Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Anarchists Knitting Mittens

The Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend J1 and I went on a tour of the downtown, including a gorgeous art deco building and the company HQ. While in the area, we stopped off at the First Annual Punk Rock Flea Market. It's kind of hard to describe the experience, but - you know of course that I'll try. ;)

It was in the basement of a neighborhood cultural center (made possible by the very government that the people at the anarchist literature table were pushing to tear down - I'm sure the irony was lost on the group.) and had about 15 tables selling both used and newly handmade stuff. I was the only person in the room over 30 and so got a few inquisitive looks, but also got involved in a couple of interesting and enthusiastic conversations.

I was fascinated as I riffed through the Punk and Hardcore music for sale (um... and what's the difference, again?), to find that so much was on vinyl. How long have these bands been around anyway? But then I realized... Hey! this is NEW vinyl! New! As in they just pressed the stuff this year. You must be kidding me...

So I asked a kid behind one table about it, expressed my amazement, and he said "Yeah, vinyl's cool. In fact, here... this one's an EP of my own band. I'm giving them out as promos - take one!" Promos, I said? That can't be cheap. Aren't CDs more economical? "Of course", he said, "but they're not as cool. And you guys were right, man, vinyl just sounds better! Plus, the cover art is waaaay better. It's like, you know, BIG! You can really see the detail in great graphics and stuff so much better that way. It's like, some of the old classic rock albums had really great artwork, too - you remember, right?"

Yeah, man, I remember - hey, I'm cool. I just... forgot for a while that I was. :)

Funny how things come around again. Like great vinyl LPs with cool cover art. I have some on my lounge wall right now. :) Classic stuff, dude. But it's not just happening in music. You look on furniture or clothing design websites and it's lots of 60's retro looks. That was a very hip time, innovative, edgy, cool. I think that's why I like my lounge so much - it's a modern take on old coolness.

And then there's philosophy. Some of the same concepts are coming around again there, too, just with a modern take. Anarchist literature for example... I read a fair amount of radical leftist power-to-the-people tear-down-the-government pamphlets in my late teens/early twenties. Feminists wanted sexual liberation and to destroy gender objectification, while the anarchists wanted liberation from the warmongers in Washington (as I recall, the Democrats began *that* war and Republicans were left to handle the withdrawal...) and to break down the military-industrial complex. Right on, brother!



Yet here, while the boys were selling used CDs (and new vinyl!), t-shirts, band posters, anarchist literature and vigorously discussing "the movement", the girls were selling vegan baked goods and home made crafts (cloth purses, decorative buttons, knitted mittens, Christmas (!) ornaments, notecards) and discussing so&so's new baby. Hmmm... so much for gender objectification.

It felt like I entered a time warp and I stepped into 1971. I'd been here before! Except back then the girls wore granny dresses and head scarves instead of layered t-shirts and goth makeup, and the boys were not dressed in studded black leather with half-gloves - it was work boots and loose-fitting poncho-style shirts with rawhide laces and fabric that felt like gunny sack material. And when it got damp it smelled like wet dog.

But everything else was the same. Kids passing out ideological literature (libertarianism, conservation, communism), discussion of "the movement" (be it back-to-the-earth, feminism, the Jesus movement - you could pick your movement), cool band posters and radical album cover art (remember the inside of Steppenwolf's "For Ladies Only"? Shocking!), and loads of home made crafts (macrame' hanging plant pot holders made from hemp) and nasty-tasting but healthy baked goods. Yikes! I've entered The Twilight Zone!

I shoulda saved all my copies of Mother Earth News. They would've gone over big. And! My Mr. Natural cartoons...
keep on truckin', mama - truck my blues awayyyyy. Far out!

Were we all that earnest in those days? Yeah, I think so. Everyone had a secret (or open) dream of going off the grid and doing a little organic farming with renewable energy, raising some chickens... and some friends actually did! Spent a weekend once at a Christian Commune... discovered I don't really like chickens. :) But, man, what *was* great was to be quietly zealous about an idea and think that you could actually maybe go off and live according to it! Hm. I miss that.

Time to do that again, maybe. I kind of liked these kids. I recognized them - and myself - from another time. I'd like to be zealous for a cause again. And the corporate profit motive isn't cutting it as a cause around which to unify and get people excited.

So, with some magnetic letters I got in Juxtapoz magazine (J1 pointed it out to me - now skater art is becoming collectable! who knew?), I posted this reminder to myself on my bookcase at the office.

For the last... oh... 6 years or so, I've felt like my flame is sputtering, here in corporate America. Not enough oxygen in this part of the world.

Maybe if I get to a place where I spend my time filling young minds with something other than a rigid ideology and teach them instead how to reason through, understand, and relate to people with, philosophies other than their own, I can see that flame burn bright again until one day it just goes POP! and then I wake up in a place filled with pure motives.

(sigh)

Wouldn't that be lovely? Almost like living the simple life on a little organic farmette somewhere off the grid - with no chickens.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

What a nice weekend!

What with both kids home, their grandparents here, plus uncle/aunt/cousins, it seemed like a normal Thanksgiving. Feels now like the house has been broken in, and is official! Family's been here. :)

There was a boatload of traditional food (of course) plus a few new recipes, all of which were yummy this year - sometimes they're not! The lounge was a favorite destination for the introverts in the family to sneak away and have a little privacy to read amidst the chaos upstairs. The bar was open, and used now and then - not a continuous stream by any means. But the tastings were fun! I mean, how often does a parent have the opportunity to do shots with your kids? Um, hey... that sounds a lot worse than it was...

And, as usual, shopping Friday in various combinations of people, the teenagers sleeping until noon (mostly), movies at the theatre and on the couch, grandpa doing projects in the house and yard, various people on the internet catching up on emails or tracking stocks or updating myspace accounts, the family band (cover your ears!), Carl and me writing a song and laying down guitar and vocal tracks on his portable 4-track recorder, and of course cards, cards, and more cards... the boy is good enough to keep himself in pocket money playing cribbage in college, but still can't beat the old man. Awww...

Everyone's gone now except the weeuns (as they say in Glasgow) and with them it's off to church this morning, a little Christmas decorating this afternoon and then off to the airport.

Next week... vacation's over. But it was nice while it lasted.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Medication

When I was back in the Midwest visiting my doctor (and daughter!) earlier this month, I knew something wasn't right. I hoped it would show up in the blood test result. And it did.

The Testosterone levels were at the low end of middle, but okay. The Thyroid levels were waaaaay off, though! The doc said that this could be the reason I was feeling more depressed and down, less able to handle stress. So she goosed the dosage, and already I can tell the difference. :) Better. Better.

What a difference this stuff makes. But you know, it also makes me wonder... can I even make decent decisions when my levels aren't right? Can I interpret circumstances properly? I'm starting to question my own judgement, and whether or not it's affected by the medication. Yikes!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Who Moved My Big Cheese?

This morning I'm supposed to be in a large meeting of field-based executives who are in for a semiannual confab. I'll be on the dais myself this afternoon around 4ish doing some technical training of the group. I always look forward to that type of experience. It's like being on stage, performing again. :)

But the first session today is a group of Big Cheeses doing a panel discussion for the assembled multitude, some of which are there because they long to simply touch the hem of an executive's garment and so have careers mystically healed. Yesterday the organizers were grousing about how there will be so many "crashers" (groupies, crowd followers, etc.) that they needed to expand the room, and still think it will be SRO. So, why not yield my seat to someone who gives a ... um, I mean, to someone who is truly eager to sit at the feet of the wise and learned. Well, I am too, I guess. The trick is to find some.

I recall not two months ago, when catching Rug and Mousewoman in an unguarded moment, that I heard her complain about the mess that still needs cleaning up from her predecessor's regime. Rug reported to her predecessor at the time of that conversation and gave her a fellow insider's knowing assent. That man (whom I'll refer to as Mr. Clean) is now the CXX or some such set of initials and is one of the big cheeses presenting this morning. I've met him, the CYY and the CZZ, too. I'm pretty sure that they wear pants and underwear like most of us do.

There are exceptions to that of course. I may have seen some of those exceptions in Scotland. ;) Dang it. I should have bought one of those things for myself. Woohoo, sure felt *that* breeze!

Passed the leadership trinity on the street on Tuesday, in fact. They were walking over to a photo shoot in a big hotel, and I was going to my desk from the parking garage. If I didn't know who they were, I would have thought they were the most ordinary of men. And they may be exactly that. Mr. Clean has that reputation anyway. People shake their heads and wonder how he got promoted.

Some people get promoted to be Big Cheeses because they are truly talented, with useful skills and abilities. Some get their shot because they are really good with people - natural leaders. Some can present a consistent, unruffled confident corporate image. And yet, others get promoted despite the fact that they possess none of the above, in a big time way. But they know somebody. Or are handy.

For a while I think that held true for me. I got shots at promotions and new assignments because I had mentors, not because I was good with people, had useful skills or exuded a corporate image. Instead, I'm withdrawn & aloof, have mediocre business skills at best, and exude quirkyness while being way too transparent about what I really think. Yet, I rose up the ladder... I think it was because a Big Cheese was helping me.

Since I left Wazoo Corp. (after the corporate takeover) that has NOT been the case, and the Peter Principle has come into play. The Peter Principle, for the uninitiated, is that we are always promoted to our level of incompetence. However, if you have a highly placed mentor, the Peter Principle is automatically suspended for you in that organization. And, if you rise high enough, even if you are incompetent the organization must not admit it, because it reflects poorly on their ability to identify talent. They have to promote you again to some place where you can't hurt them.

I recall some 15 years ago, and continuing for the next 7 or 8 years until about the year 2000, watching the Big Cheeses at Wazoo Corp. I tried to understand what made them successful, but I focused on their public behaviors, not their private connections or innate abilities. I would watch them work a room, speak to a group of middle managers, greet workers at lunch, etc. I thought - I'll be doing that some day; I'd better figure out how.

Not anymore. There's some combination of jadedness, cynicism, loss of ambition, recognition of my limitations, a sense that time is fleeting, a desire for greater meaning, etc., that has said to me: "stop stop stop!" I am *not* going to be a Big Cheese. I don't aspire to it, and I'm not going to even *try* to be one. In the sport of corporate ladder climbing, some need to be down on the field of play, some need to be spectators watching and cheering for their favorites, and some - like me - need to be in the broadcast booth doing color commentary. :) I've officially retired from professional ladder climbing. I'm the former athlete (not to be referred to as washed-up or has-been, however) turned analyst.

And really, I had my day in the sun as far as that goes. My last job at Wazoo was not a Big Cheese, but a good-sized one, a Nearly Big Cheese, I'd say. But even then, I wasn't corporate. I was quirky, entertaining, self-deprecating, transparent to the point of once in a while needing to be reprimanded by a Big Cheese for being too honest. You can tolerate that in a department head, even in a senior executive, the VP of Such and So. But not in anyone higher up than that. So... it won't be me as a Big Cheese. Too much of an outlier, too much of an oddball.

Now, I suppose if they dropped it on me, I'd take it. But, I would probably wind up being an embarrassment to someone if I were going to be true to myself. I think it would be better if I were named CSS (Chief Of Something Smaller.) Like a classroom maybe. :) Then I could be quirky, transparent, entertaining, emotional, and... be liked for it. The young minds full of mush would leave my class and say: "he is kind of a funny old guy, isn't he? Eccentric, you know; odd - but sweet. I like him. And I actually sort of understand what he's trying to say. He's definitely my most interesting class this semester."

I'd take that.

Friday, November 10, 2006

The envelope, please...

The check is in the mail! Today!

Okay, so it's Veterans' Day or something and it isn't going anywhere until tomorrow, but still - it's in the mail, doggone it!

My application to Grad School is en route, with money. Evening classes start January 4. I&II Samuel (OT225) on site and Emergence of the Church (NT112) on line. I'm going! I'm finally going.

God help me. I wanna do this well. I hope I'm not just fooling myself... I mean, me - seminary! Can that work?

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Squeezing again

Met with Pebo & Rug yesterday for a 30 day followup on our "get your butt back in the office!" meeting of a month ago. Pebo continues to squeeze. Everytime I'm in a meeting with him, I start to itch. Even a group lunch where nobody discussed work - I was edgy and wanted to get away. What is it with me, with him? Arghh.

While I'm checking items off the to-do list, it still feels like the evaluation criteria of what success looks like for my department keeps changing based on whatever my business partners discuss with Pebo in the hallway this week. Perceptions are so slippery... I have a hard time knowing where to grab this fish to keep it from flopping out of my hands.

And, while I'm grabbing at the fish, Pebo is pouring more water on it, keeping it slippery, and watching me struggle while offering pithy commentary ("coaching"). Grrrrrr....

Monday, November 06, 2006

A dream deferred?

I've been mulling over a couple of verses lately:

Micah 6:8 He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.



Some of you know that I've wanted for some, oh, 18 months or more now, to prepare for a change in careers as I get closer to retirement.

I know, I know, that's quite a ways off. 14+ years.

But a year and a half ago, before learning that my division was closing and my job was going away, it had seemed much closer. I had thought "5 more years until I can opt for early retirement and lock in retiree health benefits for later use when my income is low." And I thought "this will let me go back to school, get my Masters and then teach, without worrying about health coverage or a decent pension."

It seemed like such a good plan. I had struggled for so many years with supporting the profit expectations of my employers, when I really wanted to influence the generation coming up behind me to (as Micah the prophet says) "do justice, love kindness, walk humbly with their God", integrate their faith with the rest of their life, and behave ethically and compassionately in the marketplace. This was going to be my opportunity! So I enrolled in night school, excited about the dream.

But with the forced change in employment to a new company and a move to a new part of the country, away from support and away from school, that dream seemed dead. Now I will have to work until 65 at least, at a job that's demanding enough to preclude a course of study, or so it seems.

Yet, two Sundays ago, the pastor preached on the dreams in your heart, where they come from, whose they are, and how likely it is that they will come to pass. At the same time, I found an extension campus about an hour away from me which is affiliated with a great seminary in St. Paul. They offer classes Thursday nights in the exact major I was wanting to earn - an M.A. in Theological Studies.

All of a sudden, the dream maybe isn't dead anymore. Maybe... maybe...

I have a magnet on my cabinet at work, a quote from Mary Lou Retton. It says: "Each of us has a fire in our hearts for something... find it and keep it lit!"

Oh, I know what the fire is for - but can I keep it lit? For 18 months it's been out completely and I have felt its loss. I've been heartsick because of the hope that was deferred. Do I dare light the fire again?
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