March. Not to mention wondering what will happen next?

Why Cedar Rapids, you ask? Why not? I'm directionless, so...

Besides, I ran out of gas here, so it seemed like a good idea to stay over. I got myself "a clean comfortable room at a reasonable price" with a light left on for me. Plus the local Target has a wine department - that came in pretty handy last night.

There are some perfectly lovely sights to behold in Cedar Rapids. Really! And did you know that it's the dog food capital of the Midwest? You betcha!

(Sigh)

The recruiter called this morning. Still no resolution to which Twin Cities I'll be working in, and no timetable for knowing, so I guess I might as well go home tomorrow. Not that anyplace is home anymore. I thought I knew. I used to be able to name a place that felt like it.. but now - I don't know what to call home. I thought there was a place for me somewhere, and that this week would just confirm what I already knew All it's done so far is make me feel more homeless.

If March is so hopeful... why do I feel so melancholy?

Hey, Buddy. Pass the sugar, would ya? This is going to have to get a whole lot sweeter for me to get it down...