Looking forward

to...what?

or maybe, rather, to...when?

I've been thinking about this lately. Especially as I contemplate how long it is going to take to finish grad school at this pace. If I take my current load of one night class per quarter (only 3 quarters a year, since summer classes are all daytime ones), that's 12 credits a year.. and it will be 2014 before I'm done! :(

That's just sooo long. I was hoping to make the career jump by 55, not 60! I would have to double up starting Spring quarter, and take 2 evening classes simultaneously (which would essentially mean no free time at all, for even routine social involvement of any kind.) Is it worth leading that kind of "monastic" life to get there faster?

I've talked with Dr. Shrink Wrap (and others) about needing to be able to look forward to each day, find joy in the present and hope for the future. Joy in the present is elusive right now, so hope is more realistic, maybe. But if all the hope is centered so far out.. what do I look forward to *today*? Dr. SW says: have some hobbies, make some friends. Okay.. but with what time?

Some days you just naturally look forward to because they have something really nice in them, like having an old friend come to town to visit, or the local college kids over for dinner, or a time you've pre-set to communicate with someone you love but won't see for a while, or celebrating a holiday or a birthday, or going to a concert, or seeing a good new movie coming out. But these things are not daily occurrences - they're very occasional and not regular. What is it that gets me out of bed *daily*.. except duty?

So okay, doc, let's talk hobbies. What can I do that doesn't demand time-I-don't-have to tend it? I'm going to try growing grapevines in Spring. How does that sound? That's an extension of my winemaking hobby (which I do like and will get back to over Christmas.. but even then, there is a flurry of activity for two weeks and then you wait for 6-12 months.) If you plant the vines in Spring 2008, you can't harvest them until Fall of 2012. Then you start to make the wine, which you can't drink until 2013 or later. Okay, so.. maybe I'll have wine made from my own grapes in time to celebrate my graduation! ;)

Fine. I hope they allow you to bring wine into the assisted living place I'll be in by then..

There's nothing wrong with long-term goals, you know? But.. I need something to look forward to before then, too! Something that doesn't require lots of time investment, since I'll be pouring much of my free time into studying.

Friendships? I don't have an extra night a week to be in a bowling league in winter, or an afternoon a week to golf in leagues that start while school's still on. Bible study small groups tend to take the summer off, so that doesn't help with friendships, either..

Heck, now that I'm working, I don't even have the time to cook cool stuff the way I did when I was unemployed this summer! I looked forward to that. Now when it's my turn, I just throw something together that's quick.. :( And with D quitting soon, it won't even be my turn anymore..

What, then?

Maybe it has to be travel? There's a low "regular" time commitment to it (except for the actual vacation itself, which can be worked around school.) I can maybe use work trips as a jumping off point (like when I go to the corporate HQ in Switzerland, or a seminar somewhere), could do a longer trip a couple of times a year.. and do it now, while I can still afford it.. hmmm.

And in between trips, maybe a few more concerts a year? Good acts do seem to come here..

I do look forward to Mass Saturday afternoon. :) Does that count?

Dr. SW today said these were all good ideas, understood about the time commitment, and suggested some little thing every day, too.. something small but enjoyable. Something that uses the creative part of me. how about writing? he said. keep a journal? :) Gee doc, there's an idea; maybe I could write a little. ;) it might be good therapy, he said. Hmmm.. I wonder if writing a blog might help? yes, that might work well.. Aww, do you suppose I should tell him? :P

So, maybe I can patch together enough short-term hopeful things to fill in the days and weeks, while I work on the long-term hope part. Daily joy may follow later..

Hey, I'm trying, you know?

It's cold!

My goodness.

I am finding that I don't tolerate the cold as well as I used to. I've needed my winter jacket earlier than I thought I would. And when it barely gets into the 20s, like now, even walking to the car across a good-sized parking lot .. my teeth start to chatter! What's up with that? They never do that! I even turn the seat-warmer thing on in the car now. Me! Crazy!

As I home in on my target weight, and my endocrine medication levels stabilize my body's metabolism to the right setting, I'm starting to experience less overheating when it's warm, and less easy tolerance of cold. Hm. Maybe I'm becoming normal?!?

I may have to think twice about going to someplace cold like Patagonia as my next solo vacation..

okay, all done thinking. I wanna go. :)

Two shots of happy, one shot of sad..

Bono and The Edge co-wrote this song for Sinatra, but Frank died without ever recording it. :( Recently a kid named Matt Dusk did.. not too badly, either. Hm. You can sort of see Sinatra's life in the lyrics. Interesting song, by two interesting guys.



Two shots of happy, one shot of sad
You think I'm no good, well I know I've been bad
Took you to a place, now you can't get back
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad

Walked together down a dead end street
We were mixing the bitter with the sweet
Don't try to figure out what we might have had
Just two shots of happy, one shot of sad

I'm just a singer, some say a sinner
Rolling the dice, not always a winner
You say I've been lucky, well hell I've made my own
Not part of the crowd, but not feeling alone

Under pressure, but not bent out of shape
Surrounded, we always found an escape
Drove me to drink, but hey that's not all bad
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad

Guess I've been greedy, all of my life
Greedy with my children, my lovers, my wife
Greedy for the good things as well as the bad
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad

Maybe it's just talk, saloon singing
The chairs are all stacked, the swinging's stopped swinging
You say I hurt you, you had put the finger on yourself
Then after you did, you came crying for my help

Two shots of happy, one shot of sad
I'm not complaining, baby I'm glad
You call it a compromise, well what's that?
Two shots of happy, one shot of sad

Two shots of happy, one shot of sad



..well, from my standpoint, that's not such a bad mix. :)

I wouldn't mind getting to a 2/1 blend in life. I could live with that.

The African / Catholic connection

Last night was the penultimate class in TS501, and the subject matter is getting further and further afield from what I had come to think for the last 3 decades as normative. My oh my.

Tonight we talked about Africa and the theologies emergent in a culture where Christianity has gone from representing 10% of the population in 1900, to being the majority religion now, with nearly 50% of the population adhering to it, roughly 400 million people.

With such rapid growth, it has not yet divorced itself (and may not, ever) from many concepts native to the culture, such as a sense of one's identity coming from the community. "There is no I, without there first being a we" is a catch phrase of the culture.

There is also a takeoff on Descartes' "Cogito ergo sum." (I think, therefore I am.) The African version is, "I am because we are." Thinking moves from the community to the individual. It's certainly not the Western way, where, because I'm confident in who I am, now I can think about others.

Then there's the veneration of ancestors, the notion that they are benevolent guiding spirits, seeking to assist us. Africans are quick to note that it is NOT ancestor *worship*, as they worship one God, and one only. It is rather a recognition that the souls of the dead do not cease to be, and they remain active and interested in our welfare.

There are obvious parallels to the Catholic (Nicene, really) confession of the "communion of saints", and the current practice of veneration of saints, asking for their aid - and how they (and angels) are seen as benevolent spirits, interested in our welfare and active in seeking it. Spirits who want to help us (and whom we will be among someday), but.. not God; not to be worshipped, but whose help we can seek.

Also, some African theologians turn to one of the church fathers, Tertullian (who himself was from North Africa), for a definitive and culturally relevant doctrine of the Trinity as a "community" within the Godhead. They say that without this communion within God (the "we"), the Incarnation of the Son (the "I") could not have come about.

So, when we are "coupled" with someone in a love relationship.. do we get to the point where we think about "us" first (the communion of two souls), and only then about me? Do we strive first for communion with the other? Do thoughts of self always have their origin in the context of the relationship with the other? Or do we first think of self, and then modify that because there is another with us right now? Are we defined by the relationship, or do we bring ourself to the relationship to define it our way? What does loving sacrificially mean?

Verrrrrry interesting.

But it makes me tired in the head. :)

No more reading, though! Yay! Just the last paper to write. Due in two weeks. I'll see if I can get 'er done in one, so I can pick up an adjuncting job over the holidays, teaching another math class for a local college. Maybe I can pay for a few vacation days in Switzerland when I go there for business next year. :)

There I go again... me, me, me... ;)

Can you believe it?

It's almost December 1! Almost time to turn another page in my Chagall calendar. :) I love the opportunity that a new month brings..

.. the last half of a month seems sooo looong.

workout

.


straining to the last
muscle fibers tearing now
pain is on its way


.

Music Reviews: A.C. Newman, Ammoncontact, etc.

Well, it was a nice long weekend. :) Too full of studying to really feel like I detached from responsibility, the way you want to on vacation, but.. just enough detachment so that I'm also not looking forward to a regular week of work this week. :(

I did feel like I got my pre-winter chores done around the house and yard, too. The raised bed gardens in the back yard are torn out, the compost bin built from the leftover timbers, the lawnmower put away and snowblower out and ready.. c'mon, Winter, let's go! I'm ready for ya, man.

Also finished up my second of three papers for the quarter in TS501, and after tonight will be ready for the last of the reading quizzes. Just two classes and the final left! Not having to study for 4 weeks over Advent.. now *that* will feel like vacation!

On to the reviews:

Joe Rogness - "Tell The Story": He was the opening act for Sara Groves at her CD release concert. This most recent CD of his is acoustic, with a definite jazz feel. He has a spiritual take on things, but doesn't avoid the ups and downs of regular human relationships. Easy to listen to, and some songs are really compelling. All are good. Absolutely great tracks: You're Beautiful To Me, Do You Still Believe In Love? Thumbs up for a really good CCM CD that could cross over if marketed right.

Ammoncontact - "With Voices": Although this is in the hip-hop section, even the rap songs on here sound more like simply reading poetry to music. There's some thoughtfulness behind the arrangements, and some really good verse being sung or read. Favorite tracks: Beautiful Flowers (sounds like Enigma), Earth's Children (featuring Mia Doi Todd), plus a few I also downloaded from their 2003 CD "Sounds Like Everything": Super Eagles and Black Stars, Encouragement, House Plants. Thumbs up for this cerebral and inclusive rap/hip-hop effort.

Andrew Bird - "The Mysterious Production of Eggs": Strange. But also cool. This guy plays fiddle now and then with The Squirrel Nut Zippers, who are as odd as they come. So there is some offbeat instrumentation to this thing, but also some really good playing. Favorite tracks: Measuring Cups, Masterfade (his whistling sounds like playing a saw with a bow), My Skin Is (surreal lyrics and jazzy arrangement), Tables and Chairs (imagine a kind of sweet little song about post-Apocalypse partying with lines like "trading butterfly knives" and "there will be snacks"). Two thumbs up!

A.C. Newman - "Slow Wonder": I *thought* this guy sounded familiar, but I couldn't place him. iTunes solved the problem for me - The New Pornographers is where I know him from - aha! But I didn't know that Neko Case came from there, too. Hm. Just shows how much I have to learn.

Well, I like that band and now the solo efforts, too. iTunes calls him alternative, but I don't know.. the backing instruments sound like straight-up rock to me, though his voice suits the alternative labeling. The strange lyrics do, too. Some religious imagery here. I think I heard the word "revelation" on no less than 3 separate tracks. Hm. Decent tracks: Secretarial, 35 In The Shade, Miracle Drug, On The Table. Some of the other songs do drag a little bit. Some make no sense at all. Others are quite good. One thumb up for this CD.

Incense!

Yeah! Finally got to see them use it in a Mass. :)

I guess it was only because yesterday they were blessing ("dedicating", for the Evangelicals among my readership) a new icon (highly stylized piece of religious artwork) for the sanctuary (the part of the church building where.. oh, ha. just kidding. ;) Now that we are once again attending a church on Sundays that meets in a school gym, I nearly forgot that some Evangelicals actually do worship in a sanctuary!) So the priest got the censer thing going, and when it was smoking waved it front of the icon while we sang "For All The Saints", and the scent wafted its way gradually across the sanctuary to where I sat. Mmmm... so nice.

Spicy and sweet and charcoal-y smelling. Yay! I wish they'd do that more often, but I guess they save it for special occasions or something. So, it finally brought that last of my 5 senses into play in worship. :) 'Bout time, too! I mean, what else was I going to do? Insist that they use only scented tealights? Request the ritual, communal wearing of perfume and cologne by the faith community? ;) Regardless, it's one of the things I enjoy most about Catholicism - all my senses are engaged. :)

Several good ol' protestant-y hymns (or at least that's how I think of them - especially if I already know both the bass and the tenor line by heart) were part of the service, too, although some could be Catholic in origin, who knows? "Crown Him With Many Crowns", "Crown Him Lord of All", "As The Deer", "Lift High The Cross" - an all around good service, although Fr. Fitz was a little overcome by the dedication part. He had to collect himself before he could move on. Aww.. it was kind of sweet. :) He's got a big heart.

It was also the end of the liturgical year, and the three-year cycle of the missal (sp?), so starting next Sunday it's Advent and the start of a new liturgical year and a new three-year cycle of readings. Hm. Interesting process, that. There is a sense of fellowship with other Catholics all around the world who are hearing the same Scriptures that you are, and also with other churches that do the same thing. Episcopal, UCC, maybe? I'm not sure who all does that, but I know some Protestants do.

Anyway, if you have loved ones who are Catholic, but you're separated by distance.. you know you are sharing in the same Mass as they are, hearing the Word the same. And there's always time in the service to pray for them silently, too - before the Mass starts, during the communal prayer time, while the Eucharist is being served. And people do pray, too - not many are talking or looking around. It's nice. I like to think about people earnestly bringing their concerns to God. And I personally put that time to good use. :)

Happened to run into my sponsor there (the person the church assigned to "mentor" me during the RCIA process and, I guess, keep up with progress later on, though I can't see that being as crucial as it is beforehand where they need to answer questions and be able to testify to the catechumen's faith during the Rites of Initiation, etc.)

So... I asked her about veneration. This topic still sticks in my craw. It smacks of worship of things other than God. She explained it was a semantic difference in what is meant by the word, and I guess I follow that, but.. I don't know. I have to think about it some. Separating Church teaching from actual practice is important right now. I have to know which is which. What is it exactly that I'm signing on for here, you know?

The new Sunday morning church is working out well. :) Today was a rapid overview of the entire Old Testament, done in "Masterpiece Theatre" style, the pastor reading while in an upholstered armchair with Tiffany lamp, some hilarious visuals complete with clips of Mel Brooks, Monty Python, Leave it to Beaver, Darth Vader, Roadrunner & Coyote cartoons, etc. Somehow it all worked. :) Very, very casual place, this. I think I'll keep wearing my jeans & t-shirt. ;)

Actually this is working out well: the mystery, beauty and pageantry of the ancient faith on Saturdays, and the casual, laid-back, simple practicality of the modern faith on Sundays. I have both. It's good. :)

Yo! Credo, bro..

It means "I believe" in Latin. And it's what my theology prof calls the two major papers due this quarter - our "credo papers". I think the other profs have agreed to carry on this same idea in the next two quarters as well, as I move into TS 502 and 503. In these, we are asked to pick a topic within the doctrine we are studying (Doctrine of Scripture, Doctrine of God), ask a thesis question pertaining to the topic, and proceed to answer it in about 1500 words. Make that 2000 words for me. ;) Yak, yak, yak..

So my first credo paper was on whether or not Scripture is self-attesting. Nope. :) Needs affirmation by the community of believers. The second (first draft yesterday, final today) is on whether or not the trinitarian nature of God is the core of the Christian faith, essential for salvation, necessary for our understanding of God, etc. Nope. :) And hey, with all respect to those theologians who argue this way.... that is so whack! ;)

Not that I'm not trinitarian, you understand.. but if I was or I wasn't.. and at this point I ain't sayin', yallknowhamsayn?.. what I *am* sayin' is that it certainly makes no difference to God, and is not that crucial to my Christian faith or my ability to jus be hangin wit' my homes, dawg, chillin' wit' my peeps, yea, all up on that, word? (um, read: fellowship with other Christians) - or at least it *shouldn't* matter. A quick review of Micah 6:8, James 1:27, Hebrews 11:6 and Romans 10:9-10 should make it clear what does make a difference, what does matter to God and to my faith.

It's pretty simple, really. Tough to live out, but simple to understand. Simple enough for a child to understand. And if I remember right, Jesus taught something along those lines, yes? About childlike faith? And what the God-man J say.. yea, that ain't whack - all His stuff is fly and tight, son.

I'm starting to think that theologians need to go back to Sunday School and see some Bible story puppets again. :) Then, take their theo-janx to the street and see if they can get anybody real to pick up on it. And yo, if they can't, maybe it cuz they totally lunchin'.

Peaceout. One.

A good day

yesterday. About a 3 hour drive to bro-in-law's house for dinner, TV football (Packers/Lions), pinochle, drawing names (amongst the siblings, and again amongst the cousins) for Christmas gift exchanges. Wrote new lyrics to an oldie of a song for another (absent) bro-in-law's upcoming birthday. Met with consensus approval. :)

Which is better than my carrot soup fared - opinions were about as mixed on that as they are on cooked red cabbage. :( But Mom-in-law will make it for her cooking club next week! So.. a small victory, anyway. I think I'll do cauliflower-leek for Christmas. :)

Another 3 hour drive back home, good conversation en route with D about the church and authority, and a 10:30 PM conference call with India to wrap it up. All told, not a bad Thanksgiving. The only thing missing.. was J1 and J2. I think this is the first time ever that at least one of them wasn't there. :( Christmas, though.. should be better.

Hope it was a good day for all you readers! I have much to be thankful for, both close at hand and far away. :) Maybe you feel the same.

common grace

.


ring the table round
loved ones gather once again
giving thanks to God


.

pas de deux

.


waltz with me tonight
feel with me the rise and fall
till we gasp for breath



picture in my frame
waltz with me across the years
till the music ends


.

12 is the new 50

What?

Oh, nothing. It's just Opus again. :) One of my favorite cartoons (click to enlarge.) These two especially. I don't think they need any explanation, do you?

Although.. I will elaborate to some extent below. Don't I always? ;)

































And the second one - ha - I'm going the other direction. Imagine, me, sending $25 to Obama's campaign. Yikes! Must be a mid-life crisis. ;)

So... if I can take a risk on a liberal... bungee jumping here we come!



Well, maybe not...



Saw a preview for a new movie coming out with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, called "The Bucket List." These two old guys are in the hospital recovering from serious surgeries, and decide that when they get out they need to work on their bucket lists. Those are the lists of things they each want to do before they kick the bucket. :)

D and I talked about that idea after seeing the preview and compared our lists. Hers was enormous! So much to do, so little time, you know?

Mine? I couldn't think of one thing. Not one. She had to suggest one. And I agreed - yes, okay, there are a few spots in the world I'd still like to see. New Zealand, Switzerland/Austria, Patagonia, Jerusalem. That's about it. A little recreational travel. I need to see more mountain lakes! :)

Really, as I thought about it, I have done pretty much everything I've set out to do in life, plus a whole bunch more that had never occurred to me to do, and I couldn't have imagined, but which have been wonderful! I honestly feel like I could be "done" now, and it would have been a full life, with few regrets and lots of good things. I guess I feel ready .. to go .. anytime. :) I'm all set.

But until that day comes.. I wonder.. could I still learn to swim? I hate water. But after all, I learned this year how to run 2 miles without stopping (and I hate running), and do 45 consecutive pushups before smashing my nose in the carpet. Why not swimming?

Hmmm.. let's think longer term. Get my Masters, of course, and change careers to teaching at 55. Spend my time scraping the mush out of those young minds like the root canal guy did to me yesterday. ;)

What else? Could I.. grow my own grapes for wine? Get good enough on the piano to take over for Grandma C at family gatherings, when she passes?

Ooooh.. corrupt a few grandchildren! You know, fill their heads with crazy ideas having just enough truth to confuse them for years? I still have some of those ideas left over from my goofy brother who did it to me.. (or better yet, since I don't have any grandchildren yet - do it to someone else's!)

I am sooo looking forward to being an eccentric old codger. :) It's why I practice now! I think I have the eccentric part down already. ;) Oh, um.. no comments necessary from you about the old and codger parts.

I survived.

(see prior post)

Now I hope the tooth will.

$500 for an hour and a half of torture. Such a deal!

Well, it wasn't really torture. I'm making that up. It was uncomfortable. Until they strapped on the nitrous oxide, and then.. whoooo caaaarreed...

:)

I did feel the shots of anesthetic. Hate those. But they do work. And then there *was* that little "pop" when he blew right through the bottom of the long tap root with the "antibacterial plasticine substance" they fill the canal with. He assured me he didn't damage anything. Yeah, right. But really, that was all. Didn't even feel the incision when he sliced open what remained of the abscess pocket, to give it a chance to "breathe", he said. Blood everywhere (darn those daily baby aspirin), but hey, that's what gauze is for.

Oh, and the latex dental dam helped, too. And now I know what they *really* are designed for, as opposed to the recreational uses they get put to in certain segments of the population. ;) Ever since I got my hepatitis vaccines in that one free clinic out East I've wondered about that. The literature on the tables was.. um.. quite descriptive. But it sure wasn't about dentistry.

The guy who performed the endodontics work could hardly pass for a grown up dentist, though. If 50 is the new 30, he must have been all of 15. But a real type A personality and sure knew what he was doing. Good thing, too, since those little instruments of his looked like hard brass acupuncture needles and he was just a-scrapin' away with them inside me somewhere. Yikes!

His assistant, though.. she had that orange-y blond hair that comes from some Wal-Mart version of Miss Clairol, and was probably 35, but looked at least my age. She had this hacking smoker's cough and looked like she'd closed a few taverns in her time. Like last Saturday. Quite a pair, these two.

As for me, more antibiotics, lots of Ibuprofen, and a couple of days of "chewing discomfort." I gotta hope that passes before Thanksgiving dinner. I do plan on some chewing then.

Best thing about the trip to the root canal chamber of horrors today was that it's about half a mile from Trader Joe's and they have their cheapo version of a Nouveau Beaujolais out now. Woo.. I'm getting started on that puppy right now! Before the anesthetic wears off.

Root canal... :(

... this afternoon. Yuk.

I shouldn't be nervous, but.. I am. :( When it comes to dentists I'm still stuck back in the dark ages of my boyhood when I had this ancient dentist who had Parkinson's; his hands shook when he came at me with that needle!! Aaaaaa!!

Gave me the creeps then, and now I lump all dentists in the same bucket. Wrongly, I know, but.. when I hit the chair, I'm 8 years old again and terrified. :(

Pass the nitrous, doc.. take the edge, off, okay?

Music Reviews: Maritime, Sara Groves, etc.

Before I launch into the reviews.. what a nice day. :) (as in the Jewish day, which runs from sunset to sunset) Went to a CD release gig last night at a local college.. first time at a release party for me. Center aisle, two rows off the stage. Really good show, nice music. Fun! :) Then 9 hours of sleep.. mmmm. And on the road for 3 hours to go see my old friend TJ get ordained as a pastor. Very cool. I sang duets in church with his wife, K, when she was just this little girl (and then again years later as a mom with little girls of her own.) Nice to spend the day with old friends. :)

Sara Groves is a newish favorite singer. I heard her songs being played this summer for pre-worship music at a church with a contemporary service, and found it so intriguing that I had to go ask the sound guy what he was playing. She has a voice that is much like many of the modern female singers who do Alternative music and are on the local stations. Uses mostly acoustic arrangements, which suits her. The concert was great - a good opening act, really good seats for D and me and she put on a very intimate show. Anyway, the new CD isn't my favorite of hers.. so I'll review another that I think is one of her best.

Sara Groves - "Add To The Beauty": She sings equally well about human relationships and spiritual things. Such an easy style, and a well-honed delivery. Goes back and forth across her break smoothly. The arrangements have the right balance of strings and percussion. You might say they are a little "over-produced", but.. still solid across the board - all songs are good. Two thumbs up! "When It Was Over" is an absolutely great track to listen to, but my favorite track (by far) is "Loving A Person"; in fact, at the end of this blog entry, I'll post the lyrics. Lovely. And so true. :)

Caribou - "Start Breaking My Heart": Formerly known as Manitoba, this electronic music group from Canada has a few bright spots on this CD, but you really have to love the genre of electronic music, be a connoisseur of it, to go for this one.. a few tracks made the studying playlist, but I can't recommend it overall. No thumbs up. :(

Maritime - "Glass Floor": This one's interesting. Cool cover art, but beyond that, the lead singer's voice - it's good, but it doesn't quite fit the range of the songs on the CD. His voice comes alive with a simple acoustic arrangement or with some strings, but gets buried when the band amps it up and rocks out. For that reason only, this review is mixed. But when a track is good, it's really good! :) Good tracks to download: I'm Not Afraid, A Night Like This, Sleep Around, Human Beings. If All My Days Go By, James, We've Got To Get Out are also not too bad, if just for the tambourine and the upbeat tempo & chord changes. ;) One thumb up.



"Loving A Person" by Sara Groves

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it



:) Yeah. I get this.

Up and down, up and down

Often on these pages I've written with humor, just as often with irritation, sometimes from a place of happiness, sometimes from a place of despondency.

A little while back I wrote about these ups and downs that toss me about, rolling me like a ship on rough seas, like what the statisticians call a "random walk" about a long-term trend (a'la the stock market.)

At the same time, I've reflected on King David and his up and down life, a broken but still hopeful man, who continues to seek after God, while conscious of his own weaknesses and destructive patterns.

I wonder if I can synthesize these two. I read recently on the internet a posting about "the humanness of Peter--how Peter, just like most of us, would go from high to low--from saying You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God to saying I do not know the man. From saying It is good we can see your glory to falling asleep while Jesus prayed. From walking out to Jesus on the water, to trying to stop Jesus from going to Jeruselem and being rebuked by Jesus saying 'get thee behind me Satan'. So if such a man can be used by God as a foundation stone of His church--God can use us all."

The same person wrote that "this idea of duality--good and bad, sin and praise, coming from the same person--maybe that is something that God likes to use. There is a fire in these people that you don't see in the more sedate among us. A passion for life. An ability to live in the now." So maybe passion comes with contradictions, ups and downs, bound to it. Guess I'm stuck with those, then. :)

In this same place this poster was reflecting on a story she heard recently about "the things that keep us from being used and from living life in the joyous now that God wants us to live--Regret, hate, anger, retribution, jealousy, greed. [The pastor] told a story I've heard before, but was happy to hear again as it is no less true. A Native American Grandfather was telling a story about the two wolves who live inside every person. One is full of hate, anger, jealousy, regrets, greed, pain. The other is full of Love, joy, peace, freedom. They constantly battle for the top place in our life. One of the young men listening asks--'Which one wins?' And the grandfather answers- 'Whichever one you feed'."

I have always identified with King David. Not so much with his position, but with his temperament and his gifts and flaws. He was contemplative and melancholy yet hotheaded and idealistic, easily moved yet coldly aloof, a passionate lover and a fearful enemy, a faithful friend and a smooth liar, a poet and a warrior, a thinker and a zealot, musical and bloody, compassionate and ruthless, tenderhearted and vengeful, spiritual and carnal. He was many things, this man.. but what he was *not*, was simple.

And I wonder if, in his later years, David fed the wrong wolf. It seems to me that as he grew up and came into his own, that his trajectory was clearly up. Still a random walk, full of ups and downs, but vacillating around a line steadily climbing toward a life lived well, marked by God's approval and blessing. It's the period when I think David became that "man after God's own heart" as the prophet Samuel called him when he knew God had chosen David as the next king.

Something changed in David's middle years, though. When he was no longer a man on the rise, the warrior tackling a challenge from God's enemies, instead he found himself managing an established kingdom, dealing with adult children, a large household, petty squabbles and affairs of state. Somewhere in there his zeal disappeared and he became less than he was. Then his natural melancholy (which also was what made him extraordinarily tender-hearted and poetic, but always needed to be balanced by his idealism and desire for a noble cause) took over, and the upward-sloping line flattened.

From that point on, after his dear friend Jonathan died, he was banished from the battlefield by his generals for being too old, failed to resolve the crisis with deadly infighting among his adult sons, began his affair with Bathsheba (from which sprang death in his house and Psalm 51), and brought judgment on the nation by taking a census (forbidden in Israel.) His ups and downs swung widely, with seemingly more downs than ups. He was busy writing psalms (beautiful psalms!) while his kingdom and family broke down around him.

I wonder how much of this would have happened if Jonathan had still been there for him, to call him to do the right thing when he was beginning to fail. Instead, the end of David's life was a pitiful picture. A prematurely old man, shivering under thick covers, only able to be warmed by a young girl sharing his bed.. with the real love of his life, Bathsheba, standing by his (and the girl's!) bedside with the prophet Nathan (who had brutally chastised him for his affair with Bathsheba - an odd combination to be sure), trying to rouse him to manhood one last time and do the right thing for the sake of his kingdom.

It worked, he rose one last time, saw to it that Solomon was made king instead of one of his other less worthy sons. But his final instructions to Solomon were like a mafia boss telling his boy who needed to be killed to avenge the family's honor. Bloody gruesome.

Yet, after all that, he pens an auto-biographical psalm to God that is as worshipful and full of thanksgiving as any he ever wrote. He credits God with all the good that happened to him, and takes on himself the blame for all that went wrong. At the end, then, he swung back up - and right on out.

May it be so with me.

stigmata

.


marks on wrist and hand
see there what has marked a life
love and suffering


.

Missing...

No, I'm not missing, I'm right here. Here, where I don't belong. What I'm missing is everything else. I'm lonesome, but not for these people whom I'm here to see. I'm lonesome for other people. Other familiar places.

Another night in a hotel. I mean, it's a nice place.. but..

I just don't want to be here. :(

This whole place gives me the creeps. The office, I mean. Ick, ick, ick - it feels like I'm in a foreign country, and not like I'm here on vacation, either - a tourist enjoying the sights. It's like I'm here but I don't belong here.

Oh, it's not as dysfunctional here as an episode of "The Office" (a TV show I can't bear to watch - I've lived it for too long.) It's more like "Office Space" the movie. "But, but.. I was told.." Now that was a funny show.

And you know, it's not like I don't know people - I can pass them in the hallway and know their names - sometimes. I recognize faces. I can joke with co-workers. I get along with them. Not always with my boss; and my junior co-worker is still an enigma to me. But mostly, I can handle them.

I just.. don't want to. Barely here for a day, and I'm fidgety, eager to leave. I don't have a rational explanation, I mean, there's nothing wrong. I simply can't supress the shudder that comes when I cross from the parking lot to the building in the morning.

And there's a heavyness that settles on me when I'm walking the halls or roaming the cubicle warren in search of a meeting room, or sitting in my temporary workstation plugging in my network cord to my laptop.

At the end of the day, I can feel it start to lift a little, even though I'm heading to an empty room. At least I have something to study - brought my TS501 textbook. Last night: Process theology and Open Theism. Tonight: feminist theology and liberation theology. Yeah, like this will make me feel better.. ;)

My right hand hurts this morning. The joints, the wrist. I think I need my ergo mouse back home. :(

Hmm... hands. I feel a poem coming on - I stare at my hands, my palms, my wrists.. hmmm.. maybe tomorrow. Something's brewing in my head.

Speaking of something brewing.. more coffee!

Airports

I hate them.

I'm keeping careful track on this trip to KC of the elapsed time from door to door, now that I'm flying instead of driving.

I already know that it's cheaper to drive. If I stay at least three days, the combined cost of airplane ticket, car rental (there) and airport parking (here) is already more expensive than the mileage they'd have to pay me if I drove my own vehicle the 450 miles each way.

And if I only shave an hour or two off the time it takes to drive.. just avoiding the aggravation of the airport will be worth it! No place have I found a better description of the reasons I prefer to drive than in this Opus cartoon (click to enlarge.) I feel like he does.. poor penguin. :( Wait, wait.. today it's poor ME!

Incense and Poetry... and ash

I've been burning a little incense lately. You know, in those little cones? Pumpkin spice. mmm.. Smells like Autumn. :)

So no, it's not for use in some Eastern ritual (or even a Western one.) I've always enjoyed fragrances of all sorts, from food cooking in the kitchen to perfume on a pretty neck (or.. elsewhere!), from fresh-cut hay to a lit match (but, um.. not both of those at the same time!)

In my search for joy in the small areas of life.. scent is a part of it. :)

Catholics are supposed to use incense in worship, or at least that's what I've heard. Some special services do, and some parishes do, I guess. But none for me yet. :( So I got some from a Catholic bookstore the other day. Mmmm... I wish they would use it more!

This stuff is resin incense and you burn it on a miniature piece of charcoal in a special burner (or in a cheap glass dish like me.) Smells great, but it leaves lots of ash to clean up. Much like sticks and cones do, but not as tidy. Even after all the smoke is gone and the scent has faded.. the ash is there to remind you that you burned it.

That put me in mind of a quote I have sitting on a stickie on my Mac desktop. A few years ago J1 sent me a quote about poetry that she thought I'd like (and I did). And I wrote her a poem in response:



"Poetry is the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash."

-- Leonard Cohen



The body goes to ashes
The outer shell to dust,
The inner life to poetry -
Life incendiary must!

-- Me :)



So whether up or down, good or bad, happy or sad.. all I can say is: "burn, baby, burn!" :) Think it all, feel it all.. go, go, go!

I think one of the reasons I write so much, and have done so many interesting things in life (and have done so many of them publicly - enough to get a reputation wherever I live as.. eccentric? quirky? different?), is that I'd like to leave a great big pile of ash to clean up when I'm gone.. just so people remember that I lived - right out loud!

And I don't mean just the ashes in that little urn they put you in, either. ;) I've enjoyed spreading some of my life-ash around while I'm alive, too - a little pile here in this place, a nice big one here with this person, quite a lot here with this group of people..

Because, over time, the scent of my life fades from theirs. But if I can leave some ash behind.. visuals, tangibles.. maybe they'll remember. And laugh.. or cry..

So keep it lit, old man! You've only got the one life, right? I mean, why hold back now?

empty

.


poetry has stalled
verses seem so far away
nothing left to write


.


Met with Dr. Shrink-wrap Friday. He's pleased with progress, thinks I'm doing well - given what little I've had to work with. :) He says that each day that I stick to my convictions is a day that I get more confident that I can make them work. I should take comfort in that - even if it doesn't feel that great to do the right thing. Even if it hurts.

We also talked about things that I enjoyed when life was happier, easier. Have they lost their intrinsic value all of a sudden? Could I pick them up again - not as a substitute, but as a small enhancement to the difficulty of life? They won't make up for... whatever... but they were good once, yes? Not that long ago? Won't they be at least some small good again?

I've enjoyed singing, design, cooking, poetry, music, winemaking, tennis (notice running didn't make the list - ick.) and writing, of course. So can't I enjoy them again? Even a little? Wouldn't it be worth a try? Not as a replacement for anything.. but.. as worthwhile in their own right?

And in the meantime, take a little credit for each day that I live what I believe. See it as a small victory, a building up of strength - like a muscle workout. It's a strain, and you ache from it, but.. you become stronger for the pain that you endure.

Maybe so, Doc. Maybe so.

So you may see poetry from time to time here. Not love poems, don't worry (unless very cleverly disguised indeed!) I don't want to subject anyone to mush. ;)

Other thoughts, though, probably mostly wrestling with light and dark, up and down, right and wrong, now and later. The tension between the two is what seems to trigger verse. And there's a fair bit of that tension to go around these days.



Let me end with this song from Sunday, loosely taken from Job. It's something I need to remember in the toughest stretches as well as the pleasant ones:



Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

And blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's "all as it should be"
Blessed be You name

And blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
I will bless Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll
Turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Drunken Sine Wave

Vacillation.

After being "Mr. Steady" for so many years, rarely varying emotionally, I now roll like a ship in heavy seas from side to side, seemingly listing so much some days that I fear I will capsize. But the rolling isn't measurable and periodic. It's random (or at least appears so to me; I'm sure if I studied it objectively - ha, as if I *could* - it would be driven by many knowable things.)

It feels like a sine wave - up and down, up and down - but with constantly varying amplitude and periodicity. And not only from day to day, but several times within a day. Yesterday was one of those. I felt compassion for D who was coming down sick, quick to relieve her of our planned responsibilities of having guests over, picking up with dinner, playing doctor, etc.

But then feeling such irritation at having my study and yardwork plans for the day disrupted by furniture movers arriving, fear at having to go to the dentist to get antibiotics for an abscess (probable root canal), and then being annoyed at falling behind in studying. :( What a lousy attitude. Ick.

Excited at new music discovered on iTunes, happy with a haiku that flew to mind fully formed while driving, humbled at Mass over the still-crushing burden of sin, rejoicing at the mercy of God renewed in my mind again in the Mass, despairing to wonder if the hardness of life will ever pass from me, hopeful at the priest discussing his own renewal of faith after several years in the priesthood.

The priest was a guest this week, here for a week of Parish Mission (whatever that is.) I went up and talked to him afterwards. He had mentioned in his homily that he had been a priest for 30 years. His current emphasis in ministry is working with addictions. Later he explained that he has now been sober himself for 21 years! Of course I did the math. It meant he was an addict (alcohol and drugs) for the first 9 years of his priesthood! My goodness..

I asked him if the found that struggling with his undesirable behavior also gave him a deeper insight into who God was. He said "definitely!", and that his addiction was what ultimately brought him to God. That the daily struggle between his fight against wrong behaviors and his desire to lead a life that pleased God was what made him the most aware of, and open to, God's mercy and grace.

Amen, brother. I'm right there with you. For different reasons, yes.. but I'm right there.

So is my life is like a drunken sine wave these days? Oh, I don't know. Maybe there's a better way of looking at it.

The pastor this morning said this: "we seriously overestimate what we can accomplish in a year; but we seriously underestimate what we can accomplish in 20 years." I get that. I can't change overnight. But over years? Sure.

If you graph the Dow Jones Industrial Average over the short run, I guess it looks pretty drunken, too. :) But looked at over decades.. it's easy to see that the long-term trend is up.

Maybe mine will be, too. Even if right now the ship keeps rolling and rolling and rolling..

Music Reviews: Belle & Sebastian, Aqualung, etc.

Here we are again for another segment. Fewer artists this time, but multiple albums for some.

Broken Social Scene - "Feel Good Lost": Simply put, Canadian electronic music. Although the band does do vocals, this is an album of instrumentals. Good thing because the iTunes samples of their vocals didn't appeal so much. ;) This CD is laid back and easy to listen to. Great background for studying! In fact they're playing right now as I struggle through Karl Barth on the Eternity and Glory of God in "The Perfections of the Divine Freedom." :) Every track made the study playlist. Um.. except for The Stomach Song. Way too much going on to study to. :( Thumbs up for this one.

Belle & Sebastian - "The Boy With The Arab Strap" (TBWTAS) & "Dear Catastrophe Waitress" (DCW): Well, what to say about this band? My, oh my. They sure are odd. :) Had I known they were from Glasgow, I would've stopped in to say hi when I was there! I'm sure they wouldn't have minded. Their music is so quirky and easy and poppy and accessible, I'm sure they are, too. ;)

They have the weirdest names for their songs, and such crazy lyrics. And sometimes they just sort of talk to the music, telling a story. Then other times they are catchy and very singable. All over the place musically! Kind of fun. But there's also a lot of songs I would never listen to more than once, they're just so strange.

So, favorite tracks? Not many from TBWTAS: only the title track, Ease Your Feet In The Sea, and The Rollercoaster Ride. From DCW, though, many more: Asleep On A Sunbeam, Wrapped Up in Books, Step Into My Office, Baby, I'm A Cuckoo, Roy Walker", If She Wants Me, If You Find Yourself Caught In Love (the last two are really nice songs; I even get what the lyrics mean!)

One thumb up on TBWTAS, two thumbs up on DCW. :) Based on this, I think I'll go out and download a few from their very first CD, "Tigermilk", with review to follow - if I remember.

Aqualung - "Strange & Beautiful" & "Memory Man": No, not the Aqualung of Jethro Tull fame (those of you over 45 may recall that album; it was my favorite for a while in High School. Made me ill when I first heard the title track piped into an elevator. ewww.), they just took the cool name. :)

iTunes compares the lead singer of this group, Matt Hales, to Rufus Wainwright, and to Thom Yorke (Radiohead), and I can see it. "Strange & Beautiful" could be described as "all love songs, all the time", described from every angle, but... darn it - they're good songs! :) Really good. So who cares if the focus is kind of narrow, if it's well done? Favorites: Another Little Hole, Breaking My Heart, Extra Ordinary Thing, If I Fall, Brighter Than Sunshine.

I liked this CD so much I picked up "Memory Man", which was released this year, off of iTunes. It's harder-hitting, less acoustic, but it still backs off enough to give Hales the chance to vocally emote, which he does so well. Favorite tracks: Something To Believe In, Pressure Suit, Glimmer, Vapour Trail, The Lake, Outside, Garden of Love.

Also, a few of tracks off the EP "Still Life - 1" are really good: Just For A Moment, 7 Keys, and Can't Get You Out Of My Mind. Hope this guy puts out a lot more. I'm hooked. :)

Planning Vacation

is a little different with this company. You can't roll days over to the next year. They really want you to use them up!

How refreshing. :)

Of course, in a short year, I don't get that many. So a long weekend here, a few days around Christmas, and.. done. But next year, goodness me! I think I'll pretty often be extending my business trips.

If I go to a conference or seminar (which I'll have to do a fair amount - there are Continuing Ed requirements I have to meet), and it's somewhere *other than* KC, I just may make it a couple of days longer and see the sights, you know?

Especially when my destination is the company HQ in Zurich! Woo! The alps.. finally. Northern Italy, Austria.. mmm. So what if it's winter? It's pretty then. :)

And then there's the actuarial convention in November '08 - Seattle. Haven't been there since middle school (or as it used to be called back in the day - Junior High.)

Plus a conference in Boston in March (maybe a side trip to NH?), another in Boca Raton in May (ick, too hot by then already!), and who knows what else. And when D heads to California in January to see her girlfriends (& J1).. hmmm.. where to go? South? As in deep?

Of course there's my school schedule to consider. The problem with night classes is that you can't miss more than two per quarter. And when a business trip falls on a Tuesday night.. there goes one. :( So, this is all nice to think about but.. I have to pay attention to these other commitments, too.

And then there's all the things going with the Rites (of Welcome, Sending, Election) and then Ash Wednesday and all the events during Holy Week this year which will commit me to stay put. So, vacation? Ha.. I'll have to grab it when I can.

Sacramentals

Well.

This wasn't so bad. :) I was expecting more controversy!

I was kind of looking forward to some in-depth discussion of the ads you see in the personals section of the newspaper, thanking St. Jude for favors received, or of the neighbors who bury a statue of St. Joseph upside-down in their garden.

But one of the first things the instructors said last night was: "in NO case does the Church endorse the 'medieval' superstitious behavior (their words!) that has grown up around religious symbols. Motions you make (like genuflecting, the sign of the cross) are not like waving a wand. Objects you use (like holy water, medals, rosaries, candles) are not talismans. Prayers that are said (the Our Father, the Hail Mary, various forms of blessings) are not incantations. This is NOT magic, and to live otherwise is just bad Catholicism."

"Being blessed by the Archbishop is no more effectual than being blessed by a Deacon in the local parish, or being prayed over by a devout Catholic friend. In fact, the last might be the most meaningful and encouraging of all. It's not (they actually said this!) like the Archbishop is cable internet, the deacon is DSL, and the friend is dial-up, when it comes to prayer. All are equal when they petition Him."

Hmpf. Sort of took the fun right out of it. ;)

Honestly, it really was a very grace-full evening in class last night, and it was clear that the desired emphasis for Sacramentals was on the person's attitude - an attitude of devotion and reverence - not on the rituals or the symbols themselves. They are devotional aids, nothing more; means of putting ourselves in a mindset to cooperate with the grace of God.

I told them about my practice of using the rosary in a modified way.. not using the large beads as prompts to contemplate the 4 categories of sacred mysteries (which I can't remember anyway), but rather using them to pray for certain people whom I love dearly and care deeply about. I said I hoped I wasn't being disrespectful with it, but that it just made the whole process of prayer much more meaningful to me, and after all wasn't that the whole point?

The instructor just said: "Ding, ding, ding, ding! You got the prize for the right answer! That's *exactly* it - there is no rubric, no proper formula. It's simply an aid for your communion with God. Go right ahead just as you're doing. I'm confident that God shares your love for those same people, and will come to their aid as you pray."

Yeah. That's exactly what I wanted to express, and what the whole business means to me. That God would see my love for these who are so dear to me.. and respond with His characteristic mercy and care.

I'm glad I still had a napkin handy from the snacks they served. For the next couple of minutes I needed it. :)

hypostasis & homoousios

It was definitely "terminology night" in TS501 last night. Yikes! Such language.. it hurts the head. It might actually be a relief to go to RCIA class tonight and learn about Sacramentals. ;)

Trinitas. (first coined by Tertullian, and the night's topic - the Trinity)

Substantia & personae. (the Latin for substance and person)

Ousia & hypostasis & prosopon. (the Greek for the same ideas.. but not *exactly* the same, which apparently caused a bit of trouble at the Ecumenical Council of Nicea, back in the day. Like, waaaaay back in the day.)

Homoousious or homoiousios? (of one substance, or of like substance? Also a sore spot. One substance won out, by the way.)

And then you have the infamous "filioque clause" (for 'and the Son'), added to the Nicene Creed by the West, helping precipitate the divide between Constantinople and Rome. (of course the sacking of Constantinople by the West didn't help matters, either..)

So when I questioned if anyone had argued that the concept of the Trinity was just a helpful construct that God provided us to help us understand His revelation of Himself to us, but that it didn't require Him to *be* a trinity ontologically, the prof said: "Well, I think that would be another way of understanding the thrust of modalism."

Then he had the nerve to ask me: "So... are you a modalist, then?"

I didn't know if I should be offended or not! :)

I replied: "I don't know yet. I guess you could say I'm still in process. Is that what you call a 'Process Theologian'?" That seemed to satisfy him, and got a laugh out of the class. Inside humor for theology geeks...

I'm beginning to understand why some people say they leave seminary with more questions than they had going in.

Oy! My aching head..

a broken hallelujah

King David says in Psalm 51:

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise."

Today is just one of those days..



I've been listening all morning to the song "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley. It gets me every time. Some of you may object to the way he mixes around the Biblical images and applies them to himself and some girl.. I did at first. But now I think he has the sense of it, the.. what's the word? The ethos. He has the ethos of David's brokenness right, if not the details.

So over and over and over today as I'm working on spreadsheet formulae, I hear the snatches of the verses and refrain:

"...her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya..."
"...and love is not a victory march - it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah..."
"...and every breath we drew was 'Hallelujah!'..."
"...it's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah..."

Maybe it's a desperate Hallelujah, really. Revealed weakness crying out for needed strength - from the only Source of it left to tap.

Finally I can't stand it anymore and have to change the song. But I can't seem to stay away from old familiar ones, often sad ones. Arghh! This is one problem with working from home. If I'm feeling blue.. there isn't much to stop it.



But enough of Jeff Buckley, and back to King David! David, at least, always, always, returns to hope. :) In the same psalm, he also says:

"Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
...

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
...

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."



Oh, that sounds good. :) Would You, please? I could use this today.

And all month long.

Music Reviews: Beastie Boys, Ben Harper, etc.

Here we go with another installment of the series. :)

This one won't be quite as long, so.. take heart!

Before I dive in, though, a quick review of the new operating system for Mac: OS X Leopard!

First impressions: cool box. ;) Easy install, although at least 2 hours long. Cool desktop graphics. Lame 3-D dock for the icons. Really good pictures for wallpaper and screen savers. :) Take-it-or-leave-it feature: icon stacks that fan out when you click the stack. Yeah, I guess so, but.. way over-hyped. Best feature of the lot, though... automatic incremental back-up (to an external drive - if you have one.) Verrrrry slick.

Okay, so here we go:

Beastie Boys - "The Mix-Up": Wow. I've always said that rap would be good music if you just got rid of the vocals. ;) This CD does just that. It's great! :) If you try to imagine rap vocals, you can hear how the instrumental would support rap or hip-hop. But forgetting the vocals altogether, and the guys can just flat play! Terrific music for studying to. All tracks made my playlist, no real standout favorites, all good. Thumbs up!

Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals - "Lifeline": I first discovered Ben Harper through his fine 1994 track "Forever" (from Welcome To The Cruel World).. just a great love song for a long-term relationship (or.. a desire for one.) Put that track together with "Walk Away" from the same CD, and you get both sides of a love relationship. :) Both are good downloads from iTunes if you want a sample of him first. These songs, plus a feature article in Relevant Magazine.. and I wanted to see what he was up to lately.

This is a nice laid-back soul/funk/pop/blues CD with understated vocals and a smooth band. Good for chilling to - kind of makes you think you're at a club having a drink with a few friends. It's that kind of music that once in a while reaches out from the background and gets your attention, but otherwise is kind of unobtrusive, but good quality. Favorites: In The Colors, Say You Will, Brown Eyed Blues, Younger Than Today, Put It On Me, Lifeline. Two thumbs up. :)

Bjork - miscellaneous tracks: No single CD here, just a sampling of this Icelandic electronic music. The lead singer has a voice like Kate Havnevik. Do they just grow them like this in Iceland? ;) She also is reminiscent of both Emiliana Torrini and the lead singer of Mahogany - ethereal, soaring, more of a background voice than a lead. Her English is accented enough to almost sound like a foreign language. I can study to these without having the words invade my consciousness. On their track "Human Behavior", I love the way she pronounces "human"; it comes out almost like tschuman. ;) Cute. I guess their greatest hits CD would be a good place to start. Thumbs up!

Eddie Vedder - "Into The Wild" soundtrack: Really good movie (two thumbs up!) for both cinematography and the story. You really get inside the lead character's head and watch him deal with his past and resolve it in the end.. although not the ending you might have wanted for him. But the music - really good also, and who knew that Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam) could do folk so well? The CD is too short to buy the whole thing, I think, but a few tracks are worthwhile to download: Hard Sun, Society, Long Nights, and Rise. One thumb for the CD, two for Eddie's effort on it!

More hopeful today

After a day of yard work, and a nice night out (dinner & movie), and a new church today, plus an upbeat email from J1.. it's an improvement for D from Friday's disappointment. Dinner tonight didn't hurt either.. an improvised sauce for the tilapia fillets (olive oil, lime juice, garlic, ginger, whisked together and pan-fried.. mmm, nice.) :)

J1 is doing really well in the new job in California, happy to be there, gets on well with her bosses. And, she'll be able to get away for Christmas and spend a few days here. Didn't know if she'd be able to, but she can. :) That, plus J2 spending 2 of his 4 weeks off at home over the holidays, and.. we'll have a family Christmas Eve again. Fun! And.. D had a great idea.. J1 (who is really good in the kitchen) and I will cook the Christmas dinner! Yeah! That should be a blast.

Church was good this morning.. a smaller group (150+), meeting in a school. Very friendly, feels quite familiar and comfortable. We'll go back next week and see if it carries forward.

Finished up my first paper today in TS501, finally unpacked all my books into the new bookshelves the company provided me, found a great chair on sale at Penney's that pulls out into a twin bed (for J2 when he's here), the Packers won again (7-1 now!)..

All that, plus a few other little personal positives I know of.. leave hopefulness in the air. :) It's a little early to say there's joy close by, but.. D says I have seemed happier this week. Hm. Maybe. :)

Ch..ch..ch..changes

They don't seem to stop in this house.

D is at the end of her rope when it comes to her job. :( Difficult discussion with her boss today, and a closed door on her preferred career path there. The stress of the role is not what she bargained for, and the negatives of the work environment have far outweighed the positives. Plus, the need for her to provide benefits is past, since I'm now working, and I'll pick them up during my open enrollment for 1/1/08. And, the draw of going back to school, to get at least an A.A. to allow her to work in a more desireable field (or level of position), is growing on her.

So, this weekend she works on her resignation letter and the timing of it. I'll skip Mass this week (and the Rite of Welcome for the RCIA candidates) to try to be some help and support. We also try a different church on Sunday, as that has not been what we hoped it would be for us, either. And maybe as of the first week in December.. she will be a free agent, and will take the holidays off, use the extra time to finish unpacking and to explore full-time local trade school options for January. Maybe accounting, maybe horticulture.. we'll see.

And, the end of the semester may bring changes for J2 as well.. it's entirely possible that he may boomerang back home, given how school is going for him - which is not very well. :( I may take him with me to see Dr. Shrink-wrap while I'm at it. Hm. And if that doesn't help, there's always the military.. ;)

As for me.. it would be nice if all changes on a personal level were behind me for a while. I've had plenty lately, thanks. And while I'll still be adjusting to them for a while, certainly.. if I have anything to say about it I'll sure opt for stability for a while, plus some internal personal growth and a less complicated life, if that's at all possible. Things may be changing for people all around me, but what I need is a calm center to it all. And one with that elusive joy inside it, besides.

God, could You put that on Your project list for me?

Music Reviews: Matisyahu, Radiohead, etc.

Today I begin a new feature for my loyal readers. Even if you didn't exactly ask for it.. perhaps there's someone out there who will like reading these. :)

Intermittently, as I accumulate enough to discuss, I'll take a look at some "current" music I've run across. By current I mean, oh.. within the last 10 years. Hey, for a guy my age, that's pretty current. ;)

In fact, the topic of favorite music came up at the RCIA classes last week, on our break. The leader for the evening, roughly 40, was saying that he's stuck in the music of his college years, doesn't really listen to anything else, and he's feeling kind of out of it. My advice to him: as you age, start listening to progressively younger and younger music. Keeps you from getting early onset of Alzheimer's. At least that's my theory. ;)

And speaking of my age, it turned over again recently. But the day before my 52nd birthday, I ran for a new personal best for distance. Decent pace, too - for me, that is. But the weather has turned sharply colder now - I may hang up my Reeboks for the season. It's time.

I think it's good to wrap up a certain season of your life on a high note, you know? Happily? At your best? I found that out recently, and I think it's a good way to remember things you've enjoyed. And whether you decide to get back to it someday.. or not.. you'll always remember it fondly. So even if it didn't always go perfectly in the middle.. choose to finish well. :)


So here's the lineup for this edition:

Matisyahu - "No Place To Be": Hasidic Jewish Reggae. Yeah. It's a little different. But I like it. Jerusalem and Message In A Bottle are my favorites. There are some remixes that I can do without, but.. as you read these reviews, you'll find that to be a pattern of mine. I usually like the originals. :) Anyway, two thumbs up for this artist and CD.

Matt Pond PA - "Several Arrows Later": I like this guy's voice. This is pretty much "mainstream" alternative music (if you can wrap your head around that oxymoron), although iTunes classifies it as rock. He made a big splash with his Champagne Supernova single, which made it to the soundtrack of the TV show "The O.C.", and yeah, it's a good track, though not on this CD. Pick up the single! :) Favorites on this CD: City Song, It Is Safe, the title track, So Much Trouble, Devil In The Water.. most all are good. Thumbs up for Matt Pond. :)

The Cardigans - "Super Extra Gravity": Edgy female lead singer, strong rock feel, but not too heavy. Pretty good stuff. One stray track out there on iTunes to check out for those of you who were listening to rock music in 1970.. they do a cover of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" that made me laugh out loud the first time I heard it. And as I kept listening to it, I actually began to like it better than the original. Makes it sound like a jazz tune. Weird, but good. Also, there's a track they do with Tom Jones (yes, the real "It's Not Unusual" Tom Jones) called "Burning Down The House", which is a treat, too. But, back to task; favorites on this CD: And Then You Kissed Me, Drip Drop Teardrop, Don't Blame Your Daughter, I Need Some Fine Wine (and You, You Need To Be Nicer), Overload. Thumbs up. :)

The Apples In Stereo - "The Discovery Of A World Inside The Moone": this band has a retro-60's sound that sort of sounds like a cross between the Partridge Family and the Mamas and the Papas (complete with tambourine), with some Beatles thrown in for spice. Fun to listen to, mostly, but with a couple of oddball tracks. Favorites on this CD: Go ("go, baby!"), I Can't Believe, Look Away, The Bird That You Can't See. Thumbs up. :)

Cat Power - "The Greatest": This to me is Alternative Country. Very much a country-folky feel, but with an alternative ethos. ;) The singer reminds me of Neko Case, but without nearly as much edge. Simple piano and guitar, with light drums and some strings. I'd put this in a category of decent background music, for reading or chilling. But you sort of have to like a lonesome sound. And sometimes I do. :) No real standout tracks, except maybe the title track. One thumb up.

Manual & Syntaks - "Golden Sun": Nice! Electronic music, and really good for a background for studying. Mostly melodic, vaguely jazzy, without a lot of extraneous electronic noise. No "favorites" as such - I really liked every track. Two thumbs up!

Beth Orton - "Comfort of Strangers": Hm. I kept listening to her, and listening to her, thinking that I *ought* to like her, but.. she never grew on me at all. :( I think it was her voice. It was a little too grating, and her lyrics didn't help matters. They are either harsh or sad, which kind of goes with her voice, I guess. Even her single "Conceived" was more disturbing than enjoyable. I know people like her, but I'm not really sure why, so.. no thumbs up. :( Although.. I will keep listening.

Colbie Caillat: "Coco": Now *this* girl has a pretty voice! :) The CD is pretty much straight pop, lots of romantic songs, you know the kind.. we need to break up, please let's not break up, isn't new love wonderful, I messed up and you're better off without me, I forgive you so don't leave, I'm depressed because we're not together, I'm scared of how great our future looks together.. all the same old themes. ;) But she sings so nice.. I can't help but want to listen over and over. Her current big single is "Bubbly". It's a little too catchy. I like others better, like Oxygen, The Little Things, One Fine Wire, Tied Down, Realize, Midnight Bottle. Two thumbs up! :)

Radiohead - "In Rainbows": This is the pay-what-you-want-to-pay downloadable album that stunned the music industry last month. I loved it! I'm not a huge Radiohead fan like some people, but this CD was terrific! Much less like OK Computer, and more like a throwback to songs like Nice Dream. Favorites: 15 Step, Videotape, Reckoner. Two thumbs Up! :) If I had a third thumb, it would be up, too.

So, hope you all liked this .. and if not, too bad! :) Someone out there will, though.. I'm sure of it.